If you’ve been broken up with recently, it’s normal to be constantly reminded of your ex. You’re missing her next to you and crave the happy hormones she helped release into your brain every time you bonded. Now that you no longer bond and feel good, her absence has both a psychological and biological effect on you as it increases the production of cortisol and makes you obsessed with her.
Everything you do and everywhere you look, you see her face and wish to get close to her to feel secure, validated, and loved. This is a sign that you’re still recovering from heartbreak and need to keep pressing on. You need to keep your brain as busy as possible to reduce the number of obsessive thoughts running through your head and of course, the likelihood of acting on them.
It will take time to stop being reminded of the person you love, but time isn’t the only factor. To stop being reminded of her so frequently, you’ll have to detach and find purpose outside of the relationship with her. You’ll have to find a way to prioritize your life and love yourself more than her.
This won’t be easy to achieve due to immense separation anxiety, denial, shock, (false) hope, destroyed self-esteem, and putting her on a pedestal. Despite your best efforts, you’ll continue to see her as a flawless being you need in your life to be happy. It won’t be until later that you make enough emotional progress to take your rose-tinted glasses off and see her for the person she truly is.
Don’t let that deter you from working on detachment and letting go. Breakups are not meant to be easy. They’re personal rejections that wound us deeply and test our strength, self-love, independence, perseverance, and ability to let go of control. If we lack any of these essential traits, we tend to suffer greatly when the breakup hits.
That’s why it’s super important to be complete as individuals before we get in a romantic relationship. A relationship is supposed to be an addition to our life, not a means to ignore shortcomings and avoid personal problems. When we use it to help ourselves deal with situations we lack the tools to deal with and that have nothing to do with the relationship, we become reliant on our partner for them.
And when we’re reliant (financially, emotionally, physically…) we’re in trouble as our happiness depends on our partner.
Just like in gambling, we shouldn’t go all in and hope for the best. We should bet only what we can afford to lose. That way, a breakup won’t affect us to the point of wanting to give up.
Anyway, you’re expected to be reminded of your ex multiple times a day. You may not have needed your ex to survive, but you were in love and had certain visions and romantic expectations of your ex. One of them was to stay in a relationship and unconditionally receive your ex’s love. You didn’t think about breaking up and starting from scratch with someone else.
You loved your ex (and still do), so you can’t just erase your ex from your memory. Like most dumpees, you’ll need to slowly process the breakup and forget about your ex. Of course, you’ll never completely forget your ex because you spent a decent amount of time with her and got your heart shredded to pieces, but you will think about her less frequently.
How often you think about her depends mainly on the trauma she caused, your coping mechanisms, how busy you are, and the mistakes you make. If you try to hold on to her by befriending her, you’ll get a lot of hope from it and stay anxious. Anxiety will then convince you that she must be important to you and that you need to impress her and try to be with her.
It’s important not to seek approval from the girl or woman who dumped you. You can crave it, but you shouldn’t act on it and actively seek it. By keeping some space from her, you can gradually regain your rationality, improve your self-esteem, and see that chasing a woman is never a good idea.
A person who sees your worth won’t need, nor want you to chase and embarrass yourself. She’ll see you as an equal and want to have a long-lasting relationship with you.
A relationship will give her joy and purpose as it will bring her closer to reaching her goals.
So if everything reminds you of your ex, remember that you’re recovering from the breakup and that you shouldn’t do things that delay your recovery. Don’t beg and plead, contact her friends, settle for friendship, or try to sleep with her. These things will make you look obsessed and desperate, delay your healing and growth, and put her off.
It’s better for you (and her) that you go no contact and learn to rely on yourself for dealing with problems and pain. Look for ways to distract yourself and devalue her in your eyes. If you can do that, you won’t just feel better but also look more attractive when she experiences problems herself and/or decides to check up on you.
Consider the breakup a chance to make some personal changes and regain your rationality. There’s no better way to evolve as a person than now that you’re struggling with anxiety/depression and thinking about your ex 24/7. This is because pain is a great motivator. It knocks down your ego and tells you that you need to do something to avoid hurting now and in the future.
You should take this seriously. Invest in yourself today and you’ll face less pain in the future, whether from another breakup or life’s challenges. And remember, your ex can’t help you. She can only make things worse by letting you reach out or reaching out herself and giving you hope.
The fact that everything reminds you of her is a sign that you’re still deeply connected and processing the separation. Rationally, you may understand that you need to move on, but emotionally, you can’t do it. It’s as if something is holding you back from disconnecting from your ex and getting your happy self back.
Something indeed is. It’s called attachment and hope. Deep inside, you want your ex to return and validate you. Rest assured that your feelings are normal and expectations reasonable. The majority of dumpees think about their ex every waking moment for a few weeks after the breakup. They think about their ex at work, during class, while they’re socializing, and even when they sleep.
They can’t get their ex out of their head no matter how badly they want to.
One thing they can do, however, is leave their ex alone and focus on their flaws. If they focus on things to improve, they can grow within and disassociate themselves from their old selves. In simple terms, they can avoid blaming themselves for their mistakes and thinking poorly of themselves.
In this post, we talk about the reasons why everything reminds you of your ex. We also share some tips on how to stop thinking about your ex.
Why does everything remind me of my ex?
Simply put, everything reminds you of your ex because you saw a future with your ex and got attached. You developed feelings and expectations and thought your ex loved you as much as you loved her. Things turned dark when the breakup happened and proved that your ex had different plans and lacked feelings.
That was when your world came crashing down and triggered pain like never before.
Because you suffered an immense shock, followed by a wave of anger and/or depression, you instantly became dependent on your ex for healing. You transformed your ex into the most powerful being on the planet and developed an obsession. Everything now reminds you of your ex and makes you crave her acceptance and recognition.
This is quite normal, considering everything you went through because of your ex. Your body and mind need to adjust to life without your ex. The same way you became attached over time, you’ll need to gradually detach. You’ll need to convince yourself that you don’t need your ex to survive and be happy and that you’re worthy of love.
I couldn’t tell you how long that will take because it varies for each person, but most attached dumpees need at least half a year to get their ex out of their system. Usually, it takes them closer to a year, with 8 months being the average. That, of course, depends on what they do to get through the breakup. If they drink and date to numb their unreciprocated feelings, they fail miserably and delay their healing.
Unhealthy distractions avoid dealing with pain and force them to face their problems later.
However, if they engage in productive hobbies and activities, they typically recover faster. They stop obsessing about their ex much quicker than those who idle or make breakup mistakes.
If you’re still communicating with your ex, random things may remind you of your ex because you’re constantly reminding yourself of what you lost. You’re reliving trauma, stress, pain, hope, and other negative emotions, which essentially force you to stay close to your ex and feel needed by her. As long as you need her, you shouldn’t be talking to your ex.
You should be keeping your distance and focusing on yourself and others.
The less you talk to your ex and learn about her new life, the fewer emotional setbacks you will encounter. Emotional setbacks are moments when you relapse emotionally and feel the most vulnerable.
At the moment, your brain is wired in such a way that it reminds you of your ex. This includes hobbies, routines, and everyday things such as texting, shopping, dining out, vacationing, and planning your future together. It hurts like hell to suddenly lose all these things at once as you went from investing in your ex and feeling hopeful about the future to feeling rejected and unattractive.
You have strong feelings for your ex but your ex doesn’t feel the need to reciprocate them.
On top of losing relationship benefits, you also worry about losing your ex forever and to someone else. You fear that your ex will meet someone else, connect with him, and forget about you. This puts your brain into overdrive and makes you afraid for your future and safety.
As a dumpee, you feel a strong desire to do something to prevent your ex from distancing herself further from you. We call this the illusion of action – the desire to take back lost control by force. It’s something most dumpees experience very frequently.
Whatever you do, don’t cave into anxiety and fear. Remember that you’ll make things worse if you reach out and try to talk your way back into the relationship. Not only will you push your ex further away, but you’ll also feel unwanted and more obsessed with your ex. Your actions will cause you anxiety and push back your recovery.
You also remember mainly the good parts of the relationship and ignore the bad ones. You give the good ones more importance because you’re in pain and willing to forget all the bad things that transpired. Once you’ve recovered, this won’t be the case as you’ll once again see your ex’s imperfections and love yourself more.
Having said that, here’s why everything reminds you of your ex.
Things that will decrease the number of reminders of your ex
It will be hard not to think about your ex even if you do everything right. Sounds, items, places, words, tastes, and smells will continue to remind you of your ex and force you to obsess about her. They will tempt you to throw away your dignity and pride and try to reel her back in.
Despite feeling a strong urge to reach out and reattract your ex, do your best to resist it. Remember that your ex isn’t in the mood to rationalize and see things from your perspective. Your ex is highly emotional and determined to move on and feel fulfilled. She’d rather be left alone and focus on herself than bond with an ex.
So adhere to the rules of no contact and give your ex space to do what she wants. Space will let her feel respected as a person and allow her to process her negative post-breakup emotions. Once she’s processed them, she may reach out or perhaps even want you back romantically if she fails to find what she’s looking for.
To decrease the number of reminders of your ex, get as busy as possible. Hang out with friends, make new friends, focus on your interests, take up new hobbies, travel the world, learn new languages and skills, and improve your flaws. All these things will distract you and show you that you can live a good life without your ex.
When it’s not possible to distract yourself, focus on things that ease your anxiety and obsession. This can be journaling, therapy, or confiding in family and friends. When you need to get things off your chest, it’s best to do just that as distractions won’t make you feel better. Distractions are great for when you have your emotions under control.
If you want to stop being reminded of your ex, you must also throw/lock away things that remind you of your ex. This includes things like photos, gifts, love letters, and jewelry. Anything that makes you think about the good times and triggers nostalgia should be kept out of sight.
That way, you’ll focus on moving forward rather than obsessing over the past.
Give it time. Reminders of your ex will wane as long as you avoid things that remind you of your ex, leave your ex alone, focus on yourself, and allow yourself to grieve. When you’ve stopped feeling hurt and holding on to hope, you’ll realize that you don’t think about your ex that much anymore and that it doesn’t bother you when you do.
That will be a sign that you’ve healed and found purpose outside of the relationship with your ex.
Why do you think everything reminds you of your ex? What are some of the things that trigger these reminders? Post them in the comments below.
However, if you’re looking for personalized advice and need our help with your breakup, consider subscribing to coaching. We’ll analyze the situation and look for answers and solutions together.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
It remained me of him everything then saw that I saw I need to heal and found your forum in the best timing!
Thank you Zan