There is so much conflicting information about how long no contact should be if you want your ex back. Some say you should break no contact after 30 days and others suggest you wait until you’re ready.
If you’re a reader of this blog, then you may already know that the only way to go is the indefinite no contact way. Any other predetermined or premature way is inauthentic as it doesn’t follow any basic understanding of human emotions and behavior.
If you’re wondering how long does it take for an ex to reach out in no contact, please be aware that every breakup is a case-to-case situation.
Every dumper processes the breakup at his or her own pace by going through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper.
The truth is that most dumpers don’t reach out to their dumpees right after the breakup.
Dumpers feel too relieved when they end their romantic relationship with their long-term partner. For them to want to reach out to their ex, some sort of internal change has to occur.
The change is likely to happen when the dumper has an adjustment of feelings. And this can only occur through some emotional occurrence/disturbance with time away from the dumpee.
How long does no contact take to work?
No contact starts having an effect on your ex the very moment you enter no contact. As you may already know, no contact has its own positive effects that can take a long time to work.
When you’re in no contact with your ex and are going through the 3 stages of no contact for the dumpee, you are likely doubting no contact.
If you are, I’d like to reassure you that indefinite no contact is the best and only way. It’s a universal medicine both for yourself and your ex.
No contact’s best friend is time
No contact takes some time to work as each and every day is a hard internal battle of emotions. For no contact to work well on your ex, you must avoid as many post-breakup mistakes as you possibly can.
Begging, gifting, calling, crying are just a few mistakes that will push your ex over the edge.
If you’ve made one or two mistakes and you eventually came across no contact, it’s okay. Almost everyone makes a few mistakes here and there.
We can render post-breakup mistakes a big problem if dumpees completely embarrass themselves and continue pushing their ex away. When insecure dumpees anger or annoy their ex too much, it can be the nail in the coffin for them.
Moreover, no contact is the most successful when you do it right from the beginning—the first time. Staying completely silent and away from your ex maximizes your chances in the long run.
The longer you are in this peaceful zone, the more your actions speak for themselves.
If you stay in no contact long with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, you will show:
- confidence
- high self-esteem
- the ability to overcome rejection
- self-respect
- self-priority
All of the above traits are highly attractive. Trust me when I say this. Every person in this world would kill to be with someone who has these characteristics.
Confident people are scarce and exhibit the ability to deal with any difficulty life may throw at them. A person who can work around any issue is a person that can provide long-term safety and security.
Here are 4 friendly reminders when you are starting to doubt your amazing skills and traits in no contact.
No contact is not some silly game you play with your ex.
How long you stay in no contact with your ex is strongly dependent on what your ex is thinking and most importantly—feeling.
Please keep in mind that the length of no contact can’t be predetermined or measured no matter how much information one has on the dumper.
This statement is true whether you have recently been in contact with your ex and even if you know your ex’s everyday life in and out.
Predicting an outreach
There are a few possible presumptions we can make about the dumper’s outreach.
We can sometimes predict that the dumper will reach out when something big has happened in his or her life. This can be:
- failed rebound
- deterioration in health, injury or disease
- death in the family
- abuse or neglect
- unemployment
- conflicts in interpersonal relationships
You may have noticed that every point on this list is of a negative nature. These are the biggest premonitions that an ex will soon reach out in no contact.
Of course, it doesn’t mean that an ex will reach out. Nor does it mean that he or she will want to get back together. It does, however, raise your ex’s chances of contacting you.
The reason why you should go no contact with your ex is so that he or she can experience life without you.
And if your ex one day becomes unhappy with the breakup or himself or herself, your ex will contact you and ask for forgiveness.
Regret usually doesn’t happen until something horrible has occurred.
Just how you likely feel more inclined to contact your ex when you’re feeling down, the exact same policy applies to your ex. He or she is human just like you and everybody else.
For some reason, dumpees seem to forget that their ex is red on the inside just like them. It’s such a vital piece of information that is often forgotten and neglected.
Stopping no contact before your ex is ready
By reaching out too early when your ex isn’t ready, you can end up pushing your ex further away.
He or she doesn’t want to speak to you right now so if you decide to make a desperate attempt to solicit attention, you will only end up making things worse.
You can’t and shouldn’t demand attention from anybody that isn’t willingly giving it to you. Since your ex isn’t conversing with you, he or she isn’t in a receptive state of mind yet.
You can’t force your ex to process the breakup faster than he or she can. That would be preposterous.
On the other hand, the more self-inspecting or soul-searching your ex does, the sooner he or she will be ready to talk again. And what forces an ex to self-examine is usually something negative.
It has to be your ex’s idea to speak to you. When you receive a text or a call from your ex, you can be certain your ex is ready to talk. Suddenly, you regain some of the power your ex stole from you on the day of the breakup.
Reacquiring lost power doesn’t happen when you prematurely reach out to your ex and he or she doesn’t wish to speak to you. If your ex is not interested in speaking with you, your desperate attempt for attention does quite the opposite.
It coughs up the power you’ve built up over the weeks in no contact and hands it over to a dismissive, power-hungry ex.
Here’s an example of how long no contact can take to work. Please note that every case is different.
Now, what exactly happens when you talk to someone that is not interested in speaking to you, I can’t say for sure. I can, however, tell you that you won’t like what chasing attention from your ex feels like.
Here are the most possible replies your ex could use to respond with if you reach out prematurely.
- pretentiously: Hey. It’s great to hear from you!
- disinterestedly: Oh, hi.
- angrily: I told you not to message me!
- coldly: I’m good.
- ignored: The no reply response.
How long should no contact last if your ex seems cold and bitter?
If you messaged your ex and received any of the previously-mentioned responses, it’s time to retrace back to the basics.
Any person that doesn’t want to talk to you should be as good as gone to you. Leave bitter, cold and disinterested people behind and focus on yourself. You will be surprised how fast they come flying back to you when you leave them alone.
In your darkest moments, remind yourself why no contact is necessary for you as well as your ex. Here are the psychological effects no contact can have on your ex.
Many dumpees ask themselves how long should no contact be after the breakup. They often think their ex is on a 30, 45, 60-day countdown timer before they are ready to talk on equal terms.
In unilateral breakups, there is no such thing as equal terms as both parties are disagreeing with each other’s decisions and intentions.
How long no contact should last is strictly determined by the dumper himself. The power, control and dominance your ex has over you needs to be returned back to you.
Only once the dumper has acknowledged you as an equal (reached out and showed respect), it’s safe to assume you can participate in a conversation.
1 day at a time
To reiterate, you should not contact your ex for as long as it takes. Instead of ruining your image in your ex’s eyes and lowering your self-esteem, find a way to ease your anxiety and increase your confidence.
Contacting your ex long before he or she is ready is going to achieve exactly the opposite of what you’re trying to accomplish. It will make you less confident, more dependent, needy, insecure and weak.
Dumpees sometimes do crazy things in no contact. Emotions are so out of control, they completely forget how long no contact takes to work for them as well as their ex.
What they should be aware of is that every day in no contact is:
- Better for the dumpee
- Worse for the dumper
It only makes sense that the longer you do no contact with your ex, the worse he or she will be and the better you will feel.
On the day of the breakup, your ex was probably relieved—the happiest. It’s safe to say that every passing day lowers your ex’s happiness levels until it stops altogether.
In the self-help book—How to Completely Change Your Life in 30 Seconds, Earl Nightingale, a famous American author says; “Like so many old fables, it’s a commentary on human nature, and it comes uncomfortably close to the truth. We say, “If only I had such and such, I’d be completely happy for the rest of my life.” It isn’t true. As soon as we have such and such for a while—a surprisingly short while—we then want something else. Discontent comes with the territory; it comes with being human.”
Does my ex want me to reach out?
No contact should last for as long as your ex isn’t ready to speak. You may be seeing signs your ex still loves you or signs that no contact is working, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to reach out.
You may notice your ex’s rebound falling apart or you might see your ex posting sad breakup quotes on Facebook wall. No matter what your ex does, there’s only one way to ensure your safety. And that, my friend, is with indefinite no contact.
If you are struggling and wondering how long should no contact last with your ex if you want him back, repeat the following encouraging lines as many times as you can:
- no contact lasts as long as it has to
- my health is way more important to me than my ex’s
- reaching out prematurely will push my ex away
- contacting my ex because of anxiety is the wrong move
- my ex doesn’t feel the way I do and that’s okay
As you know, you would be giving up everything you can possibly give in no contact.
The shocking truth is that you’ve given everything you could possibly give before and it wasn’t enough. It wouldn’t be enough this time either so let’s not initiate contact first.
How long does no contact take for an ex to reach out?
Think of no contact as your field of crops and your ex’s outreach as your reward. The more you water your crops and the more you take care of your land, the better your long-term results will be.
I know it may sound biblical, but it’s the truth.
The no contact rule will either work:
- Only for you
- For you and your ex
The same reward system as above applies to your ex. The more confidence you exhibit, the more curious your ex will become. He or she will wonder about things, such as:
- has my ex moved on?
- is my ex with someone else?
- should I contact my ex and say hi?
- what will my ex’s response be?
- does my ex think about me or miss me?
- will my ex take my text the wrong way?
These are just a few of hundreds of possible questions your ex may be asking himself or herself in no contact.
Let’s next look at some statistics on how long no contact can take if you’re following it diligently.
The highest chance for your ex to reach out is in the first 6 months of no contact. Most dumpers process their relief and elation in the first half of a year and begin moving toward the stage of neutrality.
Additionally to space and distance, how long it takes for no contact to start working is dependent on the dumper’s internal factors:
- the victim mentality
- the ability to forgive and forget and deal with negative emotions
- the capacity to take partial responsibility
- self-esteem
- events and people
- self-improvement
How long should the no contact rule be if you want to be friends?
Whether it’s been weeks, months or years since the breakup, you can’t ever reach out to your ex. If your ex isn’t contacting you means he or she is busy with other activities and people.
This can be painful to hear, but it’s the truth. People give attention to things they value and the people they desire.
So if your ex isn’t expressing the desire to be friends, you shouldn’t be either.
As a dumpee, you are at a great disadvantage. You were rejected as a romantic partner and you must, therefore, build yourself up.
Once you’ve done that and you feel alive in your skin again, I personally don’t see a reason why you would initiate contact with your ex.
Anybody that wonders “How long should no contact be if I want my friend back,” can argue with me all they want. But the fact that you are wanting to be friends with your ex clearly means you have feelings for him or her.
Feelings for your ex stem from low self-esteem. It’s the desire to be desired.
Just how dumpers seek attention when they finally break no contact, so do dumpees that want to be friends. This is especially true if you want to be friends way before you are actually over your ex.
I am personally friends with some of my exes and we get along. In order for us to become friends, we first needed to detach ourselves and stop seeking emotional satisfaction from one another.
Only once we no longer possessed feelings for each other were we able to converse in a friendly way.
So if you are thinking about offering friendship to your ex, please think twice. If you were friends with your ex prior to your romantic relationship, chances are you didn’t ask to be friends with him or her.
You have to let your things flow naturally from the beginning again. This implies you should build up trust and respect and show your ex that you don’t have any ulterior motives.
You can only prove your intentions are pure by waiting for your ex to make a move first—no matter how long no contact takes.
No contact misconceptions
There are many misconceptions regarding how long no contact should be if you want your ex back. Here are the most common excuses dumpees make to reason with themselves.
1)The no contact rule should last only as long as I need it to
As you know, the no contact rule is about you and your ex. Just because you’ve fully healed and moved on doesn’t mean your ex has as well.
You may think you have “nothing to lose” when you reach out prematurely, but you really have every reason to stay in no contact. You have been abandoned after all.
2)My no contact rule shouldn’t last long because my ex is weak and vulnerable
Whether your ex has just come out of a rebound or is going through a difficult ordeal, no contact is still no contact. Until your ex breaks no contact with you, he or she isn’t vulnerable enough.
3)I must break no contact because my ex is getting angry and is spreading rumors about me
It’s not in your control to soothe the emotions of an angry ex. His or her fury will eventually run out of steam. It’s just a matter of time.
4)My situation is hopeless because no contact doesn’t last long
Those who are forced to engage in conversation with their ex for any reason at all aren’t as unfortunate as they think. In breakup terms, this would be situational contact—which implies it’s partial and not the worst of its kind.
No contact doesn’t necessarily have to be all about falling off the face of Earth. It’s about preserving your value and respecting your ex’s decision. So if you have no choice but to converse with your ex,
I’m sure your ex won’t take it the wrong way. Pushing him or her away occurs mainly when you are deliberately seeking what your ex wants to give the least—attention.
5)I must do something, anything or my ex will move on
The shocking truth is that most dumpers move on before the actual breakup. If your dumper shed a tear or two on the day of the breakup, it was likely out of disappointment and the deed itself—the breakup.
Nobody likes seeing their long-term relationship come to an end. And if your ex made breaking up sound too good to be true, it was probably just a typical breakup excuse.
So if you’re thinking about trying to prevent your ex from moving on without you by force, please remember that the breakup was your ex’s decision—the decision you must respect.
Going against his or her will is going to leave a bad taste in your ex’s mouth and lower your value.
Do you agree with how long no contact should be if you want your ex back? I’d like to hear your opinion in the comments section.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Firstly I want to say I’ve read Zan’s articles many times and thank him for his words and effort in putting all of this content together. When you have a broken heart, just about anything in the world that soothes it is good, but Zan really hits it home on that front.
Ever wonder why no one past the 2-3 months of NC that’s able to move on has comes on here and commented anymore? Even when they had a story you could relate to and want to know what happened after? They never come back. I’ll tell you why, because they got what they needed out of the site by the time they would have had a “conclusion” to write about, so they don’t show up again. That wont be me, btw. Most of those people gave up hope and moved on and if they fell in love again, well heck why visit a breakup site while having a great life? And not a single soul that I’ve found in the comments speak of being reunited after 3-6-12 months of NC. The reason is “it doesn’t happen” my friends, and if it does its YEARS into the future when you are both completely moved on.
Now my take: This article and most of the rest on this site are misnamed, on purpose I assume, to have the tone and demeanor of giving you (the dumped) hope. This is a false hope, the reality is Zan knows very well that what you need is distance, to get over your ex, and if he needs to trick you into getting that space/distance he will do it, and bless him, he means well. But the honest title of this article should be “How to get over your ex and give up hope” the reason I say that isn’t from a cynical place, there are certainly people who do get back together. But past the very early parts (I’ll say 1-2 months since break up) there is diminishing reasons to ever reengage with the people that brought about so much pain in your life and as you move on and new people enter your life, there is even less chance you go back to someone you have baggage with!
For the first 2-3 months of No Contact (NC), you really may need some hope to prevent you from thrashing about, making yourself look like a fool and probably hurting yourself and others.
ACCEPTANCE! Is the goal not getting back together, that’s where you need to get to, and NC is the only way to get there. So if Zan has to sell you some hope to get you there, bless him. This is especially important in the first phases of the breakup and separation. But as you progress hope is super problematic, because once you start to become addicted to it and evolve a bit the hope is like a drug to a junkie. That hope that gave you a reason to be a functioning human and try to self-improve is now holding you in an eternal state of waiting and wondering and actually you cant evolve past your half broken state.
Ironically if there is ever a hope for you to get back to your ex, is that its an entirely new relationship between two new people, who are excited to have met each other from scratch! So you need to get so far from the broken relationship that the new chance meeting in the future is so new and exciting and baggage free, that there is possibility in it. Remember the first time you met your ex? Wasn’t it exciting? Wasn’t it magical? Well, that magic is essential for there to be a chance, so the preconditions, which was “nothingness” or lack of any feelings at all for each other need to exist first. So ironic as it sounds, you need to let go to ever have a chance to have them again, and I mean truly let go, like they don’t exist kind of let go, like they’re dead kind of let go. You need to be secure again, you need to be whole again, this is the only way you could even be open to a beautiful love story again. In order to get to this place, regardless of who this beautiful new love is with (an old partner or a new one) you must let go of hope of return to your ex, that relationship is dead and you leave the dead to the dead. It is now time to learn to be with yourself again. The advice that you don’t want to hear, is almost always the one you need the most.
Now here is my story, in case it helps you.
I had a beautiful relationship with someone I thought was my soulmate, she was not an ideal person and had many flaws, but to me she was a magical mix of crazy that was just right for me. That being said she had some trust issues early on when I was loyal which then snowballed to me on a few occasions having cheated on her because of my own inability to deal with not being seen and turned away from while within the relationship (Im not blaming her, it was just a bad mix of two things we both needed to improve). I hadn’t properly learned to be loyal, and my escape for feeling not wanted was to step out and get attention from someone else. I recognized it was wrong, and I felt terrible every time it happened, and I had vowed never to do it again, cleaned up my act (without her knowing anything at that point). The few events that happened were with people that meant nothing to me, it wasn’t forbidden love, or lust, it was pure and simple attachment issues and not knowing how to deal with rejection within the relationship. Anyway fast forward and after our 2 year anniversary we both wanted to get married and thought we were really going to make this work. But alas the past caught up with me, and through a series of dramatic events I wont bore you with she found out I wasn’t honest and I admitted that I had cheated too. She was hurt, rightfully so, and left me, moving out and all, it was all very painful. Probably the hardest time of my life, as it coincided with a major career implosion because of her act of taking revenge on me and a health decline (cancer diagnosis) for me. So it was a trifecta of a failed relationship, career and health all at once. I was inches away from ending it all once too.
My life had taken a turn for the truly negative and I saw it as my own bad Karma catching up with me, and so some hope that she would forgive me and come back was the smallest candle of light that gave me hope of redemption in a sea of darkness. She wasn’t short on signals that she might one day forgive me too either, heightening the reason for my holding on to hope. After having broken up she said things like we gotta go work on ourselves and that maybe there is a future for us sometime later …. I must have read this article about 10-20 times and looked at the made-up graphs 100s of times, I have them saved on my phone so I could go back to it and give myself hope again.
The hope wasn’t without merit, immediately after the break up I started on a truly militaristic path of self-improvement, I vowed never to ever hurt a person by being disloyal again, I quit every foreign substance, cigarettes, weed, alcohol, caffeine, and I became fully abstinent (including self-love and pornography), I kept a lie journal and was vigilant about never lying so that even the smallest lie would not be uttered and I made it a habit not to lie to anyone about anything. I went on a 10 day silent retreat to learn Vipassana meditation and meditate daily for 2 hours, I spent thousands on therapy to understand why I would make such a shitty move on a person I really admired and loved and continue to see someone weekly. I worked out like a dog! And have gotten into the best shape of my life and wont stop! My diet is almost fully vegetarian, and I go to bed early and wake up at 4:30. Anyone who has seen me says, wow man you’ve changed! Hope brought me the beginning of this journey, and for that Im thankful. But the latter part of this journey is going to have to be sans hope. Its like you needed a raft to get across the river, to climb the mountain, and the raft was hope. But after you’re across you need to ditch the raft, to continue to climb, and now its just extra weight.
Its been 4 months since the breakup, and 2 months since NC began, and where I am today is miles from where I was when this started emotionally/physically and mentally. Im not over her of course, everyday I still wake up with her thought, and I miss her all the time, wondering when she will give me a text or a call or somehow imaging a second chance, cause one time during our last chats she said, give us 6 months. So I count down the days like a prisoner would by marking the walls, like the 6 months thing was some kind of date guaranteed, or that she could ever truly predict how she would feel in the future when she said that. This hope isnt going to allow the next stage of growth to happen. Hope is now the toxin that remains in my body. Because it doesn’t let me focus on the thing that matters most, turning around my career. My job requires absolute focus, ingenuity and leadership and I cant be in lala land counting the days till she returns, or else I will fail in this really important avenue in life. No woman wants to be with a guy who doesn’t have his career worked out (Im in my late 30s). So this is where the hope needs to stop.
What I have realized in this journey is that if I want to be any good to anyone I need to first be good to myself. I need to be independent first, of her, and of thoughts of longing for her. I need to not need anyone at all! This is the key to true love, absolute and total self-security before entering into anything with anyone. This will mean letting go of hope, and I believe this is the ultimate promise of NC when its kept for long enough, so it’s up to you how long it takes for you to get the benefits of NC, it can really take long, or it can be fast, if you’re willing to swallow the bitter pill sooner, you will suffer less.
It remains to be seen of course regarding trying again with the same person, and I wont pass judgement on that until a few years have passed or I’ve fallen in love again. In which case, unlike some others here (and if the site is still up) I will come and give everyone an update. But trust me when I say this, even if it was all your fault, and even if you did everything in the whole world to fix it, hope is what needs to go. Become happy and secure in you and you alone, that’s salvation, no one else, and nothing else can bring about joy in your life, and ultimately that’s what you see when you want that relationship back.
Hi Nick.
Many dumpees indeed get over their ex and don’t want their ex back. Once they’ve recovered, they stop reading breakup posts and focus on their new life. That makes me happy because it tells me they’ve crawled out of depression and found happiness again.
And yes, you’re right. Some of the articles show you how to get your ex back (give a bit of hope to ease the pain). My intention is to give just enough hope to cope with the breakup but not so much that dumpees reach out and make things more complicated. You’re very wise to figure that out.
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you’ve learned that relationships require loyalty and that if you’re not happy and can’t make things work with communication and perseverance, you should leave your partner, not cheat on her. Cheating makes people anxious and gives them trust issues. In your case, it made her feel worthless and created more trust issues she didn’t want to work through.
I know the abandonment has hurt you and that you’re sorry for what you did, but it’s a little bit too late to show her you care. Now that the relationship is over, you must give her time and keep working on yourself. You’ve done a great job so far. You’ve improved more in a few months than in decades of your life. This is due to pain and regret.
Although hope has helped you cope with the breakup, it’s recently become your poison. It’s been preventing you from being emotionally independent. Rest assured that you’ll let go of hope when you’re ready to let go of it. It may not be in a month or even two, but eventually, you’ll heal and stop checking your phone for missed texts and calls. All dumpees do.
Give it a bit more time and be proud of yourself for turning your life around. I know I am.
Best wishes,
Zan
Thank you for your reply Zan,
I really appreciate everything you’ve done and the intent behind all of your work. You will get many times the return in good karma for building out the content you did to help those in a tough place in their lives, I know it.
I know its too late to ask for someone to see that I made a mistake and for any kind of second chance, regardless of how much Ive worked on myself and changed. People are not forgiving and compassionate, they deal with life mostly by filtering, because the expectation is that other people don’t change, and that its best to filter out the people who have flaws one can’t deal with.
Despite all the logical reasons telling me to ditch hope, and everything pointing to never having another shot with her, my mind still holds on to hope, almost 5 months after the breakup. Its amazing actually, I never thought I would be capable of this level of attachment to someone before this relationship.
Thank you for your words of encouragement on my journey back from the ashes, I hope I can make what I’ve built stick permanently and to give the fruits of my labor to someone who believes in change.
You’re a blessing,
Nick
Hi Nick.
You’re right that people aren’t forgiving. Not only that, but they also can’t change their perceptions of those who’ve hurt them. They like seeing them a certain way as doing so makes them feel victimized. For that reason, you should accept your mistakes and let go of your ex. You’ll do much better in your next relationship because of this breakup.
Stay strong, Nick!
Best regards,
Zan
So here is the update I had promised,
I spent 5.5 months working on myself and 4.5 months of no contact went by. I did my meditation, I did therapy, I maintained my Buddhist precepts of not lying and not indulging in sexual conduct and most importantly not using women to fill a whole of insecurity and feeling wanted. I worked on my anxious attachment style and got really far in accepting myself without the need for others’ admiration.
And suddenly one day early in the AM, around 5AM she texts me to say she thought about me while with her new BF at my old condo building. Something truly hurtful for me to hear, especially as an opener after so long, I should have clued in right then that this was not a reconciliation reach out, but I didn’t. We texted back and forth a for a couple days and I maintained my neutrality, seeming like I don’t care and suddenly she called me! So we spoke, and she asked about my meditation practice and what I’ve learned and discovered in these months. She grilled me on the perceived cheating (not the real ones) and the mistakes I had made. I was totally honest (the most honest I’ve ever been in my life), she listened and after much debate she made it seem like there is an opportunity to work towards something. It felt like oh my god, all of my work, could actually have amounted to something! We could have our relationship back!
2-3 hours later sends me a text saying she still didn’t believe me and that it was impossible for me to be honest with her, despite my having done just that. This sent me into a vicious and terrible circle almost taking me back to the moment of the breakup. I called her, fighting for her, begging for her to believe me, I was being honest, but it didn’t matter. Her tone suddenly changed from the previous conversation, she knew she had me in my weak place again, and she was no longer interested, like I was nothing to her again. She gaslit me and made it seem like my stories don’t line up and played victim card all over again. We finally hung up with her saying, let’s go our separate ways because she can never believe me wrapping up with “maybe in 5 years this time, I can respect you again and if we’re still single by then we’ll see if we can try. “I thought these 5.5 months have been the hardest time of my life, and she wants me to go for another 5 YEARS!?
When we hung up, I sat back, and it finally dawned on me! This whole thing was a game! I had a narcissistic girlfriend, and this reach out was nothing more than a check on me to see if I’m available for her, which the moment she got that, she felt satisfied, made up an excuse about how she didn’t believe me and went on her merry way.
So I obviously didn’t play all my “cards right” to get her back but actually I’m glad I didn’t, because it highlighted and proved without a shadow of a doubt that I did have a narcissistic girlfriend. She couldn’t admit to any wrong doing, she never admitted to being wrong, and I specifically asked her to name an instant of being wrong and what she cited was a complete cop out (I was wrongly informed by someone about something) not an actual admitting of a mistake.
The moral of the story, in my case, what I was fighting to get back and worked hard for was the most toxic relationship I have ever had in my life and I didn’t have enough distance from it to see it before. I made my fair share of mistakes in that relationship, and I regret them and have learned from them. But I also needed to get the hell away from this person who truly never actually gave a shit about me.
I’m moving on, and won’t likely come back here as I want nothing to do with this person again. But I truly appreciate everyone who’s commented here and Zan’s articles and the community around them. You were all part of my healing journey and I’m better because of it.
Hi Nick.
Your ex brought out the worst in you. She triggered the insecurities she caused and made you desperate for her love. This is why leaving exes behind and letting them perceive you any way they want is better than staying in touch with them and hoping something might happen.
She never intended to get back together with you. She just wanted to see how you were doing and what you were up to. The moment she saw you still wanted her, she became defensive, doubted your growth, and got into a fight with you.
Stay away from her from now on, Nick. She can’t be your partner anymore.
Best regards,
Zan
I have maintained full NC for 3 months now. The breakup started about more a month before that, during which our communication was mostly limited to three counseling sessions.
My ex and I dated briefly for a year, approximately 14 years ago. I called it off because I felt we had too many issues to deal with. Three years of NC and we got back and stayed together for 9.5 years. I am the dumpee this time because my ex was unhappy with my political and social views! In October 2020 I asked my ex why he was distant, and this is more or less the reason. I was devastated at the thought of breakup and tried to keep quiet about my opinions, find counseling, etc. I wanted to prevent the relationship from falling apart. it worked for a while but I was concerned that he wasn’t initiating efforts and by March 2021, I went into shut down mode. Our interactions got limited to minimal conversations and finally in May it was again me who brought up the subject and said we need to talk. That’s when my ex said he thinks that “we are at an impasse and this should end, although he doesn’t want it to end”. I agreed and told him that I want to be appreciated in a relationship, and I don’t feel that. We did 3 sessions of counseling but then the counsel said they couldn’t continue having virtual sessions anymore.
I sent a message to the ex and informed him of that, and also said it looks like my unilateral efforts to find a solution are not working. That was it.
While in NC I have been grieving intensely. I love him and don’t want to give up on our relationship. I want it lifelong. It wasn’t perfect for me in the latter years either, but I wanted to talk and find ways to make it work. I would love to put mutual effort and make it the amazing relationship that I believe it could have been.
I am not sure though if NC should only be broken by the dumper. At some point I may contact them for some clarity on moving on permanently or whether there is hope. My ex is slow in processing emotions. He once didn’t talk to his sibling for several years for some reason which I could not and would not have done. also he is a procrastinator which makes it even less likely for him to reach out. I don’t think that I will give full control of the fate of our relationship to the waiting game indefinitely.
Hi Bree, I’m in a similar situation. Do you have an update?:)
I divorced on 8/27/20 after she was gone for 1yr and 7 months. I had to make monthly payments until 2/15/21. She has me blocked on everything for over 1yr 7months. Even though she has me blocked will my no contact still work ? I haven’t contacted her since 2/15/21 in any way.
Hi Bill.
I can’t say if NC will work for sure. But I can tell you that messaging her or running into her won’t work. Right now, she feels uncomfortable by everything that’s happened, so you don’t have a choice but to keep moving on with your life.
She’ll reach out to you if she ever wants to speak.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, after 2 years my ex-wife recently unblocked me only on Facebook messenger. Besides that, I got a weird phone call from someone I think was a friend of hers. The call was only 2-3 minutes then she hung up. I’m still in total no contact and plan on staying in it until she reaches out. Is this a sign that she will eventually reach out to me? Am I right to stay in no contact until she reaches out? I didn’t ever think I would ever be unblocked but, I guess no contact does work especially when things go south or not as good as they had it.
Today is the 5th day of no contact from my side ( dumper). After a very small argument she took 20 days and finally decided and told me that we can’t be partners at all.she dont respect me anymore. I have done so much of pleading and begging. I have been blocked in all platforms since 1sept 2020. But I really love her. Now hoping for no contact my work on getting her back.
This is the best article I’ve ever read in this subject
And I’ve read 100’s. Thank you!
Wow!! Amazed with literally every article of you! Thank you Zan
I don’t know for how many times I read some article of yours? But they all are so on point and helpful ;))
I don’t think that I had other choices but respect his decision and leave 🤷🏼♀️
As always, thanks for reading Linda!
You didn’t have any choice but to respect him and yourself.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan for always the honest answers ❤️
Thanks for the positive comments!
Best,
Zan
How to handle a professional breakup where a dumper is a member of a sports team and the coach needs to be in touch but will have to break “no Contact” in order to communicate? Don’t wish to break no contact but need to know if dumper is still part of the team or has quit for personal reasons.
Hi Bill.
In that case, the coach should reach out and communicate. He needs to do it for the sake of the team.
Sincerely,
Zan