Who Should Reach Out First After A Breakup?

If you love your ex and feel sad, you probably want another chance with your ex and wonder who should reach out first after a breakup. Is it the person who said the worst things or the one who caused the most pain?

It’s neither of them.

The person who should reach out first after a breakup is the one who did the dumping. He or she decided the relationship wasn’t working and that the breakup would free him or her of responsibilities, expectations, pressure, pain, and unhappiness. Not only should the dumper reach out first, but the dumper should (and must) also make the effort to apologize for breaking a commitment, show the willingness to work on the relationship, and present a plan on how the reconciliation will make them stronger.

The dumper must essentially return lost power and initially put in most of the work. By expressing feelings and showing the desire to be with the dumpee, the dumper can start fixing the broken trust and have a healthy/balanced relationship with the person he or she previously abandoned.

If the dumpee does all the above-mentioned things, it’s unlikely that the dumper will want to get back together. He or she will probably find the dumpee’s reach-out desperate and unattractive—and have no choice but to reject the dumpee’s feelings and desire to fix things alone.

As long as the dumper is in control and feels no regret, the dumper wants space from the dumpee and enjoys the freedom. Reconciliation is not something he or she wants and looks forward to.

As a rule of thumb, the person who leaves must also be the person who comes back. It can’t be the other way around because it tilts the balance of power further in favor of the one who left and reduces the dumper’s interest, curiosity, and feelings.

The dumper and the dumpee both have an important post-breakup role. The dumper must process relief and other unprocessed emotions without the help of the dumpee and engage in reflection. While reflecting, the dumper must rediscover the dumpee’s romantic worth and realize that he or she left a good person he or she won’t be happy without.

As for the dumpee, he or she must avoid breakup mistakes such as begging and pleading and preserve his or her value as an ex. It’s extremely important that the dumpee leaves the dumper alone and gives the dumper a reason to miss him or her. The dumper can’t miss the dumpee if the dumpee keeps reaching out, talking about the past, and pretending to be someone he or she is not.

The dumper already knows the dumpee and doesn’t need to be told or shown he or she is wrong. The dumper just needs to willingly compare the past to a much less pleasant present and decide his or her life was more fulfilling with the dumpee.

When the dumper realizes this, the reconciliation will happen very quickly. The dumper will reestablish contact, figure out how the dumpee feels, and try to get back together with the person he or she loves. The dumper will be eager for reconciliation and afraid of rejection. Eagerness to get back in touch, desire to reconnect emotionally, and fear of rejection are three ways to tell that a person who left you understands what you bring to the table and regrets leaving you.

That’s because the dumper’s actions (not words) reveal the dumper has processed the breakup and doesn’t need more space. On the contrary, he or she needs closeness as it gives him or her reassurance and love.

So who should reach out first after a breakup? The person who should reach out first and last is the one who terminated the relationship. He or she should stop running away from problems and admit that he or she took the dumpee for granted and made a terrible mistake.

By taking responsibility for thinking the dumpee was fully responsible for his or her failures and unhappiness, the dumper can improve his or her negative perception of the dumpee and show that he or she is sorry. In other words, the dumper can start to value the dumpee emotionally and demonstrate that he or she is ready to do what it takes to fix things.

Unless the dumper specifically tells the dumpee to reach out when he or she stops drinking, gets rid of anger issues, or quits some other bad habit or behavior, the dumper must reach out first and let the dumpee take charge of the reconciliation process.

This is how they can get on the same team and start working with each other rather than against each other. They can stop competing or blaming each other and see the breakup as an obstacle they need to overcome.

In this post, we discuss who should reach out first after a breakup and what dumpees and dumpers feel and should do after a breakup.

Who should reach out first after a breakup?

If your ex left you, you probably feel tempted to break the silence and reach out to your ex. You want your ex to know you’ve changed and improved and that you’re ready for what you previously weren’t. Like most dumpees, you want to fix the relationship on your own and make it extremely easy for your detached ex to be with you.

Before you do that though you need to understand that your ex doesn’t want it to be that easy. Your ex wants it to be challenging so your ex can feel excited to invest in you and build a meaningful connection with you. If you let your ex know he or she can come back anytime, your ex will consider you a backup plan rather than the only plan and an opportunity to miss out on.

Your ex will think you’re extremely forgiving and not self-loving and that you’ll do anything to be with him or her.

When it comes to reattracting an ex, there are three main things to consider.

1. How you present yourself. (If you stay in no contact, you’ll present yourself as a confident and strong individual. You won’t overwhelm your ex with your feelings and expectations. On the contrary, you’ll remain mysterious, let your ex process the breakup, and allow your ex to think about you when or if he or she wants to).
2. How your ex perceives you. (Your ex’s perception of you determines whether your ex likes you as an ex, a friend, or a partner. To want you back as a partner, your ex must think he or she has romantic benefits to gain by being with you).
3. What your ex is like as a person. (If your ex is immature and has a victim mentality, your ex probably won’t reach out and want you back. Your ex will keep thinking you’re the problem and that he or she will be happier alone or with another person. Reconciliation happens when your ex is capable of getting hurt, reflecting, and discerning your value.

When your ex values you, your ex will reach out of his or her own accord. This is because your ex will fear losing you and feel a sense of urgency to reconnect and recommit. Your ex will crave your devotion and need you to feel safe and happy.

You won’t have to do anything to make your ex choose you. You’ll just have to keep minding your own business and respecting yourself. Your ex will do the rest (the necessary work) when he or she realizes your romantic worth and redevelops romantic feelings and expectations.

Always remember that dumpees don’t come back slowly through conversation and bonding. They come back fast because they make internal changes without the dumpee’s awareness. Typically, something goes wrong in their life, causes them pain, and forces them to change their perception of their ex. That something can be a loss of a relationship or friendship or anything that lowers their self-confidence.

When they feel hurt and lost, they start looking for solutions to their unhappiness and pain and contact people who can validate and support them. Those people are their exes as their exes used to provide them with reassurance, support, love, and everything they needed to be happy and successful.

So if you want to know who should reach out first after a breakup, it’s always the dumper. The dumper should reach out when he or she has an epiphany and wants you back to feel secure, good, and ready to invest in you. He or she shouldn’t reach out just to chat. When the dumper reaches out for non-romantic purposes, we refer to such behavior as breadcrumbing.

Breadcrumbs give you the attention you badly crave, but they don’t bring your ex back. They just make you think your ex is warming up to you and is on his or her way back to you. If you receive breadcrumbs from the person you love, you should be aware of the damage they can cause you and learn how to handle them decisively.

The longer you talk to your ex about non-relationship matters, the more hopeful you’ll get and the less you’ll heal and detach. Not only will you make things difficult for yourself, but you’ll also make it harder for your ex to miss you, respect you, and want to reconnect with you. Your ex can’t miss you when you don’t let your ex miss you. Over-availability and kindness don’t make an ex realize what a fool he or she was for letting you go.

It only lets your ex see that you’re still around, hoping for friendship or reconciliation. Your presence will make you unattractive in your ex’s eyes and kill your ex’s sense of urgency.

So don’t think you’ll get your ex back by reaching out first, being nice to your ex, and showing your ex you’re still willing to get back together. This kind of thinking will make you prioritize your ex rather than yourself and perhaps even scare your ex away. The more you want your ex, the less your ex will regret losing you and reflect on his or her losses and mistakes.

That’s why it’s extremely important not to interrupt the dumper’s healing progress. I know it hurts not to talk to your ex and that you’re scared of losing your ex (especially to someone else), but don’t reach out just because of how you feel or how you want to feel. Your emotions and feelings don’t interest your ex now that your ex is in the process of recovering from the breakup.

Your ex is more interested in his or her own life and wants to reconnect with himself or herself. Your ex must be allowed to do that so that your ex can forget about the negative aspects of the relationship and become nostalgic. Mind you, nostalgia alone won’t bring your ex back, but it could cause your ex to naturally progress through the rest of the stages of a breakup for the dumper.

Nostalgia could make your ex reach the neutrality stage, followed by regret and a desire to want you back. You must be patient and let your ex think and feel what he or she wants. That’s the only way your ex will stop thinking the breakup saved him or her from unhappiness and start thinking it made things worse.

With that said, here’s why the dumper should reach out first after a breakup.

How long should you wait for the dumper to reach out?

You should wait for as long as it takes. If your ex doesn’t reach out after a year, it doesn’t mean that your ex never will. Likewise, it doesn’t mean that you should give up on the indefinite no contact rule and contact your ex prematurely. Reaching out on your terms will disrupt your ex’s emotional progress and desire for space and give your ex more power.

In the worst-case scenario, it could also make your ex ignore or block you or tell you to stop reaching out.

No matter what your ex is likely to do or not do, you must respect your ex’s space and privacy and let your ex come to you. It’s hard to say if your ex will come back when you don’t hear a peep from your ex, but you’ve got to keep your distance and give your ex as much time as he or she needs.

Your ex knows what needs to be done if he or she wants you back. The problem is that your ex has no reason to reconcile. Your ex is happy and in control of his or her emotions. Things will change when your ex gets hurt and loses emotional self-control. That’s when your ex may engage in self-reflection and be forced to look for external solutions to his or her internal problems.

This could happen months, years, or even decades into the breakup. Obviously, you can’t wait that long. You can’t put your life on hold and wait for someone who isn’t doing the same for you. This isn’t a break (there are no such things as breaks). It’s a breakup that demands you to focus on things and people who give you happiness and purpose.

As long as your ex doesn’t want you back, you mustn’t communicate with your ex and want your ex back. You must stay in no contact, remain mysterious, and let your ex reflect and do all the work. You can put in the work when your ex wants you back. That’s when you can communicate, establish healthy boundaries, and develop a strong emotional bond.

I encourage you not to worry about reconciliation until your ex actually wants you back. It’s nice to fantasize, but it’s not productive and good for your healing. Use this time to work on your flaws and passions instead and hope that your ex does the same. You’ve both got some issues to address. If you didn’t have anything to work on, you wouldn’t have broken up.

You’d have stayed together and found ways to make the relationship work.

So take the breakup seriously, work on yourself, and wait for your ex to become regretful and nostalgic. You’ll know your ex wants you back when your ex reaches out, appears sad and cautious, and expresses the desire to have a romantic relationship with you.

Who do you think should reach out first after a breakup? Share your views below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.