Updated on November 3, 2025
Did your ex downgrade after leaving you?
Don’t worry; it happens to many dumpees. Dumpers often leave a good, compatible partner for someone they know very little about. Not only do they know very little about their dating interest, but that person is often a complete downgrade in terms of looks, personality, or stability. He or she is worse in most or every way, but that doesn’t stop dumpers from feeling desired and getting attracted.
That’s because dumpers don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. They don’t search for a better partner, but rather, a different one. They want a different relationship experience with someone who distracts them from their unsuccessful relationship with their ex, validates them, and opens the doors to new experiences.
Eventually, they find that person and feel grateful simply because he or she is nothing like their ex. The man or woman may be an obvious downgrade, but he or she allows them to stay in control of the breakup and feel desired and needed. That’s all dumpers need to get into a new relationship and see how things go.
I know it can be confusing to see your ex downgrade so badly, but think of it as a reflection of where your ex is mentally and emotionally. Your ex probably isn’t looking for depth or stability and just wants a fun, carefree post-breakup experience. There’s no better way to get that than by dating someone who isn’t exactly partner material.
A downgrade can feel exciting and validating, but not something your ex can commit to long-term. Once the relationship settles, the excitement that kept it alive will start to fade and reveal each other’s shortcomings, differences, and incompatibilities. That’s when they’ll likely start to disagree on basic things and cause tension.
In other words, the relationship won’t function so smoothly anymore due to their inability to maintain it properly. It will slow down and force them to think about whether they’ve made the right decision to date. If they don’t have any better options, they’ll keep dating despite the challenges. But if they have backup options, such as exes to go back to, they might become nostalgic and consider running back to them for comfort and safety.
I can’t predict the future, but if your ex is a dumper and his or her new partner is a clear downgrade, it’s obvious the relationship won’t last long. Dumpers are tired from the end of their previous relationship and expect their new relationship to be significantly better than the previous one.
If it’s not, they often lose their patience and break things off to seek greener pastures.
So, whether your ex left you for a downgrade or found this person after leaving you, remember that your ex is happy with his or her decision for now because the new person excites, distracts, and validates your ex. This person may know what to say and do to entertain your ex and pull your ex in after a difficult breakup.
Despite not being as good-looking, financially successful, or funny as you, he or she has something you don’t that your ex likes and finds attractive. These things may not matter much in a serious, long-term relationship, but your ex probably isn’t thinking that far into the future.
Your ex is focused on the present moment because your ex wanted to not just forget the past, but also be as happy as quickly as possible. Because your ex was in a hurry to obtain maximum happiness, your ex found a downgrade person who could provide instant gratification.
This often happens to dumpers who blame their ex for their problems. Such dumpers refuse to take accountability and learn from their mistakes, so they get together with someone who initially says and does the right things. He or she goes above and beyond to make a good impression, but doesn’t do so well once the infatuation fades and the relationship requires work.
If you want to know what it means when your ex downgrades badly, it means that your ex refused to self-invest and do his or her background check. Instead of learning from his or her mistakes and taking his or her time to get to know a few people, he or she likely said yes to the first person who showed interest.
That person happened to be the downgrade you see your ex with today. It’s not a good match for your ex, but your ex is happy with it nonetheless. For now, the new person seems to fulfill your ex’s needs and expectations because things are new and don’t require any effort.
That will change once they get to know each other better and see how they handle stress, pain, and anger.
If they handle difficulties well and are compatible personality-wise, they won’t necessarily break up just because your ex’s partner isn’t as fit or doesn’t have as good a job as you. If your ex cares more about managing stressors and unwanted emotions, your ex will stay with the new person.
However, if your ex values financial stability or a healthy lifestyle, then your ex could think they’re incompatible and that he or he had more in common with you.
It all comes down to perspective.
You may not want to hear this, but people value different things. Some are happy to settle for unhealthy relationship dynamics as long as they don’t have to work a day in their life. Others prefer financial independence and expect their partner to treat them with care and respect.
If your partner doesn’t value what you have to offer, your partner won’t come back, at least in the short term. Your ex will first have to learn to value the things you possess and develop an urge to obtain them. That means your ex will have to compare the new person to you and become nostalgic and regretful.
Once your ex understands the value you bring to the relationship, your ex will likely leave the new person and run back to you. That’s what dumpers who took their ex for granted and later rediscovered his or her worth do. They return when they exhaust the new relationship and learn that they were compatible with their ex. They just didn’t know it because they cheated and/or focused on his or her bad traits.
You shouldn’t be afraid of a person your ex downgraded to. Whether it’s an upgrade or a downgrade, the new person is different. That’s good enough for your ex at the moment because it makes your ex feel desired. Expect them to be a happy couple for a while.
They’ll get along for a while unless they’re extremely incompatible. Things will start to get difficult once the relationship stops validating them and reveals their true characteristic. That’s when you can expect them to encounter issues and be forced to cooperate to the best of their capabilities.
The point I’m trying to make is that things may seem rosy now, but they often change once reality sets in. Most new couples need 3 – 4 months to get through the get-to-know-each-other phase and put their relationship to the test.
If you can’t fathom why your ex downgraded badly, this is the article for you. It will answer your burning questions and reassure you that your ex won’t have a fairy tale-like relationship with the new person.
When your ex downgrades badly
If you’re constantly obsessing over your ex’s new partner—especially now that your ex has downgraded to someone who seems to be a million times worse than you, you must first understand that what you’re doing is self-destructive.
By thinking about your ex and your ex’s new partner, you’re trapping yourself in an obsessive loop that keeps you focused on the wrong people. You should be focusing on yourself and your loved ones, but instead, you’re stuck thinking about people who don’t make any difference in your life whatsoever.
This not only wastes your time but also drains your energy and makes you feel insecure. Comparing your ex’s new partner to yourself is bad for you, even if the new person is an obvious downgrade.
Your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend doesn’t deserve your thoughts and attention, and neither does the new person. As a matter of fact, they deserve absolutely nothing from you.
If by some chance they learn that they’re constantly on your mind, trying to break them up, they’ll feel validated (good about themselves), as they’ll have a common enemy and feel that they’re a good match.
So, try not to give away any signs that could potentially validate and empower their union.
I know it can be difficult not to compare yourself to someone else, especially to an ex who left you and destroyed your self-esteem, but try to stay strong. It’s human nature to constantly compare the “befores and afters” in nearly everything we encounter. We compare jobs, salaries, financial stability, assets and debts, savings, popularity, influence, social status, achievements, and many other things that we have, crave, or covet.
Even though we’re more than happy to upgrade from good to better, we absolutely despise downgrading from good to worse. That’s because moving to worse bruises our pride and makes us feel like we’ve lost something valuable.
People value different things
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. People often don’t realize that new and bigger doesn’t necessarily mean better. It all comes down to the standards we set for ourselves and how we perceive the world around us. If we value superficial things, we look for people who can give us superficial things.
Likewise, if we value love, honesty, and commitment, we gravitate toward those who are similar to us and value the same things.
As humans, we learn most of our behavioral patterns from our caregivers during childhood, often without consciously realizing it. The rest of our patterns and beliefs are shaped independently, through our own thoughts and life experiences.
That’s why everyone grows up to be different in countless ways.
For example, people have different preferences when it comes to:
- religion
- food
- work
- fashion
- love
- and much more
But despite everyone having different preferences, there is one universal expectation we all crave. This expectation is so powerful that we instinctively demand it from life. We call it happiness.
Human beings need positive changes to be happy. We need goals to work toward. Goals make things challenging for us and give us the motivation to direct our lives in a positive direction.
There are different ways to become happy, but many people do so through life changes. Some start a business or get a new job, while others change friends and romantic partners. By changing their partner, they create shifts in their life and expect to get happier and happier.
As for those who stop staying active and begin to stagnate, their lack of ambition, purpose, or positive change often erodes their happiness. Before they realize it, they risk losing themselves, and eventually, even the people around them.
They can become such a burden that they slowly drag down those around them. When it becomes clear that the boat is going under, the people they love naturally prioritize themselves and do what they need to save themselves.
This is why it’s so important to become happy with ourselves first, and only then seek a romantic partner. A romantic partner can’t make us happy or stay happy him/herself when we refuse to help ourselves/be happy.
My ex downgraded
First of all, if it seems like your ex has downgraded, you need to remember that there are always two sides to every story.
One side is the version you create through observation and rumors. This interpretation is often based mainly on outward appearances and may even be influenced by the ego.
The other side of the story, on the other hand, is shaped by your ex’s perception of the person he or she is seeing. This version is influenced by the power of love and includes both the physical and emotional aspects of the relationship. Only your ex can truly understand it by getting to know the person he or she is seeing.
So, before you judge your ex’s new partner and assume that your ex’s standards have dropped significantly, take a moment to consider the relationship from both perspectives.
You probably agree that it’d be unfair to judge people based on just a few quick observations. You don’t know the new man or woman personally, so acting like you do would be misleading and unfair. Only your ex knows (or will know) the new person well enough to say whether it’s an upgrade, a downgrade, or more of the same.
People come in all shapes and sizes. It would be nearly impossible to list everything that makes each person unique or special. Besides, different doesn’t necessarily mean better or worse. Different can be unique and interesting enough for exes (especially dumpers) to find them attractive.
That said, your ex could downgrade with the new person in several important areas of life, including:
- health: physical, emotional, mental, social, sexual
- personality and character: self-esteem, confidence, attitude, humor
- wealth: money, properties, assets, education, work
- relationships: family, friends, social status
Why did my ex downgrade?
When your ex downgrades to someone who doesn’t seem like his or her best match, it’s natural to feel confused and wonder what your ex sees in that person.
You have a decent understanding of the kind of people your ex finds attractive. Your ex probably told you that you’re his or her ideal partner, so it doesn’t make sense to see him or her with someone so different.
It only makes sense to your ex. The new person may not be someone your ex would typically go for before dating you, but that has changed. Since the relationship failed and made your ex dislike certain things about you, your ex is now more open to dating other types of people.
Your ex is okay with some of the things he or she previously wasn’t. Not only is your ex okay with it, but your ex also wants to forget the past and feel validated by someone new. By someone who understands, entertains, and empowers him or her.
Because the new person makes your ex feel good, your ex doesn’t see him or her as a downgrade, but rather, as an upgrade. Someone who releases love hormones into his or her brain doesn’t feel like a downgrade to your ex. It feels like a complete emotional upgrade.
At the moment, your ex isn’t aware of the fact that it takes half a year or so to get to know a new romantic partner and determine how compatible they are.
That’s why your ex is focused only on the positives this new person brings to the table. Those appealing traits temporarily mask and delay the problems your ex will eventually have to face to make the relationship work.
Because a long-term relationship (six months or more) is a significant amount of time to spend with one person, your ex likely grew tired of commitment and started craving something new and refreshing.
Your ex probably kept an eye out for anything or anyone that could spark positive, powerful emotions. This means that someone similar to you or completely different could easily catch your ex’s attention and make him or her feel special again.
I’m not saying your ex cheated. But this is often the case when dumpers start a new relationship shortly after the breakup. A new relationship is a sign that they developed a connection prior to leaving or that they had someone else lined up.
Before you take your anger out on your ex, remember that when dumpers downgrade to someone else, it’s usually because they’d been feeling emotionally exhausted for weeks prior to the breakup. They felt unfulfilled, so they stayed on the lookout for new romantic or sexual opportunities to save them from the relationship.
When they found someone they liked, they got close to that person and created an opportunity to leave their (long-term) partner.
More reasons for your ex’s downgrade
After the breakup, your ex probably craved a companion to keep him or her occupied and help him or her move forward as quickly as possible. In doing so, your ex tried to take shortcuts and avoid the need to face his or her own emotions and shortcomings.
The new person is the reason your ex ignored the need to self-improve and quickly moved on. The new person probably doesn’t even know that his or he partner recently got out of a serious relationship. You shouldn’t get involved and warn the new man or woman. It’s something they’ll have to work through on their own.
If they want honesty and respect, they’ll tell each other the truth.
When the dumper dates another person for the sake of feeling validated, keep in mind that this is seldom a good idea. By dating someone else so quickly, the dumper often enters the new relationship with the intention of taking from the other person, rather than giving.
This disrupts the balance and turns the relationship into a one-sided, take-focused dynamic.
Furthermore, it’s worth noting that your ex could also downgrade purely for the sake of sexual gratification. Men, in particular, are often guilty of this after a serious long-term relationship, as they tend to be more driven by physical desire.
Women, on the other hand, often prefer security and comfort—so they tend to stay away from anything without the label “commitment” written on it.
Of course, there are exceptions. Not every man is purely driven by physical desire, and not every woman prioritizes security above all else. People are complex, and their motivations can vary widely based on personality, experiences, and circumstances. The key is to remember that these tendencies are general patterns, not rigid rules.
What do I do when my ex downgrades?
There’s a lot you can do when your ex downgrades and makes you feel confused. You should remember that your ex’s decision to date is unrelated to you. Your ex may want a different-looking or behaving partner, but who your ex picks in the end has nothing to do with you.
It has everything to do with your ex’s beliefs and what he or he is going through.
Let’s talk about what not to do when your ex downgrades badly.
Provided your ex is an adult, he or she is more than capable of living his or her life without the help of an ex-partner (you). So no matter what your opinion of your ex’s new partner is, keep it to yourself—especially if you still want your ex back.
If you refuse to leave your ex alone and trash-talk your ex’s new partner, you’ll look extremely bitter, jealous, and unattractive. That’s why you should let your ex live his or her life and focus on yourself.
Your ex is probably not judging your way of living, so you shouldn’t judge your ex’s either. You have more important things to spend your energy and time on. Things like detachment, healing, and improvement.
So, unless your ex specifically asks you for an opinion, I kindly advise you to keep it to yourself. Doing so will save you from unnecessary complications and uncomfortable situations.
The end is near
When your ex downgrades, it’s only a matter of time before he or she comes to a harsh realization and regrets downgrading. But for your ex to regret it, he or she needs to give the relationship a shot and realize why it failed on his or her own.
Eventually, when the highs of the relationship wear off, your ex will realize that others were trying to warn/help him or her and that he or she should have listened to them.
When the realization finally sinks in, your ex will have a decision to make.
He or she will have two options:
- Continue the relationship and hope that he or she can grow together with his or her new partner.
- Let go of the downgraded partner and find a healthier, more compatible alternative.
Did your ex replace you with a downgrade? Comment below the post and let us know how it feels when your ex downgrades badly.
Lastly, if you need guidance on what to do when your ex downgrades, feel free to subscribe to coaching and reach out. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees understand the dynamics of breakups and the decisions their exes make.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My ex of 3 years who we shared our “firsts” in almost everything with each other, was struggling to get through a mutual breakup and seemed like she wanted to get back together. Come to find out a week later she doesn’t want to get back and starts acting all weird. Turns out she got into a rebound relationship that is a huge downgrade in every aspect. I haven’t spoken to her for almost a month since she was not giving me any energy back and was pursuing things with this guy. I want her to realize how much she loved me because of how much I did for her and that I want to work through flaws and mistakes. Eventually, I want to reconcile but she’s posting many pictures where she looks very happy with him and it makes everything complicated.
Don’t reconcile. Do indefinite no contact. Block her on social media.
Move on. She has.
Also keep in mind social media never provides the full picture of how things are. Definitely go indefinite NC.
Hi Jack.
She’s doing everything she can to convince herself he’s the right guy for her. Only time will tell if he is. Leave her alone until their relationship ends, and she reaches out to you. She can’t focus on two guys at the same time.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex appears to have “downgraded” with the person she left me for. I first heard about the “downgrade” from one of her family members evidently her father and siblings were shocked at how completely different me and her new bf are and her father even commented to her that she made a huge mistake. In the major categories; income, education, physical appearance, age, he appears to be the exact opposite of me and by most peoples accounts not in a good way. As the article states however, he is evidently providing her something that I couldn’t whether it be a party lifestyle without responsibilities or the high of being a new sexual partner. While it bothers me, it is her choice that she made for her own reasons. I do still have strong feelings for but with the manipulation and cheating that occured during our long term relationship I really don’t know if I would ever try reconcile things with her.
Hi Rico.
It seems that she prioritized short-term happiness over long-term goals and security. If she really did downgrade, she’ll start experiencing problems when they get out of the love stage and face problems.
Hang in there,
Zan
Thanks Zan
Do they typically come back once the honeymoon phase ends?
Hi Rico.
They don’t come back just because the honeymoon phase ends. When they come back, they do so because they couldn’t make it work with the other person and got hurt.
Sincerely,
Zan
hello,
I met a girl who was always sad.
I helped her heal over her toxic ex.
we dated for a year and a half.
I treated her like a princess.
She was now healed, happy and strong girl.
Then she broke up with me for supposedly ethnic reasons.
2 weeks later she’s with someone else (downgraded)
5 months later she called me saying he treats her poorly, she cries herself to sleep every night etc.
I helped again.
2 weeks later she tells me she wants to give the guy another chance.
I was flabbergasted.
How can she choose to stay with someone who treats her badly?
This the price to pay for helping someone ?
Hi Alex.
The girl didn’t value you. She thought the green was greener on the other side and left to chase external happiness. Since she didn’t find it, she came back to rely on you just to go back to the guy who mistreats her. I think she’s attached to the ups and downs and doesn’t understand what a good relationship is. She has a lot of baggage too, so I hope you move on and find someone who appreciates you from the start.
Best regards,
Zan
My wife announced separation three months ago and almost immediately entered into a new relationship. While she denies it, I’m quite certain she monkey branched off of me. We were married for almost 15 years. We have two children together.
Her new boyfriend is a downgrade in almost every way possible. Yes, I’m obviously biased here as a dumpee. I have a very good paying and respectable job with a generous benefits package and our family was in a very financially stable position. We were able to travel out of the country 1-2 times a year. I am physically active and I take good care of myself. I like to think that I am still somewhat physically attractive for my age. After having said all that, our relationship was in bad shape for sometime and I am admittedly at fault in some areas. I apologized to my wife for my failures as an husband and hoped to reconcile but she had no interest.
My ex’s new boyfriend lives with his mother, works at a local grocery store stocking shelves, smokes tobacco, and does not appear to look after his health in any visible way. He talks, dresses, and acts like a person half his age. I’m not certain, but I do not believe he even owns his own vehicle. He is clearly not very intelligent. He also has some other significant baggage I perhaps should not mention here.
My ex has been spending ridiculous amounts of time with this person since the relationship started. I am often looking after the kids most of the time so she can have trysts with her boyfriend. I am quite confident that she has built up a fairytale in her head where she will move in with him in the near future and somehow subsist entirely on the positive feelings of the limerance phase of a new relationship.
I believe it only to be a matter of time before she realizes what she has gotten herself into. I can only hope karma will catch up to her in due time.
Hi Bert.
Your ex can only see the new guy’s positive traits for now. She likes the way he makes her feel, so for her, it’s not a downgrade yet. It could be once she gets to know him fully and starts arguing. Their success depends on whether they get along rather than superficial things like where he lives and what car he drives. Unless your ex expects certain privileges, only time will tell whether they break up or stay together.
I encourage you to work on your flaws – the issues that broke the relationship. Don’t let your ego slow you down.
Sincerely,
Zan
Well ladies kind of do the same thing….what’s that saying…..
The Best Way to get over a guy is to get under a guy…😘
So much for your theory that women are more interested in committment after a long-term relationship…lol
NOT !😉
Hi Kiartari.
If you try to get over a guy when you’re attached to him, you’ll rebound terribly. Best to heal without the help of romantic/sexual partners.
Best,
Zan
Zan,
I enjoyed this article, my ex-girlfriend broke up with me in December 2022 and of course did not give me a good reason. I am doing much better now, of course it still bothers me at times. I guess you could call it a downgrade from me, but she seems to have gone back to her usual kind of guy that she dated before me. This is what I have learned about her Ex’s.
Guy1. Her sons dad, barely employed alcoholic druggie who has no interest in his son. Not sure if she was on and off again with this one.
Guy2. She left him when they got back together because they had a daughter, he was an on and off again relationship. The relationship ended when she caught him doing drugs while watching their daughter. He is also barely employed and has felonies.
Guy3. He was an abusive alcoholic who again she has been on and off again with for year.
I am sure there have been others as well, but I never asked because I did not care. We both work at the same hospital system but different locations. I always liked her and stared dating her sometime after it ended with guy 3 when he cheated on her. I guess I was love bombed because she told me I was the first guy she wanted to marry me and said how amazing and perfect I was. I would always tell her I am far from perfect lol! So two months after she broke up with me she bread crumbed me and when confronted about it she said she wanted to be friends and just “text n such”. I declined and explained why. Not long after that she was back to the same kind of guy she has always been with. He has several drug convictions and felonies and is also barely employed. I have mixed emotions about her going back to her usual type of guy. As the dumpee though I do feel that I have come out of this and am doing really well, I do still feel pain sometimes. The big positives for me is I lost 21 pounds and got a new position at the hospital as operations manager of the surgery service line. That was a huge goal that I have been working towards, she was actually very supportive of that. The only reason I shared this about her Ex’s and current boyfriend is that after I read this article I thought her pattern of choosing similar men (except me) was interesting. And I also think she might have been telling the truth the last time we talked before I ended things for good when she told me “Im not good enough for you”. With her pattern of going back to Ex’s I do worry that she might try and come back in the future.
Any thoughts on this Zan?
Thank you!
Andrew
Hi Andrew.
She indeed has a pattern of going for the same kinds of men. She does this because like attracts like. She hasn’t developed herself to the point where she could meet someone better and be in a stable relationship. Those who are good, she doesn’t appreciate because she’s not used to them.
I wouldn’t envy her or feel jealous if I were you. I’d stop checking up on her and move forward with my life.
Best,
Zan
I first commented on this post on June 26th, 2022.
I can’t spell this out enough, let your ex live his life whilst you rebuild your’s. It’s taken me 16 months to reach a stage where I honestly don’t care what he’s doing, or who with.
During the past 16 months I’ve spent hours reading blogs like these and Zan’s especially, have helped enormously.
I’ve realised my 23 year relationship with my ex had become a co-dependent one. I relied on him for everything, to the extent I didn’t even know who our utility/insurance providers were. My confidence plummeted over the years and I put up with unacceptable things in our relationship because I was so fearful of it ending and not being able to cope on my own. I was driven by fear of the unknown. Then due to a number of issues within the family he left me. At the age of 59 I was forced to take control of my life, and I did.
Your pride when your ex dates someone straight after your breakup will take a hit. It might feel worse if he appears to ‘downgrade’ but you need to remember your ex has his own reasons/issues for dating who he does.
Don’t get me wrong, if you share children and they tell you how ‘bad’ their dad’s new relationship is and it’s affecting them (even if young adults) try to be adult in speaking out (and you will want to say something if your children are being hurt/disrespected by the new GF). Your ex won’t take kindly from being ‘told’ how awful his new GF is, whether she is or not, it’s his choice who he dates.
The best thing for you (dumpee) is to take as much time as you need to re-discover who you are, and what you want in a relationship.
I was with my ex for 23 years and our sex life had extinguished. Not on my part, on his, and he had rebuked me on the last occasions I tried to initiate sex. I know this was mainly due to his unhappiness, in himself, with his lack of success in life (professional/financial) and ultimately with me. But I couldn’t say anything because he didn’t want to discuss it and having a temper, I knew he’d storm off and I’d become anxious and fearful. So in time, I just learnt to accept this way of life.
A failed relationship doesn’t make YOU a failure. Walk with your head held high and carry a smile on your face and love in your heart – for yourself and all your family and friends who love you for being YOU.
Hi Beverley.
Thanks for sharing your experience and tips. Codependence takes time to detox from. I’m glad you were able to rebuild your worth from the ground up and focused on your kids and those who deserved your attention. My advice is to stay physically and emotionally away from your ex. He seems resentful and incapable of not taking criticism so personally. That’s his problem, not yours.
I think that as time goes on, he’ll start to realize that he got into another unhealthy relationship and that it’s affecting him and those around him.
Stay strong, Beverley!
Zan
Hey Zan,
Me and my ex were together for nearly 4 years (even got married on paper to move to countries). In the end she cheated on me (even though she claims she never did). I am 37 but look young for my age, and take care of myself physically, and she is 22, very beautiful, and her teacher was 54, and a bit heavier and not attractive. She always had a thing for older guys but it blew my mind she could do this. After she moved out she tried reconciling with me, we even went to couple counseling a few times, but in the end I caught her lying multiple times and ended up blocking her. Later she messaged me through instagram which I didn’t block her on but we don’t follow each other. It was basically a breakup message that she has changed and needs different things in life. I was already moving on and instead of arguing just wished her health and happiness in her life. A week later she messaged me that she couldn’t get me out of her brain and I just replied sarcastically as I knew it was just an empty breadcrumb.
Anyways, fast forward almost two months later we hadn’t spoken. I have been dating several girls, and I guess word got to her that I had a girlfriend (even though I am just casually dating). I had one of the girls over at my place last Wednesday and we were about to leave to go eat when she told me someone was banging on my window. The girl went in my room and I opened the window and it was my Ex. She wanted to know if she received a package her friend sent her. She hasn’t lived with me in over 6 months so I think it is BS her friend would send a package to my address. She started asking me how I am and said she heard I had a GF. I told her I don’t but I am dating. She then said that is too bad because we could have went on a double date because she has a boyfriend. Then she insisted on showing me a picture of him. I told her I don’t care and that I am busy, but she pulled out her phone anyways. First thing she showed me was her riding in a convertible. I was like okay… and then she showed me a pic of the two of them. He is older, in his 40’s and not very attractive. She then said all her friends say he looks like me to which I laughed. She lingered at my window, tried explaining the breakup, and asking if I still did the things that bothered her like drinking and playing video games (all of which I quit while we were still in a relationship). I just acted very indifferent and nodded to most of her statements. She tried flirting with me a bit and I eventually told her, look I know you are still in love with me but you need to move on. She became very defensive at that statement. I told her to wrap it up because I had to leave and then she asked if I could come out side. I told her no, there is no reason too and said I have to go.
The whole thing left me extremely confused. The girl I had over heard the whole thing and said she sounded crazy. She said my ex is still in love with me, but if that is true why would she come over just to tell me about her new boyfriend? She is the one that ended things and now she has downgraded (well maybe not in the money department, but I don’t know for sure). My only thought is she is a narcissist who feels like she lost control over me and is trying to see if I still care. Would love to hear your thoughts (sorry it was long winded…)
Thanks
Hi Shin.
Your ex had feelings for you and wanted to make you jealous (react in ways that would validate her). She showed you her boyfriend because things weren’t going very well for them. She probably couldn’t connect with him, so she showed you something else she could brag about and bring a reaction out of you. It’s up to you if you still trust her. But in my opinion, she’s very young and lacks experience. I would be careful because she hasn’t lowered her pride, admitted to making a huge mistake, and wanting to fix things.
Sincerely,
Zan
My partner of 23 years left me in January. We’d both been unhappy due to the stresses of family life (two teenage daughters). We’d both had mental health issues and he called our relationship toxic. We hadn’t had sex in over 8 years but when I tried to last initiate sex he said he felt emasculated. Like a lot of couples I’d hoped things would improve…
After leaving and following a post on a local neighbour website about healthy eating cookery classes he hooked up with a woman one week after leaving us.
He never told us (importantly our daughters) about this new ‘lady friend’ (as he called her) who he moved in, along with her 7 year old son and dog due to being evicted.
When confronted with this ‘friend’ 3 months later at my exes home my 18 year old daughter asked her dad that the friend leave the room.
The friend stormed out the house, demanding respect and shouting she was more important than my daughter. Two days later my ex threw his ‘friend’ out.
She came back the following day and took all the food, toilet rolls, my exes Fixident (he has one tooth denture) bedding and Easter eggs my ex had bought for my daughter and her boyfriend.
My ex told us all he’d kicked her out of his house and life and reassured my daughters he’d never need to see her again.
He recently advised me about all the arseholes out there, and to watch how they speak to their exes on the phone – he confirmed he was talking about her.
Fast forward 2 months (yesterday) and my 18 year old is back to stay with my ex again for a week (I don’t have a third bedroom in my house for her and her boyfriend to stay when visiting from uni) and he tells our daughter he’s going to be helping someone move a fish tank.
I take my daughter back following a family celebration and there’s a car parked on the drive. My daughters boyfriend quips ‘so long as it’s not ******** car.
You’ve guessed it, it was.
My daughter’s walked in to have her dad say he had a guest and would my daughter like to say hello!!!
I ended up collecting my distraught daughter whilst her dad was out helping his ‘friend’. His response to my daughter leaving was shocking, saying she should’ve stayed to talk things through like an adult!!
She did have to go back to stay and lots of heated words were said and texted between me and him last night. He did confirm he was seeing his friend again but the lies and feelings of betrayal towards our two daughters is beyond words. He ended up shouting at me to **** off.
I had been hoping to reconcille at some stage and we’d been getting on well, reconnecting emotionally, although when I broached the subject of getting back together he’d say ‘never again’.
When I left his house last night I asked how he could have such little self respect for himself….I know he felt forced to leave me due to mental health issues but this new ‘friend’ of his vapes (he hates smoking) has bad eating habits and he has put on two stone since leaving! I just don’t get it.
Hi Beverley.
I know you feel betrayed. But rest assured that the relationship your ex has with this person is nothing to be envious of. He’s going to give them a few more tries, but eventually, they’ll break up. This is because they won’t be able to understand each other and change who they are.
I only hope that your daughters and you don’t get too involved in this or it could get messy.
Keep moving on, Beverley. Try to let your ex do what he wants for now.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan, I appreciate your reply and sensible words.
You’re welcome, Beverley.
I hope it helped!
Zan
It certainly did Zan. All your posts are helping me enormously. My confidence and self belief that my life will be good, with or without my ex, has grown enormously. Thank you.
That’s the spirit, Beverley!
You’ve come very far. Make sure to keep working on yourself so that your next relationships will be better.
Kind regards,
Zan
My girl left me after 4 years of nothing but good times. Never even an argument. She is now dating a guy that has signed away the rights to his kids, has been in jail, does drugs, has no teeth, gets jealous, gets physical with his girlfriends, is a drunk and has a DUI.
Hi Steve.
Your ex didn’t value what she had. She took you for granted and has to learn the hard way that the relationship with this person won’t be very easy.
Kind regards,
Zan
I went through very tough times because of his then-ex girlfriend, who was a downgrade rebound for him to get over me. And when he thought I rejected him, he went back to her because she’s easy to get and certainly not any kind of prize catch. I kind of look at it like this: he’s not the most successful I can get. Inheriting money isn’t that big of a deal and I deserve someone truly amazing and outstanding who wouldn’t be with someone as ugly and worthless as her in the first place. I think she’s more on his level: pathetic, passive aggressive, manipulative, not that bright. He’s so easily manipulated by others that it’s hard to respect him. Without any inner compass, what is he? A complete loser. That’s why he can’t get a girl who is a winner. He doesn’t deserve me. I’d take him if he ghosted her and put her in her place for what she did to me, but idk, I can get a multibillionaire. Why settle for just a multimillionaire, you know, and especially one who isn’t even self-made? He’s never really struggled or sacrificed for anything his entire life other than his 2 year ruthless pursuit of me, and he didn’t do that great of a job anyway. Lower tier girls are more in his league. I deserve someone at the very top. The betrayal of this has been pretty revelatory: someone without good judgment and good discernment is never going to amount to much in life. He believed that cum dumpster over me, and that says everything. Too stupid to think for himself, so let him get fleeced by an ugly gold digger. He doesn’t deserve a good woman when he is not a good man. He deserves what he is settling for, roll on the floor laughing. Can you imagine the kind of shell shock he’ll get on Monday morning, and then for the rest of his pathetic life? Either he’ll dump the lying gold digger immediately or he’ll marry her, but either way I come out from this very aware that I want a courageous husband.
Hi Misha.
The law of attraction states that like attracts like. Your ex attracted a person who is more like him in many ways, so don’t be upset with your ex. Pity him instead.
Try to look at it as an opportunity for you to meet someone better suited for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks before our 3 year anniversary. It was a Friday, I drive by on Monday and there’s a car there. I ask him and he says it’s just a friend and wouldn’t talk to me until the following Saturday. The car was there the whole week. On our actual anniversary he took her skydiving. I find out he works with this girl who just got out of an 18 month jail stint. She is a felon and an ex iv drug user. Someone he despises because that’s all he told me about the people that work for this company. Probation always sends people over there to get a job. It’s been 6 weeks and she already moved in
I was with a narcissist for 3 1/2 years – live in for most of that. I moved out because of a very manipulative suicide attempt and the yelling and screaming in front of my children. He had a gaming buddy that he has been friends with for a while (a couple of years)…it wasn’t until the end of the relationship that I became uncomfortable with their friendship and even verbalized it to him. Even though I moved out to preserve what we had left he refused to go to counseling to try and salvage the good we did have and eventually broke it off with me saying I took his money, I took his home away from him, etc. etc…the money was my paycheck he spoke of. He is on disability and sits at home all day. He blames me for everything, the suicide attempt, the leaving, the taking his home away, breaking up our family, says I was his abuser….well…he immediately starting to date this girl…but wait there is more…she lives up in Canada and is on gov assistance up there. We are farther south in the states. She has more in common with him as far as the gaming but I knew the minute I left he would get with her…..I am just mad at myself for giving him more that I gave anyone else and falling for his BS love bombing in the beginning of our relationship…..I pray he finds happiness with her…but she definitely is a downgrade from me.
My situation is more unique because I am 22 years older than he is, so I own a house, have several college degrees, etc. He works as a security guard and she is a coworker. I am a firm believer your worth as a person is not determined by your finances, education, etc. but in how you treat yourself and your fellow humans. She is frequently dirty and her housekeeping is beyond horrendous. She is married and lives with her husband but dates because she says they don’t have enough money to get divorced.
Last year I worked at a seasonal amusement park for Christmas money and gave him some free tickets he was supposed to use to come see me perform. Believing they were just friends, and knowing her daughter would enjoy it, I suggested he bring her and her daughter. Lo and behold, the one night they could get off together was the one night I had a conflict and wasn’t going to be at work. I showed up after my commitment was over and the minute I saw her I knew she was on a date even if he wasn’t. He left me a month later.(That it was a date has been confirmed by a mutual friend. The ex came into his store with the new gf. Our friend let him have it for dating new her while he was still living with me. Ex tried to deny it was a date. New gf said, “Yes, it was. Stop lying to yourself.”)
They are together now. I took a legal document that arrived for him after he moved out to where he was working. He didn’t say one word to me. Not hello. Not thank you. Nothing. I was so furious I fired off an email where I pointed out that not only did I deserve better treatment but also that he had cheated on me in every way but sexually. (He did save that for after we broke up.) In addition, he was with a woman who not only dates a man with a girlfriend but LETS THE GIRLFRIEND FUND THE DATE.
So while I have trouble believing in “upgrade” and “downgrade” I’m pretty confident that I, as an ethical human who keeps myself and my environment clean, am superior to her. And I still love the worthless SOB that left me for her, God help me.
I was dating a narcissist for 3 looooooong years. Hopefully most of you understand what it’s like to be with one. Anyway, this man didn’t have a job, A Car, anywhere to live no license no job nothing. But he had a clever excuse for all of that. Long story short I provided everything for him, I completely spoiled this man. He ended up stealing from me, I kicked him out. He ended up finding someone a month after we split, she is just like him, she has nothing, no car, no job blah blah blah. It’s definitely a downgrade and I just don’t get it. I guess she’s just a rebound.
Hi Cheri.
Thanks for commenting.
I hope your life has improved since the breakup and that you’ve managed to find happiness once again.
Best,
Zan
I was in a crazy toxic live-in relationship with a man(child) for 2 years. Because I was his world and his rock (codependent)….do you see where I am going with this? He was a major covert narcisisst. Anyways a break up was inevitable and that’s a story for another day but just 2 weeks after our breakup my ex stared dating a little person ( a dwarf). I realize that this is a person so please do not judge me but the truth is I get amazing feedback and I am well secure in my physical beauty but I was mortifies and felt humiliated beyond belief. My ego kicked in big time. He told me that the reason he did it was because she was buying him and he needed the attention and that she could not get any better and she was completely in love with him. Unfortunately this person has now suffered a major heartbreak because he was using her for a rebound and for someone to make him feel good. The ex now wants me back but I can not get over what he did and who he did it with. I am not a shallow person by nature but this to me just was a total slap in the face. I was good to this man and it was his actions that cause all the issues which led to us breaking up in the first place.
Hi Mar.
I understand your situation.
In your case, it might not be best to rekindle your relationship. Not until your ex (and you) have improved your negative patterns.
As for your fears about what he did, try not to be concerned about them. They are irrelevant and totally pointless when you really think about it.
Best,
Zan
My ex is dating a guy from my social circle (we go out together every week, we are good friends). She was quite depressed for 6 months and hasn’t had any luck with love after me. Everyone is shocked and people were laughing when they found out because, not to be rude or anything, he is probably the least attractive guy from my group. Not to mention that she is definitely his first girlfriend, we have never seen him even make out with a girl before, so he is not experienced. He is quite similar to me physically, but not really mentally.
The thing is, they are keeping it a secret from me. He told all the guys about it except for me, and claims he is not seeing anyone when i am in their company, but once i am not, he is always talking about her and showing them messages.
What would you do in this situation? Thanks for the help.
Hi Twist.
There’s not much you can do other than being your best self all the time. Show her you’re still and always will be her best option.
It’s up to her to realize your worth.
If she doesn’t, however, it’s her loss.
Stay strong and keep improving!
Best regards,
Zan
My ex did something of a combination between gigs and rebounding. The woman seemed ok at first and has since proven to be pretty much full of drama. She is a poor excuse for a therapist, and has intentionally caused issues between him and his friends, by telling him in a “therapeutic way” that they aren’t high value and don’t care enough about him, which is absolutely not true. I don’t think he sees these things though.
I am a very grounded woman and continue to be so even during the breakup and since then. She may have appeared to be in the beginning, but her true colors are showing, I just don’t think he sees them. It is much worse than even the little I am telling, but yeah, she is a bit of a cray cray.
Hi JMak.
Thanks for the comment.
Your ex had made the decision to date this girl so it’s only a matter of time before he sees her for who she is. And when he does, boy will your value skyrocket.
Stay strong,
Zan
My ex moved on this weekend we only broke up 6 weeks ago.
She has said she was over us 12 months ago.
I have been going through some tough stuff and had been quite withdrawn and moody.
I take full responsibility for that and wish it never happened.
But when we did split it was fast.
I am still living with her as a boarder for another 10 days.
That was to help her to keep the house I do not think she realizes how much me staying helped and I wanted to leave asap so hopefully I was missed.
Anyway she has a new man and he was going out with her Sister for a while.
He is a pot smoker heavy and has anger issues.
She has 3 children 2 girls and a son.
I can see this being a disaster as he looks dirty and also has no money and no job.
She seems over the moon.
I still love her and am trying to put on the bravest face.
I already did not like the guy at all from when he went with the sister.
so here goes.
I am still in the friend zone and he will not like that so any tips? ideas?