The definition of a monkey-branching relationship is similar to cheating. Monkey-branching occurs when people are considering other options while they are still in a relationship with their partner.
They do this to place down a safety net and secure a backup plan in case something goes wrong in their current relationship.
Essentially, a dumper that monkey-branches emotionally cheats on his or her current partner and eventually leaves for someone else.
Although both men and women monkey-branch, I will refer to the perpetrator of monkey-branching in the female gender.
Monkey-branching into a new relationship is so despicable because the brancher has no respect for his partner, let alone for herself.
A woman who ends up doing this shows she has low moral standards, low self-esteem, and is full of insecurities.
Fear is a destroyer of many things—both good and bad.
So when a brancher in a relationship focuses strongly on what she doesn’t want – the fear and anxiety, she will eventually create exactly what she fears the most.
If you believe in the law of attraction you likely already know this. The powerful truth is that our minds listen to what we tell it—whether it’s positive, neutral or negative.
The more attention we give to our fears and insecurities without doing anything to solve them, the more real they become.
This means that if our unease in relationships isn’t properly and swiftly treated, we end up creating more unease.
As a result of perpetuating worrying, we eventually become so overwhelmed, we start looking for quick remedies.
And as you know, quick remedies are almost always not the best solutions.
In this article, we’re going to talk about exes monkey-branching from one relationship to another.
Monkey-branching is GIGS
Monkey-branching often entails chatting, calling, flirting and/or more with another person. It also paves the foundation for the grass is greener syndrome: GIGS to develop.
Any woman that gets intimately involved with another person when she is still in a relationship with her boyfriend soon loses respect and attraction for her partner.
She deliberately allows the new person to influence her weak mental state to the point where she gives in to the temptations of immorality.
Once she has secured her new position with her new playtoy, she is then able to leap (monkey-branch) into the arms of a new person without any fear and regret.
As long as she continues the steady flow of validation, the insecure monkey-brancher will remain externally content.
And once that source of happiness disappears, she will then become anxious and insecure again.
My ex monkey-branched
If I got a nickel every time someone told me “My ex monkey-branched after the breakup,” I’d honestly be rich by now.
Today’s society has become plagued with infinite amounts of ways to connect with people from all over the world.
In retrospect, the rise of the internet and mobile technologies enabled us to uninterruptedly stay in touch with whomever we wish—whenever we wish.
We became so over-reliant on our partner’s emotional and physical support that we became incapable of something as simple as going to the convenience store without our phones.
Leaving our phones behind would mean we must break the flow of uninterrupted support, and would, therefore, have to stay completely on our own.
At least for the meantime.
The reason why people carry a communication device on them is that they feel this inner desire to stay interconnected at all times.
In a way, they feel addicted to giving and receiving attention whenever possible.
And the same principle applies to monkey-branching.
This incessantly needy craving to be close to someone knows no limits.
People’s overdependence on external factors for their happiness has exceeded all norms of a “normal” emotional stability—both in relationships and outside.
As for your ex monkey-branching right after your breakup, your ex probably hasn’t learned to live by herself, for herself.
She’s still depending on others for continuous support and validation.
Why do people monkey-branch?
Since people look for internal happiness in all the wrong places (externally), they believe that monkey-branching onto another person will solve their problems.
In reality, all they do is bring their previous unresolved problems from their last relationship into the next relationship and expect all internal problems to magically disappear.
But boy are they wrong.
People don’t learn anything when they jump from one pile of problems onto the next.
They may avoid certain personality incompatibilities and wrongdoings from the past, but the same personal and interpersonal shortcomings still remain.
Girlfriends that monkey-branch basically refuse to work on their insecurities and relationship issues.
Instead, they sincerely believe that the new person will fill the gaps which their previous partner couldn’t.
Monkey-branchers then put all their hope into the new relationship and expect their new boyfriend to take up the role of their old boyfriend.
Not only that.
They want the new partner to be way better. They wouldn’t have dumped their partner if they were convinced that this new person can’t make them happier in the long run.
Monkey-branching is a weakness
Relationships require full commitment. The moment your girlfriend stops putting her best foot forward and averts her attention to another man, she loses sight of what’s in front of her.
Soon after, the new person then becomes her new point of interest.
Since she takes an interest in her new partner, her long-term partner slowly fades in the background.
As we mentioned before, people that are incapable of taking care of themselves will look for other ways to remain emotionally secure.
This often happens through various sources of emotional validation—such as monkey-branching, cheating, and flirting with others while in a relationship.
If your girlfriend talks to other men and enjoys their compliments more than she should, she is in essence monkey-branching.
She is consciously on the lookout for her second-best option in case something goes wrong.
And if something does go wrong, she will have soft cushions to fall on.
A monkey-brancher is basically so insecure, she doesn’t want to spend a single second as a single woman.
To her, dating someone and receiving validation at all times is an absolute must.
As a result of unresolved insecurities, she will quickly jump into a new relationship and begin to drain its life source.
And in so doing, a greedy take-take relationship is born.
Emotional dependence
Your ex monkey-branched right after the breakup because of her emotional dependence.
In other words, even though your ex is an adult—a fully grown person, she never learned how to love herself.
She is still emotionally dependent on others for all kinds of support and is unbelievably afraid to be alone in this world.
Monkey-branching is so harmful because it depicts very low self-esteem and therefore, indirectly projects fears and insecurities onto others.
Above all, it’s detrimental to the brancher’s health, as well as to her new partner.
In my opinion, if relationships conditions existed, the first rule should be to have the capacity to care of yourself before you get involved with another person.
This would mean that if you lack emotional independence, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Your immaturity and lack of compassion for others should prohibit you from hurting another person.
Do monkey-branching relationships last?
A monkey-branching relationship is a relationship that starts badly and ends even worse. The reason for its imminent failure is that it’s made of all the bad things you can think of.
First of all, the monkey-brancher’s new partner is most likely aware of his partner’s cheating. This creates trust issues that can’t be easily fixed.
Secondly, the relationship is built on false expectations.
The brancher truly believes her new relationship is going to fulfill her internally and fill her emotional void left by her previous partner.
And thirdly, the new monkey-branching relationship lacks the fundamentals of every successful relationship.
It lacks trust, security, patience, understanding, and most importantly—respect.
The truth is that nobody wants to be with a monkey-brancher.
The underlying thought of the same fate happening to their relationship is really not worth the trouble. As you know, history has a high probability of repeating itself.
And monkey-branching relationship is no different.
Anyone who gets involved with a cheater monkey-brancher lives in constant fear—which as a result often breaks up the couple.
Is monkey-branching a rebound?
There are really no big differences between monkey-branching and rebounding.
Partners in both relationship types often take each other for granted and sweep the past issues under the rug.
Monkey-branching can be referred to as a rebound. Since the person branching puts all her hope in her new partner, she expects only the best.
The problem with this thinking is that when attraction is high, she knows the least about the new person.
She notices only his superficial points and overlooks all the red flags which are personality-based.
But as you know, superficial qualities don’t keep people together.
Internal traits and values do.
How to prevent monkey-branching?
There are some things you can’t prevent in this world. Monkey-branching is one of them.
You can’t prevent your partner from monkey-branching and neither should you desperately try to.
Your partner knows what she must do to have a successful relationship with you.
Loyalty doesn’t need reminders and neither does your partner want to hear them.
As a matter of fact, the more often you reprimand your girlfriend about staying loyal, the less likely she is going to stay loyal.
If you keep reminding her, she is eventually going to lose trust in you and do exactly the opposite.
You don’t have to tell your partner who she shouldn’t talk to either. Fortunately, she was born with a head of her own to think with.
And that’s why any sort of manipulation will often achieve the opposite of the desired results.
Controlling your partner’s behavior in a forceful way could be the downfall of your romantic relationship.
So trust your partner and allow her to the freedom she deserves.
You must understand that the only way you should try to “change” your partner is to influence her in a positive way.
If you are able to articulate your wants and needs in a way for her to understand, you will accomplish great things in your relationship.
Of course, her understanding is greatly dependent on her openness and willingness to cooperate as well.
You can’t achieve great results if she isn’t willing to listen.
If you fail at influencing your partner to your way of thinking, you must then accept your partner’s decision as well as her individuality.
Once you’ve done that, decide if her attention-seeking is something that bothers you.
Ask yourself “Can I put up with it or is it a deal-breaker for me?”
When you’ve decided what to do, stick with it!
Don’t jump back and forth on your word. If you do, you will lose authenticity and neither she nor anyone else won’t take you seriously anymore.
10 monkey-branching signs
Early monkey-branching signs usually appear after the relationship’s honeymoon phase.
When the relationship’s initial thrills wear off, the monkey-brancher will then look for different ways to validate herself.
Monkey-branching signs have many shapes and forms and can easily be overlooked. When we are in a relationship with the person we love, we are especially oblivious to these signs.
Emotions and attachments make it difficult for us to see that our partner may be monkey-branching.
And when we do suspect something may be going on, we often approach it the wrong way.
Most people don’t handle themselves well when they are in a monkey-branching relationship. Because they are trying to keep a straight face, they often either under-react or over-react.
People who don’t lie often are usually bad liars and can be easily detected.
If you’ve been in a relationship for a while and you suspect your partner may be monkey-branching, chances are you will be able to recognize any inauthentic behavior.
The 10 signs of monkey-branching are:
- Gaslighting: accusing you of infidelity to alleviate her own guilt caused by cheating. This sign is a projection of fear of being caught red-handed.
- Sudden changes: hobbies, activities, friends groups, interests. If your partner changes her likes and dislikes erratically, there is usually a force involved which is greater than yourself.
- Caring for the physical appearance: signing up for the gym and applying loads of makeup can be signs that your girlfriend wants to impress another person.
- Dating apps: this is an obvious sign of monkey-branching. Don’t take this one lightly.
- Availability: if your partner is available during sleeping hours and the times when you aren’t available, something’s definitely fishy.
- Affection changes: if she becomes overly-interested in you or suddenly becomes cold and distant, she could be showing you early monkey-branching signs.
- Talking about other guys: when a person talks about others, it’s okay. But when she goes to the extent to do so in an emotional way, you can tell she’s emotionally involved.
- Ignoring your texts and calls: refusing to converse with you and reply back could be a sign of monkey-branching—especially if she’s talking to others instead of you.
- Indifference: if she suddenly isn’t bothered by anything anymore and shows little to no interest, she’s emotionally checked out.
- Hiding: when she hides her phone messages or her very presence from you, she is up to no good.
What to do if she’s monkey-branching?
If you notice any of these monkey-branching signs, try not to panic.
Acting on an impulse usually makes things worse. Remember that you can’t force your partner to love you and stay with you.
So no matter how suspicious you may be or how angry it makes you, don’t do anything bizarre.
If you choose to go with the flow, you will only make yourself look bad.
Acting angrily when she is branching to a new relationship, will only help her transition easier.
If you lose your cool and show her your dark side, she is going to use it against you. She will say something like “You always act like this. No wonder I don’t want to stay with you.“
By becoming your worst self, you inadvertently give her a good excuse to ditch you and leap into the arms of another person.
Don’t get me wrong.
If she wants to leave, she will do so whether you’re the kindest person on the planet or pure evil.
Accepting her decision nicely will, however, instill guilt in her and make her doubt her actions once the newness of her new relationship wears off.
Trust me on this. Any woman with strong moral values will suffer as a result of her bad karmic actions.
It’s just a matter of time.
Women who monkey-branch into new relationships more often than not, eventually regret their decisions.
They may not necessarily regret the act of leaving itself, but rather the fact that they have a ton of negative stigma on their hands.
Did your ex monkey-branch into a new relationship? Comment below and let me know.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
Hi, thank you for your posts, I’ve learned a lot from them.
My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me to start a relationship with someone else that she met on the internet a few months ago, during Covid-19 lockdown (we had to quarantine separately). We were in a serious and committed relationship, and I trusted her completely. I loved her very much and thought she felt the same about me.
The relationship wasn’t perfect and I especially made a lot of mistakes, definitely became complacent and didn’t give her enough attention, also in the last two years I’d been having problems at work and went from being a very confident person to an anxious and insecure one. We would have arguments quite often as well, but in hindsight I think these were mostly my fault.
I am very hurt, I feel guilty, sad, angry and depressed about the whole thing, as well as very jealous of this new guy, which works in the same institute and field I do, although in a more successful position. I have seen him and only barely stopped myself from punching him in the face. It hurts so much to be so easily replaced by someone else. Since this happened I consistently sleep only 4 hours every night, and wake up in an extremely low and sour mood. I’ve tried dating casually, but I don’t feel attracted to the girls I go out with and keep comparing them to her.
At the start, when she told me she was leaving, I couldn’t believe it and begged her to reconsider.
She had told me she’d been speaking to this guy but that I shouldn’t be worried. In hindsight I can see the signs that she was working up to this in the last weeks we spent together.
I drunken texted her a couple of times during the night in the first couple of weeks following the break up, then I decided to stop contacting her, deleted her from social media and muted all our mutual friends.
The last time I spoke to her she said she’s very happy with her decision, doesn’t miss me and that we never really worked as a couple because I couldn’t reach her emotionally. I am more or less prepared for the fact that I may never hear from her again or see her again at this point, although I feel awful about it. I also dread mutual friends birthdays or parties where I might end up seeing her with him.
It’s now been about a month and a half, I’ve been working out like crazy and focusing on trying to get better at all those things that killed our relationship, but I still feel powerless and lost, which is a feeling I dislike. I miss her terribly and feel that by not being as good as I could have been to her I’m missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me.
I assume there’s nothing I can do to get her back, so is there anything I can do to stop feeling like this?
Thank you,
Dan
Dan,
I am responding to your reply as your situation is similar to mine. I feel your pain man. You are not alone. While undergoing this process of shock and despair I learned about monkey branching (90 days ago) and that it is occurring a lot more than is known. Social media and dating apps give these types of women an endless supply of options (men). The women that engage in this act already planned it. As crazy as this sounds, I call this an act of premeditated emotional murder. The act to extinguish a person who unconditionally loved them is heartless, pre-planned, and deliberate. It just baffles the mind as to the expediency of meeting someone new and leaving a relationship. Why would I want my Ex back in my life? There is a quote regarding these matters that state, “sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.” That quote woke me TFU! To me, it is diabolical to just go on with there lives with the rebound guy like we never existed. For lack of a proper term, these types of women are savages. Furthermore, I see these types as evil, parasitic, and harmful to whoever they come into contact with. Thank God there was no marriage, children, or property with her. Because of the legal system, women fair well and get half of what the man earned. I know personally, I would have lost a lot that I worked for if I had married her. So I am counting my blessings. Unfortunately, there will be a lot more men out there who will fall victim to this behavior and whose lack of emotional control will make them do harmful things.
Moving forward. What I have done to heal myself and recover from this traumatic event is going into what I call, beast mode. No more pity party, no more crying spells, no more sadness, no more obsessing about her and the other guy. No more energy spent on this person, period! This woman is dead to me. I made a note which I have scotch taped on the inside of the vanity bathroom mirror a note with bullet points on what I need to do. I read it daily. I have been no contact since day one. I do not associate with anyone that knows her or in her circle. I am off social media. Not necessary and a big time-waster. My friend this involves conducting a personal inventory, re-investing time, and energy into yourself. I am personally back to an intense fitness regime that I became lax with during the relationship. Restarted my hobbies, and working on ways to further increasing my self-worth on a financial, psychological, and spiritual level. My confidence level has greatly increased. I am fit in appearance and better educated about the games these female players play. No more mister nice guy. My upbringing to be a gentleman with women will take a back seat. And I will not be playing the chase game. The expectations that women today have of men are unrealistic. Multiple social media and dating apps proves this to be true.
In closing, I hope this reply finds you well and in a better position. Just be good to yourself. Be focused and resolute in your purpose. And thank you Zan for a website that brings clarity and understanding to the little known issue of Monkey Branching.
Jim
My ex did this last year. I think part of this was due to long distance. She moved back to Canada for postgrad studies from the UK (where I’m from) and changed almost immediately once there. I was planning to join her as soon as possible and spend a lot of money on a visa.
As she was in a big new city away from her hometown, she had lots of options.
She developed new friendship groups, started extra curricular activities, had lots of things going on with uni and became part of lots of extra clubs. She changed almost as soon as she got there. First red flag.
One thing I recall is she would mention this guy from one of her extracurricular clubs who she assured me she had no interest in. Absolutely denied any interest in him while acknowledging he was “overly nice” to her. Second red flag.
She would always argue with me about things that I had done that I didnt even realise. Silly little things. While this lovely “friend” always had her best interests at heart. Third red flag.
She broke up with me just 2 weeks before my visa was approved. And about 2 or 3 months later (on my birthday) posts a couples pic with this same guy.
There’s a reason why “you vs the guy she tells you not to worry about” memes are so real.
Hi jmdavies.
The “he’s just a friend” is indeed often an excuse to monkey-branch in a new relationship. But nonetheless, if we don’t trust our partner, what’s the point of being in a relationship with him or her? We may as well stay single and never trust anyone again. 🤷♂️
Thanks for the comment!
Zan
Loool this is what I’ve been looking for. It explains everything. I had an argument with my ex on February 16 and she broke up, I decided to leave her alone for a while, reached out 4 days later and she told me she liked someone else. I had to go over to her house the next weekend to know if I can save my relationship. Got there and realized that she’s been talking to this new person since the 4th of February, they are both in the church choir she just joined recently and she feels like she has singing in common with him. He’s a year younger than she is but she’s been stealing kisses with him while she was telling me to come over and try to get the relationship fixed. I tried to talk some sense into her, even called a few friends to help me talk to her but suddenly my partner wouldn’t listen to me again. She just wanted to explore. I even had her up at night begging and cried over her leaving but she had her mind made up. I had to leave the next day and when I got home, she reached out trying to stay friends whic I agreed to because she said something about being confused and unable to make up her mind so I felt talking to her will change things. Few days later I found out she was still seeing this guy after telling me she’ll end things with him while she makes a decision and each time he comes over, they make out. I had to go no contact from Friday March 6 after I called her up and we had a last argument in which she said she was tired of everything. I went into No Contact but she reached out two days later saying she felt bad about how things ended, how she loved me when I left and loves to see me happy. I sent a text back telling her not to make too many mistakes and how I want her to be happy too. Haven’t spoken to her since then and she has not reached out yet. I wake up everyday feeling all down because I miss her so much, been stalking her twitter and she tweets about being happy to see that I’m doing okay from my tweets which I try to make look like I’m okay. I don’t know if she’ll ever come back. Never knew how much this will hurt but I can’t wait to get over it. I keep wishing she’ll reach out everyday even with breadcrumbs or to say she’s finally realized she made a mistake. Is there a chance she’ll come back. She’s always felt insecure in our relationship and always been scared that I’ll cheat because I always talk to and flirt with multiple women but I’ve never had an intention of cheating on my partner
I forgot to mention that she deleted all our photos on her phone during the four days after the breakup. Saw her texts with the new guy where she was talking about being tired of me and not knowing how to breakup and he was saying everything she needed to hear, even complimenting her and using words of affection which is something I’ve always known was her weakness. My ex couldn’t even kiss me anymore when we met up which is something she only does when she’s in love with someone (that’s what she told me. She can’t kiss you unless she’s in love with you) so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that she’s gone and I’m trying to heal
Hi Zan,
This webpage is wonderful helps me understand my situation and i still have questions. I’m still on a healing process for now i still feel pain and depressed.
My ex broke up with me last February. We’re 8 months in a relationship and we we’re on a long distance relationship. We met through my relatives living in his country. So then he started reaching out to me first then slowly knowing each other and moving forward we we’re officially in a serious relationship. Our life together was really amazing , we also had some misunderstandings and we both resolved it as normal relationships does. We enjoyed each other’s company though we’re in an LDR he had constant communication to me everyday and see each other 2-3 times a week that makes us comfortable with each other we both enjoyed our hobbies together and everything. He had me filed a Visa to visit his country but it wasn’t granted by the embassy so he told me he will be coming to me instead this year. We had plans for the future. We never really had big problems until then it was like late for me to find out about a woman he met 12 years ago in my country reached out to him on facebook. I trusted him on social apps since he informs me about people adding him (i didn’t ask him on this)cause he is not used to using facebook. But this one he didn’t say anything to me about the woman not until this January. He suddenly asked me by giving me the name of the woman and asked me if I know her. And said to him that ” i didn’t know her maybe you do cause you were here a long time ago”. Then he said he didn’t know her, but something inside me felt wondering but i didn’t took it to heart since i trust him and i just asked him why what about the woman. He said that the woman just messaged him “congratulations”. He said that he deleted the friend request twice (the woman requested twice already by the time he asked me about it) and ignored the message and i believed him. So after that we didn’t talk about it anymore but i had the chance to ask him again about the woman.Then he said he remembered that the woman was maybe the woman he met in my country a long time ago that they had short communication only because the woman change her number and cut him off completely without any reason given. He said he was disappointed of her doing that but they didn’t have official relationship for he said that it was only a couple of weeks they communicated and then ended..he also said he was wishing her to be his girlfriend but didn’t work out because of what she did and that was 12 years ago. To continue: The next month February, i noticed something weird about him being online for like 1-2 hours without chatting me it was the first time and it felt weird because i already know him since we communicated everyday. At first i just didn’t bother i wasn’t thinking anything bad until i sensed something different and thought about the woman again. So i chatted him how’s he doing never chatted me and asked him if the woman chatting him again. He told me the truth and ask sorry. I was shocked because before that he told me that he would never give this woman a chance and will not talk to her. But this time he did. I keep chatting but he ignored me he only replied he needs time to think. I keep calling but he won’t answer until i stopped i realized how dumb it is to that. After like 20 minutes he called and he saw me crying his face was like a sad kid and said sorry for what he did. He said that the woman messaged again 5 times he also he just wanted to sort out things with the woman and that the woman only apologized and explained why she cut him off. I was blank and ask for what but he didn’t say what reasons the woman said and that she only wants to be friends with him and i ask if how are they doing and if he is still interested or likes the woman he said No. I remembered he didn’t like the idea of being friends with her so he asked me how to block the woman. But he managed to do it on his own cause i was about to leave work and continue talking to him when i arrived home. That day he apologized many times to me and asked forgiveness many times he felt sorry seeing me cry he said that he will never do it again. He said that he doesn’t want to loose our relationship and me and that he really values what we have about us. So i forgave him (even tho it still hurts me inside). The next 3 days he continued showing his sincerity sending me flowers and keep on telling me that he loves me so much. I never talked about what happened anymore to show him i forgave him i felt he was worried that i was sad and about what happened. But i assured him of my forgiveness he was happy and thankful. On the fourth day i noticed again something weird after sending me some flowers he was like chatting off and on telling me about calling a builder in his work. I didn’t want to ask him or maybe im too suspicious since i trusted him again. So by the evening we started our schedule of talking on a video call we were so happy and he is very happy we talked for 4 hours. During those times he keeps telling me his love for me that he’s glad he found me it was like nothing happened and i was very happy too i felt that we moved on from that problem. We ended our call so very nicely that i slept very happy that night. The next morning was very depressing when i woke up he just left me a message saying sorry that I can’t be his boyfriend anymore cause he can’t stop thinking of the woman and that he didn’t planned it that it just happened and that he could not truly love me when he is always thinking of someone else. He unfriended me on Facebook, erased all our photos. It really hurts i was like my heart was stabbed with a knife. He was like killing me. What I could not understand is that how come you were both happy and the next day he left? Is he doing monkey-branching? Why would he lie and everything? He could have just break up formally. He just dumped me on a text message and never listened to me. I just responded if we can talk formally face to face. I tried calling but he won’t answer. I just texted him that he is a liar and that what he did to me is like killing me. He just seenzoned me. That was the end and i never tried begging him and i did no contact until now. Does he really feel something true for the the woman? Why that fast? Does he really forget everything about we have about our plans and me?
That i couldn’t understand yet why he did this to me.
(His mom cried about what happened to us)
Sorry for the long story it was still really fresh for me. I feel so down right now and please if you could enlighten me with the matter it would be very grateful for me. Thank you so much!
Hi Zan,
I greatly appreciate your help. Your words are so profound and truthful. Your work gave me strength and solace during the dark hours in the past three months. Now, she came back to me, left her newfound relationship, lived into my place, and ask to reconciliation. However, I feel empty and uncertain, and I don’t quite know if I could continue with her.
This is the story. She’s thirty, and I’m thirty. We were classmates since middle school, and we went to the same high school together. However, we were just ordinary friends before one, and half years ago, she randomly contacted me, and we started to talk online. Back then, she was out of a messy relationship (with a married man) for half a year, and I just broke up with a girl for three months. We quickly developed feelings and after three months of online talks, I moved to her city to her place.
We were quite happy in the relationship. She didn’t have many friends in that city. After work, we made dinner together, spend all the spare time together. From time to time the relationship became a little dull. However, I think it’s still good. We seldom fight, and we took care of each other. We never doubt each other because we know each other for more than 15 years. Besides, it looked like we only have each other in the city. Maybe that’s why problems didn’t surface.
One year later, we moved back to the city we grow up in. She lived in my house and found a new job. For me, I quit my job sometimes ago and was thinking of getting back to graduate school. I was writing a thesis and facing some serious difficulties. That was when the problems began. I ignored her (and everything in life) because I was worried about my thesis and application process. And I admit I became quite dispirited at that time, physically and emotionally. I helped her to find and move to a new department near her working place and went back to my house to focus on my difficulties.
On the contrary, her new job was exciting, new people, new opportunities. Her boss, who was 17 years older than her, started to chase her. She may resist for a while, and began to question him, how could we handle our relationship if you’re my boss at work?
Don’t worry, and I will handle it, her boss said.
She then said, I have a boyfriend, please give me time to solve it.
I can wait, her boss replied.
We had a big fight on the same day. I know nothing about her boss was chasing her. And for me, the argument is for trivial reasons and incomprehensible. She was super angry for my words and left my house at eleven pm. Two days ago, I felt she became distant, and something went wrong. I went to her place to talk to her.
‘The lad just left his house, smiled.’ She messaged her boss before I arrived.
The conversation was quite strange, she told me because I don’t have a job for a while and was dispirited, I lost some attraction to her. My ego was hurt, and I told her my current priority is solving my life-problems, and I was not suitable for a relationship. She suddenly agreed to break up with me and cried, though she didn’t want to disagree with the idea which was not brought by me. I sit under her department for a while, and she called me saying she misses me. I went to her room and sleep with her. The next morning, I send her a letter saying I’m sorry, proposed to make changes in several aspects. She kissed me and didn’t give me clear answers. I went back to my place.
I felt very strange that day that she seemed detached from me and was ready to leave the relationship. I didn’t know at the meanwhile she was drinking with her boss and flirting, and her boss touched her hand. I felt that my letter was not responded in any clear way and I wanted an answer, so I told her not to contact me since we’ve broken up. She went silent for two days, came to my place, picking her stuff.
I was shocked when I saw she became totally cold, distant, and determined. I just want to hear her saying that she wants to continue the relationship, and I was not thinking of any possibility that it became real. I cried for a second, and she was unmoved. I stopped pleading, politely said goodbye to her, helped her carry her things to the taxi. I collapsed as soon as the cab left my sight.
Her boss was waiting for her at the station. She cried; they slept together that night.
For me, the breakup was a great shock. I know I did a lot of wrong things and lost attraction to her, but I don’t expect a one-year relationship to end up this abruptly. Thank god I didn’t know anything about her boss. I went no contact, moved to a new place, focusing on my thesis, and used all my resources to make me feel better. One month later I send her about $3.5k to compensate her for the gifts (she brought me a lot of clothes) and the traveling fees during the time I don’t have income. She asked what that was, and I said compensation, she didn’t reply. The breakup caused me great pain, though.
Three months passed, I finished my thesis and solved most of my personal problems. I felt refreshed and ready to move on. I still thought about her from time to time, but I have accepted reality. That’s when I got her call. Like you said, ‘ex always cried back when they have an emotional breakdown.’ She moved to her boss’ place one month after breaking up with me, and their relationship became horrible. Her boss was an emotional manipulator and abuser, treat her badly. She started to miss me deeper and deeper and finally made the call. She started crying from the time of hearing my voice. I told her I’m doing pretty well and accept her choice. I felt like drowning in an icy lake when I realize she had a new relationship and was living together, but I didn’t show a sign. I kept the conversation positive and wished her well. She said she was very sorry and regretted the way she left me, and that ‘it’s when people lose something that they realize its preciousness.’ she said her life was really bad and that’s the karma, etc. Bullshit.
Hanging the phone after one and a half hours, I was pleased, even elated. My ego was fulfilled. But the uneasy came after the next day I open my eyes. I cannot bear the idea that she was tortured by another man. I used to love her so much, how can she don’t love herself like this? I can accept the breakup, but I cannot take this. Three days later, I decided I would not think about her mess or contact her for the rest of my life, and I delete her number from my phone. Five minutes later, I picked up the phone and called her out. She was elated and agreed without thinking. We met up again.
I didn’t agree with her reconciliation request directly, but I made two proposals. First, break up with her boss and move out as soon as possible. Second, seriously consider the possibility of continuing work in the place under her boss. She agreed. And did the formal as soon as her boss came back from another city. Because of the coronavirus lockdown, she cannot rent another house at the moment, and I agree with her to move into my place temporarily.
I didn’t directly ask her to resign because I don’t have the right to do that. However, that’s something that must be done because I cannot let her continue working under the boss. Thanks to the coronavirus again, the subbranch she worked in decided to close permanently, and she got her walking paper the day she broke up with her boss.
She is living in my place for more than half a month. She has debt issues, and I told her I could help her before she got a new job. I told her not to hurry, and it’s better to settle down and do some soul searching and solve her old life-problems. That’s when we can start freshly.
Now we lived as lovers, but I always feel something is not right. I achieved my goal. I got her back from another man, and she lost her job. But I found myself cannot trust her again. I told her we should be extremely frank with each other, and it’s the only way to overcome my trust issues. And I asked her if they are getting together before she broke up with me. She said no, that breaking up with me has nothing to do with her new relationship, that she didn’t accepted his chasing some days after finished with me. One night I sneak out and checked her messages log and found out all the timeline above. She didn’t tell me the truth, maybe because she doesn’t want to hurt me, or perhaps she wants to fool me again.
Technically, that is monkey-branching, right? Emotional cheating? They had been flirting and planning their relationship before she broke up with me. She had told me a long time ago that she won’t break up with a man unless she has made the backup plan. It is real. That is her behavior pattern. She thought her boss can bring her better things than me, so she left me without hesitate. She found out that was her delusion and left her boss the same way as she left me. She made a lot of promises to me and told me she loves me every day recently. I have no doubt that she needs me, wants to be with me, even wants to marry me. However, I have no doubt she will do the cheating once again in the future. Her childhood left her a lot of insecurities and fears, she lacks emotional independency, and her history revealed she has little moral standard concerning love. She didn’t conceal her past of being with multiple married men, cheatings, etc. That’s her pattern.
Deeply inside, I want to retaliate. I want her to feel the pain I endured when she was with her new partner. And I want the pain was caused by my own hand, not others. Sometimes I feel sad about this because I don’t want to hurt her, but it’s the only way to satisfy myself. I can accept the breakup, but I cannot accept betrayal.
I treat her nicely these days, very nice and sweet. Because tragedy is to lose something good, not something bad. She will love me again, and lost me, as abrupt as last time. That’s my retaliation plan.
It’s very unhealthy and meaningless, I know. But I feel that I cannot restart my life before finishing all this. I cannot simply walk away, and I cannot be with her like nothing happened. The only way to move on seems to be dumping her at the right moment. I will help her during her hardship, and I will despair when time is ready.
Sorry for writing so long. I know most people don’t read long stories beyond one screen these days. And I’m sorry for my English language. Thanks so much for reading, and any suggestions are welcomed.
Also, thanks again, Zan, for your work.
Best regard,
David
Hi Zan,first of all thanks for this great article & spot on as it has happened to me now. My long distance relationship ex-girlfriend from Thailand monkey branched me since last November 2019 when all her red flags started to surface which are gaslighting, hide me from her WeChat Moments & ignoring my texts & calls.I didn’t even know she cheated on me until i confronted her & force her to confess.& just like you said i lose my cool & she used it against me & blocked me immediately from her social media & phone. She said she hates me, being rude to her,not a gentleman, doesnt love me, don’t want to see me again, accused me of cheating on her & finally broke up with me. I’m doing auto No contact now as she has blocked me totally. So my big question is, is there a chance that she will reach out to me? Honestly i really still love her & i’m willing to forgive her & start everything new with her. We dated each other for about 6 months before she started to change. Thank you for reading my problems.
No. It’s been a year now since you left that. Hopefully, if you get flagged on this you can come back and see the progress you’ve made.
I recently separated (we never actually said the work “breakup”) with a coworker. When we started flirting she was with someone (I learned that the day she told me of her breakup) early on our relationship I learned that she was going out with other guys (sex involved) and I told her I had lost all confidence on her. After a talk we got back together. Down the line she told me she had feelings for somebody else while with her ex ex boyfriend (lets say boyfriend 1, boyfriend 2-the previous to me) but nothing happened because the other guy was on a relationship and didn’t want to cheat on her partner.
I have to say through the relationship I noticed weird sings, her turning off her cell phone’s screen if I was around, she didn’t answer her phone if it was a registered number and I was around (the only 2 times she picked up was unknown numbers, one of them a guy asking if she was available to hang out) needles to say I became jealous (which I never was before) on early September I checked her whatsapp (I knew I might get caught but after all the tings that made me suspicious I had to know)
I found conversations of her and one of her classmates (a guy) near Christmas, at around 1:30am saying how much fun she had with him and that if it wasn’t for work she would have gone to the other bar with him (she told me she was going out with her classmates) I’m not saying they went out by themselves, I tried calling her twice that night and she didn’t pick up.
Later I found another conversation of them, and he was asking for photos to remember how beautiful she was. My ex politely replied no, but asked him to go out with her and another friend hiking for the day. She didn’t invited me.
When I talked to her about it a few weeks later she said something like “what’s wrong with talking to people who find me attractive”!!
Anyway by the first week of December we spitted. She asked me if I always was jealous like that and she wondered if she was doing right in thinking I was much better than that.
By that point I wanted to tell her the truth, and tell her I was never like that, but because no one before had given me reasons to be jealous. But I knew she wouldn’t take that well, considering she never acknowledged her mistakes and rarely said “I’m sorry” so I just said “I won’t say anything against whatever you want to think of me, you’re always on the right so there’s no way I could explain and you would understand”
To what she replied that she was not surprised I didn’t want to talk more serious issues. I just replied that I thought we could not have a civil conversation, but I would love to do that (all this by text)
Move forward, when we got the chance to talk, it was her dumping all her feelings on me. I didn’t have the chance to talk much really, since she started crying.
Something that she said was that all her relationships had been with a jealous partner, and “being beautiful had caused her too many problems in life” I felt like saying “I think it doesn’t have anything with your looks, but with the way you behave, if I can relate to our relationship”
I asked for a opportunity to talk to what she replied I could send and email (I never sent anything) and that hurt, because I felt I could’ve explained some things.
Anyway, after about 2 weeks of or moving apart, I saw her right outside our work, kissing another guy, I stood by her side and she didn’t even care, matter of fact they walked by me holding hands.
The guy, I think’s an old boyfriend (of several years ago, with whom she kept contact)
Now I’m so happy she got out of my life, as I’ve learned I’m in the acceptance face, and seeing my ex for the true self.
A couple of days ago I came up with this:
“The way people act and treat you at the end of a relationship and not at the beginning, reveals that person’s true self”
Would I want to get back with her? Hell no.
Zan, thank you so much for all the information you give us, I’ve read a lot on your blog and I must say I’ve found very accurate the points described here.
I forgot to mention, we’re in the no contact rule, yesterday I said hello, she replied, same today, but she didn’t say goodbye when she left (she walked past me) so I’m thinking stooping saying anything to her. She soft blocked me (I did unfollow her on instagram but she blocked me on facebook, which we don’t use almost at all) but she hasn’t blocked me on whatsapp (the app she uses most)
At first, when she acted mean towards me I stopped even looking at her, but I could tell she was trying eye contact.
After I saw her with this other guy (I don’t think they’re together, but most likely the did have something) she avoided eye contact. Me too.
Should I stop saying hello, after she doesn’t care to even be polite to me?
Thank you!
Wow at this entire site.
I was actually a branch for my ex. She was dating this guy earlier last year and near the end of their relationship, she started to get lunch with me to reconnect (we haven’t seen each other in a year and we had great chemistry). She started to spill the beans that their relationship was going terrible during that lunch break and we talked about it a lot. I really like her so here I am, a fool, thinking that this is my chance to have the girl of my dreams.
Fast forward a couple days, she starts wanting to hang out and ends up at my place multiple times after work- but we don’t do anything sexual because she’s still in a relationship.
Boom. She ends it with her boyfriend.
Now she told me that it feels like I’m becoming her next boyfriend too quickly and that she needs time to have a 4 day “break” from talking? I’m cool with that, she just got out of something. Over that 4 day break, she hangs out with my guy friend and they watch the sunset, goes to his house, makes dinner with him, and then stays there till 2am making art with him? Apparently they did nothing sexual together from what she tells me “he’s just a friend” . Maybe she lied to me? I’ll ask him later.
I come back and asked her if she did anything over the 4 day period and she says she did nothing? And then every day that followed, she would tell me that she just watched sunset with him…..then the next day she would tell me that she went to his house…. then the next day she told me they made dinner together…you get the idea.
Boom. Here I am like, Ok no way in HELL am I going to go through this competition with my friend to date her. So I tell her that whole situation sketched me out + the only time i’ll be back in the city is next year so I’m not down to date her, but I’m open to be friends with benefits until I head back to school if she is down–I was doing a summer internship in her city at the time. She is cool with it.
We end up having a beautiful time those 7 weeks I was in town, literally everything felt perfect. But in the back of my head I knew that I had to leave her at the end.
The last week, she asks me if we’re going to make it official while we’re heading to get lunch. I tell her, I can’t bring myself to do it because of the stuff that happened over the break + long distance–I said I want to trust her but I can’t.
Boom. She starts sobbing in public and makes me feel guilty for my choice? I was trying to comfort her but she kept pushing me away? I didn’t know how to act, so I just sat there for the 25~30mins she was crying.
I give it a day or 2 and I’m like fuck it, let’s try it and see what happens?
Boom. We’re dating and the week I leave she says she’s going to go to Europe before she starts working full time and invites me to visit for a week. Tickets were like 200 round trip so I’m like let’s do it, we’re in love and we’re young. So the trip is scheduled like 3 months out, I travel internationally frequently so it’s not a big deal.
Minor detail, she invited the “just a friend’ and my other guy friend to some dancing class with her? This really put me on the edge because I wasn’t sure if he was going to be the next monkey branch. But I didn’t want to be that boyfriend, so I say nothing. They ended up not replying to her for whatever reason.
Boom. 2 weeks after I leave the city, she cheats on me. Says it was a drunk mistake. Now I’m locked into this trip (I actually wanted to go regardless). I break things off with her, was planning on doing no contact until we got there, enjoying myself abroad, and then completely cutting her off when I left.
long story short, she made the abroad trip horrible even though I acted as if nothing happened & still is trying to contact me. It’s been 1 1/2 months since i’ve replied.
I’m not looking for advice, just wanted to share my story with everyone. Sometimes you know the right answer but your emotions cloud your judgement.
Zan,
Very well thought out and written article that I can appreciate having been the dumpee after a 3.5 year relationship with a lovely 62 year old woman who appears codependent and a people-pleaser. That right there reveals the underpinnings of how we got to the monkey branching. I am a long time recovering Nice Guy, observer of human behavior and caring individual. I had learned to truly make decisions to trust and accept my partner as she was, and that helped make for a great 3.5 years. Of course, some describe the relationship with the people-pleaser as like winning the relationship jackpot, and I have to agree.
Today, three months after the breakup, she has returned to my social scene, the one she originally entered as my partner, now with her replacement, who is also an outsider. I power through the discomfort trying to be the best man I can be. I know and experience abundance. Yet it is still heartbreaking because we had so much fun together, we grew so much together, and now I witness her significant downgrade.
Isn’t life something.
Regards.
Hi Zan,
Great article. My ex left me after 3 years for another guy. She said she did no sleep with him before the breakup but moved to his place in two weeks and even to the city where I live. We were not living together. I went with no contact, and she contacted me after two months and invited me to his (her) flat. She said she just had wanted to see me. She also said she made a mistake but won’t leave the new guy. He seems to be better than me in terms of money and masculinity. But is not educated at all. I told her if she changes her mind and wants to work on our relationship to give me a call, otherwise not to contact me. I feel she was too impulsive with her decision. What are the odds this is a rebound and will fail, and she might come back? She is 21, and the new guy is 28. I’m 25 and finishing uni.
Thanks a lot for any answer, kind regards
Martin
Hi Martin.
It’s hard for me to say whether their relationship will fail because I don’t know how their relationship functions.
I suppose you’ll see after the honeymoon phase has ended and reality seeped in.
Until then, stay strong and work on yourself!
You’re the only person who matters right now.
Best regards,
Zan
I have to say that everything you have said is 100% on the button bang on I am in my 50s and have had a lot of experience believe me,
This young generation need to understand about raw primal masculinity and feminity, the damages of social conditioning etc to educate one’s self in this will save their young lives you know what I am talking about and how deep this goes
Please people go back to Mother Earth, Nature and the Animal kingdom learn how to live the way it was meant to be not in greed etc
We are not destroying the Planet Earth we can only destroy ourselves .
Everything we are being told is to Brain Wash us it’s about money, power greed etc
Open all Three of your Eyes and see what I and people like me see
You all are like the poor Pit Ponies in the mines with blinkers on “up and down the same ** road every day with the same mental/physically or emotionally load on your back every day sustaining this bullshit economy
Hi Jim.
Thanks for the comment. It makes sense.
Best,
Zan
Hi, I am not sure if you can provide any advice, but it would have been very helpful and like life saver. I think my ex-boyfriend monkey branched with a girl months before moving on to chicago.
We started relationship when I was 16 years old and he 19 years old. (Now I’m 28 years old and he 30) It was love of my life we where together for more then 10 years until the final break this July.
We was so in love with each other everybody was like how you guys are keeping things like this?
Talked with him about everything and he with me until one point that will tell you below.
We was like bffs and lovers mix. Never had a secret from him.
He said to me I need a bit space I was like okay get the space it’s okay. Told him time to time that I’m feeling a second best thing to you but nothing changed during a year. But I was like okay we will go from Europe to the US so I will let him spend time with everybody else but me.
Several months before finding everything out he was cold with me while we was in relationship but he always was saying I will return 100% back I don’t know what I have bla bla bla. I trusted him and never could image all this.
He was bit sad for his 30s birthday (mid crisis I guess).
We talked about all the details together. Never had a fights or a breakup during all those years.
He was more calm that me, I was sometimes more talking person.
He won a Green Card lottery on 2017 and we got married but we lived in our own homes. Because thought that will starts to live together when we move to the USA.
Then GC office never called about interview and was really hard 2 years for us.
Then we took a visa tourist on and went to chicago on 10 April.
When we was in chicago he was even colder and I found a deleted screenshot with a girl. And couldn’t stay calm I was mad and asked how is she? He said no one, you are jealous as always. Then next day I wanted to talk about ‘how is she?’ He was like a girl that I have been talking time to time last 2-3 months. And he said stuff like the attraction and passion it’s dim so I need a break 4 months break. And I asked him what did you do to not dim those things? Because I have give you the time that you asked for.
I was extremely sad, needy and all other worst things, everything that was wrong aI did it during 2 last days in chicago.
During those days with every panic mind of me he was saying time to time you are proving me that you don’t deserve me (it’s exactly all the things that you wrote in article monkey branching)
On our way back I said to him in the airport ‘the break time’ that you wants does that means that we can talk, write messages, meet, other persons like that girl? He was like no I just want to calm my mind and I was okay take the time.
When we returned to Kosovo (after 3 worst weeks in chicago) I did finding friends app with his phone and he didn’t knew about it and I he was spending a lot of time on the apartment and not in his home. And I was like what if he is in depression or something how can I help him? (Errors that I didn’t knew that I’m doing because this was my first breakup ever and I’m 28 old haha)
I went to apartment and saw with my eyes that he was getting out from apartment with that girl and he didn’t knew it after some days he has found out.
And her mum found out that he cheated me, he knew that I saw through the app and he was extremely mad and wrote me in viber app saying me yes I cheated you and and and? I was surprised calm I don’t know even how. And said minimum bad words to him. And he said our relationship even if I would want to return to you I will not with your behavior. With all those things that YOU DID. And he didn’t do nothing at ‘all’ a branching, cheating and everything. So in the end all of that was my fault.
Maybe was acting desperate maybe would have been better just to let him go and not show that drama me but I was extremely extremely sad and in bad situation and didn’t know nothing how to act in those situations.
So we got to a office to get divorced (separately) then he wrote me a message: like let’s get a drink if you are near by. I went I was calm (because took a pill to be calm) was talking and laughing in normal way, wasn’t needy at all and tried to talk normally. I know that he was surprised.
The next day he wrote me for a paper that he needed and I said to him please don’t written me for stupid things we are not together this is what you actually wanted right? And told him if you aren’t really sorry and if you will ever see what you did please don’t write me again (I want 0 contact from you) and if you try to write me I will block you in every social media and he was like okay we will meet and talk we don’t need to write in msg (and he said it several times) and I don’t know if I was too rude on this way but it was too much getting stupid messages of him like (can you give me this, can you give me that) so I put boundaries and since that day msg that was on 24 July we are at no contact rules didn’t heard from him I think that he still is with that girl.
I still cannot get over it has pass almost 4 months of NC.
Those was the hardest months of my life.
He is such a stubborn person and during our relationship he said that when things are broken we will never got back together, never forget that.
But also he said that cheating it’s so cheap and I would never do it and he did it.
And I’m thinking what if he is so ashamed what he did and that my family knows it may push him away to not contact me ever?
Should I ever write him first? What you suggest as expert?
I’m still so lost and would want to have a chance and see if we can fix anything and create new relationship.
I truly loved him and still do even that I’m extremely hurt.
But now I started to try to improve myself to be better me.
I don’t know if I was clear enough about the situation because my mind gets so so messy and it’s like this since May when we was in chicago.
Do I have any chance with him?
Will he see what he actually did?
Will we have any chance?
Will he want me back?
With this brief do you think that I made a lot mistakes for him to never come back? Or he did huge mistakes to not let himself return back?
Do you think that monkey branching will last?
Please give me one path because my mind will explode doing those questions everyday…
I appreciate a lot a lot your help especially from a guy mind because I don’t know what to think anymore
Thank you million times for this website and your help on this.
And omg your articles are so so amazing I have save almost all on notes so when ai have a shitty day (that is every day) will read them over and over again. So thank you for making this
Sincerely,
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I got the blame for his monkey branching ways. So disrespectful and so hurtful. Don’t contact him. Work on yourself and creating a better more happier confident you. Find joy and love with your life without him. Take back your self esteem and self worth. You deserve better. Regardless of the issues in your relationship, monkey branching is cheating and it’s not ok. Give yourself time to heal and process everything that has happened if you guys are meant to be then you need to love yourself and show him by being happy on your own and that you are far from ok with his behavior. By being happy with your life will make you more attractive and he will see that but he is the one to chase you as he did you wrong and he’s the one who needs to prove that. You deserve better whether it be from him or someone else. Know your worth. Xx
PS I know how hard no contact is, I going through the exact same thing as you. It’s easier for me to say this to you than acknowledge it to myself!
Hi Linda,
I am from Kosovo as well. I have a similar story as well. How about we get in touch with each other and share our stories?
Hi Zan,
I read almost all your post since i discovered your site.
All are great and so detailed that help me in the process of recovery.
Sometimes i read some posts once in 2-3 days just to remember and memorise them
Unfortunetly i broke up with my fiancee (i was about to propose her this year) on 23rd september.
She ghosted me and 1.5 months before the “breakup” happened and she monkey branched from a guy from diferent city she meet at work.
Long story short: on 23rd september she left me without saying anything, she left ALL her stuff at my house, she didn’t quit her job, she just never showed up at work at 2nd shift and mess things realy bad at the company where we were working toghether and i get a big scandal at work since I guarantee with my head that she is a good person for that job and the management hired her based on my word.
It was so hard to get her hired in the company where i work for 3 years already and she was so happy that after 1 year of trying to get a decent job ,she got hired in a company where she didn’t even dream to get in cause the lack of studies.
Back on the topic, on 23rd september she just ran away with this guy to a diferent city without saying anything to me. She was on 2nd shift and i was on 1st shift (diferent departments) and she run away from home. She left her phone,her eveything!!! i mean everything. she left with just with her purse and the cloths she was dressed with and @200 EUR.
It’s true that she threatened me to break up 1 month after she get hired (1st june 2019) and i told her that i feel like she used me in all these 7 years and it’s not fair and if she realy want to break up with me she shoud think twice to what we have build so far and if she want to go, she shoud go with nothing because i am not her fool it’s not fair-play. we were both angry and i didn’t think.
We were together and we leave together for 7 years, we helped each other in everything. She helped me finish college, i helped her finish her high school. I was 21 and she was 17 when we meet. She had a hard life in her family and she quit school in that moment.
We have many memories and we did a lot of things together.
We had a very strong connection.For example: when one of us was sad for no reason, the other felt that even if we were far away from each.
She ghosted me before in the past, but then she contacted me or she told me that she will stay with her parent for a few days to calm down. Last year she tryed again to monkey branch from a guy.
But she stayed at her mom house and he was far away. It was a short long-distance relationship with that guy for 2 months.After that we get back together.
But now it’s different. She already moved with another guy she meet 1.5 months before she run away. In this 1.5 months we went in an expensive hollyday we wanted so much.
After she “brokeup” i looked in her phone that she also left at home and saw that she was texting everyday with that guy. IN OUR HOLLYDAY god damn where we were talking about weading and kids and future plans and had a really good time !!!! I think she texted that guy when i was at shower or when i was at bathroom cause those were the only moments when we were not fizicaly near each other.
What shoud i do now?
I have a strong feeling that things won’t work between her and that idiot. He is a trucker and i bet he is most of the time away from home. I saw some of his pics on facebook and his mom doesn’t look like a nice person at all.
All the time i trusted my feeling because even in the day she left and in the days she left in the past i felt that something bad will happen.And i have many more examples like this.
I have lost 8kg. Start to drink, smoke a lot, don’t eat for days, hard to focus at work, hard to sleep and wake up.
Instead I started going to the psychologist.
I start to use law of attraction. to calm myself, to put myself back on my feet.
But due the fact that i literaly saved her from home where she was living in a toxic enviroment, i “raised” her and teach her many things and she was thankful for that, due the fact that we lived together for 7 years, had our own jokes, habits, we were alike in everything except that we had communication problems, due to this facts i know in my heart and also in my breain that she can’t be with someone else.
She is just trying to do this but she can’t.
And now I am in constant wait.
What shoud i do in this case?
I can’t move on. I can’t go in any direction.
I am waiting her to get back because one day she will get back. Her dad is thinking the same.I dont speak to her mom cause for no reason she hate me.Her mom did the same with her dad and it seems that she teach her childrens to do the same.My friends tell me that she will come back, sometimes even my psychologist looks like she know that my gf will get back at me one day.
I know this in my heart.
I am asking for your oppinion because everything you are writing it’s fascinating and clever and you look like a guy who know everything.
All the tips i read on your site are good for me and for my mental health and i need your personal advice on my problem
What to do?! What to do?!
I avoid to get her phone number, i didn’t contacted her new facebook even is she blocked me.
I created a fake account just to spy on her but i dont do that anymore since i read some of your posts.
I can write to her from that account but i dont want to. I just want her to see that there is no better person for her except me. I want to see herself and i want her to contact me.She is stubborn but i hope she will contact me.
Her father will try to call her these days because she didn’t speak with anyone from her family and the police will give him her number.
Forgot to say that i was so affraid that something bad will happen to her that i went to the police to report her missing.They found her but she refused to give me via police any information about where she is and so on. Her father will contact her.The problem is, that she hates her father due to hard childhood she had cause of him (in reality cause of her mom but that’s a diferent story).
He helped us get back together in the past many many times.
I wonder if he will do the same now.
We talked and i adviced him not to contact her at all since she is all alone in her new “family” and in a rebound.
The more he will tell her that she is doing the wrong thing, the more she will convince herself she is doing the right thing. Like i said: she must see herself that she is making a big mistake.
And because she refuse to comunicate sometimes i bet she will have major problems in her rebound.
So…it will end fast.
But her father get us together before…What to do?! What to do?!
Long story, many problems,many questions..I pray to God she will get back to me asap 🙁
I realy need your advice on this and i realy realy apreciate if you got time to read this and repply to it.
By the way: you shoud write more about ghosting and monkey-branching.
If my english it’s not quite perfect please apologise but i am not a native English speaker.
Best regards and much apreciation for your work,
Mihail
Hi Mihail,
I am in similar situation, just with some extra time after the breakup. I was with my ex wife for close to 10 years we got married in late 2016. After New Year 2019 and our holiday, she told me the marriage is not what she had imagined and she wants to move out. She was acting wierd for last 2-3 months and I suspected cheating..
It turned out she was after her boss at work and once she left me, it took her about 2 months to already move in with this guy. They ust have been having an affair for quite some time..I told her I would never be able to trust her obviously again and let´s proceed with divorce. We got divorced in May 2019 and I never saw her again since then..
Even though it´s close to a year this happened, it still hurts. I guess the hardest part is accepting you devoted so much time to someone, who turned out to be completely different person. But I guess it all worked out well for me. Worse would be discovering this later down the road with kids etc.
She is that guy problem now. He is going to be the one sleeping with one eye open.
And as for you and me – there is somebody better out there!
Cheer up, Jan
Hei Jan,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so sad to see people’s putting their trust in the person they love so much and in the end they get disappointed.
I think your experience hurt’s a lot more than mine because you invested 10 years of your life in her and you were also married.
It really sucks.
But let’s view the good part: we are hurt as f*ck now but we will get better and find someone who deserve and apreciate all our love and involvement.
In the meantime our ex’es will be happy but will soon realise that they’re new partener isn’t what they expected to be and they will try reverse monkey – rebranching or they will just move on to a new fool leaving behind another broken heart.
And they won’t stop untill they won’t have where to go anymore.
I found out this weekend (by stalking her new facebook account) that she meet her rebound guy after 9 working days after she was hired.
And she work 3.5 months in the company.
And in all this time, she acted better than an Hollywood Actor. She lied everyone around her.
No one felt nothing, she was acting so damn good !!!!
She was speaking at work about us and about how good we are getting along.
Even if she have moments when she litteraly want to break my head 🙂 she still love me and she still see the future near me. Her co-workers told me all this since they were in shock as well and tryed to understand her.
Everybody was in shock cause all was expecting to come at our weading and they saw us as a perfect couple.
Enough with the past !!!! What was, it was , what is done, is done !!!
Like Zan say in most of his articles: get over ex’es, become a better version of yourself for you, for your ex or for your future relationship.
Focus on the present, focus on your needs, on your dreams.
And after 2 months i’m happy and glad to say that even if it still hurts, i start going to the gym and i’m planning to get a racing bike in early spring (this is my dream from 13 years ago) 🙂
I recomand you to do the same. Be a little selfish !
Enjoy life and go for your dreams !
Now i dont have the power to say “NO” to her if she contact me to get back together. I admit this and i know time is working in my favor in every way possible.Her rebound won’t last for long.She is just used by that guy.She was fooled and she dont see this.Also they will have serious issues with money and this will result in many fights and argues. I am 100% sure that she will come back to me but i am wondering if she will come when i will have the power to reject her or before i will completely heal and i will take her back ?!
From what you wrote Jan, i am confident your story will be the same but in a diferent way.
If that guy have money and he interfere in your marriage he will put himself some question marks and will dump her eventually since i bet he can’t trust a women who cheat his husband for someone better.Cause one day, she will find someone better than him. And also remember that beauty is fleeting.
I have an inner joy when I think that she gave up our plans because it took another 2 years until we got married for a guy who doesn’t know at all and hopes to have a wedding and children in less than 2 years.
Almost forgot to say that the new guy is still a baby that doesn’t come out of my mother’s word at 26 years old.He live with her mom as well. He doesn’t think at all at marriage,kids.
I can read people easy and until now I have never been wrong 🙂
And if that happens, she will be a housewife living with her mother in law,lets say with her baby, with her baby husband and she will be with no future, friends, ideals, goals in life and so on.
Which is the exact opposite of what she wanted to achieve with her life.
I’m happy because she will regret me one day !!!
Follow your dreams 🙂
Best regards,
Mihail
Hi, I am not sure if you can provide any advice, but it would have been very helpful. I think my ex-boyfriend monkey branched with a girl months before moving on to chicago.
We started relationship when I was 16 years old and he 19 years old. It was love of my life we where together for more then 10 years until July ‘19.
Several months before finding everything out he was cold with me while we was in relationship but he always was saying I will return 100% back I don’t know what I have bla bla bla. I trusted him and never could image all this.
He was bit sad for his 30s birthday (mid crisis I guess).
We talked about all the details together. Never had a fights or a breakup during all those years.
He won a Green Card lottery and we got married but we lived in our own homes. Because thought that will starts to live together when we move to the USA.
Then GC office never called about interview and was really hard 2 years for us.
Then we took a visa tourist and went to chicago.
When we was in chicago he was even colder and I found a deleted screenshot with a girl. And couldn’t stay calm I was mad and asked how is she? He said no one. Then next day I wanted to talk about ‘how is she?’ And he was like I need a break 4 months break. I was extremely sad, needy everything worst in that situation.
During those days with every panic action of me he was saying time to time you are proving me that you don’t deserve me.
When we returned to Europe (after 3 worst weeks in chicago) I saw he going out from apartment with that girl.
Then he was mad that I saw that and he said it’s over our relationship even if I would want to return to you I will not.
Maybe was acting desperate maybe would have been better just to let him go and not show that drama me but I was extremely extremely sad and in bad situation.
So we divorced then he was like let’s get a drink. Then I was talking and laughing, wasn’t needy at all and tried to talk normally.
After 2 days he wrote me for a paper that he needed and I said to him please don’t written me for stupid things we are not together this is what you wanted right? And told him if you aren’t sorry and will never see what you did don’t ever write me again because will block you in every social media and he was like okay we will meet and talk (said it several times) and since 24 July we are at no contact rules.
I still cannot get over it has pass 3 months of NC.
Should I ever write him first? What you suggest as expert.
I’m still so lost and would want to have a chance and see if we can fix anything.
I truly loved him and still do.
Thank you million times for this website and your help on this.
P.S sorry tried to not write a very long story. If you need any more details about my relationship please let me know 🙂
Sincerely,
Linda
Hey,
My ex-gf monkey branched me. Left me for someone else. We were in a 7 year relationship. She started to distance herself from me at the end of the relationship and at the end told me that its my fault because i was every time unavailable for her. She broke up with me on 30th march. Then in may she send me a mail where she told me that in the last year of relationship she didn’t feel love with me. After that my ex reached out me in june, then in August wished me on my birthday, then in september messaged me by asking “how are you? and I miss u”. Then today she messaged me to “will you talk or meet me?” I didn’t responded to any messages of her. I know i love her but i know she left me for some other person. She cheated on me.
What should i do? should i meet her? or should i respond to her message. one more thing On the day of breakup i propose her for marriage, She said she kissed someone else “which she didn’t mean to”.
Over these 6 months, I cried a lot. I try to control my anxiety. I try not to message of call her. Instead of that i call my friend to talk about it. Everyone Be patient. Life if beautiful.
I know i am not heal fully. Everyday i think about her. Because i always saw her as my life partner. Love is very painful. Trust is very rare.
Hi John.
If you want another shot, then I suggest you reply to her and find out what she wants.
If you want to keep healing, on the other hand, then don’t do anything that causes you pain and anxiety. It will likely set you back badly.
Trust is indeed rare to find so decide whether your ex is capable of learning her lesson.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey zan,
I replied her back. She wanted to meet me. I told her the place to meet nearby to her office but she was scared to come there(coz her new bf work with her), but agreed to come. Then in the last moment i cancelled the plan because then i thought she left me for someone else
I replied ” i thought and realised that we should not meet coz it would be unfair and not loyal to the person whom u r dating now”
I played the victim card.
She replied : fine… Yes it would be unfair and not loyal to all the people whom i am dating..because i am wrong in searching for a life partner.. And it would be equally unfair to the girls u must be talking to… All the best in future. Goodbye…”
Then after some hours she send me sorry and said forget anything i wrote.
Then i didnot reply anything.
After 2 days she blocked me on whatsapp
Then after few days she unblocked me.
I am in NC again
Zan, i know she left me for another guy but she didn’t know that i know this.
I am so devastated. I invested 7 years of my life. She change her whatsapp dp and status in which she enjoying and going out trip.
Its been 7 months in our breakup. She is with that guy. I think there is no chance that she would come back.
One more reason for not meeting her is that i am not healed properly. I thought after meeting, if not positive or if she came only for closure, i would be more devastated.
Zan bro help me. What should i do?
I love her. I know that i had made mistakes in the relationship but she monkey branch. I never thought in my whole life she can do these things to me.
One more thing to add. She always listen to her elder brother advise. Her brother didnot like me also. Her brother also played minor role in our breakup.
Sometime i think she is just playing some mind game with me.
Since then(14th oct).. We didn’t message to each other.
Now should i message her or should i again wait. Now NC is broken. What could i do?
The person she left me for earn more than me and work with her.
I also thought that why she is in touch with me because she scared that i would tell other guy regarding our past relationship and that she cheated on me. (but I’ll not do these kind of low shit)
Zan bro my life is going through hell. What should i do bro?
Sometime i think that was my last chance. I wanted her to comeback but i know she is not the same person now.
Moving on is quite difficult for me. Its been 7 months i have done only little improvement in me.
Zan should i talk to her or again go in NC. Because if i go again in NC she will be moving on very easily now.
Hi John.
She’s moving on with or without you.
So stay in no contact and heal. You mustn’t reach out to her. Especially not when she’s dating someone.
Wait for their relationship to end and she might contact you.
But until then, improve yourself, friend.
Don’t waste this post-breakup time.
Best,
Zan
Man, that happened to me. 7 years and he left me for somebody of his job… the job we both dreamed, the one that i help him to got with contacts. He do not know that i know. But i am recovering and i do not feel the need to get back with him. The only thing i ask God is: Give me the chance to tell him that i knew what he did and… Divine Justice… because i did not deserved what he did.
Trust does not mean that others have to do things the way you expect them to. Trust means to become vulnerable
Hi,
My ex boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We had a good relationship and never fought. At the end of our relationship one of his friends started acting more interested in him and he started talking about her more. He said he wasn’t attracted to her at all. He seemed happy with me. A week before our breakup he called me up, crying, to tell me how much he loved and missed me. We broke up almost two months ago and started dating her almost immediately and they really show each other off on instagram. He still texts me at least once a week, we hung out twice and he said he wanted to hang out soon, and he still keeps our pictures on instagram and facebook. I think he still has some feelings for me but I’m not sure.
Hi Amber.
Right now, his focus is on her. So as long as this is the case, he’s trying to make his new relationship work.
Stay strong and show him you’re okay with the breakup.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend left me in April – he broke it of over the phone after more than 2,5 years in a serious relationship. I have had very little contact with him since- we even meet for an session with therapist. That didnt do any good as it justified everything for him and left me with more questions. I have asked him several times if he had meet someone else (I had a relationship in my 20s that ended with cheating so that is always my nightmare)
Now I have realised that he is in a relationship with an old female friend. I even asked about her! I have no idea when their contact have changed from normal friendship to more contact but I am pretty sure it happened during this winter. He has been quite depressed and sad during the winter (he turned 41 so maybe a small midlife crisis) I just think that was why he had been withdrawing a bit on us- other than that he was nice as usual- we was always close and attentive when together.
Now he seems to be in a relationship and it kills me! He haven’t told me anything- but just lied to my face.
Why don’t he just tell me the truth when he has nothing to loose? We are still friends on Facebook and he haven’t removed pictures or tagged photos. Why is that when it is obvious that he has moved on?
I still have his things and he has mine. We had talked about it a few times about exchanging the things but only on my initiative. But since middle/end may I haven’t heard a thing from him. Why is that? Why don’t he just want to close the book on us when he has moved forward?
Why do men thing that it is easier just to cut the contact completely? And why is it me that need to contact him about our things?
So sorry for this long long writing- but I have so many questions that I somehow is looking for answers on.
I really miss him and his 2 children- we didn’t lived together but I was at his place a lot and the loss have made a big hole in my heart and life.
Hi Mary.
He doesn’t want to tell you the truth because that would hurt you. He instead runs away from the problem and lets you deal with it on your own.
He probably has closed the book but doesn’t care enough about his things. The same can be said about not contacting you as he wants to be left alone for now.
I know he’s hurt you a lot, but this doesn’t mean you should wait for him. Do your best to detach from him and find activities to distract yourself with.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
I am not sure if you can provide any advise.
I think my ex-boyfriend monkey branched with a girl from work who also had a boyfriend. My ex and her split up with me (and her ex) at the same time and went on their first date two days later. I assume they had the conversation about leaving their current relationships for a new one.
I used to live with my ex and I had moved to my parents temporarily to try and fix things between us, when I came home one day to pick something up he pulled up with her in the car, she stayed the night in my bed, I got a text saying “did you need something” and my parents moved me out 3 days later.
I thought this relationship would have ended by now, but it hasn’t. He is taking her out and doing things that we used to do together that I thought mean’t something and I have just found out they booked a holiday for the end of September together.
It has been a month since he split up with me and all this stuff has happened, I have done the NC rule for 30 days now (I didn’t reply to his text). I am still so heartbroken and upset, I don’t know how to cope or move on. I have this craving feeling that I want him back but I think deep down I know that after he cheated on me and has done all this, I don’t actually want to be back with him. I just want all the pain and hurt to stop.
We were together on/off for 10 years but have been friends for 13, he was such a big part of my life and we went through so much together. I just don’t know how he can treat me with this little respect and as if i never existed.
This new girl looks very similar to me, drives the same car, as the same hair ect.
I am just looking for some help or advice.
Thanks, Lucy
Hi Lucy.
You probably shouldn’t get back together with him since he cheated on you. The fact that your relationship had been unsteady, you may want to consider dating others as well. Perhaps both of you should look for someone better suited. Right now, you need to heal before you date so try to focus on yourself for a while. I know it hurts to lose someone so abruptly in such a disrespectful way, but you need some self-love right now.
As for what you should do – do nothing. You can’t interfere with her relationship. Wait it out, and if it ever ends, you might have another chance.
Best,
Zan
My ex girlfriend monkey branched and started dating the guy within a month. They have been going on vacations together and she would show him off to social media. I don’t have her on social media anymore obviously but I hear about it from friends. I saw her at a bar a couple days ago and said hi and talked for a couple minutes before I ended it and left, her new guy wasn’t there but she was with all her friends. I have gone no contact since we ended things other than saying hi when I see her in public. I want her back but at the same time I don’t because I don’t think it would last if we got back together. But what you explained about her insecurities and having to be with guys for validation is spot on. It’s my birthday next month and I think she’ll reach out. We broke up in early March and she started dating at the end of the month. I did everything wrong for the first week of the breakup: crying, begging, pleading. When she sees me in public I can tell she has seen a difference, I heard most rebounds last 4-5months which is only a month or two away and right around my birthday. What adobe do you have?
Thank you
Hi Kyle.
Your ex does indeed have insecurity issues which she swept under the rug. This is probably going to contribute to the demise of her current relationship—whether it’s a rebound or not. The fact is that she hasn’t improved or changed one bit. She merely swung from one tree onto another.
I’m sorry. What’s your question?
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex monkey branched and got a new guy after 2 weeks of us breaking up. They’ve been together for two and a half months. She keeps showing him off a ton (super uncharacteristic). I know for a fact she’s trying to make me jealous. We have mutual friends and she doesn’t talk about me to them. But I partied with her best friend and she got super mad at her friend. Even talked to her and told her best friend to stay away from me (while she was dating her new guy). I’m just not sure what to do now because I do think she still has feelings for me but she is too stubborn / angry to do anything.
Hey Peter,
why don’t you join our Discord to give us more detail about your situation? I’m sure we can help you analyzing your situation and give you a game plan.
If you want your Ex back, it is not advisable to team up with mutual friends, since they will always carry on information about you or the things you said to them, even though they might tell you they wont. Especially women tend to do such things.
You said, that your Ex is trying to make you jealous. That might be, but in that case, I can not recommend you to pursue this woman. She wants you to suffer and this is a very vile thing.
You also said your Ex is too stubborn/angry to admit her feelings to you. The thing is: No matter how angry or stubborn a person is, if they want contact with you, they will make it work.
Cheers!
Hi Peter.
Your ex is holding grudges against you. There’s nothing you can do but to let her anger run its course. Needless to say, she doesn’t have the right to prohibit her best friend from partying with you. So if it’s something you want to do, by all means, do so.
Best,
Zan