Is It Bad To Get Back With Your Ex?

Most people reading this, including me, wanted to get back with an ex at some point in our life. Whether it was right after we got dumped or months later, we wanted to reconcile because we were dying to see if we could be happier with our ex than we were without our ex.

We didn’t think about whether it was bad to get back with an ex and if we were doing the right thing. We just listened to our hearts (our emotions) and by doing so tried to get our ex back. Deep inside, we knew that by reconciling, we could immediately stop hurting and start feeling secure and content.

There was no need to wait and suffer. Our ex could have easily taken our pain away from us by showing us that we matter and deserve love.

Sadly though, not all of us got our ex back. Many dumpees waited for a text or call that never came and were forced to move on. As for people who left their ex, many reached out to their ex after their ex has already rebuilt his or her self-esteem and moved on.

As dumpers, we may be in a position of power, but if we don’t discover our ex’s worth and reach out quickly, there’s a big possibility our ex will get tired of waiting and reject us even if he or she still has feelings for us. People who learn their worth tend not to get back with an ex who rejected them and put them through emotional hell.

They prefer to feel calm and in control of their new life.

So if you’re thinking of getting back with your ex, bear in mind that the decision to get back with your ex is yours alone to make. You’re the only one who knows whether it’s bad to get back with your ex because you’re the only one who knows your ex.

Others have a general idea of how you two functioned as a couple and can give some decent advice, but when it comes to understanding the quality of your relationship and your feelings for your ex, you’re the only one who has the wisdom and power to make such an important decision.

I know it’s tough, but that’s life.

Relationships may be a lot of fun, but breakups certainly aren’t. Breakups are one of the most difficult experiences people have to go through. Dumpees must slowly detach and build a life without their ex in it whereas dumpers must let go of resentments and negative perceptions.

That’s why you need to be certain about whether to be with your ex. If you want to be with your ex, you likely feel eager, scared, and excited to be with your ex. And if you don’t want to be with your ex, then you probably feel unsure, detached, victimized, angry, tired, and space-deprived.

Getting back with an ex would be bad if you’re not 100% convinced your ex is the one. If you return to the relationship thinking that problems will disappear on their own and that your feelings will grow, you’ll only prolong the inevitable, which is another breakup.

You can avoid stressing yourself and your ex out the second time by asking yourself what you really want.

Do you want to be with your ex because you like your ex as a person and a partner or are you merely thinking about being with your ex because you’re scared of being alone and lack the strength to let your ex go and allow him or her to be with someone else?

It’s a difficult decision, but a decision you will nonetheless have to make. Take a little bit of time to decide if you have to. Just not more than a few days because a few days should be enough to know whether you love your ex for the person your ex is.

Just to help you out a little bit, you probably don’t want to go back to an ex who was abusive and/or brought out the worst in you. Abusive couples don’t grow together because they’ve annihilated all relationship standards and respect for each other.

They normally react to each other’s problems and make their problems worse.

You also don’t want to beg your ex to care about you, forgive you, and take you back. As a person of value, your worth far exceeds your ex’s opinion and behavior toward you. It can be hard not to take the things your ex says and does personally, but don’t forget that you have the power to decide who you are and what you’re worth.

You may just need to unlock that power first.

In this post, we discuss whether it’s bad to get back with your ex. We talk about how to make the relationship with your ex work and what your options are both as a dumpee and a dumper.

Is it bad to get back with your ex?

It’s not “bad” to get back with an ex as some exes become stronger because of the breakup. They figure themselves out, so they’re able to communicate and resolve differences better.

But before you run back to your ex, you need to know that getting back with an ex does bring some challenges to the relationship.

For starters, it makes it harder for couples to trust each other, scares dumpees of getting dumped again and forces them to walk on eggshells, and makes it easier for dumpers to leave if something feels off.

Reconciled relationships are not the same as new romantic relationships because in reconciled relationships, couples already know each other. They’re used to communicating in certain ways and know each other’s worst traits and behaviors, so they go through a very short infatuation phase.

In this phase, they often focus on their feelings for each other and forget to talk about their realizations, improvements, changes, and expectations. Not every couple is oblivious, of course, but many couples do pick off where they left off and in doing so, act the same way as before and make the same mistakes.

That’s why we could say it’d be bad to get back with your ex if you and your ex haven’t made any healthy changes and failed to fix the problems that broke you up. Getting back together when you’re still thinking and behaving the same way as before would be unreasonable as you’d experience the same difficulties and break up again.

And what would the breakup do? It’d make you suffer again and greatly diminish the chances of reflecting, growing, and having a healthy relationship.

I know that dumpers typically don’t care very much about growing after they’ve broken up with their ex. In fact, many dumpers blame their ex for their relationship problems and the emotions they feel. They’re so narrow-minded that they believe they’re the victims and others the problem.

If such people continue to refuse to work on themselves and fail to develop personal accountability, there’s a pretty good chance that their next relationship will fail as well. How could it not when they lack self-awareness, point fingers, and expect the world to adapt to them?

Every wasted opportunity to grow makes dumpers less likely to fix the things they need to fix.

And the same is true for dumpees. If they don’t invest in themselves right after the breakup, they probably won’t do the necessary self-work later either.

Dumpees’ ideal chance to grow is after the breakup when they’re in pain. Pain not only allows them to see their mistakes but also forces them to do something about them.

So if you left your ex, know that it’s an awful idea to get back with your ex if you still find your ex fully responsible for the breakup. You need to process the breakup first and see how you contributed to the breakup before you get back in touch with your ex and ask for forgiveness.

However, if your ex left you, then you need to regain your composure and self-esteem and fix the reasons your ex broke up with you for. By fixing them and regaining your strength, you can determine if you’re even compatible with your ex and if your ex deserves you after the things he or she has done.

Many dumpers do horrible things after the breakup. Their behavior displays emotional immaturity and incapability to communicate healthily with dumpees they no longer desire. Such people, in my opinion, don’t deserve another chance.

They deserve to enjoy their freedom and face karma when the time is right.

Initially, most dumpees feel rejected and hurt, so they’re willing to forgive their ex on the spot and reconcile even if their ex cheated on them or started dating someone.

But when they start no contact and focus on themselves for a while, they often gain perspective on their relationship and realize they’ve sold themselves short.

That’s when they lose interest in their ex and appreciate their inner peace so much they don’t want to talk to their ex, let alone get back with him or her.

If you were dumped and it’s been only a few weeks or so since the breakup, I strongly encourage you to keep focusing on healing. Spend time with friends and family and do your best to stay busy.

Self-prioritization won’t immediately stop you from thinking about your ex, but it will create healthy patterns that will make it possible for you to let go and forget about your ex.

It’s okay to spend the majority of your days obsessing over your ex and wondering what your ex thinks and feels. It’s okay to think your ex is the love of your life. Breakups make dumpees go crazy as they starve them for recognition and affect their perception of themselves.

But just because your ex is on your mind 24/7 and makes you want to be with him or her, that doesn’t mean that getting back with your ex is the right thing to do. If you get back with your ex when your ex is still on a pedestal, you’ll give your ex too much power and increase the risk of smothering your ex and getting hurt by your ex.

To have a healthy relationship with your ex or any other person, you must first have a relationship with yourself. That means you must sever the bond you still have with your ex and learn how to be okay with yourself.

Independence is attractive and necessary for any romantic relationship to work because without it, your ex won’t see a way for you to contribute to his or her life.

All your ex will see is that you still heavily rely on him or her for direction, happiness, and survival.

So figure out if getting back with your ex is the best for you. Would it look and feel right or would it trap you in a relationship with lots of ups and downs? Surely you can tell if you want more of what you had or if you want something new and better.

You can’t just pick the good stuff here. If you reconcile, you’ll get the good and the bad stuff mixed together. You’ll also have to deal with any trust issues and hurt feelings caused by the breakup.

The picture below should help you understand when it’s bad to get back with your ex.

Decide what’s best for you

You have a big decision to make. Although feelings are important (they show emotional compatibility), I want you to think rationally here. There’s much more to a relationship than emotional and sexual chemistry.

In good relationships, couples communicate efficiently and resolve difficulties together. They don’t need each to be happy and successful. But because they make a great team, they want to be together.

Their presence has a calming effect on the relationship and makes them want to stay loyal, supportive, and in love.

Good couples miss each other when they’re away from each other and feel grateful when they’re next to each other. They express gratitude and concern and communicate feelings in ways that avoid causing pain and resentment.

This doesn’t mean they never argue but that they’re self-aware and capable of avoiding arguments or dealing with them in healthy ways that prevent emotions from bottling up and turning into resentments.

You probably already know whether your ex is a good match for you. You know if your ex has your best interests at heart and if you find your ex attractive and want to be by his or her side.

If you abandoned the relationship and don’t know what you want, you probably have unresolved problems such as commitment issues, childhood issues, ex issues, depression, stress, doubts, or some other important matter to resolve.

You shouldn’t even think about trying to get back with your ex before you’ve taken back control of your life and started to see the value your ex brings to the table.

But if your ex left you and told you that he/she regrets leaving you, then you need to figure out if your ex has learned his or her lessons and is ready to make things work. Do that by observing your ex’s consistency and eagerness to showcase growth.

Do you think it’s a bad idea to get back together with an ex? What do you think could go wrong if you were to give the relationship another shot? Share your views on breakups and reconciliations in the comments below.

However, if you’re looking for breakup guidance and want our help, click here to learn more about our coaching services.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.