Updated on August 4, 2025
Sometimes, dumpers express the wish to be friends after the breakup. They say they miss having their ex in their lives and that they wish the breakup hadn’t split them up so much. By befriending their ex, they attempt to hold on to the non-romantic part of the relationship and make the breakup easier for themselves, not their ex. Their ex’s feelings don’t matter to them or matter as much as their feelings because their top priority is to assuage their guilt or obtain information or validation.
Whatever it is they want, it doesn’t help their broken-hearted ex process the breakup and feel better. Friendship merely confuses them, hinders their recovery, and makes them want to be with their ex more. Every time their ex says or shows that he or she misses spending time with them, they feel more anxious and scared, get their hopes up, and contemplate giving friendship a chance.
They completely ignore the fact that they’re not ready for friendship with the person who left them and that they should focus on getting over the breakup, not getting closer to their ex. Closeness is the reason they’re hurt, so they should keep their distance and allow time and space to fix their pain and damaged self-esteem.
If your ex wants you back as a friend, you might hear something like, “I’m sorry for hurting you. Let’s be friends, and we’ll see how things go. Maybe we’ll get back together in the future.”
Dumpers love to throw maybes around. They especially love talking about the possibility of reconciliation happening sometime in the future. The reason they talk this way is not because there’s a decent chance of changing their mind, but because they’re afraid of hurting or losing their ex. They don’t want to bring a negative reaction out of their ex, so they say hopeful things and ask to be friends.
During the breakup, many dumpers suggest staying friends even though they don’t want to be anywhere near their ex. Friendship is the only thing they can offer their ex during his or her biggest time of distress. They don’t know it’s disrespectful and unfair to their broken-hearted ex and that they can’t be friends with someone who still sees them romantically.
Despite that, they say they want to be friends—and in doing so, give their ex a tempting offer, one the dumpee may consider taking to slowly “win” the dumper back. The dumpee is often so anxious and scared of losing control that he or she agrees to friendship on the spot. By doing so, the dumpee allows him/herself to be friend-zoned and controlled by the dumper.
If the dumper is communicative, nice, and respectful, the dumpee feels validated. But if the dumper is unresponsive, mean, cold, angry, or dating someone else, the dumpee feels unwanted, played, and replaced.
Friendzone may seem tempting and better than nothing, but it’s far from it. It’s way healthier and better to walk away from your ex with your head held high and avoid holding on to your ex. If you focus on yourself instead of your ex, you’ll get your ex out of your head and regain inner peace much quicker. That’s because you won’t constantly feel tempted to impress your ex and make your ex regret breaking up with you.
You’ll simply focus on distraction, detachment, and growth—and continue to rely on yourself for joy, purpose, and self-love.
If you’re contemplating giving friendship a try, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “If I pretend to be my ex’s friend, maybe I can prove I’ve changed/that I’m a good person—and my ex will want me back. In the worst-case scenario, at least I’ll keep my ex in my life and hold on to the memories we shared together.”
Memories and temptations to prove yourself to someone who left you aren’t a good thing. They’re extremely bad for your healing as they fill your head with thoughts of your ex and constantly drive you to make your ex notice you and commit to you. They instruct you to gain your ex’s approval and stay emotionally hooked on your ex.
In a strange way, emotional dependence gives you a sense of control and makes you feel safe.
You have to find a way to break this dependence and feel safe without your ex’s presence and affection. You can do this by remembering that your ex isn’t and can’t be your friend. He or she is an ex, someone who lost feelings, interest, and commitment. If you befriend your ex when your ex just wants to move on to better things, you’ll continue to pursue your ex and feel rejected. You won’t recover or recover as fast as you can because you’ll experience reminders that your ex is doing fine without you and remains set on moving on.
When you finally understand that your ex doesn’t want you back and only wants to be friends or maintain appearances, you’ll know that friendships are for friends who want the same things from each other. They’re not for ex-partners who broke up and need time to get over each other.
Friendships with exes must be avoided at all costs. If you avoid them, you’ll save yourself the effort of trying to prove things to your ex, get close to your ex, and be with your ex. Instead of trying to change the outcome, you’ll accept the breakup and learn to be okay with it. Acceptance will ease your anxious mind and encourage you to walk away from people or things that no longer serve you.
So if your ex wants to be friends, and you feel tempted to use it to your advantage, remember that dumpers and dumpees can’t and shouldn’t attempt to be friends. They should give each other space, reflect on the breakup, grow as people, detach, and then figure out what they want and don’t want. If they want to be friends because they’re ready for it, they can be friends.
But they should keep in mind that it will likely complicate their next relationship.
Friendship with an ex is often impossible. I don’t suggest giving it a try soon or right after the end of a relationship. The end is meant for both parties to spend some time without each other and see if they miss each other as friends, partners, or neither.
In this post, we’ll discuss what to do if your ex wants to be friends after the breakup. Thanks for reading.
My dumper ex wants to be friends
If your dumper ex offers friendship during the breakup, bear in mind that it might be a pity offer. Your ex might not want to stay in touch but feels forced to do so because he or she sees that you’re hurt, scared, or in denial. Your ex likely wants to help him/herself feel better by helping you feel less abandoned and unwanted.
If your ex genuinely cares about you, your ex might offer closure and post-breakup assistance. He or she might invite you to reach out whenever you’re struggling to cope with the breakup and need a shoulder to lean on.
However, if your ex just wants to be friends to benefit from you, then your ex might offer friendship to keep you around for non-romantic purposes. This could be to receive certain benefits that only you can provide.
Some dumpers value the connection they built with their ex and don’t want it to go to waste. Preferably, they wish to hold on to it and, by doing so, string their ex along. It’s a selfish thing to do, considering how badly the dumpee craves validation and love.
Therefore, post-breakup friendship benefits the dumper, not the dumpee, as it gives the dumper the right to communicate with the dumpee without commitment. It enables him or her to hold on to the dumpee without giving the dumpee anything in return. The dumper may be kind and respectful, but that doesn’t make the dumpee happy.
The only thing that matters to the dumpee is a romantic relationship. Until the dumpee gets it, or as long as he or she feels hurt, he or she continues to put the dumper on the pedestal and feels an insatiable urge to get back together. Friendship doesn’t reduce the urge to bond and reconnect intimately. If anything, it increases it because it lets the dumpee get close to the dumper, but not as close as he or she would like to be.
The less affection the dumpee gets after the breakup during friendship, and the longer he or she waits, the less patient the dumpee becomes.
Eventually, most dumpees lose their cool and say or do something that crosses the friendship boundary and pushes the dumper away. Many dumpees bring up the reconciliation topic and, by doing so, overwhelm their ex with romantic expectations and show that they’re not ready for friendship.
That’s when friendship feels severely imbalanced and often ends.
If your ex wants to be friends days, weeks, or months after the breakup, your ex probably feels ready to talk again. Your ex has had enough space and time to process difficult breakup emotions and realized you’d make a nice friend. That said, don’t confuse friendship with romance. If you interpret your ex’s wish to converse as something romantic, you could start chasing your ex, thinking your ex will eventually come back around.
This kind of thinking will likely lead to disappointment and more pain, as your ex wouldn’t have offered friendship if he or she had romantic feelings for you. Your ex would have expressed regret and seemed to be in a hurry to get back together.
So don’t see friendship as a means to get back together. Very few dumpees get back with their ex by settling for less than they deserve. Those who get their ex back through friendship and communication stay hurt and hide their pain until their ex fails to find a better source of happiness elsewhere. That means they tolerate unwanted thoughts and feelings and stay hooked on their ex despite their ex not wanting to be with them.
Eventually, their ex realizes that he or she didn’t live the kind of life he or she expected to live without them and runs back to their ex for comfort, safety, and stability.
Their ex concludes that the life he or she had in the past was more fulfilling than the life he or she experienced after the breakup.
The point is, you don’t need to torture yourself by holding on to your ex as just a friend. If your ex can’t find a replacement for you and discovers your romantic worth, your ex will come back, whether you stayed in touch or not. The only problem is that you’ll likely make breakup mistakes if you hang around as a friend.
Your demeanor will reveal that you’ve agreed to friendship, not because you value the connection with your ex, but because you want to upgrade the friendship to a relationship. The realization that you want more will likely smother your ex, bring a bad reaction out of your ex, and lower your chances of reconciliation.
Hence, I urge you not to agree to friendship if your goal is to get back with your ex. Even if you just want to feel better, you should avoid acting like a friend. Friendship happens naturally when both parties detach and feel ready to support each other’s dating life. If you don’t support your ex’s dating life, you’re not ready to be friends and shouldn’t attempt to be.
Why does my dumper ex want to be friends?
Your dumper ex wants to be friends either because he/she feels bad or because your ex is ready for friendship. To be ready for friendship means to have no romantic feelings or expectations. Your ex is fully detached and doesn’t get hurt by you dating or wanting to date other people.
A wish to be just friends is all the proof you need that your ex has given up on wanting to be with you romantically and that you mustn’t ask your ex for romance when romance is the last thing he or she wants to give.
Remember that your ex wants friendship for personal, non-romantic reasons. None of those reasons have anything to do with love, regret, and fear of missing out. Your ex simply wants to keep you around for convenience and benefit from you in ways that he/she can.
As long as your ex sees value in being friends with you, your ex will try to befriend you/stay friends and get what he or she wants or needs.
Here are some reasons dumpers usually want to stay friends for.
- Boredom
- Guilt
- Habit
- Emotional/physical support
- Validation
- Advice
- Financial benefits
- Kids or other obligations
- Fear of loss
- Control over their ex
Don’t play with fire!
Your ex might like your personality and might have said that he or she doesn’t want to lose you, but don’t let your ex guilt-trip you into settling for something that will wound you badly. Don’t agree to be friends with an ex when you still have feelings and want your ex to be your romantic partner.
If you invite your ex into your life as just a friend, you’ll hurt your health and happiness and make your ex’s life better at your own cost.
It will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to be friends with your ex after the breakup. You’ll probably feel desperate to win your ex back and act needy and clingy. Your highly emotional state will tempt you to act on impulse and force you to do desperate things.
Things such as texting your ex in the evening to check up on your ex, inviting your ex out, and trying to make your ex jealous, insecure, or affectionate.
Friendship won’t patch your emotional wounds and encourage recovery. It can’t do that when your ex gives you attention and pulls away afterward. This push-pull dynamic is bound to drive you crazy and trigger a need to regain control. You won’t regain it as long as your ex has plans that don’t include you and treats you non-romantically.
Bear in mind that your ex could also start dating another person, making you experience hell on earth. By connecting with someone else and spending most of his or her time with that person, your ex could watch you invest in someone else, starve you of importance, and make you feel replaceable.
This could damage your fragile self-esteem and prolong your recovery. If you get super anxious, you could also get angry with your ex and push your ex closer to the new person. Anything could happen.
If you’re not ready for your ex to get romantically and/or sexually involved with someone else, friendship is the last thing you should agree to. It’s something that will make you feel miserable, not happy.
Think long and hard before accepting your ex’s friendship offer, handing over your remaining power, and giving your ex the ability to hurt you. If you become friends with your ex, you’ll essentially say that you’re okay with it and that you have no higher ambitions.
Now, you don’t need to tell your ex you want to get back together because that will pressure your ex. But you must be fair to yourself and do what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is to avoid putting yourself through hell.
As tempting as it may be to take your ex up on his or her offer, remember that your ex has lost feelings and that feelings don’t come back during friendship. You’ve probably heard of friendzone before and how hard it is to get out of it.
The term “friendzone” is usually used when a person gets romantically rejected and offered friendship instead, but the dynamic is similar to that with exes. Once you’ve been friend-zoned, you keep being reminded that you’re just friends and that nothing you say or do can change that.
A lack of romantic progress with your ex keeps you feeling miserable and stuck. It causes many dumpees to get into a heated argument with their ex and disband the friendship.
I don’t know what will happen to you if you agree to be friends with your ex, but I do know that you’ll stay unhappy and keep obsessing over your ex’s happiness. Your ex will remain your biggest source of unhappiness and the only person who can make the pain stop. This will go on until you detach and stop seeing your ex as your savior.
What does it usually mean when your ex wants to be friends with you?
During the breakup, it almost always (99.9%) of the time means that the dumper is trying to soften the blow. He or she doesn’t know how to ease your pain and his/her guilt, so the dumper suggests something that sounds good on paper. The dumper suggests being friends, but not the kind of friends where you regularly hang out and behave like close friends.
His or her generous offer is merely an act of mercy and pity. It’s something that temporarily makes both parties hopeful and happy, but causes tons of damage in the long run. Friendship overwhelms the dumper with expectations and strings the dumpee along. It’s far from being the ideal solution to deal with post-breakup blues and guilt.
Try to remember that most dumpers need space and aren’t interested in friendship. They’re way more interested in spending some time alone and seeing what else is out there and whether they’ve made the right decision. They’re convinced that they have, so they must be proven wrong. Usually, they become regretful when they meet someone who treats them badly and makes them nostalgic.
That’s when they decide whether they want to stay on the path they’re on or return to a former partner and rely on him or her for relationship benefits.
Since your ex isn’t interested in being your partner, it’s highly likely that he or she doesn’t want to be your friend either. Your ex likely just wants to chat when it’s convenient for him or her.
You need to understand that your ex either takes you back or doesn’t. There is no middle ground called friendship. Not when you’ve experienced intimacy and lost it afterward.
My ex wants to be friends months after the breakup
If your ex was cold and cruel during the breakup, your ex probably acted that way for a reason. It’s possible that he or she felt overwhelmed by your emotions and demands and couldn’t focus on connecting with other people.
Whether your ex was seeing someone else or merely felt smothered by your behavior or presence, your ex needed some time to cool off and see things more rationally. Your ex needed a few months to stop feeling relieved and develop the urge to talk/be friends.
Normally, when an ex comes back to invest in the relationship, he or she comes back for a reason – to get something or get rid of something. If it’s to get something, it’s love, and if it’s to get rid of something, it’s pain.
The same principle applies to dumpers wanting to be friends. When friendship is on the table, the dumper typically wants to hold on to you for the benefits friendship provides. It might mean that your ex is lonely, anxious, unhappy, confused, bored, or curious about you.
For some reason, your ex wants you to be available to him or her. Figure out why or simply say you’re not ready to be friends.
But my ex finally wants to talk to me!
I know you’re excited to hear from your ex (I was too when my ex first reached out), but this isn’t something to celebrate. Friendship isn’t a sign of progression toward a relationship. It’s a sign that your ex has processed some emotions and that he or she may be ready to chat once in a while. If you make your conversation romantic, you’ll see that celebrating friendship is pointless.
Your ex will still need to fail in some major way to reflect and want you back.
Exes come back when they’ve exhausted all other options and determined that they were much happier before. That’s when they want to bond as partners, not just friends, and commit to working on the relationship.
Whatever you do, don’t entertain your ex just because your ex misses you. Remember that there’s romantic and non-romantic missing. If your ex misses you romantically, your ex will appear sad and anxious and want to get back together. And if your ex just misses you non-romantically, your ex will talk about random things that have nothing to do with the relationship, breakup, or reconciliation.
The conversation will be pointless as it won’t lower your anxiety, depression, or obsession.
I encourage you to consider the friendship offer from your ex, neither good nor bad. It’s just a sign of your ex no longer needing space to function properly.
Try not to think about how friendship could help you get back with your ex. Instead, consider it something dumpers ask for when they think about their ex for a while and realize they want to keep some form of contact.
How can I turn it around?
We’ve finally gotten to the difficult part —the solution to turning things around with your ex. The truth is, you won’t climb out of the friend zone with your ex on your terms. You can be nice and friendly to your ex, solve your ex’s problems, do your ex favors, uplift your ex emotionally, and show improvements in terms of self-awareness, behavior, ambition, and life goals, but it still won’t change how your ex feels about you.
The problem is that your ex doesn’t care if you change. Your ex has a certain perception of you and has determined that being with you romantically doesn’t fulfill his or her wants and needs. Whether it’s your, your ex’s, or both your fault doesn’t matter because your ex thinks the breakup had to happen to liberate him or her from obligations and unwanted feelings.
You can’t make your ex develop feelings when all your ex wants is to self-prioritize and remain in control of his or her thoughts and feelings.
That may be disheartening to hear, but your ex must first change his or her mentality. Once your ex has changed it, your ex will come to you on his or her own. You won’t have to chase, humiliate yourself, and get your ex to see things your way.
Your ex left for a reason – to be happier. Let your ex be happier if not being with you allows your ex to be happier. You don’t have the right to decide what’s best for your ex. Your ex has the freedom to do nothing if that’s what he or she decides.
But if your ex doesn’t find the happiness he or she seeks and wants you back, make sure to take the time to get to know your ex. Don’t rush back into a relationship without addressing the reasons it ended.
Also, don’t agree to stay friends. Use this time to focus on yourself and become the best version of yourself. Your ex must see that you know your worth and that you won’t agree to something you can’t benefit from.
The “I must do something or I’ll never get my ex back” mindset
Most dumpees feel the need to do something and take back control. They don’t want to sit tight and wait for their ex to move on without them. That’s why they often accept friendship and consider it a chance to slowly win their ex back. Such dumpees sign up for weeks or months of torture as they receive mixed signals from their ex.
On good days, their ex compliments them or even flirts with them, and on bad days, their ex delays responses, ignores, or brings up the bad moments from the relationship. Dumpees go through emotional rollercoasters because of their ex and question their progress with their ex.
If you want what’s best for you, you must say no to friendship and refuse to act on the desire to control the breakup. You must consider your ex’s friendship a lack of romantic interest and mind your own business.
You won’t lose your ex more than you already have. But you will gain self-respect and perhaps even the respect of your ex. So build up the courage to sever the emotional attachment to your ex and love yourself more.
So what can I do when my ex finally wants to be friends?
Do what boosts your recovery and self-esteem and improves the image in your ex’s eyes. Your ex must see that you’re not interested in being friends and that you’re prioritizing your own health and well-being.
Your ex will see that not when you tell your ex, but when you show it through your actions. Your actions will reveal whether you’re focusing on yourself or your ex.
Some dumpees tell their ex, “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Contact me if you change your mind.” In a way, they stand up for themselves because they politely state they won’t settle for something so low.
That part is good. The bad part is that they ask their ex to reach out when he or she wants to get back together. By telling their ex they’ll continue to have hope and feelings for their ex, they give their ex more power than he or she needs.
Moreover, some dumpees also coldly reject their ex’s invitation. They appear unfriendly and make their ex feel strange.
You can either reject your ex’s friendship invitation by saying you need more time and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready, or accept the friendship but say you need more time before you’re ready to chat. Both responses should reject your ex politely and earn your ex’s respect.
You’ll be okay as long as you communicate your need for space respectfully.
What if my dumpee ex wants to be friends?
If your ex is the dumpee and wants to be friends, consider how much time has passed since the breakup. If your ex suggested friendship on day one or within a few weeks or months, it’s likely your ex isn’t ready for friendship. Your ex is asking for it out of pain, anxiety, and a loss of control.
You shouldn’t start chatting with your ex and act like the breakup never happened. Consider your ex’s feelings instead and ask your ex if he or she is ready to be just friends. Warn your ex that you’re set on leaving things as they are and that he or she must do the same.
You can agree to be friends, but be sure to respect and maintain clear boundaries. Neither you nor your ex should cross those boundaries and make each other feel emotions you’re not ready for.
If you’re not sure what to do, but you know you’re not ready to talk, you can simply say that you appreciate him or her wanting to chat, but that it’s too soon for you. It’s especially too soon for your ex.
Your ex will probably feel rejected, but there’s no way around it. All you can do is express yourself politely and hope that your ex gives up on being friends while you’re both still processing the breakup.
Does your ex want to be friends, and you don’t know why? How did your ex express this to you? Share your ex’s way of asking for friendship in the comments section below.
However, if you’re looking for help with an ex who wants to be friends, reach out directly to us. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees understand what went wrong and provide them with the tools to navigate and heal from the breakup.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan,
I hope you can reply to me.
Thank you for your article it was helpful.
I am in a bit of a strange situation.
I developed feelings for a superior (I’m older than he is, prefer not to mention in which context). He asked we be friends only as it was wrong to date. But with time we were practically together all the time, inseparable: shopping together, going to events together, cooking together, sleeping together…etc. and he did not really mind that I told several people we were dating. Yet, whenever we had “The Talk”, he would insist we were friends only. The issue started to bother him, as well as me.
I realize I was an idiot and should have insisted on moving on from the start, but every time I tried to break off the so-called friendship he would win me back by talking to me and telling me how much he valued me and did not wish to lose me.
Ultimately, he tells me that he saw other people on dates during our time together. Of course, he reminded me we were always just friends.
One day, he invented a story, to finally shut me out of his life, and blocked me everywhere. Of course, you know and I know how humiliating and disrespectful that was towards me. I was practically treated like garbage by the one person I had “loved?” the most, and invested so much in. By then, I could not really let go of him.
I suffered for five weeks, but on the day I assumed I moved on and woke up not wishing to die for the first time in month and a half, he sends me a Whatsapp message to thank me for a gift I had sent immediately after “the breakup”, I decided to wait for a day before I replied to find the best response, exactly 24 hours later he blocks me back there.
This is when all hell broke loose with me. I could not endorse six more weeks of torture, because that is how long it took me the first time. I literary crashed. My well-thought-of response to his message suddenly became of no value, I sent him several emails practically begging him to let me back into his life. He finally unblocked me a week later, told me we will never be friends, but that he will always be there, and that he was not to be controlled by me (he took my no response to his message as a sign of me asserting control).
Given the circumstances, one who had not respected me during our time together nor our “break up”, but at the same time probably felt sorry for me so he allowed me back, and given the fact that he never acknowledged our time together as having been dating, but also given the fact that I had never experienced these feelings I had for him, the fact that I worship everything he added to my life (he is very much like a religious guru although not one), how can I turn around everything? I really do not want to lose him again, and want him to finally acknowledge that we were together, and want him back, except better…
Hi Zan,
My ex and I are since a year no longer together. Since our breakup she get back to live far from me, in the city she comes from, where her family and friends are. It was a great thing being together, we were both independent but we went searching for a place to live together, where we could make what we love, trying to get a child.
She get a very hard job as freelancer witch went wrong. She was really down in that time and I did a lot to support her and to make her easier, I felt so bad finding her in such troubles and maybe I did too much in a time she needed less. I did not felt well anymore and not wanted anymore. Within tree month of seeing our relationship going down and down, I decided to make a break, to get back to myself. I did not went well with the way I was behaving with her anymore. I told her that she is the most important person of my life, that I don´t want to loose her. That I cannot stand seeing our dreams going away from us one after the other. I told her that it is the most difficult decision I made in my life going away from her because I love her, and that I know that if I don´t go now, I will loose her soon definitly. We both cried a lot, she told me that she understands, that he don´t know what is happening to her and that she needs that time too.
As we were in the break, we were still weekly in contact, I was very depressed, she was way much important to me as it should have be, that was not normal, it was to the point that my happiness was bound to her and that was bad. We used to talk and to go out together from time to time. Eventually her job when to an end and things went better. After a while she asked me if I wanted to come with her for the wedding of a good friend of her. It was going well between us and I thought that she wanted to have me back, I accepted and went to the wedding with her. We were there as we were together again. She told me that she hoped so much that her feeling to me would be again as they were before but that did not happened. She told me that she don´t love me anymore and it was over.
I felt so lost. I did not understood what happened to us. She told me that the problem is her, that she feels lost and that I mean very much to her. I did not expected to loose her at all and even less on that day, everything looked like the she wanted me back, I could not understand why she invited me to the wedding as her partner when she did not loves me. And I was angry about me too not being able to keep the one I love to me.
I decided to move to the place where we wanted to live together. It was a lot to do there, making that place as good as we wanted it to be alone was hard but it meant so much to me, it was where I wanted to be and I was not ready to loose that too. It was so good for me to move there. I felt way better than I was before, had time to take care about me again and to come on my feet again.
We had very few contacts, she was often the one who were asking for news or giving news. Two month passes. I had still stuff from her in my place that I did not wanted to see anymore, I wanted to go forward. I called her to ask her to come for it but I found her crying on the phone, she had a ball in the brest and was waiting for the diagnostic, scared for her life. I though she was going to die. I had her on the phone everyday the next days, I was so scared loosing her for real, I could not sleep, and wanted to come to her. At the end it was something else, she was out of danger. She was grateful that she could feel me next to her those days and we decided to go for a trip together to make the switch and have some good time together again. She came to me after our trip to get her stuff, she saw the place again where we wanted to live together and what I did out of it. She was very emotional on that day, she told me that she went to her doctor, that he could not explain why she get what she had, and that he thinks that it can be eventually explained by psychic states. She told me that her doctor asked her if she lost someone that means a lot to her.
She did not had to tell me that. She loves me but there is something wrong and I don´t know what. She could have stay a single day, take her stuff and go directly but she stayed for a week with me.
After six month she get the opportunity to work again in my city. She called me and asked if she could move to me for those two month, if I was ready to live with her as friend. I was happy about it, it was summer and it was also good for me to share the costs of the flat on that period. She came and we had really good time together, we had time to speak a lot. She told me that she still feels desoriented, that she has trouble about turning fourty, that she want to stop moving from city to city with each of her jobs, that she want and is seeking for a place where she could feel belonging to. She had a few position proposal in different cities and she told me that she was also seeking here. She get a proposal from the company she was working for as freelancer. And she asked me if we want to live together.
I told her that I don´t know if it is good for me and for both of us to do so. I told her that I am in love with her and that she is the only one person I would accept to live here with. I told her that if we live together as friend we will have trouble to meet new people and live new love stories. And that if someone come to the life of one of us, the one will feel troubled bringing this person at home.
I told her that I will be very happy to have her here but that she need to think about all of this again.
A week after she told me that she wanted that too.
We are now leaving together since almost six month. We have good time and difficult times together. We don´t speak about our past and I don´t think much about it. I am ready to give her the time she needs now and I am grateful that we broke because it was necessary to me to become something better than I was before. I am in love with her now and maybe more than before. I don´t speak about it with my friends and family because I don´t want them to know everything about us. That´s my story and I feel a little bit alone with it sometimes. Sometimes you have to choose between two things that you did not planned with before, It is not easy everyday and I knew that from the beginning. I just took a decision, to give her a place next to me, and do everything I can to make out it the right thing I possible could do.
Lou
So my ex gf broke up with me just over a week ago. We dated for a year and 2 months. She said she really is sorry and still loves me and that it is still early days and what will be will be. She wants to be friends with me and texted me briefly each day after the breakup for about 3 days. On the 3rd day after the breakup she said we need space so that we can heal quicker and be friends again. So right now we are doing the no contact thing. I actually ran into her on a night out with friends and she pretended I wasnt there and ignored me even though I seen her glance over at me a few times. I am going to let her initiate contact first. So right now I’m just laying low.
Hi there I would like some advice on this one
My ex of 3 years dumped me a month ago. We lived together briefly and he dumped me due to “family issues” but still blamed me for the break up. We briefly spoke to each other about us and he said if he could take me back he would and claims he still loves me but during that conversation he said that the whole ordeal could take a year and asked me if I’m willing to wait I would, I agreed (stupidly I know). He knows how I feel about him but I don’t want to be put on the back burner.
Since I still have friends in his home town I took a shot and asked him out for coffee, he instantly agreed. The messages are quite hot and cold. He double checked yesterday that I was still free and I kept the conversation short as possible. He doesn’t message me or check up on me anymore.
I am struggling on how to approach this coffee with him. I am prepared for both outcomes. He’s got it in his mind that we are on good terms (friends) but my reality is I want to know his intentions, so I can move on. I am moving back in a year to his home town again and he replied with “perfect timing then :)”, he wants me to keep in contact with him throughout the year as well but I know in my heart I need to move on.
I don’t understand why he’s agreed to meet up with me. I feel that in my gut, I’m just being strung along.
Hi Zan, I recently broke up with my wife. The reason is bc i mistreated her and we argued about it a lot. I tried to change and continued to give me a chance but the whole while she was talking to another man. They’ve only been talking for about 2 months, and the guy and I are both deployed, so none of us can actually be with her. When we broke up. She apologized for breaking my heart, she told me she still loves me, she said maybe if circumstances change, we may be able to work it out some day. But since then, ive begged, ive talked about her new bf, ive tried to cut contact only to come back the next day and tell her i love her. Shes always wanted to remain friends and we are still talking as friends. She contacts me everyday still, she still says she loves me and misses me(even though weve talked everyday since the breakup). She knows im getting better and trying to solve the problems that broke us up in the first place and even offered to help me. But she talks about her new bf a lot, bragging about his d, what theyre going to do, wanting to move in with him after he gets home and he pcss to hawaii. She even vents to me about not really wanting to get serious with him. We were best friends for 6 years, married and in a relationship for a total of a year. I cant go back to being friends. I want to fix my marriage. What should i do?
I realize this is a long one, but I don’t know how to say this otherwise, because a lot has happened. Also, English isn’t my native language so I hope everything was clear.
So, little over a month ago, my ex broke up with me after 4,5 years. The biggest reason she did was because I wasn’t independent enough. I wasn’t happy when she broke up, but I did understand her, I tried, but I knew I couldn’t give her what she wanted.
For the next couple of days we didn’t text each other until she asked me if we could meet. We did and she basically admitted she wasn’t sure whether she should have broken up with me and pretty much started planning things we could do together, so I started thinking things would turn out fine in the end. We started texting again until one evening she called me and said she still wasn’t sure what to do and thought we had both changed a lot in those 4 years and maybe we just needed to get to know each other again. So we agreed to meet the following day.
Before we met up however, she texted me she wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea to meet, because she didn’t want to meet with the wrong intentions. I told her we could just meet as friends and so we did. Afterwards I wish we hadn’t because I found it surprisingly hard to pretend I wasn’t hurt. I tried to hide the way I felt, but she could just see right through me. When I got home she texted me that we couldn’t do that anymore because she didn’t want to hurt me any more than she already had.
That’s when I completely crashed and I ignored her the rest of the day. Apparently she texted my mom that night to find out i I was alright, but I only found out about that much later. When we texted again after that, something had changed and she seemed very distant at first and a couple days later she didn’t want me to contact her at all. She didn’t tell me right away, but she later told me she had found someone else. To be honest, hearing that wasn’t as hard as I would have expected. I mean, it was at first, but afterwards I didn’t feel too terrible. I finally felt like I had to let go, and the following week I felt like I was finally ready to.
Well, we play theater together, so it’s kind of impossible to ignore her completely, so when I saw her again 7 days later, I was surprised to see that she wasn’t mad at me or anything and we could talk really well. I wanted to ask her if we could meet again someday to talk about everything (I didn’t specify when, but I meant in 4 months or something), but I knew I shouldn’t ask her, so I only kind of did and felt really bad afterwards. She thought something was wrong that I wanted to talk about and I tried to assure her nothing was wrong.
The next evening I got a message from her new boyfriend. He wanted to know what I was up to. And I tried to reassure him I wasn’t trying to get her back (which I believe was true). At first I thought he was just mad because I wanted to meet up with her, but then he tried to get me jealous by talking about them having sex and things like that and I realized the only thing he was after was to get me angry so I decided not to give him that and be as nice as I could. He just started insulting me and I knew my ex wouldn’t be happy with what he sent, so I texted her and at first that seemed like a big mistake because apparently they were together and he just started insulting me more when he found out I texted her. So I asked him if she knew the things he sent and he said she did.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so terrible, mostly I was disappointed in her and I started doubting everything about her because the person I had known wouldn’t have been okay with all that. I decided to ignore them both because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.
That night she suddenly texted me again and she basically said she was sorry for everything and she genuinely didn’t know the things he had sent and when she found out she broke up with him, because he wasn’t healthy for her and anyone around her. That night she sent me she missed me, and I was kind of happy, but I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up. We texted until late in the night that night and she asked me to meet up again.
When we actually did though, she seemed very different, distant again. She did tell me she knew it was a mistake to jump into a new relationship right after ours had ended, but she just didn’t want to be alone. I told her everything I wanted to, but perhaps I was coming across as too needy and afterwards she texted me that she just didn’t want to give me any false hope. So I thought it’d be better to protect myself and I just told her I didn’t want any contact so I could move on. She replied with a simple okay and I hoped she understood.
I really tried my best, but last Monday (only 4 days later), we were at the theater again. Or well, she wasn’t but her father was. I heard him say to someone that she was very sick and so I broke the no contact again because I didn’t want to seem cold and I wanted to know how she was. I wasn’t sure whether I should have done that, because I knew it was just an excuse to text her again, but she actually seemed happy I was concerned and she started texting me again. We did so for half an hour until I told her I wanted the no contact rule not because I was angry or something, but because I couldn’t move on if we didn’t. She understood, so now, we’re under our no contact rule again.
I’m not sure if this is what we’re supposed to do though. It seems like she’s always happy to text me or talk to me after we haven’t had any contact for a couple days. But if she really doesn’t want any relationship anymore, maybe it really is better, so I can try to move on.
If we have any contact again for some reason, would it be best not to tell her to have no contact, but still act like we don’t have any contact, so she can text me when she wants to, but I won’t initiate contact. Is this the best course of action or have things just gone too far already? Also I’m trying to become more independent in the meantime, even if I can’t get her back, it won’t hurt to be a little more independent, because I don’t think anyone would find that attractive.
Hi
Thanks for the article and merry christmas, my ex and I broke up a year and a bit ago, we were together for five years, to this date we still own a house together, although renting out to tenants at the moment. He has offered on multiple times to give me all the house assets without payment eh says “i deserve it” , so i know the reason behind us talking isn’t because of the home ownership.
He ended the relationship after an argument. The relationship broke down when we moved to another country that was foreign to both of us.
Since to date, other than the first two weeks of the breakup, we’ve never gone one week without speaking to each other, at first it was by text(every two/three days), calls, then two months after the breakup, it turned to visits. He visits my home once a week, we watch tv and cook, sometimes we might go to cafe in town. There hasn’t been any romance other than a prolonged hugs he asks for each time he leaves. He normally initiates the text messages when we apart, if i don’t respond, he gets anxious on whether i am OK.
He is very hard headed when he makes decisions and rarely backs down from them, Ive brought up the conversation once or twice of us getting back together, he shuts down, and changes the subject, then states “I dont want anyone” or “i don’t want to depend on anyone”. its funny he said that as I feel that he was a little dependent on me in the relationship, i.e. me managing the mortgage, making financial decisions ect. I asked him, do you not love me, he said “of course I do”. recently i decided to go back home, which is where we met (3hr flight from the country i am in now), because, even though he comes over each week, the country just doesnt feel like home to me, and i dont want to feel as though my life is waiting for his visits each week or for him to change his mind.
Now he knows that I am leaving this country within a month, he has asked whether he could book a flight to come to stay with me for the easter weekend, he wants to keep this connection going and to be honest I dont want to let him go completely either, I have never had this situation with an ex partner, i dont know what we are right now, i cant call an ex a friend, do you have any advise.
I had a relationship with my ex for almost 2 years. A month and half ago he ended things with me saying he was insecure and couldn’t be in a relationship. There were other factors as well (he wasn’t treating his depression or anxiety). I recently broke no contact after receiving what I thought were mixed signals. He checked my LinkedIn daily for 2 weeks which would notify me of views. I haven’t updated page in over year. After asking directly if he was trying to communicate he responded “no.sorry”. I gracefully said ok and hope all is well. A few days passed and I took the leap to ask him for coffee. He responded by saying “we are not together anymore.is that a good idea? You were the one who once told me you couldn’t be friends with exes”. I just responded by saying “I know we aren’t together anymore. It’s just coffee”. He gave me a date he would return stateside (he is away visiting family). Is this meet up worth it ? If I want to be more than friends and rebuild. Do u think he will be receptive to building or never want to be anything more?
So my partner and I of about 4 years broke up about a month ago. I moved out of the home we shared for 2.
I went NC and have been doing things I want to do to rebuild my life. My ex asked if we ” could just be friends” or ” start there” cause he values me in his life as his best friend.
I told him, ” I would always be his friend and I would be but I didnt want to be ‘just friends.’ He said he knew that. We have sing casually hung out like grab Ice cream and watch a tv show but to be honest I’m not sure I can just be friends. If we would get there eventually why would we not do those things casually dating?
I’m trying to decide if no contact or pretending like nothing is the way to go.
Hi,
Really weird situation here that I cannot explain. My ex and I dated for nearly 6 years, all through college. It was a great, healthy relationship. Suddenly she ends things with me saying that she just fell out of it and stopped caring as much. I handled it well and didn’t reach out much at all. Fast forward 5 months later, we finally live in the same city. She reaches out to me all of the time, makes plans for us, will even cook dinner, texts and calls a lot. Most of the time she initiates contact. We have talked about us briefly when I first moved here but not really since. She does all of this but won’t make a move to a serious thing. I refuse to make the move, it’s not my responsibility. I love her but may have to break this off. What do you suggest to do to make this work.
Hi John.
It was her idea to leave you, so it has to be hers to come back.
Don’t make the job easier on her or she’ll never learn to fight for you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex wanting to be friends was all done in text message. No Oovoo calls, or Skype like we used to. She lives in Boston, I live in Miami.
After a few days of breaking up and declining to be her friend, she was already posting she was officially with someone else and how happy she was. Amy tried to make me question my accusations by saying I was jealous. How can someone move on in 3 days so quickly into a romantic relationship is the deepest question this story has. I was crying for days, and all I could think about was her. Waking up so early in the morning when she would usually send me a message. Was she getting the help she needed for her mental health kept repeating in my mind. I am posting this for people who are asking themselves, “Why does my ex want to be friends?” In reality, these people are not worth being our friends. Do not even think the word “friend” and apply it to them.
A majority of close personnel in my life say this is a “rebound” relationship, monkey-branching from me to the new person. But I do not know, and will never know how long it was planned for. Being far away from each other must have contributed to her wanting to see other people close to her to fulfill her needs (sex, attention, whatever). Since I was not around physically and could only meet every few or so months, I was not there to see what she was doing behind closed doors or on her phone. The distance was not working out for her and wanted to be my friend as a compromise, or “soft-blow” as I loved her very much so.
After months of reflection not speaking to her I learned that despite us being happy in earlier times she is not the person I am meant to be with. It was good while it lasted but now it is not. If someone loves you, they will not turn your heart away from theirs. If they want to be with you, they will figure out a plan dealing with their own problems, and make the relationship work. You won’t question their feelings about you, they will make it known they will do anything to make the relationship between you two work. That is what a true woman, and man do. Distance won’t be an excuse for breaking up. Asking to be a friend after all you two did together is very disrespectful, especially when your heart still has romantic feelings for them. It is not fair, and one should not feel they are being put on the back-burner. Everyone deserves to feel like they come first.
Hi Zan,
I was wondering if you could give some advice about how to stay out of the friend-zone.
My ex and I dated for about 4 months and the break-up was pretty amicable, for a while. I accepted his invitation to remain friends when he broke up with me, but things went sour when we ran into each other at a concert and he became jealous of a friend that I was with who happens to be male. I stopped all contact with him after that and did no-contact for 5 months.
We ran into each other at another concert last month and exchanged pleasantries. He was really excited to see me and I casually said that we should catch up sometime and he agreed and texted me that night to make plans.
We got coffee together and talked about everything new in our lives and reminisced about all the good things that happened while we were together. We laughed a lot together and he even opened up and told me things about his life I didn’t know even when we dated.
We text each other quite a bit since then, a couple times a week. I still have strong feelings for him and don’t want to get stuck in the friend-zone. How can I make sure I don’t get stuck?
Thanks for your help!
Hi Courtney.
You first need to understand that your relationship ended in just 4 months. This can’t even be considered a long-term relationship.
That’s why I’d like you to know that getting stuck in a friend zone isn’t your main concern right now. You should try to figure out why he lost feelings for you and whether he ever even truly loved you.
I think that he didn’t because it lasted merely for 4 months. Something put him off so take some time away from him and try to understand what that is first.
When you do, fix your shortcomings and be your best self. It’s the most you can do.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Your tips on becoming friends with an ex helped me sort things out in my head. However, I would still love a confirmation from you. He broke up with me stating he has different priorities now and won’t be able to give me as much time like before. It was a 2 month relationship. And I was too much in love with him already. During the breakup moment, he asked me if we could continue to be friends. And I disagreed in the heat of the moment. Post zero communication for 3 days, he came back to me troubled asking why I wasn’t talking to him anymore. We discussed a few things. And I agreed to stay friends with him. Its been 3 weeks now. We continue to have minimal conversations. He keeps checking on me. But I do not understand his thoughts about me. Iam confused. If you could help?
he dumped me and all his friend slowly came in my dms. And I addressed this to him so I assumed he was over sharing so I reached out to him. We spoke a few times about that matter and he stopped replying back to me because he assumed I wanted to get back together. Fast forward two months 3 days ago he asked to be friends again and he casually asks me if I have a roaster (I guess trying to figure out if I’m talking to anyone) and at some point in the conversation he brought up a date he went on…I was shocked because he already moved on. And I brought up how he’s already dating and he goes ah fck I know I jumped back “in” I felt shitty but I’m not ready. And I cope with jokes so I just said your crazy for msging me now. Let this marinate for a bit a year maybe regroup and be friends. He goes “get your shit together and I’ll do the same and if it’s meant to be we’ll see”. He said this and in my head I was annoyed because he originally said our future plans don’t align and we aren’t right for eachother. So why say that? Does he mean it. I told him I can’t be friends I still have feelings
Hi Zay.
All your ex did was give you false hope, so don’t take his words seriously.
He doesn’t mean it he’s talking about a year from now. It’s an undefined time.
That’s why you must focus on getting over him because he’s not coming back anytime soon.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your blog. I was with my boyfriend for 3,5 years. And half a year ago my boyfriend left the country to travel. I visited him after 2 months and he is still in another country. About one and half a month ago he said to me he didn’t want to talk to me because he didn’t know if he still wanted to be in a relationship with me. Nothing happened between us or anything. Recently he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said he still cares a lot about me and misses me but he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t see a future with me but wants to stay friends with me and that I always could talk to him about anything if I have problems. He is still in another country but at the end of the month he will be back and he wants to see me them. I really do love him and I dont know what to do anymore if I should stay friends and if talking with him after all these months we didn’t see each other is a good idea.i hope you have some advise for me.
Hi Cynthia.
Staying friends with him would be disastrous for as long as you have feelings for him.
That’s why the best advice I can give you is to focus strongly on yourselr and wait for him to want to talk to you.
The fact that he isn’t conversing with you right now means that he’s busy with his own life.
Stay strong,
Zan
Well, I was married for 33 years when my husband left me for another woman, he was also severely depressed at the time. I had lost my father around the same time too.
He had a holiday on his own and had apparently met this woman while he was away. I now believe he met her online and wanted to meet her in person. At the time he was talking to a lot of women online.
After he left we exchanged quite a few heated emails. I was devastated and completely handled it the wrong way. I now know I should have gone no contact.
So last year ( two years into the separation and 7 months after I had last contacted him. I had become angry over a remark he had made so I had decided it wasn’t even worth a reply) he emailed me saying it didn’t make sense not to have some form of contact, he was now in a better place although he still didn’t know where his life was going and he didn’t want to go over old ground. He also didn’t want regular contact, but if I didn’t want to reply then that was fine too!
He sounded totally confused. And it did me no good hearing from him. I emailed back that I couldn’t be just friends and would prefer no contact ( as it’s my way of coping )
I have been stupidly ruminating for a year over this email. I know he’s still with the same woman. We have two adult children.
I just wonder what he was getting at ?
Lovely and informative article. I am currently in the same boat. Me and my ex of 2.5 years had a huge fight after we were in a bar and I didn’t push away a stranger who tried kissing me in front of him whilst being excessively drunk. I never did anything of the sort and I honestly don’t know why I did that. I really love my ex. I terribly regretted what happened immediately and asked for forgiveness a million times already. At the time of the incident we were on a holiday so things were very awkward since we had a few extra days for our flight back home. He told me I broke his trust and wishes to end the relationship as he thinks he could never trust me again. At first he was very icy and didn’t even return my messages or calls. Finally I managed to break the ice and we started talking about casual things. He specifically said he doesn’t want a relationship in the near future but we can try being friends. We should be meeting for the first time since the incident next week.
He is still hurt about what happened and I am trying as much as possible to support him through the pain as what I did was not intentional and would have never dreamed of ever hurting him. I still dream about his surprised face and puppy eyes when he confronted me after my misbehaviour. Sometimes I just hope it’s a bad dream and everything turns the the way it was as I really blew it this time. I am thinking of trying to win back his trust by being friends and hopefully we would go back to where we were before as even after this thing happened he confessed he still loves me.. To be honest I am afraid and not sure I can do this as I am not a very patient person and hate being in a place where I don’t know where I am with someone, but I think this guy is worth fighting for.
Do you have any wise suggestions for this lone soldier?
Hi KN.
Your ex will probably need some time to process what happened.
If he drops his cold acts, he might converse with you properly. So when he does, be supportive and don’t push for commitment. Let it be his idea while you remain his best option.
For now, continue talking about casual things and try to get him to relax.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m having a similar situation with a guy I knew for a while professionally. We dated very briefly before he dumped me, explaining that he had too much going on and despite trying to develop feelings for me, it just wasn’t happening and that we perhaps weren’t a match. He was desperate to remain friends, however and I said I’d need time. He used to message now and again, but now after three months since the split he has been messaging me wondering where I am and wanting to see me. I’ve hung out with him a couple of times and we had a really good time as we get on so well. He is really hard to read and terrible at flirting or picking up signals though and I really don’t know where I stand with him.
I’m playing it cool, letting him do the chasing, and meeting him where he’s at in terms of contact.
I just don’t know where he’s at in his head or how to move this forward.
Would he behave this way if he just wanted to be friends and felt nothing for me?
Or is the reason he’s so desperate to keep me part of his life because he thinks he may want something more but isn’t quite ready?
Hi Deborah.
He probably needs you for emotional support.
I suggest you do what you need to make yourself happy.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I found your site and started reading through some articles. I don’t claim to know more than you about any of the psychology or advice surrounding dating but I do think that you use a lot of strong language in your articles about how things will unfold in a specific way. Not to say that statistically speaking or just generally speaking most breakups turn out with the two people completely losing contact but I just wanted to say that if you only talk about that happening and tell your readers that in the majority case it’ll be black and white it just makes it more likely to happen in the world. Sorry, some of this is confusingly explained but I just mean that I think that bringing up concessions about how you feel that most relationships will go and acknowledging the rarer nicer cases of breakups might be helpful idk
Hi Ankith.
Thank you for commenting.
First of all, I’d like to apologize for not acknowledging the nicer relationships and causing confusion. Unfortunately, as you say, modern breakups are often very black and white and stereotypical. The reason for that is because the couple is either together or not, friends or rivals, on talking terms or silent. By no means am I saying it will only go one way. Sometimes exes get along just fine, whether they were engaged, married or just a couple. From my observations, it depends on the emotional maturity of both individuals.
My goal is to bring clarity to breakups that end up hurting people, leaving them wondering about their exes’ behavior. Again, I apologize for not making that clear enough. I also offer tailored advice to those who believe their story is different from the articles and subjects I write about. They can contact me through the contact form.
Thank you for pointing things out.
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m in NC for 2 months. We had a few weeks of contact post break. I did that thing you mentioned where I explained I couldn’t be friends due needing time to move forward. And indeed as you mentioned in the article, in one conversation before I went NC my ex said “I dont ring you because I know you don’t want to be friends”.
I guess there’s no getting out now I’ve said that those months back. Ideally I would’ve accepted friendship in words but followed the above. Kind of aware it feels like I’m in a huff and she doesn’t want to ring as she knows I “don’t want to be friends”. Even worse a big birthday for her is coming up and I’m primed to not reach out but it’s playing on my mind as feels like I’m appearing I’m still in some kind of huff making a point (that’s how she seemed about it when I said no to friends).
Hi Dave.
Don’t beat yourself up because accepting your ex’s friendship most likely wouldn’t work anyway. Just because she offered her friendship, doesn’t mean she actually wants that. It would also be incredibly difficult for you to be “just friends” with her as you would have too many expectations of her. You actually need NC to get over her, and so does she.
As I mention often, you would hear about who she’s dating and how happy she is. This would further hurt your ego and you’d feel down as a result. I think the best thing to do after you get broken up with is to accept the friendship right off the bat and go NC.
If you stayed in contact with her, you’d be forced to go no-contact after a while anyway – once she’d start giving you less attention or completely ignore you. I’d stay in no-contact for a while. And if you really want to be just friends with her for some reason in the future, you could perhaps reach out.
Zan