Getting a guy back after a breakup can be a long and emotionally tasking process. It can take days, weeks, months, or even years of proper post-breakup etiquette for your ex to realize your worth and rediscover your romantic value. Reconciliation is contingent on hundreds of factors, many of which are outside your control.
You may not like to hear that, but most of the breakup depends on your ex. How your ex perceives you, copes with problems and emotions, and thinks about getting back with exes determines when or if your ex comes back when life gives him lemons and shows him that leaving you was bad for his health and happiness.
You probably don’t want to sit in pain and wait for years for your ex to fail and have an epiphany. You want to take control of the breakup and make your ex see your changes, improvements, and positive features immediately. Not even you know if you’ll want your ex back when you detach and get yourself back.
That’s why you want to get him back now that you need him the most. You’re in pain, so you want your ex to recognize you and validate your importance. What you’re forgetting though is that your ex is also in pain (although not the kind of pain you’re in) and that your ex wants space, which is the opposite of love and attention.
If you ignore your ex’s post-breakup feelings, expectations, and boundaries and refuse to give your ex space, your ex will feel smothered and consider your behavior disrespectful, needy, and disrespectful. That will severely worsen his perception of you and make him crave even more space away from you.
So if you’re searching for answers on “How do I get him back after a breakup,” bear in mind that you must avoid getting him back with your emotions. Remember that your ex disconnected from you and isn’t receptive to your growth and thoughtful gestures. Your ex was receptive to them when you were together, but now that you’re not, your ex no longer cares about them and wants them.
Your ex feels much happier when you’re keeping your distance and letting him focus on his life.
But if I let my ex focus on himself, how do I get him back? Won’t my ex just move on?
This is what dumpees fear the most. They worry that if they stop pestering their ex that their ex will forget about them and find someone else to date. They tend to forget that they don’t have a say in their ex’s life anymore and that their ex will do what he wants regardless of what they want, say, and do.
So even if they don’t want their ex to date, they don’t have the power to do anything about it. They can’t just call their ex and say they don’t want to see their ex with someone else. If they do that, they appear demanding, controlling, broken-hearted, miserable, and weak. They show they’re desperate for reconciliation and that their self-esteem is at rock bottom.
It’s so low, they reject reality and want their ex back to feel needed
I can tell you right now that you won’t get back with your ex with neediness, affection, jealousy, or seduction. Your ex won’t take the bite because your ex won’t find your behavior attractive and convincing. He’ll think you’re ignoring his premeditated decision and trying to change his mind by force.
And you probably already know what happens when you try to convince a person (especially an ex – someone who thinks negatively of you) to believe something he doesn’t want to believe. You make him feel like his opinion doesn’t matter and that you just want him to do what you want him to do.
This is bound to trigger his repressed emotions, including pain and anger—and compel him to make you feel hurt back. He won’t care about your feelings when you don’t care about his. If you cared, you wouldn’t be reaching out to him and begging for time to explain yourself.
Getting an ex-boyfriend back after the breakup requires an understanding of breakup dynamics, extreme willpower, and yes, even detachment. If you badly want your ex to fulfill your wants and needs when your ex reaches out and wants you back, you could scare your ex away on the spot or make your ex lose attraction and interest shortly after getting back together.
That’s why it’s extremely important to wean off your ex and lower the risk of overwhelming your ex with needs and expectations. Instead of checking up on your ex every day and fueling your obsession with your ex, unfollow your ex on social media, delete old conversations and your ex’s number, and go no contact.
By staying away from your ex and keeping your ex out of your head, you’ll be able to regain your rationality and composure and prepare yourself for when your ex reaches out. You’ll be less eager to reconcile, and therefore, care less, make fewer mistakes, and appear more attractive.
You don’t need to treat your ex badly and pretend to be someone you’re not. But you must exude confidence, high self-esteem, and passion for life. You must have or develop traits your ex lacks when things get tough and make him crave reassurance.
Today, we talk about how to get your ex-boyfriend back without sounding desperate.
How do I get him back?
Before we talk about how to get him back after a breakup, we need to make something clear. Unless your ex directly told you to change and improve for the sake of the relationship, there will be no getting an ex back. Your ex will have to get you back by redeveloping feelings, respect, and determination to make the relationship work.
That’s the only way you’ll get your stolen power back and feel in control of reconciliation.
If you convince yourself you’re solely responsible for fixing the broken relationship, you’ll put your ex on a pedestal (or keep him on it) and try to reignite your ex’s feelings with willpower alone. Your lack of emotional self-control and understanding of relationships will compel you to interact with your ex and make your ex regret dumping you.
Not only will your ex remain set on staying broken up, but he’ll also dislike you for trying to get back into his heart when he’s made it clear that his feelings are gone.
So change the way you think about breakups and reconciliations and modify your ex-back strategy. Consider your dumper ex responsible for redeveloping feelings while you focus on keeping your distance, improving your flaws, retaining your value, and detaching from your ex.
When you focus on yourself, your ex won’t feel rejected and run back to you right away, but your ex will think about you and wonder what you’re up to. If you show your ex that you won’t chase him and make his life difficult, he’ll respect your strength and emotional dependence and maybe even reach out to check up on you (not that you want that).
You won’t have to say or do anything because your absence will reveal how you think about your ex and most importantly, how you think about yourself.
It’s extremely important that you understand breakup dynamics and give your ex space to breathe and be himself. Don’t force conversations onto your ex and try to make your ex feel responsible for helping you feel loved. If your ex doesn’t want to talk, give you closure, and help you, you have to respect your ex’s decision not to be involved and find other ways to help yourself.
Rely on friends and family for healing and let your ex see that he’s no longer the most important person in your life. He has to know that you’re moving on and away from him and that he’ll lose you for good if he doesn’t hurry up, discover your worth, and get you back.
Your ex is a dumper, so your ex knows he’s responsible for fixing things. He left the relationship, so naturally, he has to come back with a plan or at least a desire to make the relationship work. If he has none of these things, you shouldn’t be anywhere near him, let alone talking to him and trying to get him to feel something for you.
His job as an ex who abandoned you is to explore his new life and see if he’s made the right decision. He has to have fun for a while, ignore his issues, and then be forced to face them. If he lacks the tools to resolve his problems, he could come back and value you more.
But do keep in mind it will probably take a while. He’ll likely have to date someone new and fail miserably with that person.
The first few months after the breakup will be the best few months of his life (unless he broke up with you due to depression). He’ll feel relieved and elated and excited to do his own things. He won’t think about you much and regret anything because he’ll finally feel free and in charge of his life.
Nostalgia and comparisons typically kick in 3+ months after the breakup. Dumpers remember their ex more often and in more positive ways than before because they stop feeling empowered by the breakup and start facing life challenges. If they meet someone else, it can take them even longer to miss their ex and want to talk.
Their nostalgia stage can get pushed back by another few months.
I’m not saying your ex will miss you for sure, but if he does, it will be when you’ve left him alone for a while, let him experience (relationship) problems, and indirectly caused him to question his happiness and decisions. Most of the time, dumpers must replace their ex with something or someone else (usually the latter) and encounter incompatibilities or various issues.
When issues pile up, they may get overwhelmed and hurt and look for solutions elsewhere. Oftentimes, they remember that their ex used to help them and make them feel good. That’s when they redevelop feelings and contact their ex to get back together.
So if you want to know how to get back with an ex-boyfriend, bear in mind that reconciliation won’t happen on your terms. It will happen when your ex encounters problems he lacks the skills and willpower to resolve. When your ex feels hurt, lost, and unhappy, he could stop thinking of you as an ex he needed to dump to be happy and consider you someone who used to provide a sense of safety and fulfillment.
As soon as your ex’s perception of you improves, you can expect your ex to break the silence and apologize for making a selfish decision.
With that said, here’s how to get back with your ex-boyfriend the right way – with confidence and high self-esteem.
How do I get him back after being needy?
Most dumpees make breakup mistakes and are at least a little bit needy with their ex. They feel anxious and think they can reason with their detached ex and convince him to come back. They were able to persuade their ex when they were with him, so they think their ex will understand and care about their feelings and side of the story after the breakup as well.
Soon, they learn that they can’t make their ex care about them romantically and that any attempt to get back together only backfires on them (gets them rejected and causes them to crave their ex more).
If you were needy for a few days post-breakup, you don’t need to worry too much. A little bit of neediness probably won’t affect your ex’s ability to redevelop feelings for you. You should worry about it only if you pestered your ex for weeks or months.
Relentless begging, crying, and complaining can destroy dumpers’ respect for their ex and make them get a restraining order against their ex.
It will be difficult to undo the damage when your ex resents or fears you to the point of involving the authorities. If your ex has no more respect for you, the healthiest thing to do is to respect yourself and focus on moving on.
However, if you only begged for a while, your ex may still redevelop feelings and desire to reconnect. This depends on whether your ex gets in trouble, reflects, and wants your closeness again.
When your ex misses your support and love, your ex could forget your minor/temporary breakup mistakes and ask for another chance.
How do I get him back after I cheated?
If you cheated on your ex-boyfriend, you have to understand the damage your cheating has caused him. You have to understand that you betrayed your ex’s loyalty and trust and that your ex may not be able to forgive you and be willing to reconnect emotionally.
Love isn’t unconditional; it has limits. Most people with decent self-esteem will stay in a relationship with you only for as long as you’re serious about them and value them. If you take their efforts and commitment for granted, they’ll feel undervalued and stop trusting you with their happiness, health, and goals.
They won’t see themselves staying with you even if you apologize and promise not to hurt them again.
You see, when you do something hurtful that they can’t or don’t want to get over, they’ll lose all the determination to invest in you and choose to invest in themselves instead. That will mark the beginning of the end of the relationship.
So if you’re trying to get your ex back after you cheated, keep in mind that your ex has lost faith in your abilities to make him happy now and in the future. Your ex has suffered a powerful shock and thinks he needs to stay away from you to feel safe.
You won’t be able to prove to your ex that you can make him feel safe if he doesn’t believe that you will. Just as I can’t convince you that the grass is red, you can’t convince your ex to ignore his hurt feelings and feel love for you.
Your ex has to be ready to feel (and give) love. And he’ll be ready to do that when your ex considers you an equal and the only person who can make him feel important.
I know that you want to fix the relationship and be in a healthy relationship with your ex. You’re willing to take accountability for your actions and give your ex the world. But as long as your ex has his guard up and doesn’t want you close, you won’t get through to your ex. Your only option remaining will be to give your ex space and time to process betrayal and find a reason to bond with you.
It could take years or decades for that to happen. It’s hard to predict when or if it will happen because no one knows what kind of experiences, problems, lessons, and pain your ex will go through without you.
What I do know, though is that you won’t always love your ex and want him back. Whether you cheated on your ex, communicated poorly, or didn’t do anything to deserve to get dumped, you’ll eventually detach from your ex and see your ex as someone who helped you improve yourself and reach your goals.
Do you still want to know how to get your ex-boyfriend back? Why do you think you want your ex back so badly? Was your ex your first or someone you were very close to? Comment below and let us know. We’ll reply to your comments soon.
And if you’re looking for help with your ex, visit our coaching page for more information on our services and the help you can get.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
