Breakups can be so devastating we often begin to question our ex’s loyalty and affection. Questions, such as “Did my ex ever love me, did our relationship mean nothing to my ex, how was my ex able to leave so easily” cross our mind.
And when they do, these questions often plague our mind for so long with such intensity that we frequently begin to question even our own rationality.
We start to think about the times when we argued and “messed up badly” with our ex. And the sad thing is that these thoughts don’t go away easily.
They instead perpetuate and quickly develop into an obsession that forces us to reflect on our relationship. That’s how we compulsively commence our self-blaming campaign and fall into depression.
Because of our weakened mental state, the breakup causes us to self-examine ourselves inside-out. And although our thoughts are fixated on our ex-dumper, we tend to blame ourselves for what’s happened.
We sincerely believe it’s our fault our ex “unloved” us and moved on. But in reality, our ex’s motives have more to do with our ex than it does with us. We just don’t initially realize this because of our damaged emotional state.
So if you’re thinking “Did my ex ever love me or was it all a lie” you might find some valuable information in this article.
Did my ex ever love me?
Your ex most likely loved you while you were still in a relationship with him or her. It really depends on the intensity, duration, and the quality of the relationship.
My guess is s that your ex told you the three magic words many times or at least often enough. And that’s precisely why you find your ex’s words and promises confusing right now.
But try not to think too negatively about it as you probably have no reason to doubt your ex. Not unless your ex never expressed love to you at all.
So even if your ex wasn’t the most expressive type out there, your ex likely still showed you affection in various different styles.
According to Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages, there are 5 ways different ways a romantic partner can love you.
They are:
- words of affirmation
- quality time
- acts of service
- physical touch
- and receiving gifts
Normally, the way a person prefers to receive love, he or she usually gives it as well. This means that if your ex liked to hold your hand, hug you, and keep you close, he or she predominantly expressed love non-verbally.
Another great example is if your ex bought or made gifts for you frequently and observed your reaction. In doing so, your ex showed you love and care in a very indirect way.
Ways to know if your ex even loved you
If your ex loved you as he or she stated, then your ex likely told you so on his or her own accord. Your ex probably said the magic words frequently enough to make you feel happy, and at the same time—make himself or herself feel good.
That’s one way you can be certain your ex loved you at the time.
But if your ex never expressed love willingly, then your ex’s affection is questionable. This is especially true if your ex only said the “I love you too’s” when you said it first.
In that case, chances are that your ex merely reciprocated your words and not your love. So instead of telling you that he or she loves you, your ex just appeased your needs.
Of course, there are people out there who don’t shower their partners with “I love yous,” but still…
Most of the time you can feel if a person is being genuine. You just have to observe his or her actions long enough to figure your partner out.
Another way to tell whether your ex loved you is to consider the other 4 love languages mentioned above.
Once you’ve done that, try to answer some important questions.
Was there romance and affection throughout your relationship? Did your ex do things for you to make you happy? How was your ex’s relationship with your friends and family? Did your ex talk about his or her ex-partner/s a lot?
These are all basic, yet incredibly important questions that matter more than you may think. You just have to be willing to go deeper and examine your ex’s behavior.
When you do, you will have the answer as to whether your ex ever really loved you.
Did you feel emotionally fulfilled most of the time?
One of the best ways to tell if your ex ever loved you is to remember how you felt throughout the relationship. Did you feel deprived of love, significance, attention, care, respect, or commitment?
If the answer is yes, then your ex might have starved you for validation—which essentially made you even more emotionally dependent on him or her.
This is something that could prove your ex didn’t love you—or didn’t love you enough to make you happy. Your ex would have been too busy with his or her own life to pay any attention to yours.
So give evaluate your emotional well-being throughout your relationship and you will quickly discern whether your ex loved you.
Ironically, most relationships start off rather fast and slow down a lot after 3, 4 months later after the honeymoon period has ended. So if that’s what’s happened to you, then your relationship wasn’t equipped with longevity.
Your relationship probably got dry after the initial sparks of attraction waned and the arguments escalated.
So don’t despair if your relationship took a turn for the worse all of a sudden. Most relationships that lack a proper mindset and maturity eventually do.
It’s really only a matter of time.
If my ex loved me, then why did my ex break up with me?
As you know, people often take things for granted, find distractions, get busy with their lives, stop watering their relationships, and most importantly—stop working on themselves.
Because they put their attention on other things that they don’t yet have, they lose focus on that which they do have. As a result of various distractions, people sometimes inadvertently look for fresher, more exciting things and attach to them without their awareness.
Their mindset slowly—one day at a time begins to change from old and boring to new and exciting. And when the newness captivates them enough, they completely shift their focus onto whatever they decide is worthy of their attention.
And the same principles apply to your ex.
If your ex doesn’t value you enough, he or she will, therefore, feel deeper emotions for something or someone new. This could be anything from a single life full of new adventures to a completely different person.
The possibilities of new and exciting things are endless. That’s why your ex could probably explain what caught his or her eye better.
Your ex loved you. Just not enough
If I may generalize, dumpers who lose attraction for their partner are usually the type of people who don’t have their priorities straight. They are still looking for “better” instead of making their “great” into the best it can be.
So even though your ex loved you for a while, that probably stopped when the “next best thing” came along. How could it possibly work when your ex thought that he or she can do or deserves better?
Because of such a self-destructive mentality, your ex just didn’t feel the love – that spark ⚡ of attraction as strongly as you did. And that’s why your ex chose to run away the moment he or she couldn’t reciprocate your feelings.
It’s unfortunate that your relationship has come to an end. It’s especially sad if your relationship was working out for the most part.
But as you probably know, breakups happen for a reason. Something, someone, somehow affected your ex’s rational thinking.
That’s when a new source of supply quickly helped your ex detach and reattach—leaving you replaced.
By source of supply, I’m not implying that your ex started dating someone else. I’m merely saying that your ex searched for a new person or activity to keep him or her busy and push you out of his or her life.
In so doing, you were no longer a priority, but rather just a backup plan in case something goes wrong.
Is it my fault my ex stopped loving me?
It’s true that dumpees’ actions usually impel dumpers to feel certain negative emotions. It’s also true that dumpees often cause the breakup in various relationship-damaging ways.
Some of these ways include neglect, cheating, lying, blocking, manipulating, neediness, and all sorts of insolent behavior.
But most of the time, dumpees’ actions aren’t the only culprits responsible for the breakup. Sure, they encourage the dumpers to think and feel negatively toward them, but they don’t single-handedly cause the breakup.
Oftentimes breakups occur because dumpees react badly to the dumpers’ lack of presence. This means that dumpers inadvertently force their dumpees to act on instinct out of fear and unhappiness.
And when dumpees portray anxious demeanor, they only make things worse by repelling their detached dumpers.
Your ex loved you for as long as he/she felt attracted to you
Your ex’s mentality is your ex’s alone to deal with. This means that what your ex says, thinks, feels, and does is his or her responsibility.
Provided your ex is an adult, of course.
That’s why the saying, “He made me do it” can’t be justified in this world. It’s just not a valid excuse for anything in life. Especially not in breakups and crime.
You as a loyal ex-partner merely played a role in your ex’s life. That role was called; an external influencer—which implies that you lacked control when it came to making your ex’s final decisions and actions.
All you did was influence your ex in whichever way you knew how. And that’s it.
You were your ex’s partner, after all. Not his or her brains and hands.
Your ex chose to stop loving you
Since your ex’s relationship mentality wasn’t the same as yours, we can say that your ex willingly “unloved” you. This detachment, therefore, occurred due to your ex’s lack of emotional self-control—inspired by something/someone new.
That’s why you shouldn’t blame yourself for your ex-partner’s actions because he or she decided to break up with you on his or her own. You shouldn’t even grieve over your loss when your ex isn’t showing any signs of regret.
But that’s way easier said than done as emotions of heartbreak can be difficult to deal with.
As a matter of fact, they are even that much more difficult when your ex appears detached and seems to be having the time of his/her life.
So don’t get stuck in a never-ending cycle wondering, “Did my ex ever love me.” It will only drive you mad if you analyze the past and ask pointless questions all day long.
The truth is that your ex doesn’t love you anymore. If he or she loved you, your ex would realize your worth and do his or her best to stay by your side no matter what.
And that’s all that you need to acknowledge right now.
Can I make my ex love me again?
The quick answer is no.
You can’t talk your way back into a relationship with your ex no matter how smooth a talker you are. The reason why you lack the power to do so is because your ex has free will.
As we’ve already mentioned a few chapters ago—you can’t reason with your ex.
He or she has certain beliefs which are empowered with emotions. And getting past these built-up toxic emotions is mission impossible.
It’s so difficult to bypass your ex’s defenses because you ex intentionally keeps his or her hatred toward you alive. Your ex basically empowers his or her detachment, hatred, and a lack of respect for you every time your ex hears from you.
That’s why your presence only causes pain to your ex—and consequently, damage your already broken relationship.
That said, the only way to “make your ex love you again” is to let your ex be and focus on yourself.
And when enough time has passed by and your ex no longer feels threatened by you, you may or may not have a chance to talk to your ex on an equal footing again.
But until that happens, you don’t contact your ex first! You don’t do anything that shows your ex you still love him or her.
You instead prioritize yourself and enjoy your life for as long as your ex refuses to acknowledge your value.
Are you still wondering “Did my ex ever love me?” Did this article provide some insight? Kindly let me know what you think by commenting below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
My ex boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 8 months ago. I’ve managed to put most things behind me and look for closure within myself. However there’s one thing I don’t understand. My ex (long distance) told me he wanted to marry me and we had a deep conversation about having kids together and being together forever. For some reason only a week later he broke up with me because the long distance relationship was holding us ‘both’ back from what we really want to do. He hasn’t come back on that decision 1 time.. which I can’t wrap my head around. He was so in love with me, made so many promises and just one day (yes after a few arguments but we had those from time to time as any couple does) he decided to breakup. How can someone change so fast & not one time doubt the decision or wants to try again. Will he ever want to try again?
Kind regards,
P
Hi P.
He probably talked about marriage and kids because he wanted to force himself to feel hopeful and feel strongly about you. He didn’t change fast, but rather, detached over many weeks.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hmmmmm,? Two Marriage’s first a jump into senerio got married because she was pregnant and was respectful thing to do however she did it beind her parents back / so i was bad guy from get go with her parents later on after 1st child born she stared to changed more demanding & less carefree stress took its toll & i looked elsewhere for the friendship one looks for in a relationship which led to the demise of my first , however her allowing her father to stick his nose into our marriage did not help & the way she acted after our son was born ?? / I bring flowers to my wife after having our son & i get a new Rippin because i didn’t save the money for more important things / & THEN! I get told by her father we are moving into his house he’s making an apt. downstairs & going to pay him rent. & My family mother, father sis, etc are not allowed to come to the house? I informed my x of this she was uphauled i would say something like that but would never confront her father. he was always right! As far as she was concerned. & As far as i was concerned i & my wife made the choices for our life together & not her father which led to fights & as i stated another ear which turned into an affair & led to my first divorce on grounds of abandonment as she moved out of apartment back to her parents’ home
My second marriage, LOL! Couldn’t stay away from other men & had a nose candy problem / First year was great loving caring a true best of both world’s romance she was peg with our daughter and i worked two jobs to make sure we had everything as i also had to care for my son from 1st marriage .after daughter born started having issue’s with her brothers who lived in house & not helping pay their way & we lost the house as my pay could not take care of 5 people & bills / so we found a 1 bedroom apt and started our lives there & she wanted a part time job to break away from the everyday things, I myself working two job’s was like ?? so i agreed within less than a month of her working she stared having an affair with a co. worker which led to such a break up & shameful to say a physical altercation with not only her which led to a slap in the mouth / but prior to catch her lover in our food pantry closet with just his pants on which needless to say me being part INDIAN & IRISH you can take it from there what took place ! . later after myself getting a place for me & my children to come & live on weekends & summer Vaca. she chooses to try & rekindle the flame which i was ready to try & work out. However, her mother steps in and threatens her with being disowned if she went back to me. so, the MATERILISTIC part of her got the better of her as whatever mom was going to leave to her in her will was more important than her marriage & daughter &she went out & got pregnant by some other guy while still married to me which of course led to a divorce on grounds of adultery & abandonment.
You see i was brought up old school my grandparents loved one another to the grave on my mom side & my dad’s they had a break for a while but came back together a few yrs. before the end. The love was there just somethings they could agree upon when in their mid-yrs. however I seen my first ex after almost 25yrs of not seeing or conversating as my SON @ 16 yrs. of age choose to disown everyone, & she did not know who i was. Once i told her she was like in awe as did not recognize me & stated if you did not tell me i would not have known! She was short to the point and abruptly turn & left with one question to me before leaving > If i was happy where I was?
I have never told her where i moved to & or where i live anything at all of my financial status. / In the past 10 yrs. of where i live i have to shop in same Store’s she does & have only cross paths 1 time in 10 yrs. of me shopping there.
Funny thing after all this time, I still let her get into my head & allow what i use to feel & what i do feel in my sub con , bother me. she is like branded on my mind let alone on my arm in a tattoo which reminds me she has a mini of same on her hip i am sure each time she sees it it reminds her //
Sorry Folk’s had to vent !
Ex girlfriend broke up with me out of nowhere 2 weeks ago. Big surprise as everything was going well. It can definitely drive you nuts. You question everything from your attractiveness, to was it real, or was she using me, and did she cheat on me. I can tell you everyday since the breakup I have been trying to find answers. I messed up no contact and bothered her so much making things worse. She left me confused like a lost kid in a crowd. It’s hard guys but in it you have to find some sort of strength. If that is what you call love then I no longer want to participate in it. For me in the relationship there were times were I wanted to end it because I felt my needs weren’t being met, but I worked on it with her as love in my eyes is constant you change your idea based in feeling. Just because I felt invalidated doesn’t mean I don’t still love her. But it can feel like it. That’s what you call love. If someone wants the romantic Hollywood version of love then your relationships will not last because it’s not real. Love is about working through your challenges together. Looks and attraction fades over time people have the wrong idea about love. Yes it has romance but it’s the bad times that prove love in my opinion.
Bill, I agree with you about the {hard times proves the ” real love “}
*Two have to have the same understanding! *
The same wants, needs & expectations. & Same feelings towards one another.
This is a very, VERY large part of what makes a relationship work & last for many, many, many yrs. It is just a shame a lot don’t realize until their so old it’s too late to find one & if they do 9 times out of ten it for security purposes & not real LOVE !
My ex-wife still blames me after 2 years. She’s the one who left and had a continuous affair with her boss. Why does she still blame me ?
I was also blamed for everything also. Its just projection. When they feel guilty they are good at ending things and blaming you to make themselves feel better to a degree. I’ve not met one woman who holds herself accountable for her own mishaps. I just laughed when she blamed me because it’s typical of her. Don’t take that personal but I feel your disarray. You can never make a woman happy it’s a sad thing but true. And no matter what you do she still blames you anyway. I don’t mind the dramas because it adds to the thrill of relationships but when it comes to an end and your to blame is another story all together
Thanks for writing this inspirational message, Billy. I’m glad you’ve realized that relationships require work and that you shouldn’t blame yourself if the person you love gives up on you.
Best regards,
Zan
Love dosnt start quickly and it certainly dosnt end quickly. How someone can just choose to stop loving another person ill never understand, to me love just wouldn’t allow that.
Because people that do that do not know what love is. It happened to me too. They are the same people that move on quickly. Don’t worry/care about them and their lies. Concentrate on yourself and care about yourself.
My ex of 5 months broke up with me after I said enough was enough, and finally spoke my truth about how I’ve. been feeling about our relationship. Put up with 3 weeks of her distant, shady, excuse filled, Lying, neglecting behaviour. And finally I spoke up and told her I wasn’t putting up with her shenanigans anymore. After I called her out she stopped responding to my calls, texts and emails altogether. She blocked me on all social media platforms. And its been 10 months since.. And yes, my reaction did repel and play a part in the cause of this breakup. But how can I put it all on me, when she was trying to destroy it, and I was trying to save it? When I was looking to talk and figure what’s going on, and she was always avoiding me and making excuses with no follow ups to solutions like we always did. Not to be dramatic but I’ve never felt so helpless with how much that was killing me inside. Her laughs when she’d be out and lying to me was like watching the devil take a knife and stab me in the heart. Especially when we were planning on tying the knot this year.
Best advice I got is, stay focused on you. Be about your purpose. Clear all the negativity and toxicity out your life. Leave no room for those that bring you down. Whoever doesn’t want to be in your life, let them go. Whoever hurts you, forgive them. Whatever they are looking for, pray they find it. Because in the end love wins. Love conquers all. Love heals all. Practice it with yourself, with family and friends, strangers, animals and plants. Seek to be the best version of yourself and before you know it, life will bring you the kind of joy your could never give you.
Ok so basicaly my ex broke up with me because i got involved in one of his friendships with his new female friends he mer on a game. So i wanted to get closer w one of them and be friends and i started to talk ab our relationship but mostly about my insecurities and this girl told him everything and he got upset. Then he told me he was so hurt and the other day he wanted to talk and break up with me and he told me he still loved me. I talked to this girl again and told her about us splitting up and her acting up and telling him what i told her was a sh*tty attitude cause she peomised me she wouldnt say anything but she did. After we broke up he blocked me everywhere. Then weeks later i get like 4 texts and one missed call. He was like “can we please talk” “pls respond “im gonna die” and i send him a message back but i see that they arent delivering so im guessing he might of blocked me again. Thats the whole story. I didnt mean to like hurt him in any way but i find it dumb for him breaking up with me because of my insecurities. He had a lot of issues going on his life and told me everything and i always was there for him whenever he needed me the most. He still was rude but i always managed to stay and nevee leave his side no matter what. I tried my best to be a good grilfriend to gim and always felt like i was never enough even though he said i was. Everything happened, we always argued. I just dont even know if our relationship was fake or real.. honestly. After all this it makes me think that he only tried to manipulate me and use me to listen to all his problems and help him. I barely was talking about myself..
Hello,
First let me let you know i am a man , Secondly the way i feel as a man if i am telling you something private & personal it is{{for “only you” to know}} & help me with it if you can / The reason i enhance the notice of for only you to know is a form of *TRUST* , you broke that trust when you went to another source , I understand your caring to maybe try and seek help from another, but you do not go within one’s circle for the help Unless you know the ground rules of doing so. As you found out the one whom you confided in had feelings for him as well in what manor who knows ?why did she do it jealousy, friendship, ? as far as him breaking up with you I feel it was because of “not only he could not trust” you due to you going to another but also seems he may have some issue’s going on which prohibit him from having a true & complete relationship . some of us if not all have issue ‘s in our lives some worse than other’s and some not even worth worrying about / but the thing i am trying to say is TRUST is a big factor in a relationship knowing you were trying to help or reach out for help to help him & your relationship shows you cared // I have no idea what his lifestyle is or age or anything else / but if you have gone out of your way so many times & been there so many times seems you were in it for the long haul and maybe just maybe he has more on his plate the you know and also remember woman mature much faster than men.
& Me myself if i confide in a woman i expect her to keep it to herself! Unless she feels such as yourself to confide in another for help in resolving it, but one must be careful in doing so as you have found out could backfire
Hi zan
Been broke up with ex girlfriend of nearly two years nearly 8 months ago I had moved in with her last year which she wanted along with her 3 children there had been a lot of issues in her life with ex partners she had to move home on two occasions within a year which I helped her with enormously I still feel that she really loved me an something tells me she could possibly still do
I walked away feeling at the time undervalued tbh after a remark she made I thought it would give her a shock but after a month when we were trying to reconcile she changed altogether were I was apologetic for leaving but she hardened her position and eventually called an end to relationship I got desperate then apologised again wrote to her telling her how I felt about her I know you advise against it
I recently found there is someone else in the picture an could have been around as early as around breakup or after just wondering could this attribute to her not seeing me as she once did I’ve been heartbroken for months now add the factor she is seeing someone else
I know I could have made few mistakes after breakup even started it happening I have been in no contact trying now to get over it an move on but it’s been really tough
I got an angry txt from her few weeks ago which I didn’t reply to as I let it be known that I’m aware of someone else
She has been really angry towards me throughout I’m at a loss sometimes to even understand it all because in a way thought at was us for life
Any advice mate
Stíofán
Hello Zan and thank you for yet another insightful and helpful article.
It’s a valuable paradox: to swallow the depressing truth than an Ex no longer loves you, yet:
To feel Liberated by the understanding that it was entirely their doing, their intentional choice, and the responsibility lies on their behavior.
Dumpees stuck in self-blame and rumination over unanswerable questions regarding their Ex’s feelings and actions will benefit greatly by what you have written here.
Thanks again.
Hi Ava.
Breakups often cause dumpees to question their relationships. Dumpees think that their ex was not in the relationship for love and commitment and that it was all a deception.
But what they don’t realize is that love doesn’t always last forever. The truth is that it can end as quickly as it started.
Best regards,
Zan