Updated on July 12, 2025
If you’re a dumpee and you’re breaking up because of distance, you’re most likely still in love with your ex. You crave your ex’s closeness and validation, and wish to get back with your ex as soon as possible. Physical distance doesn’t make it any easier for you to let go of your ex and move on. In fact, it likely makes it even harder because it tempts you to act on your pain and do whatever it takes to cut the distance.
Some dumpees get into a car or plane and visit their ex to reason with him or her, while others send love letters, paragraphs of texts, and thoughtful gifts. None of those dumpees surprise their ex (in a good way) and get another chance. Instead of showing their ex the relationship is worth fighting for, they show they can’t live without their ex and that they need their ex to love themselves. As you can imagine, this puts immense pressure on their ex and reduces their ex’s respect and attraction toward them.
Long-distance breakups or breakups because of distance are hard. They’re rejections that cause a denial of love and the benefits of the relationship. They get even harder when the dumper cheats, monkey-branches, and refuses to give closure or support. Such breakups often drive dumpees insane as they destroy their self-esteem and make them think they aren’t worthy of their ex’s love and recognition.
Many times, dumpers merely pretend to break up because of distance. In reality, distance made them connect with someone else and allowed them to use the distance as an excuse to leave a perfectly good relationship. After getting a taste of validation from another person, they claim that distance isn’t working for them anymore and that they must break up and be free. Of course, they only want to be free because they’re ready to date someone closer to them who can fulfill all their emotional and sexual needs.
I’m not saying you’re breaking up because your ex has eyes on someone else, but do consider the possibility that your ex’s feelings may have changed due to him or her envying his or her friends and wanting a “full-time” relationship.
However, if your relationship was unexciting, stagnant, or neglected, then you probably didn’t invest enough in it. You let the distance take its toll and waited for things to magically improve. Because they didn’t, the relationship lost its purpose and fell apart when doubts increased.
As you’ve likely heard many times before, breakups happen for a reason. Something or someone influenced your ex’s mind and made your ex see more negatives than positives. I can’t say what or who that was, but when it happened, your ex began to lose feelings fast and eventually decided to quit. Your ex left you and probably said that he or she would still be with you if it weren’t for the distance.
I’ve seen enough breakups to know that distance itself isn’t the reason couples break up. It’s how couples perceive the distance and what they’re willing to do to overcome it that causes them to break up. Such couples have a poor relationship mentality. They see physical distance as an obstacle because it takes time, money, and effort to travel all the time. As a result, they detach and give more available dating prospects a try.
I don’t judge, but I know that love has no limits or boundaries. It’s infinite, unconditional, and can’t be confined by distance, time, or circumstances. True love transcends obstacles. That’s what makes it special. Conditional love, on the other hand, is about what you individually can get from your partner. If you can get sex, money, power, status, or other relationship benefits, you’re in it purely for yourself, not your partner. That makes your relationship worthwhile only as long as it provides you with certain perks.
When things get difficult, stressful, or confusing, and make you think that you can get your benefits elsewhere, the relationship loses its value and quickly falls apart. It can’t continue to exist when you see it only as a means to benefit from it.
So remember, breaking up because of distance is a decision couples (typically dumpers) make when they lose feelings and the will to be in a limited relationship. They see more advantages in breaking up than in staying together. That explains why they look relieved and happy as soon as they end things and free themselves of relationship obligations.
In this post, we’ll talk about what it means and what to do if you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love.
My ex says he/she still loves me
Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. If your ex claims to still love you but can’t be with you because of distance, your ex clearly doesn’t love you. If your ex loved you, he or she wouldn’t have initiated the breakup in the first place. Your ex would have been too scared to lose you and in too much pain to stay away from you.
Uncertainty would loom over your ex and remind your ex that losing you doesn’t benefit him or her at all.
That’s why it’s important to know the truth, which is that your ex has fallen out of love and that getting back together is impossible, at least right now. Your ex has different goals and plans that don’t involve you. Don’t take it personally, but do keep in mind that your ex certainly doesn’t feel the same way about you. Your ex likely lost feelings weeks ago and spent the last few weeks looking for an opportunity to break up with you.
Distance made it easier for him or her to self-prioritize and postpone the breakup.
If you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love, you’re probably the only one who still has feelings. You wanted to stay with your ex even though the relationship wasn’t always physically available to you. That didn’t stop you from investing in it because you loved your partner and hoped that one day, you’d move in together and continue to pursue relationship goals together.
Since your ex gave up before that happened, you can deduce that your ex stopped valuing the relationship and planning things a while ago. Your ex stopped investing in you and instead focused on his or her hobbies, friends, or interests. You basically stopped being interesting to your ex and held your ex back from doing what he or she wanted. You did this simply by remaining committed to your ex and making him or her feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate your feelings.
Hence, I wouldn’t take your ex’s professions of love seriously. When love is real, dumpers show it by wanting to be close to their, not further away. They verbally and non-verbally express their feelings and ensure their ex wants the same. Mutual feelings and willingness to be together empower them, rather than scare, anger, smother, and overwhelm them.
If you feel that your ex wants space, your ex isn’t breaking a long-distance relationship despite being in love. He or she is doing it for the exact opposite reasons – due to a lack of love. This includes lost connection because of unregulated relationship-damaging thoughts, unresolved problems, and unwanted feelings.
It’s in your best interest not to think that an ex who says nice things to you still loves you. Such beliefs could make you hold on to your ex longer than necessary and perhaps even urge you to beg and plead and stay friends.
What to do if you’re breaking up because of long distance?
If you’re breaking up because of distance but still want to be with your ex, you mustn’t show up at your ex’s place unannounced and reveal your plans to cut the distance. The time after the breakup isn’t the time to take action. It’s time to figure out why your ex used the distance as an excuse not to reconnect emotionally and what you should do to change your ex’s mind.
By “change your ex’s mind.” I don’t mean talking to your ex, hanging out with your ex, staying in touch with your ex’s family, and asking his/her friends to take you back. I’m talking about indirectly influencing your ex to stop thinking negatively about your personality and/or the long-distance relationship.
Obviously, if your ex dislikes long-distance relationships, you can’t suddenly change his or her mind. That’s something your ex will have to change on his or her own – during no contact.
Your ex will have to give his or her post-breakup life an honest try and see whether things have improved without you. Note that this could take a very long time. It could take years or longer for your ex to become so miserable that he or she reflects on the long-distance relationship, misses you, and wants you back. Since you can’t predict when or if your ex will realize the value of the abandoned relationship, you must stay away from your ex indefinitely.
Stay in indefinite no contact and let your ex reach out to you when he/she is ready.
While you’re waiting for that to happen, work on yourself and keep yourself busy with people and things that make you happy. Don’t just wait for your ex to have an epiphany. Use this time to grow within and become someone your ex will regret leaving. Your ex needs to see that you’ve outgrown him or her maturity and happiness-wise, and that getting back with you would be the quickest way to secure short and long-term happiness and success, whatever success means to your ex.
Bear in mind that your ex will have to change his or he perception of you and long-distance relationships. Your ex will have to put you first and want any kind of relationship as long as it’s with you. But for that to happen, a lot will likely need to go wrong in your ex’s life first. Your ex will likely have to date other people, fail with them, compare them to you, and realize that you were his or her most compatible partner.
You might not want your ex back after that. Many dumpees don’t want to get back together because they have no interest in being with someone who had to sleep with half the town just to realize their worth. Maybe you’re okay with your ex dating other people now that you’re hurt. But you may not be once you recover and discover your worth.
Whether you want your ex is up to you, but if I were you, I’d take the long-distance relationship breakup just as seriously as any other breakup. Breakup, no matter the form, is an indication that the dumper stopped valuing you, investing in you emotionally, fixing problems, and caring about everything you did for the relationship. The dumper probably became doubtful due to the temptation to be with someone else.
Whether that person was real, imagined, or someone your ex barely knew, it doesn’t change the fact that your ex believed he or she would be happier without you.
Having said that, here’s what you should do when you’re breaking up because of distance but still in love.
Long-distance is a blessing in disguise
Long-distance breakups don’t have many upsides, but one of them is that you won’t have to worry about unexpectedly running into your ex and not knowing what to say or do. You won’t have to be scared of your ex’s reaction and obsessively wonder whether your ex even respects you. Unlike ordinary dumpees, you’ll be able to focus entirely on your healing, happiness, and growth.
Fortunately, you don’t need your ex physically close to you to recover emotionally. You’ll heal much quicker if you know that your ex is far away and that you won’t accidentally see him or her in public.
So consider your long-distance relationship breakup a blessing in disguise. Due to the nature of the breakup, you’ll think about your ex less every day and slowly get your ex out of your head. You’ll still have to do no contact and throw away reminders of your ex, but you’ll have one major problem less to worry about.
The longer you go without seeing your ex or worrying about running into him or her, the more you’ll regain your happy, detached self.
I advise you to stay in no contact and deal with temptations to reach out to your ex. Gradually, the need to converse with your ex will wane, returning your rationality and making it easier for you to see your ex for the person he or she truly is.
Your ex has to change his/her mindset
No matter how badly you want your ex to return and love you, you must understand that your ex’s return doesn’t depend entirely on you. Your actions matter, but not nearly as much as your ex’s well-being and mindset. To return, your ex must change his or her long-distance beliefs, perceptions of you, and willingness to invest in you. Without a major shift in perspective, your ex is unlikely to come back, even if you’re his or her perfect match.
Try to remember that exes come back when they run out of options and get hurt. Pain and desperation tell them to seek acceptance, validation, and security from exes who made them feel the strongest emotions. You could be one of those exes, provided your ex fails to reach his or her goals and remembers your good qualities and moments.
It’s important not to ignore your ex’s feelings and try to change your ex’s mindset by force. Force will make your ex feel pressured and disrespected. It will likely bring a negative reaction out of your ex and significantly reduce his or her respect, curiosity, and regret. If you want to be in a relationship with your ex, you must let your ex learn the lessons he or she needs to learn. These lessons can only be learned through failure, unmet expectations, and anxiety or pain.
It sucks, but that’s what it takes to get back with an ex-partner. Whether you broke up long-distance or no distance, your ex must find a reason to grow and see your romantic potential. When your ex notices it, your ex will probably contact you and show you that his or her mindset has changed completely.
So don’t reason with your unreasonable long-distance ex. Instead, let go of the need to control the situation and focus on yourself. When you feel better and come across as strong and purposeful, your ex will be more likely to notice the change—and possibly question his or her decision. Your ex may start to wonder if he or she misjudged you and if the relationship can be salvaged.
Did you break up because of the long distance? Do you want to move on, but you’re still in love with your ex? Leave a comment in the comments section below.👇
However, if you’re looking for personalized guidance about your ex, consider subscribing to 1-on-1 coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Dated my ex for 7 months, broke up Nov ’19. She only lived 2.5 hours away but it was still a logistical nightmare. We spent every other weekend together. We fell in love instantly. It was the most amazing relationship (we knew each other from school and recently reconnected).
About 5 months in, she stated she wanted more. We made plans to adjust our lifestyle so we could spend every weekend together and I told her that I would plan to move to her.
This wasn’t enough. She was very needy and needed constant reassurance. We had a fight and that was it. She said she couldn’t do the distance anymore. I was heartbroken.
I gave her space but still tried to keep in touch and work through things. She started to distance herself.
Today, we finally talked and she said she just cant do it. I told her my love for her was greater than any distance and I’d rather have a little time with her than no time. But she wouldn’t budge. So I just finally accepted it.
I know its more than just the distance but either she isn’t being honest with me or herself. Maybe one day she will place more value to our relationship and regret it but by then I know it will be too late because it’s time to finally move and mend my heart. I know we could’ve made it work but now im just left with a hole in my chest. I lost the love of my life to 2.5 hours.
Hi, my name is Addison. I am a freshmen in high school and my ex is a senior. He only has 4 months or so until he graduates. He said before we broke up that he had to figure out what he was doing after he graduated because he didn’t know. He said he might move to Tennessee with his mom to get a better job and I told him to let me know when he figured stuff out. But, in my head I was thinking like what if he decides not to move to Tennessee, that would mean that we broke up for nothing. But, he said he still wanted to be friends. But, in my mind I think that if I’m friends with him I will just get more attached than I already am and fall in love with him. But, and then again I feel like if I’m not friends with him that would mean that he’s now not part of my life and that already makes me sad to think about. He said he couldn’t do long distance because if he did end up moving then he didn’t want to be attached to me and not be able to leave if he had too. But I just don’t know what to think. He still stares at me in the halls at school. I want him back so bad that i don’t know what to do
Give him space. You’re still young and just starting your journey into adulthood. He’s trying to figure out what is best for him and obviously, a relationship isn’t a priority. If you’re ok with being friends, just show him support and be there for him. Focus on yourself and do not wait for him. If he stays then you can figure out the next step.
Hi,
I was dating my now ex for only about a week. I know, it seems stupid that I’m so upset. It was only a week. But we talked consistently throughout the days, and we were so close. Last night he broke up with me over text because of the distance. I don’t know what to do, and right now it feels like I’ll never be happy. help
Hi Zan. Thank you for the article.
I am a dumpee from a 2.5 year long relationship. By the time he broke up with me, we hadn’t seen each other for a year and a month. I used to think he must love me a lot, considering that at the beginning of our relationship, he voluntarily decided to move to my country so that we could be together. But somehow it didn’t work out – he couldn’t find a job when he was here. So he flew back to his country after living with me for a year wishing to save up for school and then came back with higher chances of finding a job. But he never did what he said he would do, instead he broke up with me over message without giving me a reason and shut me out of his world completely by cutting all contacts with me. I begged him to have a call with me so we could talk about this break up on the phone. But he never gave me the chance. I thought he would never talk to me ever again, but in October, he sent me and email, saying that he was sorry for everything and how much he wished we could have worked out. I was quite touched by his email, and emailed back telling him how I was doing. We continued to send email to each other on and off. But recently I found out he has been dating someone else since October. But he didn’t tell me this in any of his emails. Also the girl he is seeing now is from the same country as me. I just couldn’t help thinking too much about this. I sent him an email saying I knew that he is with someone else now, I am sorry for bugging you with the emails, and asked him if he could tell me their story. Then he replied saying something like he still love me and miss our relationship a lot, and then that email with “please don’t ever tell her any of this”…
I guess people would do all kinds of shit to make themselves feel better. He didn’t have feelings for me but at the same time he wanted me to keep sending him emails so he could still feel loved. I don’t want to say he is a bad person. But I really feel like I never actually get to know the real him in the past 3 years.
Move on.
Hi,
I feel like I am in the verge of breaking up cos of the distance.
My husband and I are together for nearly 12 years now and 5 years of that, we have been married. To cut the story short, we have been separated cos of the distance for 4 years now since he’s living in the UK. He lost his job a year ago and since it’s very hard to bring a family member in the UK because I live in a country which needs a visa, we then decided that he come to my country and live with me starting January of this year. I know he is trying his best to find a job for us to be together there but he couldn’t. I have applied for UK visa twice and got denied for I do not have strong family ties here in my country.
And because I know that he is not comfortable to live in a third world country, I feel and is positive that he doesn’t want to go and see me here. I know in the bottom of my heart that he loves me dearly and I feel the same towards him. 4 years and counting of just waiting is making me insane and I feel that we had wasted all years, memories because of this circumstances. What I also don’t like is that he just tell me to wait until he gets a job, but when will that be right?
I am desperate and need some advice. I don’t want to let go but if we are not able to see each other soon, I don’t know if I can still continue this? I hope someone can give me advice on this. Thanks!
Hi Zan,
First of all: All the best of wishes for 2020!
My (now) ex and I broke up two weeks ago. ( We live 1500 KM apart from each other) We broke up because of family problems on his side. 2,5 months ago his brother in law died and 1.5 months later his mom got diagnosed with cancer. To support his parents financially he took on a job 2 hrs away from his home 12 hrs a day. He taken on this job, helping his parents in and around the house and his sister, who is left behind with 2 small kids, means our ‘together time’ is almost zero. He can;t give me the time he wants. He would have come over for xmas for 16 days, had all planned out en then his dad ordered him to stay there cause it would stress his mom out en he is needed in- and around the house. Mind you we are 31 en 34. That’s how big of an influence his family has on him. 🙂 We are no teenagers and we really wanted a future together.
It breaks us both since we never ever had one row or argument with each other when we were in de relationship. We had the biggest laughs, best talks, talked for hours and hours almost 1 year straight day in day out.. and when we were together it was intimate, like that emotional level kind of intimate? He says that he knows that he wil never find this, me, again even if he is looking for it his whole life. But life has gotten in his way, so he made the choice to break up. After the break up we stayed talking every night for hrs. Yesterday I made the difficult decision that he isn’t coming back anytime soon. En hij sticks with his decision, since I said a few times that the situation he is in, isn’t for ever. He doesn’t see that and has tunnel vision so why would I stay friends with someone I want more out of. I can’t move on if I keep hoping he’s coming back some day.
This is killing us both but there is nog room for a relationship, he is needed over there.. They always relay on him financially, emotionally, physically. He was really distant almost cold too yesterday, like ok its done, move on. Totes different person now the choice is made ( Told him Friday and it took us 2 days to really say goodbye). We had a friendly goodbye and told each other that we love each other and that we are going to miss each other badly. Can you please give me advice how to move on from a relationship that we both stil want and still crave but just can’t because of circumstances? How can I really let go of someone who was everything all I never knew I wanted? Do you think the ‘no contact’ rule will make him realize that he lost me and that the situation he is in, is indeed temporary and nog for ever? Idk, my head is full and I am shattered. I would appreciate it if you respond.
Love,
Me
Hi Zan, thank you for your post. I’ve read it a few times by now, and I think it’s really helpful. I’d like your insight in my situation:
My ex and I met in Australia while on academic exchange. We clicked, and started going out, but neither of us thought about staying together after the exchange was over. As the time passed, we realised we had lots in common, and we started to fall hard for each other. I started to think about long distance, but he didn’t want to suffer and engage in a difficult situation. In the end, three weeks before we had to go back home, he said he wanted to try long distance because he was really in love with me, and he thought I was “the one”.
We did long distance for 11 months. He visited me and I visited him. We met each others families and friends, and it was great. Then, everything got very complicated for us. He started his las year of uni which is very demanding, had to work a lot to pay for his living expenses and started having mental health issues. I, on the other hand, had mental health issues too, and left law school because I realised I did not want to be a lawyer. So I started looking for a new degree. So we were both in complicated situations, and neither of us had money to visit the other. We were still very in love, and we spent hours on the phone and hanging out over skype.
In the end, he said he was not happy anymore, that he really missed me all the time and that he saw no way out of our current situation, even though I managed to save money to visit him. He just thought of it as too difficult and he said he was not happy. He said he really needed to focus his energy on his degree and work at the time, since his energy was already limited due to his mental health issues and he was barely able to hold his life together.
I accepted it gracefully and we ended in good terms, saying we would call the other if we ever thought it was the right time or if we were in each other’s continent or country (yes we live in different continents) or when he finished his degree. I did not want to break up, and he said he didn’t too, but he thought it was the right thing to do for him since it was too hard, but that he really loved me and wanted me in his life, but he just didn’t see how that could happen.
It’s been a month and a half, and I’m confused still. He seems to be doing ok, and I’m heartbroken. I really saw our lives together, I thought he was the one, and I want him back, but I also don’t want to spend months waiting for him to call me if he feels like it. I’m in a lot of pain.Heartache is so painful. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we’re meant to be together, we’re very compatible and I’ve never had a partner like him before in my life. He was my partner in every level: he was my best friend, partner in crime, lover, the person I relied on the most. We had a strong emotional and physical connection. We had a beautiful relationship, it was the perfect combination of fun, love, trust, honesty, good communication and lust. I honestly don’t know how to let go.
Hi! Please update your situation! I am experiencing just the same (met at exchange, but live in different continents) and we recently broke up because with covid we haven’t been able to meet up for 9 months. I would like to know how you are, how things worked out for you.
I’ve been doing long distance with my partner for well over a year now..
We meet through mutual friends and instantly hit it off, he kept messaging me through Instagram and Facebook and I had never met a guy so attracted and into ME!
Things moved quickly and before I knew it we were having Christmas and new year together with my family but we lived a 2 hour flight away. The distance was really hard, he’s a professional athlete so was busy with his team and training and my job didn’t allow me to travel that much. Anyway I found out he had been messaging some girls saying for them we are on the way out and he’s not interested in being intimacy anymore.. but he never physically cheated…
eventually we broke up and it was very long winded process. I said if we break up this is the end and he sort of hesitated and said what? We broke up and as soon as that happened the texts came in and he was instantly regretting his decision. He said he needed to work on him.. a couple of months went by and he continued to message me and woo me. We got back together, I met his entire family and we decided to buy a house together which I would live in as a business arrangement, not like our first home. He was then moving overseas to play his sport and we said in 10 months time I’d move over… I just had to achieve some things at work.
We are now at like the 6 month mark and I initiated a conversation saying what is our future.. I said the plan is for me to move over and he is now saying he doesn’t want me to move because of the uncertainty of his work and I said that doesn’t matter we can work that out together..
he has become so distant saying he’s over the long distance but then when I’m coming up with a solution to end it he’s acting non commital.
I crave affection and attention, he’s not giving that to me and says he won’t change.. but then doesn’t want to break up???
When arguments flare up he says fine he’ll book me an early flight home and we’ll end it.. it when it comes to crunch time he doesn’t and stops and says we will just battle through and carry on even though it’s draining.
I just don’t know what to do, I plan and think of our future everyday.. and he honestly said to me he doesn’t think about our future he’s just trying to get through day by day in this foreign country.
Any advice would be amazing
So my story is a bit different. I went in Australia for a year on a working holiday visa. There I met a guy. At first I didn’t want anything more than friendship with him, as I just gotten out of another relationship and my visa was expiring in 4 months. He kept wanting to hang out with me and learn more about, even if it’s just friend. We were leaving together so it was hard to avoid him, but I kept really liking him and finally I gave him a shot. I said life is short and so let see where it goes. We really felt for each other and we were together all the time. We never really talk about me leaving, it was just something we knew it would happen. 3 weeks before I had to leave, I asked about it.
He said he thought it was clear, that I kept talking about my life when I was coming back home, and he thought that we won’t be together anymore, but still be in contact like friends. I started crying, feeling like he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to try. He said he has been in this situation before and it ended badly, and he doesn’t want our relationship to end badly. He said it’s the first time he had a relationship that went so well and he didn’t want us to stop talking because we tried in a LDR and ended up hurt and on bad terms. I wiped my tears and accept it.
It’s been 3 months now that I left Australia, and we still talk every day. He still call me love and tells me he loves me. I tried to talk about the fact that I have a lot of mixed feelings about this situation, as I really love him, but we aren’t together. He said he doesn’t want me to hold on to maybes and to be stuck in the past. That he truly loves me and want me to be happy. That if I’m happy he’s happy. That he knows the kind of person he was and that he did hurt people he loved in the past and he is trying to be a better person, but he is not quite there yet. But he wants us to still be in contact, he wants me to tell him everything shout my life and he wants us to be good friends like that. He’s the one who always calls me and recently told me he would like to have a baby with me. Why say all that and do all that effort to keep contact with me ? Why do that, but not try to be in a relationship with me? It kinds play with my mind and I think about it all the time. I am ready for a LDR and I keep hooping.. but I don’t know if he would ever be..
Hi,
I came here because I’m scared of my relationship ending because of distance. My boyfriend is planning on attending a school that is far from where we live. We haven’t really discussed what will happen to our relationship when that happens. I know what the answer will be. I know that he will break up with me because of the distance. There probably isn’t anything I can do besides enjoy being together while it stills lasts. However, it worries me because I truly do love him. Is it worth being in a relationship when you know that the end is inevitable?
Thank you.
Hi Meg.
Don’t make the breakup happen by pushing him to do it.
Just enjoy the relationship and be the best person you can be.
And if he wants to break up, then walk away with pride.
Best regards,
Zan
I moved to my home state for a brief amount of time and met someone and we fell for each other. I quickly learned he was engaged (which broke my heart) and told him that he needed to figure his life out. The entire time I told him that I was planning on moving back to the other state I came from because of job opportunities. He broke off the engagement regardless, and within a few months I got a job halfway across the country. It was really hard because I was just completely head over heels for him. He felt so strongly about us and firmly believed we could work through the distance. We flew back and forth to see each other twice. At one point he was considering moving to my city and would constantly talk about it. Then a few months later he decided he wasn’t ready to move (I live in a very large city and it’s VERY different from where we are from – big change and we are kind of in different places in life right now) and I compromised and said I could definitely move back in a year after getting some work under my belt.
He told me a few months ago that he wanted to befriend the ex again. He then felt this need to pick between me or her and put me on an emotional roller coaster for two months – simultaneously making me believe we would get through this. Now here we are and he has left me for ex-fiancee (and moved in with her very quickly), which I mean I understand, I was ‘the other girl’. He says he has feelings for me, but there is no point as we live far away and it’s not an ideal long term solution. He says that there were things that caused issues in our relationship, but from what I’ve gathered from him and some mutual friends is that he can’t do the long distance and NEEDS to be with someone physically. He tells me he cannot be alone every day. He tries to text me every day and I can tell he wants to be friends (and truly would love that too) – but it’s so hard knowing he is living with her. Plus I don’t feel like I could ever get him back despite the fact that we both know we have a connection. I will be home soon for a few weeks for Christmas. He wants to hang out and see me. He has also mentioned that when I leave after the holidays it would be painful for both of us if we were together. I feel hopeless. It’s hard living far away and seeing all this happen. Everything feels out of my control.
Miss Hurt
I wanted share my story about my breakup I am the dumpee and I been with this guy for about 5 years we met online he lives a state away which is 4 hour drive.. our relationship over years has had its ups and downs and through it we tried to make work.. since last year hes been coming to visit me and i went to visit where he lives everything was going great it felt like a dream always wanted.. but then that same year he fell in love with some girl at his job it hurt because he didn’t talk to me for days I would call him before going into work and he wouldn’t say word short story short weeks after he told me the truth and we didn’t have contact until he came back asking for forgiveness and like an idiot I took him back.. the months went on and we doing great but my love and trust was gone and I was not happy but I still stayed.. in the month of may that was our last time seeing each other because he got new job and couldn’t come around September he asked for a break so i asked for go ahead then i asked him to be faithful for the time he was gone and then he said it was actual breakup and he needed time for himself and he left week pasted by he came back asking forgiveness but this point I told him he need talk to how he actually felt but he ignored and went on as if we never went on a break.. after that happen fast forward to now after that happen two months ago he one day told me he was having second thoughts and he said he just could not do the distance anymore and said ” I’m really sorry” everything over on a text after that I sent text saying how did this happen if we doing great that whole week.. after that he never respond back he went on posting a lot social media and hurt me on my side because it looked like he didn’t care what happen few hours ago.. its been a month since that day I haven’t then texted ever him and I’m trying to focus on my self but its been hard I try a lot to keep this relationship but end I feel stupid for giving this person my love and energy my emotions where played with and I feel stupid..
We started dating locally. He left for an opportunity after grad school. He says the break up is only because of distance. I told him I think we should make it the best long distance relationship we can by planning monthly trips and agreeing to be together in the same city within roughly a year, come hell or high water. In the end, he didn’t want to go through the pain and difficulty of a long distance relationship with the uncertainty of us truly being in the same place eventually. It hurts badly because I love him.
Hi Sam.
The distance is a problem only when a person’s mentality isn’t relationship-focused.
Your ex basically didn’t want your relationship enough to endure the difficulties of a long-distance relationship.
That’s why you mustn’t try to force him to come back.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi, 🙁 we met online, we fell for each other instantly we can say, he didn’t want a LDR but he thought this could be his last relationship, and i thought that too, we always talked about marriage, kids, etc…, I went to london to see him and they denied me the entrance, we could see eachother after 5 months that we began to date due to this, i came back to my country and start looking for jobs to save money for him to come since i had to wait 9 months to be able to entrance uk, 9 months past, this current november of 2019, i got some of the money and he was starting to work to add some money as well for the trip, 2 weeks ago things started to seem distant and Weird, i knew what was happening, i talked to him and told him, we are almost there, hold on, (i had to move from cities, to get a job that paid me enough to save for that trip, for nothing?) I thought that, he was busy with graduation and didn’t answer me, that’s what he said, 3 days ago he texted saying that indeed we r not longer together (i already knew) but he couldn’t ghost me, all this with the most cold, mean distant tone, through text not even phone, or skype, STILL HURTS AF, but the late closure helped, but i just can’t, he added he can’t do long distance anymore and thank you, i was fine and it’s him the problem. Sounds like he met someone else, I can’t believe 3 weeks ago he told me he loved me and i was his woman, it took him 3 weeks to get over me. WOW what a lesson.
My ex broke up with me 3 days ago because of distance and because of her mental issues.
We met online 5 month ago and we became friends and were playing games together. I never loved someone before or trusted because I never met a girl with so many common things with me.
From the start i knew shes different, we had so many common things that it seemed impossible, after 2 weeks she told me she likes me and that im different, 4 weeks after that i told her that i love her and she said the same.since the start i knew she had depression and that shes still fixing her self. It was so special, we spent every night on FaceTime and went to sleep together, first 2 month was so special and saying sweet things to me every day and i was doing the same, last month her depression came back and she didnt tell me, only after we argued about something she told me that her depression came back a month ago. I supported as much i can. Fast forward to 14 days ago, she became distant and she barely messaged me i love you first and her texts were really dry . I didn’t tell her anything till last Sunday, ask her whats going on and why she’s being so distant, and she told me she wants a break so she can really focus her mental issues , and ofc i said “ofc i will give you a space and everything “ we agreed on terms and everything, 2 of her terms were “Dont leave me” And still text me. I said dont worry i wont leave you but im not sure if i will text you because u said you need space and i dont wanna bother you to much and over text, so she said ok no worries i will text you first more often. I was sending her love’s message and thats it . 2 days past and she didnt text me the whole day. And i told her whats wrong and whats going on and she said she wants to break up because she feels she hurts me and she needs to work on her mental issues and cant be in a relationship. I respect her decision and said ok. She told me she loves me and always will and that she will be still here for me , and i said the same things.
2 days passed without talking to eachother at all but i was going crazy because i needed to know if we had chance getting back together in the future when she thinks shes ready mentaly, and i asked her and she said probably at first and said yes, i knew her to well and i knew she broke up with me for more reasons, i begged her to tell me the whole truth and she was still saying she only broke up because of her mental issues , but after 20mins she told me that there’s actually 2 reasons
1. Her mental issues
2. Because of the distance.
She said she needs physical contact , She said she almost cried every night because im not there for her to support her IRL and hug her .
I really understand her. She still said she loves me and hopes we will be back in the future.
We blocked eachother on social media because we thought it will make our lifes harder seeing each other. We didnt block each other numbers .
I just dont know if i should block her number too and everything so she can never reach me out. I wanna do it because we dont have any chance beign together because of the distance and i wanna move on as quick as possible. But on the other hand i dont wanna block her because i still love her and mostly care about her and i dont want her to block her and when she will need to talk to someone and message me and she will see i blocked her and she will be really sad again.
Im lost and dont know what to do
We were dating for a few years now. I live in Albania she lives in Finland. Only saw eachother over summer and rarely every 4 5 months. She lost my trust after i told something to my bestfriend I swore not to tell anyone.
She has 0 trust in me now and im afraid feelings will come again this summer. Still love her.
Hi Arman.
If she realizes she overreacted, she might give you another shot.
If not, you’ll find someone who can forgive you.
Best,
Zan
My situation is a weird one and I’m not really sure what to do now. Me and my now ex-girlfriend both went to different universities about a month and a half ago. We had been dating for a year. I thought it was going alright, I hated the distance thing but we still snapped everyday and I knew then when I next saw her it’d be worth it. I’d try and organise for us to call or meet up but she was always busy or we never managed to plan anything. This probably wasn’t a good sign but I kept trying. But on one Wednesday she asked me if I could go back home on the weekend and if we could hang out on the Sunday because she really wanted to see me (she was going home for a party at her friend’s anyway). So I said yes and got very excited, but then she said “I think we need to talk”.
So my mind straight away went to doomsday scenario and spent the next few days freaking out. But on the Saturday morning, before I’d gotten my train home, she called me and broke up with me because the long distance thing wasn’t working. I tried to explain that I’ve tried my best to make it work and that there will still be chances to hang out, she had made up her mind. I went home anyway because I didn’t want to be on my own.
I did snap her after because I wanted my favourite hoodie back, which probably seems like a bit of a pathetic thing to ask right away but I guess I just wanted everything to be over and done with. This is my first ever break up so I didn’t really know what else to do. She came to my house and gave it back and all I could say was “thank you” and “see ya” because I just kinda froze up seeing her again.
At this point I’m just forcing myself not to contact her at all but it’s hard. Its been about 4 days since we broke up now and I really miss her. I was thinking about calling her in a bit over a month when we go home for Christmas to see if she wants to meet up but I don’t whether I should wait for her to do it first. Long story short is I still love her and would love to get back together, even with how bad it ended, and just try and make it work.
Hi Barry.
You need to wait for her to become receptive.
Stay in no contact and don’t reach out. You’ll hear from her when she’s ready.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for the article. I am a dumpee from a 9 month long relationship. He ended it when I moved away for university and he couldn’t cope with long distance. I have been racking my brain for weeks, crying and having sleepless nights wondering why it went wrong and what I did wrong/what was wrong with me. After I have read this article I understand his problems more now, and I guess I can start making peace with it. If he comes back then that’s fine… If not, then I can’t change how his mind works, or take away his emotional dependency, no matter how much I love him and miss him.
Hi Nicole.
That’s right.
You can’t change your ex’s mentality, only he can do that.
So don’t blame yourself anymore. It’s really not good for your health and well-being.
Stay strong and don’t contact him.
You’ll either move on or he’ll come back.
Best,
Zan
Thank you for your article.
I am going through a broke up with me ex and trying to heal now.
—————- Background——————
Me:
From Hong Kong, 26, Female, had LDR with my ex fiance for over 7 years
Working with professionals
My Ex:
From Adelaide, 27, Male, never had LDR, had miserable experience with the previous ex girlfriend and need medicine before
typical attractive guy in every movies
—————- The LDR ———————
During my post broke-up with my violent ex fiance and we have our 3 years old daughter, we met and he helped me out when I was in Adelaide. Our Relationship ended exactly in 3 months on August. We met, were being together and living together for 1 month. Both of us were so happy and attached with each other. And I have good relationship with his mom and sister. Then I went back to HK for my sick mother. I have flight ticket to back there in the end of this month, around Christmas, and in March. Have plans that I will move there for work before December next year.
When we were together in Adelaide, he is mutual and can always gave me useful advice. After I am back to HK, we had video calls 4 times a week, and sent lots of messages over 8 hours a day. We had long-distance movie night as well. He said good morning to me everyday but sometime he just can’t let me know he is going to bed and I waited. He was totally disappear during going out with friends. He apologized after he realize he is wrong but he kept doing this to me again and again. He showed my pictures to all his family and friends and even some of they complained that he is so obsessed with me. My pictures were never showed up on his FB and IG.His Fb relationship kept remaining “Single” for the whole time.
—————— The broke-up —————–
After 1 month I came back to HK, he has depression and refused to talk to anyone but his depressed friend in Sydney and me. He thinks he is not younger anymore. He needs to start his life over again from a factory job to University. And I want family and marriage in the future. He thinks I am rushing it but I think it’s too soon to talk about all this. He was overwhelmed by everything in life about work, study, family and future. He felt so weak because he always sick (he always goes to gym but he lost 8kg because of sickness in 3 weeks)
He has the silent treatment to me for a week after he talked with his distant father but no one knows what did they talked. I did all the things I can to cheer him up by sending pop-up card to him, sending him video message with my kisses, called Urber eat for him when he is sick and only want KFC, etc.
He got better, we texted with stickers and emoji everyday and everything was normal except – no phone calls or video calls anymore. He said he doesn’t want to talk. He delete all the things on his FB and set no comment function on his IG. I felt weird and I was afraid he was going to kill himself because he said he is sick of his life and doesn’t care anything anymore. I asked him why he did that he said he got spam comments but there was no spams. I still chose to trust him. Then he got better again after I gave him so much love and supports.
One day my jealous ex told me that he found out my bf is on Tinder but I didn’t trust him. He couldn’t even show me any prove. I was so faithful to him and trust him that he wouldn’t do anything to harm me. I noticed that he followed some girls on IG so I asked him what is going on. He told me that he got a female stalker and he didn’t want me to worry so he didn’t tell me. Then he got mad at me and did the silent treatment to me again.
His mom talked to him then he got mad at his mom again and replied me that he is hurt by me and don’t want to talk with me anymore. I didn’t know what is going on and I just let him did it to me – When my grandpa passed away and my mom got stroke, and lots of pressure from a new job.
After 2 weeks, he said he can’t do this anymore and he can’t see the future of us. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said he don’t know anything anymore. Then we talked by texting…he said I am still his girlfriend and he said will wait and see what happen when the coming visit.
He has been distant to me, no phone calls, no video calls, no selfies, not really much texts, no nicknames, no stickers, no kisses from misses. He was busy on exam and assignment but I didn’t know until he rejected my call and messaged me that he was busy. He could have pick up the call and say “hey I am busy and will talk to you later” but he didn’t. I told him about how things got worse in the court and I need help. He promised me to help but he did nothing. I got stalker that night and he just messaged me until I got home safe.
Then he flied to Sydney to visit his depressed friend who just broke up with 6 years girlfriend that wants marriage. He messaged me before departures and landed. Then he disappear for 1 day and came back with saying “Sorry I got drunk and talked about career and Sydney life with friend”. I was so sad and mad and asked him to communicate with me but I got no responds. He stopped reading my message. He ghosted me and his mom and no one knows what is happening.
The day he backed to Adelaide, he didn’t even sent message to me to say he is back and safe. Next day he said he can’t do this anymore and he broke up with me saying that it is the distance breaks us. I asked and begged him to talk with me on phone or at least talk with me face to face and clarify our relationship no matter it is broke or not when I visit him in the end of September. He said “we shouldn’t see each other anymore”.
Then I sent him a long electronic letter saying how I felt about the relationship and break up and wish him all the best. He thought I am going to suicide but I said “No death can bring loves back if someone is not loving me anymore”. Day after he sent me the reasoning message saying how good I am and explained how distance will break us in long terms. He said it is really hurt to break up with me and he will miss me. I didn’t reply he because it is all excuses to me and I am hurt after I tried so hard to work it out as we promised but he didn’t do anything.
—————- Current situation ————–
I was grifing and crying my heart out. He asked his sister to check on me. His mom checked on me if I am coping okay. Even I didn’t want to talk with anyone, I still replied them because I tried to be polite and didn’t want them to worry about me.
Then this morning, his sister said he packed up my things already and will send it back to HK. I am surprised that he can get it done so fast because he said the break up is hard. I have lots of things in his room and don’t know why his sister said it is not heavy. I can’t let them send it to my place in HK because:-
I am going back to Adelaide and can pick it up somewhere
Receiving service is not available in my living area because of the intensive protest and the dangerous gangsters. It takes me 30 mins walk to there and even taxi can’t access to the post office.
Those things especially my laptop to be the main evidence on the custody case. I NEED to have it when I will be in Adelaide in coming 20 days. I called DHL and post office and they said they can’t guarantee the delivery date.
Then his sister said she is going to drop it at the police station for 20 days. Police haven’t send me the report I need (which they promised that I will receive it last month) how can I rely on them to keep my things (the laptop!!!) for me for 20 days??
I will stay with my friend but third party get involved in for the pick up will not be an good option. What if I lost something? My friend doesn’t want to meet them either.
I understand that he doesn’t want to see me and I don’t want to see him in this situation. We could just make a date and time somewhere, he could just drop it and I will obtain it 5 mins later. No one needs to see or talk with anyone. Why they are all trying to make things more complicated and difficult for me?
Although he hasn’t block me on social medias (yet) I stopped contact him for 2 weeks and trying to heal. Now I am sad and mad and feel even more worse….. I don’t know how to deal with all of these anymore.
I appreciate if you could give me any advice. Thanks.
I live in abroad and my now ex lives in uk we got together while i was abroad and was together 14 months he came over every other month and i went but i have 2 children from a previous marriage
we were good then on his last trip we spoke about where we are heading i can’t keave as my children and he said at the moment he can’t too so we ended it but we still met up everyday while he was here when he went back we still msg all day and still speak on the phone every day ,i went to uk for holiday and we spent time together and yes one thing lead to another then i came back home and we speak every day still
we spoke and said distance is the only problem but it hurts as i love him
Hi Donna.
If he truly loves you, he will overcome the distance and find a way to stay committed to you. That’s why all you should do is worry about being your best version of yourself so that he doesn’t have any doubts.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thank you for the insightful articles they have been a comfort to me. I wonder if you could provide some wisdom to my situation. First off I am day 9 of no contact – I didn’t plead or beg but accepted gracefully – and I have been using the time to learn about myself, to learn from the relationship and to throw myself in to new activities. However I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to hear from him in the near future – and wanted your perspective. The background – he and I dated for eight months, the first three months of those were together in the same country and during the last five we were separated by a 4.5 hour flight as he returned to his home country for work. Actually during the first three months of separation we spent five weeks together on three separate occasions. These last three months were difficult as we had plans to see each other in July but the time in between was difficult for me. I should say that since the beginning of the year I have been applying for jobs so that we could move to a new country to be together. I think the separation over the last three months created anxiety in me and I pressed for reassurance. In the main he was patient and understanding but I sensed his withdrawal over the last couple of weeks even though his communication was as consistent as before. One night I asked if he had a minute for a chat and he simply said he had a lot on his mind and felt he needed to settle in his country – that he couldn’t wait anymore. Crushing. But I replied that I appreciated the honest answer and to take care. That was the last message between us. And of course it wasn’t honest, I see now that emotional attraction was lost – otherwise we would have discussed a plan b or plan c. My question is – is this situation as desperate as it sounds or can re-attraction be re-built even over a distance? Many thanks
Thank you so much for your posts. I really find comfort reading them. God bless.
Thank you for reading, Jes. You’re the best!
Zan