There’s a lot to do during and after the no contact rule. Your next steps depend on how the no contact rule ends.
If it ends with your ex reaching out and talking about getting back together, you should state your expectations and wait for your ex to agree to them. Of course, be open to compromise, but make sure to let your ex do the hard work himself or herself.
Your ex stopped putting the work in and must, therefore, learn to value you.
However, if your ex broke no contact just to talk to you or get something from you, then you obviously shouldn’t consider it the end of no contact. You should consider it a breadcrumb – a meaningless message dumpers send to obtain information or some kind of favor or benefit. No contact doesn’t end when your ex wants to apologize, be friends, or learns how you’ve been. It ends when he or she discovers your romantic value and wants you back in his or her life.
That’s when you can stop avoiding your ex on purpose and do your best to cooperate.
Some dumpees (usually the misinformed ones) think that no contact stops when they want it to stop. They believe they must leave their ex alone for a preset number of days, assuming their ex will deal with his or her issues and want them back. Typically, they do 30 days of no contact and then reach out to ask for another chance.
Such dumpees break the no contact rule on their terms and, therefore, empower their ex negatively. They often suffocate their ex with their feelings, needs, and expectations—and make their ex want to be with them even less. Because their ex has no feelings and regrets, they’re forced to restart no contact, let go of hope, and rely on themselves for healing and self-love.
This means they must resist the temptation to talk to their ex and learn more about what their ex needs and how no contact can help them.
So if you want to know what to do after the no contact rule, you mustn’t do anything that shows you still obsess over your ex. You mustn’t consider no contact to be over and reach out to your ex. If you reach out, you’ll show that you’re not over your ex and that you have romantic expectations of your ex.
When your ex sees that you want to get back together, your ex will immediately put his or her guard up and refuse to bond or even talk. Your ex will hurt your feelings and increase your urges to reconnect. Hence, it’s in your best interest to stay in no contact until your ex expresses interest in you. Wait for your ex to want to be with you and give you a good reason to end no contact.
It’s super important not to end no contact ahead of time. If you end it while you’re still healing and your ex feels relieved, you’re bound to suffer. That’s because you’ll put immense pressure on your ex and force your ex to protect him/herself. The more you expect from your ex and the worse your ex’s self-control is, the greater the chance your ex will take his or her frustration out on you.
It’s hard to predict how your ex will respond if you break no contact with the expectation to get back together, but if you’re still anxious or depressed, you mustn’t reach out and find out. It’s safer to keep your distance and heal completely. You can think about ending no contact and perhaps even try to be friends when you no longer crave your ex’s closeness and recognition.
Additionally, redefine what you consider the end of no contact. If you believe no contact ends after a set number of days, you’ve likely fallen for bad advice and need to learn the truth about no contact. You need to learn that it ends only when your ex wants you back or when you’re over your ex. It can’t end before then because someone won’t be ready for friendship or reconciliation.
If you have feelings for your ex and want your ex back, you need to be patient and let your ex come to you. Let your ex show you that you’re his or her top priority and that you will end no contact only to work on the relationship. If there’s no relationship to work on, there’s no reason to talk.
You’re better off focusing on yourself and people who can give you what you want.
During no contact (while you’re waiting for your ex to have an epiphany), you must stay active and busy. Spend time with friends and family, take up new hobbies, and pursue your ambitions. Show your ex and others that the breakup didn’t suck the passion out of your life (at least not permanently) and that you have plenty of things to look forward to.
Those things must exclude your ex, so that you can regain your identity and live for yourself.
Self-improvement is another important part of the no contact process. This is the perfect time for you to make some changes in your life. Do this by reflecting on your mistakes, flaws, and things that need improvement. You have, at most, a few months to take the breakup seriously and address the issues that led to it.
If you don’t invest yourself now that you’re hurting, you won’t do it later either. You’ll probably have to experience another breakup and find another source of external motivation. So use this time to make some internal changes. The more changes you make, the bigger the chance that your ex will notice them before you get back together and appreciate them when you get back together.
You need to stay busy and see the breakup as the problem and no contact as the solution. You will benefit from no contact immensely, provided you understand how it works and stay committed to it at all costs. Those who break it, thinking their ex has had enough space and time to think things through, usually fail to reattract their ex and suffer more as a result.
In today’s post, we’ll discuss what to do during and after no contact – when the dumper becomes regretful and wants you back.
What to do after the 30-day no contact rule?
Many people fall prey to breakup coaches who advocate the 30-day no contact rule. While there’s nothing wrong with following no contact for 30 days, it’s wrong to break it just because the set amount of time is up. 30 days are usually not enough for the dumper to process negative breakup emotions, redevelop feelings, and regret leaving.
They’re enough only for manipulative dumpers who use the breakup to hurt the dumpee and force him to change his behavior.
Other dumpers don’t regret breaking up. They need more time, problems, and pain to engage in reflection and understand that they let go of someone great. They need to see that they underestimated their ex and overestimated their ability to find happiness without their ex.
If you’ve been following the 30-day no contact rule and the time is up or nearly up, you can simply extend it by another 30 days. Prolonging no contact will prevent you from making breakup mistakes, such as reaching out and pouring your heart out. It will allow you to keep focusing on yourself and rely on yourself for healing and growth.
The longer you stay in no contact, the better you will feel and the clearer you will see that reaching out can’t make your ex fall back in love. Time will help you regain your rationality and see your ex for the person he or she truly is. If your ex is not the right person for you, time in no contact will help you understand that and stop caring about your ex.
So don’t be afraid of prolonging the no contact rule for another 30 days or longer. Don’t fear that your ex will move on if you do nothing. Your ex will probably appreciate the space you give and think about you more and in a more positive light.
30 days of post-breakup silence is nothing. It’s barely enough for dumpers to notice their ex is gone.
You’ve got to understand that your job isn’t to look for the perfect timing to get back in touch with your ex. Your job is to recover from rejection, become happy, and improve yourself. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be in a much better position to make a positive impression on your ex and increase the chances of getting back together.
That’s because you won’t rely on your ex for happiness and won’t come across as desperate or in denial. You’ll simply mind your own business and live a meaningful life.
Always remember that dumpers find perseverance repulsive. This includes reaching out, asking for explanations or favors, and begging for another chance. When dumpees show they need dumpers, they overwhelm and stress dumpers and make them crave even more space.
It’s super important to understand what your ex wants, expects, and needs after the break. By understanding your ex, you avoid making your ex feel emotions he or she doesn’t want to feel and kick the ball in your ex’s court. Instead of chasing your ex, you let your ex know that you accept his/her decision and respect yourself enough not to pursue a disinterested person and act like a beggar.
So what to do after the 30-day no contact rule?
Extend the no contact rule and change your understanding of breakups. Learn what your ex needs after the breakup and how he or she can fall back in love. When you realize that your ex’s feelings aren’t influenced by your efforts but by your ex’s experiences, personality, and coping mechanisms, you’ll understand that extending no contact beyond the initial 30 days is the best choice for both of you.
It won’t be easy to leave your ex alone, especially if you’ve been looking forward to ending no contact on day 30, but you have no other option. You need to extend no contact beyond 30 days so you can detach, gain clarity, and respect your ex’s need for space.
When you’re both fully recovered, you can consider ending no contact and being friends, friends with benefits, or something else. You can discuss how you can contribute to each other’s lives.
Until then, your top priority is to learn what you can from your mistakes and grow within.
With that said, here are 7 things to ask yourself after the 30, 45, 60-day, or any pre-set/limited no contact rule.
What to do after no contact when your ex wants you back?
Most limited no contact followers see the end of no contact as the moment their ex reaches out. They think they can start texting and calling their ex and try to reel their ex back in. They don’t understand that no contact ends when their ex expresses romantic interest in them and wants them back.
Because they don’t understand the basics of no contact, they take an active approach with their ex and try to reconcile with their ex by force. Needless to say, they annoy their ex, get rejected, and find themselves back at square one.
To avoid getting and feeling rejected by the person you love, you must remain in no contact until your ex expresses regret, feelings, and plans to get back together. Don’t try to be with your ex just because your limited no contact is up or because your ex reached out.
When your ex wants you back, you can agree to take your ex back, but make sure to set some boundaries and conditions first. Let your ex know that you’re willing to give the relationship another chance if he or she shows signs of improvement and long-term commitment. This will ensure that your ex takes you seriously and works for your forgiveness and loyalty.
Your ex mustn’t think that he or she is doing you a favor. If your ex comes back thinking he or she is the prize, your ex will likely leave again when things get tough.
So express your expectations and requirements and wait for your ex to accept them. It will motivate your ex to try harder and help you regain your lost power. If at any point you notice your ex slipping back into his or her old ways, remind your ex—or rather, warn your ex that failing to demonstrate maturity and commitment will lead to another breakup.
That’s how you can stay in control of the reconciliation process and exude self-love.
It will take some time to fully trust your ex, but if your ex sees your worth and is committing to growing both individually and with you, your ex shouldn’t have a problem with letting you lead and take some time to be able to trust again. After all, the breakup hurt you immensely and forced you to accept or start accepting a life without your ex.
In conclusion, keep working on yourself and give your ex a chance only when your ex comes back and wants to build something meaningful with you.
Did you learn what to do after the no contact rule? Share your thoughts on this topic below.
And lastly, if you need help navigating no contact, reach out to us directly by subscribing to coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
