Why Are My Ex’s Friends Contacting Me And Being So Nice To Me?

If your ex’s friends are contacting you, asking you questions, and being nice to you, they’re probably surprised by what has happened. They know you and have a connection with you, so they feel curious and sad and want to be as supportive as they can be.

They may be your ex’s friends more than they are yours, but the most reasonable explanation for their reach-outs is that they don’t understand why the breakup happened and that they want to offer you a shoulder to lean on.

By doing so, they can present themselves as caring, yet neutral individuals who have your and your ex’s back.

Sure, some people just reach out because they’re nosy and don’t particularly want to help, but if your ex’s friends are being nice to you (especially time after time) by telling you to contact them and confide in them whenever you want, they likely want to stay friends with you and make sure you have the support you need to cope with the breakup.

They don’t want you to think that they abandoned you, took your ex’s side, and that they agree with the breakup.

Supportive friends (regardless of whose friends they were first) feel that they shouldn’t pick sides and that they must be fair and nice to both of you. They have nothing to do with the breakup, so they choose to provide individualized support to you and your ex and avoid any post-breakup drama that could ensue if they were to prioritize one over the other.

So if your ex’s friends are contacting you and you can’t understand why they’re being nice to you, know that they are either unbiased about the breakup or they don’t fully agree with how your ex is behaving and justifying the breakup. Either way, they want to hear it from you and see what they can do.

Deep inside, you probably already know why they contacted you. But if you don’t, you can discover their intentions by looking deeper into their behavior.

Try to figure out if they’re:

• empathizing with you (feeling bad for you)
• asking you questions (being curious and trying to understand why the breakup happened)
• offering to help (being good people)
• disagreeing with your ex (showing they’re on your side)
• expressing shock and unhappiness (proving they didn’t expect nor want you to break up)

They probably aren’t telling your ex that he or she is making a big mistake and that you’ll move on and find someone better soon. Your ex’s friends are still your ex’s friends. They may not agree with everything your ex has said and done, but they probably don’t say this to your ex’s face.

If they were to express disapproval, they would send the message that they’re against your ex and that they’re on your side instead. That could make your ex feel betrayed and unhappy and could damage their friendship.

To avoid hurt feelings and resentment, friends may adopt a neutral stance. By doing so, they remain respectful to both parties and show that they didn’t influence the breakup.

Only easily/negatively-influenced friends and those who never liked you will take your ex’s side. Such people will go out of their way to look for reasons the relationship ended and encourage your ex to stay broken up.

In this post, we discuss why your ex’s friends are contacting you and being nice to you and whether you should be friends with them.

Why are my ex’s friends contacting me?

Your ex’s friends are most likely contacting you of their own volition. They only heard your ex’s side of the story, so they wonder what you think and if they can do anything to help.

By helping you or offering to help, they can feel that they’re being fair to both of you and that they needn’t think of themselves as biased and fickle people.

Your ex’s friends could be contacting you because they learned that the breakup has destroyed you emotionally and that you could use a friendly shoulder to lean on. Their support would show that they’re being empathetic and that regardless of who’s to blame for the breakup they want to be of assistance to both of you.

You may need different things after the breakup, but they still want to help in ways that they can.

Usually, it’s mutual friends who assist their friends. But sometimes ex’s friends do that too. They try to show that the breakup affected them severely and that they didn’t see it coming.

It’s also worth mentioning that dumpers’ friends sometimes act differently from dumpees’ friends. The former of these usually contact the dumpee to express their support whereas the latter dislike the dumper’s actions and behavior and contact the dumper to find out why he or she is acting differently or immaturely.

So if you left your ex and are being contacted by your ex’s friends, this could be because your ex’s friends aren’t happy to see their friend hurt. Their friend’s pain gives them pain too, so they want to know whether your behavior and actions can somehow be justified.

However, if you were left by your ex, then your ex’s friends probably contacted you to check up on you, find out why the relationship ended, and see if they can do anything to help.

In both cases, friends can be supportive, inquisitive, or displeased. Don’t assume that how they act depends strictly on whether their friend was dumped or did the dumping himself or herself.

Another possible reason why your ex’s friends contacted you is that your ex asked them to contact you. Sometimes (although quite rarely) exes get their friends involved in hopes of receiving a favor or learning what their ex is up to.

Dumpers tend to do that to tell their ex something urgent or to find out whether their ex is still hurt and/or angry with them. Dumpers don’t want to contact their ex and risk receiving unwanted reactions. Preferably, they want to avoid such reactions altogether, hence why they avoid their ex like the plague and check up on their ex from a distance (on social media or through friends).

Dumpees, on the other hand, ask their friends to contact their ex for slightly different reasons. They aren’t happy about the breakup, so they ask their friends to obtain information about their ex. Information like whether/who their ex is dating, what their ex is thinking/feeling, what’s keeping their ex busy, and how their ex feels about them.

Dumpees crave insight into their ex’s life very badly because the more they know, the more in control of the breakup they feel.

So if your ex’s friends contacted you and you’re wondering why your ex’s friends are nice to you after the breakup, know that they don’t have a reason not to be nice. They are their own people and haven’t been negatively influenced by your ex or the breakup itself.

They think that remaining objective is a must regardless of whose friends they are and how ugly the breakup was.

Many if not most people immediately side with the person they are the closest to. They feel that they can benefit from that person the most and that they need to support their friend no matter what. Such people usually only see things from their friend’s perspective and/or don’t have the courage to tell their friend where he or she went wrong.

As a result, they ignore their friend’s ex or say or do mean and hurtful things.

Your ex’s friends, luckily, aren’t like that. They probably see that your ex had made mistakes as well and that there’s no need to pick sides. If they act rationally and maturely, they can assist both parties and help them learn from their ordeals.

They can motivate the dumper to reflect and grow and reassure the dumpee that the breakup wasn’t entirely his or her fault.

With that said, here’s why your ex’s friends contacted you.

If you still can’t figure out why your ex’s friends contacted you after the breakup, you can just ask them directly. If they only reached out once, you can probably message them back. But if they keep reaching out again and again, then you can just wait for one of them to contact you and ask your question.

The answer they give should satisfy your curiosity and let you focus on yourself. If it doesn’t, don’t seek answers from your ex because this is between you and the people contacting you.

Should I stay friends with my ex’s friends?

If the conversations you have with your ex’s friends aren’t about your ex and/or if you like talking to your ex’s friends, by all means, stay friends with them. I don’t see a reason to let go of them just because they were your ex’s friends first.

Your ex can’t claim people as only his or her friends. If your ex acts possessively, they’ll probably do the opposite of what he or she wants them to do. Most people rebel because they don’t like being controlled and manipulated.

Anyway, you need to know that staying friends with your ex’s friends won’t help you get back with your ex (if that’s what you’re hoping for). But it will keep you busy and help you find closure if your ex hasn’t given it to you yet. Talking to them strictly as friends (not as people who have insight into your ex’s life) will help you process the breakup quicker.

Just be careful not to talk to your ex’s friends in hopes of reconciling with your ex. If you ask ex-related questions and look for hope, you’ll learn about things you aren’t ready to learn about and feel even more anxious and desperate.

Your ex’s friends also shouldn’t talk about your ex. They need to know that you’re trying to move forward and that you’d appreciate it if they didn’t talk about your ex anymore. If they respect your request and understand your feelings, they’ll keep you in the dark regarding your ex and do what friends do – support you.

So if you’re contemplating staying friends with your ex’s friends, figure out how your ex’s friends make you feel. If they give you unnecessary hope and anxiety and tempt you to stay in touch with them so they can tell your ex good things about you, you should probably not see them for a while.

You should tell them you want to distance yourself from them to avoid reminders of your ex. But if talking to them doesn’t harm you, then you can safely stay friends with them and get the most out of life.

The decision is yours to make.

Should I hang out with the same friend group as my ex?

If you and your ex share the same friend group, I strongly advise you to avoid going out with them if you know your ex will be there. Seeing your ex in person will not just be awkward, but it will also make you feel and act strange.

It will make you want to impress your ex and get validated by him or her.

Dumpees should avoid interacting with their ex for a while. By avoiding them, they can dodge false hope and painful emotional setbacks. Instead of hanging out with a friend group that will likely include their ex, they should ask their friends if their ex will be there and then express the desire to hang out only when their ex is not joining.

I know this looks manipulative and a lot to ask for, but if you explain that you’re not emotionally and mentally ready to see your ex, they should understand where you’re coming from. They should see that you’re going through a lot and that you’d rather not be there if your ex will be there.

However, if you dumped your ex, then you may also not feel like being around your ex. The thought of being in the same place as your ex might smother you and make you uncomfortable.

If that’s how you feel, all you have to do is let your mutual friends know that you’re trying to disassociate from your ex and that you’d be grateful if they invited you out when your ex isn’t joining.

You can say you want to hang out with them but that as long as things are the way they are between you and your ex that you’ll have to take turns seeing them.

Do you agree with the reasons why your ex’s friends are contacting you? Why do you think they’re reaching out? Let me know in the comments below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.