Updated on November 12, 2025
Whether you left your ex or your ex left you, you’re probably in quite a bit of pain, thinking about whether you should tell your ex how much they hurt you. You feel tempted to reach out to your ex and inform your ex of the times before, during, or after the breakup when your ex overstepped your boundaries and hurt your feelings.
You can’t just forget the past and get over it, so you want your ex to listen to your story, sympathize, and apologize. That would validate your feelings, give you closure, and allow you to move on.
Before you tell your ex how his or her behavior made you feel, you need to understand that it’s generally a bad idea to reach out, especially to “complain” about your hurt feelings. I know you’re hurt and want answers, support, and acknowledgement, but reaching out to an ex with the intention to get something from your ex is considered unhealthy post-breakup behavior, a mistake if you will.
People who reach out to talk about their lackings, pain, and unhappiness look weak in the dumper’s eyes, pin the blame on the dumper, and encourage their ex to do the same. They tell their ex it’s both his or her fault and responsibility to help them feel understood, calm, and happy.
If you left your ex and contemplate telling your ex how much they hurt you, know that there’s no point in doing that. The breakup is difficult for both of you, especially your dumpee ex. Dumpees suffer immensely due to rejection and disconnection, blame themselves for the breakup, and want their ex to talk to them and validate them.
If you tell them how much they hurt you, you’ll hurt them even more and urge them to respond similarly. Most dumpees won’t just listen to you telling them they made mistakes and weren’t deserving of your love and commitment. Due to their broken ego and self-esteem, they’ll fight back and try to make themselves feel powerful and in control.
That’s why telling dumpees they hurt you is pointless. If you can’t change your tone and take at least partial responsibility for the issues that led to the breakup, it’s better to keep your feelings to yourself. Share them with someone who won’t get hurt by them.
The same goes for telling dumpers that they hurt you. Dumpers feel tired and victimized by their ex, so the last thing they expect to hear is that they did something wrong that hurt their ex. When dumpees express pain and disappointment, dumpers often feel guilt-tripped and forced to talk to dumpees longer than they’d like. Because they feel pressured to converse, they also feel trapped and want nothing more than to stop talking and focus on themselves.
The truth is, most dumpers feel relieved and don’t want to take accountability. Even though they know they hurt their ex badly, they don’t want to converse with their ex and admit to making a mistake. They want to keep their distance from their ex and act as if they never dated/hurt their ex. By pretending their ex doesn’t exist, they attempt to hide the past (things they’re not proud of) and stay focused on the present moment.
The present moment is all that matters to them because it lets them think and feel positively.
So if you’re wondering if you should tell your ex that they hurt you, the simple answer is you shouldn’t. Your ex doesn’t need to know what you think and how you feel. If your ex learns that you’re thinking poorly of yourself and that you’re in lots of pain, the best you can expect is that he or she will feel sorry for you. And “sorry” won’t guarantee an apology or reconciliation.
Many dumpers seek to forgive themselves without actually apologizing and making things better for their ex. Oftentimes, they reach out and try to figure out what their ex has been up to. Their ex’s response tells them whether their ex is doing okay and is ready to chat/be friends.
To apologize, your ex needs to be mature and feel compassion and concern. And to reconcile, your ex must be done with the new (post-breakup) life and feel regret, fear, and emotional pain. Don’t expect your ex to apologize or come crawling back just because you’re going through a difficult time.
Many dumpers don’t care about their exes’ post-breakup experiences and emotions. Such things don’t concern them because they’ve put themselves first and care only about their own emotions, persona, and conscience. Their own life matters significantly more than their ex’s, so they seldom give their ex closure, support, or love.
When they give such things, it’s because they’ve been through a (difficult) breakup before and/or learned to care about people they don’t romantically invest in anymore.
Anyway, you shouldn’t tell your ex how much he or she has hurt you. Not only does your ex not want to hear it, but your ex also finds you responsible for the breakup. Your ex most likely believes that the pain you’re feeling is self-inflicted or deserved.
Either way, it’s not a good thing because it allows your ex to distance him/herself and avoid taking responsibility. Of course, there’s always a chance your ex will apologize if you talk nicely to him/her, but since there’s only a chance, it’s not worth the risk.
It’s better to seek empathy and support from people who actually care about your feelings and don’t want you to suffer. Friends and family don’t just want you not to suffer, but they’re also willing to help you get the answers you need and encourage you to wean off your ex.
In this post, we’ll discuss whether you should tell your ex they hurt you with their words, actions, or inactions.
Should you tell your ex how much they hurt you?
The simple answer is no. You shouldn’t tell your ex how hurt you feel because of the breakup. You shouldn’t do it, whether your ex got bored, took you for granted, cheated on you, left you for someone else, or ghosted you. Regardless of why and how your ex left you, telling your ex that he or she has hurt you severely won’t make a difference.
This is especially true if your ex isn’t very mature, understanding, and compassionate. People who lack understanding or care for others’ problems and emotions don’t respond well to dumpees’ pain and expectations. They tend to feel blamed, take things personally, and respond in ways typical of their personality.
If their personality is defensive, they justify their actions or shift the blame. And if it’s avoidant, they distance themselves even more to escape discomfort. Only secure, mature, and forgiving (non-resentful) individuals understand that their ex isn’t pinning the blame on them and expecting them to do the work for them.
Such dumpers usually invite their ex to reach out if he or she has questions and needs support.
From my experience, not a lot of dumpers do that. Many dumpers feel too relieved and elated and are too preoccupied with their own life to spend their energy and time on an ex from the past. They’d rather enjoy their lives than worry about their ex’s post-breakup problems.
Of course, there are exceptions. Some exes, typically those who detached some time before the breakup, broke up amicably, developed care for people, or learned the importance of treating exes with care, fairness, and respect, help their ex cope with the breakup. Dumpers like that know what it’s like to be in the dumpee’s shoes and care about their public persona and karma.
If you don’t know how your ex will respond, you shouldn’t tell your ex how much they hurt you and what you expect from your ex to get over the past. Your ex probably won’t like seeing you stuck in the past, waiting for him or her to free you from it. If your ex is like most people, your ex will tell you his or her side of the story and cause more problems than he or she will solve.
Your ex will make you question your decision to reach out and carry on without you.
I say this because I talk to dumpees all the time and see that most of them regret reaching out and asking their ex to explain things or get back together. Most dumpees learn the hard way that their ex doesn’t care about them (especially romantically) and that they should have stayed in no contact and minded their own business.
Because they doubted no contact and thought their ex still cared about them, they took their chances and saw a side of their ex they didn’t recognize. That side of their ex was cold, detached, and uninterested, showing them that the person they had strong feelings for no longer existed.
Despite it being a bad experience, it was a wake-up call that they needed to leave their ex alone and focus on themselves. They learned that their ex was no longer their go-to person and that they needed to find other ways to heal from the breakup.
That’s the lesson I want you to learn today. I don’t want you to learn it by contacting your ex and seeing how your ex thinks and feels about you. You don’t need to learn the hard way if you understand that the consequences of breaking the no contact rule and overwhelming your ex with questions and pain aren’t worth the small chance of seeing your ex care and/or apologize.
So whatever you do, don’t try to make your ex care about you. You probably want to see your ex care more than anything, but don’t try to do that by reaching out, asking for clarification, and expressing pain. If your ex wants to help, your ex will do so of his or her own accord.
That’s because your ex will feel guilty and feel a strong urge to assuage his or her guilty conscience. You should stay committed to no contact and wait for your ex to contact you first. When that happens, you’ll clearly see whether your ex understands and cares about your pain.
Having said that, here’s why you shouldn’t tell your ex how much he or she hurt you.
What should you do when your ex hurts you?
First of all, it’s extremely important not to retaliate and hurt your ex back. As mean, rude, or vengeful as your ex was, you should never adopt an eye-for-an-eye mentality with your ex and turn the breakup into a competition over who can hurt the other more.
99% of the time, the dumper recovers before the dumpee. He or she has no separation anxiety, abandonment pain, or self-esteem problems to work through. The dumper can just focus on enjoying his or her post-breakup life without you and leave the suffering to you.
If you try to get over the breakup quicker than your ex, you’ll fail and perhaps even stay depressed or angry with your ex.
That’s why you should understand that dumpees need time to recover from breakups and that they recover as quickly as possible when they take the high road. They get over their ex because they stop comparing themselves to the person who lost interest and hurt them.
In other words, they stop obsessing and learn to let go of the past.
If your ex hurt you by breaking up with you and/or saying or doing mean and uncaring things, you need to distance yourself from your ex (go no contact) and stop checking up on your ex. Ask your friends and family not to update you on your ex and immediately find ways to process pain and distract yourself.
You can process pain by journaling and signing up for therapy, and distracting yourself by engaging in meaningful hobbies and activities. Your ex will stop haunting you when you consistently take an interest in things that keep your mind off your ex.
It won’t be easy to do that at first, but it will gradually get better. Eventually, you’ll go days without thinking about your ex and wanting your ex to know how much he or she hurt you.
Mark my words, the day will come when you look back and wonder why you worried so much about what your ex thought, felt, and did. And when that day comes, you’ll realize that your peace of mind was always worth more than your ex’s approval.
Did your ex hurt you and make you want to tell him/her that? What did your ex do to cause you pain? Share your breakup experience in the comments below.
And lastly, if you want to chat with us about your ex’s hurtful behavior, feel free to do so by subscribing to private coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
