My Ex Still Talks To Me But Doesn’t Want To Come Back

My ex still talks to me but doesn't want to come back

When an ex still talks to you but doesn’t come back, your ex isn’t ready to let go of you yet. I don’t mean that your ex can’t let go of you romantically because that already happened but that your ex wants you as a friend or someone your ex has a history with.

He or she wants to keep you around for a while or perhaps even permanently as doing so helps your ex get something or prevents him/her from feeling something.

It could be that your ex gets relationship benefits such as advice, support, money, and recognition or gets rid of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and other unwanted feelings and thoughts.

Whatever the reason for talking to you may be, it’s’ evident your ex isn’t talking to you to one day come back.

Dumpers don’t string their exes along so they can maybe just maybe get back together one day. They tend to focus on things they can get and the way they feel in the present moment.

How they feel or don’t feel is more important to them than securing a spot in a romantic relationship in which the future is uncertain. That’s why they completely stop thinking about working things out with their ex and focus on their wants and needs outside of the relationship.

Such things make them feel good whereas relationship obligations and expectations smother them and make them want to run away.

So if your ex still talks to you but doesn’t want to come back, bear in mind that your ex wants the best of both worlds right now. He or she wants your attention, care, forgiveness, and benefits that can enhance his or her life.

Your ex desires a responsibility-free life and doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends or occasional friends. Your ex just wants what your ex wants, which is to feel free, independent, and fulfilled.

The breakup brings a sense of relief and creates space for new opportunities.

It gives your ex just enough space to enjoy life without compromising his or her freedom and everything the breakup allows him or her to feel and do.

Because of a newly discovered sense of freedom, your ex has no intention of viewing you any differently and changing his or her mind about the breakup.

Your ex just wants to talk to you when it’s convenient and beneficial and not talk to you (focus on his/her life) when there’s nothing else to discuss. That tells you your ex has no romantic expectations of you and sees you purely as an ex-partner or a friend.

Most dumpers who talk to their exes don’t see their ex’s romantic worth because they only like their ex’s non-relationship traits and qualities. They like their ex’s company, support, caring nature, or wisdom, and the comfort or stability their ex provides to them.

Romantically, they’ve given up on their ex and don’t see the desire or need to do anything about it. Love is gone and so is their determination to invest in the person they’ve given up on.

Sometimes dumpers feel bad for destroying their ex’s relationship plans and wish they were more empathetic during or after the breakup, but sadly, guilt doesn’t reignite lost romantic feelings and cravings.

It only makes dumpers say and do things that help them ease their guilt.

Such dumpers want to know they aren’t bad people and that it’s morally acceptable to let go of their ex and move on with their lives. That explains why they often stop talking to their ex as soon as their ex demonstrates he or she has no ill feelings towards them. 

They just want to focus on themselves and the things they need to be happy.

In this article, we’ll talk about why your ex still talks to you but doesn’t want to come back. We’ll also give you some valuable tips on what to do when an ex strings you along and doesn’t commit no matter how hard you try.

My ex still talks to me but doesn't want to come back

Why does my ex still talk to me but doesn’t come back?

Dumpers talk to their ex but don’t come back for various reasons. One of them is guilt as the thought of hurting their ex and destroying their ex’s self-esteem, ambitions, plans, and goals weighs on their conscience and makes them want forgiveness.

They can get forgiveness by apologizing and hearing their ex say “It’s okay, I forgive you” or simply by testing the waters and seeing their ex composed. Most dumpers can indirectly assuage their guilt just by talking to their ex and asking a bunch of unimportant questions.

Another reason why dumpers keep talking to the person they left even though they don’t want to come back is that they like how the breakup feels. They enjoy the space the breakup provides and the minimum effort they’re required to put into talking to their ex.

They haven’t had so much freedom in a long time, so they talk to their ex only when they want to or need to.

They want to talk to their ex when they want advice and a familiar face to spend time with and need to when they feel guilty, sad, anxious, unwanted, and self-doubtful.

Talking to their ex helps them have their cake and eat it too as it allows them to feel emotionally fulfilled at their ex’s expense. While their ex is hurting and wondering why things aren’t progressing, they’re thinking why they waited so long to initiate the breakup.

If they had left earlier, they would have experienced a sense of freedom and empowerment earlier.

Unfortunately, many dumpers, lack breakup knowledge and the understanding of their ex’s emotions. They don’t know their ex wants to reconcile more than anything and that talking to their ex gives their ex tons of hope and anxiety.

That’s why many dumpers continue to breadcrumb, confuse, and depress their ex for ages by making it seem like they still like their ex and want to get back together. They’re too self-focused to put themselves in their ex’s shoes and realize they’re their ex’s worst nightmare.

Some dumpers even think their ex owes them friendship and demand that their ex gives it to them. They tell their ex they’re friends with their other exes and that it’s perfectly reasonable to downgrade from relationship to friendship.

Because they’re set on getting what they want, they methodically manipulate their anxious ex into thinking their ex is being selfish and unreasonable when in reality, they’re the selfish and unreasonable ones.

They’re the ones who expect their ex to ignore his or her anxiety, pain, depression, and cravings for validation and love—and give them what they want.

These expectations destroy dumpees from within as they start to think it may be possible to “win their ex back by befriending their ex” and showing him or her they’re capable of growing and being the person their ex wanted them to be.

What dumpees don’t know, though, is that dumpers don’t care about their growth and ability to change and that they’ve developed negative perceptions of them that restrict them from redeveloping romantic feelings.

Therefore, dumpers talk to their ex and don’t come back because they like talking and despise committing (at least to their ex). They just want the positive feelings and niceties they get from their ex.

As long as they see their ex as someone they can benefit from for free, they see no reason to commit or stop interacting. They feel they’re in a safe and comfortable spot between a relationship and friendship.

Your ex could also be talking to you and avoiding getting back with you because he or she is bored and lacks people to talk to. He or she may be used to conversing with you and may want things to stay that way for now.

So if you keep asking yourself, “Why does my ex still talk to me but doesn’t come back,” know that it’s got nothing to do with you. Sure, your ex appreciates you as a person, but the real reason your ex talks to you is that your ex is used to talking to you and feels comfortable.

You’re probably not saying or doing anything (or much) to disrespect, anger, pressure, and force your ex to push you away. Or if you are doing it, your ex is still patient and is doing his or her best not to hurt you more than he or she already has.

Having said that, here’s why your ex still talks to you but doesn’t come back.

Why my ex still talks to me but doesn't want to come back

If your ex still talks to you but doesn’t come back, you should know that your ex won’t magically regret dumping you. Something major will have to transpire before your ex reflects and understands why the relationship failed and what he or she needs to work on.

If you wait for your ex to have a light-bulb moment, you could wait a very long time. You could settle for friendship and watch your ex move on with other people, and talk about them too.

If you’re not ready for that, you should focus on the reasons why your ex keeps talking to you but refuses to commit. Make sure you understand them so you know your ex isn’t waiting this long because your ex is working on trusting you and falling back in love with you.

Instead of holding on to hope and telling yourself things that aren’t true, convince yourself your ex is focusing on himself/herself and trying to be happy without you. That may not seem productive at first, but it will make perfect sense when you make more emotional progress and realize you like how you think about your ex and how you feel about yourself.

Also, keep in mind that dumpers take their exes back when they’re not happy with themselves and/or the lives they’ve created after the breakup. They don’t come back just because they realize their ex is a good person.

Many good people get dumped, but not all good people reconcile as reconciliations need things to go wrong on the dumpers’ end.

What to do if my ex still talks to me but doesn’t come back?

As a dumpee, you need to put yourself first just like your ex does. You need to realize that your ex hasn’t come back so far because your ex didn’t want to come back. Your ex has been enjoying post-breakup freedom and relief and can’t come back with conversations alone.

If reconciliations were that easy, dumpees would just call their ex once or twice a day and wait for their ex to fall back in love with them. They’d essentially talk their way back into a relationship by making their ex forget the bad times and focus on the good ones.

Some fake breakup experts may try to convince you that this is how people get their exes back, but that’s a load of baloney. Most reconciliations don’t happen that way because dumpers need time to themselves to stop thinking their new life is better than the life they had when they were with their ex.

And they can do that only through serious self-reflection caused by something bad, difficult, and/or painful.

Something like a romantic rejection that destroys their confidence and self-esteem.

Always remember that dumpers need a powerful incentive to reconcile. One that tells them they messed up badly and that they need to fix things with their ex if they want to be happy.

Just like you want your ex back because you’re anxious, scared, and unhappy, your ex must want you back for the same reasons. He or she must see you’re strong, confident, ambitious, positive, and willing to move on with your life.

If you’re not willing to move on and show that your happiness depends on your ex’s love for you, you’re toast because your ex will feel guilt-tripped and pressured into being with you. And as you may know, pressure isn’t the kind of emotion your ex should experience.

It’s something you should prevent your ex from feeling by going no contact and letting your ex go.

When you do, your ex’s respect for you will increase. And so will your respect for yourself as you’ll finally allow yourself to detach, detox, and see things clearly.

So if you became an official or unofficial friend of your ex and you’re not happy that you’re at a standstill with your ex, try a different approach. Pull away from your ex and learn to love yourself without your ex’s validation.

Self-love is what you’re lacking, so figure out a way to be self-reliant and emotionally independent. You’ll see there’s more to life than chasing exes’ validation.

Don’t feel bad about starting no contact. If talking to your ex makes you want more of your ex’s attention, affection, and love—and gives you false hope that prevents you from moving on and dating other people, you must do what’s best for you, not your ex.

You must distance yourself from your ex physically and disconnect emotionally. A complete separation will slowly return your strength, feelings of worth, energy, ambitions, and purpose in life.

The sooner you tell your ex you need space, the better impression you’ll make on your ex and the quicker you’ll get yourself back.

So don’t worry about what your ex will think and feel. Worry about yourself and how you can get the most out of life.

That’s not selfish. It’s self-respectful. Ask any dumpee who stayed friends with the dumper and he or she will tell you what a waste of time and energy it was to stay friends with an ex. That person will tell you that life gets much better when you decide to let go of control and do things that are in your power to control.

Does your ex still talk to you but doesn’t want to come back? What does your ex normally talk about? Let us know in the comments below.

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7 thoughts on “My Ex Still Talks To Me But Doesn’t Want To Come Back”

  1. I haven’t spoken to my ex for quite some time. I made it clear I wasn’t ready to chat or be friends. He seemed to think that was a little childish. I find that amusing as I know how that would have gone. If he wanted my advice or support (things he found quite valuable) he’d reach out for them. And if I wanted the same he probably wouldn’t even read a message I sent…. and I’d almost certainly hear about how needy and clingy I apparently am. (weirdly, reality doesn’t align with that view)

    But something has changed recently. Not with him. With his friends. I’ve had a few of them get in touch with me to tell me he’s really struggling. Ironically it’s taken them 8 months to realize that not only was I never the problem, I was his biggest source of support. Poor things… they don’t seem to like taking up the slack that I left.

    The thing is though…. I’d kill for another chance at our relationship. There were many good things about it and I really miss him. I’ve moved on in my life. I’ve focussed on my mental health . I’m not the broken person I was. I’ve tried to stop loving him. I really have. I’ve got angry. I’ve made lists of all the things he stuffed up. But it doesn’t make any difference. I still love him. So when I think of that, and all the many things he did right, I’m finding that I’m actually crossing my fingers that with all his friends reaching out to me he might do the same sometime soon.

    I didn’t cave and contact him though. I couldn’t think of any way of doing that without ending up being there as his support with absolutely no commitment from him. That would put me in a worse position than I was in before we broke up. So what I did instead was contact a friend of his and tell him that I’ve had people reaching out and saying that he’s struggling. This guy is someone who can ask him uncomfortable questions and get answers, so he seemed like the best man for the job.

    I feel like I’m on the home stretch now. And at the same time I’m kicking myself and reminding me not to get complacent. Not to assume. Not to assume anything at all actually. I tend to assume that he still loves me…. but I have no actual evidence of that. I’m just on tenterhooks right now, and have been ever since his friends contacted me.

    1. Hi Rosita.

      Struggling or not, he hasn’t changed his mind about you, nor asked you for help. You must stay away from him no matter how badly you want to help him. Remember that he broke up with you and that he doesn’t want nor deserve your help. You can help him as a friend or a romantic partner. Right now, you’re neither. Keep it that way so he doesn’t assume your help comes for free.

      You’ll stop loving him, Rosita. And when you do, you’ll feel relieved and happy. Be patient with your healing process and everything will work out in the end.🙏

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  2. My ex wanted to talk with me time to time whenever he waned! But thank you Zan for talking with me and telling me that that’s wrong as dumpee.

    So he talked with me but didnt wanted to come back, so def my ex wanted the best of both worlds, but super happy that I cut that.
    Now im so happy that im keeling and moving on with my life 🩵

    1. Hi Linda.

      Some dumpers don’t understand what they’re doing or don’t care about it. Their exes have no choice but to tell them they’re not ready to be texting buddies.

      I’m glad you did what was best for you!

      Zan

  3. My ex hasn’t reached out for almost 3 months and neither will I, I can’t allow myself to reach out.
    I don’t know if she will ever reach out or not.
    But if she hypotheticly would reach out and offer friendship I am as of now split between two options

    1. I tell her, Okey, we can be friends. And then just ignore her or tell her I am busy and can’t talk/hang out.

    2. I know the parts we both played that made the relationship not work and led to the breakup. However, I tried and wanted to make it amicable and I wanted to be on good terms with her. But the fact that I got ignored after, I got replaced a week after the breakup, possibly even emotionally cheated on during the relationship (I have no idea what she and the new guy talked/wrote about those late nights when she stayed up late, during our relationship)
    And when I found out she said she would help me but then ignored me.
    For someone that gave of the vibe and talked alot about how romanticly developed she was and how important verbal communication was to her, she didn’t really demonstrate it post breakup. And this is something she could do to someone she had known for 4 years before we got in our 7 month long relationship and she told me she loved me.
    She was so easily prepared to replace that with someone she had known some months or a year over text/voice chat.
    So my second option is to call her out on that and tell her I don’t want that kind of person in my life.

    But then again, there is no reason for me to think about this now, it’s a future problem that might not even occur.

    1. Don’t get me wrong though, I do miss her and I miss us. I wished none of this happend.
      But at the same time, I see from my side why the relationship had to end and what I was meant to learn from my misstakes in it.

    2. Hi Gordon.

      Considering everything she did to you, I don’t think that offering friendship would be a wise thing to do. She could get the wrong idea and think you actually want to talk. This would allow her to text/call you and use you to forgive herself for what she did.

      I suppose you’ll decide what to do when she actually reaches out. There’s no point in making plans now because your thoughts could change by the time you hear from her. If I were you, I’d focus on her branching so as not to consider being friends with her when/if she contacts you.

      Best wishes,
      Zan

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