Breaking no contact is seldom the right thing to do. Most of the time, it gives you the opposite of the desired results. Instead of telling your ex that you respect his decisions, feelings, and expectations, you overwhelm your ex with expectations of your own and make your ex focus on you rather than himself.
Your demeanor conveys the message that you’re unhappy with the breakup and that you need your ex to talk to you, explain things, like you as a person, love you as a partner, and provide reassurance. The more hurt, nostalgic, scared, and emotional you appear, the more likely it is that your ex will notice your highly emotional state and respond to it.
Your ex could respond in many ways. But if you openly reveal your feelings and expectations, you can probably expect your ex to be direct, impatient, angry, and disrespectful. You won’t like what your ex says and especially how your ex says it because your ex will feel that you’re asking for way more than he is capable of giving.
Your ex’s response, of course, also depends on his personality, perception of you, and ways he deals with negative feelings and situations in general.
If you appear highly anxious and hint at getting back together, your ex will see that you’re not ready to chat and that you broke the silence just to receive validation and help yourself feel better. That will make your ex feel trapped and tempted to tell you or show you that you’re not on the same page.
Once your ex reveals that he has no romantic regrets and interest in reconnecting as partners, you’ll feel rejected once more and find it even harder to detach and heal. On top of that, you’ll blame yourself for displaying unappealing traits and pushing your ex further away.
That’s why you must be extra careful not to break no contact for no reason or for reasons only you care about. You must remember that any attempts to change your ex’s feelings and reconcile will disrupt your ex’s relief/elation stage and increase the chance of receiving unwanted responses. Those responses will likely affect your self-esteem, guilt, and healing.
If you’re not ready for that to happen, you shouldn’t break no contact and hope for the best. You should remember that dumpers need space and that they will likely react negatively if they feel pressured to do things they don’t want to do. Dumpers don’t feel connected to dumpees and have no romantic expectations. That’s why they respond honestly and brutally when dumpees need them the most.
So consider the consequences of breaking no contact when you feel a strong urge to receive your ex’s care and affection. Think about how your ex will feel if he isn’t ready to talk—and also how you will feel. If things don’t go how you want them to go, you could get seriously hurt. So much so that you fall into depression and need professional help to get out of it.
However, if you’ve already broken no contact and received a neutral or positive response, then you may want to handle the situation confidently and get the most out of it. Provided you’re still talking, catch up quickly and avoid asking questions whose answers you don’t want to hear. Don’t ask your ex if he is dating anyone and if your ex is happy.
Even if your ex’s dating life is all you think about, you don’t want the truth to that question. The truth could destroy your hope and seriously hurt you. It’s better to refrain from asking private questions and remain oblivious. Ignorance is bliss, whereas information about your ex’s life releases crazy amounts of cortisol into your brain.
It makes you question your worth and purpose.
Since your ex replied, say what you want to say. Do it without pressuring, offending, and hurting your ex. Your ex doesn’t want you to brag, blame, guilt-trip, or pressure. He probably doesn’t even want to talk. Many dumpers don’t but reply anyway. They do it out of courtesy and respect.
Once you’ve said what you needed to say, go back to no contact. Your ex will need to reach out next time. Hopefully, it won’t be just a breadcrumb.
So keep in mind that breaking no contact was a breach of the no contact rules. It was a huge mistake to reach out and place your happiness in your ex’s hands. Since your ex can’t, or rather, doesn’t want to take you back and guarantee your happiness, you should guarantee it yourself. Do this by staying in no contact and excluding your ex as a reliable person.
The odds of your ex wanting you back after you’ve reached out are microscopic. You have a much higher chance of coming across as needy and showing your ex you’re incapable of moving forward. When you break no contact and expect or demand things from your ex, remember that your ex may feel overwhelmed and treat you no better than you treat yourself.
In this post, we discuss what to do if you broke the no contact rule and your ex replied.
I broke the no contact rule and he replied
If you broke no contact and your ex replied, it doesn’t always mean that your ex has feelings and wants you back. Unfortunately, it usually means that the dumper feels curious, guilty, or ready for friendship—and that reconciliation talks are out of the question. The dumper sees mainly non-romantic benefits from replying to the dumpee.
He or she doesn’t see any harm in talking as long as the dumpee keeps the conversation civil and avoids talking about the breakup.
If the dumpee talks about the breakup and reveals plans to get back together, the dumpee crosses the dumper’s boundaries and risks bringing out the worst in him. The worst includes responses that shatter the dumpee’s plans, hopes, and self-esteem.
If your goal is to reconcile with your ex, you should avoid bringing up the relationship. Avoid conversations that show you’re unhappy, nostalgic, and eager to get back together. If your ex sees that you’re reaching out entirely for yourself, your ex will likely feel uncomfortable and shut you down on the spot.
Your ex won’t talk to you for long because your ex won’t have anything constructive to respond with. Not when you make it clear that you’re still heartbroken and craving love. Hurt feelings, romantic cravings, and unmet expectations overwhelm space-deprived dumpers and make them run for the hills.
So don’t consider your ex responding to your message a good sign. Your ex’s response to your breach of no contact is neither a good nor a bad sign. It’s a neutral sign that shows interest in responding and perhaps even talking about non-relationship matters. What your ex thinks, feels, and wants is impossible for me to say.
Only you can determine your ex’s intentions by observing your ex’s responses.
Firstly, if your ex feels excited to hear from you, your ex must have thought about you a lot. He likely became curious at some point during no contact and hoped to catch up or even be friends. Since you reached out first, your actions demonstrated that you’ve dealt with feelings of rejection and feel ready to converse. This makes your ex see the reach-out as a chance to learn about your new life.
Secondly, if your ex appears apologetic and worried, it likely means that your ex regrets causing pain and destroying your relationship goals. Your ex wants you to know that he feels bad for how he handled the breakup or how the breakup affected you. Guilt is a very common dumper emotion. The dumper usually starts feeling guilty right after the breakup or months later when he stops feeling victimized.
Thirdly, if you hurt your ex badly and force your ex to dump you (let’s say you cheat or lie about something important), your ex may respond for closure. He may want you to explain your reasons for hurting him and show him that he deserves love and commitment and that he wasn’t responsible for the end of the relationship.
It’s possible that your ex still has feelings for you. If he does but can’t lower his standards, forgive you, and trust you, he probably won’t take you back. Instead, he’ll remember the things you did to hurt him and continue to blame you for his problems and pain. Some dumpers can’t let go of the past. They may still respect and talk to dumpees, but they don’t want to let them back into their romantic lives.
Those who want their ex back are open to relationship and breakup talks because they want their ex to prove that he or she has evolved as a person and a partner. They hope that their ex has learned his or her lessons and is committed to working on the relationship. Such exes usually state their conditions for taking their ex back and warn their ex that they’ll leave again if their ex doesn’t meet their expectations.
So if you broke no contact and received a response, bear in mind that your ex has his own reasons for responding. Until you know what those reasons are, you should avoid assuming that your ex loves you and wants to be in a committed relationship with you. Although there’s a small chance that your ex wants to be with you, it’s much more likely that your ex is simply against ignoring exes/people and responded out of politeness.
Responding and asking questions are forms of respect. Dumpers show it because they want to do the right thing.
Don’t get your hopes up just because your ex said hi back and inquired about your well-being. If your ex wants you back, your ex will initiate conversations and do most, if not all the work. You won’t have to do much other than show interest.
Moreover, do keep in mind that even though your ex responded the first time, there’s no guarantee that your ex will respond the second or third time. Many dumpers are super chatty and friendly, but only the first time they talk to their ex. This is because they feel nervous from not knowing what their ex thinks and feels.
When they see how easy it is to talk to their ex, they revert to their detached selves and ignore or lose interest quickly.
Having said that, here are 7 reasons why your ex responded when you broke no contact.
When can I break no contact?
Although breaking no contact may get a reply from your ex, it’s important to consider whether it’s the right decision for your emotional well-being. Consider the fact that you won’t feel any better if your ex ignores, blocks, mistreats, lies, or accuses you of bad things.
You’ll just become more obsessed with your ex.
It’s hard to foresee how or if your ex will respond, but if your relationship ended badly and if your ex seems to be having the time of his life, it may be better to stay in no contact and leave your ex alone. Contacting your ex when he’s ecstatic and unremorseful will bring out the worst in your ex, intensify your insecurities, and lower your self-esteem.
It will make it harder for you to love yourself and hold your ex accountable for his decisions and actions.
Therefore, not every response is a good response. When your ex triggers unwanted reminders, unprocessed traumas, and pain, you’ll regret acting impulsively and trying to make your ex come back.
You should only reach out to your ex when you’re prepared for an unwanted response. This means being emotionally detached and ready to handle difficult truths, such as finding out your ex is seeing someone else. When you’re okay with that, you can reach out and try to establish new boundaries.
Until then, reaching out is not an option. Not when your goal is to impress your ex and reconcile. You can reach out before you’re fully healed, but only if it’s necessary for you, your ex, or those important to either of you.
You can break no contact to:
- discuss child arrangements
- ask for your belongings
- finalize divorce
- arrange who keeps what
- tell your ex you’re pregnant
- Inform your ex about something important that only you know
No contact rules need to be respected. If you break them prematurely or without a valid reason, you’ll end up paying a steep price for it. You’ll probably receive an unwanted response from your ex and prolong your recovery. So think long and hard before you reach out to your ex.
Think about whether you really need to contact your ex and how the reachout might affect you. The potential consequences of reaching out may deter you from making a mistake.
Did you break the no contact rule and receive a reply from your ex? What did your ex say? Share your experience below the post.
However, if you’d like to privately talk about your ex’s response and ways to handle the situation, sign up for private coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
