Are you missing an ex who was bad for you? You’re not the only one. Most dumpees miss their ex, regardless of how good or bad their ex was for them. Dumpees miss their ex just for getting rejected and not having their ex around.
They think about their ex 24/7 and convince themselves they’re missing their ex because they truly love their ex.
The truth, though, is that they’re attached and got their self-esteem crushed. Because their ex was bad for them, they became even more dependent on their ex than dumpees who got what they needed in the relationship.
This may sound strange, but bad and toxic relationships are much harder to process than good ones. Bad relationships create unhealthy emotions such as fear and feelings of worthlessness. In other words, they make couples codependent on each other.
The longer they rely on each other for basic human things such as self-love, money, and a place to live, the more attached they get and the more they miss their ex after the breakup.
You need to understand that it’s completely normal to miss an ex who was bad for you. Throughout the course of the relationship, you bonded with your ex and created certain expectations of your ex. In a way, you idolized your ex and fell deeply in love with your ex.
Your ex may not have been the worst person on Earth, but because your ex cared about himself or herself a lot more than you, your ex starved you for validation and made you want him or her more than anything. Your ex hindered the relationship’s growth and made you want to fix the things that he or she wasn’t good at.
This made you feel neglected or not understood and forced you to form an unhealthy attachment to your ex.
Now that the relationship has ended, your brain is confusing you. It’s telling you that you miss your ex when in reality, you miss the little bit of security you had when you were still together. You miss talking to your ex and bonding when the relationship was fresh and exciting or when you were finally able to get some love and attention from your ex.
If you miss an ex who was bad for you, you miss both the lows and the highs in the relationship. You miss the feeling of fixing things with your ex and putting the relationship on the right track. When you resolved problems, you felt loved and hopeful and renewed your sense of direction.
Since there’s no relationship to work on and goals to strive toward anymore, things feel empty and uncertain. You don’t feel that your life is heading in any direction, let alone the right direction. For the first time in a long time, you feel stuck and dissatisfied with your life.
You know your ex isn’t the right person for you, but because you went through a lot with your ex, your brain is telling you otherwise. It’s telling you that you love your ex and that your ex was the person you should have tried harder with.
Your brain doesn’t tell you the full story, which is that there were big issues and that those issues will require a miracle to resolve. At the moment, you can focus on the good things for the most part.
You remember the celebrations, gifts, and even simple gestures of affection and cooperation that made you happy. Things like walking in the park, shopping, stargazing, and watching movies together. Such things make you feel bittersweet.
They remind you that the relationship wasn’t all bad and that you enjoyed certain parts of your ex’s personality. Nostalgia certainly isn’t on your side. It’s constantly reminding you that your ex was a good match for you and that you should ignore his or her red flags and shortcomings.
Sadly, that’s the opposite of what you should do. As someone who got dumped, you should focus on your ex’s negative traits. They will knock some sense into you and help you process the separation quicker than thoughts about your ex making you happy.
If you allow yourself to indulge in nostalgia, you’ll feel happy and sad at the same time. You’ll intentionally cling to hope and delay acceptance and healing. I know nostalgia is hard to avoid when every fiber in your body is telling you to obsess about your ex and the breakup.
But despite that, you must do your best to avoid it. You must learn to distract yourself and keep your ex out of your mind.
So if you’re missing an ex who was bad for you, know that it’s okay to miss your ex as missing your ex is unavoidable. Most dumpees miss their ex and wonder if their ex will come back. Many dumpees also contact their ex and try to reason with their ex.
What’s not okay, however, is to intentionally dwell on the past and tell yourself things like:
- I wish I could be with my ex again
- maybe my ex wasn’t that bad
- I messed up and caused the breakup
- I need to do something to make my ex notice me and want me back
If a part of you knows your ex was bad for you, you must resist the temptation to reach out. You must listen to the rational side of your brain and deal with the post-breakup blues.
Once you’ve dealt with them, you’ll become more rational and see that focusing on yourself rather than your ex was the right move.
In today’s post, we cast light on why you miss an ex who was bad for you. We explain what’s making you so nostalgic and what you should do to deal with it.
Why do you miss an ex who was bad for you?
One of the biggest reasons why you miss your ex who was bad for you is that your ex took personal power and importance from you. Through neglect or misconduct, your ex made you feel insignificant and reduced your trust in your abilities.
In other words, your ex’s unhealthy attitude and behavior impacted your self-esteem and made you see your ex as someone you needed to get by in life. Every time your ex disapproved of you, rejected you, refused intimacy, and failed to provide a healthy and safe environment to live in, your ex triggered your insecurities and made you more and more reliant on him or her.
This is especially true if your ex apologized or made it up to you afterward because that gave you a false sense of security and hope in your ex’s relationship-solving skills and ability to grow. It made you trust your ex and forced you to go through another rollercoaster of emotions the next time the same problems occurred.
All relationships have problems and difficulties. But couples who are a good match don’t let their emotions get the best of them. They don’t hit each other, destroy items, shout, call each other names, ignore or block each other, and let their relationship deteriorate.
Couples who understand the meaning of love increase their relationship standards. This means they set boundaries that mustn’t ever be crossed. Over time, they raise relationship boundaries and find healthier and more effective ways to communicate, bond, and get along.
Unhealthy couples, on the other hand, don’t have any boundaries. They say and do what they want and by doing so, react to each other. The longer they do that, the worst things they say and do. Eventually, they lose respect for each other and start pulling away and prioritizing themselves.
If they don’t realize their mistakes and resolve their problems quickly, they fail to give each other what they need and break up. That’s when dumpees not only feel abandoned but also neglected and incapable of taking care of themselves.
Anyway, you probably miss an ex who was bad for you because you tried so hard to please your ex. You put blood, sweat, and tears into the relationship just to get broken up with in the end. All this wasted effort makes you feel ridiculous for working on the relationship and staying committed till the end.
Your ex wasn’t doing anything to get the relationship back to the way it was and was planning his or her way out of the relationship while you were still fully invested and unaware of his or her detachment.
You especially miss your ex if your ex jumped straight into a new relationship and showed you how little you meant to him or her. Monkey branching should be punishable by law because it causes severe and overwhelming shock and grief even to the most confident people.
As long as a person is attached (and most dumpees are, especially when the dumper starts neglecting the relationship), the dumpee is forced to suffer and question his or her worth. The dumpee goes through powerful withdrawal stages and initially engages in self-blame.
It normally takes the dumpee a few months to get back on his or her feet and rebuild self-esteem.
So if you’re missing your ex who treated you poorly, know that your ex’s pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior is responsible for your nostalgia. It’s one of the most common and reasonable explanations for missing an ex who clearly isn’t good for you.
It’s also possible that you miss your ex because you never got closure. If your ex ghosted you, ignored you, blocked you, or made you feel responsible for the breakup, your ex made you rely on your own understanding of the relationship for answers.
This, in turn, hindered your ability to see clearly and prevented you from healing at the speed that you could heal if your ex talked to you and answered your concerns.
If it’s been a while since you broke up, then you’re probably missing your ex like crazy because you haven’t been happy recently. Your life isn’t going the way you expect it to go, so you’re remembering the past and wondering if you used to be happier.
Once again, your brain doesn’t remind you of all the bad times. It just wants you to know that you could stop suffering (skip dealing with pain) if you had a backup plan. You could be with your ex and not have to worry about your current problems.
Your ex doesn’t have these problems, so you think that your ex could help you deal with them or ignore them. Either way, you see your ex as the solution to your problems even though the opposite is true. Your ex can’t help you and probably doesn’t even want to.
You have to do this alone and find happiness on your own.
That being said, here are 7 reasons why you miss an ex who was bad for you.
I remember missing an ex who was bad for me too. Even though I knew my ex was far from being my ideal partner, I still missed the romantic aspect of the relationship. I valued what we had and was afraid of never seeing her again.
But as I stayed in no contact, I detached and realized my ex did me a huge favor. She helped me see what she saw – that we weren’t a great match and that we’d be happier with other people.
To this day, I’m still extremely grateful she left me and allowed me to realize the relationship wasn’t as great as I had thought. Sure, I felt angry, nostalgic, and desperate beyond belief at first and would only read hope-giving articles.
But when I got out of depression, stopped feeling hurt by rejection, and learned that I was missing her immensely because she was bad for me not good for me, things started to make sense. Suddenly, I no longer craved her good personality traits because I could finally see her bad ones.
I was far from perfect, but I rebuilt my self-esteem, understood she treated me badly, and realized that I didn’t want an ex back (or in my life) who has no sympathy toward struggling dumpees. That was when I stopped obsessing about her and viewed her as someone who has nothing valuable to give to me.
What to do when you’re missing an ex who was bad to you?
If you’re missing an ex who was bad to you, the first thing you must do is give it time. Don’t expect to process trauma and various post-breakup problems in a matter of days.
It will take a long time for you to get out of denial, regain your rational thinking, and see your ex differently. I’m talking about months of time because that’s how long healing takes for the average dumpee. While you’re recovering, expect to have good and bad days. Good days will let you focus on yourself whereas bad days will make you think about your ex and wonder how you could have avoided the breakup.
No matter what kind of day you’re having, persevere and give yourself time to grieve. It will take a while to deal with separation anxiety and improve your self-esteem. But eventually, you’ll pull through this. You’ll recover and wonder why you even missed an ex who didn’t care about you.
How long this whole ordeal takes depends on your experience with breakups, copings mechanisms, the things you think and do, the mistakes you make, the things your ex does, and whether you got closure.
When you’re missing your ex who was bad for you, you should take a pen and paper and write down your thoughts and feelings. Write down everything that comes to mind, including your ex’s good and bad points.
At first, you’ll remember mostly your ex’s good points. But if you give this exercise another try a couple of weeks later, you should see that your thinking has changed and that your ex isn’t the perfect person you thought he or she was.
You should basically notice progress in your mentality and the way the breakup makes you feel.
When you think about your ex and miss him or her, try to also distract yourself. Most dumpees find socializing to be one of the best ways to deal with unwanted thoughts and feelings. Friends, family, and people in general force them to focus on more important things than their ex, so they spend time with them whenever they feel nostalgic and tempted to contact their ex.
You can also sign up for therapy. Talking to a professional will help you process the things your ex didn’t or couldn’t. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help as it’s truly one of the best ways to get through a breakup.
Always remember that you’re missing a person who was bad to you because he or she was bad to you. If your ex treated you well, you wouldn’t be so nostalgic and dependent on your ex.
You’d know that you can get the things you want in life on your own and with other people. You just need to be patient and do what it takes to disconnect from your ex.
Are you missing an ex who was bad for you? What exactly do you miss about your ex? Let us know in the comments section below.
And if you want to confide in us and get personalized advice from us, check out our coaching programs here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
You are right for all the words that you are saying Zan!
I was so obsessed with my ex after the breakup! Literally I was thinking 24/7 about it!
I was so attached and got my self-esteem crushed, but with your help I made it through
That doesn’t matter anymore, Linda. We were all obsessed at some point. What matters is that you’re emotionally free of your ex and thriving.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan ,
I am writing a few words about my ex who was bad to me only during the breakup. In fact, this feeling was triggred two days a ago when I rejected a new relationship suggestion. When someone offered me an “undional love perspective” ,claiming he would offer me all possible love in the world, should I agree to make a new start with her, knowing that l have been recently broken up with (less than three months).
All of a sudden, I lost control over my feelings, and the seemed-to-be neutrality regarding my ex, has turned into a real deep longing for her. So, I activated my coping mechanism in these situations and tried to get self-empowered by remembering all the wrongdoings of my ex during the breakup, which were actually extremely painful, humiliating and intimidating.
Unfortunately, the result was poor, I couldn’t even visualise her main bad behaviour actions.
My heart is still blindfold towards her trying to draw a picture the pre-breakup time, when the pink-coloured atmosphere was the only thing I was able to see.
This major setback in my healing process, has caused me a lot of pain, and made me carve again for a closure that I was deprived the right to.
Currently, I am trying to develop a new coping mechanism, that consists in the unique focusing on the bad and horrible aspects of the relationship, thus I would be able to burry the reconciliation hopes that has just begun to blossom.
Hi Hannibal.
You’re not ready for a new relationship. You still think of your ex as someone who can fulfill you emotionally more than anyone else. That’s why you must work on letting go of the relationship. Do that by going to therapy, journaling, and staying busy. You’ll overcome this emotional setback and the cravings it triggered. Give it a few days and you’ll feel better.
Hang in there!
Zan
Great article again Zan. I love how you manage to nail my issue each time. You are 100% correct. I struggled, and still do sometimes, to get over my ex of 10years. I worked out the issue was not that I had messed up my relationship so much or that she didn’t value what we had but that I’d lost my own self esteem somewhere along the way. I thought she took everything from me ending our relationship without warning. I was devastated. I tried for months trying to win her back which only led to her treating me worse and my spiraling downward into depression. I hit rock bottom. And I mean ROCK bottom 🙁
But exactly like you said I began to rebuild my self esteem. I realized there were a lot of women out there who wanted to date me. I had friends and family who cared. I started to save money, got some new clothes, a new better job, and things for better . My life is just about back on track now. Id even go as far as to say I am starting to find a little happiness from time to time.. And yes it’s taken several years! But to anyone in this situation, and I see a few guys here, don’t give yourself a hard time. If she doesn’t care now you can’t make her. Make a list of your good points. Things that are good in your life. Anything, The dog loves you right? That’s 1 ;-). Get in shape. Get out and meet people. Have a conversation with a stranger that is now about your ex!
Then exactly like Zan says stop focusing on what you miss or that you were in love once. Think about the bad things. Remember the bad stuff and keep remembering it. Write it down and keep reading it. Eventually the pain stops. It comes back now and again but less and less. One day I expect it’ll be gone forever. I expect I won’t notice for a while. And that’s going to be a good day.
Best of luck and thanks again Zan!
Hi John.
You’re proof that life gets better after a breakup. The journey wasn’t easy, but with perseverance and time, you got out of depression and became a better version of yourself. That’s what breakups are all about. You need to learn from your mistakes and your ex’s mistreatment so you can stop it and do better in the future.
Failures are lessons, not the end of the world.
Thanks for the uplifting message, John!
Sincerely,
Zan
😉👍
Hey John,
Thank you for sharing your success story and your encouraging words ! ” I thought she took everything from me ending our relationship without warning.” and now you have given yourself what you lost back then on your own. You can be proud of yourself !
Wish you well,
Benoit
Thanks Benoit 🙂👍
This is me and what I have been going through for nearly 10 months now. My brain is always reminding me of all the good times and it makes me miss her all the more. But then I think about how see basically blindsided and dumped me and couldn’t even have the decency to tell me the reason why (even though I know the reason and it was selfish and materialistic) makes me angry. To make matters worse to find out she quickly got into another relationship where I am pretty certain she monkey branched to this new guy intensifies my anger. But at times the anger turns to sadness as it does make me feel worthless and that our 5 years together meant nothing to her. Knowing that she could just move on so easily and with another guy in no time makes me think that I never meant anything at all to her. While she did crush my self esteem, I have tried to move on myself and I can’t even get a date, let alone another relationship, so this always erodes what little self esteem I have. I don’t have any real friends which leaves me with very little to do and this makes me feel even more lonely and isolated which in turn makes me miss my ex all the more. It’s a roller coaster ride I have been begging to get off of but it won’t seem to stop. I also am doing therapy and that seems to provide me mixed results. A month ago I was very low, about 2 weeks ago I felt so much better but since the 4th of July came around which was one of my favorite holiday as I got to spend more time with her, it has knocked me down a notch again. I do see her for how she is and that is a selfish person, who expects someone to take care of her, who wants everything to go her way and the more she gets, the more she wants. I see this clear as day now, but I still miss her and I still wish once day she would realize what a great guy she lost in me and would show me some remorse for her callous actions. I still play in my head what a conversation would be like between us if she developed a conscience and apologized. I dream of that because I envision me getting the power she stole from me back abd it would also showed me she had some consideration for me. But in reality, I know she is not coming back, she moved over an hour away just to be closer to this guy she is with now and she did that soon after dumping me even though she claimed she was moving in with her mother to be closer to her family. I just can’t believe a person who had next to nothing when you met them and over 5 years, you gave them just about everything you could, would betray you take everything away from you and not even care in the least.
Hi Ed.
I know she hurt you badly, but use this pain to excel in life. Go out more, make some more friends, improve your self-esteem, get a job/position you like, and invest in yourself. This is the time for you to wean off your ex and become more independent. One of the reasons you’re hurting this much is that you overinvested in her and neglected yourself. You have to fix that so you can see her differently and have better future relationships.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for these incredibly helpful blogs. Each post is so thoughtful, authentic and insightfully written that they always help me tremendously. This particular post couldn’t have come at a better time, because it describes my present situation perfectly. I’ve been experiencing such anguish that I’ve been concerned the rumination is completely abnormal. My relationship started out blissful and stayed that way for quite a while. Then, gradually, abrupt anger episodes began creeping in (partially fueled, perhaps, by some substance abuse) and a repetitive cycle began: idealize, devalue, discard. This happened over and over, frequently without any advance warning — just a sudden surge of rage and blameshifting, then abandonment right on the spot. It’s been some time since the final discard, but there are still days I can barely think straight or stop myself from crying. I’m aware enough to realize that this cycle continued because I allowed it — I always went back, after all — but that doesn’t stop me from obsessing over everything I did wrong toward the end and longing for the outreach that hasn’t come this time, just so I can have those intermittent “good” experiences again. One thing I’m learning is that the *intensity* of these relationships contributes to such overwhelming feelings of connection and love — the good times are almost magical, and the emotional rush of “earning” them back is like winning the dopamine lottery. I think, in my case, the love I will always have for this person is absolutely solid and real. But I don’t know that love should necessarily feel so utterly engulfing, and I don’t think the tough times should feel like an all-out war. I suspect my journey of no contact involves learning to love and value myself again in a constant, steady way — a way that doesn’t prioritize fear of loss or retribution over my own needs, boundaries and peace.
Thank you again – L.
Hi L.
It looks like you became codependent. You craved the domapine rush from the relationship and couldn’t find the strength to separate yourself from your ex. That’s why you kept taking him back every time and got even more attached. You have to figure out why you stayed in an unhealthy relationship like this and what you can do to get out of it next time you find yourself in one.
I think you’ve learned a lot from this relationship. Now you just need to build the strength to stand up for yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey L.,
I am impressed by the way you rationalize what happens to you: this loop of adoration – devaluation – discard – is extremely addictive for the brain; you must be in total survival mode after that, trying to make sense of what happened and how it can avoid this pain in the future.
“I think, in my case, the love I will always have for this person is absolutely solid and real. But I don’t know that love should necessarily feel so utterly engulfing, and I don’t think the tough times should feel like an all-out war.” I sense a bit of internal conflict in these two sentences: I feel like your rational brain is telling you “you love him” and your emotional brain: “I am hurt and unsafe”. Only your value system can arbitrate this question: “Is it OK for me if I love them if I don’t feel safe and well ?”
Wish you well,
Benoit
Looking for thoughts on this letter I sent to my ex who monkey branched me and left me almost 2 months ago. “Hi Babe :I am starting this letter that way because that is how I have referred to you since day one. Please read what I have to say with an open mind and heart. I realize it may be too soon to send this to you but I have to get this out there to you. I’d rather be too soon than too late. I remember early on in our relationship that I told you that I was giving my heart to you. I asked only that you take care of it. Do you remember that? It was in your room while listening to Van Morrison songs that you were playing for me. I’ll never forget those nights and so many others. From that point on everything I owned and everything that I am belonged not only to me but to you too. You and I were “one” in my eyes and remained that way in my mind. There was nobody else I wanted to share my life with. We shared so many special times and experienced many life happenings and experiences together. We stayed strong as a couple through some difficult personal times as well. Even with the ups and downs that any long term love experiences, you completed me and filled my heart with love and hope. I envisioned spending the rest of my life with you and wanted that more than anything in the world. You taught me from the outset how to love again. I was yours babe. I can’t still figure out how it all went so cold so quickly and you vanished from my life. It was like I became a total stranger overnight and even though you told me I would always be your best friend which you always were to me, you completely closed me off from your life. I was basically thrown away. I made a pathetic pest of myself for awhile after that because I just didn’t know how to handle it. I should have just stayed away and let you breathe but I did not want to lose you forever. My greatest wish is that we could make things right. I want to make many more memories with you and someday start our relationship over fresh. The time apart has changed me a lot and I realize my mistakes. I still want you that has not changed. I want you by my side. I want you to come home to me. The next part is important. Really important.I was keeping a couple of secrets about things I was working on for us and had been working on since shortly after Christmas, exciting things that you did not know about and would have found out about during the summer. I’ll tell you about them face to face. That’s why I was stressing over my financials so much so that these two huge things would happen. It was going to be beautiful and it was going to be perfect. It is a dream for both of us. I couldn’t wait to see your reaction to them. I still hope to. Maybe it still matters and maybe it doesn’t, I wish I knew. It’s not in my control. But I still have hope that these things can happen. I’d like to talk sometime soon because it has been a long time or preferably meet in person for a drink so we can talk. I love you so much babe…still. And I miss you just as much. I still say goodnight to you every night and kiss your pillow. I still close my eyes and imagine that you are lying next to me. I am fully aware you might need some time and probably have some questions. I hope it’s not too late and that we can write a new and better future together. Sometimes the biggest mistake we can make in life is thinking we have time. I know what I want in life. That is you babe. My Love Always
Beautiful. I still love mine too I sympathize. Just remember to have healthy boundaries so they don’t breadcrumb you etc. Know your worth dumpee.
Hello Tony,
May I ask you what exact feedback on your letter are you looking for ? About the content or the fact of sending it ?
In any of these two cases, it is healthy that you self reflect on your behavior during the relationship and after the break up and own up to it. This a big positive point and you can be proud of.
Wish you well,
Benoit
Thank you. I was monkey branched by this woman who lived with me for 7 of the 10 years we were together. She decided to move out and the next day she was gone. As Zan said I probably should not have sent this. I can’t take it back now even though after 4 days she hasn’t even bothered to read it. I miss her horribly despite what she did to me and the ghosting that has been happening since. We have exchanged a few texts and not spoken in a month. She just won’t say that she wants me to disappear.
Hello Tony, thank you for the additional information. I agree with Zan, the letter you sent was not going to give you the results you expected: she has already shown you by her actions (monkey branching, ghosting, etc.) that she is not willing to make it fair. I don’t know the dynamic of your relationship before the break-up -i.e. if they were toxic behaviors- that motivates her to behave in that way; nevertheless, I would not have expected her to be more empathic further down the line and own up to her behavior, even if you said the perfect words in your letter.
Right now, I suspect she wants you to be the bigger person and understand that she is doing what is best for her. She may not have expressed it directly to you (i.e. asking you to be a mind reader) and you may not agree with her opinion, but she will not be receptive right now to anything you say that will not go in that direction.
Down the line, you have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who valued so little your commitment (10 years is a lot) you had. We all meet people outside of your relationship to whom we are instantaneously more attracted to than our partners. But none have shared so much and stayed by our side through the hard time.
Wish you well,
Benoit