Did your ex break up with you and say he or she needed time to think about getting back together?
Unfortunately, many dumpers break up with their ex and give their ex something to latch on. They hate rejecting their ex and seeing their ex hurt, so they say things that ease their pain and give their ex hope. They make their ex feel hopeful about reconciliation just so they don’t have to see their ex cry and beg and feel bad for causing him or her pain.
It’s extremely selfish of them to tell their ex they need time to think about getting back together when they have no intention of reflecting on the breakup and taking their ex back. Dumpers know when feelings are gone and when they don’t want to get back together.
Despite that, they make it seem like they’re open to reconciliation and that their ex can earn their love, trust, and respect back.
They say things like:
- I still love you
- I miss you
- I need to fix myself
- We might get back together in the future
- I need some time to think about getting back together
Some dumpers text and call their ex and act like they’re still together or that everything’s fine. They don’t understand that their behavior is giving their ex hope, hurting their ex, and delaying their ex’s recovery. Because they lack breakup knowledge and empathy, they say or do things that make their ex feel good in the moment and cause confusion, pain, and withdrawal for months to come.
The more they make it seem like they might get back together, the harder they make it for their dumpee ex to detach and get his or her life back on track.
So if your ex said he or she needs time to think about getting back together, bear in mind that your ex probably won’t spend even a minute of his or her time thinking about ways to make the relationship work. Your ex will probably focus on his or her newfound freedom and appreciate the space and time you provide.
Most dumpers can’t wait to get out of the relationship and distance themselves from their ex’s one-sided feelings and expectations. They feel so space-deprived, guilt-tripped, and pressured by their ex that they say anything just to get their ex off their back. Usually, they say something that makes it seem like the relationship could be salvaged with a little bit of space and time.
They don’t say how much time they need because they don’t want their ex to contact them and ask them to get back together when the time is up. Those who say things like, “Give me a month to think” don’t resolve their problems exactly in a month. They ask for a month (or any amount of time) just to stop interacting with their ex and get some space to breathe.
If they don’t reach out themselves (which they usually don’t), they don’t want their ex to contact them and urge them to resume working on the relationship. On the contrary, they expect their ex to understand their feelings, respect their space and privacy, and continue to leave them alone.
That’s how they block out reminders of the past, feel positive feelings, and do what they want. They don’t have to communicate with an ex they associate negativity with, revisit problems from the past, and feel uncomfortable, stressed, pressured, and worried that their ex will want to get back together.
If your ex didn’t ask for a specific amount of time to work on issues that you’re aware of and that prevent him or her from bonding with you, you need to know that your ex needs much more than time. He or she needs to improve relationship mentality, perceptions of you, self-love, or get rid of people who brainwash or tempt him or her to dump you for them.
I don’t know the exact issue or issues that hinder your ex from committing to you, but if your ex asked for space without any explanations and time frames, your ex doesn’t want to work on himself or herself and get back together. He or she wants to enjoy life without you and not think about getting back together.
Your ex wasn’t brave enough to tell you that, but I will. He or she chickened out and asked for time so you wouldn’t beg for love and commitment and pressure him or her.
Keep in mind that your ex’s unhappiness may not necessarily be related to your behavior. Your ex may be overwhelmed with external problems and stressors and needs time to focus on those problems. If your ex deals with problems preventing him or her from maintaining the relationship, your ex could come back, provided you keep your distance and retain your value.
Of course, there’s no guarantee that your ex will come back when those issues are gone. Your ex could always decide that space feels empowering and that he or she wants to keep feeling empowered. If that happens, it’s okay. You’ll stay in no contact and continue to detach from your ex. You’ll give your ex all the time in the world to focus on him/herself and think things through.
Like most dumpers, your ex won’t spend much time thinking about you after the breakup. Your ex will focus mainly on his or her post-breakup life and enjoy the relief stage of the breakup. Relief is the first emotion your ex experiences after the breakup. It’s so powerful it makes your ex feel and look extremely happy. You could see your ex go out more, make new friends, and do new things.
It could seem like your ex has changed into a completely different person.
No matter how your ex looks and acts after the breakup, remember that your ex has detached and lost the drive to re-attach. A few weeks likely won’t change his or her feelings and make your ex come running back to you. Weeks of time will likely show your ex that he or she has fewer things to worry about and that he or she should continue to get space.
Your ex could also realize your worth and come back, but this likely won’t happen just because you gave your ex space. It could happen if your ex tries to find happiness without you and fails miserably. Usually, dumpers return within weeks or months when they date someone incompatible, abusive, or difficult and see that their ex is much better in comparison.
That’s when they become regretful and run back to their ex for comfort and safety.
In this post, we talk about why your ex needs time to think about getting back together and what you should do about it.
Why your ex needs time to think about getting back together?
When dumpers ask for time to think things through, it’s almost always to soften the blow of the breakup. They lack the guts to break up properly, so they tell their ex things he or she wants to hear rather than needs to hear. They act like they’re on their ex’s side and have their ex’s best interest at heart, but in reality, they care about their problems and feelings way more than their ex.
The reason why your ex said he or she needed time to think about getting back together is that your ex didn’t know any better ways to deal with the consequences of the breakup. All your ex knew was that his or her feelings were gone and that he or she lost the motivation to reconnect emotionally.
But because your ex felt bad for breaking your heart and feeling responsible for causing you pain, your ex said the most hopeful thing that came to mind. Your ex made it seem like he or she just needed some time to think things through and make a rational decision.
This was a bunch of baloney. If time was all your ex needed, your ex wouldn’t have broken up with you. He or she would have remained committed to you and stayed in touch with you. Maybe your ex would have asked for some physical distance and time to resolve his or her problems or stressors, but your ex wouldn’t have terminated the relationship and asked for complete silence.
He or she would have been too afraid of pushing you away and losing you.
That’s why it’s safe to say that your ex currently wants to stay broken up. He or she wants nothing to do with you and focus on things that feel good.
Your ex basically wants space to see if he or she will miss you and need you. If your ex misses you and feels that he or she can’t be happy without you, your ex will come back for himself or herself and use you to fulfill his or her emotional, financial, physical, or sexual needs. Think about that for a minute.
Your ex asked for space because he or she wasn’t happy in the relationship and thinks he or she can come back if things don’t go according to plan. If something hurts or disappoints your ex, your ex can return to you and use you as a backup plan to feel loved and needed.
It’s evident that your ex doesn’t value you and need you right now. Your ex prefers space and time to “think about things.” Of course, your ex won’t do any thinking about whether he or she should have tried harder. Your ex will live in the moment and enjoy the space provided by the breakup.
Your ex will avoid constructive thinking until something or someone hurts your ex and changes his or her mind about the breakup.
I wish your ex only needed some time to process things and come back, but that’s probably not the case. Your ex likely emotionally checked out and destroyed his or her ability to appreciate your personality, care, and love. Things will stay that way until your ex experiences something painful and/or eye-opening.
That’s when your ex will compare you to life after the breakup and do some real thinking – the kind of thinking he or she promised to do.
So don’t take your ex’s promises seriously. Remember that many dumpers compliment their ex or promise to return their ex’s stuff and think about getting back together. Even though they sound reassuring, very few dumpers actually do what they say they would. Because they feel independent and in control of their life, they intentionally forget about the things they promised and continue to like and crave their space.
They choose to ignore the past and focus on the present and future.
So why did your ex say that he or she needs time to think about getting back together?
Your ex felt pressured and decided to calm you down with false hope instead of honesty and emotional support. Your ex lied to you, and by doing so, regained control over the situation and his or her emotions in the quickest time possible. We could say that your ex chose the cowardly way out of the relationship and that your ex is dangerous for your healing.
Your ex could have told you the truth but chose not to due to the fear of bringing a negative reaction out of you (cowardice). Consequently, your ex pretended he or she needed to think about everything that happened and decide if he or she still wanted to be with you.
Sadly, there was nothing for your ex to think about. Your ex had already detached and made up his or her mind. He or she knew that time wasn’t going to fix the problems he or she had with the relationship and that the only thing that was going to make your ex feel better was the breakup.
Now you know that anyone who says things like, “I need to think about the relationship,” I don’t think I want to be in a relationship, “I might change my mind in the future” is done with you romantically and won’t change his or her mind. At least not by choice with thinking.
If an ex comes back after saying those things, it will be due to unpredictable circumstances, regret, and pain.
With that said, here’s why your ex claims he or she needs time to think about getting back together.
What should I do if my ex needs time to think about getting back together?
Let’s start from the beginning. When your ex breaks up with you and hurts your feelings, you shouldn’t cry uncontrollably and guilt-trip your ex. Pain and desperation to hold on to your ex could incentivize your ex to give you dishonest explanations for the breakup and tons of false hope. it could make your ex tell you what you want to hear even if it doesn’t help you heal and grow.
I know it’s hard, but you want your ex to tell you the truth even if the truth is hard to hear. The truth will tell you what to work on and set you free, whereas lies will keep you obsessed with your ex, discourage you from investing in yourself, and hinder your recovery.
So encourage your ex to be honest with you and reassure your ex that you can handle the truth and that you prefer it over false hope. After that statement, your ex will probably express his or he feelings more directly and show you whether the relationship can be saved with time, understanding, and hard work.
If you can’t stop your ex from making breakup excuses and saying he or she only needs some time to consider getting back together, simply agree with your ex. Accept the breakup and agree with your ex that time will help you think rationally and process the breakup.
Your ex needs to see that you think similarly and that you both need some space and time away from each other.
If you’ve already started no contact and given your ex time to do what he or she wants, don’t contact your ex to tell your ex that you’ll be giving him or her space. Just give your ex space and let no contact do the talking for you. It will demonstrate healthy self-esteem and that you’re strong enough not to act on urges.
I get that you feel deceived by your ex and tempted to take control of the breakup. Perhaps you even want to take your anger out on your ex and punish your ex for playing with your feelings and wasting your time. Emotions are probably running high, but don’t let them control you and do something you’ll regret.
Revenge won’t make you look any better than your ex. It will make you look bitter and vengeful.
Instead of taking things personally, consider your ex’s request for time a breakup and give your ex more space than he or she asked for. Leave your ex alone completely and permanently and wait for your ex to come to you. When your ex initiates the reconciliation conversation and asks for forgiveness and love, you’ll know that your ex has failed on his or her quest for happiness and unintentionally discovered your worth along the way.
Did your ex say he or she needs time to think about getting back together? Why do you think your ex said that? Leave your comment below the post.
And if you’re looking for assistance with your ex’s excuses, reach out to us and tell us your story.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
