No contact works, but it doesn’t always work in ways or as fast as dumpees want it to work. Sometimes no contact takes years before dumpers reach out. That’s because dumpers need time to focus on themselves, fail at something important to them, and realize they have no one but themselves to blame. They can’t blame their ex when they don’t even interact with their ex.
Failure, followed by a realization and pain makes them shift the blame onto themselves and see their ex differently. Quickly, they improve their perception of their ex and may even redevelop respect, feelings, and commitment. It’s a shame that something bad must happen before they discover their ex’s worth and want to be with their ex again.
I suppose they must change their perception of themselves and need their ex’s help first. When they don’t know how to deal with issues and be happy, they consider their ex a worthy romantic investment. Until then, they keep their distance and self-prioritize.
They don’t reach out or reach out to reconcile because they don’t need their ex to be successful and happy.
Therefore, no contact does work, but it doesn’t work within the set timeframe. It’s unlikely that your ex will experience something difficult within 30, 45, or even 60 days. Your ex will probably need much longer (at least 3 months). It will likely take longer because your ex will first have to process feelings of suffocation, anger, and pride and stop feeling relieved.
No contact is indefinite. It ends only when the dumper encounters issues he or she lacks the strength, skills, and willpower to resolve. That’s when no contact actually works as it finally gives the dumpee a chance to reconnect emotionally. Of course, it’s not just no contact alone that works. Time on its own doesn’t do much other than let the dumper cool off and enjoy space.
It’s the negative experience without the dumpee that forces the dumper to open his or her eyes and see his or her and the dumpee’s true worth.
The reason why no contact often seems ineffective is because dumpees lack patience, self-esteem, validation, and love. They’re tired of hurting and want positive results right away. They don’t want to wait months or years just to hear from their ex and receive another chance.
Dumpees want another chance yesterday – while they’re hurt the most. If they don’t get it quickly, they may lose faith in no contact and break it. That sets them back emotionally and makes them more desperate for attention and love.
So does no contact actually work?
No contact always does what it’s meant to do – heal your wounds. It helps you detach to the point where you get yourself back and see things from a clear perspective. It doesn’t always, however, bring the dumper back. That’s because no contact isn’t a magic cure to breakup problems.
It’s merely a respect-giving and respect-preserving technique meant to give your ex as much time as he or she needs to enjoy post-breakup freedom and get in trouble. If/when the dumper gets in trouble, he or she may get hurt, especially if he or she lacks the tools to deal with problems.
If you’re counting on no contact to bring your ex back, you’re essentially hoping for something bad to change your ex’s mind. You’re waiting for your ex to run into a problem that forces him or her to think back and realize he or she had an easier or more fulfilling life with you. You need to understand that your ex can’t realize this in a week or two after the breakup unless your ex takes a huge risk by getting involved with someone else.
A highly incompatible romantic interest could disappoint, shock, and hurt your ex so much that he or she comes running back for forgiveness and safety. Another person could destroy your ex’s high expectations, self-confidence, and ego and leave your ex no choice but to seek reassurance from you.
No contact can work when it comes to reconciliation, but it needs more than time. It also requires the dumper to be capable of reflecting, growing, forgiving, and searching for help from a person he or she is familiar with. Of course, not all dumpers do that. Those who have a victim mentality, poor perceptions of exes, and those who deal with problems independently and don’t believe in second chances with exes often stay away from dumpees even when things get tough.
They don’t feel the need to rely on their exes because their beliefs and personality don’t allow them to. I suppose no contact or any other technique can’t bring back their lost feelings and change their mind.
A lot of things have to go right (or wrong, depending on perspective) for dumpers to return to a former partner. They must not only be the type of people to go back to exes, but they must also get unlucky. Yes, luck, or the lack thereof is a big part of the reconciliation process.
If dumpers meet the right person after leaving their ex, they may not feel regretful and nostalgic. They may think to themselves they’re much happier and that they should have left their ex a long time ago.
However, if they meet the wrong person, the chances of going back to their ex are much higher. That’s because they might get hurt, question their decisions and worth, become nostalgic, and crave validation.
Pain and unhappiness are the main reasons dumpers come back. They motivate if not force dumpers to stop running away from problems and start facing them. When they face them and realize they can’t handle them as well as they thought they would, they remember their ex and the times when they were happier.
Comparisons between the present and the past cause them to have an epiphany and gravitate toward the person they abandoned.
So if you want to know whether no contact actually works, remember that it works when you go no contact early (avoid smothering and annoying your ex), do no contact on a mature ex or ex capable of maturing, and wait in no contact indefinitely. It can work if the dumper hits a snag and learns the lessons he or she needs to learn.
You need a bit of luck as your ex must encounter problems bigger than he or she can handle.
Your ex is unlikely to come back solely because you were a good person. Sure, your personality or rather, the intensity of the relationship matters, but so do the issues he or she faces without you. If your ex can’t handle those issues, he or she may see you as a reliable and equal partner.
Today, we’ll explore whether no contact actually works. Enjoy reading.
Does no contact actually work to get an ex back?
No contact can work when certain conditions are met. This is when things go awry for the dumper and compel him or her to think about the past. If during reflection the dumper realizes he or she was happier with the dumpee, the dumper then regrets his or her decisions and behaviors and wants to reconnect.
It sounds simple, but not all dumpers reflect, grow, and want their ex back. Many dumpers stay as they are maturity-wise because they’re incapable of meaningful reflection and dissociating negative beliefs from their ex. They like to hold their ex responsible for the breakup because doing so victimizes and empowers them. It tells them they weren’t at fault and that they made the right decision.
You see, it takes a certain type of person to evolve, let go of the past, and want the dumpee back. The dumper must be open to criticism, forgiveness, help, and change—and understand that he or she made mistakes too. No one’s perfect. If the dumper understands this, he or she may forgive the dumpee’s mistakes when his or her happiness is on the line.
So bear in mind that no contact works when the dumper is the type of person who can let go of bad memories and move forward. Such a person will likely breadcrumb you, ask for friendship or friendship with benefits, or want you back when difficulties arise. The dumper won’t let you go if he or she determines that life has become significantly worse and harder since the breakup.
You can be certain of that.
When your ex is unhappy, the chances of him or her thinking about you (in a positive way) increase tenfold. The dumper will likely remember your good characteristics and happy moments. Of course, unhappiness doesn’t guarantee reconciliation, but it’s still your best bet.
If your ex is happy, you probably won’t hear from your ex, let alone get back with him or her. Your ex will probably stay busy and in control of his or her emotions and life.
So don’t think that no contact is supposed to work just because you’re diligently following it. There are many conditions for the success of this rule. Other than leaving your ex alone, your ex also needs to get in a pickle and be capable of rediscovering and craving your romantic worth.
When your ex understands what you bring to the table and wants it for him/herself, your ex will break no contact and show you how much you mean to him or her. But until then, your ex will show no interest in being with you. Your ex won’t give you any love because there won’t be any love to give.
Your ex will continue to do things that make him or her happy.
A lack of happiness is the main thing that could incentivize your ex to change the path he or she is currently on.
I know it’s hard to trust no contact, but you shouldn’t tell yourself that no contact will definitely bring your ex back. No contact doesn’t have a 100% chance of success. Every dumpee’s chance of reattracting the person they love is different. Those who beg and plead for months have a much smaller chance of ending up with their ex than dumpees who enter no contact immediately and avoid making breakup mistakes.
That’s why it’s hard to say if no contact will work for you. You have to look at the whole picture (both your and your ex’s side) and assess the chances of your ex coming back. Another person’s ex may have come back after a certain amount of time, but that doesn’t mean yours will too. It’s impossible to predict if or when your dumper ex will return because your ex’s problems and personality differ from others.
Comparing yourself to others is pointless because your situation is unique. If you expect your ex to come back in the same amount of time as someone else’s ex, you won’t only keep your hopes up and fail to detach, but also handle breadcrumbs poorly when your ex decides to check up on you. You’ll think that your ex regrets leaving when, in reality, he or she just wants to see how you’re doing and assuage guilt.
The strange thing about breakups is that sometimes even angry and mean exes who seem the least likely to come back want their ex back. They process their anger and pain and return because they can’t take care of themselves. They realize they need their ex for their wants and needs and try to get back with their ex as quickly as possible.
Codependent exes often come back even though their character says that they never will. They’re hard to read, so it’s best to think and act as if they won’t come back. Consider them disinterested in giving the relationship another chance and focus on your healing and happiness.
When you focus on yourself long enough, you’ll regain your strength and sense of worth and stop caring about what your ex thinks, feels, wants, and does.
Having said that, here’s when no contact actually works.
What if no contact fails?
In the worst-case scenario, no contact will leave things as they are and allow you to move on and find happiness without your ex. It will show you that you don’t need your ex to love yourself and live a happy life. It might take a while for you to detach and see things from a rational standpoint, but eventually, you’ll see your ex differently.
You’ll see your ex for the person he or she is and wonder why you wanted your ex back and stayed obsessed with your ex for so long. Instead of looking for ways to reattach to your ex, you’ll look for ways to detach. This means you’ll focus on people and things that inspire you to get the most out of life.
Things and people who stress you won’t interest you in the slightest.
My advice is not to look at the lack of no contact success as failure and eternal unhappiness. Look at it as a rare opportunity to take your life in a different direction and invest in areas that need investment. That way, you won’t think you’re unattractive and unworthy of love, but that your ex wasn’t capable of seeing your potential and changing in ways he or she needed to change.
Give it time and you’ll see more negatives in reconciling than positives in reconciling.
If you currently can’t see any negatives in moving backward with an ex, that’s perfectly understandable. It means that your wounds are still fresh and that you crave your ex’s validation and support.
When you’ve made significant emotional progress, you’ll be more rational and see that moving on without your ex helped you:
- avoid thinking negatively about the relationship
- avoid the same problems and wasting your time
- skip out on rebuilding trust and evening out the power dynamics
- focus on your goals and the people who deserve you
You shouldn’t even start no contact without considering the possibility that you might not get your ex back. You have to be realistic or you could stay hopeful and suffer a lot when your ex starts breadcrumbing you or dating someone else. A part of you must accept that you broke up and might not get what you want.
When you can do that, you’ll feel much better because your very existence won’t depend on your ex’s recognition.
So don’t be afraid of no contact failing to reattract your ex. Be afraid of staying dependent on your ex and wasting years of your life. If you waste your time waiting for your ex to return, you could give your ex all your power, slow down your growth, and stay obsessed with your ex for months or years to come.
Consider no contact a technique that increases the chances of reuniting with your ex. However, until things align in your favor, it’s in your best interest to keep moving forward and stay busy and fulfilled.
The better you feel and the stronger you appear, the bigger the chance that your ex will notice you, find you attractive, and want another chance with you.
Still wondering if no contact works? What’s your opinion about no contact? Share it in the comments below.
But if you want to discuss our breakup experience and ways to do no contact with a breakup coach, consider signing up for coaching. We offer plans tailored to your preference, whether through calls, emails, or texts.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
