Avoidant Ex Wants To Be Friends

When an avoidant ex wants to be friends, you should keep in mind that your ex doesn’t want to slowly work on rebuilding love and trust. Your ex only wants the friendship part of the relationship back. And your ex may want it to avoid hard feelings and keep you at a safe/comfortable distance that works best for him or her (not you).

Avoidant exes prefer independence to closeness. They don’t want to bond nearly half as much as you do because they don’t value emotional connections. They value freedom as they believe they can only rely on themselves in life.

Others have let them down, so they think they have no choice but to love themselves and depend on themselves.

Little do they know they have insecurities (childhood issues) to work on and that relationships will be hard for them if they don’t learn to be emotionally vulnerable and expressive. Most people will not understand them and feel understood by them.

They’ll take their lack of involvement personally and question their relationship.

Avoidant people tend to deprive their partners of love and recognition. They fail to meet their partner’s needs and as a result, make their partner think he or she isn’t good enough.

This makes them argue about their unmet needs and expectations and causes the relationship to sometimes feel more like a friendship than a relationship. In a healthy relationship, couples express their feelings and fears whereas in a relationship with an avoidant, couples walk on eggshells and often avoid saying things they need to say.

Not saying how they feel and what they want makes them feel safer than being open and honest. Relationships with an avoidant don’t necessarily end right away, but they can be hard to maintain.

Avoidants often experience:

• too much bonding and too many unrealistic expectations
• emotional disconnections
• doubts
• repeating insecurities and fears
• lots of adjusting and changing of needs
• arguments

I’m telling you this so you know that when an avoidant ex wants to be friends, the avoidant hasn’t worked through his or her fears. The man or woman has had all his or her life to identify his or her avoidant tendencies and do something about them.

It’s extremely unlikely that the breakup incentivized him or her to engage in introspection and do the necessary work.

You must remember that exes (especially avoidant ones) only want to keep you around for convenience. They want to know that you’re doing fine and that you forgive them for hurting you.

Once they’ve received the reassurance they needed to clear their conscience, you may not hear from them for a while as they could disappear and rely on themselves and others for happiness.

So don’t expect an avoidant ex to be a completely different person after you’ve befriended him or her. Expect the same person who despises bonding and getting close to you.

Downgrading from a relationship to a friendship won’t change a person. It will just remove expectations and pressure, provided you keep your feelings to yourself.

Your ex will likely not make a very good friend. Especially not if you still have feelings and need closure and approval.

Emotions scare avoidant people as they put expectations on them. They make them feel responsible and trigger their fears. You should think twice about being friends with someone who isn’t empathetic, emotionally vulnerable, and expressive.

Think about what you can gain from this person and if you’re even ready to be friends.

If the breakup happened recently, you probably aren’t. You need more time to accept the unfortunate situation and recover from your ex’s lack of love and validation. You need time to realize that you deserve someone who experiences, understands, and cares about your emotions and problems.

The same is true for friendships. You want a friend who acts like a friend, not someone who can’t even help himself/herself.

How is someone who doesn’t experience emotions the way you do going to help you? When you have a problem that requires empathy and care, is this person going to be a supportive friend and help you? He or she probably won’t. Not unless you lower your expectations completely and settle for what this person can give you.

But then again, why would you want friendship with someone you don’t need? More isn’t better when it comes to friends. In my experience, fewer but better friends are better. If you have a few good friends, you can spend time with people you actually want to spend time with. 

Now that your avoidant ex wants to be friends, he or she likely wants something from you. You need to figure out if you want to give that to your ex, if you’re emotionally ready to be friends with your ex, and if being friends is even a good idea.

Do that by talking to friends, family, and therapists and remembering what your ex is like as a person.

Not all exes are meant to be friends. Most exes need to go their separate ways so they can disassociate from each other, heal, improve, and meet people who understand them and want to be with them. They can be friends or (preferably) less than friends later after they’ve gotten over the breakup and restored their purpose in life.

Therefore, keeping an ex around as a friend just because you were together for a while isn’t always a good idea. Most of the time, it’s a bad one as it forces friendship on people with opposing views and unprocessed feelings.

I urge you to prioritize your health and well-being and think about your future before you agree to be friends with a person who hurt you.

In this article, we talk about what it means and what to do if your avoidant ex wants to be friends. 

What does it mean when an avoidant ex wants to be friends?

When an avoidant ex wants to be friends it means the same thing as when an ordinary ex wants to be friends. It means that your ex has detached and processed negative emotions to the point where he or she can communicate with you.

Your ex has gone from not wanting you around to being okay with being around you from time to time.

Your ex is ready to talk about non-relationship/breakup matters and act as if you never dated. That’s what it means when your ex wants to be friends all of a sudden. You can expect awkwardness, unmet needs, and unpleasant questions and answers.

Depending on your personality and maturity, you and your ex could exchange words you’re not ready for and make each other feel unwanted emotions.

Some exes (avoidant and non-avoidant) ask to be friends right after the breakup. Such exes offer their ex friendship out of guilt and pity or simply because they dealt with the negative breakup effects before they initiated the breakup.

They lost feelings weeks before the split and stayed with their ex until they were ready to be friends.

Either way, you shouldn’t instantly accept friendship. You should first figure out if you even want to be friends with someone who abandoned and hurt you. If your ex treated you poorly, friendship may not be wise to agree to.

It could only help your ex assuage guilt and shame.

If you felt unfulfilled in a relationship with your avoidant ex, don’t think that maybe your ex will make a better friend. Friendship may have no romantic expectations, but it will still have other expectations. Expectations that a regular friend needs to fulfill.

Personality-wise, your ex is who he/she is. If you didn’t agree about fundamental things, you won’t agree on them as friends either.

It may be easier to confide in an actual friend – a person who listens, cares, and empathizes with you. A true friend will support you in times of need whereas an avoidant ex will probably not. It depends on how he or she perceives you and whether he or she is dating someone new.

If your ex is in a new relationship and you need him to help, your ex probably won’t. He may be your friend, but he’ll prioritize his partner and situations that feel good. Your problems will smother him and make him crave space again.

So think long and hard before you become friends with an avoidant ex. Think about your happiness and the people you already have in your life that you can rely on.

You may realize that you already have good friends and that becoming your ex’s friend may not be a good idea.

Oftentimes, friendships with exes don’t last because exes don’t actually want to be friends. For some exes, a friendship offer is just a guilt-assuaging, information-providing, and pain-avoiding call for a truce.

It doesn’t mean they want to hang out, support their ex, see their ex succeed, and act as friends. Many dumpers offer friendship just to bury the hatchet and not feel any animosity toward their ex.

They aren’t happy about their behavior and that they’ve hurt their ex, so they say things like:

• I hope you’re okay
• I want the best for you
• I love you
• You deserve someone better
• Let’s be friends

Such dumpers don’t know they’re giving their exes hope and that it may be too soon for their exes to be friends.

If they really want to be friends, they should support their ex when support is needed and leave their ex alone when he or she doesn’t need any help. That’s how they can be useful to an ex they abandoned and hurt.

Future dumpers simply don’t think things through. Because they don’t think about the consequences of breaking up, they don’t know they could lose their ex completely after the breakup. In their minds, they’re convinced they’ll stay friends and that their ex will continue to treat them the same way.

That’s why they get angry when their ex rejects friendship and tell their ex that he or she is mean and unfair.

They don’t understand their ex doesn’t owe them friendship or communication. Their ex can walk out of their life right away and forever if he/she wants to. It’s the least the dumpee can do after experiencing a painful separation.

So if your avoidant ex wants to be friends and you’re not sure what it means, bear in mind that your ex probably doesn’t know how you feel. Your ex isn’t you and doesn’t understand that you need time to accept the breakup and get over it.

Your ex thinks you feel detached and ready to converse like him or her.

That said, here’s a recap of why your avoidant ex wants to be friends.

What to do when an avoidant ex wants to be friends?

Avoidant or not, if your ex left you and you’re not ready for friendship, don’t settle for less than you deserve. Don’t be friends when communication makes you crave validation and gives you a false sense of hope and security.

While you’re recovering, focus on yourself and keep rebuilding your self-esteem and purpose in life. And when you’re ready to be friends (when you’re over your ex – usually months after starting no contact) evaluate your ex’s ability and desire to be a good friend.

But until then, stay away from your avoidant ex and learn to love yourself. Learn to be okay without your ex so that you don’t need your ex to feel fulfilled in life. That should be your top priority.

So if your avoidant ex wants to be friends, the first thing you should do is figure out if you’re ready to be friends, if you can benefit from friendship with your ex, and if your ex wants friendship or something else.

If your ex doesn’t know or want to treat you equally, it’d be smarter to keep your distance from your ex and leave your ex in the past. You don’t need to be friends with all exes. You especially don’t need to be their friend if they dumped you for someone else and showed you how little they cared about your feelings.

Not every breakup is a loss. Some breakups need to happen for us to stop feeling unheard and meet people we can connect with and get along with.

You probably struggled to understand your emotionally avoidant ex. You didn’t know how to express emotions and problems effectively because every time you tried, your ex ran away, ignored you, or did something that damaged the relationship.

Friendship with this person may not be that intense, but certain personality traits will recur. Think about whether you want to communicate and feel similarly to how you felt in the relationship.

If you do, you can be friends when you’re fully or mostly over the breakup. And if you don’t, say that friendship isn’t what you want, that it’s not personal, and that you wish him or her the best of luck.

Your ex will probably accept your decision and leave you alone. If he or she doesn’t (keeps reaching out), let your ex know the next time you receive a text or call, you’ll have no choice but to block.

That will make your ex see you know your worth and that he or she has to decide. Does he or she keep contacting you and risk getting blocked or does your ex do as you say and walk away with pride?

Does your avoidant ex want to be friends? Do his or her avoidant tendencies complicate things? Let me know in the comments below.

And if you’re looking for help deciding whether to be friends or not, get in touch with us via our private coaching program.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.