Working with a romantic partner can be extremely challenging, let alone working with an ex you still love. Every time you arrive at work, you see your ex and get anxious about not feeling prioritized and desired by your ex. Your ex’s presence, disinterested or cold behavior, and lack of affection torment you for hours and make it extremely difficult for you to be yourself and focus on work-related tasks.
All you can think about is reconnecting with an ex you still love and wish you could have the kind of relationship you used to have. Nostalgia constantly messes with your head as it reminds you that you used to have a strong and loving relationship with your ex. You used to get along and feel close and loved.
Now that you broke up, you don’t feel that way anymore. The relationship between you and your ex has become awkward as you no longer communicate naturally. You probably only greet each other when you bump into each other and talk when it’s about work. The lack of communication and changes in dynamics show that your ex doesn’t love you anymore and doesn’t feel empowered by you anymore.
He or she feels smothered and doesn’t know how to communicate and get the space he or she needs.
Breaking up with an ex you still love is difficult because it forces you to see or interact with your ex. It leaves you with no choice but to go where you know your ex will be. You must go to work despite knowing you’ll feel anxious and hope to get back with the person you love.
Work is important, so you must do what’s required of you even if the breakup has sucked the life out of you and made you obsessed with your ex. I suppose you could always take a leave or call in sick, but eventually, you’ll have to return to work. You won’t have enough annual leave to keep avoiding your ex forever.
Dumpees and dumpers typically distance themselves from each other and avoid being reminded of each other. They feel better if they keep their distance and focus on tasks that have nothing to do with the previous relationship. Self-focus allows them to process negative emotions caused by the breakup and encourages them to forget about each other for a while.
By forgetting about the relationship (or thinking less about it), they slowly forgive each other, respect each other, and perhaps even become nostalgic or remorseful. Space lets them process the breakup on their terms and allows them to get back in touch when or if they want to.
Unfortunately, work doesn’t let them do that. It forces them to constantly think about each other and makes them feel uncomfortable. Dumpers feel pressured and scared of being approached by their ex whereas dumpees feel anxious and dread seeing their ex with someone else. They both have their own intrusive thoughts and fears they wouldn’t experience if they didn’t work together.
The solution to working together can be difficult to find. Quitting is an option, but many companies have a notice period of a month or longer. They don’t let their employees quit on the spot, especially for reasons such as breaking up with an ex. If you can quit right away and can survive without work for a while, you probably should do that as you’ll obsess much less and feel much better.
But if you can’t quit or quit that quickly, then you’ll have to learn to work with your ex. You’ll have to minimize interactions with your ex and slowly get used to not being prioritized by your ex. It will take time (probably months or longer), but eventually, your ex will stop bothering you.
How long it takes to heal depends on how close you are to your ex and how much you invested in the relationship.
You’ve likely already noticed that working with your ex will be challenging, to say the least. It will be even more challenging if the coworkers know about your relationship/breakup and pick sides. That will ruin the atmosphere at work and make work difficult for all of you.
This is one of the biggest reasons why companies discourage dating at work. They don’t want couples or ex-couples preoccupied with private matters that don’t belong at work. At work, they want people to be passionate about their tasks and responsibilities. Relationships should be the least of their concern.
So if you’re working with an ex you still love, bear in mind that you’ll have to make some changes. You’ll have to stop treating your ex like a partner and treat him or her as an ex-partner. Consider your ex someone you failed with romantically and a person you must leave alone for a while. A while doesn’t mean a week. It means months or years, depending on who broke up with who, how your ex perceives you, how you feel, and how much time your ex needs to stop feeling uncomfortable and threatened by you.
If your ex left you, your ex probably won’t be ready to talk (about random things) in just a few weeks. A few weeks won’t be enough for your ex to disassociate negativity from your persona and redevelop romantic feelings. They’ll be merely enough for your ex to stop feeling pressured, guilt-tripped, and annoyed by your emotional reactions and expectations.
I couldn’t say how long your ex will need because every situation is different, but your ex will need to spend some time away from you to rediscover your romantic value. Usually, it takes dumpers anywhere between 3 months to a year. The chances of reconciliation decrease (but not disappear) after a year. Exes get back together even years or decades after the breakup.
That’s because they need a lot of time to get in trouble and realize they left a good person.
Anyway, working with an ex you still love won’t be easy. You’ll have to learn to work with your ex until you’ve found another job or gotten over your ex. Again, it’s hard to say how long you’ll stay hung up on your ex, but from what I see, dumpees coming out of a long-term relationship usually need at least half a year. They need much longer if their relationship was serious/intense or if their ex starts dating someone else and making them feel unworthy of love.
What about the dumper?
The dumper has already gotten over you. The dumper lost feelings way before he or she initiated the breakup—and will probably need a few months of silence to stop feeling uncomfortable around you. Some dumpers are ready for friendship right away and offer their ex friendship. They don’t know how much they’ve hurt their ex and that a friendship offer is considered disrespectful by their ex.
Their ex needs space to recover as friendship just makes the dumpee analyze things and gives or destroys his or her hope.
In this post, we’ll explain why working with an ex you still love can be extremely awkward, painful, and difficult. We’ll also discuss what you should do if you have feelings for your ex and feel anxious, scared, and miserable every time you see your ex.
Working with my ex is killing me
Dumpees and dumpers shouldn’t be anywhere near each other after the breakup. They should be doing everything in their power to minimize interactions or avoid them altogether. By keeping their distance, they can regain their identity and emotional independence and become contented without each other.
I understand that a complete separation isn’t always possible. Some exes own a business or work for the same company, some live together, some have kids or other obligations, and some go to the same, school or classes, or hang out with the same group of friends. They’re forced to see each other, or even worse, to interact with each other daily or frequently enough to think and feel unwanted thoughts and emotions.
Their intertwined lives make it challenging if not impossible for them to separate completely and move on from each other. Since they can’t live independently of each other, they get hurt immensely in different ways and wonder how they got into such a mess in the first place.
If working with your ex is killing you, there are a few things you can do when you find a new job and/or hand in your resignation letter. You can (and really should) consider the relationship over and start the no contact rule. You may not be able to do a full no contact rule because your job probably requires you to interact and/or be in the same place as your ex, but partial or limited no contact should still be still doable.
You should be able to talk to your ex only when you must. All other times, you should avoid your ex and detach from him or her.
Your ex will appreciate the space, but so will you. You’ll feel better because you’ll stop having your expectations crushed by the person you love with all your heart. Not knowing what your ex is thinking and feeling may be difficult at times, but the alternative is much worse. If you talk to your ex like nothing happened, your ex’s disinterested, cold, or mean responses will make you feel rejected and hurt your self-esteem.
They’ll tell you that your ex truly is done with the relationship and that he or she no longer wants to reciprocate your efforts and feelings.
So instead of wasting your time by staying in touch with your ex and trying to make your ex love you again, cut your ex off and give yourself a chance to fall back in love with yourself. Prioritize your hobbies, interests, and healing over the temptation to impress your ex and obtain your ex’s validation. I know that validation is important to you and that you’d do anything to make your ex see your potential, but there are other ways to make yourself feel good.
Other ways may not be as empowering as your ex’s presence and love, but they’ll still help you immensely. They’ll show you that your ex isn’t the only thing that matters in your life. Some other ways to feel good about yourself include hanging out with friends and family, talking to a therapist or someone who listens, journaling your feelings and problems, and pursuing your goals and dreams.
As long as your dreams are unrelated to your ex, you’ll slowly wean off your ex and find your purpose and joy in life.
So start the no contact rule as soon as possible and get busy with your life. The busier you are, the less time you’ll have to think about your ex when you get home from work. Make sure to also work on yourself because your improvements will help you stop blaming yourself for your mistakes. They’ll help you disassociate yourself from the mistakes you’ve made and allow you to acknowledge your achievements and positive traits.
Whatever you do, don’t continue to interact with your ex. By all means, say hi when you run into your ex, but don’t try to be friends with your ex. Friendship with an ex-partner can’t make you happy and work in your favor. Not when one person still has feelings and the other doesn’t. Friendship makes things more complicated because it keeps your ex close to you and gives you false hope and anxiety.
So if you’re working with an ex you still love, don’t expect your pain to magically disappear. It will disappear only if you respect the breakup and take your ex’s ability to hurt you away. This means no talking to your ex about non-work related matters. Communicate only when work requires you to.
When it doesn’t require you, your main task is to detach from your ex and learn to rely on yourself for happiness. If you do no contact, you’ll slowly stop analyzing everything your ex says and does and stop expecting your ex to save you from your problems and pain. You’ll stop depending on your ex for your emotional needs because you’ll rely on yourself and have better people and things to keep yourself busy with.
With that said, here’s why working with an ex you still love is so difficult.
In the future, avoid dating your colleagues. Not only are relationship problems likely to hinder your productivity at work, but they’ll also complicate your relationship with your partner at home. The time you spend together at work will reduce the curiosity and excitement after work.
Consider these drawbacks before you start dating someone at your job.
Remember that working with a partner or family member can be extremely difficult and that only the most developed individuals can separate work from the relationship and spend 8 -16 hours together every day without taking each other for granted. Such couples are usually in a long-term relationship and understand each other’s importance.
Quit working with your ex
If you love your ex, you must stop working with your ex. Quitting your job because of the breakup won’t make you look weak. It will make you look and feel strong because you’ll distance yourself from someone who rejected and invaldated you. Your ex will respect you more because you’ll respect yourself and gather the strength to put yourself (not your ex) first.
Eventually, you might stop being hurt by your ex’s lack of romantic interest, but it would take far too long to reach that point. It takes dumpees months to stop thinking highly of their ex and getting hurt. This depends on their self-esteem. If it was their first relationship and they didn’t love themselves, they could stay hurt because of their ex for a year or longer.
You don’t want to be miserable at work for a year. A year of anxiety and underperformance is bad for your career, growth, and recovery. It would make you think about your ex way too much and prevent you from moving on and finding someone who appreciates you.
So even though it’s a hassle to quit work because of someone who left you, know that it will help you a lot. Not seeing your ex and being in the same place as your ex for hours every day will free you from constant overthinking, anxiety, and pain. It will return your lost power and let you be in control of your life.
As a dumpee, you need to stay away from your dumper ex. You need to put in some extra effort to keep your ex out of sight and mind. When your ex is gone physically, it’s only a matter of time before he or she exits your life mentally and emotionally as well. Ask anyone who’s broken up with a coworker and they’ll tell you that changing jobs, shifts, departments, or locations was the best decision they ever made.
It’s better to not think about your ex all the time if you have a choice not to.
If for some reason you can’t quit working with an ex you still love, then you’ll just have to stick with the limited no contact rule. Talk to your ex only when necessary and work on detaching and letting go of hope. It will take longer to recover, but eventually, you should get your ex out of your system and get emotionally ready for a new romantic opportunity.
Also, keep in mind that if your ex doesn’t talk to you (avoids you) at work, your ex doesn’t feel happy with the situation either. Your ex feels uncomfortable and doesn’t know how to act as an ex. He or she might quit him/herself when a better opportunity presents itself.
All in all, working with an ex you love is tough for you and your ex. It’s best to look for ways to increase the physical distance so that you can have the emotional independence you need to achieve your own happiness and goals. The sooner you stop working together, the quicker you’ll recover and feel like yourself again.
Are you working with an ex you still love? Do you want your ex back or just move on? Share your intentions in the comments section below.
And if you’d like to talk with us, feel free to subscribe to personal coaching. We offer texting, calling, and emailing services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
