Breaking Up With Someone You Live With

Breaking up with someone you live with

Breaking up with someone you live with is not much different than breaking up with someone you don’t live with. The biggest difference is that you must establish some healthy post-breakup boundaries and discuss who and when is going to move out.

You must have a peaceful discussion with your ex-partner regarding your belongings, shared responsibilities, finances, children, house rules, sleeping arrangements, who can visit and when, communication, and behavior.

By talking about post-breakup matters early on, you can avoid nasty surprises and arguments that would otherwise ensue. You can make sure that you and your ex are on the same page about how to act and what to expect.

This is required for the breakup to unfold smoothly and be healthy.

So if you’re thinking of breaking up with someone you live with, know that you’ll need to make some changes in the house. You and your ex will have to compromise on how to live together as exes and stick to your agreements.

If you don’t come to any agreements or don’t stick to them, chances are someone will do something that hurts the other person and make the breakup more difficult than it has be.

Someone will trigger strong unwanted emotions such as jealousy, fear, and anxiety in the other person and create unnecessary difficulties and problems that could have been avoided.

Keep in mind that breakups make ex-couples highly emotional and that they bring out the worst in people. You want to make certain that you treat your ex-partner fairly and respectfully at all times.

Respectful behavior is anything that shows you understand what your partner is going through and that you care about his or her feelings. Your empathy is the least your partner deserves for staying with you until the end.

So if you want to know how to break up with someone you live with, break up with him or her at home when the time is right for your partner. A good time would be when your partner has finished work and doesn’t have any important tasks and responsibilities for a few days.

Friday after work or school would be ideal as your partner will need a few days to deal with shock and overwhelming separation anxiety and fears.

During the breakup conversation, explain why you’re breaking up all of a sudden and how you expect the breakup to affect your lives. Your partner needs to know that the end of a romantic relationship means the end of bonding, words of affirmation, and the things couples do together.

It means that you’re no longer going to be intimate and sleep in the same bed. If you were to sleep together, your partner might try to give and receive affection. And that would delay the time it takes him or her to detach and become emotionally independent.

That’s why it’s best not to put yourselves in situations that give your ex hope and smother you.

You’ll have a much healthier and happier post-breakup experience if you draw a physical and emotional diving line between you and your partner.

This implies you mustn’t sleep together or tell each other you still love each other. That’s not how you’ll distance yourselves from each other and move on because you’ll get closer and become dependent on each other for validation and guilt relief.

What you must do is look for ways to disassociate from each other and focus on yourselves. And you can do that by asking for space as soon as the breakup occurs. The sooner you talk about the breakup rules the better.

This post is for dumpers who are considering breaking up with someone they live with. We’ll talk about how to break up with your live-in partner and discuss the rules you should set if you want to have a clear transition.

Tips for breaking up with someone you live with

The first thing you must do when you break up with a person you live with is calmly explain why you’re breaking up. This is the most important part of the breakup as your explanation can give your ex closure or make your ex anxious and blame himself or herself.

Depending on how patient, caring, expressive, and empathetic you appear, you can make your partner’s breakup experience manageable, confusing, difficult, or a living hell on earth.

Your partner’s ability to handle rejection and stress matters as well, of course, but what plays an even bigger role is that you set your differences and hard feelings aside and try to be as honest as you can be.

Answering your ex’s questions truthfully can make healing a lot easier for your ex as it can help your ex find closure and accept the breakup. Lying, dodging your ex’s answers, or answering them half-truthfully, on the other hand, can make your ex search for answers alone and elsewhere, increase your ex’s suffering, and prolong your ex’s healing by months.

As a dumper, you want to help your ex as much as you can so your ex can recover fast, leave you alone as fast as possible, and stop making you feel guilty and pressured.

It’s, therefore, better for both parties that you have the breakup talk and get things over with as soon as possible. Don’t delay important conversations just because talking with your ex is difficult and makes you feel uncomfortable.

Your ex will go through a much more unpleasant and prolonged experience than you. Your ex will suffer from rejection and separation anxiety. And you need to be aware of that, show that you care, and offer support.

Once you’ve discussed what went wrong in the relationship and shown empathy, it’s time to talk about how you expect the breakup to unfold. As I mentioned earlier, you can’t continue to live in the same place and be in each other’s way.

Someone (probably you – the dumper) is eventually going to start dating someone else and hurt the dumpee.

That can’t happen while you live under the same roof. Your ex doesn’t need to see that you’re in love with another person already and that he or she needs to compete for your love. Your ex mustn’t know whether you’re dating and what you’re doing in your free time.

Not knowing much about your life is necessary because it helps your ex recover from rejection and find meaning in life again.

So make sure that someone moves out of the house as quickly as possible. And while that person is looking for a place to stay, avoid looking for new people to date. It’d be extremely selfish and unfair to monkey-branch to someone new while your ex-partner is still picking up the remnants of his or her self-esteem and thinking about reconnecting with you.

Always remember that you have a moral responsibility to provide answers, assuage your ex’s pain, and avoid hurting your ex. And you have to do these things in a way that avoids promising things you don’t mean and giving away hope.

You must also do your best to avoid crying, blaming yourself, calling yourself names, and making it seem like your ex is the most perfect person in the world, and that you’re entirely responsible for the breakup. That could make your ex sympathize with you rather than himself/herself and prevent your ex from reflecting on his or her shortcomings.

It’s always better to be honest (but not so honest that you’re mean).

Breaking up with someone you live with is difficult because unless someone has friends or relatives to stay with, you’ll be forced to see each other and interact with each other. You’ll need to communicate from time to time and avoid acting on your negative emotions.

This means that you as a dumper will have to ignore uncomfortable emotions whereas your ex will have to remain strong, avoid begging and getting angry, and find ways to cope with the breakup.

Honestly, breaking up with a person you live with isn’t the most difficult part of the breakup. The hardest part is staying physically close to your ex and feeling awkward around him or her. Because you’ll feel awkward and appear cold and distant, the stand-offish body language and tone will probably make your ex feel extremely unloved, unworthy, and anxious.

It will make your ex crave your love and recognition more than ever before.

So be mindful of how you communicate with your live-in ex. Be conscious of the words you say, the tone behind those words, and the actions you take.

With that said, here’s how you should break up with someone you live with.

How to break up with someone you live with

You may feel bad for leaving your live-in partner, but whatever you do, don’t act like you’re still together. It’s okay to show that you care about your partner’s health and well-being, but don’t give the impression that you care romantically.

Any indication that you might still have feelings will make your ex extremely hopeful and reliant on you for healing.

So try to remain resolute. Don’t look uncertain because your ex will most definitely see it as an opportunity to convince you to come back and ignore the need to get over the breakup.

Don’t let your living situation decide whether you stay with your ex

Whatever you do, don’t base your decision about breaking up with your live-in partner on how much worse your life is going to get if you move out. If you don’t love your partner and don’t want to work on the relationship, moving out is the only option (not an option).

By finding a new place, you’ll be doing yourself and your partner a favor as you’ll be terminating a relationship you don’t have the love and determination to maintain.

It may not feel right at first, but when you stop feeling guilty and see that you’re okay emotionally, you’ll know that breaking up was the right thing to do.

So if you have children, finances, or mental health problems that make it difficult for you to separate from your partner, know that staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy is much worse than clinging to your partner for a false feeling of safety.

By waiting for your children to grow up, you’ll be signing a self-torture sentence for yourself, which will negatively affect your children.

It will make them grow up in an unhealthy/loveless environment.

And if you don’t have children, then you’ll be stressing yourself and your partner because you’ll be staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in and making your partner hungry for your validation and love.

Some people stay with their partner for years because they feel guilty, lack emotional strength, or think they owe their partner or kids favors. But all such people do is remain unhappy, project their unhappiness onto others, make others worry about them, and prolong the breakup.

Sooner than later, most of them break up because they can’t change their perceptions of their partner. They don’t have the willpower, energy, and skills to wipe the slate clean.

So if you think that breaking up with someone you live with is a bad idea solely because you live together and it’d be inconvenient, think again. After some thinking, you’ll realize that breaking up is better than staying in a relationship in which you can’t be your true self.

Are you thinking of breaking up with someone you live with? Why you do want to break up with him/her? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to keep things private and confide in us alone, check out our coaching options here.

6 thoughts on “Breaking Up With Someone You Live With”

  1. First of all, Zan, thank you so much for this blog, I’ve been reading it non-stop for the last two days and I find it outstandingly well-written, lucid, and insightful.

    My girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me a week ago, but she hasn’t moved out yet. I pay the rent for the apartment so it was a given that I’d stay, and I assumed she’d leave and live in a hotel for a while until she finds her own place. Instead, she stayed and kept doing the usual stuff that she’d been doing when we were together – buy food, wash dishes and clothes, take care of our pets, etc. We sleep in different rooms.

    I’m not sure how to interpret that. Part of me hopes that she changed her mind and this is her way of showing that she might take me back one day. Another part tells me she is just avoiding the hassle of finding a new place, waiting till she regains her mental strength to move out. I know that I’d better lose hope, but moving out and forcing a “no contact” situation is something I find myself unable to do. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so much in advance.

    1. Hi Oleg.

      My advice is to talk to her about things that concern you both. Try to respect her privacy and space so she can feel free and in control of her life. Always remember that she’s the dumper and that she can’t handle any more pressure and negativity. So stay composed, show respect, and let her do what she wants as long as she doesn’t hurt you.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  2. My ex and I use to t live together 4-5 days out of a week in Dallas. Once we moved here b/c I got into PT school we started living together full time. The first month was great. Then second month as Physical therapy got hard with all the exams and her classes and work also got more stressful. Things were hard. We started having fights and arguments. All the fights were started by her. We had 5 fight leading up to the break up. My ex has the tendency to leave that environment / space. So when we were in Dallas she would make me leave or she would go to the other room. Now in Austin her brother lives 5 mins away and she went to his place. After the 4th fight, We took a break which lasted for the weekend. We decided to meet up and try again. She told me this is my last chance. We made a list of thing that we would do to make sure there weren’t any fights. She tested me for 4 day once she came back and then we had another fight and she decided to breakup with me. When we broke up she said everyone told her that she is coming back to me I will be on my best behavior.

    She came back a week later to pick up more of her things. And then another week later to pick up more things. Tbh It felt like my life was falling apart in front of my eyes.

    I did begged and tried to make her see my love and come back twice (one of those time I crossed). The next day she made a collaborative sex playlist with some random guy and put songs that we use to make love to in it. That sent me spiraling. Then couple days later I decided to end the lease caz everything there reminded me of her. So I told her to come through and give me the money and talk to me.
    We talked about why we broke up again. She told me same shit and how it was all my fault (this is a month after).

    The next time I saw her was when she came to pickup some last of her things. We talked I told her to block me from all social media caz I keep looking at her shit and it’s making me sad. She did but in the process she informed me that she is on bumble to meet new guys, Which hurt alot and then she blame me again for everything and left.

    We did no contact after that but due the apartment situation I had to break it. then she came back and took all the rest of her stuff. I was like so I will never see you again huh. She was like idk.

    And after that we didn’t meet again for 2 weeks until last week. After taking all her stuff she left her bear that her dad gave her at the apartment and wanted to give me back the earrings my family gave her. We talked about being friends and stuff in couple of years once we are both done hurting.

    She told me she dated some douche and that guy didn’t treat her right. She is hurting alot after our breakup and seeing a therapist for her pain. Then while being all sad, she received a call from some dude. She was all happy talking to him didn’t tell him that she was at our apartment with me. Gave him some excuse. told him she will call him back. She said what you doing having sex. She laugh and said no. I will call you back. So new guy I guess. She how she talked to him, that smile, hurt. Then she went on to tell me she was hurting too just like me and she is not dating anyone. Wtf. She is single. She is seeing a therapist. She didn’t want to be with me still I guess. We talked about the break-up again. She told me she left for herself. She was at her limit how hard things were. She told me to let her go. She said I need to let her go. I was like fine I hope you have a good life take care of yourself. She said the same to me and left.

    After that I went back to the empty apartment and I got upset and angry and I called her and yelled at her “how could you give up so easily, (she said I am hanging up) we had like 4 /5 –”
    And she hung up. Then I called her like 6 more times no answer.

    Tbh she has all the power rn. She know I love her and want her in my life. Idk how to get this power back and idk how to get over her?

    Do you think she will ever come back? do you think that seeing a therapist for her mental health will bring us back together at all?

    We are currently back to no contact.

    1. No. The therapist won’t help her and most likely she will stop seeing it after a couple of times. She clearly doesn’t care about you and the relationship. For her this is a dead end so she has no reason to try to change or make things better. The fact that she had this conversation in front of you should be an indicator how much she doesn’t care about you and your feelings. Eventually you will get over her. You will realise how bad this relationship could have ended up if you stayed together. You would have lost yourself completely. I was in the exact same situation and took me almost 8 months to realise that. Now I’m glad that she is not part of my life anymore. I miss her occasionally and think about her but hell no to be back with her again. Time will heal you but it doesn’t mean you don’t have a task to do. Shitty days ahead of you so brace yourself but this too shall pass.

  3. Always amazed by your way of writing.
    thank you for helping me understand more and tips for breaking up with someone you live with

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