If you’re trying to reconnect with your ex, you probably already know that reconciliation will take you and your ex through certain reconnection stages. It will introduce you to a myriad of different emotions, test you like never before, and make you two the only ones responsible for the success or failure of the relationship.
If you succeed, you’ll discover that you’re meant for each other and that you have the ability to overcome even something as difficult as a breakup.
And if you fail, you’ll have only yourselves to blame as you’ll deliberately or indeliberately give up on each other and pursue different goals and interests. You’ll reap the rewards of your actions or inactions and show each other you’re incapable or unwilling to leave the past behind and start anew.
So if you want to learn about the stages of reconnecting with an ex, bear in mind that these stages will push you and your ex to your limits. They won’t only be emotionally challenging and require you to be the best versions of yourselves, capable of letting go of the past and trusting each other, but they’ll also require you to love each other for who you are and believe in second/third/or perhaps even fourth chances.
Your determination and maturity will determine whether you make it or break it.
Every consecutive breakup makes the relationship harder, so you’ll need to stop fooling around, start valuing each other as romantic partners, find the motivation to restore the relationship to its pristine condition, and invest wholeheartedly. If you invest only partially, you’ll either fail to get back together or fail shortly after getting back together.
Either way, you won’t get the results you want and expect because your interest won’t match the requirements for making the relationship work.
Healthy reconciliations take an enormous amount of effort and commitment. They need you and your ex to stop taking things personally (thinking from a victim’s perspective) and start acting like mature adults with their priorities figured out. Mature adults constantly evolve and understand the importance of emotional self-control and healthy communication.
They’re aware of their flaws and know that long-term compatibility is created through self-investment and investment in the relationship rather than factors outside of their control.
Those who play the victim and downplay their reasons for breaking up by saying they’ve grown apart, gotten tired of the relationship, or found someone “more interesting to be with” don’t know anything about relationships. They don’t know how to maintain a serious romantic relationship because they have a poor relationship mentality and lack self-awareness.
To them, relationships are tools to benefit from. They see them as opportunities to lean on when help is needed and warning signs to run away when things get tough.
Sadly, such people stop watering the relationship and giving them reasons to thrive as soon as they get used to their partners and take them for granted. They don’t see the point in giving it their best because they don’t value their partners and don’t fear losing them. In relationships, they think they’re in charge and strongly believe they exercise significantly more patience than their partners.
Their egos essentially prevent them from engaging in reflection and discovering their flaws. As a result, they keep detaching until they lose interest and feelings and decide to leave.
If you’re thinking of reconnecting with an ex, you need to understand that the dumper must deal with his or her ego and pride while the dumpee gets rid of his or her low self-esteem and anxiety. Both the dumpee and the dumpee must be back to their normal selves (as much as possible) so they don’t overwhelm each other unnecessarily and throw off the balance of power and respect.
For example, if the dumper remains in complete control, he or she is likely to soon find the dumpee annoying and leave. The dumper won’t stick around for long because the dumpee won’t be a challenge for him or her. The dumpee will be too easy to win over and please.
Hence, it’s essential that during the reconnection stages, you both do your part and show each other you’re equals, willing to do your best to start a new relationship and rebuild trust from the ground up.
The moment someone does the other person’s job, your chances of a successful reconnection decrease as you show you’re too eager to make things right. When you started dating, you didn’t go all in from the beginning either. You first courted your ex and got to know each other before you recommitted.
This time, you already know each other as people, but you must give each other what you lack or need.
The dumpee will need to control the reconciliation whereas the dumper will need to give back the power he or she stole. This means you’ll both have some adjustments to make. Most of them will come naturally, provided you both want a relationship for the same and the right reasons. The right reasons include love, dedication, and common goals and values whereas the wrong reasons include boredom, guilt, codependence, or pressure from the family.
Everything that drives ex-couples toward each other purely for self-fulfillment and reasons unrelated to the relationship are bad reasons to re-establish contact and get back together.
So without further ado, let’s talk about the x stages of reconnecting with an ex. We’ll skip how dumpees and dumpers feel after the breakup (dumpee vs dumper stages of a breakup) and go straight to the first stage that allows ex-couples to reconnect.
1)The self-reflection/realization stage
When dumpers reach out and express the wish to reconnect, the most important thing has already happened to them. They’ve failed to create an independent life, gotten in trouble, compared their ex to their new life, and realized they can’t be happy without their ex. In other words, they’ve reflected on their decision to leave and learned that their ex was crucial to their happiness and success.
Their negative experiences after the breakup made them stop thinking highly of themselves and lowly of their ex. They left them with no choice but to face their problems head-on and avoid causing more problems for themselves. The best and quickest way for them to do damage control was to get back in touch with the dumpee and rely on him or her for their problems and emotional support.
Dumpees are dumpers’ backup plans. The only reason they go back to them is because they can’t move forward, often with someone else. Sometimes they fail multiple times with different people before they finally have an epiphany and start seeing their ex in a positive light. It’s a shame, but reflection requires them to suffer immensely. Without pain and suffering, most exes can’t return.
They need to feel the misery in their hearts to know they messed up and that they need help.
When they feel hurt, sad, and/or depressed, they engage in productive self-reflection and learn their ex made them feel safe, important, and loved – the kind of emotions they received daily but took for granted. Self-reflection makes them open their eyes, allows them to stop blaming their ex for their problems, and enables them to see that they failed to find everlasting happiness without their ex.
The realization that they underestimated their ex and overestimated themselves changes everything. It makes them respect their ex, curious about their ex, guilty about their actions, scared for their safety, and tempted to talk to their ex and get back in touch with their ex. The understanding that their ex is an important problem-solver, problem-avoider, and contributor to their short-term happiness and long-term success triggers nostalgia within them.
While dumpers engage in self-reflection, dumpees must already be done with that. They must be fully developed and detached or at least semi-detached. They mustn’t have overwhelming separation anxiety and self-esteem problems that could hinder them from portraying themselves as strong, independent, and reliable people.
Dumpees’ main task is to heal from abandonment and wait for their ex to show emotional receptiveness and willingness to reconnect. Only when they get themselves back and see that their ex is willing to talk is when they can consider getting back with their ex and developing stronger feelings for their ex.
2)The initiation stage/testing the waters stage
When ex-couples get back in touch, it must always be initiated by dumpers. Dumpers must express the wish to talk because their initiation shows they’ve processed the separation and the negative emotions that come with it. Their reach-out proves they’ve stopped feeling victimized and hurt and that they’re ready to have a healthy and productive conversation.
If dumpees take the initiative and contact the dumper themselves, they tend to put the dumper in an uncomfortable situation as they force the dumper to talk before he or she is ready to talk. The dumpee’s reach-out risks smothering the dumper and bringing a negative reaction out of him or her. A negative reaction can be anything from an irritated response to no response at all.
This more often than not, hurts the dumpee’s high hopes and his or her feelings and self-esteem. It leaves the dumpee with no choice but to cease contact and start or resume the indefinite no contact rule.
So if you’re thinking of giving the relationship a fair shot, don’t try to control the situation on your terms and skip the stages of reconnecting with an ex. Although there’s a chance your ex is ready to talk and is already thinking about reaching out, it’s much more likely that your ex hasn’t been through the self-reflection stage yet and is still enjoying his or her post-breakup freedom.
Reaching out before your ex has realized your worth would be a huge mistake because it’d make you chase your ex and show you’re willing to throw your dignity and pride away for a relationship that no longer exists.
Hence, the reconciliation conversation must strictly be initiated by the person who left the relationship. It mustn’t be initiated by the dumpee because it risks overwhelming the dumper and getting rejected and hurt.
You’ll know your ex is ready to talk and won’t get overwhelmed (unless your ex only wants to check up on you or talk about something he or she needs) when your ex contacts you and expresses romantic interest in you. Romantic interest will show that you’re extremely important to your ex and that your ex can’t live a fulfilling life without you.
Your biggest challenge during the initiation stage will be distinguishing romantic interest from the non-romantic one. You’ll have to analyze your ex’s behavior and see if your ex has learned his or her lessons or skipped the realization stage altogether. If your ex has skipped it, your ex will talk about hobbies, interests, and friends rather than regrets, realizations, and feelings.
Your ex will appear happy rather than sad and anxious (basically how you felt when you got dumped).
The initiation stage can happen days into the breakup or years later. There’s no set time frame for it because it depends on the dumper’s reflection and realization—as well as your post-breakup behavior and mistakes.
So don’t try to make things easier for your ex and reach out in your ex’s stead. If you make the job easier for your ex, you’ll make it effortless and prevent your ex from putting any effort into reconciliation. You’ll show you’re willing to do all the work yourself, which will, in turn, discourage your ex from investing in you and seeing you as an equal.
Always remember that dumpers value dumpees who keep their distance, stay mysterious, and rebuild their self-esteem. Such dumpees can support them emotionally, reciprocate their feelings, and fill their void when they run into problems they lack the courage or skills to resolve.
When your dumper ex reaches out and breaks the ice, your ex will observe your feelings and interest in getting back together. He or she will want to know how you feel so he or she understands your self-love and boundaries. Your boundaries are an extremely important factor in getting back together because they show how much the relationship means to you.
If you’re instantly willing to forgive your ex and get back together, your ex won’t have to work on regaining your trust.
Your ex will get it for free and feel no desire or need to impress you and return your lost power. Your ex will feel tempted to hog the power and continue the relationship on his or her terms. This will make you feel anxious and won’t end well for you. The relationship won’t be healthy and won’t last long because you’ll do too much and your ex too little.
3)The bonding stage
If your ex reaches out for the right reasons (to get back together), your ex will consider you a person he or she can’t live without. Your ex will find you so valuable, your ex will compliment you, invite you out, talk to you about his or her feelings and regrets, and try to make you feel how he or she feels. By talking about the good times, your ex will bond with you, feel validated by you, and make it clear that he or she wants you back.
Your ex will verbally or non-verbally express that he or she has feelings for you and that he or she wants to invest in the relationship together with you. Unlike before (when your ex had no interest in bonding), your ex will understand your worth as a romantic partner and want to reconnect immediately.
Your ex won’t wait because pain and feelings will urge your ex to be emotionally close to you and reap the emotional rewards of being in a relationship.
In this stage, your ex will already know what you bring to the table. You won’t need to show your ex you’ve changed and convince your ex you deserve another chance. Your ex will be the one asking for a chance because your ex will love you and need you to reciprocate his or her feelings and efforts.
The bonding stage occurs shortly after the reach-out when the dumper breaks no contact. Typically, it occurs minutes after the end of no contact or as soon as the dumper feels safe enough to express feelings and expectations. When the dumper feels safe and sees that you respect yourself, the dumper will show romantic interest in your life.
The dumper will do this by asking all kinds of questions that encourage conversation and prepare you for the reconciliation talk.
Some of the questions your ex might ask might sound simple, but they are nonetheless extremely important. They could help your ex create a safe space to get close to you and make you feel comfortable.
Your ex might ask:
- How have you been?
- Have you been to the movies recently?
- How do you feel about me?
- Are you free to meet up?
- Are you seeing anyone?
The last question on its own doesn’t mean much. But when it’s combined with nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and the desire to get back together, it could be your ex’s way of ensuring a quick and safe reconciliation process. Your ex could say it right before he or she asks for another chance.
Before this happens though, your ex could:
- talk about the good times from the past
- apologize and take accountability for his or her mistakes
- show growth or try to show growth
- express gratitude and make your feelings heard and your time valued
The conversation will progress naturally and give your ex a chance to reconnect with you.
4)The recommitment/experimental stage
If your ex asks for another chance, your ex will recommit to you and feel motivated to work on the relationship with you. He or she will be interested in you as much or more than before (when you first started dating) and develop expectations of you. That’s because your ex will want to spend time with you, talk about important relationship topics, make relationship goals, and do what it takes to ease your doubts and fears of breaking up.
Your ex will be careful about his or her words and actions due to the fear of disappointing, hurting, angering, and failing to impress you. Your ex will understand that your loss of interest and investment would be traumatic for his or her emotional well-being and safety. So to prepare for the worst, your ex will put you on a pedestal and treat you with care, patience, and affection.
Your ex will be charmed by you and want the relationship to develop.
Your job as a dumpee is to take things slow. Instead of jumping head-first into the relationship, take your ex back on a trial period. Tell your ex you’re open to reconciliation, but that you want to see some changes first. This is the time for you to remind your ex you’re sticking to the boundaries you’ve set during no contact and the initiation phase when your ex reached out and tested the waters.
If you instantly take your ex back (especially an ex who betrayed you and/or treated you poorly during and after the breakup), your ex could lose the drive to connect with you and stop working on him/herself and the relationship. In simple terms, your ex could lose interest and leave again.
You want to reduce the chance of another breakup by making your ex work harder, not easier. Your ex must see that reconciliation is the beginning of the relationship and that he or she has a lot more work to do. Not only does your ex have to show his or her relationship skills and changes in thinking, but your ex must also do it long enough for you to lower your guard and feel that you can trust your ex.
A regretful dumper will remain committed to making things work with you whereas an uncommitted one will soon take you for granted again and leave you when he or she gets everything he or she needs from you.
My advice is to let your ex know that complete reconciliation will take time and that he or she must earn your trust and commitment back. It could take weeks, months, or even longer. No matter how long it takes, your ex must return your stolen power and let you decide when you’re ready to be official.
5)The restoration stage
The last stage of reconnecting with an ex is the restoration phase. This phase occurs when couples get over the things that happened before, during, and after the breakup. When they forgive each other, move forward with their lives, and act like the breakup never happened, they restore the relationship to its mint condition and stop fearing another breakup.
They can finally say they overcame the difficulties of the breakup and found healthy solutions to work together.
It takes a lot of time and effort to leave the past behind. Many couples need tons of healthy communication and therapy. They need a professional to guide them through the reconciliation process and encourage them to express themselves openly.
If you get to the restoration stage of reconnecting with an ex, you’ve both done well (put in a lot of work). You’ve learned that relationships require constant investment and that you should communicate better the next time you experience problems and difficult emotions. Running away is not an option. Not when the relationship is healthy and the breakup preventable.
You can leave when someone is resentful and unwilling to cooperate and reconnect.
So there you have it. These are the 5 stages of reconnecting with an ex. If you enjoyed reading this post, share your thoughts below the post. We’d love to hear your opinion.
And if you want to confide in us about the breakup, book a coaching session with us. We’ll answer your burning questions, make you feel better, and devise a healthy reconciliation and self-improvement plan.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
