Sometimes exes will want to be friends shortly/right after the breakup. To be honest, this strange phenomenon does not occur very often. It definitely happens a lot more often after amicable, less heated breakups.
You will hear something like, “I’m sad for breaking your heart. Let’s be friends for now, and we’ll see where we stand later. Maybe we will end up together again in the future.”
You and I know the dreadful friend zone doesn’t sound one bit enticing. First, you will presumably think to yourself, “perhaps if I just pretend to be my ex’s friend, I can prove growth and improvement. If not, at the very least I will keep my ex in my life. I’m so happy my ex wants to be friends and doesn’t despise me.”
Because you’ve dedicated so much time to this person, and you feel uneasy towards him or her, you believe the friendship you were offered is a steal. The mix of anxiety and fear of loss, genuinely make you think this is a once in a lifetime opportunity — a bargain deal, meant for you to take it. In reality, it’s much, much less than that.
I would describe the gift of friendship from your ex similar to getting that 50th pair of socks for Christmas. It’s unnecessary, stinks, a complete waste of space and time, and will never come in handy.
Making a deal with the devil
First of all, it’s going to be almost impossible to be friends with your ex right after the breakup. You will be way too needy and want your ex like crazy. Your highly emotional state during the breakup would make you act on impulse and force you to do uncontrollable things. Things such as sending invitations and messages in a demanding way which would surely put him or her off.
Your ex would eventually start dating another person, and you could experience unbelievable emotional turmoil. Staying friends with your ex
The second reason why staying friends with your ex
Accepting this offer is a sign of appallingly low self-esteem and confidence. Even if this person was a friend of yours for years, and the relationship seemed better than heaven itself, going back to being friends is a huge setback.
It doesn’t matter whether he’s the only “friend” in your life, and how much you’ve bent over backward for him or her in the past. All of that has been erased as quickly as you can say whoops. What matters is here and now, and not the promises that have been made when the relationship was on the rise.
Things like “we’ll always be together and stay friends for life if we breakup” are irrelevant. Look at how you are being treated and ask yourself if staying friends with your ex really
The most important reason why staying friends with your ex wouldn’t work is because of your ex and his need for space. He will not provide you with the same amount of attention as before when you were in a relationship.
Something tells me the sound of that doesn’t make you exuberantly happy, as you now want even more than before, while your ex wants less or none. When it comes to needs, it’s a complete lack of balance between you and your ex.
What does it really mean when your ex wants to be friends with you?
Most of the time (99.9%) of the time, dumpers suggest friendship just to soften the blow. This generous
They just want out completely — especially if the time around the breakup wasn’t that nice. When one doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you because of incompatibilities and disagreements, there’s no way this person would feel the need for friendship with you.
The breakup doesn’t entail just the physical split, but rather a complete separation from each other. Unfortunately, it’s a black or white situation. Your partner either wants to be with you or doesn’t want to see you at all.
Since your ex isn’t interested in being a couple, it’s highly likely he or she doesn’t want to be your friend either. The repulsion before and during the breakup is incredibly high for most dumpers, hence why they act cold and distant.
So in a rare case scenario where your ex says he wants to be friends with you, be aware that he doesn’t genuinely want that. He simply doesn’t like hurting you and feels bad for breaking your heart. Besides, deep down in your heart, you know that you don’t want that either. You’re either all in or all out. There is no middle ground when it comes to exes.
My ex wants to be friends months after the breakup
If your ex was cold and cruel during the breakup, he probably acted that way for a reason. It’s possible he started seeing/talking to other people and got a huge raise to the ego. Whatever the case, months later, he is now sending you messages and friend requests out of nowhere.
The reason for that could be that his new friends aren’t as great as he thought or perhaps there are other issues he is currently facing.
Normally when an ex comes back, he comes back for something. In short, it’s validation he seeks because something or rather someone isn’t working out in his life. When he offers you that friendship months down the road after the breakup, put your guard up. Very seldom do human beings act out of boredom and without any reason.
The same can be said for your ex when he suddenly wants to be friends with you again. For some reason, he’s trying to weasel his way back into your life. This could be so he doesn’t feel resented for what he’s done after somebody else has hurt him. One could even say it’s karma striking, and now he’s on a mission to “fix” what he broke.
Omg omg, my ex wants to be friends with me
When your ex wants to be friends with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean he wants more than just friendship with you. Very often, exes want even less than that. The reason for that is because people hate being perceived as “bad people”, and instead wish to feel redeemed for their sins (especially when something goes wrong).
The best way for them to increase their karma is to talk to their ex – the person they have hurt in the past, and steal his/her forgiveness. To dumpers, it’s incredibly empowering, and one of the reasons why exes come back into our lives.
I often mention that dumpees hold a lot more power than they are initially aware of. This is especially true if they got broken up in a ridiculously disrespectful way via text, left for another person, ghosted, treated horribly and so on.
Any person who values his or her moral values is going to regret his bad deeds at some point in the future.
Zan
As long as everything is fine and dandy, exes are not going to be concerned about their past
I don’t want to be friends with my ex. I want MORE!
We’ve finally gotten to the difficult part — the magic solution to turn things around with your ex, and give the relationship another try. So how can you climb out of this friends zone when your ex wants to be friends with you?
Guys, in particular, are afraid of being put in that dark hole when they start liking a girl. They fear the dark place so badly, they start panicking and ruining their own chances by acting on
Just like when you first start dating a person, there are many things that contribute to your overall attraction with him or her. These preferred personal traits are of course dependent on each individual.
There are however universal attributes every person in this world finds attractive. Subliminally, your partner or your ex-partner look for things that will help them grow and get the most out of their life. Very selfish, I know. He or she looks for things you possess so you can raise their social status and overall health.
These are the things you must improve for your own benefit, as well as for your ex’s;
- confidence, self-esteem and self-respect
- positivity and positive outlook on life
- healthy physical and mental state
- general knowledge
These are the most important traits. Other slightly less important ones are emotional stability, conscientiousness, sense of humor, intelligence, emotional sensitivity, vulnerability, kindness, authenticity, compassion, generosity, humility, bravery, money…
When you yourself as much as you can and become the best version of yourself, your chances are going to be tremendously higher.
I must do something or I’ll be stuck in the hole forever
As I said before, taking action when you are in the most vulnerable position is a big mistake. Accepting your ex’s friendship and turning up the neediness is never going to work. In the previous chapter, I mentioned a few positive things you should work on to boost your attraction level.
Needless to say, having those traits and taking initiative with your ex doesn’t work well together. As long as you’re on the chase after him or her, you can never appear confident and self-sufficient. Instead, you present yourself as the opposite – needy and insecure.
So what can I actually do when my ex finally wants to be friends?
You do that which portrays high self-esteem. And that is the impression of moving on and being happy on your own. I often see dumpees shut down their ex’s friendship coldly and thoroughly.
They say something along the lines of “I can’t be your friend because I still have feelings for you. Message me if you change your mind.” In a way, they are standing up for themselves by saying they won’t settle for something so low.
That part is good. The other part which shuts their ex down in a cold manner, not so much. If your ex wants to have a conversation with you, and you simply ignore that wish, how do you think rekindling is ever going to work? He or she will think “Ok, my ex is clearly still emotional about the whole thing and wants me back.
I’d better stay out of this.” I know that person is your
Hold on a minute. You’re telling me to be friends with my ex?
That’s far from it. I say you should accept the friendship from your ex, and behave no differently than you did when you were in indefinite no contact. In doing so, you open the doors of communication again by silently telling him “I’m totally fine, and we can talk like normal people again.”
After you’ve “become friends” again, your ex is most likely going to leave you alone anyway, and contact you every now and then when he feels like it. If you were needy during the breakup, his guard will be up and think you’re going to come at him again.
After some time, he will turn around and notice your “friendship” isn’t what he thought it would be. You’re not running after him, but why? Could you be dating someone else and you’re actually happier without him? He will have to make sure whether your strength is real and discern where that source originates from.
To reiterate, instead of pretending to be your ex’s friend and becoming needy by contacting him and asking him various questions, you should quickly accept the friendship and immediately lay low.
Make use of the push-pull dynamics, and allow him to do most of the work. When he feels the need to speak to you, he will contact you. Remember, it’s when he is ready to be friends, and not you!
You can’t talk your way back into a relationship.
Zan
If you remember the quote above, you will understand that it’s up to your ex who has to do all the work from now on. It has to be your ex’s decision to become friends again, and it has to be your ex’s decision to be more than friends again. He or she is the one who ended the relationship, and must therefore, put in all the effort.
Even though you would move mountains and cross deserts to be with your ex one more time, you must allow him or her to start repairing things from the beginning. Once the decision to become “friends again” has been made, your ex must start initiating conversations and leading them as well.
The interest level of this person has to be so high it evens out with your disinterest. For example, if you do 30% of initiating, your ex must do 70%. As long as your ex wants to be friends and only friends, you should exhibit very little interest.
The reason for that is because if you show zeal towards him or her, your ex will reasonably return less. Why would he have to try so hard, when you’re doing all the work, right? In the breakup world, this is one of the worst things you can have. Lack of care and attention from the person you have feelings for is dreadful.
Denial or rejection will not happen as long as you keep your neediness in check and don’t chase. You can save face by mimicking your ex’s actions.
Allow your ex to guide you, and not vice versa.
Zan
You are not playing any games with this person. You are merely stating that this is how much you’re prepared to give to a person who doesn’t see you as an equal. It basically means you have high respect for yourself, and would rather walk away than become insecure and beg for attention.
I want to hear your thoughts. Has your ex offered you friendship? Did you accept or politely/coldly reject the offer? Please leave your comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Just came across this. My ex dumped me 2.5 months ago saying he couldn’t give me what what I needed. After a month, he texted to say hi, I responded. Then 2 weeks later he texted to see how things were, I responded. Again 2 more weeks and he reached out again, responded to which he asked if we could talk. I asked what it was about and he said to open lines of communication since he missed our friendship. I declined this and said I could not be his friend since I still had feelings and if he was sure he didn’t want to be with me, to no longer contact me but if he thought there might be a chance to try again, then to please call. All I got in response was a “I completely understand”.
Do you think me taking a stand for myself might bring him around eventually? Was this his way of leaving the door open
Hi Chloe.
Your confident and determined behavior made a better impression on him than friendship would. I don’t know it will bring him back though because it’s not the only condition for reattracting an ex. It’s clear the guy felt bad and that he wanted to be an occasional friend.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My husband and I were together for 9 years, married for 3. For half of the time we were married, I moved to another country for a job and we did long distance. We argued a lot before I left and I returned home after 15months to make the marriage work (I saw him 4x in that time, returning home for a few weeks at a time on holiday). He asked me to move home and when I did, told me it was over and to move out of the house. I was homeless and jobless. Since then he has said he doesn’t want to get back together because of all the hurt, arguments and bad memories between us and can’t get past it. I have worked on the things he doesn’t like but he has not. I want him back, how do I get him to give us another chance? He has asked I move my things out now too but says he still loves and cares for me but is too hurt. We’ve been separated 4 months now. Please help me save my marriage.
Hi Marium.
He doesn’t want to give the relationship another chance, so you can’t force him to. You may really want him or perhaps even need him, but his actions show he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. This isn’t something you should fight for because there’s nothing else to earn. He has willingly detached and decided to move on.
You need to focus on getting yourself back, Marium. Process the separation and make sure you have financial security. When you do, you’ll see that he did you dirty by kicking you out when you had no income and place to go.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I and my girlfriend were in serious relationship for 10 months before she broke up saying she vale’s the relationship but is not happy in the relationship. Moreover her family disliked me as I belonged to lower race so they got her engaged to a guy from her community immediately. She contacted me three months later saying she broke her engagement and wants to be back as a couple. I accepted her back and we restarted the relationship.
To my misfortune, this time I was hit with severe depression and ended up not meeting her needs. During this time we also moved in together. Couple of weeks back while I was having a depressive episode, I broke up with her but apologizing for doing so. However, she accepted the break up and is not willing to go back to being a couple. She proposed to continue living together and live as friends and that we can go on trips and events together. I genuinely love her and want something more than friendship. Also, this time again her family is trying to set her up with some guy within her community so I’m on a time crunch. How do I get her back as a partner?
Please help
I want to add that my ex girlfriend is putting in efforts to cheer me up, making plans for my upcoming birthday and making plans to go on trip with my family. I do not know what is she doing all these. I am all so confused.
Hi Sagar.
You can’t do anything else right now. You need to get out of depression before you should even consider being with her. Since you’ve asked her to reconcile, you need to let her come to you. Don’t apologize and explain things anymore. Just be the fun person you were when you felt good.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex offered friendship after she broke up with me and tells me she is emotionally unavailable for any relationship at the moment. This is likely due to the hurt from our break up. When her and I were first friends before being in a relationship, I had to take most of the initiative to reach out and schedule dates. I also had to do this while we were together in a relationship. She wasn’t one to set up many dates. I don’t mind this at all, but that has me wondering if I also need to be the one to initiate a lot of our conversations and plans now as “friends” post break up. She gave me the classic “I don’t know what the future holds” for us potentially getting back together because she is emotionally unavailable, processing the breakup, and wishes to focus on herself for now. When we hang out, she’s flirting with me and cooking dinner for me. She will then turn cold afterwards, as if she is afraid of letting me too close because she doesn’t want to catch feelings so quickly. I’ve confronted her on it and she’s told me that she is trying to make time for all her friends and is afraid of letting people down. What do you suggest I do? I believe her request for friendship and desire to focus on herself is genuine. She’s been VERY blunt with me about other things. I think hanging out with her is a LONG game and could destroy me, but also could be a path to reconciliation. Should I just continue to initiate plans and try to recreate that spark through quality time with her?
Hi Bobby.
She gave you typical dumper excuses. You need to keep in mind she can’t regain feelings through friendship. It’s impossible because it suffocates her and prevents her from missing you. If you want to be happy and increase the chances of reconciliation, you should cut her off immediately. As long as you’re doing all the work, you’re making yourself vulnerable and pushing her away.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’m curious on your thoughts with my situation.
-Dated a girl for 4 months, then she broke up with me. After a bit of turmoil and emotions we eventually go no contact.
-6 months go by. She dates another guy during this time.
-Then she reaches out to me randomly. Her and the guy broke up, and she wants to be friends with me.
I wish I had seen your article before I had responded to her. Long story short, we then met up a couple of times, had some nice memories together. No hooking up though or anything. It was pretty obvious that I still had feelings for her and wanted to date her. She told me twice that she didn’t see us romantically and just wanted to be friends. I noticed her responses to text messages started lengthening out, so then I decided to tell her let’s go back to no contact because I want something more than just friends. She agreed to respect my wishes, and that was that.
That last step happened about a week ago. Of course I want to go back and say “hey let’s be friends!” and try your strategy above… but I feel like I already played all of my cards. Do you see any other move on my part besides sticking to NC and basically forgetting about her?
Thanks,
Sam
Hi Sam.
As long as you want different things, you should stick to no contact. You won’t be able to reignite the spark by talking to her. All you’ll do is give yourself hope and allow yourself to be strung along. So don’t worry about being her friend right now. You have more important things to do, such as detaching and falling back in love with yourself.
Remind yourself that the woman doesn’t see you as a partner anymore and that she probably came back for an ego boost or to be on good terms.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi !
I dated a girl for 6 months. We didn’t have any labels on the relationship, but it was very intense. I tried to make it official after 3 moths of dating but she want some more time so I agreed. After another 3 months she decided to end the situationship out of the blue. She told me her reasons. She was a little bit rude with me. I tried to solve things with her but she didn’t want. She offered me “We can still hang out and have fun”. I accepted. We hangout one time and she allowed me to kiss her. One week after that I asked her out and she made an excuse. I went no contact for around 2 months.
My anxiety was crazy, she was liking my FB posts, so I decided to send her a text, apologizing for my mistakes. Told her I wanted to work things out. Nothing to serious tho. She replied and offered friendship, which I rejected politely. Told her “If you change your mind, let me know”.
She reached out after a week with an indirect direct approach. We chit chat a little bit and I asked her out. She took 1 week to respond. She told me “I don’t really know what to respond” “But I like your new whatsapp picture 🙂 it is very nice, have a nice day”
I took 4 days to respond that, I told her “Hey, thanks for liking my profile pic, keep in touch and have a nice day”
This is 3 months after the breakup. What do you think?
Hi Rogelio.
You have to cut her off. She’s reaching out just to appease guilt and see what you’re up to. The sooner you let her know she can’t contact you anymore, the better.
Best regards,
Zan
Me and my girlfriend been in a relationship from past3.5 years and during this September she moved to UK for her masters.
Even though she went their things were actually going pretty well between her and me for a month, until she started meeting new people and I started feeling the need for her time, because of which we had arguments and where she ended up breaking up with me, rather she said we may come back in a relationship after her 1-year master or 3-5 years down the line, she further said that she wants to be friends with me and doesn’t wanna end up talking.
Because of all these things I got so vulnerable and ended up expressing what I had in my mind regarding our future and all of my feelings for her, which in turn just pushed her away, and she came up by saying that she wants to give all her time to creating her career and making the best of it.
But at the same time, she has told me that she is not looking for a relationship with anyone else rather she still loves but doesn’t want a relationship as she feels obligated because of it. In fact, every night before I go to sleep we do talk for 5-7 mins on call, and before sleeping every time we say “I love you” to each other but all these things just put in doubt regarding if she actually loves me then what is the issue in coming back in the relationship.
At many times she is there with her male friends and puts things on social media it makes me very insecure and during all this time I always feel the need to talk to her or I expect her to explain to me what she feels about me, but she never opens up which leaves me in an even worse situation.
I really want this relationship to work and but I have no clue what I should be doing about it, but i just can’t let go this person from my life. and I want her in the same way. Please Help
Hi Sanyam.
You have to let go of this person. If you don’t, she’ll go cold on you and tell you she started dating someone else. Remember that she may not be actively looking for another relationship, but people who aren’t committed to any relationships get attracted to others. I’m not trying to scare you, Sanyam, but you should keep this in mind so you don’t torture yourself by refusing to let go. It’s the opposite of what you want, but letting go is good for you. I strongly suggest that you get ready and cut your ex off. You deserve more. In fact, you deserve all or nothing.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me recently, but will contact me once a week. This past week he called me to tell me he misses me, that he has been having a hard time with the breakup, and wanted to make sure I was okay. Then proceeded to tell me he wants to just be friends and does not want more than that. He said talking to me helps him be a “better person”.
I want to be more than friends or nothing at all and I told him this.
Leading up to the breakup, I was very anxiously attached and he was very avoidant. He didn’t really like talking to me & grew distant. Even attempted to cheat right before he broke up with me. As soon as I left him alone and gave no contact, he started to reach out. Why all of a sudden he wants to be friends and change his behavior? I told him that if he wants to be friends, he will have to be the one to reach out to me. I do not want to be breadcrumbed. I do not know what to do because I do want to hear from him and be with him, but not be just friends. I’m so conflicted.
Hi COnfusedLover.
Your ex changed his attitude toward you because he no longer feels smothered. He got the space he wanted, so he feels ready to be your friend. If you respect yourself, you have to stop talking to him. Most of your pain will disappear when you do that.
Friendship with an ex is difficult, so tell him you need time to yourself and ask him not to message you anymore.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, I was with someone in person and then long distance who has relationship anxiety due to her past baggage. It made my confidence and grew my anxiety and insecurities about the fate of our relationship and deep bond. It was really sad and I felt used, manipulated though she has great qualities that I love. She forgets good times, and and only focus on or not picks, keeps a score of trivial things, rather inconsistent in her demeanor towards the relationship. I think it is a bad thing but she doesn’t like to communicate these things. She told me she can feel my love, that she knows I would give her moon if she asks me. She put me on a slow ride of secretively killing our relationship while we are still together and I am doing all I can (even being very sick and a difficult phase of my personal/professional life). It is like nothing I did was enough. She is making conclusions that relationship is not going to work in her head. She then said, my feelings are going down. I said what can I do, when covid is over, I’ll travel to live near her area and I made all plans. But was going back and forth. I share with her about my friends and things I do. She shares some but she would omit the details of some people, specially guy friend or colleague if she interacts with them. Sometimes. If I strike a conversation out of genuine interest, she would say that I dig into her life. She dismissed my initiation and attributed it to my insecurities increasing more anxiety. I continued to all I could do for us. How can a person kill a relationship in their head by focusing on negative and creating future problems in the head?. At some point she said being on the phone is too much for her, we need to cut it down. I get it, it can be too much. We did cut it. Then she would say if no phone then there’s no relationship. She doesn’t want a phone relationship. It was mind boggling. I invested all in our relationship. She is a caring person and I don’t know why she was acting like that. I feel bad for her mental health. There’s no reason or problem for her to be unhappy and make problems out of nothing. She has been trying to be friends with me knowing I love her and still want to have a life together in the future. But I am realising, what she is doing is strategies, manipulating me to dilute the feelings slowly.
Unfortunately I didn’t do a no contact. I thought if I cut contact, we will lose entire things. I know my partner. I know her behaviour. I have been sensing that she may be letting a guy pursue her or being on dates. After she went “the distance to break up”, If I ask her about things we have shared, and follow up, she even started saying that I check her phone messages. “How do you know?” That’s just ridiculous and unfair that she is not acknowledging my genuine concern, interest. Do I need to check messages to know about someone we have been deeply in love and shared life?
It has been 3 months, I have been in contact with her.
That means the fear of loss, anxiety I was feeling around her behaviour is true. But she doesn’t acknowledge it.
I asked her to be frank if she is seeing someone. So it is the minimum respect. But she is not saying. I find it now that may be She only wants to be free from the utter guilt of doing something bad to me as a partner and a person by checking on me. I really love her, and it is a pity how she is breaking us up this way. But since last call, I have not responded to her “guilty free checks: hi how are you? Is everything ok?”… I have always given the benefit of doubt to her. Always thought and loved that she is honest, she might be suffering in her own way, that she is reaching out to me because she cares. But she has become a person I almost don’t recognize in some ways..
I want to have a normal, simple relationship with her and build a life. What can be done here to get her to see the worth of our bond and the life we had and have?
Hi Jorge.
Your ex has lost love and respect for you. She wasn’t ready for this relationship – that’s one of the problems. The other problem is that she chose to run away and treated you poorly. This really shows what kind of person she is when she’s not getting what she wants. There’s nothing you can do right now that will make her see your worth. All you can do is go full no contact and wait for her to process the breakup. She might process it one day and come back or she might not. It’s hard to say because right now she’s in a very smothered state. She can’t think about the relationship and just wants her space.
You have to give her that space and forget about being her friend. This person is very bad for your health, which is why you must build up your self-esteem and see her for the person she is.
Hang in there, Jorge!
Zan
I broke up with my ex 5 years ago this October. We didn’t speak for a few months. I grieved and did everything you need to do to get past it. Then he contacted me. Said could we be friends and just speak now and then. I had lost respect (hence the breakup) and worked on myself to get past things so it really wasn’t a big deal to me emotionally AND I did enjoy speaking because he was my best friend. So, I let him back in. Sure enough, I felt obligated and he wanted to talk every day. Broke it off again a year later, didn’t speak for 5 or so months, he called for some silly reason and the calls started back up daily. He said couldn’t we be friends until I met someone else. WTH!??? LOL 1 year later I stopped it again. Let’s see how long it takes him to weasel his way back again. This time, not answering the phone and for sure shutting him down. At some point he has to move on! Not playing victim. I felt sad for him.
Hi, i was seeing a girl long distance for a month(both of us are 21) (December- January). She panicked due to anxiety, seasonal depression, advice from friends (tarot cards), and she said she was starting to catch feelings for me which scared her having been burned before in past relationships. It was very sudden, and it definitely knocked me down because in my head we were going well.
I initiated no contact, and I was started to feel better. Since we were long distance it helped, and luckily my friends and family were supportive. But unfortunately we crossed paths again somehow. Chop it up to bad timing but we reconnected. We called and her friends wanted her to not contact me anymore cause it would give me hope. (I agree with them on that front). We ended with half a phone call
I didn’t hear from her for a couple of days. I figured we would be back to no contact again. It however messed with my head, she sounded sad talking to me. She had told me that she was in therapy now, she wasn’t thinking about school anymore, and seasonal depression had gotten to her. Honestly it hurt hearing that, I genuinely wished the best for her. I was hoping if we ever did reconnect she’d be able to tell me how nice everything is going and maybe she had found love. THAT would have been nice. Instead my protective nature was triggered.
Anyways she texted me a couple days later, we had a conversation over text. She was waiting to see if I would ever text her after that half call. I never did. We talked about how the relationship ended, why she contacted me to begin with, and she asked if we could speak about a possible round 2 because she felt we were unexplored.
In my head I had to have an internal debate. Could I accept her back into my life? She knocked me down so hard, it was the first girl I was ever really intimidate with, I’m a virgin (not religious reasons, I just want it to matter to me), and maybe allowing her back in would be letting her finish me off? I made my decision, depending on her answers to the questions I asked like “how would things be different?” “What’s stopping you from leaving again?” Stuff like that, I would accept a probationary Round 2. We would be less than lovers but more than friends in my head. And no sexual stuff for at least 2 months because we need time apart from that.
She did not come for a Round 2 with that in mind. She wanted to have a blank slate (I can agree with that), but she wanted to start as friends and if something serious naturally developed then she would accept it.
I was not expecting that, we were never boyfriend or girlfriend but we both acted like it and obviously set up red flags for each other by speaking about very serious things when we were together.
So I negotiated this, I would be fine starting as her friend but I would want 2-3 weeks of mutual exclusivity. Meaning we’d agree not to see anyone or sleep around during that time. It’s not that I want agency over her body, but I have it as a little show of dedication. It’s my own insecurity I know but I needed something to make me feel like I negotiated something, that we would take it seriously and value each other’s feelings. I know if I never asked for this, me personally I would never talk about any other girls in front of her. It’s manipulative and I know it would hurt even if a little. Idk I’m justifying something dumb I know but bare with me. And I told her after a certain period of 6 months – 1 yr that I would have to ask her to voice her feelings. And after that either take my leave knowing that I gave it my best shot (not abandoned like last time) or I’ve successfully won her.
After some back and forth we agreed on these terms. That same night we started FaceTimed as friends again all night. I did my best and man it felt good joking with her and seeing her smile again. I’m gonna try my best to be a good friend and maybe something will happen naturally. After reading your article I know now that I have to be less attentive and have her provide more to it. She has to text first and lead more conversations. She still would like to FaceTime in the afternoons and nights after work. I’m worried about providing too much or too little attention. I also feel guilty, because sure I’d like her back but rn I have to focus on building a foundation from the ground up.
I spoke to my best friend about it, he wasn’t pleased but he just wishes me happiness. We both agree I’m taking a gamble, a stupid gamble that after reading articles and articles look like it doesn’t work lol but I’m still here. He said to not be as attentive and scare her away again. I don’t know how I feel in general about this all. The mental state I want to have is this:
I want to better myself. I’m going to the gym. I have a new major in college. I’ll focus on building my relationship with other friends. I’ll be the best person I can be, and I’ll try to be a good friend to my ex. If something naturally happens then it happens. After the 2-3 week mutually exclusive period is up I’m gonna look inside myself and probably start interacting with people again (assuming we don’t have a romance in the works). I’ll go on with my life and be the best person I can be.
So now I ask you, as harshly and melodramatic as I am. Do I have the write head space for this? Any advice? And sorry for the length
Hi Zan,
My ex is someone who needs a lot of attention and presence and I’m someone who shows his affection and care by actions, not words.
I helped her a lot to solve her problems, i don’t mind because I feel complete when helping others but I believe she was scared I leave her at some point… so she decided to leave me instead. Honestly I’m being eaten alive by guilt, “I should’ve said more that I love her” etc…
She contacted me 3 weeks after BU and send me messages very 2/3 days, saying she’s very busy because of uni. Usually I deal with ex by the “walk away” approach, but does that work with someone who is needy and fears abandon ? Or in that case should I show her that I’m here for her ?
Thanks a lot !
Hi Will.
Since she’s an ex, she doesn’t need nor want you around anymore. Presumably, she should be strong enough to handle the breakup aftereffects on her own. If she’s not, then she’ll cling to you for love or validation. You need to leave her alone until she becomes afraid, realizes your worth, and comes back.
Kind regards,
Zan