Updated on July 29, 2025
The definition of a monkey-branching relationship is similar to cheating. It occurs when people consider other romantic options while they’re still in a relationship with their partner. They get close to others and create a safety net or backup plan in case things go wrong with their current partner. Oftentimes, this backup plan is the most dangerous thing that befalls their relationship. A backup plan may sound harmless in theory, but in reality, it’s anything but.
Emotional connections and backup plans outside of the relationship often tempt people to emotionally and/or physically cheat and leave their partner for someone else.
Cheaters don’t feel the need to stay in a long-term relationship because they get their needs met by someone else, practically for free. By someone who seems to understand them and validates them. When they secure a backup plan and feel good talking and bonding with the new person, they often take their partner for granted and wait for an opportunity to cheat. They find that opportunity when their current partner makes them feel unheard, misunderstood, hurt, stressed, or overwhelmed.
That’s when they decide to branch from one romantic relationship straight to the next without reflecting on the relationship and fixing parts that need fixing.
Monkey-branchers are worse than cheaters because they abandon their partner on top of betraying him or her. They have no regrets for allowing themselves to develop a strong bond with someone else when they should be working hard on strengthening their bond with their partner.
I suppose they can’t resist the novelty and validation of someone else, so they act on temptation and break the loyalty pledge. They discard their loyal partner like trash and focus on being happy with someone else. They don’t see anything wrong with hurting their partner or ex-partner because they’re too focused on the excitement and gratitude of finding someone who makes them feel good.
They think about connecting with their new love interest rather than spending energy and time on fixing the relationship with their ex or providing closure and support.
Their ex-partner doesn’t interest them anymore because they have a new favorite person to attend to. They want to continue to connect with that person and not feel responsible for breaking up with their ex. If their ex makes them feel responsible by reaching out, crying, or asking for another chance, they tend to feel pressured and turn their ex down coldly. They see their ex as the biggest obstacle to their happiness and sense of freedom, so they often respond in a way that pushes their ex further away.
Monkey-branching is a serious issue in today’s society. Because it’s so easy to overbond with a coworker or match with someone similar online, many couples break up because of it. They secretly develop a connection with another person, often without even realizing it. When they realize they’re obsessed with the new person and attached to him or her, it’s already too late because they think the new person is a better match for them than their partner.
They see only the positives in the new person and compare them to their partner’s negatives. By doing so, they stop valuing their partner and feel tempted to replace him or her with someone better.
The more I talk to dumpees, the more I realize just how popular monkey-branching is. Many relationships end not because they’re unhealthy or incompatible, but because one person gets distracted, stressed by work or personal issues, or assumes the grass is greener elsewhere. Their poor relationship mentality leads them to ask questions like, “What if there’s someone better out there for me and I’m missing out?”
They entertain their doubts and, by doing so, make their struggling relationship struggle even more. They don’t realize that they fell for someone new because they prioritized him or her over their partner. The new person isn’t so much better that they just can’t resist falling in love. The problem is that they crossed all friendship boundaries and allowed themselves to develop feelings for a person who liked them.
Monkey-branching happens to both men and women. Both genders bond, cheat, and leave when their new connection feels more exciting or promising than their current relationship. First, they get attracted and form a strong connection. Then, they cross all personal and relationship boundaries and realize they’ve gone too far. And finally, they make a conscious decision to leave the old relationship for the new one and start going through the new relationship stages.
The most noticeable stage is the first one – the infatuation stage, where dumpers appear excited, happy, passionate, unrecognizable, and fully invested. They appear to have changed for the new person, when in reality, all that’s changed is their outward persona. Deep inside, they’re still the same impulse-driven cheaters who prioritized temptation over long-term security and commitment.
It’s no secret that monkey-branchers lack morals and self-control. They have a lot of work to do, so they slap their partners twice – once by cheating and once by leaving. They put their happiness way before their ex’s feelings, and months of suffering he or she will have to endure as a result of their betrayal. Despite knowing that cheating is bad, they do what feels right rather than what seems right.
Mind over matter doesn’t apply to them because, for them, it’s the other way around. They let their emotions lead the way, and by doing so, ignore logic and consequences. This means impulse and desire override careful thinking, making it harder for them to consider the impact of their actions on themselves and others.
Cheaters aren’t the most thoughtful and prudent people. Whether they cheat once or multiple times, they listen to their instincts when they need to make a rational decision. The more they do this, the more reactive they become.
So if you want to know what a monkey-branching relationship is, it’s a relationship that ends because of a loss of focus, gratitude, respect, and love. Monkey-branchers leave not because a new relationship will be better, but because it feels better in the moment. They have no idea what it will be like once they get to know their new partner and see his or her negative traits. All they know is that he or she makes them happy and that they must act on their feelings.
They lack the will to distance themselves from the person they fell for, so they decide to go all-in and see how things go. They refuse to do anything about the person threatening their relationship twice. Once at the start, when they start getting close, and once at the end, when they contemplate leaving their partner.
Both times, they do nothing to address their temptations—and continue to make emotional decisions.
In this article, we’ll continue to discuss what a monkey-branching relationship is and help you understand why people branch.
Monkey-branching is GIGS
Before deciding to monkey-branch, monkey-branchers ensure that they feel fully comfortable, connected, and safe with their crush. They make sure they feel drawn to their crush and that the feeling is mutual.
Usually, they achieve this by regularly calling, videocalling, texting, complimenting, flirting, sending pictures, meeting up, buying gifts, and dating. They may not call their bonding dates, but that’s what they are—times when they’re alone and feel wanted. Their limitless communication lays the groundwork for the grass is greener syndrome, where GIGS begins to develop.
Anyone who repeatedly ignores relationship boundaries because of a new crush is bound to soon lose attraction or even respect for his or her partner. It’s inevitable because spending intimate time with a new person deepens the emotional disconnect from his or her current partner.
The more a cheater focuses on someone else and the better he or she feels around that person, the less the relationship matters to him or her. Usually, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship becomes obsolete and holds the cheater back from being happy.
Sometimes cheaters’ new dating prospects are aware that they’re in a committed relationship—and are okay with it, but other times, they have no idea. They assume the person falling in love with them is single and ready for a new romantic connection.
The cheater may indeed be emotionally ready due to the detachment that happened from receiving so much validation, but he or she is still in a relationship. He or she intends to leave it when the temptation to stop hiding the new person outweighs the benefits he or she receives from the current partner.
This tends to happen weeks or longer into the affair when the new partner starts to want more and pressures the cheater.
Always remember that cheating and monkey-branching are a choice. They occur when people put themselves first and, due to strong cravings, decide to pursue their happiness with someone else. Love is blind for a reason. It makes people do selfish, unreasonable, and impulsive things.
The less moral a person is, the more he or she is willing to sacrifice to feel fulfilled by someone he or she doesn’t know much about but feels attracted to.
My ex monkey-branched
If I got a nickel every time someone said, “My ex monkey-branched after the breakup,” I’d be rich by now. Today’s society is flooded with endless ways to connect with people worldwide. Photos, tablets, computers, and even microwaves these days have access to the internet.
The rise of the internet and mobile technology has allowed us to stay in constant contact with anyone, anytime. We’ve become so dependent on staying connected that we can’t even go to the convenience store without our phones. If we accidentally leave our phones at home, we often feel uneasy because we can’t reach others or be reached by them.
The reason why people carry a communication device with them is that they feel this inner desire to stay interconnected at all times. In a way, they feel addicted to giving and receiving attention whenever possible.
And the same principle applies to monkey-branching.
This constant, restless need to feel close to someone seems to have no limits. We rely so much on external things for happiness that we forget to live in the moment. Instead of appreciating what we have, we focus on what we’re missing and chase the next big thrill.
We do this both in relationships and in life.
Your ex probably wasn’t super unhappy with having you as a partner. He or she merely got close to someone new and felt excited again. It had been a while since your ex felt validated, so your ex found it hard to resist. Despite going through the same experience with you when you first started dating, your ex chose to ignore that and allowed the bond to grow.
Because they bonded regularly, they got more and more attracted to each other. Gradually, they got so close that they became obsessed with each other and wanted to take things to the next level. Next level being a committed relationship. It made more sense for your ex to pursue a relationship with a new person who validated him or her than to return to an unfulfilling/damaged relationship and try to fix things with you.
Why do people monkey-branch?
People don’t intentionally develop feelings for someone else and abandon their partner. They monkey-branch because they take their relationship for granted and think that their new crush will continue to make them feel great and solve all their problems for them.
Little do they know that how a relationship looks at the beginning isn’t how it will be months down the road. In all honesty, they don’t even care much about the future. They care about how they feel in the present moment. And because they’re focused on that, they continue getting to know the new person by further committing to him or her.
Slowly, they abandon a perfectly good, healthy, and stable relationship for a chance to be in a more fulfilling relationship.
Some people don’t settle. They’re constantly on the lookout for better things. Better jobs, richer friends, and more loving and empowering partners. They overestimate their capabilities and self-worth, so they think they must find someone who truly deserves them.
Since people look for internal happiness in all the wrong places (externally), they believe that monkey-branching to another person will solve all their problems and give them the satisfaction they deserve.
In reality, it just brings their unresolved problems from their last relationship into the next relationship and causes them pain, stress, and confusion. Mature people resolve their problems with their partner. They don’t sweep their problems under the rug and expect them to go away.
Shortcomings come back when the same patterns repeat, usually not long after the excitement fades and the new relationship requires work.
Although it’s possible that your ex wasn’t entirely happy with you even before he or she met the new person, rest assured that your ex didn’t monkey-branch because you couldn’t make him or her happy. Your ex branched due to a lack of morals, self-awareness, gratitude, and the ability to deal with negative thoughts and feelings.
Your ex quit when the relationship needed work the most.
That means your ex will most likely repeat the same patterns in the future and struggle to maintain romantic relationships.
People don’t learn anything when they jump from one pile of problems onto the next. They may avoid certain personality incompatibilities and mistakes from the past (especially if they regret them), but they won’t get rid of their immaturity and poor values.
Monkey-branching prevents them from reflecting and becoming the best versions of themselves. That’s because it instantly accepts them as they are and empowers them with validation.
Give your ex time, and your ex will see that the new relationship isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Like all relationships, it requires him or her to be respectful, loving, kind, generous, supportive, communicative, emotionally mature, and committed.
A few months in, your ex may start to feel guilty. His or her immoral deeds may catch up to your ex and urge your ex to seek your forgiveness. Anything could happen, including your ex’s new partner finding out about the monkey-branching. That could cause trust issues between them and seriously impact the relationship.
Having said that, here’s why people monkey-branch.
Monkey-branching is a sign of weakness
Relationships require full commitment. The moment people stop giving their best and turn their attention to someone else, the foundation of trust begins to weaken, and the relationship starts to unravel.
Soon after, the relationship loses its importance and becomes replaceable. Dumpers, especially cheaters, often blame incompatibility or the other person for the demise of the relationship. They do this to absolve themselves of any wrongdoing. They want to convince themselves more than anyone that they were unhappy and couldn’t save the relationship, no matter how hard they tried.
By doing so, they try to get others on their side and lessen or avoid feelings of guilt altogether.
Keep in mind that monkey-branching is a sign of unresolved personal issues and an inability to stay in a long-term relationship. It indicates that dumpers are prone to temptations and that they’ll stay that way for a very long time. Probably until someone cheats on them and teaches them a powerful lesson.
Karmic justice may show them that they’re not as attractive as they think and that monkey-branching can happen to them as well.
So if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend monkey-branched from you to someone else, try not to blame yourself and think poorly of yourself. Instead, remember that monkey-branching is the dumper’s fault and that you couldn’t prevent it.
Even if you noticed your ex and the new person bonding behind your back, you wouldn’t be able to stop them from connecting and planning a way out of the relationship. You’d have to catch them early on before they developed a tight bond and decided to leave.
Your ex lacked emotional self-control
Your ex obviously liked connecting with this person without your awareness. Maybe your ex wasn’t okay with leaving you for him or her at first, but your ex nonetheless enjoyed spending time with the person in question and didn’t care that he or she was neglecting the relationship.
The relationship didn’t matter because the new connection mattered significantly more than any commitments he or she made to you. People forget their commitments, nice words, and promises when they feel depressed, unhappy, or tempted to leave for someone else.
When feelings change, they lose their ability to think rationally and follow their instincts. Oftentimes, instincts instruct them to cheat, lie, and deceive, and be with someone they think they’re more compatible with.
If your ex were emotionally strong and self-aware, your ex would have resisted the temptation to get close to the new person. As soon as your ex sensed that things were becoming more than just friendship, your ex would have reaffirmed his or her commitment to you and ended the other connection.
That would have happened if your ex were emotionally strong and valued you.
Since your ex didn’t have the strength to end the crush and pull away in time, your ex continued to get closer until he or she got so close it was too late to do anything about it. Your ex flirted, expressed feelings, or did something to indicate romantic interest and crossed the point of no return.
This left your ex with two options.
- Admit to cheating, feel miserable, and try to fix the broken trust.
- Monkey-branch and make an excuse as to why the relationship wasn’t working.
Your ex probably didn’t consider ending both connections.
Because your ex associated a lot of stress with continuing the relationship, your ex lost the will to fix things and decided to give the other person a fair shot. That way, your ex could focus entirely on the new person and not worry about investing in you, reaching your expectations, and pleasing you.
Monkey-branching happens when a person lines up a new romantic partner before ending his or her current relationship. Rather than facing a breakup alone, he or she emotionally and/or physically connects with someone who offers validation, security, and distraction.
It’s the quickest and safest way for a person to avoid dealing with the consequences of breaking a person’s heart.
This behavior usually stems from low self-esteem or high ego, the fear of being alone, a desire for constant validation, or the belief that there might be someone better out there. It often involves emotional cheating, secrecy, lies, and a lack of commitment to resolving issues within the current relationship.
Do monkey-branching relationships last?
A monkey-branching relationship isn’t necessarily a rebound. It can last months, years, or longer, depending on whether a couple learns to trust each other and improve from their cheating behavior.
Most couples don’t improve, so the relationship isn’t very fulfilling once it progresses and stops being self-maintained. As a result, they either feel tempted to break up when temptations arise or simply break up.
Some couples also settle for the monkey-branching relationship. They know their new relationship isn’t much or any better than the previous one, so they stay with their partner for security, validation, and other relationship benefits.
Whether monkey-branching relationships last isn’t a simple yes or no answer. It depends on how compatible couples are and what their relationship skills are like. If they have no idea how to maintain a serious romantic relationship, the relationship obviously doesn’t last long.
It ends when they get tired of arguing and feeling unheard and disconnected.
It could take a long time before your ex and his or her new partner disconnect emotionally, become bitter, and decide to call it quits. If they don’t learn to work together and evolve as a couple, it’s only a matter of time before stress, temptations, doubts, and other relationship-damaging feelings affect their love and commitment.
If they break up, it won’t be because your ex realized he or she still has feelings for you. It will be because they gave their relationship a chance and failed to establish a strong foundation, built on trust, respect, love, and commitment.
Lots of things can break a romantic relationship. Those who aren’t prepared to fight for what they believe in (especially in a healthy way) break up when relationship-damaging thoughts and feelings overwhelm them.
How to prevent monkey-branching?
There are some things you can’t prevent in this world—and monkey-branching is one of them. You can’t prevent your partner from secretly developing feelings for another person and leaving you for him or her.
The good thing about it is that you don’t need to actively try to prevent monkey-branching. You don’t need to play police and keep a close eye on your partner. Partners need to trust each other and let each other do what they want. If they feel restricted from talking to people and going places without their partner’s consent, they feel controlled and tempted to do those things even more.
Your partner knows what he or she must do and not do to have a successful relationship with you. Loyalty doesn’t need any reminders. It’s common sense that a good relationship requires openness, healthy communication, and bonding. If a committed person bonds with another person and hides it from his or her partner, that’s the opposite of what a relationship needs to succeed.
That’s called cheating—and is likely to bury the relationship.
Always remember it’s not your job to check your partner’s phone and tell your partner who he or she shouldn’t talk to. A person who loves you and cares about your feelings will willingly reveal his or her conversations and avoid putting the relationship at risk. A loyal person won’t bond with others due to the fear of losing the most important person to him or her.
So trust your partner and allow him or her to be free and in control. If your partner misuses that freedom, you probably chose the wrong person to be with. You can either try to work things out or take some time to heal and find someone who appreciates you.
All in all, you can’t prevent someone from monkey-branching if that’s what he or she is inclined to do. But you can focus on being the best partner you can be and create a relationship that’s healthy, supportive, fulfilling, and constantly evolving.
That said, here are a few tips on how to prevent monkey-branching.
Don’t adopt the belief that all women or men are cheaters and live in fear that your partner will one day monkey-branch and hurt you. If you’re afraid of being taken for granted and betrayed, you could create a situation you fear the most.
When you constantly feel stressed, you project that stress onto your partner and make him or her feel overwhelmed. Hence, it’s important not to carry any trust issues into the relationship and make them your partner’s problem as well.
11 early warning signs of monkey-branching
Early signs of monkey-branching often appear during the honeymoon phase of the relationship—when everything feels exciting and new.
You will likely notice your partner acting strangely at times. He or she won’t be home as much, show as much affection, have as much energy to bond, and treat you with the kind of care and respect that you deserve. Due to his or her being able to connect with only one person at a time, the relationship will feel more like friendship than romance. Your partner might even accuse you of the very same things he or she is doing.
With that said, here are 11 early warning signs of monkey-branching:
- Gaslighting: Accusing you of cheating without any proof. This may be a projection of his/her own guilt and a deflection tactic.
- Sudden lifestyle changes: If your partner suddenly picks up new hobbies, changes his or her friends, makes new friends, or shifts interests in ways that don’t match your shared experiences, someone else may be influencing your partner.
- Increased focus on appearance: A noticeable boost in efforts to look good, such as joining a gym or dressing up more frequently, can signal an attempt to attract someone new.
- Dating apps: If your partner is using dating apps while still in a committed relationship, that’s a major red flag. Don’t overlook this one because he or she will most likely monkey-branch.
- Unusual availability: Being active or reachable at odd hours, especially when you’re not around, could mean he or she is secretly communicating with someone else.
- Affection shifts: A sudden spike in affection or detachment can both be signs that your partner’s emotions are pouring into someone else.
- Talking emotionally about someone else: Mentioning another person casually is fine. But repeated, emotional talks may indicate attraction and attachment.
- Avoiding communication: Ignoring your calls and messages while staying engaged with others could signal emotional withdrawal and a loss of feelings.
- Indifference: If your partner stops caring about things that used to matter in the relationship, things like visiting your family or talking about the future, he or she may have emotionally checked out and connected with someone else.
- Secrecy: Hiding his/her phone and being vague about his or her whereabouts could mean he or she is two-timing you.
- Over-the-top compliments: Lavishing you with random praise could be his or her way of calming your suspicions.
A person on his or her way out of the relationship will grow more impatient and uncaring over time. He or she will start making mistakes and prepare him/herself for a new romantic endeavour.
Pay attention to how your partner acts and figure out what’s causing your partner to act that way. If you can’t figure it out but spot the warning signs above, it could be another romantic interest.
What to do if your partner monkey-branched?
If your partner (now ex-partner) monkey-branched to someone else, don’t chase your ex or tell your ex he or she will regret cheating and leaving. Don’t make the breakup more difficult for your ex than it already is.
Getting emotional and saying or doing things to prove a point will only make you look reactive. They’ll make your ex feel angry or uncomfortable and justify your ex’s reasons for leaving.
Remember that your ex has stronger feelings for the new person and that he or she decided to give the new person a try. As long as your ex is convinced that the new person makes him or her happy, you shouldn’t be anywhere near your ex. You shouldn’t even talk to your ex because talking could make your ex see that you’re waiting for his or her return.
If you communicate with your ex, you tell your ex that he or she can friendzone you, string you along, and take as long as necessary to get back with you.
You probably want your ex back very badly despite your ex’s betrayal. If you do, that’s understandable. Your ex has hurt you so deeply that you don’t see any other way to regain your happiness than to reconnect with your ex.
At the moment, you view your ex as both your source of pain and your source of comfort. When you recover emotionally, you’ll likely only see him or her as someone who destroyed the relationship and turned your life upside down.
Give it time, and you’ll see that your ex doesn’t deserve you. You’ll value yourself and understand that you can do much better than a cheating monkey-brancher.
If you want to maximize your chances of success and feel better, you must start the indefinite no contact rule. Go no contact and show your ex that you won’t be friends with someone who betrayed you. Even if your ex was nice to you, you can’t stay close to an ex who dumped you and replaced you with someone else.
This isn’t the time for friendship. It’s time to take monkey-branching seriously and avoid seeking validation from the person who hurt you. Use this time to reflect on the relationship, improve your flaws, fall back in love with yourself, and become emotionally stronger.
If your ex’s monkey-branching relationship fails, your ex could remember that you were a better partner and that he or she needs to get back with you before you move on for good.
It’s important to preserve your value and let your ex get back in touch when he or she is ready to take things further.
Did your ex monkey-branch into a new relationship? Comment below and share your experience.
However, if you’re looking for help with your monkey-branching ex or a relationship that started on monkey-branching terms, feel free to get in touch through our coaching program.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi, thank you for your posts, I’ve learned a lot from them.
My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me to start a relationship with someone else that she met on the internet a few months ago, during Covid-19 lockdown (we had to quarantine separately). We were in a serious and committed relationship, and I trusted her completely. I loved her very much and thought she felt the same about me.
The relationship wasn’t perfect and I especially made a lot of mistakes, definitely became complacent and didn’t give her enough attention, also in the last two years I’d been having problems at work and went from being a very confident person to an anxious and insecure one. We would have arguments quite often as well, but in hindsight I think these were mostly my fault.
I am very hurt, I feel guilty, sad, angry and depressed about the whole thing, as well as very jealous of this new guy, which works in the same institute and field I do, although in a more successful position. I have seen him and only barely stopped myself from punching him in the face. It hurts so much to be so easily replaced by someone else. Since this happened I consistently sleep only 4 hours every night, and wake up in an extremely low and sour mood. I’ve tried dating casually, but I don’t feel attracted to the girls I go out with and keep comparing them to her.
At the start, when she told me she was leaving, I couldn’t believe it and begged her to reconsider.
She had told me she’d been speaking to this guy but that I shouldn’t be worried. In hindsight I can see the signs that she was working up to this in the last weeks we spent together.
I drunken texted her a couple of times during the night in the first couple of weeks following the break up, then I decided to stop contacting her, deleted her from social media and muted all our mutual friends.
The last time I spoke to her she said she’s very happy with her decision, doesn’t miss me and that we never really worked as a couple because I couldn’t reach her emotionally. I am more or less prepared for the fact that I may never hear from her again or see her again at this point, although I feel awful about it. I also dread mutual friends birthdays or parties where I might end up seeing her with him.
It’s now been about a month and a half, I’ve been working out like crazy and focusing on trying to get better at all those things that killed our relationship, but I still feel powerless and lost, which is a feeling I dislike. I miss her terribly and feel that by not being as good as I could have been to her I’m missing out on the best thing that ever happened to me.
I assume there’s nothing I can do to get her back, so is there anything I can do to stop feeling like this?
Thank you,
Dan
Dan,
I am responding to your reply as your situation is similar to mine. I feel your pain man. You are not alone. While undergoing this process of shock and despair I learned about monkey branching (90 days ago) and that it is occurring a lot more than is known. Social media and dating apps give these types of women an endless supply of options (men). The women that engage in this act already planned it. As crazy as this sounds, I call this an act of premeditated emotional murder. The act to extinguish a person who unconditionally loved them is heartless, pre-planned, and deliberate. It just baffles the mind as to the expediency of meeting someone new and leaving a relationship. Why would I want my Ex back in my life? There is a quote regarding these matters that state, “sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.” That quote woke me TFU! To me, it is diabolical to just go on with there lives with the rebound guy like we never existed. For lack of a proper term, these types of women are savages. Furthermore, I see these types as evil, parasitic, and harmful to whoever they come into contact with. Thank God there was no marriage, children, or property with her. Because of the legal system, women fair well and get half of what the man earned. I know personally, I would have lost a lot that I worked for if I had married her. So I am counting my blessings. Unfortunately, there will be a lot more men out there who will fall victim to this behavior and whose lack of emotional control will make them do harmful things.
Moving forward. What I have done to heal myself and recover from this traumatic event is going into what I call, beast mode. No more pity party, no more crying spells, no more sadness, no more obsessing about her and the other guy. No more energy spent on this person, period! This woman is dead to me. I made a note which I have scotch taped on the inside of the vanity bathroom mirror a note with bullet points on what I need to do. I read it daily. I have been no contact since day one. I do not associate with anyone that knows her or in her circle. I am off social media. Not necessary and a big time-waster. My friend this involves conducting a personal inventory, re-investing time, and energy into yourself. I am personally back to an intense fitness regime that I became lax with during the relationship. Restarted my hobbies, and working on ways to further increasing my self-worth on a financial, psychological, and spiritual level. My confidence level has greatly increased. I am fit in appearance and better educated about the games these female players play. No more mister nice guy. My upbringing to be a gentleman with women will take a back seat. And I will not be playing the chase game. The expectations that women today have of men are unrealistic. Multiple social media and dating apps proves this to be true.
In closing, I hope this reply finds you well and in a better position. Just be good to yourself. Be focused and resolute in your purpose. And thank you Zan for a website that brings clarity and understanding to the little known issue of Monkey Branching.
Jim
My ex did this last year. I think part of this was due to long distance. She moved back to Canada for postgrad studies from the UK (where I’m from) and changed almost immediately once there. I was planning to join her as soon as possible and spend a lot of money on a visa.
As she was in a big new city away from her hometown, she had lots of options.
She developed new friendship groups, started extra curricular activities, had lots of things going on with uni and became part of lots of extra clubs. She changed almost as soon as she got there. First red flag.
One thing I recall is she would mention this guy from one of her extracurricular clubs who she assured me she had no interest in. Absolutely denied any interest in him while acknowledging he was “overly nice” to her. Second red flag.
She would always argue with me about things that I had done that I didnt even realise. Silly little things. While this lovely “friend” always had her best interests at heart. Third red flag.
She broke up with me just 2 weeks before my visa was approved. And about 2 or 3 months later (on my birthday) posts a couples pic with this same guy.
There’s a reason why “you vs the guy she tells you not to worry about” memes are so real.
Hi jmdavies.
The “he’s just a friend” is indeed often an excuse to monkey-branch in a new relationship. But nonetheless, if we don’t trust our partner, what’s the point of being in a relationship with him or her? We may as well stay single and never trust anyone again. 🤷♂️
Thanks for the comment!
Zan
Loool this is what I’ve been looking for. It explains everything. I had an argument with my ex on February 16 and she broke up, I decided to leave her alone for a while, reached out 4 days later and she told me she liked someone else. I had to go over to her house the next weekend to know if I can save my relationship. Got there and realized that she’s been talking to this new person since the 4th of February, they are both in the church choir she just joined recently and she feels like she has singing in common with him. He’s a year younger than she is but she’s been stealing kisses with him while she was telling me to come over and try to get the relationship fixed. I tried to talk some sense into her, even called a few friends to help me talk to her but suddenly my partner wouldn’t listen to me again. She just wanted to explore. I even had her up at night begging and cried over her leaving but she had her mind made up. I had to leave the next day and when I got home, she reached out trying to stay friends whic I agreed to because she said something about being confused and unable to make up her mind so I felt talking to her will change things. Few days later I found out she was still seeing this guy after telling me she’ll end things with him while she makes a decision and each time he comes over, they make out. I had to go no contact from Friday March 6 after I called her up and we had a last argument in which she said she was tired of everything. I went into No Contact but she reached out two days later saying she felt bad about how things ended, how she loved me when I left and loves to see me happy. I sent a text back telling her not to make too many mistakes and how I want her to be happy too. Haven’t spoken to her since then and she has not reached out yet. I wake up everyday feeling all down because I miss her so much, been stalking her twitter and she tweets about being happy to see that I’m doing okay from my tweets which I try to make look like I’m okay. I don’t know if she’ll ever come back. Never knew how much this will hurt but I can’t wait to get over it. I keep wishing she’ll reach out everyday even with breadcrumbs or to say she’s finally realized she made a mistake. Is there a chance she’ll come back. She’s always felt insecure in our relationship and always been scared that I’ll cheat because I always talk to and flirt with multiple women but I’ve never had an intention of cheating on my partner
I forgot to mention that she deleted all our photos on her phone during the four days after the breakup. Saw her texts with the new guy where she was talking about being tired of me and not knowing how to breakup and he was saying everything she needed to hear, even complimenting her and using words of affection which is something I’ve always known was her weakness. My ex couldn’t even kiss me anymore when we met up which is something she only does when she’s in love with someone (that’s what she told me. She can’t kiss you unless she’s in love with you) so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that she’s gone and I’m trying to heal
Hi Zan,
This webpage is wonderful helps me understand my situation and i still have questions. I’m still on a healing process for now i still feel pain and depressed.
My ex broke up with me last February. We’re 8 months in a relationship and we we’re on a long distance relationship. We met through my relatives living in his country. So then he started reaching out to me first then slowly knowing each other and moving forward we we’re officially in a serious relationship. Our life together was really amazing , we also had some misunderstandings and we both resolved it as normal relationships does. We enjoyed each other’s company though we’re in an LDR he had constant communication to me everyday and see each other 2-3 times a week that makes us comfortable with each other we both enjoyed our hobbies together and everything. He had me filed a Visa to visit his country but it wasn’t granted by the embassy so he told me he will be coming to me instead this year. We had plans for the future. We never really had big problems until then it was like late for me to find out about a woman he met 12 years ago in my country reached out to him on facebook. I trusted him on social apps since he informs me about people adding him (i didn’t ask him on this)cause he is not used to using facebook. But this one he didn’t say anything to me about the woman not until this January. He suddenly asked me by giving me the name of the woman and asked me if I know her. And said to him that ” i didn’t know her maybe you do cause you were here a long time ago”. Then he said he didn’t know her, but something inside me felt wondering but i didn’t took it to heart since i trust him and i just asked him why what about the woman. He said that the woman just messaged him “congratulations”. He said that he deleted the friend request twice (the woman requested twice already by the time he asked me about it) and ignored the message and i believed him. So after that we didn’t talk about it anymore but i had the chance to ask him again about the woman.Then he said he remembered that the woman was maybe the woman he met in my country a long time ago that they had short communication only because the woman change her number and cut him off completely without any reason given. He said he was disappointed of her doing that but they didn’t have official relationship for he said that it was only a couple of weeks they communicated and then ended..he also said he was wishing her to be his girlfriend but didn’t work out because of what she did and that was 12 years ago. To continue: The next month February, i noticed something weird about him being online for like 1-2 hours without chatting me it was the first time and it felt weird because i already know him since we communicated everyday. At first i just didn’t bother i wasn’t thinking anything bad until i sensed something different and thought about the woman again. So i chatted him how’s he doing never chatted me and asked him if the woman chatting him again. He told me the truth and ask sorry. I was shocked because before that he told me that he would never give this woman a chance and will not talk to her. But this time he did. I keep chatting but he ignored me he only replied he needs time to think. I keep calling but he won’t answer until i stopped i realized how dumb it is to that. After like 20 minutes he called and he saw me crying his face was like a sad kid and said sorry for what he did. He said that the woman messaged again 5 times he also he just wanted to sort out things with the woman and that the woman only apologized and explained why she cut him off. I was blank and ask for what but he didn’t say what reasons the woman said and that she only wants to be friends with him and i ask if how are they doing and if he is still interested or likes the woman he said No. I remembered he didn’t like the idea of being friends with her so he asked me how to block the woman. But he managed to do it on his own cause i was about to leave work and continue talking to him when i arrived home. That day he apologized many times to me and asked forgiveness many times he felt sorry seeing me cry he said that he will never do it again. He said that he doesn’t want to loose our relationship and me and that he really values what we have about us. So i forgave him (even tho it still hurts me inside). The next 3 days he continued showing his sincerity sending me flowers and keep on telling me that he loves me so much. I never talked about what happened anymore to show him i forgave him i felt he was worried that i was sad and about what happened. But i assured him of my forgiveness he was happy and thankful. On the fourth day i noticed again something weird after sending me some flowers he was like chatting off and on telling me about calling a builder in his work. I didn’t want to ask him or maybe im too suspicious since i trusted him again. So by the evening we started our schedule of talking on a video call we were so happy and he is very happy we talked for 4 hours. During those times he keeps telling me his love for me that he’s glad he found me it was like nothing happened and i was very happy too i felt that we moved on from that problem. We ended our call so very nicely that i slept very happy that night. The next morning was very depressing when i woke up he just left me a message saying sorry that I can’t be his boyfriend anymore cause he can’t stop thinking of the woman and that he didn’t planned it that it just happened and that he could not truly love me when he is always thinking of someone else. He unfriended me on Facebook, erased all our photos. It really hurts i was like my heart was stabbed with a knife. He was like killing me. What I could not understand is that how come you were both happy and the next day he left? Is he doing monkey-branching? Why would he lie and everything? He could have just break up formally. He just dumped me on a text message and never listened to me. I just responded if we can talk formally face to face. I tried calling but he won’t answer. I just texted him that he is a liar and that what he did to me is like killing me. He just seenzoned me. That was the end and i never tried begging him and i did no contact until now. Does he really feel something true for the the woman? Why that fast? Does he really forget everything about we have about our plans and me?
That i couldn’t understand yet why he did this to me.
(His mom cried about what happened to us)
Sorry for the long story it was still really fresh for me. I feel so down right now and please if you could enlighten me with the matter it would be very grateful for me. Thank you so much!
Hi Zan,
I greatly appreciate your help. Your words are so profound and truthful. Your work gave me strength and solace during the dark hours in the past three months. Now, she came back to me, left her newfound relationship, lived into my place, and ask to reconciliation. However, I feel empty and uncertain, and I don’t quite know if I could continue with her.
This is the story. She’s thirty, and I’m thirty. We were classmates since middle school, and we went to the same high school together. However, we were just ordinary friends before one, and half years ago, she randomly contacted me, and we started to talk online. Back then, she was out of a messy relationship (with a married man) for half a year, and I just broke up with a girl for three months. We quickly developed feelings and after three months of online talks, I moved to her city to her place.
We were quite happy in the relationship. She didn’t have many friends in that city. After work, we made dinner together, spend all the spare time together. From time to time the relationship became a little dull. However, I think it’s still good. We seldom fight, and we took care of each other. We never doubt each other because we know each other for more than 15 years. Besides, it looked like we only have each other in the city. Maybe that’s why problems didn’t surface.
One year later, we moved back to the city we grow up in. She lived in my house and found a new job. For me, I quit my job sometimes ago and was thinking of getting back to graduate school. I was writing a thesis and facing some serious difficulties. That was when the problems began. I ignored her (and everything in life) because I was worried about my thesis and application process. And I admit I became quite dispirited at that time, physically and emotionally. I helped her to find and move to a new department near her working place and went back to my house to focus on my difficulties.
On the contrary, her new job was exciting, new people, new opportunities. Her boss, who was 17 years older than her, started to chase her. She may resist for a while, and began to question him, how could we handle our relationship if you’re my boss at work?
Don’t worry, and I will handle it, her boss said.
She then said, I have a boyfriend, please give me time to solve it.
I can wait, her boss replied.
We had a big fight on the same day. I know nothing about her boss was chasing her. And for me, the argument is for trivial reasons and incomprehensible. She was super angry for my words and left my house at eleven pm. Two days ago, I felt she became distant, and something went wrong. I went to her place to talk to her.
‘The lad just left his house, smiled.’ She messaged her boss before I arrived.
The conversation was quite strange, she told me because I don’t have a job for a while and was dispirited, I lost some attraction to her. My ego was hurt, and I told her my current priority is solving my life-problems, and I was not suitable for a relationship. She suddenly agreed to break up with me and cried, though she didn’t want to disagree with the idea which was not brought by me. I sit under her department for a while, and she called me saying she misses me. I went to her room and sleep with her. The next morning, I send her a letter saying I’m sorry, proposed to make changes in several aspects. She kissed me and didn’t give me clear answers. I went back to my place.
I felt very strange that day that she seemed detached from me and was ready to leave the relationship. I didn’t know at the meanwhile she was drinking with her boss and flirting, and her boss touched her hand. I felt that my letter was not responded in any clear way and I wanted an answer, so I told her not to contact me since we’ve broken up. She went silent for two days, came to my place, picking her stuff.
I was shocked when I saw she became totally cold, distant, and determined. I just want to hear her saying that she wants to continue the relationship, and I was not thinking of any possibility that it became real. I cried for a second, and she was unmoved. I stopped pleading, politely said goodbye to her, helped her carry her things to the taxi. I collapsed as soon as the cab left my sight.
Her boss was waiting for her at the station. She cried; they slept together that night.
For me, the breakup was a great shock. I know I did a lot of wrong things and lost attraction to her, but I don’t expect a one-year relationship to end up this abruptly. Thank god I didn’t know anything about her boss. I went no contact, moved to a new place, focusing on my thesis, and used all my resources to make me feel better. One month later I send her about $3.5k to compensate her for the gifts (she brought me a lot of clothes) and the traveling fees during the time I don’t have income. She asked what that was, and I said compensation, she didn’t reply. The breakup caused me great pain, though.
Three months passed, I finished my thesis and solved most of my personal problems. I felt refreshed and ready to move on. I still thought about her from time to time, but I have accepted reality. That’s when I got her call. Like you said, ‘ex always cried back when they have an emotional breakdown.’ She moved to her boss’ place one month after breaking up with me, and their relationship became horrible. Her boss was an emotional manipulator and abuser, treat her badly. She started to miss me deeper and deeper and finally made the call. She started crying from the time of hearing my voice. I told her I’m doing pretty well and accept her choice. I felt like drowning in an icy lake when I realize she had a new relationship and was living together, but I didn’t show a sign. I kept the conversation positive and wished her well. She said she was very sorry and regretted the way she left me, and that ‘it’s when people lose something that they realize its preciousness.’ she said her life was really bad and that’s the karma, etc. Bullshit.
Hanging the phone after one and a half hours, I was pleased, even elated. My ego was fulfilled. But the uneasy came after the next day I open my eyes. I cannot bear the idea that she was tortured by another man. I used to love her so much, how can she don’t love herself like this? I can accept the breakup, but I cannot take this. Three days later, I decided I would not think about her mess or contact her for the rest of my life, and I delete her number from my phone. Five minutes later, I picked up the phone and called her out. She was elated and agreed without thinking. We met up again.
I didn’t agree with her reconciliation request directly, but I made two proposals. First, break up with her boss and move out as soon as possible. Second, seriously consider the possibility of continuing work in the place under her boss. She agreed. And did the formal as soon as her boss came back from another city. Because of the coronavirus lockdown, she cannot rent another house at the moment, and I agree with her to move into my place temporarily.
I didn’t directly ask her to resign because I don’t have the right to do that. However, that’s something that must be done because I cannot let her continue working under the boss. Thanks to the coronavirus again, the subbranch she worked in decided to close permanently, and she got her walking paper the day she broke up with her boss.
She is living in my place for more than half a month. She has debt issues, and I told her I could help her before she got a new job. I told her not to hurry, and it’s better to settle down and do some soul searching and solve her old life-problems. That’s when we can start freshly.
Now we lived as lovers, but I always feel something is not right. I achieved my goal. I got her back from another man, and she lost her job. But I found myself cannot trust her again. I told her we should be extremely frank with each other, and it’s the only way to overcome my trust issues. And I asked her if they are getting together before she broke up with me. She said no, that breaking up with me has nothing to do with her new relationship, that she didn’t accepted his chasing some days after finished with me. One night I sneak out and checked her messages log and found out all the timeline above. She didn’t tell me the truth, maybe because she doesn’t want to hurt me, or perhaps she wants to fool me again.
Technically, that is monkey-branching, right? Emotional cheating? They had been flirting and planning their relationship before she broke up with me. She had told me a long time ago that she won’t break up with a man unless she has made the backup plan. It is real. That is her behavior pattern. She thought her boss can bring her better things than me, so she left me without hesitate. She found out that was her delusion and left her boss the same way as she left me. She made a lot of promises to me and told me she loves me every day recently. I have no doubt that she needs me, wants to be with me, even wants to marry me. However, I have no doubt she will do the cheating once again in the future. Her childhood left her a lot of insecurities and fears, she lacks emotional independency, and her history revealed she has little moral standard concerning love. She didn’t conceal her past of being with multiple married men, cheatings, etc. That’s her pattern.
Deeply inside, I want to retaliate. I want her to feel the pain I endured when she was with her new partner. And I want the pain was caused by my own hand, not others. Sometimes I feel sad about this because I don’t want to hurt her, but it’s the only way to satisfy myself. I can accept the breakup, but I cannot accept betrayal.
I treat her nicely these days, very nice and sweet. Because tragedy is to lose something good, not something bad. She will love me again, and lost me, as abrupt as last time. That’s my retaliation plan.
It’s very unhealthy and meaningless, I know. But I feel that I cannot restart my life before finishing all this. I cannot simply walk away, and I cannot be with her like nothing happened. The only way to move on seems to be dumping her at the right moment. I will help her during her hardship, and I will despair when time is ready.
Sorry for writing so long. I know most people don’t read long stories beyond one screen these days. And I’m sorry for my English language. Thanks so much for reading, and any suggestions are welcomed.
Also, thanks again, Zan, for your work.
Best regard,
David
Hi Zan,first of all thanks for this great article & spot on as it has happened to me now. My long distance relationship ex-girlfriend from Thailand monkey branched me since last November 2019 when all her red flags started to surface which are gaslighting, hide me from her WeChat Moments & ignoring my texts & calls.I didn’t even know she cheated on me until i confronted her & force her to confess.& just like you said i lose my cool & she used it against me & blocked me immediately from her social media & phone. She said she hates me, being rude to her,not a gentleman, doesnt love me, don’t want to see me again, accused me of cheating on her & finally broke up with me. I’m doing auto No contact now as she has blocked me totally. So my big question is, is there a chance that she will reach out to me? Honestly i really still love her & i’m willing to forgive her & start everything new with her. We dated each other for about 6 months before she started to change. Thank you for reading my problems.
No. It’s been a year now since you left that. Hopefully, if you get flagged on this you can come back and see the progress you’ve made.
I recently separated (we never actually said the work “breakup”) with a coworker. When we started flirting she was with someone (I learned that the day she told me of her breakup) early on our relationship I learned that she was going out with other guys (sex involved) and I told her I had lost all confidence on her. After a talk we got back together. Down the line she told me she had feelings for somebody else while with her ex ex boyfriend (lets say boyfriend 1, boyfriend 2-the previous to me) but nothing happened because the other guy was on a relationship and didn’t want to cheat on her partner.
I have to say through the relationship I noticed weird sings, her turning off her cell phone’s screen if I was around, she didn’t answer her phone if it was a registered number and I was around (the only 2 times she picked up was unknown numbers, one of them a guy asking if she was available to hang out) needles to say I became jealous (which I never was before) on early September I checked her whatsapp (I knew I might get caught but after all the tings that made me suspicious I had to know)
I found conversations of her and one of her classmates (a guy) near Christmas, at around 1:30am saying how much fun she had with him and that if it wasn’t for work she would have gone to the other bar with him (she told me she was going out with her classmates) I’m not saying they went out by themselves, I tried calling her twice that night and she didn’t pick up.
Later I found another conversation of them, and he was asking for photos to remember how beautiful she was. My ex politely replied no, but asked him to go out with her and another friend hiking for the day. She didn’t invited me.
When I talked to her about it a few weeks later she said something like “what’s wrong with talking to people who find me attractive”!!
Anyway by the first week of December we spitted. She asked me if I always was jealous like that and she wondered if she was doing right in thinking I was much better than that.
By that point I wanted to tell her the truth, and tell her I was never like that, but because no one before had given me reasons to be jealous. But I knew she wouldn’t take that well, considering she never acknowledged her mistakes and rarely said “I’m sorry” so I just said “I won’t say anything against whatever you want to think of me, you’re always on the right so there’s no way I could explain and you would understand”
To what she replied that she was not surprised I didn’t want to talk more serious issues. I just replied that I thought we could not have a civil conversation, but I would love to do that (all this by text)
Move forward, when we got the chance to talk, it was her dumping all her feelings on me. I didn’t have the chance to talk much really, since she started crying.
Something that she said was that all her relationships had been with a jealous partner, and “being beautiful had caused her too many problems in life” I felt like saying “I think it doesn’t have anything with your looks, but with the way you behave, if I can relate to our relationship”
I asked for a opportunity to talk to what she replied I could send and email (I never sent anything) and that hurt, because I felt I could’ve explained some things.
Anyway, after about 2 weeks of or moving apart, I saw her right outside our work, kissing another guy, I stood by her side and she didn’t even care, matter of fact they walked by me holding hands.
The guy, I think’s an old boyfriend (of several years ago, with whom she kept contact)
Now I’m so happy she got out of my life, as I’ve learned I’m in the acceptance face, and seeing my ex for the true self.
A couple of days ago I came up with this:
“The way people act and treat you at the end of a relationship and not at the beginning, reveals that person’s true self”
Would I want to get back with her? Hell no.
Zan, thank you so much for all the information you give us, I’ve read a lot on your blog and I must say I’ve found very accurate the points described here.
I forgot to mention, we’re in the no contact rule, yesterday I said hello, she replied, same today, but she didn’t say goodbye when she left (she walked past me) so I’m thinking stooping saying anything to her. She soft blocked me (I did unfollow her on instagram but she blocked me on facebook, which we don’t use almost at all) but she hasn’t blocked me on whatsapp (the app she uses most)
At first, when she acted mean towards me I stopped even looking at her, but I could tell she was trying eye contact.
After I saw her with this other guy (I don’t think they’re together, but most likely the did have something) she avoided eye contact. Me too.
Should I stop saying hello, after she doesn’t care to even be polite to me?
Thank you!
Wow at this entire site.
I was actually a branch for my ex. She was dating this guy earlier last year and near the end of their relationship, she started to get lunch with me to reconnect (we haven’t seen each other in a year and we had great chemistry). She started to spill the beans that their relationship was going terrible during that lunch break and we talked about it a lot. I really like her so here I am, a fool, thinking that this is my chance to have the girl of my dreams.
Fast forward a couple days, she starts wanting to hang out and ends up at my place multiple times after work- but we don’t do anything sexual because she’s still in a relationship.
Boom. She ends it with her boyfriend.
Now she told me that it feels like I’m becoming her next boyfriend too quickly and that she needs time to have a 4 day “break” from talking? I’m cool with that, she just got out of something. Over that 4 day break, she hangs out with my guy friend and they watch the sunset, goes to his house, makes dinner with him, and then stays there till 2am making art with him? Apparently they did nothing sexual together from what she tells me “he’s just a friend” . Maybe she lied to me? I’ll ask him later.
I come back and asked her if she did anything over the 4 day period and she says she did nothing? And then every day that followed, she would tell me that she just watched sunset with him…..then the next day she would tell me that she went to his house…. then the next day she told me they made dinner together…you get the idea.
Boom. Here I am like, Ok no way in HELL am I going to go through this competition with my friend to date her. So I tell her that whole situation sketched me out + the only time i’ll be back in the city is next year so I’m not down to date her, but I’m open to be friends with benefits until I head back to school if she is down–I was doing a summer internship in her city at the time. She is cool with it.
We end up having a beautiful time those 7 weeks I was in town, literally everything felt perfect. But in the back of my head I knew that I had to leave her at the end.
The last week, she asks me if we’re going to make it official while we’re heading to get lunch. I tell her, I can’t bring myself to do it because of the stuff that happened over the break + long distance–I said I want to trust her but I can’t.
Boom. She starts sobbing in public and makes me feel guilty for my choice? I was trying to comfort her but she kept pushing me away? I didn’t know how to act, so I just sat there for the 25~30mins she was crying.
I give it a day or 2 and I’m like fuck it, let’s try it and see what happens?
Boom. We’re dating and the week I leave she says she’s going to go to Europe before she starts working full time and invites me to visit for a week. Tickets were like 200 round trip so I’m like let’s do it, we’re in love and we’re young. So the trip is scheduled like 3 months out, I travel internationally frequently so it’s not a big deal.
Minor detail, she invited the “just a friend’ and my other guy friend to some dancing class with her? This really put me on the edge because I wasn’t sure if he was going to be the next monkey branch. But I didn’t want to be that boyfriend, so I say nothing. They ended up not replying to her for whatever reason.
Boom. 2 weeks after I leave the city, she cheats on me. Says it was a drunk mistake. Now I’m locked into this trip (I actually wanted to go regardless). I break things off with her, was planning on doing no contact until we got there, enjoying myself abroad, and then completely cutting her off when I left.
long story short, she made the abroad trip horrible even though I acted as if nothing happened & still is trying to contact me. It’s been 1 1/2 months since i’ve replied.
I’m not looking for advice, just wanted to share my story with everyone. Sometimes you know the right answer but your emotions cloud your judgement.
Zan,
Very well thought out and written article that I can appreciate having been the dumpee after a 3.5 year relationship with a lovely 62 year old woman who appears codependent and a people-pleaser. That right there reveals the underpinnings of how we got to the monkey branching. I am a long time recovering Nice Guy, observer of human behavior and caring individual. I had learned to truly make decisions to trust and accept my partner as she was, and that helped make for a great 3.5 years. Of course, some describe the relationship with the people-pleaser as like winning the relationship jackpot, and I have to agree.
Today, three months after the breakup, she has returned to my social scene, the one she originally entered as my partner, now with her replacement, who is also an outsider. I power through the discomfort trying to be the best man I can be. I know and experience abundance. Yet it is still heartbreaking because we had so much fun together, we grew so much together, and now I witness her significant downgrade.
Isn’t life something.
Regards.
Hi Zan,
Great article. My ex left me after 3 years for another guy. She said she did no sleep with him before the breakup but moved to his place in two weeks and even to the city where I live. We were not living together. I went with no contact, and she contacted me after two months and invited me to his (her) flat. She said she just had wanted to see me. She also said she made a mistake but won’t leave the new guy. He seems to be better than me in terms of money and masculinity. But is not educated at all. I told her if she changes her mind and wants to work on our relationship to give me a call, otherwise not to contact me. I feel she was too impulsive with her decision. What are the odds this is a rebound and will fail, and she might come back? She is 21, and the new guy is 28. I’m 25 and finishing uni.
Thanks a lot for any answer, kind regards
Martin
Hi Martin.
It’s hard for me to say whether their relationship will fail because I don’t know how their relationship functions.
I suppose you’ll see after the honeymoon phase has ended and reality seeped in.
Until then, stay strong and work on yourself!
You’re the only person who matters right now.
Best regards,
Zan
I have to say that everything you have said is 100% on the button bang on I am in my 50s and have had a lot of experience believe me,
This young generation need to understand about raw primal masculinity and feminity, the damages of social conditioning etc to educate one’s self in this will save their young lives you know what I am talking about and how deep this goes
Please people go back to Mother Earth, Nature and the Animal kingdom learn how to live the way it was meant to be not in greed etc
We are not destroying the Planet Earth we can only destroy ourselves .
Everything we are being told is to Brain Wash us it’s about money, power greed etc
Open all Three of your Eyes and see what I and people like me see
You all are like the poor Pit Ponies in the mines with blinkers on “up and down the same ** road every day with the same mental/physically or emotionally load on your back every day sustaining this bullshit economy
Hi Jim.
Thanks for the comment. It makes sense.
Best,
Zan
Hi, I am not sure if you can provide any advice, but it would have been very helpful and like life saver. I think my ex-boyfriend monkey branched with a girl months before moving on to chicago.
We started relationship when I was 16 years old and he 19 years old. (Now I’m 28 years old and he 30) It was love of my life we where together for more then 10 years until the final break this July.
We was so in love with each other everybody was like how you guys are keeping things like this?
Talked with him about everything and he with me until one point that will tell you below.
We was like bffs and lovers mix. Never had a secret from him.
He said to me I need a bit space I was like okay get the space it’s okay. Told him time to time that I’m feeling a second best thing to you but nothing changed during a year. But I was like okay we will go from Europe to the US so I will let him spend time with everybody else but me.
Several months before finding everything out he was cold with me while we was in relationship but he always was saying I will return 100% back I don’t know what I have bla bla bla. I trusted him and never could image all this.
He was bit sad for his 30s birthday (mid crisis I guess).
We talked about all the details together. Never had a fights or a breakup during all those years.
He was more calm that me, I was sometimes more talking person.
He won a Green Card lottery on 2017 and we got married but we lived in our own homes. Because thought that will starts to live together when we move to the USA.
Then GC office never called about interview and was really hard 2 years for us.
Then we took a visa tourist on and went to chicago on 10 April.
When we was in chicago he was even colder and I found a deleted screenshot with a girl. And couldn’t stay calm I was mad and asked how is she? He said no one, you are jealous as always. Then next day I wanted to talk about ‘how is she?’ He was like a girl that I have been talking time to time last 2-3 months. And he said stuff like the attraction and passion it’s dim so I need a break 4 months break. And I asked him what did you do to not dim those things? Because I have give you the time that you asked for.
I was extremely sad, needy and all other worst things, everything that was wrong aI did it during 2 last days in chicago.
During those days with every panic mind of me he was saying time to time you are proving me that you don’t deserve me (it’s exactly all the things that you wrote in article monkey branching)
On our way back I said to him in the airport ‘the break time’ that you wants does that means that we can talk, write messages, meet, other persons like that girl? He was like no I just want to calm my mind and I was okay take the time.
When we returned to Kosovo (after 3 worst weeks in chicago) I did finding friends app with his phone and he didn’t knew about it and I he was spending a lot of time on the apartment and not in his home. And I was like what if he is in depression or something how can I help him? (Errors that I didn’t knew that I’m doing because this was my first breakup ever and I’m 28 old haha)
I went to apartment and saw with my eyes that he was getting out from apartment with that girl and he didn’t knew it after some days he has found out.
And her mum found out that he cheated me, he knew that I saw through the app and he was extremely mad and wrote me in viber app saying me yes I cheated you and and and? I was surprised calm I don’t know even how. And said minimum bad words to him. And he said our relationship even if I would want to return to you I will not with your behavior. With all those things that YOU DID. And he didn’t do nothing at ‘all’ a branching, cheating and everything. So in the end all of that was my fault.
Maybe was acting desperate maybe would have been better just to let him go and not show that drama me but I was extremely extremely sad and in bad situation and didn’t know nothing how to act in those situations.
So we got to a office to get divorced (separately) then he wrote me a message: like let’s get a drink if you are near by. I went I was calm (because took a pill to be calm) was talking and laughing in normal way, wasn’t needy at all and tried to talk normally. I know that he was surprised.
The next day he wrote me for a paper that he needed and I said to him please don’t written me for stupid things we are not together this is what you actually wanted right? And told him if you aren’t really sorry and if you will ever see what you did please don’t write me again (I want 0 contact from you) and if you try to write me I will block you in every social media and he was like okay we will meet and talk we don’t need to write in msg (and he said it several times) and I don’t know if I was too rude on this way but it was too much getting stupid messages of him like (can you give me this, can you give me that) so I put boundaries and since that day msg that was on 24 July we are at no contact rules didn’t heard from him I think that he still is with that girl.
I still cannot get over it has pass almost 4 months of NC.
Those was the hardest months of my life.
He is such a stubborn person and during our relationship he said that when things are broken we will never got back together, never forget that.
But also he said that cheating it’s so cheap and I would never do it and he did it.
And I’m thinking what if he is so ashamed what he did and that my family knows it may push him away to not contact me ever?
Should I ever write him first? What you suggest as expert?
I’m still so lost and would want to have a chance and see if we can fix anything and create new relationship.
I truly loved him and still do even that I’m extremely hurt.
But now I started to try to improve myself to be better me.
I don’t know if I was clear enough about the situation because my mind gets so so messy and it’s like this since May when we was in chicago.
Do I have any chance with him?
Will he see what he actually did?
Will we have any chance?
Will he want me back?
With this brief do you think that I made a lot mistakes for him to never come back? Or he did huge mistakes to not let himself return back?
Do you think that monkey branching will last?
Please give me one path because my mind will explode doing those questions everyday…
I appreciate a lot a lot your help especially from a guy mind because I don’t know what to think anymore
Thank you million times for this website and your help on this.
And omg your articles are so so amazing I have save almost all on notes so when ai have a shitty day (that is every day) will read them over and over again. So thank you for making this
Sincerely,
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I got the blame for his monkey branching ways. So disrespectful and so hurtful. Don’t contact him. Work on yourself and creating a better more happier confident you. Find joy and love with your life without him. Take back your self esteem and self worth. You deserve better. Regardless of the issues in your relationship, monkey branching is cheating and it’s not ok. Give yourself time to heal and process everything that has happened if you guys are meant to be then you need to love yourself and show him by being happy on your own and that you are far from ok with his behavior. By being happy with your life will make you more attractive and he will see that but he is the one to chase you as he did you wrong and he’s the one who needs to prove that. You deserve better whether it be from him or someone else. Know your worth. Xx
PS I know how hard no contact is, I going through the exact same thing as you. It’s easier for me to say this to you than acknowledge it to myself!
Hi Linda,
I am from Kosovo as well. I have a similar story as well. How about we get in touch with each other and share our stories?
Hi Zan,
I read almost all your post since i discovered your site.
All are great and so detailed that help me in the process of recovery.
Sometimes i read some posts once in 2-3 days just to remember and memorise them
Unfortunetly i broke up with my fiancee (i was about to propose her this year) on 23rd september.
She ghosted me and 1.5 months before the “breakup” happened and she monkey branched from a guy from diferent city she meet at work.
Long story short: on 23rd september she left me without saying anything, she left ALL her stuff at my house, she didn’t quit her job, she just never showed up at work at 2nd shift and mess things realy bad at the company where we were working toghether and i get a big scandal at work since I guarantee with my head that she is a good person for that job and the management hired her based on my word.
It was so hard to get her hired in the company where i work for 3 years already and she was so happy that after 1 year of trying to get a decent job ,she got hired in a company where she didn’t even dream to get in cause the lack of studies.
Back on the topic, on 23rd september she just ran away with this guy to a diferent city without saying anything to me. She was on 2nd shift and i was on 1st shift (diferent departments) and she run away from home. She left her phone,her eveything!!! i mean everything. she left with just with her purse and the cloths she was dressed with and @200 EUR.
It’s true that she threatened me to break up 1 month after she get hired (1st june 2019) and i told her that i feel like she used me in all these 7 years and it’s not fair and if she realy want to break up with me she shoud think twice to what we have build so far and if she want to go, she shoud go with nothing because i am not her fool it’s not fair-play. we were both angry and i didn’t think.
We were together and we leave together for 7 years, we helped each other in everything. She helped me finish college, i helped her finish her high school. I was 21 and she was 17 when we meet. She had a hard life in her family and she quit school in that moment.
We have many memories and we did a lot of things together.
We had a very strong connection.For example: when one of us was sad for no reason, the other felt that even if we were far away from each.
She ghosted me before in the past, but then she contacted me or she told me that she will stay with her parent for a few days to calm down. Last year she tryed again to monkey branch from a guy.
But she stayed at her mom house and he was far away. It was a short long-distance relationship with that guy for 2 months.After that we get back together.
But now it’s different. She already moved with another guy she meet 1.5 months before she run away. In this 1.5 months we went in an expensive hollyday we wanted so much.
After she “brokeup” i looked in her phone that she also left at home and saw that she was texting everyday with that guy. IN OUR HOLLYDAY god damn where we were talking about weading and kids and future plans and had a really good time !!!! I think she texted that guy when i was at shower or when i was at bathroom cause those were the only moments when we were not fizicaly near each other.
What shoud i do now?
I have a strong feeling that things won’t work between her and that idiot. He is a trucker and i bet he is most of the time away from home. I saw some of his pics on facebook and his mom doesn’t look like a nice person at all.
All the time i trusted my feeling because even in the day she left and in the days she left in the past i felt that something bad will happen.And i have many more examples like this.
I have lost 8kg. Start to drink, smoke a lot, don’t eat for days, hard to focus at work, hard to sleep and wake up.
Instead I started going to the psychologist.
I start to use law of attraction. to calm myself, to put myself back on my feet.
But due the fact that i literaly saved her from home where she was living in a toxic enviroment, i “raised” her and teach her many things and she was thankful for that, due the fact that we lived together for 7 years, had our own jokes, habits, we were alike in everything except that we had communication problems, due to this facts i know in my heart and also in my breain that she can’t be with someone else.
She is just trying to do this but she can’t.
And now I am in constant wait.
What shoud i do in this case?
I can’t move on. I can’t go in any direction.
I am waiting her to get back because one day she will get back. Her dad is thinking the same.I dont speak to her mom cause for no reason she hate me.Her mom did the same with her dad and it seems that she teach her childrens to do the same.My friends tell me that she will come back, sometimes even my psychologist looks like she know that my gf will get back at me one day.
I know this in my heart.
I am asking for your oppinion because everything you are writing it’s fascinating and clever and you look like a guy who know everything.
All the tips i read on your site are good for me and for my mental health and i need your personal advice on my problem
What to do?! What to do?!
I avoid to get her phone number, i didn’t contacted her new facebook even is she blocked me.
I created a fake account just to spy on her but i dont do that anymore since i read some of your posts.
I can write to her from that account but i dont want to. I just want her to see that there is no better person for her except me. I want to see herself and i want her to contact me.She is stubborn but i hope she will contact me.
Her father will try to call her these days because she didn’t speak with anyone from her family and the police will give him her number.
Forgot to say that i was so affraid that something bad will happen to her that i went to the police to report her missing.They found her but she refused to give me via police any information about where she is and so on. Her father will contact her.The problem is, that she hates her father due to hard childhood she had cause of him (in reality cause of her mom but that’s a diferent story).
He helped us get back together in the past many many times.
I wonder if he will do the same now.
We talked and i adviced him not to contact her at all since she is all alone in her new “family” and in a rebound.
The more he will tell her that she is doing the wrong thing, the more she will convince herself she is doing the right thing. Like i said: she must see herself that she is making a big mistake.
And because she refuse to comunicate sometimes i bet she will have major problems in her rebound.
So…it will end fast.
But her father get us together before…What to do?! What to do?!
Long story, many problems,many questions..I pray to God she will get back to me asap 🙁
I realy need your advice on this and i realy realy apreciate if you got time to read this and repply to it.
By the way: you shoud write more about ghosting and monkey-branching.
If my english it’s not quite perfect please apologise but i am not a native English speaker.
Best regards and much apreciation for your work,
Mihail
Hi Mihail,
I am in similar situation, just with some extra time after the breakup. I was with my ex wife for close to 10 years we got married in late 2016. After New Year 2019 and our holiday, she told me the marriage is not what she had imagined and she wants to move out. She was acting wierd for last 2-3 months and I suspected cheating..
It turned out she was after her boss at work and once she left me, it took her about 2 months to already move in with this guy. They ust have been having an affair for quite some time..I told her I would never be able to trust her obviously again and let´s proceed with divorce. We got divorced in May 2019 and I never saw her again since then..
Even though it´s close to a year this happened, it still hurts. I guess the hardest part is accepting you devoted so much time to someone, who turned out to be completely different person. But I guess it all worked out well for me. Worse would be discovering this later down the road with kids etc.
She is that guy problem now. He is going to be the one sleeping with one eye open.
And as for you and me – there is somebody better out there!
Cheer up, Jan
Hei Jan,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so sad to see people’s putting their trust in the person they love so much and in the end they get disappointed.
I think your experience hurt’s a lot more than mine because you invested 10 years of your life in her and you were also married.
It really sucks.
But let’s view the good part: we are hurt as f*ck now but we will get better and find someone who deserve and apreciate all our love and involvement.
In the meantime our ex’es will be happy but will soon realise that they’re new partener isn’t what they expected to be and they will try reverse monkey – rebranching or they will just move on to a new fool leaving behind another broken heart.
And they won’t stop untill they won’t have where to go anymore.
I found out this weekend (by stalking her new facebook account) that she meet her rebound guy after 9 working days after she was hired.
And she work 3.5 months in the company.
And in all this time, she acted better than an Hollywood Actor. She lied everyone around her.
No one felt nothing, she was acting so damn good !!!!
She was speaking at work about us and about how good we are getting along.
Even if she have moments when she litteraly want to break my head 🙂 she still love me and she still see the future near me. Her co-workers told me all this since they were in shock as well and tryed to understand her.
Everybody was in shock cause all was expecting to come at our weading and they saw us as a perfect couple.
Enough with the past !!!! What was, it was , what is done, is done !!!
Like Zan say in most of his articles: get over ex’es, become a better version of yourself for you, for your ex or for your future relationship.
Focus on the present, focus on your needs, on your dreams.
And after 2 months i’m happy and glad to say that even if it still hurts, i start going to the gym and i’m planning to get a racing bike in early spring (this is my dream from 13 years ago) 🙂
I recomand you to do the same. Be a little selfish !
Enjoy life and go for your dreams !
Now i dont have the power to say “NO” to her if she contact me to get back together. I admit this and i know time is working in my favor in every way possible.Her rebound won’t last for long.She is just used by that guy.She was fooled and she dont see this.Also they will have serious issues with money and this will result in many fights and argues. I am 100% sure that she will come back to me but i am wondering if she will come when i will have the power to reject her or before i will completely heal and i will take her back ?!
From what you wrote Jan, i am confident your story will be the same but in a diferent way.
If that guy have money and he interfere in your marriage he will put himself some question marks and will dump her eventually since i bet he can’t trust a women who cheat his husband for someone better.Cause one day, she will find someone better than him. And also remember that beauty is fleeting.
I have an inner joy when I think that she gave up our plans because it took another 2 years until we got married for a guy who doesn’t know at all and hopes to have a wedding and children in less than 2 years.
Almost forgot to say that the new guy is still a baby that doesn’t come out of my mother’s word at 26 years old.He live with her mom as well. He doesn’t think at all at marriage,kids.
I can read people easy and until now I have never been wrong 🙂
And if that happens, she will be a housewife living with her mother in law,lets say with her baby, with her baby husband and she will be with no future, friends, ideals, goals in life and so on.
Which is the exact opposite of what she wanted to achieve with her life.
I’m happy because she will regret me one day !!!
Follow your dreams 🙂
Best regards,
Mihail
Hi, I am not sure if you can provide any advice, but it would have been very helpful. I think my ex-boyfriend monkey branched with a girl months before moving on to chicago.
We started relationship when I was 16 years old and he 19 years old. It was love of my life we where together for more then 10 years until July ‘19.
Several months before finding everything out he was cold with me while we was in relationship but he always was saying I will return 100% back I don’t know what I have bla bla bla. I trusted him and never could image all this.
He was bit sad for his 30s birthday (mid crisis I guess).
We talked about all the details together. Never had a fights or a breakup during all those years.
He won a Green Card lottery and we got married but we lived in our own homes. Because thought that will starts to live together when we move to the USA.
Then GC office never called about interview and was really hard 2 years for us.
Then we took a visa tourist and went to chicago.
When we was in chicago he was even colder and I found a deleted screenshot with a girl. And couldn’t stay calm I was mad and asked how is she? He said no one. Then next day I wanted to talk about ‘how is she?’ And he was like I need a break 4 months break. I was extremely sad, needy everything worst in that situation.
During those days with every panic action of me he was saying time to time you are proving me that you don’t deserve me.
When we returned to Europe (after 3 worst weeks in chicago) I saw he going out from apartment with that girl.
Then he was mad that I saw that and he said it’s over our relationship even if I would want to return to you I will not.
Maybe was acting desperate maybe would have been better just to let him go and not show that drama me but I was extremely extremely sad and in bad situation.
So we divorced then he was like let’s get a drink. Then I was talking and laughing, wasn’t needy at all and tried to talk normally.
After 2 days he wrote me for a paper that he needed and I said to him please don’t written me for stupid things we are not together this is what you wanted right? And told him if you aren’t sorry and will never see what you did don’t ever write me again because will block you in every social media and he was like okay we will meet and talk (said it several times) and since 24 July we are at no contact rules.
I still cannot get over it has pass 3 months of NC.
Should I ever write him first? What you suggest as expert.
I’m still so lost and would want to have a chance and see if we can fix anything.
I truly loved him and still do.
Thank you million times for this website and your help on this.
P.S sorry tried to not write a very long story. If you need any more details about my relationship please let me know 🙂
Sincerely,
Linda
Hey,
My ex-gf monkey branched me. Left me for someone else. We were in a 7 year relationship. She started to distance herself from me at the end of the relationship and at the end told me that its my fault because i was every time unavailable for her. She broke up with me on 30th march. Then in may she send me a mail where she told me that in the last year of relationship she didn’t feel love with me. After that my ex reached out me in june, then in August wished me on my birthday, then in september messaged me by asking “how are you? and I miss u”. Then today she messaged me to “will you talk or meet me?” I didn’t responded to any messages of her. I know i love her but i know she left me for some other person. She cheated on me.
What should i do? should i meet her? or should i respond to her message. one more thing On the day of breakup i propose her for marriage, She said she kissed someone else “which she didn’t mean to”.
Over these 6 months, I cried a lot. I try to control my anxiety. I try not to message of call her. Instead of that i call my friend to talk about it. Everyone Be patient. Life if beautiful.
I know i am not heal fully. Everyday i think about her. Because i always saw her as my life partner. Love is very painful. Trust is very rare.
Hi John.
If you want another shot, then I suggest you reply to her and find out what she wants.
If you want to keep healing, on the other hand, then don’t do anything that causes you pain and anxiety. It will likely set you back badly.
Trust is indeed rare to find so decide whether your ex is capable of learning her lesson.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey zan,
I replied her back. She wanted to meet me. I told her the place to meet nearby to her office but she was scared to come there(coz her new bf work with her), but agreed to come. Then in the last moment i cancelled the plan because then i thought she left me for someone else
I replied ” i thought and realised that we should not meet coz it would be unfair and not loyal to the person whom u r dating now”
I played the victim card.
She replied : fine… Yes it would be unfair and not loyal to all the people whom i am dating..because i am wrong in searching for a life partner.. And it would be equally unfair to the girls u must be talking to… All the best in future. Goodbye…”
Then after some hours she send me sorry and said forget anything i wrote.
Then i didnot reply anything.
After 2 days she blocked me on whatsapp
Then after few days she unblocked me.
I am in NC again
Zan, i know she left me for another guy but she didn’t know that i know this.
I am so devastated. I invested 7 years of my life. She change her whatsapp dp and status in which she enjoying and going out trip.
Its been 7 months in our breakup. She is with that guy. I think there is no chance that she would come back.
One more reason for not meeting her is that i am not healed properly. I thought after meeting, if not positive or if she came only for closure, i would be more devastated.
Zan bro help me. What should i do?
I love her. I know that i had made mistakes in the relationship but she monkey branch. I never thought in my whole life she can do these things to me.
One more thing to add. She always listen to her elder brother advise. Her brother didnot like me also. Her brother also played minor role in our breakup.
Sometime i think she is just playing some mind game with me.
Since then(14th oct).. We didn’t message to each other.
Now should i message her or should i again wait. Now NC is broken. What could i do?
The person she left me for earn more than me and work with her.
I also thought that why she is in touch with me because she scared that i would tell other guy regarding our past relationship and that she cheated on me. (but I’ll not do these kind of low shit)
Zan bro my life is going through hell. What should i do bro?
Sometime i think that was my last chance. I wanted her to comeback but i know she is not the same person now.
Moving on is quite difficult for me. Its been 7 months i have done only little improvement in me.
Zan should i talk to her or again go in NC. Because if i go again in NC she will be moving on very easily now.
Hi John.
She’s moving on with or without you.
So stay in no contact and heal. You mustn’t reach out to her. Especially not when she’s dating someone.
Wait for their relationship to end and she might contact you.
But until then, improve yourself, friend.
Don’t waste this post-breakup time.
Best,
Zan
Man, that happened to me. 7 years and he left me for somebody of his job… the job we both dreamed, the one that i help him to got with contacts. He do not know that i know. But i am recovering and i do not feel the need to get back with him. The only thing i ask God is: Give me the chance to tell him that i knew what he did and… Divine Justice… because i did not deserved what he did.
Trust does not mean that others have to do things the way you expect them to. Trust means to become vulnerable
Hi,
My ex boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We had a good relationship and never fought. At the end of our relationship one of his friends started acting more interested in him and he started talking about her more. He said he wasn’t attracted to her at all. He seemed happy with me. A week before our breakup he called me up, crying, to tell me how much he loved and missed me. We broke up almost two months ago and started dating her almost immediately and they really show each other off on instagram. He still texts me at least once a week, we hung out twice and he said he wanted to hang out soon, and he still keeps our pictures on instagram and facebook. I think he still has some feelings for me but I’m not sure.
Hi Amber.
Right now, his focus is on her. So as long as this is the case, he’s trying to make his new relationship work.
Stay strong and show him you’re okay with the breakup.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend left me in April – he broke it of over the phone after more than 2,5 years in a serious relationship. I have had very little contact with him since- we even meet for an session with therapist. That didnt do any good as it justified everything for him and left me with more questions. I have asked him several times if he had meet someone else (I had a relationship in my 20s that ended with cheating so that is always my nightmare)
Now I have realised that he is in a relationship with an old female friend. I even asked about her! I have no idea when their contact have changed from normal friendship to more contact but I am pretty sure it happened during this winter. He has been quite depressed and sad during the winter (he turned 41 so maybe a small midlife crisis) I just think that was why he had been withdrawing a bit on us- other than that he was nice as usual- we was always close and attentive when together.
Now he seems to be in a relationship and it kills me! He haven’t told me anything- but just lied to my face.
Why don’t he just tell me the truth when he has nothing to loose? We are still friends on Facebook and he haven’t removed pictures or tagged photos. Why is that when it is obvious that he has moved on?
I still have his things and he has mine. We had talked about it a few times about exchanging the things but only on my initiative. But since middle/end may I haven’t heard a thing from him. Why is that? Why don’t he just want to close the book on us when he has moved forward?
Why do men thing that it is easier just to cut the contact completely? And why is it me that need to contact him about our things?
So sorry for this long long writing- but I have so many questions that I somehow is looking for answers on.
I really miss him and his 2 children- we didn’t lived together but I was at his place a lot and the loss have made a big hole in my heart and life.
Hi Mary.
He doesn’t want to tell you the truth because that would hurt you. He instead runs away from the problem and lets you deal with it on your own.
He probably has closed the book but doesn’t care enough about his things. The same can be said about not contacting you as he wants to be left alone for now.
I know he’s hurt you a lot, but this doesn’t mean you should wait for him. Do your best to detach from him and find activities to distract yourself with.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
I am not sure if you can provide any advise.
I think my ex-boyfriend monkey branched with a girl from work who also had a boyfriend. My ex and her split up with me (and her ex) at the same time and went on their first date two days later. I assume they had the conversation about leaving their current relationships for a new one.
I used to live with my ex and I had moved to my parents temporarily to try and fix things between us, when I came home one day to pick something up he pulled up with her in the car, she stayed the night in my bed, I got a text saying “did you need something” and my parents moved me out 3 days later.
I thought this relationship would have ended by now, but it hasn’t. He is taking her out and doing things that we used to do together that I thought mean’t something and I have just found out they booked a holiday for the end of September together.
It has been a month since he split up with me and all this stuff has happened, I have done the NC rule for 30 days now (I didn’t reply to his text). I am still so heartbroken and upset, I don’t know how to cope or move on. I have this craving feeling that I want him back but I think deep down I know that after he cheated on me and has done all this, I don’t actually want to be back with him. I just want all the pain and hurt to stop.
We were together on/off for 10 years but have been friends for 13, he was such a big part of my life and we went through so much together. I just don’t know how he can treat me with this little respect and as if i never existed.
This new girl looks very similar to me, drives the same car, as the same hair ect.
I am just looking for some help or advice.
Thanks, Lucy
Hi Lucy.
You probably shouldn’t get back together with him since he cheated on you. The fact that your relationship had been unsteady, you may want to consider dating others as well. Perhaps both of you should look for someone better suited. Right now, you need to heal before you date so try to focus on yourself for a while. I know it hurts to lose someone so abruptly in such a disrespectful way, but you need some self-love right now.
As for what you should do – do nothing. You can’t interfere with her relationship. Wait it out, and if it ever ends, you might have another chance.
Best,
Zan
My ex girlfriend monkey branched and started dating the guy within a month. They have been going on vacations together and she would show him off to social media. I don’t have her on social media anymore obviously but I hear about it from friends. I saw her at a bar a couple days ago and said hi and talked for a couple minutes before I ended it and left, her new guy wasn’t there but she was with all her friends. I have gone no contact since we ended things other than saying hi when I see her in public. I want her back but at the same time I don’t because I don’t think it would last if we got back together. But what you explained about her insecurities and having to be with guys for validation is spot on. It’s my birthday next month and I think she’ll reach out. We broke up in early March and she started dating at the end of the month. I did everything wrong for the first week of the breakup: crying, begging, pleading. When she sees me in public I can tell she has seen a difference, I heard most rebounds last 4-5months which is only a month or two away and right around my birthday. What adobe do you have?
Thank you
Hi Kyle.
Your ex does indeed have insecurity issues which she swept under the rug. This is probably going to contribute to the demise of her current relationship—whether it’s a rebound or not. The fact is that she hasn’t improved or changed one bit. She merely swung from one tree onto another.
I’m sorry. What’s your question?
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex monkey branched and got a new guy after 2 weeks of us breaking up. They’ve been together for two and a half months. She keeps showing him off a ton (super uncharacteristic). I know for a fact she’s trying to make me jealous. We have mutual friends and she doesn’t talk about me to them. But I partied with her best friend and she got super mad at her friend. Even talked to her and told her best friend to stay away from me (while she was dating her new guy). I’m just not sure what to do now because I do think she still has feelings for me but she is too stubborn / angry to do anything.
Hey Peter,
why don’t you join our Discord to give us more detail about your situation? I’m sure we can help you analyzing your situation and give you a game plan.
If you want your Ex back, it is not advisable to team up with mutual friends, since they will always carry on information about you or the things you said to them, even though they might tell you they wont. Especially women tend to do such things.
You said, that your Ex is trying to make you jealous. That might be, but in that case, I can not recommend you to pursue this woman. She wants you to suffer and this is a very vile thing.
You also said your Ex is too stubborn/angry to admit her feelings to you. The thing is: No matter how angry or stubborn a person is, if they want contact with you, they will make it work.
Cheers!
Hi Peter.
Your ex is holding grudges against you. There’s nothing you can do but to let her anger run its course. Needless to say, she doesn’t have the right to prohibit her best friend from partying with you. So if it’s something you want to do, by all means, do so.
Best,
Zan