If your ex left you for someone else and now wants you back, it’s obvious that your ex’s relationship plans and expectations failed miserably. They failed because your ex only considered the emotional connection and the person’s positive traits when he or she decided to dump you and replace you.
Like many cheaters and monkey-branchers, your ex fell for the infatuation trap and thought the new person would make him or her happy forever.
Little did your ex know that the new person didn’t have that capability and wasn’t who your ex fell in love with. The person your ex fell for was the best/unrealistic version that only existed during the infatuation phase. It existed while the relationship was still new, interesting, and worry/stress-free.
When your ex left you for this person, your ex was still getting to know him or her and had no idea what the new person was going to be like once the love hormones waned.
All your ex knew was that the new person was interesting and fun and that he or she hadn’t felt so validated and empowered in ages.
It took some time for your ex to get to know the new person enough to realize that he or she wasn’t going to fulfill his or her most important needs. Your ex probably saw how his or her new partner behaved in difficult or stressful situations, got hurt and confused, and had an epiphany. Your ex finally learned that the new relationship couldn’t make him or her happy any longer and that he or she has made a huge mistake.
Your ex finally engaged in introspection and learned some valuable lessons. One of them was to value the person he or she likes and commits to and stop looking for the next best thing.
You have to understand that if the new person hadn’t disappointed or hurt your ex, your ex would still be with that person. Your ex would be making relationship plans, talking about marriage or kids, and telling him/herself the new person is different and better than you. Life would have been great and gone according to plan.
Since it wasn’t great and didn’t go according to plan, your ex now regrets breaking up with you and wants you back to feel safe and loved. Your ex considers you the first person in line to fall back on when another relationship fails.
Whether you take your ex back or not is entirely up to you. But do keep in mind that your ex cheated on you, left you, and forgot about you for a while.
Your ex didn’t care about your feelings while he or she was busy bonding with the new person, thinking he or she had made the best decision of his or her life. Your ex started realizing his or her mistakes and regretting the monkey-branching only when the new person fell short and hurt his or her ego, feelings, and expectations.
Think about that for a minute. Your ex started to care about you when his or her happiness and well-being were at stake and needed you to secure his or her safety. That was when your ex reached out and/or admitted to wanting you back.
Now that it’s clear your ex’s new relationship failed and that your ex wants you back, you need to think long and hard about taking your cheating ex back. Think not only about the cheating but also his or her monkey-branching and post-breakup behavior when your ex stopped seeing your romantic value.
If your ex treated you badly (ignored you, blocked you, or said mean things to you), put that into consideration as well. Don’t just dive back into a relationship with your ex and instantly forget everything your ex did to hurt you. I’m not saying you should be unforgiving and resentful, but do remember the things your ex selfishly or angrily said or did when you needed explanations, reassurance, and love the most.
Ask yourself if you can work with someone like that and if you even want to. Do your morals and beliefs permit you to reconcile with an ex who couldn’t care less about you when you were struggling with separation anxiety and low self-worth?
You may want your ex back specifically to get rid of these feelings, but that would be the wrong (highly emotional) decision. You need to think as rationally as you can and consider the odds of history repeating itself and getting hurt again.
Your ex mustn’t think that you’ll instantly forgive him or her and take him or her back. Your ex must understand how badly he or she messed up and that it will take a lot of effort and time on both ends for things to go back to normal. It could take weeks, months, or even years to fully accept the past and live with the consequences of his or her immoral and inconsiderate actions.
Every couple copes with infidelity and abandonment differently, but even if you’re happy your ex wants you back, you shouldn’t show too much eagerness to reconcile. If your ex sees that you’re willing to reconcile right away and that he or she validates you, your ex could think that he or she is the prize and that he or she needn’t work on him/herself and the relationship.
Your ex could take you for granted again and expect the relationship to fix itself.
If you want to get back together with your ex despite being betrayed and deserted, you should set some new strict but healthy boundaries. This includes no close friendships with the opposite/preferred gender or hiding conversations and other important matters from you. You should refuse to get back together unless your ex shows proof of growth and wants to make things right.
Anything other than complete transparency should be a red flag to you. It should tell you that your ex is incapable or unwilling to learn from his or her mistakes and that it’s safer for you not to get involved with your ex. If your ex is acting strange and you’re doubtful about your ex’s ability to evolve, you probably shouldn’t take your ex back.
You should keep your distance as your ex may use you as a temporary fallback before moving on to someone else.
In this post, we discuss why your ex left you for someone else and now wants you back. We also share some tips and help you decide what you should do.
Why does my ex want me back after leaving me for someone else?
If I had to use one word to describe your ex’s reasons for wanting you back after leaving you for someone else, it would be ‘failure.’ Your ex has failed to establish a healthy, strong, and meaningful life without you, so your ex came back to lean on you for recognition and self-love. Your ex considered you the best and quickest way to get rid of regrets and pain and gain the comfort and stability he or she needs to be happy.
Previously, the quickest way to be happy was to leave you for someone else. This time, it’s to get back together with you.
Both times, your ex wanted to be with a different person and rely on him or her for his or her problems, pain, and lack of happiness. Your ex could have abandoned his or her new unfulfilling relationship and looked for someone else to confide in and bond with, but your ex doesn’t want to. It wouldn’t make your ex happy because your ex still considers you a good person, a valuable partner, and a worthy investment.
Your ex thinks that you can make him or her happy by providing validation, support, and various relationship benefits. As long as your ex thinks he or she has more to gain than to lose, your ex will consider you a good romantic option. Your ex could cheat again, of course, but for now, you’re the best person your ex can be with.
You’re probably the only (backup) option, so your ex wants to get back with you and feel fulfilled.
Your ex doesn’t despise you. He or she has let go of most negative perceptions of you and is ready to start another serious relationship with you. That would make it the third relationship in a short span of time.
His or her emotional decisions and lack of determination and loyalty indicate that relationships are a matter of convenience and safety for your ex and that a lack of a secure relationship scares your ex and threatens his or her happiness and well-being. Your ex may also have fears of being alone and constantly needs someone by his or her side.
Having someone to connect with reassures your ex he or she is attractive and gives your ex a feeling of safety and purpose.
Simply put, the reason your ex wants you back after he or she left you for someone else is unhappiness. Your ex hopes that you’ll give him or her another chance and once again let him or her be in a committed relationship. A committed relationship that makes your ex feel desired, needed, and safe.
Your ex wouldn’t want to be with you if you didn’t make his or her life much better and easier. Your ex would give up on you and focus on himself or herself instead. Anyone and anything would make your ex happier than a person he or she devalued in his or her eyes, cheated on, and left behind.
The fact that your ex wants you back shows your ex isn’t happy with the circumstances and direction of his or her life. Not only is your ex not happy, but your ex needs you to not be happy. This means your ex lacks the tools and willpower to deal with his or her issues and regrets without you.
You can help your ex, but only if you think your ex deserves another chance and wants to invest in the relationship. If your ex just wants you back to not be alone and find his or her next victim, you’ll get abandoned and hurt again. You’ll beat yourself up for letting your ex hurt you twice.
So make sure to learn why your ex wants you back after leaving you for someone else. Your hurt self-esteem may tell you that your ex has realized your worth, but your ex may actually just feel hurt and want someone to ease his or her suffering.
If you take your ex back, you’ll essentially be helping your ex deal with pain, unhappiness, regrets, and other intrusive thoughts and unwanted emotions. You’ll both rely on each other for the unhappiness the separation has caused.
I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that. Not unless the relationship is your only source of happiness. In that case, you should work on your self-esteem and not get back with your ex until you’ve fixed your codependence issues.
It’s normal to want your ex back (even if your ex cheated and left you for someone else). But at least rationally, you should understand that your ex is a cheater who needs to work extremely hard on rebuilding broken trust. Your ex must communicate patiently, express emotions properly, and prove over time that he or she values you and won’t take you for granted and dump you for someone else again.
Your ex’s behavior is important as it demonstrates his or her levels of regret, respect, and adoration.
Having said that, here are 6 reasons why your ex wants you back after leaving you for someone else.
Should I take my ex back?
If you’re considering taking your ex back after he or she cheated and left you for someone he or she knew almost nothing about, try to avoid making hasty decisions and figure out whether your ex wants a relationship with you permanently or temporarily (only to get rid of his problems).
Does your ex feel regretful only because your ex couldn’t make the cheating relationship work or does your ex also feel bad for you and want you to be happy and healthy?
That’s something you’ll have to figure out with your ex’s help. You’ll have to ask your ask plenty of questions and analyze your ex’s responses.
Some of the things you’ll have to ask your ex are:
- Why did you change your mind about the relationship?
- What was the reason your relationship failed?
- What did you realize during the time apart?
- What would you do differently this time?
- How do you plan on fixing the trust and respect you destroyed?
- Are you willing to get therapy?
- Will you let me see your phone when I want to?
You’ll have to see if your ex’s views and behavior improved, if your ex understands the damage he or she has caused, if your ex wants to make you feel valued and respected, and if your ex is prepared for a serious relationship.
If your ex doesn’t care about the relationship and only wants to help him/herself, your ex will either say the wrong things or soon stop pretending to be a better version of him/herself and reveal his or her true personality. Your ex won’t treat you any better than before because your ex won’t care about you.
A serious ex will do anything you ask of him or her. As long as your ex feels accepted and loved, your ex will be thrilled to fulfill your requests and make you happy. Your happiness will be a priority for your ex because it will increase your willingness to stay committed and his or her chances of staying in a relationship.
So first things first, figure out if your ex has changed and is ready to do what you want. Your ex’s willingness to please you and follow your lead will demonstrate if your ex truly regrets leaving and considers you equal or superior. As long as your ex doesn’t think you’re inferior and unworthy of investment, your ex can develop strong feelings and commitment to the relationship.
Ultimately, the decision to get back with your ex rests on your shoulders. You get to decide if you still love your ex, respect your ex, and think he or she will not cheat and leave again. No one can tell you what to do. But do judge your ex by your actions. So far, your ex has cheated and left you for someone else. Your ex hasn’t proved his or her change in thinking and behavior.
Your ex may be able to do that if you take your ex back on a trial period and let your ex prove his or her worth and commitment to you. It will be a gamble as your ex could still hide things from you and tell you what you want to hear.
If you decide cheating is a dealbreaker for you and not to get back with your ex, it’s okay. You’ll get over the cheating and eventually meet someone better who doesn’t have to date another person to regret losing you.
But for now, ask yourself:
- Can I forgive my ex and forget the pain cheating and abandonment have caused me?
- Am I okay with committing to someone who cheated on me and monkey-branched to someone else?
- Do I believe in second chances?
- Am I willing to work on ruined trust?
- Do I love my ex or am I just hurt by what he/she has done?
Cheating takes time to overcome. Both of you must be prepared to work on it otherwise, you’ll lose your patience, experience power struggles, and break up.
If you’re going to take your ex back, make sure you do it for the right reasons. Do it not to feel better about yourself but to have a relationship you want and deserve to have. If you think your ex has learned his or her lessons and is willing to do what it takes to earn your trust back, perhaps your ex is the right person for you.
Maybe your ex has learned to value you and relationships in general and won’t make the same mistake again. No one can offer you that guarantee, but then again, no one can say that your next partner won’t cheat and branch to someone else either.
Life is unpredictable; anything could happen. You have to make a rational decision best for your long-term safety and happiness. I encourage you to talk to other people for opinions, remember what your ex did, weigh the pros and cons, and do what you think (not feel) is right. Whatever you decide, stick with it. Don’t change your mind a few days later.
Personally, I’d be very careful about a cheater monkey-brancher. I’d try to set my feelings and pain aside and listen to her reasoning but still say no in the end. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who cast me aside and selfishly and happily pursued a relationship with someone else.
My ideal partner doesn’t cheat and monkey-branch.
She values the relationship while the relationship is in its pristine condition. That’s just my boundary and opinion on this topic. You have different boundaries and can take your ex back as long as you’re aware of the dangers of getting back with a cheating ex and are willing to put the work in.
Did your ex leave you for someone else and wants you back? How did your ex leave and how long was he or she gone? Post your breakup story in the comments below. We’ll respond shortly.
And if you want our help with a cheating/monkey-branching ex—whether it’s closure or ex-back advice, get in touch with us directly. We offer services for dumpees as well as dumpers.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
