Sometimes, couples break up twice before they learn the lessons they need to learn and start taking their relationship seriously. Other times, they break up twice, thrice, or even 4 times but still don’t change a thing. They blame each other and act like the relationship will survive anything they throw at it.
Such couples lack gratitude as they tend to keep pushing their limits and expecting each other to adjust.
Two breakups may be less than four breakups, but they’re still a sign of some unresolved, recurring issue. They’re a pattern that you haven’t been able to identify and/or change to avoid breaking up the second time. I don’t know what caused the breakup, but you must fix it if you intend to have a relationship with your ex.
You must fix it even if you don’t plan on getting back with your ex. The next person (whomever it may be) must see that you’re a developed person capable of healthy communication and working on a romantic relationship.
It’s important to put the relationship (or your future relationship) before your ego and pride. Think about how you contributed to the breakup and what you could have done differently to avoid bringing the worst out of your ex. When you know where you went wrong, you’ll take responsibility for your actions, develop self-awareness, and make your ex feel understood and respected as a person.
It may be too late to fix things as your ex may not have any feelings and want you back, but at least you’ll change your unhealthy (thinking) patterns and have better relationships with people. You don’t have anything to lose by investing in yourself. Self-investment may take energy, time, and money, but it’s a worthy investment.
Relationship skills are needed to maintain healthy relationships and avoid breaking up.
So if you’re breaking up twice with a person you love, remember that you, your partner, or (most likely) both are doing something wrong. You’re probably failing to understand each other’s opinions and feelings. Instead of listening to each other and making the necessary changes, you’re acting in ways that feel natural to yourselves but not to each other.
This causes you to disconnect emotionally and leave when frustrations build up.
Two breakups are a serious warning sign. They indicate that you’re not compatible as partners at the moment and that you have some serious work to do. If you don’t work on yourselves and get rid of the incompatibilities that break you up, you’ll keep breaking up until you get tired of each other and break up for good. You might even become bitter and resentful—and ruin the relationship forever.
Therefore, consider the breakup an opportunity to learn and grow. Whether you still love each other and want to get back together or you feel it’s time to move forward separately, this phase allows for reflection and personal development. It’s the perfect chance to evolve as people and partners and have more successful romantic relationships in the future.
Don’t just blame your ex. Don’t blame yourself either. Think about your actions (or the lack of them), acknowledge your mistakes, and work on them. You need to take the breakup seriously to become a better version of yourself. You have a lot of work to do.
If you’re a dumpee, you probably take the breakup personally and feel inspired to change yourself. You don’t need to look for additional motivation to change and do better next time. If you’re a dumper, however, you likely don’t want to change much if anything at all. You’re happy with your relationship performance and who you are as a person.
You feel the need to grow only if you understand you hurt your ex (feel guilty) and want to be better. For dumpers, guilt seldom leads to personal growth. Usually, it makes them avoid their ex and any responsibility that comes with it. Dumpers prefer not to think about their ex and their (immoral) actions. That explains why they tend to ignore dumpees and focus entirely on themselves.
If you broke up twice, you need to understand that you normalized breaking up. You created a pattern where breaking up became a solution to difficult situations and emotions. Whenever there’s a problem you lack the tools and willpower to resolve, you immediately remember that you broke up before and that you can do it again.
By entertaining the idea of breaking up and feeling in control, you essentially develop a quitting mentality and become okay with threatening the breakup and/or leaving.
It doesn’t matter whether you broke up with your ex twice, if your ex left twice, or if the score is even. The fact that you broke up twice indicates that the foundation of the relationship has taken a beating and that it might not be repairable or strong enough to sustain a functional relationship.
Consider the relationship damaged and in need of significant repair. Without repair, it’s unlikely to get another chance and succeed long-term.
So bear in mind that breaking up twice with the same person is a wake-up call. It’s a reminder to engage in introspection and that failure to do so will result in romantic failure and suffering. The longer you ignore the need to grow, the less motivated you’ll feel to make meaningful changes and improvements.
In today’s article, we discuss what breaking up twice means for you and your ex.
Learn why you broke up twice
Your main task, whether you’re a dumpee or a dumper is to learn why you broke up with the same person twice. You must understand why the breakup happened so you know what to work on and how to avoid breaking up. If you don’t know why your relationship failed, you may be further from having a successful relationship than you realize.
You’re still on step 1 as you lack understanding of relationship problems and solutions to those problems. At the moment, you think, feel, and act as before and make the same errors. This means you’re on the same path you were before the breakup and will likely break up when similar issues arise.
The breakup can teach you lessons, but only if you’re open to them. It can’t teach you how to maintain a relationship if you hold your ex entirely responsible for the breakup and refuse to analyze your own mistakes.
The person initiating the breakup should willingly explain why he or she ended the relationship. The dumper should do this so the dumpee can get closure, accept the breakup, and grow. Without closure, the dumpee needs much longer to get through the breakup. That’s because he or she must dedicate a lot of time to understanding things the dumper refused or failed to express properly.
So, first things first; avoid blaming your ex for everything. Figure out where and why you made mistakes and why it’s important to do better in the future. A clear understanding of your mistakes will take you to step 2 – gathering the motivation to change the things that are in your power to change. Motivation is necessary to establish healthy boundaries and make long-term changes.
Without a strong desire to change, you won’t work on yourself seriously and long enough. You’ll either shift your attention to something more interesting or lose interest as soon as you feel a bit better and think your ex should do all the work.
To grow and have a better relationship with your ex or someone else, you can read self-help books, journal your thoughts, feelings, mistakes, and solutions, sign up for therapy, hire a life coach, or talk to mentors who understand the importance of personal development. You need to take an active approach to your breakup. That way, you’ll outgrow your current self and form healthier and stronger relationships.
Most people like to think that they’re developed and more than capable of being in a long-term relationship. They don’t understand that relationship success requires work and that they weren’t born with relationship skills. That’s why they often think highly of themselves and project their problems onto others.
If you want your next relationship to be fulfilling and strong, you must do the work now that the breakup is fresh. Figure out why you broke up twice and if getting back together is something you want. If it is, learn whether you want your ex back because of a post-breakup attachment or if you genuinely love your ex.
Love and willingness to invest in yourself and the relationship are good reasons to reconnect romantically whereas getting back just to ease your pain is not. Pain may compel you to be with your ex, but it won’t prevent you from breaking up. Once you reconnect, it will quickly disappear and expose your flaws.
Having said that, here’s what you should focus on if you broke up with your ex twice.
Is there any hope for us?
There’s always hope, but hope isn’t always a good thing. When the dumper doesn’t want to get back together or the relationship is unhealthy, it’s better to not get back together even if you get a chance to do so.
Before you try to reconcile, you should find out how your ex feels about you and whether he or she is prepared to invest in parts that need investing. If your ex expects you to do all the work, you won’t have a balanced relationship no matter how badly you want to be with your ex. You’ll have a relationship in which you constantly work to impress your ex and try to receive his or her validation.
This kind of relationship will likely lead to another breakup and pain. It will be hard to avoid breaking up the third time because the dumper will refuse to admit his or her flaws and strive to become a better partner. Consider getting back with your ex only if your ex appears to have opened his or her eyes, matured, and committed to constant growth.
Getting back with your ex when your ex has no intention of changing and returning your power would be a big mistake. Not only would your ex feel empowered and in control, but he or she would also take you for granted and feel tempted to leave again.
It’s super important that the dumper realizes the dumpee’s worth and treats him or her with utmost care and respect (as an equal). Respect allows ex-couples to wipe the slate clean and give the relationship another chance.
All in all, whether you reconcile is up to you. Just make sure that this breakup is the last one. You can’t keep breaking up and getting back together because it’s lowering the standard in the relationship. You either stay together and work on things that break you up or stay broken up and prepare for a new relationship.
Don’t keep forcing the relationship if you’re not willing or able to make the necessary changes.
If you got dumped, your top priority is to recover emotionally and give your ex space to feel relieved and explore his or her new life. And if you did the dumping, you must think about the relationship and whether you and your ex have what it takes to grow individually and as a couple. If you’re set in your ways, it’s better to get some space and eventually connect with people you don’t have to compromise so much with.
Whether you’re a dumpee or a dumper, spend some time on your own in no contact and figure out if you’re compatible as partners. Your perception of your ex and the relationship may change when you regain your identity and see what life is like without your ex.
Are you breaking up twice with your ex? What was the reason for the second breakup? Describe your breakup situation in the comments below.
If you’d like to discuss your breakup, feel free to reach out. We offer a variety of coaching programs tailored to your specific needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
