He Treated Me Badly, Now He Wants Me Back

If your ex treated you badly and now wants you back, it’s because a lot has happened since the breakup. A lot went wrong on your ex’s end that made him look at the relationship from a different perspective.

It’s highly likely that he got depressed, rejected, scared, or nostalgic and felt that the only way to be happy was to reconnect with you. The reason why he chose you is that you always supported him in his time of need. You stuck with him through thick and thin and remained loyal until the very end.

The only time you gave up on him was when he got the grass is greener syndrome because that’s when you had no choice but to leave. You were told that you weren’t good enough and that you must leave him to his own devices.

And that’s what you did. You minded your own business and let him do what he wanted. You let him encounter issues and figure out on his own that you weren’t the main cause of his problems. You probably made things a bit difficult sometimes, sure, but you weren’t the biggest problem in his life.

He had other issues he didn’t know he had until he distanced himself from you and spent some time without you. And unfortunately for him, these issues came back to punish him for his poor judgment and misdeeds.

As a dumpee, you must know that if the guy didn’t get hit by karma that he most likely wouldn’t have come back. He would remain in a position of power and keep treating you badly. But because something bad happened, he stopped thinking poorly of you and feeling smothered by you and realized that you’ve always been a good dating option for him.

He just couldn’t see that before because he was taking you for granted and blamed you for his own thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Now that he wants you back, though, that’s changed. He sees you as someone he can use to patch his wounds and ease his misery. Basically, you can help him accept his flaws and weaknesses and make him feel better about the issues he encountered while he was away from you, doing who knows what.

So if you’re wondering why he wants you back after treating you poorly, it’s because he underwent something painful. Something showed him that he’s not as good and desirable as he thought he was and that you are good enough for him.

In this post, we’ll go into detail about why he treated you badly and now wants you back—and what you can do about it.

Why did my ex treat me badly during the relationship?

If your ex was always mean to you and not just after the breakup, your ex was badly underdeveloped. He was acting on his emotions and blamed you for the way he felt because he didn’t know how to control himself. He just knew that he needed to make use of his anger and discontent and make you responsible for his lack of care, patience, and understanding.

This is how he gained control over you and made you his stress absorbant.

Your ex just didn’t know how to handle difficult emotions because he never took the time to understand them. Instead of learning more about them and managing them, he instantly responded to them and made them a part of his everyday life.

Every time he experienced them, he essentially pushed them deeper into his subconsciousness and made a life ruled by emotions seem normal.

The truth though is that there’s nothing normal about impulsivity.

Guys who ignore the importance of self-discovery live a very hectic life. They tend to mingle with other like-minded people, react to stressors, and more often than not, seek women they can overpower.

This is because such women excuse their behavior, validate them, and enable them to keep reacting to emotions.

So if you were with a guy who was mean to you all the time, know the guy came back because of his own behavior. He had trouble finding someone who would tolerate his abuse, so he came back because you were his best and only option.

He learned that most people won’t put up with him, so he had no choice but to return to you.

Now, whether he’s learned his lessons (gained control over his behavior) is questionable. It’s much more likely that he’s come back because he feels invalidated and needs you to empower him and make him feel better.

A guy who treated you badly during the relationship now wants you back because he:

• badly craves control (his ego got hurt)
• failed to date/be successful with other women
• thought he could be happier without you
• realized that he has issues he needs to work on

The guy came back because you’ve got something other women don’t. And that something is a lot of patience and the willingness to give up control.

Why did my ex treat me so badly after the relationship?

Many dumpees are surprised by their ex’s post-breakup behavior. They’ve never seen their ex behave so poorly before, so they wonder why their ex would treat them like strangers or even as enemies.

They can’t figure it out, so they take their ex’s behavior personally, get hurt, and blame themselves more than ever before.

Such dumpees don’t know that their ex has always been capable of behaving that way. Their ex just never had a reason to show them his darkest colors because he loved them. He had feelings for them and plans for the future and would never react with anger and disinterest.

Not as long as he’s committed to the relationship.

When he’s no longer committed, however, the rules of relationship conduct no longer apply. All that applies are the emotions he feels and the self-control, maturity, and moral values he’d developed prior to the breakup.

This means that if your ex hasn’t developed himself much, you’re not going to see the kind, caring, and patient person your ex was during the relationship. On the contrary, you’re going to see the smothered, impatient, uncaring, and loveless side to your ex and wonder how you never knew your ex was capable of treating you so badly.

Below is a picture showing why your ex treated you so badly after the breakup.

Some dumpers ignore their ex, block their ex, or even threaten their ex. But ultimately, their bitter post-breakup behavior is inexcusable. Every person has a moral responsibility to treat others fairly and kindly. And so does your ex.

He just didn’t care about that. He probably thought that you deserved it.

Should I get back with someone who treated me badly?

If your ex treated you like you were nothing and it’s only been a few months since the breakup, you probably shouldn’t get back with your ex right away. It doesn’t matter if your ex was kind to you during the relationship and only lost his cool after the breakup.

The fact that he broke up with you means that he’s lost respect for you and that he must first figure out why he allowed that to happen. He must self-reflect and grow within because his poor impulse control isn’t even the main problem.

The main problem is that your ex has lost feelings for you (at least for a moment) and that he has to develop commitment and willpower before he should even consider getting back with you.

Your ex must fix his reasons for leaving and then fix the things he needs to stay committed to you (his perceptions of you).

If you get back with your ex before he’s done that (the moment he gets hurt and comes back to you), chances are that you’ll take his pain away and prevent him from making the necessary self-improvements and make it too easy for him.

So before you accept your ex back, examine your ex for personal improvements. See if he’s any different than he was when he left you and discern if his words and promises signify a change.

When he comes back, your ex may appear sad and regretful, but don’t think that pain is all it takes for someone who treated you badly to improve. Yes, pain can be a great incentive for personal improvement, but it’s not proof that he has already improved or started working on himself.

All it indicates is that he’s hurting and that he wants you back to reduce his anxiety.

For a guy who treated you badly to evolve, he needs to become aware of his behavior, discern his behavior was wrong, swear to himself to never again behave the way he did back then, start working on his flaws, and stick with personal development plans until he’s improved.

He basically needs to commit to growing as a person for weeks or months and not just run back to you the moment life gives him lemons. Real change doesn’t happen overnight. It takes months of pain and discontent for it to take effect.

That’s why a guy who comes back right away hasn’t learned anything yet. He’s barely had enough time to get himself into trouble and get a taste of reality.

So if you’re afraid of getting taken for granted again and you’re not sure whether you should give an ex who treated you badly another chance, I suggest that you analyze his behavior and take him back on a trial period. Say that you’ll take him back but that you’ll be monitoring his every move for the next few weeks.

This will relieve his anxiety, but it will also keep him on his toes as he’ll know that any display of his old behavior could result in separation.

You have to understand that if your ex wants you back, he’ll be very anxious about reconciliation. He’ll feel inspired to do everything in his power to be with you and won’t just give up on you when you state your terms and conditions.

If he really wants you back, it will be much easier for him to improve himself than to stay away from you and be all alone. Anxiety will hurt make it too hard on him.

How long should I wait before I take my ex back?

If you decide to take your ex back on a trial period, give him at least two weeks of time to prove what he’s made of. Two weeks should be enough to see if he’s committed to growing and treating you fairly.

If you notice that he is and that he’s improving, encourage him to keep growing. Say that you’re proud of his growth and tell him that there might be hope for reconciliation after all. You need to be supportive of your ex, yet firm at the same time.

But if you notice that the guy is back to his old ways, then your only option is to pick a date, time, and location to break up with him. You need to separate yourself from your ex so you can get over him once and for all and eventually find someone who won’t treat you badly.

So now, you have an important decision to make. You have to decide if your ex has improved and is capable of improving or if he’s incapable of evolving and can’t be trusted. Do that by observing his behavior (especially the things he previously wasn’t good at).

Ask him lots of questions, such as “Why did you come back and what’s going to be different this time” and watch how he responds. His attitude will tell you how serious he is about you and how willing he is to put you in charge and grow with you.

Did your ex treat you badly and now wants you back? Let me know if you’re thinking of getting back with him by posting a comment below the article.

Or if you need help making a decision, go to our coaching page and we’ll do our best to assist you.