It’s a huge mistake to believe that the no contact rule entails falling off the face of Earth and leaving no physical trace behind.
If that’s what no contact was about, then the no contact rule would be impossible to do when you have kids.
Fortunately, this self-imposed rule is not about disappearing completely and erasing your existence. It’s about giving your ex space after the breakup so that he or she can deal with his or her emotions.
No contact rule with kids involved
One of the very few instances when no contact shouldn’t be performed to its extremity is when you have a child.
As a general rule of no contact, it’s of vital importance to always ensure the health and safety of others.
This means that if there are kids involved, the no contact rule has to be done in moderation to the point where you always prioritize that which truly matters.
In your case, you must give your child your utmost support and dedication and always do what it takes to guarantee his or her happiness.
As the father or the mother of your child, your responsibility as a parent is to put your child’s needs first and the no contact rule second.
There are no exceptions.
No contact is unpredictable. Sometimes you might find yourself in situations where you must initiate or maintain contact with your ex-partner even if you think it might not be in your best personal interest.
In such cases, remind yourself that it must be done for the sake of your child, and get it over with.
If your partner is a mature individual, he or she will understand that you’re contacting him or her about the kid/s.
Can the no contact rule work with kids?
The effectiveness of the no contact rule with kids is as high as no contact under any other condition.
For the no contact to work, you must first believe it works and stick with it indefinitely. As you may already know, the no contact rule is not for the weak-willed.
If you ever start to doubt its effectiveness, you should re-read the fundamentals and learn about the principles and effects of this rule.
On the other hand, if you’re already familiar with how it works, then you’re already one step closer to victory.
Now, you might be wondering if the no contact rule can work with kids when you still live with your partner. If you are, allow me to say that it can and it will one way or another.
You will either get another chance with your ex or you will get someone better. Simple, right?
I know it may be too early to consider other options right now, but let’s just consider that option as a backup plan for now. Nobody knows what the future will bring.
The no contact rule works
Before you go all-in with this rule, you must first become aware of one of the most important principles of life. That principle is control.
As a human being, you only have so much control over somebody’s life or more specifically, over your ex’s perception of you.
Please remember that you can only control what is in your power to control – yourself.
You may have a child together with your partner, but this doesn’t mean that you should try to force him or her to be with you for the sake of the child.
If you resort to such underhand tactics, you could end up destroying what’s left of your relationship with your ex.
When you find yourself struggling to communicate efficiently with your partner in a healthy manner, master the 9 upcoming tips.
Remember them before, during and after every interaction with your ex.
The no contact rule with kids works when you:
- give your ex-partner enough time to get relieved of his or her post-breakup emotions
- when you communicate with your ex, show a genuine interest in the children
- allow your partner to roam freely
- show no resentment toward your partner
- keep the kids out of your interpersonal troubles
- don’t talk to him or her about the breakup or your intentions of following the no contact rule—especially when kids are involved
- remember that you can’t force your ex to do what he or she doesn’t want to do. This includes taking care of the kid while you’re in no contact
- don’t try to force or manipulate your ex into looking after the child
- focus on you and the child
The no contact rule with kids is just as effective as when there no are kids involved. The key to pulling it off successfully is by allocating your attention to where it needs to be.
You can put your attention on your ex-partner and criticize him or her about neglecting your children or you can focus strongly on yourself and the kids.
If you choose the latter option, everyone will be happy—including your ex.
The two given behaviors manifest completely opposite results. It’s a no-brainer that annoying your ex further is an awful idea.
He or she already feels like running for the mountains. You don’t want your ex to run even further.
No contact but have a child together
Instead of harassing your ex, become a super mom or super dad and do what’s right for your kids.
If your ex is communicating with you, talk solely about the kids and reach out only when you absolutely need to.
For example, if you can’t pick up your kid from kindergarten, communicate with your ex in a calm and friendly manner.
You can say, “Hi John. I have to work late today. Do you think you could do me a favor pick up Jason later at 4?”
Keep it simple and respectful. If your ex agrees to pick up your child, thank him. And if your ex refuses, thank him anyway.
After the interaction with your ex, it’s time to go no contact again.
ALWAYS be the bigger person!
If you’re in no contact but you have a child together with your ex, it’s important to stay true to your core values.
If something seems wrong, immoral or manipulative, remember that it’s a horrible idea.
Ignoring your ex’s text messages is a great example of this thesis. The moment you show an ugly side to him or her, your ex is likely going to reciprocate your actions.
Cause and effect.
In the self-help book, Lead the Field, Earl Nightingale states that the results we achieve—whether in business or personal life, are in direct proportion to our efforts.
This implies that if you act in accordance with low moral standards and values, your ex will react to your actions and return much of the same.
Soon, you will find yourself on the battlefield with the person whom you’re trying to increase your trust with.
So if you’re in no contact with a child and your ex refuses to accept your occasional requests, try to control your demeanor.
This is probably the most important factor to consider when you’re following a no contact regimen.
No contact with kids is challenging
No contact with kids doesn’t have to be as hard as people make it seem. Under the condition that you try your absolute best to be as amazing a person as you possibly can, you have nothing to worry about.
If you truly—and I mean truly become self-aware of your thoughts and actions, nobody will stand between your goals.
By focusing on your kids, no contact will become much easier. It won’t even be difficult when you realize your ambitions as a respectful parent.
No contact rule with kids can be difficult when you live together with your partner and have trouble avoiding conflicts.
If you keep getting involved in conflicts with your ex, you must force yourself to stop fighting immediately. The more you argue, the more you lower your long-term chances of reconciliation.
Arguments are incredibly destructive in relationships while in breakups, they are the worst thing you can wish for.
Engaging in battle with your ex after the breakup will manifest very bad results. To prevent this from occurring in the first place, you can do so by avoiding it altogether.
Take a few steps back and become conscious of your thought patterns that cause disagreements.
Furthermore, develop a good attitude and be consistent with it. It’s one of the few ways to prove a long-lasting post-breakup change.
Everything else will fall in place when you develop a “think before you act” attitude.
If you have unrealistic expectations of your ex-partner after the breakup and you have kids together, learn to give your ground—even if you’re 100% convinced you’re right.
You will make your ex happy as well as yourself. And as you know, when a parent is happy, the kids are given a healthy environment to live in. It’s a win-win for everyone. But for that to actually happen, you must lower your ego.
As Dale Carnegie, an American writer says, the best way to win an argument is to avoid one.
If you’re in no contact but have kids and live together, here are 5 invaluable tips:
- Don’t criticize, condemn, judge, nag or demand
- Allow your ex to express himself/herself
- Enable your ex to go where and when he/she wants
- Give honest appreciation
- Treat him or her how you want to be treated
You might have noticed that these tips can be applied to marriages and relationships as well. It’s because being the best version of yourself is the universal rule to attracting the best possible results.
Getting over an ex when you have a child
Your ex has probably hurt you badly by leaving you stranded with a child. He or she has thought long and hard before coming to the conclusion that leaving you was the best thing to do.
Since he or she has made this decision, you must respect it and accept it. The quicker you do, the sooner you can begin to move on.
Getting over an ex when you have a child can be tough. You have your own life to live and your child to take care of on top of the breakup pain.
Abruptly, your marital status changed from being in a relationship to single. Due to your unfortunate situation, you must now figure out how to put your life back on track.
“Luckily,” no contact is your solution when you have a child with your ex. It’s the best and only way to move on and leave your past in the past.
By going no contact, you can give your child the attention he or she craves and yourself the possibility to move on.
Getting over an ex when you have kids will take time so don’t expect overnight results.
As we have previously discussed, no contact comes in 3 painful stages which you will have to get through in order to be happy with yourself again.
Don’t expect any quick results as there is no such thing. There is only the hard way which no contact makes slightly easier on you.
So if you want to get over an ex-partner and you wish to give the world to your child, go no contact and stay there for as long as it takes.
Your situation can only get better from this point onward.
How to get your ex back when you have a child together?
Getting back together with your ex means that he or she gets you back and not the other way around.
Your ex needs to open the doors to his or her heart again. For this to happen, you must let time do its work.
Whilst this simple, yet prominent factor is doing its magic, you need to focus on yourself. If you do, your chances of getting back together are going to be as high as they possibly can.
Now, by focusing on yourself, I don’t mean you grab a bucket of popcorn and spend your days in front of the TV.
What I mean by working on yourself is that you should take your brain under the microscope and inspect yourself in perfect detail.
Find out:
- why you say and do certain things
- how you react to people and circumstances
- how you can improve your behavior and patterns
- why your shortcomings need to be resolved
- how you can take action today
This is only the beginning. There’s no end to things you can work on. But it starts today. Not tomorrow or when you get paid. It’s now!
If you’re ever going to make a long-lasting change, it’s now or never. But for you to actually change, you need to put in the conscious effort. It can take up to 66 days to break a pattern or to make a new habit so don’t expect to cut corners.
Getting back together with an ex when you have a child together is not about instilling guilt or by trapping to your ex.
It’s really quite the opposite and most people seem to get it the other way around.
Getting back together with your ex the right way
Acceptance, freedom, responsibility, determination, and respect are just a few basic factors of getting your ex back with no contact when you have kids.
If we take the law of attraction concept and blend it with the no contact rule, we get a perfect formula for attracting an ex back.
To attract your ex back with law of attraction, you must:
- accept that the worst has already happened
- be “okay” with your present situation as it is
- become happy with yourself and your kids
These three conditions provide personal happiness and guarantee the highest results with your ex.
It goes without saying that only when you are the happiest with your own life are you able to give your ex what he or she truly wants.
What does your ex want, you ask? It’s happiness.
Do this right from the start and your chances of reconciliation are going to be as high as they can be.
I sincerely wish you the very best of luck!
Are you following the no contact rule with kids involved or are you thinking of doing so? Comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
i have been cheated upon in a very immature way this a year ago, i was left alone with my son throughout Christmas and New year Eve while she supposedly worked through holidays as a nail artist.
Then it became obvious she wanted to party one her own, when i confronted her on my return early January she wanted a divorce.
I did not handle well initially after 24 years together … but when a few days later i discovered on my own her affair since that December i knew what to do.
All divorce settlements were final by May and i am proud i cleared things early on.
Especially when tonight i had this strangest experience during my no contact with her for months … single exception only for kid matters.
She was covid positive and supposedly at home while i am having my week with the kid and bound to return in a day … and she was still positive.
I offered to keep the kid more but she wanted to test herself tomorrow …
then she accidentally (?) sent me an Android distress SMS tonight with her GPS location at a party lol
so i did ask her in a common chat we keep with her folks:
which stands ? is she covid positive and partying while we wait for her results …. or she is not even positive but tries to extend her freedom days ? just out of curiosity i asked.
To me Zan it became obvious in the early beginning there is no possibility of being in the same room for long, let alone reconciliation.
I would like to follow you advice and be the better man but all i see is me trying to be mature and a responsible father while she has other priorities. Kid is not neglected but still i do not know how to translate some events like parking it at a friend of hers to go to a concert and me finding it by my son.
or this covid stunt now that has me puzzled, sad and laughing with the SMS same time.
I am trying to balance now and decide what to do next: if i get the kid on my own for extra days this could cause issues
if i return this to her on time she could be positive or i do not know.
What i want to add here is this: once trust is broken in the marriage is it VERY VERY hard to find after marriage with the same person. Especially with a monkey brancher
Hi Nick.
You were lied to and cheated on—and certainly didn’t deserve any of it. Your ex had lost respect for you as well as herself, so she threw her morals away and did what was best for her emotional well-being. Despite what she did, you shouldn’t let her bring you down to her level. Consider this a test of will and try to ignore the need to communicate with her. Talk to her only about your kid.
Once trust is broken, it’s very hard to rebuild. This is especially true when the dumper monkey branches and treats you badly.
Hang in there, Nick!
Zan
My ex-fiancé’s teen son (not my child) reached out via text after 6 mths of NC (ex had cut me off & blocked me). It was nice to hear from him, but it complicated things. I tried to let his dad (my ex) know he’d made contact to see if it was ok, but he ignored me. I knew the poor kid had been upset about the breakup & he said he missed me. We texted a bit & a day or so later, he texted saying his father didn’t want us connected (& he took his son’s phone & blocked my number). The episode left me sad & stunned & stirred some complex & painful emotions. Wonder how he’s felt without a way to process. Seems cruel & I don’t understand, but it’s out of my hands.
Hi Dumpee.
Your ex doesn’t have a good coping mechanism, so he pushes people away. This is his way of protecting himself from feeling pressured and annoyed. You should watch his behavior intently and use what you see to see he wasn’t the right person for you. Someone who does this feels extremely victimized and lacks respect for those he hurts.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi, Zan. I’ve read a lot and it’s been helping. Thank you.
I tried to find anything related to my situation. And I did some and some I didn’t.
We were in a relationship a little over a year. He lived in my apartment for 5 months. We were a normal couple. We never argued. I did see some things I didn’t like in him, but I was accepting it. He was a great help for me. Treated me very well. I could feel I’m on some kind of a pedestal. Which felt weird in the beginning and truly appreciated later on when we got really close .
He found new friends about the same time I got pregnant. And we were happy. First ultrasound he was proud and holded my hand.
Same time he switched his focus on his new friends. Expensive gifts for them. Hired them to work for his little company. Was fixing them cars. Buying furniture for them pregnant daughter (“who’s husband is a jerk”).
That’s when I started to see something is wrong.
From me being treated like a queen he began to treat like that his new friends.
I talked to him once, and said that his attention should be on me and my pregnancy. He tried to fix it but it looked fake at this point.
He kept helping them with them issues. Driving and hour to get the stuff they need. And abandoned me and everything we had. He tried to show me he cares. But I saw he isn’t.
I talked to him again and said he need to choose them or me, because they ruining our relationship. He denied it all and said, he won’t leave them or me
Next day I came home to an empty apartment.
No explanation was made. He took everything he owed. Even his tea.
I was miserable and messaged to him 2 days later that I’m going to make abortion, which I did set appointment for. I asked him to take me there and help me to pay for it. Which I got a response in 4 hours that he will take me if no one else can. He broke me completely with his reaction. I begged to come home, talk and not to let it happen. Which he didn’t reply back. Next day he stopped by my work while I wasn’t there (I own my business) and got the rest of his stuff. He also took my pregnancy vitamins away, because he thought I don’t need them anymore. He didn’t throw them away, which makes me believe, he was going to give them away to someone else. I realized he completely doesn’t care. And “work” for someone else’s well being right now, just like he used to be everything for me. He always brought me everything I needed.
He got back to me the night before planned abortion and ask what time should he pick me up and how long the procedure lasts. Which killed the last pieces of hope in me, knowing he doesn’t need this child and wants nothing to do with me. I said, I found a ride and thanked him
I canceled the abortion after a confirmation from him he doesn’t care. I love this child already and can not kill it, just because my life have changed.
Analyzing him and his behavior, I realized that it’s his normal behavior to run with first problem and put people on pedestal. He ran from 2 other women in a similar manner, erasing them completely from his life.
He doesn’t see his 2 kids from first marriage because he is still mad on his wife for cheating him. It’s been 4 years after divorce.he loves his kids though.
My question is, have you ever deal with stories like that? I need some clarity and I’m trying to forgive him for leaving me like that. With my 13 yo son, who was raised just by me. Our unborn child. With all of the bills I have to pay and working 7 days a week now. He left without saying anything. He choose them over me. And completely erased me
Hi Bella.
I’ve heard similar stories before. The guy treated you like a queen only while the relationship was new and exciting. When things got old, he stopped caring and would show you his true personality. He showed he didn’t have his priorities straight (was more interested in hanging out with friends) and got cold feet. Due to a loss of feelings, he became cold and turned into someone you didn’t know.
The best thing you can do is leave him alone. He doesn’t deserve you because his attention is elsewhere.
Kind regards,
Zan
I had just go thru a divorce. Immediately she had a bf that he dream for. Instead, they start 2 month before divorce and i didnt aware until she bring up. Is my problem to neglect her for my work and my own personnel hobby. (also didnt quit smoke while promise her 10 year ago ) They went fast and within half month after divorce, they had already done the adultery and admit. Intention is to tell me ” you should leave me ”
We had 2 young kid, 4 and 6 yrs. Next year going to Primary1 and we both agree to maintain the house as per normal without letting the kid know and remain happy family every weekend. Problem now is i cannot heal and move on, we still until same house , different room. I cannot except she having happy moment with her bf and went out to his place. I try to ignore everything but i can see, feel, and know what going on.
I want to try no contact but dont know how to do under same house. We see each other everyday. We had much to discuss for the kid for going to Primary 1. When we are together talking only kid stuff, we are just normal but when she left and going to her bf place and texting message, hide at toilet talk phone, all those small movement is actually affecting me.
I’m in the process of quit smoke too but i cant even control and become chain smoker now. Cant eat and sleep properly. Infront of kid, act nothing happen. Night time alone thinking why and even tear as a men that should not be tear.
For this 1 month, i feel is very long. I had change alot to keep her attention but she choose him. She said that he is the man that he looking for and love him so much even need to pay $ for his love.
When weekend, she can extreme normal , acting like family, no feeling of pain and sad. Even feed me fun fried that shock me.
I go jogging , busy with work but i cant move on if continue. I also dont want to move out because my kid will officially become broken family. I’m chinese which seeing family as a whole. I rewind back why my family become like this, is my fault.
I want to fix this. I want my ex back. I know she committed adultery. I accepted because is my fault to make her move on, i want my family and kid become normal. I willing to changes everything to be better man. Is that too late to win her back ?
Hi Aaron.
Do the no contact with kids involved. It will take some getting used to, but eventually, you’ll stop paying attention to your ex and worry more about yourself. Try to stay as busy as you can. Go out, spend time with friends, sign up for therapy if you need to. Just don’t stay in the house and wait for your ex to return.
Stay strong!
Zan
What about step children? My wife and I have been married for a little over a year. She has two daughters. She is from Ukraine and applied for the spousal sponsorship just after our marriage. Right after we were married, I spend the first four months with her in Ukraine due to the travel restrictions. Then she alone returned to Canada with me and spent 2 months to visit. Her two children remained with their grandmother at this time. My wife then returned to Ukraine for about 3 months. Then, she returned to me in Canada with both children and we lived together as a family for four months. After my wife had to return to Ukraine (she was still only allowed to stay as a visitor at this point), she let me know that she didn’t want to continue the marriage. Her and I had some difficulty, particularly with her older daughter who had a difficult time adjusting to Canadian life.
Now, I have begun no-contact. I didn’t tell me my wife I would be doing this…but after about a month of my wife telling me she doesn’t really want to continue, I decided that begging wasn’t working. We have not spoken for three days now. (We usually speak twice a day/every day). My wife’s Permanent Residence will come through by August so this situation is time-sensitive. If there is any chance that I can save my marriage, I need to do it by then. Otherwise, I need to cancel the sponsorship.
But my wife’s oldest daughters’ birthday is next week. Should I break no contact with my wife to wish her daughter a happy birthday? Although her oldest daughter and I never got too close, I still care about her. Would it be a good gesture to contact my wife to wish her daughter a happy birthday? Or would my wife see it as an excuse for me to message her?
Any advice,
Stevan
Hi Stevan.
Don’t worry that breaking NC will cause harm. As long as you contact her just to wish her daughter a happy birthday, it shouldn’t make things worse. Make it concise and respectful and go back to NC after.
Stevan, if your wife has decided to go back for her daughter’s sake, you won’t be able to convince her with or without no contact. This is because the problem isn’t with you but with her daughter.
Stay strong,
Zan
Hi Aaron here
Right me and my ex split up up 6 months ago to which we got back together 2 weeks ago I pushed for the old relationship, too which has only pushed her away again. We talked last night and it ended up with them horrible words I don’t want nore love you anymore. So today I’m starting the no contact rule I see my little boy every too weekend but im going to have to speak to her but as it goes I’ve now got a journal and im writing down every time we talk but as it goes for texts social media etc there’s nothing will this work im trying to better my self after reading this my main aim is to focus on my child and forget her is this the right way? please help!!!
It’s been 3 weeks since I moved out. The ex said she wanted space. I took it as she was done. Told her if I left I wasn’t coming back. Realized once I left that I had made a mistake in what I said. I’m not done. I do want her back. I love her. We have a 5 year old together. And have been together for over 6. It’s tough because on our sons birthday just a week ago I found shes been talking to another guy. A rebound I suppose. I was hurt. Eventually I realized we weren’t together and that she could do whatever she pleases. I cannot do anything over what I cannot control. I’ve went through all stages of grief and am coming out on the backside a little better each day. Ive made the mistakes, but am going to try no contact except pertaining to our child and see what happens. All I can do now is work on myself and work on being a better father. I hope she comes back. On the time will tell.
Hey Devin, similar boat here. Any update on how things are going between you guys?
Hi my wife left me a month ago for a guy she had a affair with. We were together for 18years. 6 years engaged and 12 years married. We have 3 kids together and is now staying with me. Thing is I still love her. And I know we can still fix this. She contacts me every day to speak to the kids. And thentolso asking me how I’m doing. I know I had some faults in our relationship like I was clinging and insecure. But since she left me I did some homework on why this happened and I’m improving myself to be the best version of myself. To be not that clinging and to be more secure. An to be the man she really wants. She told me she doesn’t love me anymore and she is now happy with the new guy. This is only because I made some mistakes in my life and not realising it till it was to late. We were very happy in most of our relationship. It’s basically only the last year or so. Work stress and the passing of my mother had a great impact on how I treated my wife the last year I was so unseinse and when things went wrong I usalusu put up a fight with her. I now know I was at fault. How can I fix this?
Sorry for the typos. Unseinse = unsecured
Usalusu = usually
Hi Antoni.
Begin by working on yourself. You are the person who matters the most, so fix yourself and allow your ex the freedom she wants. If she wants to talk to you about the relationship, she will do so on her own.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
Thanks for your reply.
Sice she left me I went back to find the source of the problem. We both had. problems. On my side I was mostly unsecured and in some way tried to control her. Not that I meant to be a bad person, I just felt like I should protect her . Yes if realized my mistakes and I’ve been working on them ever since to become a better version of myself. I haven’t done it just because of her. I’ve done it for myself and my kids and my future. I’m totally focus on not being the person I neglect to become. I used to be this person when we met. But over time I got relaxed in the marriage. And always thought we would never separate. This was truly a wake-up call for me. And I’ve realized that it cost me my other half.
Antoni, I’m going through the same situation my wife and I have been together for 20 years married for 16 she left me about a month ago and I’m taking it pretty hard. We do have two kids and like you, she’s with somebody else she said she’s no longer in love with me and is in love with this other person I am still trying to figure out what’s up and what’s down. Like you I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong and I am working on myself trying to keep my mind busy in my body busy, she still talks to me mostly just about the kids I find it hard to look over on her side of the bed and see no one there but everybody says it’s going to get easier and I guess only time will tell? So like me brother stay strong and eventually there will be light at the end of this tunnel.
My partner left me 3 weeks ago as she found old photos 250+ from when we wasn’t together on my phone, she asked me to leave the house and take my stuff what I have done, she tells me it’s over but in the next breath says knows I haven’t cheated or she wouldn’t talk to me, she misses messaging me and still say ow me and Ted did that together to people, we have a 6months old baby together, and I desperately want to get back together to be a family I see my baby twice a week and get stuff for supplies for the baby when needed. trying to keep messages just about seeing the baby and how’s the baby has been, is there anything else I could do to try and make her see the photos meant nothing to me and I never stopped her going on my phone as had nothing to hide
Many thanks
Ted
He left after we had an argument about how he goes out two nights a week and either he doesn’t come home until noon the next day or he gets home really late passed midnight.. I have no problem with him going out my problem is that he goes out for hours he doesn’t spend time with me or our 5 kids.. And when he is home he is on the phone most of the time I know he has been talking to women from facebook and texting them even when he is suppose to be working.. But he doesn’t have time for me or our kids..
Why would anyone want to get back together with a parent that is clearly selfish? Giving them space to figure out their emotions, while not taking equal responsibility for their child is enabling them to be entitled and self absorbed. Anyone that treats the mother or father of their children with such low regard, is clearly emotionally immature and needs help beyond no contact. Yes, go no contact and better yourself to meet someone that respects and values you and your child.
Hi Zan,
Due to depression over the loss of her grandmother, plus a possible emotional affair, my wife left me last March. She came back that August, and life felt great…until she discovered her father had liver cancer (she never met him until she 17 and has never resolved this within herself).
Compounding this, we could not celebrate Valentine’s day this year, or our 15year anniversary as my mother could never look after the kids (her partner is battling heart fsilure). I couldn’t even attend the birth of our 9 month old baby due to this.
Money was a battle as I was the only wage, as my wife was not entitled to maternity allowance.
We spoke less, I never pressed her for intimacy, emotionally or physically.
Last month she had one night stand with a co-worker. 5 days later she left me again, and has now moved out (I did not find out about her infidelity until after she announced our separation and, yes, I reacted very badly by saying really horrible things to her – I wish I hadn’t).
I do not initiate contact.
We did spend xmas day together, and today (a day for the kids).
She is happy with her decision. I am not. She is in the early dumper stages.
I want her as my wife. She still, to others, refers to me as her husband, though neither of us wear our rings.
My question is how much contact should there be? She contacts me by text, sometimes by phone/in person every day near enough. It is always about the kids and I feel obliged to respond.
I am taking the time to work on myself by joining walking groups and writing groups. I have new clothes. I self-reflect often. But looking after 4 kids every other weeks feels to impede my process (plus my wife drives and so I must see her every day when she collects the kids to take them to school).
Am I doing this right? Or am I really ruining my chances?
Any help and advice would be most appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Brother, get a grip. She fuc** everyone else except u. One night stands and u want her back? You must respect yourself. Forget this woman.
U r such a horrible selfish asshole. She should leave u for every. And you deserved yr karma
Thanks Paula for comment, though I’m not sure why you are calling me the selfish asshole. It was my wife that constantly cheated on me, while I did nothing but try and support her.
yes, very stupid response from Paula.
Also, it is possible to forgive a one night stand.
Hi I have been broke up 3weeks now I cheated on my ex with her cousin, what I can only call a moment of madness perhaps led on while intoxicated. We were due to marry in 8 month I’ve crushed our dreams for nothing. She says we will never ever be a family again but I love her so much I cant see a way back. We have 2 young children together i find no contact so hard as i have moved in with family and cant have my children stay overnight as i have no space for them so on days i have them i have to be out all day or have to have them in my old home where i left and she goes out for the day till we pass and i leave. I cant help but think most of her family are having a lot of negitave input on what I’ve done to her and breaking apart their family also by cheating with the cousin. Please any advice i want to put things right
Hi Dave.
Start by correcting your shortcomings. As for your ex, she will need a lot of time to forgive you. Maybe she never will so be prepared for that.
You can’t, unfortunately, convince her to give you another try. It has to be her idea. So try to show her in a confident matter that you’re still the best for her.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi zan thanks for your reply. So how do I fix my short comings? Another thing we are now 4weeks into the break up and with each day she is hot or cold towards me and has me coming doing odd jobs in house am I doing right or wrong by following her say? So are you saying I should now never ask her for a 2nd chance and wait for her to say it? I asked her a few days back if we could go for coffee on neutral ground her reply was yes but I dont no when that will be for child care situation and dont build your Hope’s up she said. My mind just keeps pressing her every word or text. Thanks
Hi Dave.
Pestering her to get together with you is going to put too much pressure on her. I suggest you just focus on having fun for now. And if she begins to like you weeks or months later, she will want to bond with you.
So in the meantime, be patient and do some research on how you can self-improve.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks zan I have now discovered that she is on a dating site it hurts so bad and I want to confront her why would she do this if we were due to marry in 6month is it an ego boost for her because I cheated?
I have been split for 3 months or just over now from the mother of my two kids after 11 year relationship it’s been difficult and still is I never initiate contact unless I really have to rearrange a collection time etc. I get the impression my ex is now seeing someone else Infact I’m quite certain she is and I’m just awaiting the day its announced to the world via social media. She chose the breakup it wasn’t what I wanted she cited being unhappy for years as the reason but constantly told me I was her best friend and she loved our relationship often so it was really out of the blue for me. She had suffered from depression and post traumatic stress disorder and I’m half convinced it was an act of mania. She seems free as a bird currently and seems to be enjoying her life to the fullest almost like the 1st couple of stages of the Dumper’s process guess what I’m wondering will she have to eventually process the break up and go through the grief stages and regret?? She didn’t seem to do that initially Infact she seems to have been absolutely fine the whole time!
Look forward to the reply
Kind regards
Hi Nick.
She will still have to go through the dumper stages. It’s only natural for her to process the breakup.
Stay in no contact so that you don’t get hurt if she starts dating someone else.
Best regards,
Zan