Thinking About Sending Long Messages To Get Your Ex Back?

Long messages to get your ex back

Oftentimes, dumpees contemplate sending long messages to their ex with the intention to get their ex back. They think that if they pour their hearts out and explain their reasons for behaving in certain ways, their ex will understand them better and see how much they care about the relationship.

They believe they can reason with their detached ex and talk their way back into the relationship.

Boy are they wrong. Sooner than later, they learn that letters, poems, and paragraphs of text don’t reignite their ex’s feelings but that they smother their ex and solidify their ex’s reasons for leaving.

Long texts aren’t considerate, respectful, and caring gestures. Most dumpers see them as obsessive, desperate, and unsolicited moves incited by separation anxiety, fear, and desire for validation and safety.

Dumpers don’t want to read what their ex has realized and how badly their ex has messed up. They just want to be heard and left alone. Space lets them be free and process the breakup in dumper ways—whereas messages (especially long ones) suffocate them and make them want to change their numbers and hide.

Dumpees need to understand that dumpers don’t want, nor need to see how their ex is doing and what he or she is working on. They don’t want to be reminded about the breakup and feel like they’re the bad people for abandoning the relationship.

If they think they’re responsible for dumping their ex and causing their ex problems, they may feel guilty and tempted to string their ex along until they’ve managed to relieve their guilty conscience.

If they get tired of feeling bad all the time, they could also explode at their ex and/or ignore or block their ex.

There’s no telling what dumpers will do when they feel trapped in an uncomfortable situation and overwhelmed by emotions they can’t control.

But one thing is clear. They won’t like your long messages that intend to get them back. Even if there’s no begging involved, your actions will reveal that you have expectations of your ex, otherwise, you wouldn’t have reached out, sent a long message, and talked about emotions, regrets, and self-improvement.

You would have gotten closure already, left your ex to his or her devices (gone no contact), and moved on.

Since you’re thinking about sending long messages to get your ex back, bear in mind that you won’t get your ex back with honesty and determination alone. If it was that easy to convince the dumper to take you back, most dumpers would write pages of logical justifications and watch their ex run back to them.

They’d get the person they love back simply because they want to.

Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Your ex won’t come back just because you’ve identified your mistakes and worked on them. Your ex will come back only if you preserve your worth (not show you depend on him or her), move forward with your life, accept your mistakes and flaws, and live with regrets and mistakes.

It’s just not attractive to give the dumper all your power and throw yourself at his or her mercy. Most dumpers will think less of you if you force yourself into their lives and talk about things that don’t concern them.

They’ll see that you’re not doing okay emotionally and that you could say or do things that make their lives miserable.

So keep in mind that there’s no such thing as long messages to get your ex back. There are only long messages that your ex hasn’t asked for and that will swamp him or her with unpleasant feelings. Feelings that will hinder your ex from redeveloping love and wanting you back urgently even if things go south on his or her end.

It’s simple. The more you suffocate your ex now that your ex doesn’t want you back, the less attractive you will look when your ex fails badly and wants someone familiar to validate him or her and alleviate his or her suffering.

If you explain how much love you have for your ex and what you’re prepared to do to fight for the broken relationship, your ex will put you in the crazy/desperate category and refuse to acknowledge your good traits.

He or she will focus on the bad ones and treat you no better than you treat yourself.

You must never let an ex think you’re desperate for love. No person, let alone an ex wants to see you oppose his or her views and feelings.

In a relationship, fighting for love may be attractive and commendable, but in a breakup, it comes off as needy, desperate, and weak. An ex will sense that you’re writing long messages to receive love rather than to accept the breakup and do what’s best for both parties, not just you.

If you do just what’s best for you, it will be seen as a selfish, disrespectful gesture no matter how rational and nice your words appear to be.

Someone who wants something from you but doesn’t care about your feelings is only thinking about his or her wants and needs. He or she doesn’t care about your decisions, beliefs, and feelings.

Hence, you must start to care about your ex’s choices. Respect your ex and show your ex you have the strength to let him or her go without explaining yourself.

If your ex didn’t ask for an explanation, don’t give it to your ex, period. Wait until he or she has questions for you and wants a reason to trust you with his or her heart again.

When your ex trusts you romantically, your ex will ask you all sorts of things. And the strangest thing about it is that your ex won’t even care about the past. He or she will want to know about your present.

That means your long messages won’t affect your ex in ways you want them to. They won’t impress your ex because your ex has made up his or her mind and has a certain perception of you. This perception of you will need much more than a bunch of long messages to change. It will need something that makes your ex see that he or she isn’t happy and won’t be happy without you.

This can be anything that shows your ex he or she underestimated you and overestimated his or her ability to deal with life problems without you.

In this post, we discuss why you’re thinking about sending long messages to get your ex back and what you should do instead of sending these messages.

Can long messages get your ex back?

If you’re thinking about sending long messages to get your ex back, you should forget it. Messages, whether they’re short or long are unlikely to reattract your ex and bring back lost feelings. They’re much more likely to push your ex into a corner, trigger your ex’s repressed feelings, and worsen your ex’s perception of you.

That’s because texts, emails, letters, calls, and in-person conversations are unsolicited and initiated entirely by you. Your ex doesn’t need them to process the breakup and move forward.

They’re something you need to express yourself and feel understood. You want to talk about the relationship and the breakup because doing so eases your anxiety and pain. It makes you regain some control over the situation.

Always remember that your feelings and problems don’t concern your ex even half as much as they concern you. Your ex has different priorities, wants, and needs. And your ex will continue to have them as long as your ex feels suffocated and lacks respect and/or feelings for you.

If you send your ex long heartfelt messages, expecting your ex to fall back in love with you on your terms, you’re not considering your ex’s side of the story. You’re forgetting that your ex doesn’t want to open his or her heart up to you and give the relationship another try.

The moment your ex sees that you’re trying to lower his or her guard and get him or her to develop feelings again, your ex will feel disrespected and tell or show you that you’re overstepping his or her boundaries.

That will make you feel rejected again and cause you immense pain and suffering. It will invalidate your efforts, self-improvement, and who you are as a person.

So don’t take a shot in the dark by sending your ex long messages. They don’t have to be romantic, nostalgic, demanding, negative, or persuasive to trigger unhealthy feelings in your ex. They just have to be unsolicited, long, or the opposite of what your ex expects from you.

Remind yourself that every time your ex hears from you and sees how you feel or want to feel, your ex feels pressured and uncomfortable. He or she feels extremely eager to respond emotionally and run away from you.

Although some exes come back despite receiving long messages from their ex, most exes don’t. Most exes get annoyed with their ex and stop responding and talking to their ex. Those who come back because of a long text message (or messages) were going to come back sooner than later anyway because they never lost feelings.

They just wanted their ex to give them attention and admit their wrongdoings. Such relationships are prone to breaking up again because they experience a power imbalance.

With that said, here’s why you shouldn’t send long messages to your ex.

Don't send long messages to get your ex back

What should I do then?

Getting back together isn’t about taking responsibility and getting the dumper to forgive you. It’s about giving the dumper space to think about you and need you when something big goes wrong. A great failure or misfortune can incentivize the dumper to engage in meaningful reflection and realize that you were and can be a problem solver, love giver, and security provider.

You shouldn’t send a short message and remind your ex you’re still around just because a long one is unlikely to work.

Instead of pestering your ex and embarrassing yourself, send your ex the message that you’re doing fine and that you don’t need him or her to love yourself and move on with your life. You can do that by going/staying in no contact and taking care of yourself.

Your ex will appreciate your silence and self-respect. He or she may even become curious about you and check your social media profiles. If your ex sees that you’re in control of your emotions and that you love yourself more than you love him or her, your ex could reach out and try to get something from you.

Something like validation, information, forgiveness, support, or entertainment.

No matter how tempted you feel to overwhelm your ex with long messages, remember that your ex doesn’t want your messages. He or she wants to recover from the breakup and live a guilt-free life. Your ex will be able to do that when you leave him or her alone long enough for him or her to feel safe and ready to communicate with you.

When your ex is ready, your ex will come to you and start a conversation. He or she will initiate long conversations and might even want to get back together. Until then, keep your hopes low and let your ex be the one to put the effort in.

He or she dumped you, so your ex must come back and fix the trust that he or she broke.

You can’t be the one to send long messages and attempt to get back together. The dumper should do that to return stolen power and restore balance.

Are you still thinking about sending long messages to get your ex back? Do you know anyone who got back with an ex because of long messages? Share your breakup story below.

And if you want to talk to us about the breakup, click here to learn more about our services.

8 thoughts on “Thinking About Sending Long Messages To Get Your Ex Back?”

  1. ahhh Zan! from all the tops that you give me and I followed them all, beside this! And you got me that I was so broke so i give my ex a long long message but in the best way possible. And yes as you predicted I never got answer, but i did it for myself, and wasn’t a needy message.

    but i’m so grateful how much you helped me to become this person that i’m today and it’s all thanks to you Zan

    1. My pleasure, Linda.

      Maybe it’s better that you didn’t hear from him. His silence prevented you from overanalyzing and allowed you to keep moving forward.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  2. Haha, I feel called out in this post. At first after the breakup I just wanted to give her my thoughts and opinions and that I wanted to see if it could be salvaged (I mean, I got her thoughts and opinions at the breakup, telling me the things I did wrong) I wanted her to know in what aspects I would have expected more from her in order for the breakup not to occur. I was left with silence.
    The bad things came a few weeks later when I found out about her monkeybrancing, that’s when I got desperate. Sent her paragraphs of text, met up with her once to explain my thoughts, even tried to hang have some contact with her son and play some online computer games (We had always had a great connection and I didn’t want to loose that connection, and I wanted to feel like I still mattered to someone). For a little bit over a week I acted like this and was met by silence/stonewalling. A year into no contact and I have cut ties, I don’t expect or want to hear from them. A very small part of me might consider a reconciliation if it ever came to that, but she would have to chose her words and behaviour very carefully. But the bigger part of me just thinks I wouldn’t touch her with a 10 feet pole even if we were the last two people on earth.

    1. Hi Gordon.

      The fact that you don’t depend on her and want her back is a very good sign. It shows you’ve detached from her and changed your opinion of her as a person. If she comes back, you need to be very careful. Don’t take he back just because she broke your heart and destroyed your self-esteem. Make sure she’s done the work and that she regrets causing you pain. Monkey-branching is a serious offense.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  3. I have been doing exactly the wrong things for 14 months knowing it was wrong. After 10 years together and living together for 7 I was monkey branched and abandoned. I have seen her once in that time and only because she was in crisis. Truthfully she was too intoxicated to have an intelligent conversation. I have been breadcrumbed for almost a year. Not sure if I already blew it and thinking I have but I am now in no contact and although it’s only been a few weeks it had to start somewhere. She is constantly on my mind and has been since she walked out with no warning. Although I was wronged in the worst way I still carry my love for her. Hanging by a thread but I’m doing okay. Hopefully the feelings fade and I can fully move on. I’m just trying to find my purpose again but at 65 years old it’s not easy. Thank you so much Zan. I am tearing up while writing this. It makes me feel less of a man but loving someone is never wrong in my opinion. God bless everyone out there who is in the same kind of pain.

    1. Hi Tony.

      No contact will heal your wounds. Stay in it and you’ll feel your health and happiness return to you. It’s a slow process, so trust it and find a few new hobbies and things you enjoy. You’ll recover faster if you live with purpose.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  4. One day I just went dark. After trying and finding the truth I just gave up to the point in changed numbers and blocked all emails. It was then that eventually led to a reconciliation. The replacement turned out to be an idiot and I guess she realized I was pretty darn good to her.

    Sometimes I regret taking that first email, but here I am.

    Just go dark. Do zero.

    1. Hi DT.

      Thanks for sharing your success story, DT. It looks like she just needed to fail romantically with someone else to realize your worth.

      Best,
      Zan

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