When your ex texts you, “Thinking of you,” your ex wants to communicate with you and get some kind of reaction from you. Usually, your ex wants to see that you forgive him/her for hurting you and that you’re coping well with the breakup.
A reassuring reaction from you allows your dumper ex to ease post-breakup guilt and not stress about talking to others and dating them. It helps the dumper move on with a clear conscience and start a new chapter of his or her life.
The reach-out is about your ex making sure you’re healing well and that you have what you need to keep healing. It’s another way of saying that he/she has your back and that you’ll be okay no matter what.
So if your ex texted you “thinking of you,” “I miss you,” “I hope you’re okay,” or anything along those lines, bear in mind that your ex wants to give you something to receive something. Your ex wants to confide in you and get things off his or her chest so your ex can deal with some unwanted thoughts or emotions.
If your ex feels bad for hurting you, your ex wants to see that you’ve dealt with pain and that you’re moving on.
If your ex got dumped or if something bad happened to your ex, your ex wants you to know that he or she is thinking about you. This allows your ex to receive validation and emotional support when he or she needs it the most.
And if your ex is lonely or bored, your ex wants you to know you still occupy his or her mind and that your ex values you as a friend.
Regardless of why your ex texted you “thinking of you,” you should know that mere thinking doesn’t indicate regret and a desire to reconnect. It doesn’t show that your ex has discerned your worth and that your ex wants you back.
To want you back, your ex would have to develop romantic cravings and expectations. Without a desire for love, thoughts about you are just thoughts. They’re empty as they don’t encourage reconciliation.
You need to keep in mind that many exes reach out because they realize they went too far and that they should have been kinder to their ex during or after the breakup. Because they feel bad, they reach out to feel their ex out, say nice things, make their ex appreciate them, and make themselves feel better.
Little do they know that by saying sweet things, they give their ex hope and make it harder for their ex to let go.
Dumpees, on the other hand, don’t give compliments because they feel guilty. They compliment their ex with the expectation of receiving compliments back. Dumpees feel starved of attention and affection, so they hope that their ex would think about them and feel the same way about them.
If their ex doesn’t respond the way they want him/her to, they get rejected again and suffer immensely as a result.
In this post, we discuss what it means if your ex texted you “thinking of you.”
My ex texted me thinking of you
If your ex texted you that he or she is thinking of you, your ex wants you to know that he or she hasn’t forgotten about you.
The reason your ex wants to send that message across is that your ex likes you as a person and wants you not to blame yourself.
If you were to blame yourself and your ex found out about it, your ex would have a harder time accepting his/her behavior and the way it affected you.
Therefore, your ex texted you that he/she was thinking of you because your ex didn’t want you to suffer and think that you have no support or care from him or her. Your ex wanted to be a responsible person who checked up on you and absolved himself or herself of guilt in the process.
What you probably want to know is what made your ex think of you.
This could be anything, really. Usually, it’s completely random things, such as:
- places you frequented together
- music/movies you associate with each other
- anniversaries
- inside jokes
- friends asking about you
- dreams/nightmares
- and anything that hurt your ex, reminded your ex of you, and triggered curiosity and/or guilt
Something must have inspired or forced your ex to reach out to you and engage in conversation with you. Figure out what that was so you don’t get your hopes up and assume your ex wants to apologize and reconcile.
Although some exes use this line as an excuse to come back, the majority don’t. Most dumpers choose a more assertive approach. One that clearly and directly expresses a desire to reconnect and get back together.
So don’t think that an ex wants you back the moment he or she thinks of you and contacts you. It’s much more likely that your ex just wants to talk to you and learn what you’ve been up to. When your ex does that, your ex will probably not think of you and feel nostalgic for a while.
Your ex will focus on more important people and things.
With that said, here are some possible explanations for why your ex reached out and said he or she was thinking of you
If your ex is thinking of you and reaching out, your ex probably doesn’t despise you. On the contrary, he or she respects you and is okay with speaking with you. Your ex isn’t afraid that you’ll try to change his or her mind about the breakup and guilt-trip him or her.
If your ex felt unsafe or pressured, your ex wouldn’t have contacted you. He or she definitely wouldn’t have said that you were on his or her mind and that he or she wants you to be aware of it.
Dumpers who intensely dislike their ex don’t say things like that. They just stay away from their ex and enjoy their space and freedom. Freedom makes them feel in control of their post-breakup life and allows them to prioritize their emotions, needs, and desire.
When an ex messages you to tell you that he thinks about you, your ex basically wants reassurance. Reassurance not that you still love him and want him back, but that you’re okay emotionally and mentally and that you have the ability and willpower to recover from the breakup.
Your ex could also check up on you (admit to thinking of you) when you have something important going on. When you have an exam, a medical checkup, an accident, an interview, or something that matters a lot to you, your ex could send you breadcrumbs and make you feel more confused and anxious than before.
Many dumpers don’t understand that their reach-outs give dumpees hope and anxiety and that they make them overanalyze things.
What to do when your ex admits to thinking of you?
An ex thinks of you for a reason. If that reason has nothing to do with you (if it’s about your ex’s pain, misery, curiosity, guilt, or boredom), you shouldn’t entertain it. You should instead look for ways to end or minimize your ex’s unnecessary messages and allow yourself to heal.
A great way to stop your ex from breadcrumbing you is to just be honest with your ex. Tell your ex that you’re not ready to communicate and that you’d appreciate space until you’ve processed things and reached out to your ex.
Your ex must understand that you won’t tolerate meaningless reach-outs and that you won’t let the current reach-out dissuade you from focusing on yourself and moving on.
If your ex understands that, your ex will leave you alone and let you move on without making you feel confused and cared for romantically.
It probably feels tempting to continue letting your ex tell you things you want to hear, but try not to cave into temptations. Temptations to talk to your ex need to be avoided rather than acted upon.
If you can do that, you’ll keep healing and getting over your ex. You’ll essentially avoid unnecessary emotional setbacks and allow yourself to put the breakup behind you in the quickest time possible. You may want your ex back very badly, but what you want even more than that is to stop hurting.
You want to feel secure, calm, and anxiety-free.
If you stick to the rules of no contact and handle your ex’s crumbs appropriately, rest assured that you’ll soon get yourself back. You’ll recover to the point where your ex’s absence stops bothering you and allows you to once again prioritize your life.
So for now, try not to extract hope from your ex’s messages. Instead of letting them make you anxious, avoid them by telling your ex to stop sending them. You want to make sure your ex understands that you need to heal and that failure to comply with your requests will leave you with no choice but to block your ex out of your life by force.
Your dumper ex should know that you’re not friends or friends with benefits. You’re exes who couldn’t make the relationship work and need to separate from each other completely. You can’t stay in touch and compliment each other just because you still respect each other and/or have feelings for each other.
The breakup should be the end of the friendship (at least for a while). By creating some physical and emotional distance, you can avoid saying or hearing things that give you unnecessary hope and worry. You just need to be brave and let your ex know that you’ll be getting some space.
If you tolerate your ex’s “Thinking of you” texts and just wait for them to end, you could indirectly encourage your ex to keep telling you nice things. You could essentially show that you’re okay with sweet talk and that you still want your ex to be with you.
And that could put your ex off and lower your ex’s respect and curiosity for you.
If you don’t want your ex back, you probably don’t care about that. But if you’re still trying to get your ex back, you probably want to make a good impression on your ex and reconcile as soon as possible. You want your ex to think about you, contact you, and ask for forgiveness.
In that case, politely ask for space and focus on things that make you happy.
Does your ex keep texting you that he or she is thinking of you? How do your ex’s breadcrumbs make you feel? Let us know in the comments below.
However, if you still don’t know what to do and want our help with your breakup, sign up for coaching with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I just came across this blog. I just relocated to the west coast to start a new chapter, job promotion and focus on myself. My ex girlfriend randomly texts how are you? (I took her my contacts but the number was familiar). I didn’t ignore the message but wasn’t going to get into a conversation with her. I told her I was good and yourself and she said she was doing great. She just so happened to pass by where I use to live and she thought of me. I haven’t responded, nor do I want to, yet I feel compel to respond respectfully then move on.
Hi Ernesto.
You did well. Make sure she can’t breadcrumb you in the future. If you just respond, she’ll keep looking for excuses to reach out.
Sincerely,
Zan
I broke up with my ex because I found out about that he lied about a few things. I felt I couldn’t trust him anymore and it was really tough.
We met at our hotel job and started dating once his work visa expired. We were together for 7 months before he had to leave to his home country. I ended up leaving the U.S. to go with him to France for a few months. The time we spent together was amazing and I got to meet all of his family and travel together. By the end of my trip he had a job in Switzerland and a apartment so I was relieved.
After I left we did long distance for 6 months straight. We texted and called often but not everyday. Deep down I struggled to find things to do because I missed him so much and it felt like time was going so slow. His work schedule was terrible and because of the time difference we had a hard time communicating. There were times when I would question if I was doing the right thing by staying in the relationship. He managed to reassure me that being together was all he thought about and that once we were together again everything will be better. I found myself feeling doubtful and worried if he was meeting other people or becoming interested with other women. But tried to brush it off.
He got a paid vacation and came to my house in the U.S. for two weeks. We visited his family here and had dinner with them a few times. I found out he texted a girl he used to work with a few months prior to coming to Miami with the dates that he would be visiting and it made me very upset. He told me it was a coworker from our old hotel and that was all but he never mentioned he had a girlfriend so I found that very odd. I told him I didn’t like it at all but he said I’m the only one he wants to spend his time with. We got over that and things kind of went back to normal.
After two more months of long distance again and I went to visit him in Switzerland for a while and everything was great. I found out that he lied about his intentions with the girl he texted about meeting up in Miami and I lost it. I felt really disappointed and I said it was over right on the spot out of anger. We talked an hour later about once we had cooled down and he was telling me how he wanted to make our relationship work and that he was willing to do anything to fix it.
Initially I had forgiven him because he was talking about our best times together and told me that he wanted a future with me with thoughts about getting an apartment and having a family one day. It was all I ever wanted to hear and part of me wanted to believe he was ready to make those changes. We cried together a few times those first days. He continued going to work but it was hard because I lost motivation to go out after finding those things out eventually I ended things.
I left about a week later and we kept in touch. I told him I got home safely and he was telling me how he couldn’t sleep and he was feeling empty and heartbroken I left. I cried a little on the plane but I was actually relieved when I got home. Part of me had hope that we work out in the future after some time apart. I needed to leave because it was not a good environment and I really needed space/time to process things. The text messages he sent me were heartfelt and I replied in kind manner as well. Thanking him for everything and wishing him the best. A week later we had a conversation where we said that he was thinking about me and he was hurting so much looking at our pictures. He told me he loved me and it made hopeful for a possible reconciliation. However the convo ended terribly because he said he felt we did the right thing and he accepted our breakup and I got so mad at him because it was only a few days after I left. He blocked me and the pain hit me so bad. I apologized after a few days and we left it on a better note. Went back to no contact.
About two weeks later, he texted me at 12am on the dot (which is 6am for him) to wish me a happy birthday despite being in No contact and told me he wished things were different and is still thinking about me no matter what. He wished me and my family well.
I just thanked him for the bday wishes. However, the message left me confused and questioning things. Why say all of that if we agreed to not contact each other. Was it necessary to say he wished things were different? And is it possible he’d want to fix things or is he just breadcrumbing me?
I didn’t realize I typed so much but I need some thoughts..
Hi Jane.
It looks like he knows that breaking up is the right thing to do but he’s having a hard time separating from you. He feels nostalgic all of a sudden and wants to stay in touch. He probably doesn’t want to reconcile as he said he wished things were different. This lines means “I wish the circumstances were different but I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore.”
If he changes his mind, he’ll contact you. But do know that the relationship will need tons of work.
Best regards,
Zan
We were in a very loving relationship for six years. I am his first boyfriend and relationship that he was open and felt himself. We were working together. We supported each other and made career in our company. I had a dog and a cat and my boyfriend felt like they prisoned us. Somehow it was true coz I was not able to stay at his house or go to vacation or a weekend runaway easily and he was complaining about it although he entered my life knowing this!
We were spending our time at my home by cuddling, watching movies, etc. Last April my dog passed away and I was grieving but on the other hand I felt relieved coz we could live the relationship we wanted to. My boyfriend was looking for better paying job opportunity and he got it.
We were so happy about his new job but I was seeing him distanced. We had three days off and I stayed at his home then we came to my home the third day. He again complaint that he doesn’t wanna sit at home all day. I suggested at least 4 options that we could do but he came up with silly excuses and we ended up sitting at home. At night he went back to his home. Something bothered me and I went to famous dating app and there he was using his name.
I felt terrible and asked him if he ever uses dating app. He said I am sorry I used out of boredom but deleted it few days ago. But he was online when he said this. I sent screenshot and we broke up over the text.
After 3 days I felt terrible and called him crying to get back but he said it’s the correct decision and he was thinking to break up for 3 months. We had no contact for 10 days and we started to talk again. We met face to face and spent an amazing dinner at a nice place holding hands all night.
He went to Switzerland for business and talked to me all week. We were sending hearts and stilled called each other “my boy” as we used to before the break up.
All those days I was suffering and lost 12 kg. Then his birthday came and I texted him suggested to celebrate together but he didn’t want. He said we should celebrate at my company’s beach party.
We met at the party. Hugged really tight. Somehow conversation led to our texts and he said he doesn’t think he wants a relationship with me and we wouldn’t get back together.
I told him that that he didn’t enter my life as a friend and he cannot stay as one. For the first time I saw him upset. Because we both don’t have friends. Especially him! He said not even hi, how are you? I said none!
During the party we were very cold even though I tried to engage. A colleague drove him to his home. We hugged really tight.he has told me that he would be at his home town during August. I said we will collect our personal things once he back. He said ok and we said good bye.
It was 16th day if no contact and he texted me “ hii, how are you? It’s been long time we haven’t talked” I replied him after 4 hours saying Hi. I am good and I hope everything is fine with you.
He texted me next morning ; everything goes fine so far. I am at my home town and will stay here until the second week of September. I said. Nice. Enjoy your time!
Today is the 5th day of no contact since he broke it. I miss him so much. I know he texted because he was bored and has no one to talk.
I am reading your articles everyday to be able to move on but all I think of his him and when we will get back together.
I started gym and going everyday. I asked my manager that I wanna work from the office to be with people.
Friends and family are supporting me but it’s just so difficult. I am writing to blog as if I am texting him our usual messages such as good morning my boy. I miss you so much. I will go to gym in a while, etc.
I also see psychologist from day one of the break up.
After 6 years it’s just so hard to accept that we are not together. The reasons he gave to break up are so easy to fix but I think they were just excuses and he just wants excitement and explore new things coz I was seeing signs of it for the past 3-4 months.
I am sure he would text me again soon. Or we will eventually talk coz I still have his keys and he has mine. Although we broke up and in week first I asked him to collect his things, he never wanted it he said he was not ready for it.
Do you believe we might get back together? I love him so much! I don’t even know how I should reply if he texts again.
Thank you so much for this site. You are helping me a lot.
Hi Tony.
I know you’re looking for hope and want to reconcile fast. But do keep in mind that he’d been detaching for the past few months and that he won’t come back any time soon. If he does come back, it will likely be due to loneliness. And that’s typically not the greatest reason for reconciliation and loneliness is temporary.
I suggest you focus on therapy and journaling so you can process the breakup and get yourself back. When you’re healed, you’ll start eating, sleeping, and focusing properly and will be okay with things as they are.
Kind regards,
Zan
I wouldn’t ignore the message. But I certainly wouldn’t engage in a pleasant back and forth. I guess I’d ask why they were thinking of me. If the response was clearly an attempt to make my ex feel better about herself I’d simply say that I have no interest in becoming email or text friends and I’d leave it at that
I completely agree with you, Doug. You have to be polite and protect your heart at the same time.
Best,
Zan