Does Getting Back With An Ex Ever Work?

Getting back with an ex does work. It works when the dumpee and the dumper take the breakup seriously and do the work required for being in a serious romantic relationship. When the dumpee and the dumper both acknowledge their shortcomings, understand each other’s romantic values, and rebuild love and respect, their relationship can start anew.

They can shift their focus from the past to the present and wipe the slate clean.

In relationships, letting go of old/unhealthy perceptions is extremely difficult as couples typically lack the drive to disassociate negativity from each other. They can forgive or try to forgive each other, but they typically can’t completely let go of months or years of resentment.

When they associate negativity with each other, it’s too late for many couples as certain reminders and behaviors trigger their unhealthy behavioral patterns and cause them to fight and feel miserable. Sure, couples counseling and individual therapy can be helpful, but let’s be honest.

How many couples actually get therapy or take therapy seriously? From my observations, not a lot. Most couples just sit on their problems and get surprised when their problems snowball into resentment.

At that point, it’s often too late even for therapy to save their relationship as they lack the patience, perseverance, and ability to work through deep-rooted resentment.

After the breakup, though, this might change. Couples or rather ex-couples get emotional distance from each other and finally get a chance to do something about their flaws and behaviors. They can see how they added fuel to the fire and can promise themselves (not each other) not to behave negatively again.

Their dedication and promise to outgrow their troublesome selves can make them into better romantic partners.

But to grow into better people, they must be willing to put the work in. Dumpees typically do that by analyzing the breakup, reading self-help books, journaling, and going to therapy. They feel anxious and desperate to get back together with their ex, so they feel they don’t have a choice but to grow.

If they don’t grow, their ex would not come back or would leave again.

Dumpers, on the other hand, don’t grow much or at all. While dumpees are suffering from separation anxiety and dealing with inner demons, dumpers are distracting themselves and having a good time. They’re ignoring problems and blaming their ex for the relationship’s failure.

This significantly delays their self-growth.

Dumpers typically grow only when things go awry for them. When their post-breakup plans fail and hurt them, they become regretful and eager to work on themselves. That’s when they also want their ex back.

If their ex makes it too easy for them to return, they may not do all the work they need to do. They may instead skip the self-improvement phase and make the relationship difficult for the dumpee who is significantly more developed than them.

That’s why dumpees must take control of the new relationship and guide the dumper. By “guide,” I mean that they must tell the dumper their expectations and what will happen if they don’t notice any changes and improvements.

So is there any point in getting back together? Does getting back with an ex ever work?

Getting back with an ex can work, but it’s conditional. When ex-couples drop their egos and pride and make some serious internal changes, they can mature and handle their relationship better.

On the other hand, reconciliations don’t work, when ex-couples reconcile too quickly (within a couple of weeks), stay bitter, blame each other, and expect the relationship to be different for no reason. Such reconciliations are a waste of time because exes are bound to break up again.

When they get through the quick infatuation phase, they once again experience the same issues and feel the way they felt before they broke up. In other words, they realize nothing’s changed and that they’ll be unhappy with each other no matter how many times they get back together.

For a reconciliation to work, exes must understand what’s at stake. Not only must they rationally understand it, but they must also (emotionally) fear the consequences of breaking up. Dumpees tend to understand the consequences (pain) very well as they went through tons of it.

Dumpers, however, didn’t.

They need to be told or shown that failure to comply and improve will lead to romantic failure, unimaginable anxiety, and inconvenience. Those who understand the importance of their relationship have a fair shot at making it work.

They value their partner, listen to him or her, and do what’s best for the relationship (not just them). As for those who reconcile out of boredom, loneliness, or something that doesn’t force or inspire them to grow, they tend to stay undeveloped compared to their ex and watch the relationship fail.

In today’s post, we shed some light on whether getting back with an ex ever works. We discuss when it’s the most likely to work and what the chances of a damaged relationship to work are.

Does getting back with an ex ever work

Getting back with an ex isn’t a matter of compatibility. It’s a matter of regret, self-improvement, determination, and commitment. If ex-couples can forgive themselves for the damage they’ve caused during and after the relationship, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be able to start a new/healthier relationship with their ex.

People may be wired in certain ways, but if they can rewire their bad thinking and behavioral patterns, they’re set to go. They can have a much better relationship with an ex than the one they had before.

I’ve seen this happen many times. Just keep in mind that the couples who made it work permanently (not just for a few months) did an insane amount of work on themselves. They improved their perceptions of each other, communication, self-control, and ability to handle stressors, and took their relationship seriously.

They didn’t have any backup options in case their relationship failed. They considered their relationship their one and only option and as a result, gave it their all. Such couples knew that if their relationship were to fail, they’d be heartbroken (anxious, unhappy, depressed, and disoriented) and that they would need a long time to recover.

They’d need to go through the 5 dumpee stages and find purpose in life outside of their relationship.

So if you’re wondering if getting back with an ex ever works, know that it depends on the couple. If the couple is unwilling or incapable of growing, they’ll have a hard time making their relationship work because stressful situations will trigger their unhealthy behaviors.

However, if the couple understands where they went wrong and take the time to grow (I’m talking about months of time apart and self-work), they could grow into responsible, non-reactive individuals, capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

When a couple is emotionally compatible but doesn’t get along, that’s not incompatibility. It’s immaturity – a lack of self-understanding and understanding of the opposite gender (or the other person for same-sex couples). Some couples also have cultural differences that they refuse to understand due to closed-mindedness.

Every couple has different problems, but ultimately, resolving problems requires self-awareness, calmness, and problem-solving skills. Those who have them can fix any problem, including lying and cheating.

They just need to want to fix them, which is usually the thing they’re missing.

Therefore, a desire to fix problems is often one of the biggest reasons relationships and relationships after breakups fail. Couples and ex-couples are tired of dealing with the same problems and working on them, and expect them to go away on their own.

This makes them extremely sensitive to disagreements and likely to break up.

Before you reconcile with your ex, make sure you’re an improved person (if you’re a dumpee) or that the thought of your ex doesn’t anger you or make you uncomfortable (if you’re a dumper).

The relationship mustn’t continue from where it previously ended. It must start on healthy terms from a new beginning. That way, you can focus on love and the issues at hand rather than the matters from the past you had weeks, months, or years to fix.

Fixing a broken relationship takes time and commitment. You must be prepared to give it your all if you’re planning on getting back with your ex. If you get back with your ex, thinking the relationship will fix itself just because you miss your ex, you’ll be disappointed.

You’ll discover that the relationship isn’t any different than it was the last time. This will make you feel foolish for wasting your energy and time.

So bear in mind that getting back together with an ex is a bit of a gamble. You may have done a lot of self-improving, but you can’t be certain your ex has done the same. The only way to find out is to talk to your ex and see if he or she has become a responsible adult and wants you back for the right reasons.

If you left your ex and think your ex has to do all the work, you may as well give up on getting back together right now. Your ex will never reach your high expectations because the moment your ex does something wrong, you’ll once again get upset, extort power from your ex, and feel inclined to leave.

Conversely, if your ex left you, then make sure your ex has learned to value you and respect you. Your ex needs to appreciate you and express gratitude otherwise the relationship will fizzle out.

All in all, your relationship mentalities are extremely important. How you think of each other and the problems you encounter will determine whether your relationship becomes stronger or succumbs to the same problems.

Having said that, here’s when getting back with an ex works.

Simply put, getting back with an ex works when people truly want it to work. And they truly want it to work when they’re prepared to put days and days of work into their relationship and be the people they need to be.

Relationships have ups and downs. Those who expect not to argue or those who argue poorly shouldn’t get back into a relationship. They should be learning more about relationships and developing the skills to maintain them.

That’s how they can grow and make any relationship work, not just the relationship with their ex.

How often does getting back with an ex work?

Sadly, most people (dumpees) don’t get an opportunity to reconnect with their ex. They don’t get one because their ex doesn’t engage in introspection and self-reflection, realize, their ex’s worth, and develop the desire to fall back in love.

Dumpers tend to find alternative sources of happiness. They meet new people, hang out with friends, participate in various activities, and do whatever feels right to them.

They do this because they hold their ex responsible for the demise of the relationship and want nothing to do with their ex.

The only time dumpers come back is when they fail to be happy on their own or with someone else. That’s when they come back and apologize for making a dumb decision to leave.

This probably happens to 10% (or less) of all dumpees. The other 90% never get back with their ex. They may communicate with their ex or even befriend their ex, but they don’t reconnect on an intimate level.

Intimacy requires romantic thoughts and cravings. Without them, exes don’t feel a reason to get back together. They feel that they’ve made the right decision to leave and that they should stay away from their ex and protect themselves.

So know that getting back with an ex doesn’t work as often as the optimistic surveys on the internet say. Some people claim exes reconcile 90% of the time, but those people want you to be hopeful. They prey on people who look for hope and make money off them.

If you don’t want to be a victim of their ex-back programs, I suggest you do some research on how many dumpers actually come back. Ask your friends and therapists. You’ll learn that when a breakup happens (not a fakeup), the dumper is done for good and needs to suffer immensely to change his or her mind about the breakup.

Something extremely painful must make the dumper realize that he or she is unhappy and/or not capable of being happy without the dumpee. That’s when the dumper could become regretful, nostalgic, and eager to invest in himself and the relationship.

I wish I could say that the majority of exes reconcile, but that would be a blatant lie. Those who get back after a day or two don’t technically break up. They have an argument or a moment of disconnection and soon realize they still have romantic feelings.

After breaking up multiple times, though, they eventually break up for good as they realize that their relationship is unhealthy and that there’s no point in going back and forth.

Every breakup or fakeup significantly impacts commitment and reduces the chances of their relationship working out.

So if you want to know how often getting back with an ex works, it probably works 10% of the time. Out of the 10%, 20 – 30% of dumpers leave again or get broken up with within a few weeks. So all in all, only about 7 – 8% of all dumpees actually have the kind of relationship they want and deserve.

As you can tell, that’s not a lot.

Sure, unhealthy, immature, and codependent relationships that shouldn’t have happened in the first place significantly reduce the percentage of couples being happy after reconciliation, but that’s the average number. If you exclude such relationships, the number of developed exes reconciling and being happy is slightly higher.

My guess is anywhere between 10 and 12%.

Anyway, getting back with an ex seldom works for four main reasons.

1. Because exes don’t grow enough.
2. Because exes don’t disassociate negativity from each other’s personas.
3. Because exes don’t discover each other’s worth.
4. And because exes don’t treat their new relationship any differently.

People don’t change easily. It’s been proven many times that the older we get, the more comfortable we get with who we are, and the harder it becomes to change. This explains why we have difficulty making healthy changes and having successful relationships.

Not everyone is like that, of course. I’ve seen plenty of older men and women change after the breakup. But keep in mind that those people had good reasons to change. They had pain, anxiety, and a desire to get back together.

A typical dumper doesn’t have these feelings. The dumper develops them later when the world comes crashing down on him or her.

So if you’re struggling with the breakup and clinging to hope to feel somewhat in control of your emotions, know that it’s okay to have a little bit of hope. Hope helps you cope with the post-breakup blues.

It doesn’t, however, help you let go of your ex. To let go, you should remember that the chances of your ex coming back and being the partner you want him or her to be are slim and that until your ex gives you something concrete to work with, you need to focus on moving on.

What do you think? Does getting back with an ex ever work? When do you think it works and when it doesn’t? I invite you to share your views in the comments below.

And lastly, if you’d like to to talk us about getting back together with your ex, click here to subscribe to 1-on-1 coaching with us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.