Sometimes exes will want to be friends shortly/right after the breakup. To be honest, this strange phenomenon does not occur very often. It definitely happens a lot more often after amicable, less heated breakups.
You will hear something like, “I’m sad for breaking your heart. Let’s be friends for now, and we’ll see where we stand later. Maybe we will end up together again in the future.”
You and I know the dreadful friend zone doesn’t sound one bit enticing. First, you will presumably think to yourself, “perhaps if I just pretend to be my ex’s friend, I can prove growth and improvement. If not, at the very least I will keep my ex in my life. I’m so happy my ex wants to be friends and doesn’t despise me.”
Because you’ve dedicated so much time to this person, and you feel uneasy towards him or her, you believe the friendship you were offered is a steal. The mix of anxiety and fear of loss, genuinely make you think this is a once in a lifetime opportunity — a bargain deal, meant for you to take it. In reality, it’s much, much less than that.
I would describe the gift of friendship from your ex similar to getting that 50th pair of socks for Christmas. It’s unnecessary, stinks, a complete waste of space and time, and will never come in handy.
Making a deal with the devil
First of all, it’s going to be almost impossible to be friends with your ex right after the breakup. You will be way too needy and want your ex like crazy. Your highly emotional state during the breakup would make you act on impulse and force you to do uncontrollable things. Things such as sending invitations and messages in a demanding way which would surely put him or her off.
Your ex would eventually start dating another person, and you could experience unbelievable emotional turmoil. Staying friends with your ex
The second reason why staying friends with your ex
Accepting this offer is a sign of appallingly low self-esteem and confidence. Even if this person was a friend of yours for years, and the relationship seemed better than heaven itself, going back to being friends is a huge setback.
It doesn’t matter whether he’s the only “friend” in your life, and how much you’ve bent over backward for him or her in the past. All of that has been erased as quickly as you can say whoops. What matters is here and now, and not the promises that have been made when the relationship was on the rise.
Things like “we’ll always be together and stay friends for life if we breakup” are irrelevant. Look at how you are being treated and ask yourself if staying friends with your ex really
The most important reason why staying friends with your ex wouldn’t work is because of your ex and his need for space. He will not provide you with the same amount of attention as before when you were in a relationship.
Something tells me the sound of that doesn’t make you exuberantly happy, as you now want even more than before, while your ex wants less or none. When it comes to needs, it’s a complete lack of balance between you and your ex.
What does it really mean when your ex wants to be friends with you?
Most of the time (99.9%) of the time, dumpers suggest friendship just to soften the blow. This generous
They just want out completely — especially if the time around the breakup wasn’t that nice. When one doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you because of incompatibilities and disagreements, there’s no way this person would feel the need for friendship with you.
The breakup doesn’t entail just the physical split, but rather a complete separation from each other. Unfortunately, it’s a black or white situation. Your partner either wants to be with you or doesn’t want to see you at all.
Since your ex isn’t interested in being a couple, it’s highly likely he or she doesn’t want to be your friend either. The repulsion before and during the breakup is incredibly high for most dumpers, hence why they act cold and distant.
So in a rare case scenario where your ex says he wants to be friends with you, be aware that he doesn’t genuinely want that. He simply doesn’t like hurting you and feels bad for breaking your heart. Besides, deep down in your heart, you know that you don’t want that either. You’re either all in or all out. There is no middle ground when it comes to exes.
My ex wants to be friends months after the breakup
If your ex was cold and cruel during the breakup, he probably acted that way for a reason. It’s possible he started seeing/talking to other people and got a huge raise to the ego. Whatever the case, months later, he is now sending you messages and friend requests out of nowhere.
The reason for that could be that his new friends aren’t as great as he thought or perhaps there are other issues he is currently facing.
Normally when an ex comes back, he comes back for something. In short, it’s validation he seeks because something or rather someone isn’t working out in his life. When he offers you that friendship months down the road after the breakup, put your guard up. Very seldom do human beings act out of boredom and without any reason.
The same can be said for your ex when he suddenly wants to be friends with you again. For some reason, he’s trying to weasel his way back into your life. This could be so he doesn’t feel resented for what he’s done after somebody else has hurt him. One could even say it’s karma striking, and now he’s on a mission to “fix” what he broke.
Omg omg, my ex wants to be friends with me
When your ex wants to be friends with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants more than just friendship with you. Very often, exes want even less than that. The reason for that is because people hate being perceived as “bad people”, and instead wish to feel redeemed for their sins (especially when something goes wrong).
The best way for them to increase their karma is to talk to their ex – the person they have hurt in the past, and steal his/her forgiveness. To dumpers, it’s incredibly empowering, and one of the reasons why exes come back into our lives.
I often mention that dumpees hold a lot more power than they are initially aware of. This is especially true if they got broken up in a ridiculously disrespectful way via text, left for another person, ghosted, treated horribly and so on.
Any person who values his or her moral values is going to regret his bad deeds at some point in the future.
Zan
As long as everything is fine and dandy, exes are not going to be concerned about their past
I don’t want to be friends with my ex. I want MORE!
We’ve finally gotten to the difficult part — the magic solution to turn things around with your ex, and give the relationship another try. So how can you climb out of this friends zone when your ex wants to be friends with you?
Guys, in particular, are afraid of being put in that dark hole when they start liking a girl. They fear the dark place so badly, they start panicking and ruining their own chances by acting on
Just like when you first start dating a person, there are many things that contribute to your overall attraction with him or her. These preferred personal traits are of course dependent on each individual.
There are however universal attributes every person in this world finds attractive. Subliminally, your partner or your ex-partner look for things that will help them grow and get the most out of their life. Very selfish, I know. He or she looks for things you possess so you can raise their social status and overall health.
These are the things you must improve for your own benefit, as well as for your ex’s;
- confidence, self-esteem and self-respect
- positivity and positive outlook on life
- healthy physical and mental state
- general knowledge
These are the most important traits. Other slightly less important ones are emotional stability, conscientiousness, sense of humor, intelligence, emotional sensitivity, vulnerability, kindness, authenticity, compassion, generosity, humility, bravery, money…
When you yourself as much as you can and become the best version of yourself, your chances are going to be tremendously higher.
I must do something or I’ll be stuck in the hole forever
As I said before, taking action when you are in the most vulnerable position is a big mistake. Accepting your ex’s friendship and turning up the neediness is never going to work. In the previous chapter, I mentioned a few positive things you should work on to boost your attraction level.
Needless to say, having those traits and taking initiative with your ex doesn’t work well together. As long as you’re on the chase after him or her, you can never appear confident and self-sufficient. Instead, you present yourself as the opposite – needy and insecure.
So what can I actually do when my ex finally wants to be friends?
You do that which portrays high self-esteem. And that is the impression of moving on and being happy on your own. I often see dumpees shut down their ex’s friendship coldly and thoroughly.
They say something along the lines of “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind.” In a way, they are standing up for themselves by saying they won’t settle for something so low.
That part is good. The other part which shuts their ex down in a cold manner, not so much. If your ex wants to have a conversation with you, and you simply ignore that wish, how do you think rekindling is ever going to work? He or she will think “Ok, my ex is clearly still emotional about the whole thing and wants me back.
I’d better stay out of this.” I know that person is your
Hold on a minute. You’re telling me to be friends with my ex?
That’s far from it. I say you should accept the friendship from your ex, and behave no differently than you did when you were in indefinite no contact. In doing so, you open the doors of communication again by silently telling him “I’m totally fine, and we can talk like normal people again.”
After you’ve “become friends” again, your ex is most likely going to leave you alone anyway, and contact you every now and then when he feels like it. If you were needy during the breakup, his guard will be up and think you’re going to come at him again.
After some time, he will turn around and notice your “friendship” isn’t what he thought it would be. You’re not running after him, but why? Could you be dating someone else and you’re actually happier without him? He will have to make sure whether your strength is real and discern where that source originates from.
To reiterate, instead of pretending to be your ex’s friend and becoming needy by contacting him and asking him various questions, you should quickly accept the friendship and immediately lay low.
Make use of the push-pull dynamics, and allow him to do most of the work. When he feels the need to speak to you, he will contact you. Remember, it’s when he is ready to be friends, and not you!
You can’t talk your way back into a relationship.
Zan
If you remember the quote above, you will understand that it’s up to your ex who has to do all the work from now on. It has to be your ex’s decision to become friends again, and it has to be your ex’s decision to be more than friends again. He or she is the one who ended the relationship, and must therefore, put in all the effort.
Even though you would move mountains and cross deserts to be with your ex one more time, you must allow him or her to start repairing things from the beginning. Once the decision to become “friends again” has been made, your ex must start initiating conversations and leading them as well.
The interest level of this person has to be so high it evens out with your disinterest. For example, if you do 30% of initiating, your ex must do 70%. As long as your ex wants to be friends and only friends, you should exhibit very little interest.
The reason for that is because if you show zeal towards him or her, your ex will reasonably return less. Why would he have to try so hard, when you’re doing all the work, right? In the breakup world, this is one of the worst things you can have. Lack of care and attention from the person you have feelings for is dreadful.
Denial or rejection will not happen as long as you keep your neediness in check and don’t chase. You can save face by mimicking your ex’s actions.
Allow your ex to guide you, and not vice versa.
Zan
You are not playing any games with this person. You are merely stating that this is how much you’re prepared to give to a person who doesn’t see you as an equal. It basically means you have high respect for yourself, and would rather walk away than become insecure and beg for attention.
I want to hear your thoughts. Has your ex offered you friendship? Did you accept or politely/coldly reject the offer? Please leave your comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan,
I hope you can reply to me.
Thank you for your article it was helpful.
I am in a bit of a strange situation.
I developed feelings for a superior (I’m older than he is, prefer not to mention in which context). He asked we be friends only as it was wrong to date. But with time we were practically together all the time, inseparable: shopping together, going to events together, cooking together, sleeping together…etc. and he did not really mind that I told several people we were dating. Yet, whenever we had “The Talk”, he would insist we were friends only. The issue started to bother him, as well as me.
I realize I was an idiot and should have insisted on moving on from the start, but every time I tried to break off the so-called friendship he would win me back by talking to me and telling me how much he valued me and did not wish to lose me.
Ultimately, he tells me that he saw other people on dates during our time together. Of course, he reminded me we were always just friends.
One day, he invented a story, to finally shut me out of his life, and blocked me everywhere. Of course, you know and I know how humiliating and disrespectful that was towards me. I was practically treated like garbage by the one person I had “loved?” the most, and invested so much in. By then, I could not really let go of him.
I suffered for five weeks, but on the day I assumed I moved on and woke up not wishing to die for the first time in month and a half, he sends me a Whatsapp message to thank me for a gift I had sent immediately after “the breakup”, I decided to wait for a day before I replied to find the best response, exactly 24 hours later he blocks me back there.
This is when all hell broke loose with me. I could not endorse six more weeks of torture, because that is how long it took me the first time. I literary crashed. My well-thought-of response to his message suddenly became of no value, I sent him several emails practically begging him to let me back into his life. He finally unblocked me a week later, told me we will never be friends, but that he will always be there, and that he was not to be controlled by me (he took my no response to his message as a sign of me asserting control).
Given the circumstances, one who had not respected me during our time together nor our “break up”, but at the same time probably felt sorry for me so he allowed me back, and given the fact that he never acknowledged our time together as having been dating, but also given the fact that I had never experienced these feelings I had for him, the fact that I worship everything he added to my life (he is very much like a religious guru although not one), how can I turn around everything? I really do not want to lose him again, and want him to finally acknowledge that we were together, and want him back, except better…
Hi Zan,
My ex and I are since a year no longer together. Since our breakup she get back to live far from me, in the city she comes from, where her family and friends are. It was a great thing being together, we were both independent but we went searching for a place to live together, where we could make what we love, trying to get a child.
She get a very hard job as freelancer witch went wrong. She was really down in that time and I did a lot to support her and to make her easier, I felt so bad finding her in such troubles and maybe I did too much in a time she needed less. I did not felt well anymore and not wanted anymore. Within tree month of seeing our relationship going down and down, I decided to make a break, to get back to myself. I did not went well with the way I was behaving with her anymore. I told her that she is the most important person of my life, that I don´t want to loose her. That I cannot stand seeing our dreams going away from us one after the other. I told her that it is the most difficult decision I made in my life going away from her because I love her, and that I know that if I don´t go now, I will loose her soon definitly. We both cried a lot, she told me that she understands, that he don´t know what is happening to her and that she needs that time too.
As we were in the break, we were still weekly in contact, I was very depressed, she was way much important to me as it should have be, that was not normal, it was to the point that my happiness was bound to her and that was bad. We used to talk and to go out together from time to time. Eventually her job when to an end and things went better. After a while she asked me if I wanted to come with her for the wedding of a good friend of her. It was going well between us and I thought that she wanted to have me back, I accepted and went to the wedding with her. We were there as we were together again. She told me that she hoped so much that her feeling to me would be again as they were before but that did not happened. She told me that she don´t love me anymore and it was over.
I felt so lost. I did not understood what happened to us. She told me that the problem is her, that she feels lost and that I mean very much to her. I did not expected to loose her at all and even less on that day, everything looked like the she wanted me back, I could not understand why she invited me to the wedding as her partner when she did not loves me. And I was angry about me too not being able to keep the one I love to me.
I decided to move to the place where we wanted to live together. It was a lot to do there, making that place as good as we wanted it to be alone was hard but it meant so much to me, it was where I wanted to be and I was not ready to loose that too. It was so good for me to move there. I felt way better than I was before, had time to take care about me again and to come on my feet again.
We had very few contacts, she was often the one who were asking for news or giving news. Two month passes. I had still stuff from her in my place that I did not wanted to see anymore, I wanted to go forward. I called her to ask her to come for it but I found her crying on the phone, she had a ball in the brest and was waiting for the diagnostic, scared for her life. I though she was going to die. I had her on the phone everyday the next days, I was so scared loosing her for real, I could not sleep, and wanted to come to her. At the end it was something else, she was out of danger. She was grateful that she could feel me next to her those days and we decided to go for a trip together to make the switch and have some good time together again. She came to me after our trip to get her stuff, she saw the place again where we wanted to live together and what I did out of it. She was very emotional on that day, she told me that she went to her doctor, that he could not explain why she get what she had, and that he thinks that it can be eventually explained by psychic states. She told me that her doctor asked her if she lost someone that means a lot to her.
She did not had to tell me that. She loves me but there is something wrong and I don´t know what. She could have stay a single day, take her stuff and go directly but she stayed for a week with me.
After six month she get the opportunity to work again in my city. She called me and asked if she could move to me for those two month, if I was ready to live with her as friend. I was happy about it, it was summer and it was also good for me to share the costs of the flat on that period. She came and we had really good time together, we had time to speak a lot. She told me that she still feels desoriented, that she has trouble about turning fourty, that she want to stop moving from city to city with each of her jobs, that she want and is seeking for a place where she could feel belonging to. She had a few position proposal in different cities and she told me that she was also seeking here. She get a proposal from the company she was working for as freelancer. And she asked me if we want to live together.
I told her that I don´t know if it is good for me and for both of us to do so. I told her that I am in love with her and that she is the only one person I would accept to live here with. I told her that if we live together as friend we will have trouble to meet new people and live new love stories. And that if someone come to the life of one of us, the one will feel troubled bringing this person at home.
I told her that I will be very happy to have her here but that she need to think about all of this again.
A week after she told me that she wanted that too.
We are now leaving together since almost six month. We have good time and difficult times together. We don´t speak about our past and I don´t think much about it. I am ready to give her the time she needs now and I am grateful that we broke because it was necessary to me to become something better than I was before. I am in love with her now and maybe more than before. I don´t speak about it with my friends and family because I don´t want them to know everything about us. That´s my story and I feel a little bit alone with it sometimes. Sometimes you have to choose between two things that you did not planned with before, It is not easy everyday and I knew that from the beginning. I just took a decision, to give her a place next to me, and do everything I can to make out it the right thing I possible could do.
Lou
So my ex gf broke up with me just over a week ago. We dated for a year and 2 months. She said she really is sorry and still loves me and that it is still early days and what will be will be. She wants to be friends with me and texted me briefly each day after the breakup for about 3 days. On the 3rd day after the breakup she said we need space so that we can heal quicker and be friends again. So right now we are doing the no contact thing. I actually ran into her on a night out with friends and she pretended I wasnt there and ignored me even though I seen her glance over at me a few times. I am going to let her initiate contact first. So right now I’m just laying low.
Hi there I would like some advice on this one
My ex of 3 years dumped me a month ago. We lived together briefly and he dumped me due to “family issues” but still blamed me for the break up. We briefly spoke to each other about us and he said if he could take me back he would and claims he still loves me but during that conversation he said that the whole ordeal could take a year and asked me if I’m willing to wait I would, I agreed (stupidly I know). He knows how I feel about him but I don’t want to be put on the back burner.
Since I still have friends in his home town I took a shot and asked him out for coffee, he instantly agreed. The messages are quite hot and cold. He double checked yesterday that I was still free and I kept the conversation short as possible. He doesn’t message me or check up on me anymore.
I am struggling on how to approach this coffee with him. I am prepared for both outcomes. He’s got it in his mind that we are on good terms (friends) but my reality is I want to know his intentions, so I can move on. I am moving back in a year to his home town again and he replied with “perfect timing then :)”, he wants me to keep in contact with him throughout the year as well but I know in my heart I need to move on.
I don’t understand why he’s agreed to meet up with me. I feel that in my gut, I’m just being strung along.
Hi Zan, I recently broke up with my wife. The reason is bc i mistreated her and we argued about it a lot. I tried to change and continued to give me a chance but the whole while she was talking to another man. They’ve only been talking for about 2 months, and the guy and I are both deployed, so none of us can actually be with her. When we broke up. She apologized for breaking my heart, she told me she still loves me, she said maybe if circumstances change, we may be able to work it out some day. But since then, ive begged, ive talked about her new bf, ive tried to cut contact only to come back the next day and tell her i love her. Shes always wanted to remain friends and we are still talking as friends. She contacts me everyday still, she still says she loves me and misses me(even though weve talked everyday since the breakup). She knows im getting better and trying to solve the problems that broke us up in the first place and even offered to help me. But she talks about her new bf a lot, bragging about his d, what theyre going to do, wanting to move in with him after he gets home and he pcss to hawaii. She even vents to me about not really wanting to get serious with him. We were best friends for 6 years, married and in a relationship for a total of a year. I cant go back to being friends. I want to fix my marriage. What should i do?
I realize this is a long one, but I don’t know how to say this otherwise, because a lot has happened. Also, English isn’t my native language so I hope everything was clear.
So, little over a month ago, my ex broke up with me after 4,5 years. The biggest reason she did was because I wasn’t independent enough. I wasn’t happy when she broke up, but I did understand her, I tried, but I knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
For the next couple of days we didn’t text each other until she asked me if we could meet. We did and she basically admitted she wasn’t sure whether she should have broken up with me and pretty much started planning things we could do together, so I started thinking things would turn out fine in the end. We started texting again until one evening she called me and said she still wasn’t sure what to do and thought we had both changed a lot in those 4 years and maybe we just needed to get to know each other again. So we agreed to meet the following day.
Before we met up however, she texted me she wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea to meet, because she didn’t want to meet with the wrong intentions. I told her we could just meet as friends and so we did. Afterwards I wish we hadn’t because I found it surprisingly hard to pretend I wasn’t hurt. I tried to hide the way I felt, but she could just see right through me. When I got home she texted me that we couldn’t do that anymore because she didn’t want to hurt me any more than she already had.
That’s when I completely crashed and I ignored her the rest of the day. Apparently she texted my mom that night to find out i I was alright, but I only found out about that much later. When we texted again after that, something had changed and she seemed very distant at first and a couple days later she didn’t want me to contact her at all. She didn’t tell me right away, but she later told me she had found someone else. To be honest, hearing that wasn’t as hard as I would have expected. I mean, it was at first, but afterwards I didn’t feel too terrible. I finally felt like I had to let go, and the following week I felt like I was finally ready to.
Well, we play theater together, so it’s kind of impossible to ignore her completely, so when I saw her again 7 days later, I was surprised to see that she wasn’t mad at me or anything and we could talk really well. I wanted to ask her if we could meet again someday to talk about everything (I didn’t specify when, but I meant in 4 months or something), but I knew I shouldn’t ask her, so I only kind of did and felt really bad afterwards. She thought something was wrong that I wanted to talk about and I tried to assure her nothing was wrong.
The next evening I got a message from her new boyfriend. He wanted to know what I was up to. And I tried to reassure him I wasn’t trying to get her back (which I believe was true). At first I thought he was just mad because I wanted to meet up with her, but then he tried to get me jealous by talking about them having sex and things like that and I realized the only thing he was after was to get me angry so I decided not to give him that and be as nice as I could. He just started insulting me and I knew my ex wouldn’t be happy with what he sent, so I texted her and at first that seemed like a big mistake because apparently they were together and he just started insulting me more when he found out I texted her. So I asked him if she knew the things he sent and he said she did.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so terrible, mostly I was disappointed in her and I started doubting everything about her because the person I had known wouldn’t have been okay with all that. I decided to ignore them both because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.
That night she suddenly texted me again and she basically said she was sorry for everything and she genuinely didn’t know the things he had sent and when she found out she broke up with him, because he wasn’t healthy for her and anyone around her. That night she sent me she missed me, and I was kind of happy, but I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up. We texted until late in the night that night and she asked me to meet up again.
When we actually did though, she seemed very different, distant again. She did tell me she knew it was a mistake to jump into a new relationship right after ours had ended, but she just didn’t want to be alone. I told her everything I wanted to, but perhaps I was coming across as too needy and afterwards she texted me that she just didn’t want to give me any false hope. So I thought it’d be better to protect myself and I just told her I didn’t want any contact so I could move on. She replied with a simple okay and I hoped she understood.
I really tried my best, but last Monday (only 4 days later), we were at the theater again. Or well, she wasn’t but her father was. I heard him say to someone that she was very sick and so I broke the no contact again because I didn’t want to seem cold and I wanted to know how she was. I wasn’t sure whether I should have done that, because I knew it was just an excuse to text her again, but she actually seemed happy I was concerned and she started texting me again. We did so for half an hour until I told her I wanted the no contact rule not because I was angry or something, but because I couldn’t move on if we didn’t. She understood, so now, we’re under our no contact rule again.
I’m not sure if this is what we’re supposed to do though. It seems like she’s always happy to text me or talk to me after we haven’t had any contact for a couple days. But if she really doesn’t want any relationship anymore, maybe it really is better, so I can try to move on.
If we have any contact again for some reason, would it be best not to tell her to have no contact, but still act like we don’t have any contact, so she can text me when she wants to, but I won’t initiate contact. Is this the best course of action or have things just gone too far already? Also I’m trying to become more independent in the meantime, even if I can’t get her back, it won’t hurt to be a little more independent, because I don’t think anyone would find that attractive.
Hi
Thanks for the article and merry christmas, my ex and I broke up a year and a bit ago, we were together for five years, to this date we still own a house together, although renting out to tenants at the moment. He has offered on multiple times to give me all the house assets without payment eh says “i deserve it” , so i know the reason behind us talking isn’t because of the home ownership.
He ended the relationship after an argument. The relationship broke down when we moved to another country that was foreign to both of us.
Since to date, other than the first two weeks of the breakup, we’ve never gone one week without speaking to each other, at first it was by text(every two/three days), calls, then two months after the breakup, it turned to visits. He visits my home once a week, we watch tv and cook, sometimes we might go to cafe in town. There hasn’t been any romance other than a prolonged hugs he asks for each time he leaves. He normally initiates the text messages when we apart, if i don’t respond, he gets anxious on whether i am OK.
He is very hard headed when he makes decisions and rarely backs down from them, Ive brought up the conversation once or twice of us getting back together, he shuts down, and changes the subject, then states “I dont want anyone” or “i don’t want to depend on anyone”. its funny he said that as I feel that he was a little dependent on me in the relationship, i.e. me managing the mortgage, making financial decisions ect. I asked him, do you not love me, he said “of course I do”. recently i decided to go back home, which is where we met (3hr flight from the country i am in now), because, even though he comes over each week, the country just doesnt feel like home to me, and i dont want to feel as though my life is waiting for his visits each week or for him to change his mind.
Now he knows that I am leaving this country within a month, he has asked whether he could book a flight to come to stay with me for the easter weekend, he wants to keep this connection going and to be honest I dont want to let him go completely either, I have never had this situation with an ex partner, i dont know what we are right now, i cant call an ex a friend, do you have any advise.
I had a relationship with my ex for almost 2 years. A month and half ago he ended things with me saying he was insecure and couldn’t be in a relationship. There were other factors as well (he wasn’t treating his depression or anxiety). I recently broke no contact after receiving what I thought were mixed signals. He checked my LinkedIn daily for 2 weeks which would notify me of views. I haven’t updated page in over year. After asking directly if he was trying to communicate he responded “no.sorry”. I gracefully said ok and hope all is well. A few days passed and I took the leap to ask him for coffee. He responded by saying “we are not together anymore.is that a good idea? You were the one who once told me you couldn’t be friends with exes”. I just responded by saying “I know we aren’t together anymore. It’s just coffee”. He gave me a date he would return stateside (he is away visiting family). Is this meet up worth it ? If I want to be more than friends and rebuild. Do u think he will be receptive to building or never want to be anything more?
So my partner and I of about 4 years broke up about a month ago. I moved out of the home we shared for 2.
I went NC and have been doing things I want to do to rebuild my life. My ex asked if we ” could just be friends” or ” start there” cause he values me in his life as his best friend.
I told him, ” I would always be his friend and I would be but I didnt want to be ‘just friends.’ He said he knew that. We have sing casually hung out like grab Ice cream and watch a tv show but to be honest I’m not sure I can just be friends. If we would get there eventually why would we not do those things casually dating?
I’m trying to decide if no contact or pretending like nothing is the way to go.
Hi,
Really weird situation here that I cannot explain. My ex and I dated for nearly 6 years, all through college. It was a great, healthy relationship. Suddenly she ends things with me saying that she just fell out of it and stopped caring as much. I handled it well and didn’t reach out much at all. Fast forward 5 months later, we finally live in the same city. She reaches out to me all of the time, makes plans for us, will even cook dinner, texts and calls a lot. Most of the time she initiates contact. We have talked about us briefly when I first moved here but not really since. She does all of this but won’t make a move to a serious thing. I refuse to make the move, it’s not my responsibility. I love her but may have to break this off. What do you suggest to do to make this work.
Hi John.
It was her idea to leave you, so it has to be hers to come back.
Don’t make the job easier on her or she’ll never learn to fight for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex wanting to be friends was all done in text message. No Oovoo calls, or Skype like we used to. She lives in Boston, I live in Miami.
After a few days of breaking up and declining to be her friend, she was already posting she was officially with someone else and how happy she was. Amy tried to make me question my accusations by saying I was jealous. How can someone move on in 3 days so quickly into a romantic relationship is the deepest question this story has. I was crying for days, and all I could think about was her. Waking up so early in the morning when she would usually send me a message. Was she getting the help she needed for her mental health kept repeating in my mind. I am posting this for people who are asking themselves, “Why does my ex want to be friends?” In reality, these people are not worth being our friends. Do not even think the word “friend” and apply it to them.
A majority of close personnel in my life say this is a “rebound” relationship, monkey-branching from me to the new person. But I do not know, and will never know how long it was planned for. Being far away from each other must have contributed to her wanting to see other people close to her to fulfill her needs (sex, attention, whatever). Since I was not around physically and could only meet every few or so months, I was not there to see what she was doing behind closed doors or on her phone. The distance was not working out for her and wanted to be my friend as a compromise, or “soft-blow” as I loved her very much so.
After months of reflection not speaking to her I learned that despite us being happy in earlier times she is not the person I am meant to be with. It was good while it lasted but now it is not. If someone loves you, they will not turn your heart away from theirs. If they want to be with you, they will figure out a plan dealing with their own problems, and make the relationship work. You won’t question their feelings about you, they will make it known they will do anything to make the relationship between you two work. That is what a true woman, and man do. Distance won’t be an excuse for breaking up. Asking to be a friend after all you two did together is very disrespectful, especially when your heart still has romantic feelings for them. It is not fair, and one should not feel they are being put on the back-burner. Everyone deserves to feel like they come first.
Hi Zan,
I was wondering if you could give some advice about how to stay out of the friend-zone.
My ex and I dated for about 4 months and the break-up was pretty amicable, for a while. I accepted his invitation to remain friends when he broke up with me, but things went sour when we ran into each other at a concert and he became jealous of a friend that I was with who happens to be male. I stopped all contact with him after that and did no-contact for 5 months.
We ran into each other at another concert last month and exchanged pleasantries. He was really excited to see me and I casually said that we should catch up sometime and he agreed and texted me that night to make plans.
We got coffee together and talked about everything new in our lives and reminisced about all the good things that happened while we were together. We laughed a lot together and he even opened up and told me things about his life I didn’t know even when we dated.
We text each other quite a bit since then, a couple times a week. I still have strong feelings for him and don’t want to get stuck in the friend-zone. How can I make sure I don’t get stuck?
Thanks for your help!
Hi Courtney.
You first need to understand that your relationship ended in just 4 months. This can’t even be considered a long-term relationship.
That’s why I’d like you to know that getting stuck in a friend zone isn’t your main concern right now. You should try to figure out why he lost feelings for you and whether he ever even truly loved you.
I think that he didn’t because it lasted merely for 4 months. Something put him off so take some time away from him and try to understand what that is first.
When you do, fix your shortcomings and be your best self. It’s the most you can do.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Your tips on becoming friends with an ex helped me sort things out in my head. However, I would still love a confirmation from you. He broke up with me stating he has different priorities now and won’t be able to give me as much time like before. It was a 2 month relationship. And I was too much in love with him already. During the breakup moment, he asked me if we could continue to be friends. And I disagreed in the heat of the moment. Post zero communication for 3 days, he came back to me troubled asking why I wasn’t talking to him anymore. We discussed a few things. And I agreed to stay friends with him. Its been 3 weeks now. We continue to have minimal conversations. He keeps checking on me. But I do not understand his thoughts about me. Iam confused. If you could help?
he dumped me and all his friend slowly came in my dms. And I addressed this to him so I assumed he was over sharing so I reached out to him. We spoke a few times about that matter and he stopped replying back to me because he assumed I wanted to get back together. Fast forward two months 3 days ago he asked to be friends again and he casually asks me if I have a roaster (I guess trying to figure out if I’m talking to anyone) and at some point in the conversation he brought up a date he went on…I was shocked because he already moved on. And I brought up how he’s already dating and he goes ah fck I know I jumped back “in” I felt shitty but I’m not ready. And I cope with jokes so I just said your crazy for msging me now. Let this marinate for a bit a year maybe regroup and be friends. He goes “get your shit together and I’ll do the same and if it’s meant to be we’ll see”. He said this and in my head I was annoyed because he originally said our future plans don’t align and we aren’t right for eachother. So why say that? Does he mean it. I told him I can’t be friends I still have feelings
Hi Zay.
All your ex did was give you false hope, so don’t take his words seriously.
He doesn’t mean it he’s talking about a year from now. It’s an undefined time.
That’s why you must focus on getting over him because he’s not coming back anytime soon.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your blog. I was with my boyfriend for 3,5 years. And half a year ago my boyfriend left the country to travel. I visited him after 2 months and he is still in another country. About one and half a month ago he said to me he didn’t want to talk to me because he didn’t know if he still wanted to be in a relationship with me. Nothing happened between us or anything. Recently he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said he still cares a lot about me and misses me but he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t see a future with me but wants to stay friends with me and that I always could talk to him about anything if I have problems. He is still in another country but at the end of the month he will be back and he wants to see me them. I really do love him and I dont know what to do anymore if I should stay friends and if talking with him after all these months we didn’t see each other is a good idea.i hope you have some advise for me.
Hi Cynthia.
Staying friends with him would be disastrous for as long as you have feelings for him.
That’s why the best advice I can give you is to focus strongly on yourselr and wait for him to want to talk to you.
The fact that he isn’t conversing with you right now means that he’s busy with his own life.
Stay strong,
Zan
Well, I was married for 33 years when my husband left me for another woman, he was also severely depressed at the time. I had lost my father around the same time too.
He had a holiday on his own and had apparently met this woman while he was away. I now believe he met her online and wanted to meet her in person. At the time he was talking to a lot of women online.
After he left we exchanged quite a few heated emails. I was devastated and completely handled it the wrong way. I now know I should have gone no contact.
So last year ( two years into the separation and 7 months after I had last contacted him. I had become angry over a remark he had made so I had decided it wasn’t even worth a reply) he emailed me saying it didn’t make sense not to have some form of contact, he was now in a better place although he still didn’t know where his life was going and he didn’t want to go over old ground. He also didn’t want regular contact, but if I didn’t want to reply then that was fine too!
He sounded totally confused. And it did me no good hearing from him. I emailed back that I couldn’t be just friends and would prefer no contact ( as it’s my way of coping )
I have been stupidly ruminating for a year over this email. I know he’s still with the same woman. We have two adult children.
I just wonder what he was getting at ?
Lovely and informative article. I am currently in the same boat. Me and my ex of 2.5 years had a huge fight after we were in a bar and I didn’t push away a stranger who tried kissing me in front of him whilst being excessively drunk. I never did anything of the sort and I honestly don’t know why I did that. I really love my ex. I terribly regretted what happened immediately and asked for forgiveness a million times already. At the time of the incident we were on a holiday so things were very awkward since we had a few extra days for our flight back home. He told me I broke his trust and wishes to end the relationship as he thinks he could never trust me again. At first he was very icy and didn’t even return my messages or calls. Finally I managed to break the ice and we started talking about casual things. He specifically said he doesn’t want a relationship in the near future but we can try being friends. We should be meeting for the first time since the incident next week.
He is still hurt about what happened and I am trying as much as possible to support him through the pain as what I did was not intentional and would have never dreamed of ever hurting him. I still dream about his surprised face and puppy eyes when he confronted me after my misbehaviour. Sometimes I just hope it’s a bad dream and everything turns the the way it was as I really blew it this time. I am thinking of trying to win back his trust by being friends and hopefully we would go back to where we were before as even after this thing happened he confessed he still loves me.. To be honest I am afraid and not sure I can do this as I am not a very patient person and hate being in a place where I don’t know where I am with someone, but I think this guy is worth fighting for.
Do you have any wise suggestions for this lone soldier?
Hi KN.
Your ex will probably need some time to process what happened.
If he drops his cold acts, he might converse with you properly. So when he does, be supportive and don’t push for commitment. Let it be his idea while you remain his best option.
For now, continue talking about casual things and try to get him to relax.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m having a similar situation with a guy I knew for a while professionally. We dated very briefly before he dumped me, explaining that he had too much going on and despite trying to develop feelings for me, it just wasn’t happening and that we perhaps weren’t a match. He was desperate to remain friends, however and I said I’d need time. He used to message now and again, but now after three months since the split he has been messaging me wondering where I am and wanting to see me. I’ve hung out with him a couple of times and we had a really good time as we get on so well. He is really hard to read and terrible at flirting or picking up signals though and I really don’t know where I stand with him.
I’m playing it cool, letting him do the chasing, and meeting him where he’s at in terms of contact.
I just don’t know where he’s at in his head or how to move this forward.
Would he behave this way if he just wanted to be friends and felt nothing for me?
Or is the reason he’s so desperate to keep me part of his life because he thinks he may want something more but isn’t quite ready?
Hi Deborah.
He probably needs you for emotional support.
I suggest you do what you need to make yourself happy.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I found your site and started reading through some articles. I don’t claim to know more than you about any of the psychology or advice surrounding dating but I do think that you use a lot of strong language in your articles about how things will unfold in a specific way. Not to say that statistically speaking or just generally speaking most breakups turn out with the two people completely losing contact but I just wanted to say that if you only talk about that happening and tell your readers that in the majority case it’ll be black and white it just makes it more likely to happen in the world. Sorry, some of this is confusingly explained but I just mean that I think that bringing up concessions about how you feel that most relationships will go and acknowledging the rarer nicer cases of breakups might be helpful idk
Hi Ankith.
Thank you for commenting.
First of all, I’d like to apologize for not acknowledging the nicer relationships and causing confusion. Unfortunately, as you say, modern breakups are often very black and white and stereotypical. The reason for that is because the couple is either together or not, friends or rivals, on talking terms or silent. By no means am I saying it will only go one way. Sometimes exes get along just fine, whether they were engaged, married or just a couple. From my observations, it depends on the emotional maturity of both individuals.
My goal is to bring clarity to breakups that end up hurting people, leaving them wondering about their exes’ behavior. Again, I apologize for not making that clear enough. I also offer tailored advice to those who believe their story is different from the articles and subjects I write about. They can contact me through the contact form.
Thank you for pointing things out.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m in NC for 2 months. We had a few weeks of contact post break. I did that thing you mentioned where I explained I couldn’t be friends due needing time to move forward. And indeed as you mentioned in the article, in one conversation before I went NC my ex said “I dont ring you because I know you don’t want to be friends”.
I guess there’s no getting out now I’ve said that those months back. Ideally I would’ve accepted friendship in words but followed the above. Kind of aware it feels like I’m in a huff and she doesn’t want to ring as she knows I “don’t want to be friends”. Even worse a big birthday for her is coming up and I’m primed to not reach out but it’s playing on my mind as feels like I’m appearing I’m still in some kind of huff making a point (that’s how she seemed about it when I said no to friends).
Hi Dave.
Don’t beat yourself up because accepting your ex’s friendship most likely wouldn’t work anyway. Just because she offered her friendship, doesn’t mean she actually wants that. It would also be incredibly difficult for you to be “just friends” with her as you would have too many expectations of her. You actually need NC to get over her, and so does she.
As I mention often, you would hear about who she’s dating and how happy she is. This would further hurt your ego and you’d feel down as a result. I think the best thing to do after you get broken up with is to accept the friendship right off the bat and go NC.
If you stayed in contact with her, you’d be forced to go no-contact after a while anyway – once she’d start giving you less attention or completely ignore you. I’d stay in no-contact for a while. And if you really want to be just friends with her for some reason in the future, you could perhaps reach out.
Zan