What if your ex is also doing no contact? If you’ve been dumped and are hoping to hear from your ex, then I may have the answers for you.
First, I’d like to point out that your ex is definitely doing no contact.
But unfortunately, it’s not the same kind of no contact you are currently following (hopefully you are in one.)
Here are the differences between the dumper’s and dumpee’s no contact.
Dumpee’s no contact
When you’ve been dumped, you aren’t left with a lot of options. You know the relationship has come to an end, therefore you must begin to heal and move on with your life.
What no contact does for you, is allow your wounds to heal from rejection and abandonment and allow you to grow immensely.
The no contact for the dumpee is a method of finding happiness in himself without his significant other.
During this time, the dumpee will normally assess what went wrong and work on his shortcomings. He will improve himself to prevent the same thing from happening again in the next relationship.
Often, dumpees completely re-evaluate their past mistakes and regain the old identity prior to the relationship. They strive to become the best version of themselves and eventually reach the state of happiness where they are no longer dependent on their ex.
In a nutshell, the dumpee is doing everything he can to push his life forward and live an independent, ex-free life.
Dumper’s no contact
While the dumpee is crying his eyeballs out, the dumper is feeling a sense of relief. Dumpers’ stages of a breakup are completely inverted to what the dumpees go through.
Since dumpers are glad their relationship has come to an end, they demand the distance from dumpees.
They often indulge in new activities and temporarily become unrecognizable to fellow dumpees as they seem to be on cloud 9.
Dumpees will see their exes partying and living their life to the fullest as if the breakup had no effect on them whatsoever.
This is where the huge gap between the former lovers appears. As the dumpee is growing as a person beyond belief, the dumper is doing absolutely nothing to better himself.
He often follows the notion that the dumpee is to be blamed for the demise of the relationship, and refuses to acknowledge his mistakes (at least at first). Sometimes it takes a new lover or a lot of time to pass by for the dumper to realize he wasn’t so perfect either.
Breaking the no contact rule because you’re in pain
It’s possible your dumper has inadvertently or perhaps deliberately pointed out to you that you are not “good enough” and breached the terms of the contract of the relationship. Because it was your ex who wanted space from you, it’s common sense that he must be the one to come knocking on your doors if he ever changes his mind.
If your ex truly wants you back, he won’t just remain in no contact indefinitely. Trust me. A person who regrets breaking up with you will swim oceans and cross deserts to get back with you.
Sometimes couples find themselves in a post-breakup war, where they compete who “moves on” first. Even if you believe your ex is the most stubborn person on the planet, he will eventually break under the pressure of you moving on.
He will begin to ponder whether you found someone else and if he can no longer get you back. That’s when your ex will nonchalantly reach out to you, asking about that pencil he forgot at your place a year and a half ago.
To reiterate, your ex is simply not reaching out to you, because he is not interested at the moment. It doesn’t mean that he never will be.
But unfortunately, his actions are showing you he is not interested right now, so you have no choice but to get over your breakup.
But what if your ex is also doing no contact and truly expects you, the dumpee to reach out? In a rare case scenario where the dumper is trying to make the dumpee reach out first, you should stay in no contact no matter what.
This person is playing the power game by exercising the push-pull technique.
Trust me when I say this. You don’t want to be with a person who, especially after a breakup (already holds all the power) and expects you to reach out first.
You would be handing over the remaining pieces of your dignity. In this case, your ex will eventually break the no contact, reach out first and try to extort more power from you by force. Instead, save face, stay silent, and see what happens in the future.
I hope this article has helped you find out whether your ex is also doing no contact and recognize the differences between dumpers’ and dumpees’ no contact.
Please share your thoughts in the comments section.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
This article may cover a part of dumper/Dumpee NC . I’d like to cover my version in a nutshell . As a dumper, I’m not on cloud9. I thought of the break up for years , gave many chances , look for ways to nurture love etc. I was left to pay the bills all by myself for 5 plus years, abuse in various forms from him and his family, while I paying all the bills and drive a used car, he has two cars he’s paying for one for himself and the other for his adult brother to drive (32 years old) to drive . Believe me, breaking up is a difficult decision.
While I initiated the break up, I believe he did the break up. If a man wants to make something work he will . Why not be respectful to your partner , contribute and sharing expenses , prioritize the relationship and show respect for each other .
He’s doing NC as the “Dumpee” and I’m doing NC as a way of moving on. We are in week three , I see no proper apology or changes and I take that as I sign he stayed this long because life was comfortable for him in my care . Dumpees aren’t innocent as we make them to be . Many times dumpees caused themselves to be broken up with.
Hi Manda.
Dumpees aren’t always innocent, we know that. But neither are dumpers as they tend not to communicate problems very well. They’re often both somewhat at fault and responsible for relationship problems and resolving difficulties.
Breaking up with him must have been difficult, but then again, you must have felt a bit relieved when you finally pulled the trigger. If you didn’t, you probably still felt somewhat attached to him and thought that you had no choice but to force yourself to leave.
Thanks for sharing, Manda.
Sincerely,
Zan
Oh, but while he turned off the chat and didn’t flirt anymore or tried to send any form of text, he started liking all of my social media posts (pictures of me and other stuff). As soon as I posted things: he liked or loved. I began doing the same. He was trying to send some kind of message, right? Maybe “I want us to act normal”? But at the same time, closing the communication.
I’m devastated, but tired of games. I pursued this guy since the beginning. Then he chased me, but in the end…I was not enough to make him come to me. To make him really want me.
My ex broke up by puling away. I called him out and told him that I knew he was breaking up and I was feeling like an idiot by keep reaching out. He liked that I did the breakup for him and said “it’s not you, it’s me”.
I backed off immediately.
We work together and we have a good relationship, we never fought (though I was going through some stresses at work and at home), so we kept seeing each other for 2 months and, not exactly right away, but a week or so later, we acted friendly around each other and laughed and even exchanged some happy friendly emails.
He went through the relief stage and I could see him over posting on social media, always happy.
Then he may have been through the guilt stage and I saw him posting things about us, indirectly, but I’m so sure it was. “I had to let her go” and things like that.
Other than work related issues, I never contacted him.
After those 2 months, we were not going to see each other for another month, so I went completely silent.
I even turned off my online status, because I felt stupid being online but alone and miserable.
After a week, he started to reach out and even flirt. But never said I miss you, I want you…just flirt.
I replied in the same way, but left the texts right away, because…that would be going back to what he broke up with.
After a while…he stopped contacting me in any way shape or form. AND turned off his status too, because he knew I was doing that.
I kept NC for another 2 weeks in agonizing pain.
I broke it up out today sending him a very happy friendly congratulations text for something I knew was happening in his life.
After 40 minutes he replied like a friend, but using the same blow kiss emoji I used.
I later had to send him an email work related, he replied almost right away (I know he’s at a family gathering yet he was attentive to reply fast).
Crickets.
CRICKETS
No contact backfired.
I will keep short and sweet, if more info is needed, i will oblige. Me and my wife split for the 2nd time in Nov. By Jan she started a relationship. I know she isnt over me fully, because the few times she has popped up to talk, she puts moves on me. Then she feels bad and guilty because she is in a new relationship. She keeps me away because she says im her “crack” and wants to get over me. She does NC fully EXCEPT when she comes to see me out of the blue about every 2 to 3 weeks. The latest encounter was Feb 12. NC since. I dont want her to get over me. What does this mean? What do i do? I know she is trying so hard to move on
Hi! I have been reading all of your Magnet of Success pages and it has really helped me.
I have been seeing a man child for about 2 and a half years and we are both going no contact.
I am the most stubborn person on the face of the planet and I will NEVER contact him after what he did to me and I mean NEVER!
We were pretty serious and saw each other once a week (he lives 75 miles away) and things were ok. He travels a lot and NOT for work, he goes on cruises all the time and I cannot go because I am a responsible adult and work 2 jobs and go to school. So, I thought I could trust him and really did not think anything about it (yes, I am an idiot, now I know)
He took me on a romantic getaway to Breckenridge, Colorado on November 8th and he did act kinda weird. He was on his phone more than average and went down to the gym to “work out” a bunch. After we got back things were normal for a week, we talked and texted like normal then he up an disappeared.
I had texted him and called him because I was worried and a few days later he texted me and said he hopped on a cruise and would text me when he got back! I said NOTHING, I was pissed. So, he texted me when he got back as NOTHING was wrong! I texted him a week later and said” hey I am fine and what he did was fucked up and hoped he had a nice cruise”. I have not heard from him since and I finally blocked him last week. Is that the worst or what?!!?
I have come to the conclusion that he left me for another woman, he wanted to go party and not tell me and deal with the wrath later or he is such a coward he wanted me to leave because WHO in their right mind would stay with someone after that???!!!
I REFUSE to EVER contact him again! I have been very sad and empty since. I have been going to the gym and working on myself, trying to enjoy life but I think of him and get sick and sad at the same time. I just want to get over this POS and move on!
He is egotistical, narcissistic and probably a sociopath as well!
He is the type that will want me to contact him and beg,cry and want answers from him. I hope I shock the sh*t out of him when he NEVER hears from me again!
Any thoughts or comments would be helpful!
Thank you!
Missy
Hello i i happy going through this article. My ex and i i broke up 8months ago i did no contact for two months and she came back calling and closer i i mistook for her coming back until she stated it again after 3months she is not convinced she wants to come back.i have tried all i could and now back to No contact she is not even calling back not to say showing she is interested i dont dont know what to do because i suspect she must be dating someone else now so it means i i have lost her. Please i need you urgent advice.
Hi Awolola.
You can’t force your ex to come back to you so give her all the time in the world.
If you do and she gets her heart broken by someone else, that could be your ticket back into the relationship with her.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan.
We’ve chatted before about my situation. We broke up 2months ago after 11 years together. I had one -2 week period of NC, then I broke it by ringing(calling was our method, we never used texts). We had a “friendly” chat, mainly her rabbiting on about her life and exciting new job she’s starting. She said she was happy to be on her own. Kind of expect that as suppose month 2 she”loved be in relief. I was permanently moving away from the area a few days later and she rang the day before I left. I’ve gone back into NC, deciding that was it. Day 12 now.
She said on the phone that she doesn’t ring me as she knows I “don’t want to be friends”. Yet she ends calls with “hows this been left”, “speak soon”. I tend to ignore that and just say cheerio. She does seem to kind of want to remain chatting on some level, she’s not an ex who has tired of talking and wants me vaporised, but obviously I don’t – hence going (failing once but starting from scratch again) NC.
I suspect her saying she doesn’t ring because I don’t want to be friends is kind of punishment. Not sure. Yet she has all but stopped short of saying she expects me to call her. The last time I didn’t call in NC she posted some things on social media about ditching ones ego. Then others about walking away from reles etc. My counsellor said they were designed to illicit a response and break NC as she needs the validation (annoyingly I did break NC after that).
So my ex kind of does seem like the someone mentioned at the bottom of the article who refuses to reach out on pride but would expect me to call. At min we’re still “friends”on social media. Bad idea or good idea? I feel she’s still getting her fix by snooping. I don’t post at the min as waiting for some decent stuff to put on, like activities. But she can see when I’ve last logged on and that kind of makes me feel she’s getting her hit if you know what I mean.
Cheers!
Hey Dave.
You’ve made a mistake when you reached out to her and called her. It’s as bad for you as it is for her. As your counselor says, she is most likely baiting you into reaching out to her. You doing so would boost her significance, and give her the power to stay away from you easier. Don’t give her any of that any more, as you know she would call you if she wanted to. As she is now, she feels the need to stay far away from you. It’s not just because you said, “I don’t want to be friends” She genuinely wants to run for the mountains, so let her.
Don’t worry about the social media. She definitely checks up on you every now and then, but that doesn’t change anything. Just because she sees your last online status, doesn’t mean she knows what you’re up to. Why don’t you show the world you are doing great every now and then, so she stops feelings threatened by you. The easiest way for her to drop her guard is to convey to her that you don’t want her back. This is her biggest fear right now, so just show her you are cool being on your own.
Zan
Thanks Zan
It certainly felt like a mistake afterwards. I was really annoyed. It was a weak moment fuelled by the emotion of leaving a place where we’d spent 11 years together I think, The min it rang I thought “oh shit, wondering if I should hang up”. I hope it doesn’t scupper any chances, if they ever exist. But from what I gather that largely depends on things down the road for both of us and my remaining in NC and our subsequent actions.
Question for you. All our joint photos are still all over my Facebook page. What’s the protocol with this? On a balanced level I feel the time to remove those would be in the eventuality I moved on and if I met new partner (can’t bare to write that at the min). But does it look like I’m hanging on when she sees them? Given as you say I want to give the impression im not pining. Or would my taking them down look unauthentic? In my boots I’m swaying towards “if in doubt don’t touch anything” and just leaving them. I know she has hers up, but that means nothing.
Cheers
Hey Dave.
Calling your ex is a mistake for many reasons. Not only does it suck to hear how great she is doing, but it can also set her back mentally. She can feel smothered even when you mention nothing about reconciliation. Any form of contact from you, she interprets as an opportunity to win her over. She feels trapped when that happens, hence why dumpers often become cold and distant.
NC exists for a reason. She simply has to want to speak to you, and until she does, she’s dead to you. As long as she’s hiding, she wants nothing to do with you, so reaching out to her when she’s not ready is damaging. It does more damage than good for both of you.
The photos don’t mean much to her, so they don’t need to mean much to you either. I would suggest keeping them on your profile for a while. Removing them would show you are bitter and hurt. You can remove the intimate photos if it bothers you though.
Zan
Thanks Zan
No I do feel duly worried about breaking it.
Do you think I’ve messed my chances up?
After I broke and rang, the subsequent two calls after that over that weekend she made herself. I was moving away from Ireland to England that weekend and she wanted to speak to me before I went (God knows why, maybe to make sure I’m going ha ha. I’m guessing more guilt or “for me”).
I’m determined to stay in NC. Do you think I’ve fatally damaged my chances? We had a good innings, 11 years, so hoping our history gives a little currency to give her something to mull over when she’s not heard from me in 6-9 months
Dave.
The only way she will regret losing you is when you remove yourself completely from her life, and she stops receiving your benefits. Sometimes dumpers have to date others to come to that conclusion, and other times they never realise it. Breaking NC might have delayed the time it takes for her to each out, but not the overall chances.
I suggest you build your strength and never reach out to her again. Let her message/call you when she is ready and truly wants to. If it takes years, then so be it.
Zan