Due to their avoidant nature, avoidants can be hard to read. They tend to stay away from people (especially their exes) unless they feel a strong need for intimacy and connection. Only a strong desire to get close to their ex can urge them to temporarily overcome their difficulty in expressing strong feelings.
Most of the time, they don’t reach out to their ex and confide in him or her. Their attachment style doesn’t let them lower their guard and be vulnerable around the person they left. They also don’t want to give their ex the wrong idea – that they want to get back together, so they keep their feelings to themselves and keep their distance from their ex.
Avoidant attachment dumpers have a hard time trusting their ex with their feelings. They don’t want their ex to see their feelings as a weakness and an opportunity to talk and bond. Talking and bonding overwhelm them and trigger their avoidant tendencies. That’s why they do everything in their power to focus on themselves and things that distract them.
Distractions help them avoid having doubts, fears, and other unwanted feelings and give them a sense of control.
So if your ex is an avoidant and you’re looking for signs that he or she misses you, remember that your ex probably won’t contact you and directly reveal that he or she has been missing your personality and presence. It’s much more likely that your ex will stay away from you and indirectly reveal that he or she still thinks about you and misses non-romantic parts of the relationship that made him or her happy.
How your avoidant ex shows nostalgia, guilt, shame, and other difficult emotions depends on your ex’s personality, but you can probably expect your ex to reach out occasionally and talk about things you’re not interested in. Your ex might ask for friendship and try to get you to talk about random moments from the past.
He or she could do this to see how receptive you are, learn more about your new life, and value the past.
Every avoidant person feels differently and wants different things. It’s not just the dumper’s avoidant tendencies that decide whether he or she misses you, but also the quality of the relationship and how things ended. If things ended badly (if there was lots of yelling and shouting), he or she probably won’t miss you, at least for a while.
The dumper will likely feel so angry and hurt that he or she will blame you for things you’re not even responsible for. By doing so, the dumper will justify his or her feelings and actions—and focus on the present and future rather than the past.
There’s no universal explanation for whether, when, and how your ex will miss you, but if you’re dealing with an avoidant (someone who feels detached and doesn’t get very close to people emotionally), you’re probably wasting your time. Waiting for an avoidant ex to give you the validation you crave is unproductive and emotionally draining.
You’ll probably recover from the breakup before you see signs that your avoidant ex misses you romantically and wants you back in his or her life. I’m not saying avoidant exes don’t miss their exes, but they aren’t very open about it. They don’t feel love-like emotions as strongly as other people, so they’re often able to hide them.
Many of them have scars and trust issues from the past and consider emotions their weakness. Especially men who grew up with emotionally distant parents. Such men often develop the belief that sharing their feelings makes them vulnerable and that it’s not an option.
Anyway, let’s now talk about the 8 signs an avoidant ex misses you.
1)Your ex reaches out from time to time
If your ex occasionally talks to you, your ex probably feels bored, nostalgic, or lonely and considers you decent enough to talk to. You may not be your ex’s first choice, especially if your ex is seeing someone else, but you are someone your ex enjoys talking to.
As long as you don’t cave into emotions and ask for more time, affection, and explanations your ex doesn’t want to give, your ex will probably keep reaching out and having non-romantic conversations with you. Your ex will likely inquire about your new life and keep things casual.
Try not to get your hopes up. Remember that your ex is just curious about you and that his or her lack of information about your new life is making your ex contact you and ask all sorts of questions.
Some dumpers even ask personal questions. They want to know if their ex is seeing anyone and ever misses the relationship and regrets breaking up. Such questions don’t necessarily indicate romantic regret. They usually indicate that the dumper is curious, nostalgic, jealous, unhappy, or having a hard time coping with the breakup.
You can tell an avoidant ex misses you when he or she wants your time and attention over and over again. When the dumper reaches out multiple times, it’s a pattern rather than a coincidence or a one-time thing. The dumper’s repetitive actions show that he or she is used to having you around and misses spending time with you.
Whether it’s talking, laughing, walking, or exercising together, your ex wishes he or she could do it with you.
So pay close attention to your ex’s reachouts and what those reachouts want from you. If it’s nothing urgent, your ex probably isn’t used to the silence and misses talking to you. He or she wants to stay in touch and keep you around for his or her convenience.
2)Your ex brings up the good moments
Dumpers like to talk about things that made them unhappy in the past. By doing so, they reinforce their negative thinking and consider themselves the victims. However, things are different when an ex talks about the good times. Positive memories show that the dumper is nostalgic and that he or she hopes you feel the same way.
If you do feel the same, you might be able to talk about the past and indulge in nostalgia.
Again, it’s not the most common for avoidant exes to want to talk about their feelings. Feelings let their ex close to them and make them feel uncomfortable and unsafe. So when avoidants do open up and share their feelings with their ex, it’s normally a sign that they miss and trust their ex. They want their ex to talk about the times when the relationship was at its peak.
If your ex talks about the good times of the relationship, it’s obvious that your ex misses the times when you got along and shared a common purpose. Because things have changed, your ex wishes to remind you that he or she values the good times from the past and hopes to be on speaking terms.
3)Your ex confides in you about his/her problems
An avoidant ex doesn’t typically want to come across as someone who needs help – especially with his or her emotions. That’s why problem/emotion-sharing is one of the best signs an avoidant ex misses you and trusts you enough to feel safe.
Your ex could, of course, just use you to deal with his or her problems, but if just anyone could help your ex, your ex would have reached out to his or her family or friends. Your ex would have opened up to any person willing to listen and care.
If your ex chooses you of all people to talk to about his or her problems, your ex either doesn’t have anyone to talk to or lacks people he or she trusts. Either way, it’s not easy for your avoidant ex to share his or her problems with others, so your ex opens up to a person who always supported him or her (you).
Your ex openly discusses his or her challenges with you and tries to feel as supported as he or she felt during the relationship.
If you notice your ex confiding in you about his or her struggles, you can tell your avoidant ex misses having a shoulder to lean on. He or she may not like expressing emotions, but that doesn’t mean your ex can’t get in trouble and experience pain.
When your ex gets hurt, your ex could vent to you and show you that you’re still the only person who can help him or her cope with difficulties.
4)Your ex sends mixed signals
When your ex says confusing things and appears hot and cold, your ex either misses you but gets overwhelmed quickly or feels bad and wants to help. Either way, your ex isn’t ready to let go of you just yet and wants to keep you around for his or her convenience.
Whether your ex wants to be friends, friends with benefits, or an occasional texting buddy, your ex doesn’t know how to properly express wants, needs, and feelings. He or she is afraid that you’ll get the wrong idea, come on too strong, and get hurt by your expectations.
That may explain why your ex pulls away when you try to get close and show the desire to reconnect.
Mixed signals from your ex essentially show that your ex is struggling between helping you and helping himself or herself. Your ex probably cares about you, misses you, and wants you to feel good but can’t be of much help due to fears and other overwhelming emotions.
Every time your ex sees that you’re enjoying the conversation and inching closer, your ex feels pressured and has no choice but to run away. Emotions and expectations are not avoidants’ strong suit. They don’t know how to handle them because they never acquired that skill.
So bear in mind that a hot and cold ex probably respects and misses you otherwise he or she wouldn’t be responding. It’s just that your behavior or presence suffocates him or her and causes your ex to seek time away from you.
5)Your ex often asks his/her friends about you
Your inexpressive/avoidant ex probably misses you when he or she keeps asking your mutual friends about your post-breakup life. This may indicate that your ex wants to catch up but is afraid of what you might say. Your ex doesn’t know how you’ll interpret the reach-out and respond to it, so your ex chooses not to reach out at all.
This is your ex’s safest option as it prevents you from getting your hopes up and putting your ex in a difficult situation. A difficult situation could be any situation that makes your ex feel uncomfortable and forces your ex to spend energy and time tending to your wants and needs.
So if your ex asks his or her friends about you and insists on learning more about you, consider it a sign that your ex is curious, nostalgic, or misses having control over you. It’s hard to say what exactly your ex thinks, feels, and wants, but if your ex doesn’t apologize and want you back, your ex doesn’t miss you enough.
He or she probably only misses you as a friend.
6)Your ex shows up where you are
Another sign that your ex misses you is when your ex frequently goes to where you are. One time may be a coincidence, but seeing your ex multiple times at the same or different place may indicate that your ex doesn’t mind being around you or that your ex likes it and that it gives your ex a sense of control.
Some dumpers want to be physically close to their ex just to feel that the breakup is unfolding on their terms. Not knowing what their ex is up to and how their ex feels makes them feel insecure and obsessed. That’s why they deliberately visit the places their ex frequents and try to ease their anxious mind.
It’s more of a dumpee thing, but sometimes dumpers stalk dumpees as well.
They go to:
- their ex’s work
- their ex’s home
- or public places their ex frequents
7)Your ex is jealous
Jealousy is a sign that your ex misses you, feels threatened, and wishes to possess you. He or she may be avoidant, but avoidants can also feel jealous (although usually to a smaller degree). They want to know that their ex hasn’t met someone else and forgotten about them.
I suppose they want the reassurance that they’re the only people their ex talks to. It’s extremely unfair of them to want that, but it’s their insecurities telling them to cling to their ex for validation and relationship perks.
If your ex is jealous, remember that your ex misses your commitment and validation and wants to hold on to you for security purposes.
8)Your ex is going through a lot
The last and one of the best signs an avoidant ex misses you is an indirect one. Your ex likely misses you when he or she is in pain, struggling to love himself or herself. Pain tends to make dumpers nostalgic and hungry for reassurance and forgiveness.
The worse the dumper feels, the bigger the chance that he or she reflects and realizes you were a good partner and person. This realization can make your ex super nostalgic and tempted to get back in touch with you.
So if you see or hear that your ex is going through a difficult time, remember that your ex is likely thinking about the times when life wasn’t so hard. He or she may be thinking about you and how you made him or her feel when everything was going smoothly.
You must wait for your ex to get tired of hurting and reach out. That way, your ex can give you back your lost power and invest in you. Don’t try to make your ex fall back in love on your terms. Avoidant or not, your ex must still discover your romantic worth and express regret.
When your ex learns to value you, your ex will naturally want to get back with you on his or her own. You won’t have to do anything other than be yourself.
Can you think of any other signs an avoidant ex misses you? Post them as well as your questions and story below. We’ll get back to you shortly.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
