Giving an ex space after the breakup is crucial. It could help her cool off and come back, provided you leave her alone without begging, respect her feelings, and respect yourself. The sooner you let her go, the better she will feel and the less damage you’ll cause to your post-breakup persona (your image).
Space is necessary in relationships and after breakups. It creates an emotional equilibrium and a power balance between couples or ex-couples who may or may not want the same thing. Without space, you won’t attract anyone because you’ll show that you don’t understand and respect people’s emotional needs and boundaries.
You’ll present yourself as someone needy or clingy who can’t live without attaching and relying on someone else for emotional satisfaction. If you refuse to give your partner or ex-partner space, you’ll lose her respect much quicker than you would by expressing anger and discontent. This is because you’ll overwhelm her with emotional expectations and bring out the worst in her.
Although space is extremely important after the breakup, it’s not the only thing your ex needs to come back. She also needs to love you and/or not love herself. She needs to regret leaving, feel hurt, and understand that she’ll stay unhappy if her life stays as it is. The realization that she made a mistake and that she’s responsible for fixing it could encourage her to stop thinking negatively about you and the relationship and stop running away from problems.
It could make her take accountability for her actions and want a better life.
The most important, yet most difficult part of the reconciliation process is realizing that she made a terrible mistake and that she isn’t happy and won’t be happy if she stays on the path she’s on. Many dumpers think of themselves as victims and dislike or despise their exes with passion. They think of their exes as people who hurt them, took them for granted, and left them with no choice but to abandon them.
They’re convinced their exes are incompatible with them and that they can be happier on their own or with some other person.
Despite your ex being convinced that the breakup is all your fault and that she had to leave you to be happy and in control of her life, you still have to give her space. Space on its own may not fix the issues from the past and improve her perception of you (much), but it will give her time to get more experience in life and see you from different perspectives.
If she fails and learns some valuable life lessons, she could acknowledge her mistakes and flaws and see you in a better light. And if she lacks the tools to help herself feel better and live a successful life, she could also return to you and value you more.
This all depends on the lessons she learns and the realizations she has. If she realizes she took you for granted and dealt with issues poorly, she could come back and treat you better than ever. But if she only encounters something stressful and doesn’t put much thought into it, she could deal with her problems herself or come back to you only temporarily.
She could ask for friendship or a relationship she doesn’t see herself committing to long-term.
You need to observe her behavior and make sure she wants you for the right reasons. If she wants you in her life just so she can help herself, you should reject her and avoid her. Don’t interact with her just because you miss her and want her to validate you.
It may feel good in the moment, but it will cause more rejection pain later.
So bear in mind that giving her space is the right thing to do. It’s the right thing to do whether she comes back or not. In the worst-case scenario, space will let you focus on yourself rather than your ex, return your lost power and happiness to you, and reduce the number of emotional setbacks and amount of pain you suffer as a result of the breakup.
Giving your ex space is the right thing to do 99.9% of the time. The only time voluntarily giving your ex space is a bad idea is when your ex wants you in her life and asks or expects you to fix some issues before she feels comfortable enough to recommit and invest in you. If she specifically asks you to change some part about yourself (let’s say your drug addiction) and says she’ll feel safe and ready to invest in you again when you’re clean, you should work on yourself while keeping in touch with her.
Pushing her away could cause her to fall out of love and give up on you altogether. This is because she could think you’ve taken the criticism personally and ignored her ultimatum. Space is necessary only when she doesn’t want to talk and/or get back together. In such cases, your ex wants space, so you have no choice but to give your ex what she wants.
If you don’t give her space, she will likely feel pressured and react negatively to your high emotional expectations.
The alternative to space is communication—and it will likely guilt-trip, smother, and annoy your ex to the extreme. You will likely irritate your ex so much your ex will respond emotionally. An emotional response includes anger, revenge, coldness, ignoring, or blocking.
In today’s post, we talk about how space affects the dumper and why you should give your ex space if you want her back.
Why should I give my ex-girlfriend space?
Space gives respect and demands respect. It shows that you possess the strength to pull away and detach from your ex when you’re no longer wanted. Space tells your ex that you love yourself more than your ex and that you won’t try to change your ex’s mind about breaking up.
It has a slight reverse psychology effect. When you say or show you don’t want something, it makes you look stronger and more attractive simply because you don’t want it or have the strength to resist it. It piques your ex’s interest and attracts your ex more than your commitment to obtain your ex’s love and validation.
Space on its own likely won’t reattract your ex (unless your ex broke up with you to hog all the power and force you to change. But it will reveal a different side of you. It will show that you don’t beg exes for attention and forgiveness and that you’ll share your positive traits with someone else if your ex doesn’t hurry up and come back.
Your ex needs to know that time is ticking and that she could lose you for good if she doesn’t return quickly. Limited time could give her a sense of urgency and force her to secure a spot in a relationship with you. Contrarily, if she sees that you’re waiting for her by not giving her space, she’ll understand that she has all the time in the world to monkey-branch from one relationship to the next and explore other options.
She won’t have to come back because she’ll sense your desperation to reconnect and feel safe. If she thinks you’re waiting for her and that you’ll take her back easily every time, she’ll think she’s the price and that she can string you along and treat you any way she wants. This kind of thinking will severely impact her ability to redevelop romantic feelings, expectations, and goals.
It will make it nearly impossible for her to respect you as an equal and love you as much or more than before.
So handle the breakup confidently and maturely. Don’t talk to her and hope that she’ll realize your worth through communication and effort. Lost feelings don’t come back because of niceness and willingness to work things through. They come back because dumpees stand up for themselves and wait for dumpers to get in trouble.
When they get in trouble, they start taking their problems seriously, thinking about their poor decisions, and wondering if leaving their ex improved or worsened their life. Space and unresolvable personal problems essentially force them to think about their happiness and safety and urge them to make emotional decisions.
Therefore, your best bet is to give your ex-girlfriend space to encounter a problem she can’t or doesn’t want to work through alone. When that happens, she’ll contact you to breadcrumb you or get back together with you. No matter what happens, she’ll reach out to you first and let you decide what’s best for you.
If the breakup just happened, you probably don’t want to give your ex space. You’re emotional, so you want to stay close to your ex and talk your way back into a relationship. You wonder if no contact is the right approach to the breakup and if it applies to you.
Rest assured that giving her space is definitely the right thing to do. It’s extremely hard and contrary to your desires and needs, but that’s why it’s so effective. You must give your ex space if you want her to respect you, feel respected, and come back to you when the situation allows her.
There is no better reconciliation tactic than no contact. No contact is the only ex-back plan that puts your ex in charge of her life and preserves your value as a dumpee.
Having said there, here’s why space can make her come back after the breakup.
Will she come back if I give her space?
It’s impossible to tell if or when your ex will come back if you give her space. Space doesn’t guarantee reconciliation and eternal happiness. It merely gives your ex the time to self-prioritize and see if she can be happy without you. Her life will likely be great for a while. Your ex will appreciate the space and feel empowered by the breakup.
The real question is whether she can stay happy once she stops feeling relieved. Does she have what it takes to take care of her wants and needs and have a successful relationship with someone else?
If she can live a fulfilling life without you, it’s unlikely that she’ll come back. She won’t have to because she’ll already have everything she needs.
Exes leave for a reason and come back for a reason as well. That reason is some kind of lacking or craving. It can be loneliness, unhappiness, anxiety, fear, depression, regret, romantic feelings, guilt, financial problems, confusion, or a combination of multiple things. Not all reasons are authentic, but that’s why some exes leave shortly after coming back.
They get what they need from their ex and stop investing in him or her.
To ensure that doesn’t happen to you, don’t guilt-trip your ex and manipulate her emotions. Let her make her own decision to be with you. Once she has, ask her lots of questions and figure out if you can trust her again. Her responses will reveal why she returned and whether she wants to be with you long-term.
So bear in mind that reconciliations are difficult to predict. All breakups happen for different reasons and need different fixes. Some need the dumper to date other people and fail badly whereas others need lots of thinking and growing.
All breakups, however, need space and time to process the past. Once dumpers have dealt with negative thoughts and feelings, they usually need something to push them toward their ex. This can be a bad dating experience or the fear of their ex moving on and dating other people.
Even though space doesn’t guarantee reflection, growth, and regret, it’s your only option as a dumpee. You have to give your ex space to process pain, anger, or feelings of suffocation. Space will help your ex feel better and urge her to reach out when boredom, nostalgia, guilt, shame, or some other feeling arises.
Yes, waiting sucks, but don’t just wait for your ex. Make sure to also invest in yourself and those who still want you in their life. It will keep you busy and give you a sense of purpose.
I wish I could tell you that your ex will come back for sure if you give her space, but reconciliations are more complicated than that. They usually take something painful and out of your control to change dumpers’ opinions and feelings. Something that affects their self-esteem and triggers their desire for love and safety.
When they fear for their safety and crave fulfillment, they stop thinking highly of themselves and remember all the nice things their ex did for them. Until then, they think negative thoughts and rely on them for self-empowerment. They don’t entertain doubts and let their ex close to them.
Do you think you should give her space to make her come back? What’s your opinion on giving an ex space after the breakup? Let us know in the comments below.
And if you want to chat with us about giving your ex space, check out our coaching options and get in touch.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
