The most difficult kind of breakup is when parents don’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend.
It’s so difficult because the people who have been with you since the very beginning are sort of expected to be supportive of your romantic life and the decision you make in life. In a way, their validation provides assurance and acceptance while their rejection of your partner does the opposite.
If your parents don’t provide proper validation, love, and care from an early age, you may develop an anxious or an avoidant attachment style.
And if this carries into adulthood, you may suffer from a lack of love and develop your own relationship difficulties that otherwise wouldn’t be present.
Furthermore, if your family tries to force you to break up with your partner, you may find yourself in dilemma choosing between the people who have given you life and your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Forced breakup because of parents
If your parents don’t like your fiancé, fiancée, boyfriend or girlfriend, the situation is often really difficult and frequently—even hopeless. That’s because things may quickly escalate to the point where you have to decide between your family or your partner.
Now, if you have a family of your own already and you’re with the person you love, then the decision is a no-brainer. You will always choose your wife/husband and the kids over your parents’ judgment.
But if you’re still young (let’s say in your 20s), then your parents might have a final say. This, of course, depends on your cultural and religious background as well as the kind of relationship you have with your parents.
If your family is the one making the decisions about who you can date and be with, then, by all means, listen to them. They are the ones who will approve or disapprove of the person you’re seeing so there’s nothing you can do about that.
This kind of parenting regime is quite common in South Asia, but it nevertheless, also exists all around the world.
Moreover, it’s not just the South Asian families who sometimes control the fate of their children’s relationships and marriages. It’s American and European families too.
My parents want me to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend
In some countries, parents make important relationship decisions so it would be wrong for me to advise you to go against your parents.
The most you can do is to try to reason with them and explain how your boyfriend or girlfriend is right for you and how he or she will contribute to the family.
Provided your partner is truly good for you and doesn’t hurt you or anything like that, then most of the time, families will accept the person you’re dating.
But if they don’t accept him or her, and your partner is actually a good human being, and you’ve been with him or her for a long time, then things could get ugly.
Since disapproving parents usually stand by their decision that you should break up with your partner, relationships like this almost never end well.
Whenever your parents pester you, they put unnecessary stress on the relationship and make your relationship with the person you love unbelievably hard.
The person you’re dating feels extremely unwelcome and probably hates your parents’ rejection and possibly even them. That’s why it’s really difficult for your partner to want to stay around your parents who hate his or her guts. It’s difficult even if your partner loves you to the moon and back.
I personally know how it feels to be rejected by parents because I’ve been there before. It doesn’t feel one bit exciting and I can say that I never want to be in that position again.
In fact, it’s so horrible I’d made the promise to myself that I’d rather be with someone whose family approves of me. In this way, I’d save myself the unnecessary drama and the desperation to win their approval.
Winning parents’ recognition
If you’re a reader of the blog, you likely already know that winning somebody’s recognition is the most degrading thing ever.
Everybody in this world deserves a fair chance based on their internal factors. People should be evaluated for the people they are, not the external fortunes they possess.
Sure, having a job is important when you want to get married and have children, but this alone doesn’t make a person truly valuable. Not to the right people anyway.
For example, you are not going to live your life happily with someone just because he or she is a doctor. On the contrary, you are likely going to get in a thousand arguments with this person because of various different incompatibilities and contradictory points of view.
Disapproving parents that want you to break up usually first see the person’s social and financial status. Everything else is hidden from view as no one but the couple can discern each other’s personalities—which should always be #1.
The only reason, for example, that you are not a rattlesnake is that your mother and father weren’t rattlesnakes. You deserve very little credit for being what you are.
Dale carnegie
Just how you deserve very little credit for who you are, so do your parents. They are who they are based on the society they grew up in, the parenting, their own mentality and many other factors that have very little to do with them.
People usually form an opinion of another person in mere seconds. They visually determine if the person is appealing, how his or her body language is and the way they speak. These 3 things we obtain very quickly, hence why the first impression matters so much.
Changing this first impression, however, takes time. If the person said something appalling in the first minute, for example, then we may despise the person so much that we will never give him a chance to redeem himself or herself.
The same can be said for parents that have formed their own beliefs about the person they want you to break up with.
How to get your parents to like your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Getting your parents to like your boyfriend or girlfriend is hard, but not impossibly hard. It really depends on how open your parents are and how well-versed are at persuading people.
Sometimes, you just need to sit them down and explain to them that the person you’re seeing is wife/husband material. You need to show them your commitment to the person and your utter dedication to take the relationship to the new level.
If explaining to them and showing them that you love your partner doesn’t get your parents to like your partner, on the other hand, then nothing will.
It can be difficult to talk to your parents if they are arrogant, ignorant and hard-headed. It can also be difficult to accomplish much when your parents hate your boyfriend or girlfriend for no apparent reason.
Some people are impossible to reason with so even if you try your very best and show them everything they need to see, they could still be against the relationship.
That’s because some people are controlled by a high ego and would rather take a butt-whipping than admit they were wrong.
Parents can also be so stubborn that nothing changes their mind. In such cases, your relationship may be completely hopeless even if you’ve done everything right from beginning to the end.
Some people just can’t be influenced.
Period.
Parents are forcing me to break up
Chances are your parents will never be happy until you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. No matter how much you beg them to be happy for your happiness, it might never happen.
In that case, you have a decision to make.
Sometimes keeping both your parents and your partner is not possible and it’s truly a horrible feeling.
You can either choose to be happy with the person who loves you and wants a relationship with you or to listen to your parents and let your partner go.
Although the middle ground – to keep your parents and your partner sounds like the best option, you may not be able to go down that route when your parents are giving you an ultimatum.
They expect you to do as they say and find someone more to their liking as if it’s them who are going to spend their life by your side.
They are nonetheless, always going to support you, but they won’t wake up next to you and get old with you.
Choosing between your partner and your parents
Casting your parents aside sounds like a horrible idea and most people don’t do it. They will instead argue with their parents for a while and eventually give up on the person they love.
Not only will they give up, but they will completely lose attraction because their parents will have ruined their relationship for them.
They will argue with their parents so much and so often that they will end up believing their parents in the end and might even end up hating their partner.
The dumper often becomes cold and distant as a result of a breakup. And the breakup caused by parents is no different. The dumper could act as if it’s the dumpee’s fault the breakup occurred and may appear very mean and disinterested in his or her (ex) partner.
So if you’re in a position where you need to decide between your partner and your parents, I wish I could help you decide. Unfortunately, all I can do is tell you how I see things.
My humble opinion
It’s not for me to decide for you, but I’d like to share my thoughts on this matter. Please note that my opinion may not apply to all regions of the world as I am from the western part of the globe.
So if parents had been deciding who their children marry in your family for generations and generations, then using my advice would be impossible and likely extremely impolite toward your family. Please keep that in mind.
My personal belief is that parents can be amazing guides as they almost always give good relationship advice. Moreover, I also think that they should always support their children’s romantic decisions as long as their children are content and of mature age.
Their personal experiences and wisdom can often help their children overcome many difficulties and make their lives many times easier.
Just how parents don’t always agree with us, we don’t always agree with them. We may not agree with their taste in music, food, favorite places in the world and other things that are a matter of preference.
But there are some things we should not oppose for the sake of their happiness and at the same time—our own.
We can’t disapprove of their religion, strong beliefs, visual appearance, new partner, choice of friends (unless they are harmful), etc. We must remember that their personal lives are theirs to live.
So just how you shouldn’t oppose your mature parents’ private life, neither should they disapprove of yours. Provided you’re an adult, you are more than capable of making your own decisions, hence why you were given a brain of your own.
If you commit a horrible crime, you will be defending yourself at the court. Your parents can’t serve their time in jail for you.
So if the love you feel toward your partner is genuine, then your parents should never have the power to try to force you to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Personally, I think it’s very, very wrong for loving parents to go against their sons and daughters and take their happiness away just because they don’t get along or don’t like their partners.
To me, it seems very selfish and disrespectful toward you as a person who had made the decision to be with the person you love and invested emotionally in him or her.
Such parents are essentially telling you to detach from the person with whom you want to spend your life with and pretend as if he or she never mattered.
Just because they are parents and hold a special place in your heart doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse their power and force you to break up.
They can give you their opinion and tell you why your relationship may not be the healthiest for you. But apart from that, it’s not their concern.
I know I sound very biased and extremely against disapproving parents who want their sons and daughters to break up with their partners.
Perhaps that’s because my parents have always approved of the girls I’ve dated and entrusted me with the decision-making to take care of myself—which I did.
I may not have always chosen the best partners for me, but I had to learn that myself.
It’s as if you buy a box of candies and your parents tell you that the red candies taste bad and that you absolutely can’t have them. They make the assumption that their judgment is absolute and that they really don’t want you to think for yourself.
So even if you tasted the red candy before and you liked it, some parents might still insist that it’s not good because they don’t like it. They simply expect you to respect their dictatorship.
Everybody has their own way of thinking and this is merely my opinion.
The ultimate decision will always be up to you to make.
Are your parents forcing you to break up with your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, fiancée, husband or wife? What are you going to do? Comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My boyfriend broke up with me because his parents disapprove of me and his mom told him it’s either us or her. He told me he’s conflicted on whether to move far away or just end things with me. 2 weeks ago he ended things with me saying “I don’t want you” we are not meant to be after a very big fight with multiple family members. He used to tell me we are perfect for each other. He said his parents took the sparkle in his eye that he had for me. What should I do? Is there a chance he will come back?
this hit hard. my boyfriend and i have been dating for a year. i’ll give some background, around this time last year i walked into class and met my now boyfriend ever since then we have been together, we later found out he went to preschool with my brother and our parents have know each other for years. At the beginning of the relationship things were great with his parents they loved me and they were always texting him and asking how i was doing almost everyday they always made me feel welcome. As usual teen relationships we catch ourselves arguing often about stupid things that don’t really matter. I admit that we have both said and done things that weren’t right and never should’ve happened but I feel as if the important part was we learned from it and we were trying to improve it. Recently his parents have been taking his phone almost every night and reading all of our texts, they read messages from an argument we had about his friend. I saw on his messages about a month ago of his friend talking very poorly of me to him, my bf didn’t agree with him but he also didn’t defend me either. i got pretty upset and right after this happened he decided to go to lunch with them instead of me and i blew up, anyways they read the messages started calling me controlling and ever since then things have been horrible. Him and I had been on edge constantly worrying because his parents had mentioned literally forcing him to break up with me. This past weekend his parents went on a trip just the two of them and he hung out with me and his mom flipped out and said she supposed said he wasn’t aloud to hangout with me and he said he never heard her say this and i believe him because i feel as if she told him this he would’ve mentioned it. He said right when they got home they took his phone went into his room and took everything he ever had from me and then all of his belongings from his room and threw it out of the house. They then took his phone for two days and randomly the other night i got the dreaded text. his parents forced him to leave me they said if he didn’t leave me they would take everything, kick him out, make him buy his own phone and pay his phone bill, they also told him once he turns 18 in a few months they wouldn’t be his family anymore. like WTF. I believe they are having a hard time accepting he’s growing up and they are losing control over him in some ways, i also feel as if his mom is the jealous type and is jealous her baby boy is in love. We have been secretly dating at school and they have no idea, he is not aloud to text me at all and his friends are also against us. My parents are pretty upset as they believe that we have to live and learn and they need to allow him to make his own relationship decisions to find out what works and what doesn’t, my mom said it hurts her as a parent to see me like this because i’ve been dealt a pretty shitty hand in relationships and this one is amazing in my opinion other than this. he has been trying to have mature conversations in hopes of them letting him date me again but i’m starting to believe there’s no hope for us. he is hoping i’ll date him in secret for as long as it takes and i feel as if this would be unrealistic. HELP!!!
Hi Av.
You’re in quite a difficult situation. His parents don’t want him to date you, so they’re prepared to do anything to break you up (even threaten him with eviction and buying his own things). The guy fortunately, doesn’t agree with them and is willing to fight for the relationship.
You must ask yourself if you’re willing to have such parents in law. It can be extremely stressful not to have the support you deserve from your partner’s most important and highly involved parents. Personally, I wouldn’t be in a relationship like that, but you’re free to make your own decisions.
You’re still young, so you have a lot to learn. I encouage you to have a talk with your boyfriend. See what he thinks and what he’s going to do if his parents pressure him. When they find out you’re still dating, they’ll probably threaten him again. He could dump you in an effort to please his parents.
So make sure to think things through before you settle for a relationship in which you must hide publicly.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi
Idk if my situation fully applies because I never got to date my potential boyfriend. But earlier this year, me and my best friend of almost 3 years now started becoming interested in each other. All of our mutual friends saw it for months, my parents seemed to really like him, and we finally confessed to loving each other in March. We started talking about pursuing a relationship (for about a week) and he wanted to tell my parents his intentions. I was excited and so was he, we had been leading up to this moment for months. But before we planned on telling them, we had a big get together with our friends (shortly after this talk) and after we started to leave to go eat, I got in his car since he offered to take me to the place. Little did we know that my mother was in the same parking lot and was spying on me. She saw me in his car and immediately called me and we both were shocked at her response. She immediately told me that she was disappointed in me and that she was taking me home. We both just sat in shock and I just cried in confusion. After this event, my parents told me they never want me and my friend to get together because he “isnt christian enough” (I am a christian and so is he, which made it even more confusing). We both thought it would be fine with my parents since they always seemed to love him whenever they saw him. For months, my parents would continually bring him up and never let me move on. Me and him kept in contact for a while, and after about 5 months, we were just exhausted dealing with my parents (They treated him like dirt, always talking him down, even his mom called them to understand what was going on and she left the conversation in tears), so we decided to just take a break from each other until it starts to smooth over. We reconnected about a month ago (early October) and are good friends again, but my parents still despise him and dont even want me near him. He doesn’t like my parents because of how they treated him and his mother, and I cant blame him. They also continually shame me for even considering him as a boyfriend and have just become unbearable. I just feel horrible that it ever happened to him, he doesn’t deserve anything like that and the whole situation was so upsetting. We have started to move on from our potential relationship, but its hard to fully because there was no closure, and he doesn’t want to put me in a tough spot by dating me, because it would just be unrelenting trashtalk from my parents…I just dont know what to do.
Hi Z.
You’re in a tough situation because your parents became hateful towards him. They have trashtalked him so much and for so long that it’s become impossible for them to calm down and see him in a better light. They associate negativity with him and won’t open their hearts to him again.
You can either be with him secretly or do what your parents say. This is a decision you have to make alone.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi
I’m so stressed and tired in these days because my parents are forcing me to break up with my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year and 2 months and we really love each other. Honestly there’s no main problem between us but the only problem is between my parents. They don’t like my boyfriend and they really want me to break up with him because he is poor and he has to support his parents forever. My parents told me that they don’t want me to live poorly in future and if I don’t break up with him, they will stop supporting me and my education.I’m still in university so I can’t do anything against them. But I know my boyfriend really loves me and we plan to marry one day. He is a good person but my parents ignore him because of his financial and family background. His family also love me as their daughter. I know my parents are selfish and stubborn so I explained them about my boyfriend and his family but they don’t change their mind. and I’m really happy with my boyfriend and we don’t want to break up. So what should I do? Can you advise me?
Hi Ruth.
You either go against your parents or do what they say. Those are your only options. Of course, you could hide the relationship from them, but that would be awful for you and everyone involved. The decision is yours to make. I live in the west, so I would explain why my partner is important to me and cease communication with them if they don’t support me and value my feelings.
Kind regards,
Zan
SHOULD I CONTINUE PURSUING HER NOW OR EVEN IN FUTURE WHEN I MET HER or TO MOVE ON AND IMPROVE?
THIS IS VERY SPECIFIC SCENARIO AND I NEED YOUR OPINIONS ABOUT THIS.
I’m from Philippines and my girlfriend and I is 18 years old and entering college this August 2023. We are both living on our parents and they are the ones funding us for our college tuition and expenses (I have a side hustle and freelancer so I can buy my things, but she doesn’t have any side hustles or job).
It started when I asked her out on February 2022, we started talking since December but I start having a courage to ask her out in February. After that her initial reaction is she’s scared because her parents is so strict. Moving on to March 12, 2023. She turn 18 years old and I thought that’s the time when she is gonna introduce me to her parents but It didn’t happen. I just go to her birthday and just casually talk her parents and her relatives. Then of course there’s birthday message from her parents is and one message that stood out to me is to “FOCUS ON YOUR STUDIES AND YOU SHOULD NOT ENGAGE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP WHILE YOU ARE STILL ON COLLEGE”.
After that celebration, I just cried outside her house and that is the time she said that we are official despite that her parents didn’t want her to have a boyfriend. Then after a week she should introduce me to her parents but they have an argument about family problems and it affect our plans to introduce me, it affects a lot. After their family problem argument, her parents said that we should stop this and move on now.
After the day they argued she’s so dry to me and don’t know what to say. But she say it anyway that she’s afraid that I might leave her if I know that her parents disapproved me. But that is the moment that we show commitment, we became strong and continue our relationship despite of her parents decision. After 1 week of argument, her father saw me that we are together in our school and it leads into physical harm and they confiscated her phone. We can still talk by the use of her laptop we communicate. THEN after a week of that scenario, its last week of March 2023, they caught us talking again and that is the time it became serious. Her parents talk to our adviser that we should be separated. We didn’t talk for 2 days and we are so scared to lose our relationship. But after 3 days we finally talk and we agree that we are going into private relationship and will create dump account or separate account because her parents is suspicious and they are checking her phone everyday. Her privacy is fvck up. But we didn’t stop
From April 2023 – June 16, 2023 we are on private relationship but we breakup with me.
Thursday night they talk about the college entrance exam in one of the schools she’s applying and and her parents open up that one of the universities she’s applying, I also applied and the information comes from her cousin. After that her parents became suspicious that we might still talking. They said that they will not gonna fund her college tuition and expenses and she might evicted from her home is we are still talking. But this time because we have plans that we are gonna limit our time talking when her parents comes home from work, they didn’t cause us talking. BUT her friends conversation topic is all about me. So, her parents is very suspicious to her and harm her like she’s not her child.
Now she has trauma from physical and verbal abuse from her parents.
She now decide to breakup with me and didn’t fight for our relationship. I know that she’s type of woman that doesn’t fling because of her parents is so strict. I am the only one who pursue her and treat her like a queen. But she still breakup with me.
Should I continue pursuing her now or even in future when I met her or move on and improve?
She said that she don’t have any vision right now to start any forms of relationship or talking stage because she is traumatized from the situation. She doesn’t assure me now and in future that we might comeback because her vision and emotion is very fcked up. I know that she has a goal in our relationship before, “LONGEVITY” and “TEAMWORK”.
Now, I am confused because she didn’t throw away the things I gave to her and our picture. She kept it and didn’t want to throw away. It still gives me hope but I am confused. We love each other and we have plans to marry each other because that’s our plan and that is how I like her. But her parents disapproved us. What should I do?
Hi Your love and constant.
Improving yourself isn’t going to fix this problem. Her parents won’t see you in a different light because they think it’s too early for her to date. You should give her space as she doesn’t want to keep going against her parents. The girl needs to come back on her own. And she’ll do that only if she thinks that fighting with her parents is worth the suffering.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi everyone,
I have been with him for four years. We lived together through all of college our bachelors and masters. He is my everything. Literally treats me amazing. Ive never wondered what someone else would be like its nothing like that. We genuinely love each other. Hes arab and his parents don’t approve of me. I know he fought as hard as he could for me over the four years. I believe he loves me. But why couldn’t he choose me? I was wondering but this article helped me accept it a little bit more. I was willing to change my whole career path and move to be with him because I thought that was my fault. He’s always hesitant to say he will go with me to med school. But after he broke up with me that was the most confident assured face I have ever seen when he said I dont have a doubt in my mind I would have gone with you anywhere. I needed that type of love and he gave it to me. Does that make it easier or harder to let go? Our love was so complete and epic but the last few chapters where the happy ending go were ripped out. I saw ripped and not burned because his parents can put it back together. They can glue them in. There will always be a tare but im okay with that. I want any part of him. I cant be his friend though. I cant be used to get over him. I want him to know my big life events though. I want to celebrate and cry with him. This is one of the biggest turning points in my career and he’s going to miss it. I wont have that memory. Everything was over the phone. He needs me to let him go. Accept that this decision is final. I cant let go of the hope that if I just talked to his parents they would find some peace with me being indian. Like the values are close enough. I want to go back in time when he was here and hold him as tight as I can. Or at least one last hug. I want to contact his parents so bad. But he’s the one who broke up with me not him. Im pretty sure they wouldn’t disown him they arent like that. He could choose me. But he’s not ready for the idea of forever. We’re too young (23). And taking that risk when it very well couldn’t work out but honestly we’ve had enough serious fights and lived together for years that all the major issues are gone. We have fought for us at the last turn and won every battle. We lost the war. I need some to have him read this blog. Did he even consider going against them? He must have I know him. I dont know what consequences scare him. We arent the same person. I dont know everything. I wish I did. I wish someone could comfort him because this wasnt an easy choice and idk how to let go but I will for him. If you love something let it go right? Ironic that I have to do that but his parents dont.
Hi Upoosh.
He probably went against his parents for a while, but eventually, stopped resisting them and did what they asked of him. The guy doesn’t fight for love the way you do. His parents are authoritative figures in his life and he doesn’t dare to say no to them. I know it’s tough, but you need to give him space as space is what he’s asked for.
Sincerely,
Zan
Me and my boyfriend have been dating secretly for about 7 months. He broke up with me today because his dad found out we are dating and he doesn’t approve of me because I am not a certain race/religion. I am honestly devastated and I don’t know what to do. I really love my boyfriend and I just can’t help but feel like us breaking up because of this is so unfair. I want to hope we can be together again someday
Hi Why.
I’m sorry to hear this. Your ex-boyfriend clearly doesn’t want to go against his dad. He knows that arguing with him would be pointless and that he should accept his fate.
Best wishes
Zan
so my life has been a bit rough since the start and as things were getting better for me i was able to find someone who i want to spend my life with i know it seems a bit rushed to think that way but for me he is the one and the only one i would like to spend my life with, we have dated for a yr and a few months ago my parents made me move with them to another state away from my bf, i am currently 18 and i am now considered as an adult here in america, but theyre rule is that age is just a number and in theyre eyes i am not fit to make any important decisions on my own, they r stubborn immigrant parents and i love them even though i have been hurt by them countless times, i dont want to make them disappointed in me and not love me since i am going against wat they deem is fit for me, i want to live my life and at least have the power to decide things within my relationship. since moving i have been pushed and constantly tormented by my mother that she and my father both disapprove of my relationship because we have moved a few states away from him and they deem him unfit for me even though since the start they doted on him on how he is attractive, how he is able to take care of himself at 19 alone, how he is smart and kind, how they feel bad that his parents left him alone to fend for himself and he is so strong that he can be this successful on his own. they even helped him and bought him various items he needed that they didnt have to do for him. for example we gave him a rabbit and for him to be able to keep in it his apartment he had to pay a $500 dollar fine in which my parents gave him full in cash, they even promised us months before moving that he was allowed to come and visit for christmas and new yrs, they took it all back cus idk y but i assume it is because they realized they let me go too much to where i can not be taken away from them, i am considered theyre possession in theyre words i am their child that they gave so much to me that i am being ungrateful to think i can be with the man i truly love, so i must not be taken. they are set for me to break up with him soon, ive been putting it off but i have been given a deadline of about a month to go thru with it for their wants to be met so i can not be pestered any longer. i feel like my parents know that this relationship, although i am considered young, means a lot to me and has given me more happiness than they ever showed me, i want to be with him for as long as i am able to cus i see a future with him that i havent seen with anyone else. so far i plan on hiding that i am still with him just so they can not hurt me or threaten me anymore, they r head strong and absolutely impossible to persuade, they truly will never change theyre minds so the only way to make them happy is to give in but just enough to where i can be sane and have one thing in my life that i can look forward to since nothing else is, i have done everything they wanted i want to be enough but in theyre eyes nothing is enough for them. is that something i should do i need help i want to have something in my life that makes me happy, but i want my parents to love me and not threaten me so i am stuck and i feel lik that is the only thing i can do at this point after trying for months to change theyre mind, my bf is a good man with no malice so it is shocking how out of no where my parents changed theyre minds because they want me to themselves and at the same time they want me to go around and explore my life with a lot of people to find the one? i dont understand how they are able to believe that they know that for me how they know how i feel and who i love, they act as if they r inside my head and know every thought i have, idk i just need someones opinions from outside my friends and bf i need a third point of view to get thru this.
Hi Dharma.
You only have a few options. You can talk to your parents and try to change their minds. You can stay with your boyfriend and hope that they change their mind later. Or you can listen to your parents and break up. It’s a hard decision to make because your parents’ opinion and happiness matter to you. People can be very stubborn, so know that the more you try to prove you’re right, the more they could resist it and develop resentment as a result.
I would probably stay with my partner and when I’m old enough, move out and be with him. That’s when I would tell them and involve them. But until then, I’d keep things between me and my partner.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I am from a SE asian family. Both me and my gf are 26. We are from the same race. We both love each other very much. We have been together since we started professional school together at 23. It was strong friendship that turned into love and talks about future marriage. I told my partner about my own family situation that my mom is strict because she doesn’t want me to lose the inheritance that she spent working hard to build up all her life. My partner likes to vent to me and I understand the venting isn’t serious just emotional. She vented that she didn’t like how I was being helicopter parented at this age. I tried to introduce her to my parents after 3 years and my parents were skeptical due to her background of divorced parents. Then, my parents saw the private venting texts and are absolutely against her coming into the family. I really love her. But my mother doesn’t like her at all and took everything personally. What should I do? Is my relationship forever over?
Hi Zade.
You should decide whether your parents’ acceptance of your partner is important to you. If it is, see if you can convince them to give it a go. But if they stay hateful, then you either accept that and stay in a relationship despite their disapproval or break up. You have a decision to make.
Kind regards,
Zan
My girlfriend just broke up with me, and I suspect that her parents’ disapproval of me played a significant role in that decision.
There is a considerable age difference between us (I’m 20 years older), as well as cultural differences (I’m a Westerner, she’s an East Asian). Right from the beginning, her parents refused to even consider the possibility of ever accepting me. They refused to meet me and never mentioned me in any conversation with their daughter (they live in a different city). She was only 19 when we got together, and they were furious that she began dating a much older man. Despite that, we managed to stay together for 7 years – mostly very happy ones. We were both deeply and passionately in love with each other.
Yet lately, I’ve become somewhat restless and frustrated. Year after year passed, and our plans to get married and have a baby got delayed further and further. Each time, she said, “wait till my parents approve of you”. And each time, they didn’t.
Then, this summer she told me she’d marry me no matter what. Needless to say, I was overjoyed. But then she went to see her parents in her hometown and it turned out she needed some documents from them to get married, which they refused to give her. So the marriage was, again, delayed indefinitely.
I took it pretty hard. I became depressed. I’m afraid that this damaged my trust in my girlfriend and created negative feelings in me. Things deteriorated quickly. Our sex life, which was remarkably satisfying and passionate all those years, became non-existent. The atmosphere got heavy. I’d have sudden outburst of negativity, blame her in harsh words, and proclaim my unhappiness.
A week ago, she said that her love to me was gone and that this relationship was over.
I’m still trying to figure out whether it was her parent’s pressure or my pressure that drove her to that.
Maybe it was both.
Part of me madly hopes that I can still get her back somehow. I’m 46 years old and I was in love many times, but I’ve never felt such tenderness as I have towards that girl.
Is there anything I can do?
Thank you for your help.
Hi Oleg.
It was both your pressure as well as her parents’ pressure that led to the destruction of the relationship. Love could only withstand so much before it succumbed to negativity. You must understand that she wanted to marry you very badly but couldn’t because of her parents. She didn’t want to disappoint them, so she gave in and let the relationship go. She figured everyone would be happier.
At the moment, there isn’t much you can do. She may have gotten pressured by her parents, but she still made the decision to leave. She wasn’t happy. You must let her be so she can recover and see whether she’s made the right decision.
Stay strong,
Zan
“The dumper often becomes cold and distant as a result of a breakup. And the breakup caused by parents is no different.”
This gives me a new perspective into what happened in my situation. The girl I was dating was madly in love with me and all we talked about was getting married and spending our lives together. I’ve never had someone love me so deeply but it all changed when we decided to get engaged and her parents disapproved. Her parents initiallty liked me when I met them for the first time at her home and they even agreed to meet me at my apartment to be at our engagement. But 2 days later, her sister called and told me the wedding was off since her family thought I wasn’t the right fit for her and they would her husband to be well established and a citizen. I’m a new immigrant to Canada but I’m doing very well financially but it wasn’t enough to convince her parents.
What hurt the most is how quickly she turned cold and didn’t even try to communicate with me about the situation and just blocked all lines of communication. It’s hard to accept someone could get turned by their family so easily and give up on the relationship without even saying goodbye.
@Zan Do you this she will ever have a soft corner for me and understand it wasn’t my fault? or is she more likely to completely forget about me and move on?
Hi again, psyoptica.
Whether she comes back probably depends on the guys she dates in the future. They could make her realize she gave up on someone worthwhile.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi psyoptica.
Her parents’ approval meant a lot to her. So much so that she took their side right away and didn’t even try to fight for what she believed in. I think you should take that seriously as someone who thinks independently should have discussed things with you and fought for you.
Best regards,
Zan
im from pakistan,my dad has always been v strict with me..he’s making me break up with my boyfriend cuz he doesnt approve and marry another man from canada,im in thick soup here..my boyfriend and i really love eachother and it would effect us deeply to go thru with this situation,i dont ever wanna give up on him..I’d rather have hope for us than no hope at all but if i get married i have to move abroad and i can have a future there…here i have no life im stripped off from all my freedom yet im not willing to giv up on the man i love and i want us to have a future,whenever it may be im 18 and hes 21 though we cant get married right now since we’re young but we could have a sort of engagement involving both our parents but that is only if my father agrees which seems impossible considering the kinda man he is…i really dont know what to do because either way i know for a fact that the marriage with the other guy will end up in divorce..my father is not letting me study as its his condition that i marry the guy…I have refused but hes forcing me
Hi Qirat.
You’ll have a hard time convincing your father to understand how you feel. He seems set on his beliefs and uncooperative. You’re still young, so I wouldn’t rush this relationship. Give it a couple of years or so to get to know him fully. If you’re meant for each other then, you can get married. I know you’re in a hurry because your parents are trying to get you to marry some other person, but I would reject that marriage proposal if I were you and wait a little bit longer.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of 2.5 years is Armenian. He had lived in the US all his life though. He is an only child. His parents recently met me and automatically disapproved of us. I am 8 years older than him, granted he is 41 years old. I’m divorced with two children. His parents do not like that. They say we don’t look good together. He is disgracing the family by dating me and we will never have their approval. He is very torn. He feels like he needs to be there for them because they depend on him a lot. He sees them three times a week. Now he is telling me he needs some time apart from me. That he is just too upset and mad at his parents. Really I think he is breaking up because he wants to please them. It’s hopeless, isn’t it?
Hi Amy.
The guy is listening to his parents and is being brainwashed. As much as he doesn’t like it, their disapproval is affecting his feelings for you. It’s causing problems and he’d rather not have them. That’s why he’s distancing himself from you. You must let him as he’s in charge of his life.
I think you should ask yourself whether you want to be with someone whose parents reject you and who doesn’t fight for you.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello,
Sorry for the long post, this is a super complex situation! So my boyfriend’s parents recently forced him to break up with me. We both didn’t want this, because after 3 years of deep bonding and being best friends (turned partners for 1.5 years) we know that our love and companionship with each other is genuine and not built on shaky foundations.
They have always been supportive of him dating me and had no issue with me. They considered me to be incredibly kind and positive force in his life, someone who made him happy. However, they did take issue with the fact that we could not see each other as often as we liked. Initially, it was because my parents had us take it slow at first (seeing that I’m their first born daughter, they were protective of me even though we are both adults). But now, it’s because of school and work- something that we were able to work around, but not in a manner that was good enough for his parents.
Recently he’s been depressed and stressed because they are making him work many hours at a job he knows he has no future in. He asked to switch to one that would be related to his major and one that would allow for more study time. They seemed to ignore that he felt depressed in his academic/work life, and jumped straight to the conclusion that I’m the issue because I don’t see him as often as they’d like me to. Now, they expect him to cut me off, ignoring the fact that this relationship brought him happiness.
Interestingly, they they were supportive of the relationship, but never expressed their expectations about it to either him or I. We both knew that although we were committed to each other as a couple, we would also be committed to our school/work and supportive of each other’s endeavors. Of course, him and I both would have loved to be together every day of every week, but we remained strong and didn’t let studies or work or distance get between the two of us (we go to different universities that are like 20 mins away from each other). We found balance in this way, and it was healthy even if sometimes we were bummed out that we couldn’t see each other as often.
But, his parents determined that this balance “didn’t get happy enough sooner”, and that it’s not healthy for him. He sat down with them and tried to explain that this relationship made him happy, that I made him happy even if it was sad that we couldn’t see each other daily, but they wouldn’t hear it. They heard “depressed” and put it on me, because they already knew we were both sad about not seeing each other as often, even though the real issue was that he felt stuck in his job. Now that he’s depressed I think that the sadness was amplified a little bit, and they just decided to end it all even though that wasn’t the issue.
Now, him and I are just friends- we want to date again and physically hang out together again, but his parents, in their rage, put an ultimatum and decided to “be as strict as my parents” by completely isolating him and tracking his commutes to school and work rather than letting him be an adult. This could be because they’re afraid of him getting distracted from his studies/they want him to work on himself, even though we staged our relationship in a way where we could grow together but also in our own endeavors. Him not being able to see me is just making his academic performance worse because he’s upset about it. He tried distancing himself from me emotionally (following what his parents said) but it didn’t sit right with him since this bond wasn’t meant to be severed in the first place.
Apparently, we can’t see each other physically until he moves out of their house. He’s tired and depressed, and they my parents for it and decided I’m bad and that I should be forgotten. We’re on a break now so he can bring his grades back up, but we both truly want to come back to each other when there’s no strings attached… hopefully after this semester passes. His parents are pretty flexible and hopefully they will have cooled down and realized where the true source of unhappiness was.
But, all of this is hoping and we both don’t know what to do, especially because they treated us as adults but now are isolating us from each other. He has a choice to lay low and bring it up again, follow his parents irrational ultimatum which could take years, or just give up- but he doesn’t want this option. He’s worried that they won’t change and that I’ll find someone else, or that he’ll be forced to settle for someone they feel is better, but that he knows deep down is unfulfilling.
Hi G.
There’s not much you can do other than talk with your parents and hope that they’re more understanding of your relationship. They need to give your relationship room to flourish and stop getting involved. That’s the only thing that can save your relationship.
You probably shouldn’t wait for this person to return because he could leave again the moment his parents disapprove of his relationship.
Best,
Zan
Hi, so i’ve been in relationship with my girlfriend for about a year and 2 months now. I’ve travelled the world with her done some things i’ve always dreamt of doing. Me and her are basically almost 24/7 together. I’m a student in university and so im sometimes really busy but i still managed to see her from time to time. My busy schedule doesnt bother her cause she wants the best for me and my future. my dad for his part never accepted her cause she is not the same nationality as me and she is not what he expected me to be with in my life. He never gave her the chance to prove his prejudice wrong or a chance to really know her for what she is. he is scared that i get her pregnant and that she ruins my future but i know that is not the case cause i trust her and we are very careful cause we both dont want a kid ruining our life right now. this semester my dad took my car from me and said that if you want to go see her take the public transport but i am not going to support a relationship like this and never will I. My mom from her side is not really bothered by the girl but remains neutral not to upset my dad. She knows how beautiful and good of a person she is. She also knows how much we love eachother and that breaking up would affect me and my studies. so she doesnt want that to happen. I explained the situation with my girlfriend for the first time and she said that she wouldnt want me to be between me and the relationship with my dad but that she has faith and will be patient and give it a try atleast to say if it didnt work out that she tried to fight for the one she loved. So she is not really bothered as I am from it. This situation is stressing me out everyday beeing scared to ruin my relationship with my dad who i have a great relationship with or losing my girlfriend who i love a lot for a stupid and ignorant reason like that. It is my choice at the end of the day who i wanna be with and my dad has nothing to do with it. but i also dont wanna ruin my relationship with my dad and continue to be stressed out like this while i have to focus on my studies. Sometimes i think my dad wants me to leave her to focus on my studies. Maybe when i get my diploma will he be proud of me and give me more independance on my life. cause he values my education a lot and dont want me to be distracted even tho me seeing her and my studies is perfectly balanced which he thinks is not true. But im worried after those 2 years of waiting what happens.Maybe he will still be stubborn about it. I dont want to waste her time even tho she is ready for anything even waiting till i graduate. Any advice
Hi Tony.
Disapproving parents are difficult to deal with because they’re so convinced that they’re right. They’re incapable of seeing things from their offspring’s perspective. You’ll have to make a decision, Tony. You either ask your dad for respect and to stay out of your relationship or you do what your dad wants. You can take some time to decide, but keep in mind that your dad likely won’t change his mind.
Best regards,
Zan
Do you think parents with time forgive your choice and move on to accept when they see you happy with this person and building a future with her. especially in this case my mom would never be able to accept a situation where i cant go see her because my dad doesnt want to see me.
Hi Tony.
Sometimes they accept it, but that doesn’t mean they’re okay with it. It’s much more likely that they’ll become bitter.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi,
I am the 1st guy to be introduced formally/legally with the family of my SO. No problems, casual jokes and backgrounders. The day of introduction went smooth. However, in an unexpected situation, we suddenly conceived a baby. We’re frightened, shocked and as well as excited. However, during those moments, I am jobless as I am a full-time student. I did manage to say to my SO that I will look for a job if we will admit it to her parents, however she was scared that I was to be hurt by her father(to that point she’s assuming that I might even get killed coz the father is a veteran Policeman) then all in all she decided to talk about it only with her mom and siblings who are all professional adults and came up with a decision of abortion. Soon after, the family judged me for my incapabilities, and forced us to break up. Me and my SO knew we love each other sincerely and faithfully. Right now, we decided to have a mutual break up. And for I, to focus on my life, hurdle my licensure exams this year and become a professional sooner and start making a living.
Are there any hopes for this relationship?
I am still drowning in sadness/pain of losing my supposed 1st-ever born baby.
I don’t wanna give her up, nor even myself.
I have forgiven them, even if it’s the most painful thing I could ever receive.
Hi Nico.
I’m sorry for your loss. Right now, you can’t convince her parents that this relationship is worth another chance. The girl listened to her parents, so she doesn’t have any fighting spirit. What I do suggest, however, is that you ask yourself if you want to be judged so superficially. Surely, you have more to offer to the table than your profession.
Do no contact for now, Nico.
Kind regards,
Zan
I am forced to break up with my long distance relationship boyfriend because my parents don’t like him. He’s from India and I am from Philippines. Breaking up with the person you truly love which is never your choice to do it, is something heart-breaking and traumatizing. We’ve been together for almost a year and my wounded heart is still not getting over it. He’s really good to me, I can feel it even we’re miles away. We made plans for us, for our future and now I’m not part of it anymore. I did quarrel with my parents, but in the end, I still chose them.
Hi Amisha.
It’s best that you distance yourself from your ex for a while. Say you should both try to detach and that he can reach out if he’s struggling. A few months or so should probably be enough to know if you’re over him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. I’m still praying for possible things.
Hi Amisha.
Kindly let me know how things turn out. 🙏
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi amisha. Can i talk to you personally? Im also from Philippines. I also have a boyfriend from other country.
HI
I have to breakup with my girlfriend because of religion. Hindu and Cristian. We both were friend for almost 2 years. Later we wanted to date but because of this issue we couldn’t date. After 6 months we decided we would date for 1 year and break up. Now its been almost 1 year 8 months of dating. After countless breakup dates being pushed now we have to move on with our lives. Is it possible if we distance ourselves for few months. And then be good friends.
Hi lalala.
Yes, you can be good friends, but you have to give each other some space. Give it at least a few months before you try to be friends otherwise, you could jump back into a relationship.
Best,
Zan