What Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant?

Chasing an avoidant is no fun. Every time you try to get close to an avoidant and think you’ve made some progress, the avoidant steps on the brakes and shows you that you’re not on the same page emotionally and interest-wise.

You’re miles apart in that regard because you’re different people. You’re a person who likes to spend time together and bond whereas the avoidant (presumably your ex or someone you dated or want to date) is unwilling or incapable of connecting with you.

Due to something that happened in the past, he or she prefers to keep you at a comfortable distance and stay in control of what happens to his or her emotions, time, and other things that you want.

The avoidant just can’t give you what you’re asking because he or she is afraid or smothered by your indirect requests and presence. Your behavior (as friendly as it may be) overwhelms the avoidant and triggers his or her need for space and solitude.

And this hurts you immensely. It activates your desire for recognition and bonding and makes you want to be with the avoidant even more. His or her rejection (direct or indirect) starves you for approval as you developed expectations of this person and are deeply invested in him or her.

How could you not be when you’ve given much more than you’ve received?

I call such relationships imbalanced relationships. They’re very difficult relationships as avoidants don’t realize that they’re keeping people away due to some traumatic experience that most likely occurred in childhood and that they have some work to do on themselves.

They have to get to the root cause of their thoughts, feelings, fears, and behaviors and begin working on them (preferably with a therapist).

Most avoidants (and people in general) sadly don’t realize they need help. They tend not to ask themselves why they’re avoiding deep emotional connections and who or what may be responsible for it.

Avoidants who’ve been avoiding people all their life simply don’t see their behavior as the main part of the issue. They think others are being too pushy, intrusive, demanding, or complicated and that they need to back off and respect their boundaries.

Such people often want lots and lots of space to themselves so they can focus on themselves and do what makes them happy.

Typically, avoidants like to:

• spend time with friends rather than romantic partners
• relax at home a lot (many are introverts)
• participate in activities that require minimum interactions with people

If an average person dislikes being pressured and told what to do, an avoidant absolutely despises it. He or she loathes controlling behaviors and highly emotional situations that create a feeling of losing control and being forced into thinking, feeling, and behaving like others.

An avoidant needs people to understand them and act accordingly to their feelings, beliefs, and expectations. Those who aren’t on the same page with them usually find themselves being pushed away.

In relationships, avoidants are in full control and set the pace. At the beginning of the relationship, they appear “normal” because they’re satisfied and like how the relationship feels. But when things start getting serious (normally a couple of months into the relationship), they stop feeling infatuated and reveal their true selves.

That’s when they show what they want to do with their free time and how often they want to see their partner.

Some avoidants outrightly express they feel suffocated whereas others choose a more indirect approach. Instead of directly rejecting their partner, they say they like to see the person they date only x number of times a week and at certain times.

They basically dictate the flow of the relationship early on as expect their partner to act in accordance with their wants and needs. They are the least interested/attached party, so they can take bigger risks.

That obviously doesn’t make their partner happy. Their partner typically has bigger relationship goals and expectations. But because their partner loves them and depends on them, he or she doesn’t have a choice but to comply. This is how their partner embarks on a journey of anxiety, yearning, and tons of unmet expectations.

In today’s post, we discuss what happens when you stop chasing an avoidant who hasn’t paid much attention to you.

Why do avoidants avoid you?

An avoidant doesn’t avoid you to hurt you and make you chase. He or she does it to focus on plans that don’t involve you. Those plans include hobbies, activities, and people who make the avoidant feel the safest and most comfortable.

It’s not your fault that the person you like ignored you. The avoidant just feels the most pressured and his/her true self when he or she is around you. The man or woman thinks that he or she needs to put his or her needs aside for you and meet your expectations and please you.

This is especially true if you’re in a relationship or were in a relationship because that would make you this person’s partner or ex-partner – someone he or she got used to and can treat the way you allow him or her to treat you.

Sadly, many people will give you the kind of treatment you give yourself. If they see you lack respect for yourself, they’ll take you as seriously as you take yourself and end up hurting you. In other words, they’ll do anything they can to uplift themselves and protect themselves.

Mean people will boost their egos and feel better about themselves whereas avoidants will sacrifice your health and well-being for theirs.

So keep in mind that an avoidant avoids you not because you’re a bad person but because you’re more attached and interested in being with him or her than the avoidant is in you.

As long as the relationship is so imbalanced, the avoidant is going to feel pressured and uncomfortable and avoid you like the plague when he or she feels you need something he or she can’t or doesn’t feel like giving.

Of course, the avoidant could eventually reflect and grow, but that likely won’t happen while he or she is with you. It is much more likely to happen later when someone or something hurts the avoidant and forces him or her to think and self-invest.

If you wait for an avoidant to change while he or she is with you, you’ll most likely be waiting a long time (maybe forever). Changing avoidant tendencies will not only take time but will also require immense commitment.

You have to remember that avoidant behavior is deep-rooted and that a mere desire to be a better partner won’t suffice. The avoidant will have to discover what event or events in life caused emotional scars and made him or her avoid deep connections.

Only then can the avoidant then start doing the opposite of what feelings instruct him or her to do.

So if feelings tell the avoidant to run, the avoidant will have to practice relaxation techniques and communicate the way he or she feels and doesn’t feel. That’s how the avoidant can rewire his/her brain and find deep conversations, bonding, and time more pleasant and valuable.

What happens when you stop chasing an avoidant

If you’re in a relationship with an avoidant, the best thing you can do is stop chasing. Withdrawing your attention and pressure won’t instantly fix things, but it will make your partner feel respected and understood. It will tell him something’s changed and that you don’t depend on him as much as you did before.

This could (but likely won’t) encourage him to be more self-aware and invest in you out of fear of losing you. Pulling back is a simple psychological trick that makes romantic partners afraid of being abandoned and feeling unworthy and undesired.

Usually, stepping away from a partner who doesn’t appreciate you and pay you sufficient attention hurts the partner and makes him or her try harder. But when it comes to avoidants, they tend not to feel very motivated to invest. They normally appreciate the space they get and as a result, continue to focus on themselves.

It’s the same with avoidant dumpers. They also like to be left alone and don’t expect and want to be chased. The end of the chase doesn’t suddenly make them want to hear from you because they’re finally allowed to do what they want and feel like themselves.

Avoidant exes don’t regret breaking up anytime soon because they’re convinced their ex wasn’t compatible with them. They think their ex didn’t understand them and wasn’t on the same page with them—and that the only thing left to do is to distance themselves from their ex.

By doing so, they can focus on themselves and try to find someone who accepts their minimalistic relationship expectations and a lack of investment in the relationship. Little do they know that such people are hard to find as most people want a serious commitment.

They don’t want to be in a relationship that feels more like friendship with benefits.

That’s why the most compatible dating partner for an avoidant is an avoidant. It must just be another avoidant person, though. It must be someone with similar values, goals, perceptions, and expectations.

If your ex was an avoidant, you need to stop chasing your ex immediately. Refusing to do so will only complicate things as it will give your ex unnecessary power and put him or her into a corner.

And what do people backed into a corner do?

They feel they have no choice but to respond in ways that match the pressure their ex is giving them. For many avoidants, this is an extremely angry response that forces dumpees to stay away from them.

So if you’re certain the person you’re dealing with is an avoidant or has avoidant tendencies, know that any kind of chasing (aka pressuring) is going to have the opposite of the desired effect. It’s going to decrease the avoidant’s interest and respect for you and lower the chances of having any kind of relationship with him or her.

The only logical thing to do in such a situation is to stop running after the avoidant and look after yourself.

When you stop chasing an avoidant, you’ll notice that the avoidant is happier and more relaxed. And that will be all the proof you need to know that you’re doing the right thing.

It may not be what you want because you want to see the avoidant care about you and talk to you, but obviously, forcing it isn’t the right approach here. Force hasn’t cultivated any success so far and it most likely never will.

Always remember that an avoidant is void of love and that the only thing he or she has left for you is respect. If you give him or her a reason to take that away too, you’ll not only have a difficult time attracting the avoidant but also find it hard to love yourself.

You’ll want the avoidant to love you so badly that you’ll fail to value yourself.

It’s fair to say that at the moment, your situation is completely one-sided. You’re doing all the work while the person in question is taking it easy. For the relationship to work, things much flip upside down. The avoidant must fear losing you and you must be okay with the relationship ending.

When that happens, the avoidant will give you your power back, chase you, and put you in a position of strength where you can decide what the best thing to do is.

So while you’re waiting for power to switch, do your best to preserve your worth. Go no contact with the avoidant and let him or her see that you’re not going to chase a person who avoids you and doesn’t appreciate you.

Here’s what normally happens when you stop chasing an avoidant and focus on yourself.

Walking away from an avoidant is a must. Do it to keep your sanity and preserve your self-worth. The person you’re walking away from needs to feel that you value yourself and that he or she isn’t worth chasing.

So distance yourself from an avoidant when you’re not a priority. It will send the message that your self-esteem and self-control are high enough to be happy on your own.

What happens to you when you stop chasing an avoidant?

When you stop chasing an avoidant, you’ll slowly start processing your attachment to the avoidant and feeling better. You won’t recover overnight because healing takes time, but a week or two after withdrawing your attention, you will feel that you’ve regained some control over your mind and body and that it was the right thing to do.

Pulling away from someone who doesn’t give you the recognition you deserve will free you. It will let you see and feel that he or she was the worst person you could have gotten close to and that the most sensible thing to do is to stay far away from him or her.

The farther you are physically and the bigger the emotional distance, the less you’ll miss the avoidant and the fewer emotional setbacks you’ll encounter. The breakup/relationship recovery plan is the same whether your dating partner/ex is a fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or just an average joe who rejected you.

You need to stop chasing an avoidant to recognize your worth and live a happy life. Make sure to also stay away from advice that says avoidants can be reasoned with. They may be rational people, but they won’t change the way they perceive you and the things they expect out of romantic relationships.

The sooner you accept you don’t have the power to change an avoidant the better.

What if an avoidant still loves you?

If an avoidant loves you, rest assured that you’ll be the first to learn about it. You’ll see that he or she has feelings for you soon or right after pulling away.

I can say this confidently because your lack of interest and presence will tell the avoidant that you’re fed up with avoidant behavior and that you want an all-or-nothing kind of relationship. You want a relationship in which you feel respected, wanted, and prioritized.

If you can’t have that, you don’t want to be a part of his or her life at all.

So if an avoidant you’re going no contact with still loves you, the man or woman will quickly let you know that. Avoidant or not, losing a romantic partner is painful and scary and makes even the most prideful people realize they lost a valuable person who treated them with care and respect.

You need to be patient and have faith that someone who loves you will show you love by refusing to spend more than a few days apart from you.

What do you think happens when you stop chasing an avoidant? Are you tempted to stop chasing once and for all? Let us know what your experience with an avoidant is/was like in the comments below.

However, if you prefer to talk to someone about it, know that Magnet of Success specializes in relationships and breakups and that we may be able to assist you. Check out our services here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.