Emotionally unavailable people can be hard to detect because they often seem completely normal. On the surface, they appear loving, caring, and no different from available people. It’s only until much later (when you get to know them on a deeper level) that they start displaying emotional unavailabilities and various red flags that they aren’t ready for a committed relationship.
The reason why emotionally unavailable dumpers take so long (normally a few months) to start showing signs of emotional unavailability is that most of them don’t know they aren’t capable of connecting with other people. They think they’re totally fine because they want people in their lives and feel attracted to them.
Little do they know that their attraction is infatuated and only temporary. It lasts only for as long as their relationship is new, exciting, and highly sexual. Once it gets old, their emotional and sexual needs decrease whereas their partner’s remain high or increase (due to a lack of reciprocation).
The difference in needs then causes their unresolved issues to come out in a form of fear and repulsion and makes it difficult for them to keep up with their partner’s pace and expectations. They feel that their partner wants too much time and attention from them and that he or she doesn’t respect their alone time and privacy.
Because they feel misunderstood, they then realize they aren’t happy in the relationship and that there’s only one thing left to do. Break up.
They tend to do that by saying things like:
- It’s not you, it’s me.
- I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship
- I don’t think we’re on the same page
- You don’t understand me
- I just need to be alone
- I love you but I’m not in love with you
An emotionally unavailable man or woman could take you places, buy you things, talk about the future, and appreciate you more than any ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend you’ve ever dated. The only problem is that the limerence phase of a new relationship can be misleading and usually not enough for an emotionally unavailable person to become available.
Overcoming emotional unavailability takes time and emotional intelligence (which is something emotionally unavailable people tend not to have otherwise they would have already solved their issues).
EU (emotionally unavailable) people tend not to be aware of their issues. Or if they are aware of them, they oftentimes underestimate them or ignore them until they’re up to their neck in problems and have no choice but to face them.
When they’re forced to face them, they lack the tools to resolve them, so they usually choose to run away from them.
This means that for emotionally unavailable men and women to improve their issues, they need to detect their issues before their doubts, fears, and unhappiness turn into hatred and disgust.
They need to learn what’s holding them back from developing romantic feelings so that they can fix those problems and develop a connection that goes beyond friendship and sexual attraction.
If an emotionally unavailable person doesn’t discover the root cause of the problem and work on it stoutly, the odds are overwhelming that the relationship will emotionally burn out and come to an end.
There’s just nothing there that could keep the couple together when doubts, resentments, anger, and other negative emotions put overwhelming pressure on the relationship.
In this post, we’ll answer the question, “Do emotionally unavailable dumpers come back” and talk about how to get your emotionally unavailable ex back.
Do emotionally unavailable dumpers come back?
To kick this off with some good news, emotionally unavailable dumpers do come back. They take some time to themselves (normally at least a couple of months) and process the issues that are hindering them from developing an emotional connection with people.
They just need to be left alone for a while.
But before you get too excited, you need to know that there are 2 types of emotionally unavailable dumpers. We’ll call them temporary and long-lasting emotionally unavailable dumpers.
As you can probably tell, temporary EU dumpers are the ones who come back more often because their issues are new and easier to fix. They’re caused by some stressful event that occurred recently.
A few common triggers for temporary emotional unavailability are:
- romantic rejections and breakups
- divorces
- illnesses
- losing a best friend/family member
- getting fired
- falling into depression
Long-lasting emotional unavailability, however, is a bit more complicated. It normally occurs very early on during childhood and becomes a part of a person’s attachment style.
Things that can cause long-lasting emotional unavailability are:
- negligence, anger, abuse, abandonment, and a lack of love in a child’s upbringing
- abusive relationships
- drugs
- torture
- (mental) health issues
- extremely low self-esteem
- highly stressful and fearful jobs such as being a soldier
Long-lasting emotional unavailability almost always requires professional help and lots of self-work to resolve. It requires the emotionally unavailable person to get to the root cause of the problem, change thinking patterns, rewire beliefs, and start doing things differently.
People who don’t seek help or at the very least work on themselves, usually don’t tap into their strength and become emotionally available. They tend to drag their emotional unavailability issues from one relationship to the next and feel that the people they date don’t understand them and meet their needs.
Oftentimes, they accuse them of being needy and clingy and blame them for their self-created misery.
This makes their attached partners or ex-partners feel that they aren’t good enough even though emotionally unavailable dumpers are the ones who neglected the relationship.
So do emotionally unavailable dumpers come back even though they usually don’t fix their issues? The answer is “hardly ever” because they completely exhaust themselves and feel that relationships with their exes just don’t give them the kind of satisfaction they’re looking for.
They give them the opposite, which is irritation, repugnance, and a fear of commitment. Sometimes they do return – even the most emotionally wounded people. But most of the time, those people return for the wrong reasons.
They don’t come back because they love their ex and want to work on the relationship but because they can’t find anyone else to bond with, because they’re bored and want sex, or because someone turned them down and hurt them.
This is probably why they almost always leave within a week or two after coming back.
If your ex is emotionally unavailable, my advice is to start letting go of the relationship regardless of whether your ex just became emotionally unavailable or has been unavailable all his or her life.
Although an emotionally unavailable ex who’s temporarily going through something difficult could deal with his or her issues and return in just a few months, it’s also possible that the man or woman won’t return or that he or she will face issues again in the future and push you away to focus on them.
Keep that in mind.
How to get your emotionally unavailable ex back?
Before you attempt to get your emotionally unavailable ex back, you need to know your role in your ex’s life.
Many dumpees want to help their exes resolve their issues by talking to them, signing them up for therapy, sending them links to self-help articles, and doing anything they can to assist their ex with their problems.
They don’t understand that their ex lacks the motivation for fixing personal issues. The dumper may be aware of the issues but doesn’t think the issues are a problem because he or she has a bigger problem. The dumper associates certain negative emotions with the dumpee’s persona.
In other words, the dumper considers the dumpee to be the cause (or a part) of his or her suffering and is more likely to perceive the dumpee’s willingness as intrusiveness.
So if you’re thinking of helping your emotionally unavailable ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend deal with his or her emotional unavailability, forget about it. Nothing good will come out of taking the role of a mental health expert. You’ll only hurt yourself because you won’t be able to help someone who doesn’t want help.
If your ex wanted your help, your ex would have asked for it. Or better yet, your ex would have stayed with you while working on those issues.
So what do you do?
You do the only thing you can do. You go no contact and leave your ex to his or her devices. That’s how you can give your ex space and time to fix the issues that are stopping your ex from wanting a romantic relationship with you.
You have to understand that you can’t force the dumper to be with you. You especially can’t do that if he or she is incapable of reciprocating emotions of love.
When the dumper breaks up with you (for any reason at all), all you can do is accept the breakup and disappear. Disappear so you can protect your dignity and give the dumper the space he or she has asked for.
In the picture below, you will learn what your emotionally unavailable dumper needs to come back.
Does no contact work on emotionally unavailable men and women?
No contact works on all genders, races, and ethnicities as it can help dumpers find reasons to repair emotional incompatibilities. A common problem, though is that not all dumpers fix their issues. Some (especially the ones with lost-lasting issues) develop strong convictions that breaking up was essential for their well-being and that they can resume their search for “the one.”
Such people tend not to reflect on their emotional problems and as a result, stay the way they are. They just can’t grow and improve because they don’t understand themselves and what they need to improve on.
No contact, therefore, isn’t 100% successful. It’s not a manipulation technique that would magically resolve dumpers’ emotional incompatibilities and force them to come running. No contact is just a simple self-imposed rule that gives dumpers the space they need to focus on themselves and hopefully, figure out why they feel (or don’t feel) the way they do.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll have a higher chance of reattracting your ex back with some other approach, though. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t think of no contact as a sure-fire remedy. Sometimes it works as it allows dumpers to process the breakup and redevelop feelings, and other times it doesn’t.
Its success depends on many factors, starting with dumpers’ ability to reflect and improve their perceptions of their ex.
Will my emotionally unavailable ex come back?
No two emotionally unavailable dumpers are the same. Some have small issues to figure out while others have years of work to do. The smaller the issues, the higher the chances that your ex will be able to overcome them and come back before you move on and meet someone else.
If you know what kind of issues your ex is dealing with, how issues affect your ex, and what your ex is doing about them, you might be able to tell whether your emotionally unavailable ex will come back. This is because you’ll know how your ex feels inside and how he or she perceives you during this difficult time.
Provided your ex doesn’t associate much stress and frustration with you, you could see that your ex couldn’t develop feelings or stay in love because he or she wasn’t ready for a new relationship and that your ex needs some time to recover.
It’s not easy to foresee how successful your ex’s personal growth plan will be. But if your relationship was new and you left your ex alone before he or she became resentful, there’s a chance that your ex will emotionally recover and contact you to get back together.
Always remember that if your ex wants you back, he or she will want you back right away and won’t reach out just to bother you and mess with your healing.
My experience with emotionally unavailable dumpers
I’ve had the pleasure to study many emotionally unavailable dumpers. Some dumpers were still grieving their previous ex and needed more time to heal whereas others had long-lasting unresolved issues that required professional help and determination to resolve.
It’s hard to say how many emotionally unavailable dumpers come back because I would have to have studied thousands of EU cases. But from what I can tell, temporary EU dumpers tend to come back much more often.
This is just an estimate, but I think that for every 10 temporary EU dumpers, 1 dumper with long-term emotional unavailability issues comes back. Perhaps dumpers with long-lasting issues just don’t find the motive to invest in themselves and resolve their issues.
They seem to jump from one relationship to the next without stopping and learning why history keeps repeating itself.
So if you have a feeling that your ex is emotionally unavailable, start by figuring out how far back your ex’s issues go. If they date back to when your ex was very young, it may be better to let your ex go for good. It will take time to forget about your ex, but getting over your ex will be much easier than fixing your ex’s issues for him/her.
However, if your ex only recently developed emotionally unavailability, then your ex may eventually come back, Your ex may be able to heal and realize you were a good partner.
My advice is to start moving on no matter how likely it is that your ex will come back. Emotionally unavailable dumpers come back from time to time, but you shouldn’t keep waiting for them. Life is too short to waste it by waiting for people who broke up with you.
Do you have any experience with emotionally unavailable dumpers coming back? Has anyone ever come back and stayed? I’m eager to hear your story and learn more from you. Post your comment below.
And if you want to sign up for breakup coaching with Magnet of Success, go to our coaching page to learn more about our services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan,
I was dating EU for 5 months. He told me that he’d never had any relationship in his life. Because he “never had those feeling and didn’t want to fake feelings”. He told me this really fast during honeymoon stage, so I considered this as opening up to me. He was a bit down in general because he was stressed about the job search. But things between us were really good, daily communication, seeing each other 1-2 times a week, no lovebombing, he was normal, no ghosting or ignoring messages. But the closer we became, the more frightened he’s become. He told me about his parent’s divorce trauma. After that I felt like we’re getting closer, was happy he shred this. But then he told me that he’s not ready for a relationship and he has feeling but not enough to start a relationship. I told it’s not ok for me. And I stopped seeing him, it was hard. He kept liking my posts and watching stories. It was disturbing. I had doubts if I was right to leave him, but then I found out he’s hanging out with someone else, while keep reacting to my posts. I wrote him how it hurts and then he told me again he’s feelings to me are not enough and that what we had is over for him. So before I told him about feelings for him it was ok to keep me connected, after that he told it’s over. Not sure if he’s back, but I assume he needs a lot of healing.
Hi Kate.
A relationship with this person will be very difficult if not impossible. He has a lot of unprocessed traumas that need professional help to resolve. He won’t resolve them anytime soon. He’s not even working on them, so why would he? He’s probably going to keep seeing women casually while running away from problems. Feel free to unfollow and block him if his online behavior affects you.
You deserve love and commitment, not a person who has doubts and fears of settling down.
Hang in there!
Zan
Hi Zen and Kate,
I had exactly the same. Last week my ex broke up with me after almost 6 months of dating. We saw each other the same amount of time (1/2 times a week) he was stressed too because of finishing his masters and a lot of times only busy with himself etc. The break up was with all the reasons you just mentioned, not ready, his parents divorce trauma, not “feeling enough”. The upsetting thing I find is, why would you talk about the future together, the great connection he thought we had and that he never had those feelings before and then still dump you like it was all fake. He did gave me affection and attention till the end. One day it was all good and then the next day he mentioned his lost of feeling but wanted to work on them with me. Then the day after (drinking with his friends) he said he wanted a break, well I dont believe in breaks so I also said I did not want to continue anymore. After I told him this, he told me he really enjoyed spending time with me but at the end of the day he dreaded being in bed with me and felt “nothing anymore” and he blamed it on the reduction if sexual attraction while all that always worked. The hurt I felt… I deleted him on everything but he started following me again and liking my posts. I hate that I feel awful and constantly thinking “what if” and “why”. I just do not understand his reasons and crying while he is probably already with someone else. What should I do? How to let go? This was the best way right?
Hi Feline.
Your ex became doubtful over time and did nothing to reduce his doubts. Instead, he listened to them very carefully and convinced himself you weren’t the right partner for him. As a result, he fell out of love and detached. He talked about the future because he wanted it. He just wasn’t willing to put in the work.
To let go, work on your self-esteem, self-growth, and emotional independence. I discuss how to do that in many articles.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you, Zan! Your article was very helpful for me. Now I understand more about my ex but still have some doubts on my situation.
We met about a year ago. And periodically he was disappearing without any reason. And it was like that several times and each time he was the one, who got in touch after the break. I couldn’t understand what’s going on but anyway I accepted him because I liked him so much. The last time he was trying to communicate, he was much sweeter and kinder than usually and told me a lot about his past (sad things) and even said that he loved me but didn’t deserve me. I was very happy that things were getting better, but right after that he disappeared again.
And a month ago I decided that I don’t wanna wait for him again and texted him by myself. Everything was fine but then I felt that he’s trying to escape again and one day he texted me that we wouldn’t work. I wanted to discuss everything to get some understanding, but he refused and only said that he’s emotionally unavailable. The next day he deleted the chat showing me and himself that this is the real end.
But the thing is I still have this feeling that he may come back, because he blocked me, told me several times, that we wouldn’t have a relationship and then texted me by himself. And I don’t know, what will be better for me, because I understand that I value myself and should let him go, if he wants to, but at the same time he’s my favourite person, when he’s normal, and I don’t wanna regret in the future thinking that, if I had fallen in love with him, I should’ve struggled for our relationship as hard as I could have.
Please, suggest me something. Idk what to do.
Hi Kelly.
I know it’s hard, but the guy seems convinced that the relationship wouldn’t work. He feels relationship-preventing emotions and can’t be with you at this point. I don’t know what’s making him emotionally unavailable (it could be the end of his previous relationship), but he definitely doesn’t deserve you. It’s possible he’s dealing with something stressful and/or is depressed.
You should do your best to stay busy and let him go. The guy has a lot of work to do if he wants you back. You must remember that he gave the relationship multiple chances, even though he didn’t try very hard.
Best,
Zan
Hello, I managed to get myself into a 1 year lasting situationship with an older guy (He is 20 years older than me) who is clearly emotionally unavailable, at the start it was perfect, we would text all the time, see each other pretty often but after a month and a half I started to develop feeling but he told me that he really likes me but we won’t have a happy ever after as his head is not in a right place, so the game started after then, constant hot/cold game, inconsistence in my life (we kept ending things and then he would come back a week or two after) we would have sex, see each other couple of days in a row, I would stay at his place for 3-4 days, we would go food shopping etc. However he would refuse to put a label on it as I am too young and we can’t be in a relationship because he doesn’t want a relationship, as the time gone by I started to fall for him, bare in mind all the hot and cold games didn’t stop, it would continue but I would get so obsessed with him that I was emotionally drained, one time he came back and I chose to share my feelings, that I am in love with him, he got scared and told me that he doesn’t feel comfortable and we need to end it as he can’t and don’t feel the same, however I went back to him myself and form that time every time he ends things I would make my way back to him until last weekend when we decided to end things but I still really miss him, he did take me on multiple dates, I bought him Christmas present, we shared a lot of good memories but he said it is not enough for him to love me, we would always have sex, sometimes we didn’t but the 90 precent of the time we did, anyway, from what I know of from his past trauma and his past in general his ex wife married him after being together 5 years but then he has lost a very well paid job and she told him that she needs time to find herself, and this happened 3 months after the wedding, so then wiliest they were still married for 2 years but they didn’t leave together she slept with couple of men and he found out, it really hurried him as he loved her so much since the divorce he has had one girlfriend for 6 months, and a couple of situationships with women closer to his age, that he dint fall in love with either. The reason I am writing this is because I want to know what I should do. we are no contact for 1 week now and its killing me, he was my first serious love and I’m not sure what I should do and I don’t know if he will come back this time as we actually made it a whole break up thing like a healthy one but still, he just told me that he doesn’t love me and etc. I smiled told him I will always love him no matter what and he told me he won’t forget me and then we left each other, he did seem a little down as he wasn’t driving away straight away and just kept watching me while I walk to my door, so I turned around a blew him a kiss. It was very emotional moment but I showed happiness and no sadness so I guess he bought it, that I am fine, as I seen him at the firework display the other day and didn’t even look at him. Please help me I beg I don’t know what to do I love him so much its killing me. what are my chances.
Hi Sofija.
This will be hard to hear, but you need to hear it more than anything. This guy is emotionally unavailable and has convinced himself he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Begging and talkin to him won’t change his mind. Neither will time. All this pushing and pulling will only make you more desperate for his attention and love.
That’s why I strongly suggest that you stay away from him. Go indefinite no contact and recover emotionally. You need to realize that his lack of validation made you codependent on him and that you need to do what’s best for you. And what’s best for you is space and a chance to rebuild your independence and self-esteem. This guy affected it continuously by keeping you close to him. If he cared about you as a person, he would have at last ended things permanently instead of torturing you for a year.
You need to fall back in love with yourself, Sofija rather than look for ways to reconnect with this person. When you love yourself truly and fully, you won’t need him to validate you. You’ll be happy on your own and will see that life is just as fulfilling without him as it is with him.
Kind regards,
Zan
But then, yet again I called and begged to come round two days ago and we spent two days together, he was caring, looking after me, being very emotional, and intimate (not in a sexual way) I was poorly, so he was looking after me all day we had a great time yet again, I told him that I am trying to understand him by reading about his emotional unavailability and listening to podcasts because I care, but he didn’t say much to that, and he said he doesn’t want me to be his therapist and I said I am not willing to be, however since he dropped me off I have not heard from him since. Also he told me that I should give other guys a chance but I said I don’t want to and he told it’s because they are not him, but I can’t have him. It’s all very frustrating because I know for a fact if I turn no contact now he will come back to me himself and give me a little bit of love or breadcrumbs and I am too emotionally weak to resist. He will come back because I am his entertainment and he loves the attention and love I give him. He just knows how to pull the strings with me and I cannot resist as my self respect is gone, I am a pretty young girl and he’s an old cruel man that takes an advantage of that. I just don’t know what to do I’m completely lost.
Hi Sofija.
You have to get your power back. If you don’t respect yourself and continue to beg for his attention, you’re going to repulse him and feel even worse about yourself. I know it’s hard not to beg him, but you have to stop it right away. You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect him to fall back in love. Remember that he wants you to date other guys and that he’s not ready for another shot with you.
hang in there!
Zan
Hi Zan!
I’ve come across a lot of articles and readings about EU since I discovered that my ex is one of them. But yours is like a balance of hope and reality. In my experience, we had a 2 and a half years together and we never had a major issues or concerns during those times. In my observation, everything started when my ex got a new job. She became more stressful about work, always unavailable when I ask her to go out, always wanted to spend evern weekends at work and I also had a time when I got jealous about her officemates because she prefer to spend time with them. At first, I thought she was just adjusting on the new environment of her new work. But then things got rough when I started demanding (for her its being demanding but for me its just the same things she intentionally gives during the 2 year relationship) things that she was able to give me before. She said she is aware that her mental health is not okay and that she wants to avoid everyone including me. But she also insists that she still loves me and even asked me to wait for her. Aftee two weeks of being in “space” with her, she suddenly break out the silence with “I don’t think I deserve you anymore, I’m sorry. I’m setting you free please don’t settle for less.” And this breaks me. But I am so confident that she still loves me because 2 weekends past before the break up, we were still together, cuddling and talked about how we can fix things. That’s why when she broke up with me, I demanded a personal break up from her. I thought we will fight but the break up is too calm. We were still cuddling and she even told me that she’s hoping that one day, we will meet again when things get better. That if we are meant to be together, we will meet again. She insisted that she still loves me, and told me that she’s not breaking up with me because she doesn’t love me anymore. She just needed time for herself and that “she cannot commit for now.” And she doesn’t want to give me a hard time waiting because she is not even sure when she’ll come back to her old self and if she’ll ever coming back to that old self. She is aware about herself being unavailable, she even told me that this also happened to her during the pandemic(2020) when she wanted to avoid everyone even her friends. The thing now is I wanted to wait for her and ofcourse I still love her. She told me not to wait but when I explained to her that even if she told me not to and that even if I don’t want to wait, my heart will still choose to wait. I cannot control my emotions, I know it in myself thay I still love her and still want her back. After reading many articles, I think she is just temporary emotionally unavailable, I’m not in the position to diagnose ofcourse. But it all started when work is being too stressful for her. She told me that she can’t commit at the moment because she wants to focus on herself and on her work. I know it’s baive but I’m still hoping one day, she’ll come back and we’ll fix it together the next time. Even if it’s just 1% chance left. In addition to this, we are engaged for a year. Sorry for the long post. I hope you will read this and you can give me some advice on this. Thank you and more power
Hi Nagi.
Your ex got overwhelmed with your expectations (that were perfectly reasonable). You expected her to act like a partner but got very little effort, commitment, and love. This made you insecure and hungry for her attention until she started feeling pressured and decided to focus on herself. Don’t wait for her because she won’t wait either. She’ll self-prioritize and enjoy the space she has. And because she’ll enjoy it, she won’t want to reconcile. I don’t see that happening (not anythime soon).
The best advice I can give you is to let her do what she wants to do. If she wants to spend more time at work and be free, let her. You can’t and shouldn’t stop her from being happy. If she realizes she’s not happy and that you made her happy, she’ll come back.
Sincerely,
Zan
I’m having an issue with the person I love, everything was going good. My now ex was struggling to find a job and became depressed about not finding one, throughout the 3 years we have been together, she has jumped from job to job, and would find one easily, but recently things didn’t go as planned. It took her 6months to find one. At the time she was staying with me and my family. Things took a turn for the worse and got too much for her, because she felt like a burden, as if she’s causing problems between me and my family. She decided to leave, and moved to her mother. The following week the job she applied for called her to say she got the job.. things were going fine between us, she was excited about working again. That’s when things took a turn again, she focused more on work, we talked less, she was always tired.. She worked long hours. Our conversations just became less and less, it felt like she was detaching from this relationship. I became desperate and needy because of this. I wanted to know if there is someone else, she assured me there isn’t anyone.. she’s just physically drained and that’s why it feels like she doesn’t care about anything. I don’t know if I pushed her further away with my begging. A week later I received a message from her saying “I do love you, but loving you means hating myself” she claims she put my happiness before hers claiming that I took a happy person and broke her. I just don’t understand why she would say this. Last year at her old job, something similar happened, she slowly became distant, especially when she stayed at her mother’s place, until eventually she quit that job, and messaged me saying she’s sorry for pushing me away and I don’t deserve that treatment. She messaged me and her mother about wanting to take her own life, I can see something similar happening, she is work focused, and neglects the relationship. I asked her to block me on whatsapp because I can’t stand having her there and not speaking to me and she did just. I don’t know if work stress is causing her to do this, or her mother speaking down on me, but she’s completely detached, I also don’t know if she’s suffering from burnout. She eventually broke up with me but refused to fetch her stuff she left behind, saying I should bin it. She avoids giving my stuff back, especially the phone I gave her to use.. I haven’t heard a word from her since we broke up and blocked me.
Hi G.
Your ex couldn’t handle the stressors and detached very quickly. Due to her inability to deal with problems, she decided to focus on herself. This made her neglect you and the relationship and forced her to think she’d be happier on her own.
The relationship couldn’t work due to her exhausted mentality and self-centered behavior.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My now ex boyfriend and I had been together for almost 2.5 years. The past couple months I could feel a shift in energy and I prompted him a few times to which he said he was just tired from work. He reassured me that he still loved me just as much as before and was just comfortable because we had been together so long. Last week, I suggested a break because I had been feeling unhappy and unloved, and problems I’ve had the past couple years (planning issues, lack of responsibility) started adding up and seemed like a bigger issue to me now that I was unhappy. He was caught off guard and very sad, and said “I’ve had my energy unreciprocated before and I’m traumatized.” One day into the break I decided I loved him too much and we could work through things. However, during that one day, he also came up with his own concerns. He said we have different core values (family values; his brother and I had been having issues the past couple months which is why I feel like his energy shifted). He came into the conversation planning to break up because he thought I was going to, so it surprised him when I said I wanted to work through it. He unconfidently said he wanted to, but said he’s also confused on if he still has feelings for me. We agreed to take another break so he could figure out his feelings. 4 days later, he breaks up with me and primarily talked about family values being different. I told him I was willing to change and he said it was too late. I had been patient with him for 2 years and he only waited 4 days (The past few months he made it seem less of an issue than it actually was, and 4 days ago he said it was a dealbreaker). I couldn’t believe he would throw away our whole relationship for this one problem that I was willing to change, and he said “it’s not just because of that, it’s also because I’m emotionally immature and need to grow, and my feelings aren’t there anymore”. I asked if his loss of feelings might be due to resentment on the family issues to which he said he did not think they were related. I’m lost. During the breakup he said if he could grow as an individual and get his feelings back, he would be open to reconnecting in the future. I feel like that might have just been a way to soften the blow. On the other hand, I’ve told him before I wouldn’t be open to that, so I wonder if was trying to see if that would be possible. He seemed so cold during our breakup, almost unrecognizable.
Side note: sexual intimacy has slowed down for a while due to his depression with his job, and then almost ceased the past 2 months. A week before the break up we were randomly intimate but felt so emotionless.
Hi Cc.
He detached from you weeks before the breakup. Because he couldn’t find a way to fall back in love with you, he made you feel disconnected, anxious, and unfulfilled and made you take a break. In relationships, there are no such things as breaks. You’re either together or you’re not. This “break” made it easier for him to through with the breakup and reveal how he really felt about you.
By the looks of it he became a bit resentful toward the end and lost the drive to work on the relationship. You hoped he was just going through a phase, but he had actually lost feelings and branded you as an incompatible person. Best thing for you to do is to distance yourself from him and give him the space he needs.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago just before our busy schedule with weddings and stags/hens, we currently just started to build our house aswell! She said she couldn’t do it anymore she emotionally drained, she tired of this relationship and can’t do anymore she didn’t have safe place and looked for emotional support. I been supportive, understanding and gave her everything but never seemed enough and the last 2 months I was walking on egg shells. She said no contact an I respected her space but she kept contacting me blaming it on me and saying she still loves me but can’t do it any more and we would have been good together… a lot off mixed emotions. I replied to her once saying I’m here to help and understand but she kept talking about negatives saying words are words and saying she hurt but won’t give me examples. Then she asked for space again I agreed but wrote to me 4 days later saying she hurt and finding it hard and she really tried but couldn’t give anymore and it’s my fault. I didn’t reply as I wasn’t going engaging then 5 hours later she sends happy videos of us together of what could have been. My head is spinning and she is messing with my emotions what will I do?
Hi Jonny.
She felt stressed, possibly slightly depressed and associated her pain with you. At first, she felt very guilty and wanted to work things out. But because she didn’t find a solution to her problems, she continued to detach and lose feelings. Eventually, she felt completely empty and decided to break up with you.
You need to give her the space she needs and also get space from her. Don’t let her message you whenever she wants to. She can’t have the best of both worlds. Start no contact right away. You were patient and did enough.
Sincerely,
Zan
I was dating with someone for about two months. He had broken up from his previous relationship before three months. It was a 7.5 years relationship. I started this with fear and insecurities. I was hurt from my previous relationship and didn’t want to be in a sexual relationship. I had a conversation with him to tell him that I face difficulty and want time and things to go slow. He told me that he found out that he was still hurt and didn’t expect that it will be difficult to be emotionally ready for a relationship. He works two minutes from my house. It’s do difficult to ignore his existence while I like him so much and so close. I definitely need no contact because I have mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel he used me some others I appreciate him because he find out fast his emotionally unavailability. No contact never worked for me. I definitely need time anyway to stabilize my feelings and maybe move on. We both are working with professionals. he may come back he may not I will continue to seize the day. One reason I felt insecurity was because I found out when we were dating that I felt happiness only by seeing him and I was trying to forget some problems that I have a difficulty to face them and take actions. A lot of work for me in no contact period and a very specific plan about my life. I wish he was an exception and no contact works in that case. I know I will be fine anyway. Thank you for your great articles.
Hi Anna.
You should stay away from emotionally unavailable people because they won’t be able to invest in the relationship with you. They’ll be focusing on themselves and dealing with issues from the past. Of course, they’ll eventually process the past, but it likely won’t be while they’re with you. In my opinion, they must have space to process things and figure out whether they want a new relationship.
No contact is your only option, Anna. Let me know how it goes.
Best regards,
Zan
Does no contact mean no social media foot print or should we let them follow us to see what we’re up to as long as it isn’t things that apply to them such as sappy songs and motivational healing quotes?
Hi Joseph.
No contact means no texting and calling. But its advanced rules are a bit more complicated than that. They include no stalking and overposting/bragging. Your ex can follow you if he/she wants to.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you Zan, I’m not exaggerating , but in a way you may have saved my life, been having very dark thoughts since I was dumped. I spent 5 years on my own before meeting my ex as I needed to work on my self after a long history of substance abuse and emotional trauma, divorce etc. My ex has undone all of that work and it was her who made all the moves on me as I was ok with being single, but couldn’t resist her and fell deeply in love with her. I was led to believe she meant all of her promises. I’ve never known pain like this I’ve made all the post break up mistakes but am now determined to go into no contact after 7 weeks of tearing myself apart and blaming myself, it wouldn’t be so bad if either of us had done something remotely unforgivable, so I now believe when push came to shove, she couldn’t do the work necessary and took the easy way out due to being damaged and EU
Thanks again for your brilliant insight!! Warren
Hi Warren.
I’m glad I’ve helped you feel a bit better. If your ex was EU, she came back for the wrong reasons. It wasn’t love, but rather familiarity and comfort. That wasn’t enough for her to stay when problems arose, so she left and hurt your self-esteem. I know it’s hard, but try not to take the breakup seriously, Warrren. Sometimes it’s got nothing to do with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago after 10 months. Her ex partner passed away two years before we met and I think I was the first new person she dated. There was hot and cold behavior from about 2 or 3 months in, but she always contacted me every day and wouldn’t go more than a few hours without asking me how I was. There was one breakup attempt 6 months in but she couldn’t go through with it because she didn’t want to lose me. She confessed that she loved me, I told her I loved her as well and things got better again for a while. The distant behavior still happened now and again, then things went down hill the last few weeks.
She had a couple of instances where she got upset when she was drunk, and told me she’d totally fallen for me but it made her feel guilty for being happy. 3 weeks before we broke up, she told me she was pinning her relationship hopes on us, and if it didn’t work out she was giving up. She also told me a few days after that that she was going to try and make more of an effort to make time for me. I saw her once more, she was quite affectionate and seemed happy to be there, but she mentioned at one point she felt lost, and didn’t know what she wanted in life. Then over the final 2 weeks, she seemed irritated, cold and distant (which she apologized for) then eventually broke up with me. There was a few comments and sentiments leading up to it where she would say things like “sorry for being crazy”, “sorry about my messed up head” and “why do you even put up with me”. It made her sound a bit insecure and like she was feeling low.
During the break up, she said she could potentially be making a huge mistake in letting me get away, but she had too much going on in her head and she couldn’t escape the guilty feelings of not being there for me and making time for us. She said it was breaking her heart to lose me, but if she didn’t focus on her issues she would end up losing herself anyway. I told her I wouldn’t block her in case she ever needed to reach me for anything, but I also told her that it was the last message i’d be sending her. I haven’t contacted her since, and she hasn’t contacted me either.
I don’t know if this is a case of her just losing feelings and attraction for me, and maybe seeing me as no longer worth the effort, or if she is being totally genuine and just wants to work out her issues on her own without being a burden on me and bringing me down. I wish I’d know more about the difficulties of dating as a “widow”, I maybe could’ve been more supportive and avoided this. She displayed all the main red flags of someone who wasn’t quite ready to date after losing a partner, but she seemed so certain that I was the one, she seemed to battle through and would get upset any time I questioned her feelings. She said she wished she’d met someone else first so she could’ve messed that up, sorted herself out then met me after. I just want her to get better and come back, but I know I should continue on as if she won’t
Any one have any thoughts on this?
Well my ex just broke up with me, I think he’s a temporary EU but I wouldn’t know since he didn’t open up much.
When he broke up with me he said practically the same words your ex told you, I’m devastated and I just wish I could’ve helped him but he didn’t let me.
I hope you find peace, what’s meant to be will be, I know that’s cliché but it’s true, and I hope that both our ex’s can find peace too.
I’ve been so grateful to find this site and Zan’s blogs. It’s given me the resolve to go and stay no contact because the logic behind NC is so inescapable. And you don’t sugarcoat things or sell us a scam.
I’d say my ex was EA but whether long or short term it would be difficult to say. He was bright and very attractive but hadn’t been in a real relationship for 10 years. His parents had been through a terrible divorce when he was a kid, he was dealing with the aftermath of significant mental health issues, and had lost touch with a few old friends from university because he felt ashamed. He never wanted to plan things in advance, found it difficult (impossible?) to talk about his feelings, and left me in a state of constant anxiety because I had no idea where I was with him. I did my best to give him space and not to be demanding.
I’m sure I was way not perfect myself!!!! But he wasn’t able to engage emotionally – or sexually – and I could see … it wasn’t gonna happen. I couldn’t keep being available for someone at their convenience. It was demeaning and damaging.
In the end, I had to do the breaking up for him. Because he was too indirect to do it himself. I’m still in one hell of a lot of pain, and … I’m sure he’s already forgotten my name … 🙁
I’m not that angry, at least consciously. I don’t think he behaved well – some of the things he did were pretty messed up – but I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I don’t want to bitch about him to other people IRL especially since this isn’t a big city (online is a different story). I’m just so sad I want to shrivel up and disappear.
He is not coming back. I’ll bet a month’s salary on that one.
Hi Min Sheldon.
Your ex had been neglecting himself, so he’s got a lot to work on. He has to figure out why he emotionally shut off (what triggered this behavior) so he can then connect with romantic partners and maintain his relationships.
When you detach and realize that this person wasn’t emotionally capable of being the partner you wanted him to be, you’ll feel much better. So be strong for now and you’ll see that this breakup needed to happen for both of you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Min!
This is exactly my experience. I’m happy to discuss if you’d like to 🙂
Zan,
You are a brilliant analyst. I know talent. Thanks for writing this. I especially appreciate how you don’t tell people what they want to hear. Instead you write the truth, and make us see that our exes are not all we made them out to be. You also focus on self improvement.
I’m very interested in what you have to say about sociopathy. Perhaps one of these days you will write about these people. I looked at some articles from the U.S. National Institute of Health, the NIH statistics say that the rate of sociopathy in America could be as high as 1 in 4. People presenting with this disorder excel in politics, law enforcement, finance, and the military.
I wonder if you have clients who have dated sociopaths?
Hi Claire.
I don’t think sociopathy is as rare as NIH statistics say. I had cases where dumpers took advantage of dumpees, but they had different reasons for doing that. Some were heartbroken and depressed while others were after money, status, or some kind of benefit that would make their life easier. I have to write about people who use others.
Thank you,
Zan
Yes, we talked in a one-on-one conversation with Zan! my ex lacked the motivation to fix his issues. And you are right when you said that the dumper associates certain negative emotions with the dumpee’s persona!
I am always learning from you, Zan. Thank you a lot 🤍
Thanks for reading, Linda. I’m learning a lot from you as well!
Best regards,
Zan