My Ex Is Happy And I’m Miserable

The horror of seeing your ex happy when you’re miserable is devastating beyond comprehension.

“How can my ex be happy when I’m so miserable? Why is my ex posting happy pictures on social media when I’m dying on the inside? Is my ex happy in his new relationship?”

These are common questions broken-hearted dumpees ask themselves when their ex is in the 1st stage of a breakup for the dumper.

If this is you and you’re feeling miserable after the breakup, please read on.

My ex is happy and I’m not

It really hurts whenever I see dumpees in pain and their exes happy—on cloud 9 as if nothing happened.

The number of emails and messages I receive about happy exes is truly saddening.

I hear things, such as dumpers living their lives to the fullest, partying and dating others as if there’s no tomorrow.

I’m also told that they post their new “amazing” lives on social media and pretend like they’re on top of the world.

Dumpees, on the other hand, notice how elated their dumper appears to be and become miserable and depressed as a result.

Since they stalk the dumper, they can’t stop themselves from obsessing over their ex’s happiness or their new relationship.

Devastated dumpees also can’t stop themselves from wondering how their dumper was able to move on so quickly.

They think to themselves, “My ex is happy and I’m miserable. Did I not mean anything to my ex? I wish this nightmare would end already!“

They are in so much pain after the breakup, they would sell all their fortunes if they could be cured of the breakup blues and just get over their ex already.

Why am I so depressed after the breakup?

If you’re unhappy and your ex is happy, this is happening because of something called the dumpee’s syndrome.

In a nutshell, this breakup syndrome occurs when the dumpee is abandoned and his or her primal instincts kick in.

The dumpee’s syndrome entails:

• fear of loss
• hurt ego and self-esteem
• loss of security
• lack of direction
• craving what the dumpee can’t have
• separation anxiety
• attachment style distress
• withdrawal symptoms

All of the above-listed calamities cause the dumpee’s syndrome and the dumpee to suffer after the breakup.

These are just the initial breakup difficulties the dumpee faces. Unfortunately, there’s more.

The post-breakup terror

Once the dumpee has gone past the initial stages of grief, he or she then develops something I call the post-breakup terror.

Since the dumpee spends days and nights thinking about the dumper, he or she overvalues the dumper and puts him or her on a pedestal.

As a result of anxiety, the dumpee then transforms the dumper into a god-like being and fears him or her like one too.

This happens because of emotional dependence.

Furthermore, anything the dumper says and does after the breakup, the dumpee overanalyzes and misinterprets.

Consequently, the dumpee comes up with thousands of reasons for the dumper’s behavior and puts all of his or her hope into reconciliation.

Seeing the dumper happy also doesn’t help the dumpee one bit. If anything, it only deteriorates the dumpee’s health and slows down his or her recovery.

Oftentimes just seeing the dumper happy makes the dumpee so anxious, that merely hearing about his or her ex makes the dumpee’s hair stand on end.

Add depression and frequent setback on top of that and you have the post-breakup terror which soon develops into a fear of ex.

So when the dumper finally reaches out, the dumpee, as a result of the post-breakup terror, experiences unbelievable anxiety and suffers from breakup symptoms all over again.

Why is my ex happy without me?

Contrarily to the dumpee’s syndrome and the post-breakup terror, dumpers suffer from the dumper’s syndrome.

This means that as a result of the breakup, your ex is incredibly happy without you.

It’s not about who you are as a person and what you provide, but rather about the act of dumping itself.

You see, letting go of someone shouldn’t feel good, but it does. Because the dumper has been intending to break up for so long, he or she felt trapped and miserable.

So once the dumper finally initiated the separation, he or she began to feel ecstatic.

We could describe this breakup feeling as euphoric and compare it to the honeymoon stage of a new relationship.

This is because suddenly everything appears peaceful, fresh and magical.

Pre-breakup struggle

Dumpers also create certain emotions. Contrarily to the dumpee’s syndrome, these emotions occur before the breakup.

Since dumpers are far from suffering from withdrawal and low self-esteem, they instead experience emotions that are absolutely toxic to the romantic relationship.

We’ll call this phenomenon the pre-breakup struggle.

The pre-breakup struggle includes:

• doubt
• anxiety
• guilt
• suffocation and lack of freedom/independence

These are the culprits that caused the breakup. They are emotions that triggered the dumper’s syndrome and drove your ex away.

So if you consider the dumpee’s syndrome, post-breakup terror, pre-breakup struggle and the dumper’s syndrome, you will have a clear picture of your emotions as well as your ex’s.

You will understand why your ex is happy and the reason you’re miserable.

Ex seems happy after the breakup

If your ex seems happy after the breakup and you ‘re not, please don’t fall for your ex’s illusion. I know it hurts to see your ex happy when you’re crying in bed in pain.

If your ex seems exuberantly happy at your expense, don’t get pulled into depression. It really has nothing to do with you as a person.

As we mentioned earlier, your ex is happy because of all the pre-breakup and post-breakup emotions that have very little to do with you.

Your ex seems elated because he or she lacks:

• a lot of self-awareness
• and a deeper understanding of the breakup emotions

Your ex merely goes with the flow. The brain is telling your ex to be happy, so your ex obeys. There’s nothing wrong with being happy, right?

What if your ex’s happiness is at your expense? Is it still okay for your ex to be happy? Well… that’s for you to decide.

If you’re willing to forgive your ex for not caring about your well-being, then that’s okay.

The point is that dumpers don’t know why they feel happy. The first thought that comes to their mind is, “Wow! I’m so happy because of the breakup. It was clearly the right thing to do.“

Reacting instead of acting

People are instinctual and therefore react to all sorts of stimuli. If someone tells us we’re ugly, we become defensive and feel angry.

When we’re told we are appreciated, we feel flattered and happy and we automatically like the person back. And when our partners break up with us, we feel the loss and therefore, grieve in depression.

Dumpers react in the exact same way. They are human beings capable of all sorts of emotions as well.

On the day of the breakup, your ex is happy and you’re miserable. Both of you are reacting to what you want and need.

You want to be in a relationship with your partner and he or she wants to break free from it.

Since your ex gets what he or she wants, elation and relief protrude through the surface.

You, on the other hand, obviously don’t get what you want so you react negatively.

Become happy with yourself after the breakup!

Now, it makes sense that protons (positive) and electrons (negative) charges attract each other.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to breakups and life in general. It’s impossible to attract the dumper when he or she is unbelievably happy.

This is especially true if you’re miserable. It’s just not happening!

Like attracts like. You might have heard of the law of attraction and although I don’t advocate it, I agree with its basic concepts.

It’s important to become happy—especially when your ex is happy. You must, however, do it for yourself so that your life can resume and continue in the right direction.

Is it hard? Yes.

Is it worth it? You bet!

Only once you’ve accomplished happiness are you able to attract your ex back and not a second before.

No contact starts with you and ends with your ex

It’s of vital importance that you work on your happiness after the breakup. I don’t care if your ex hates your guts or if you’re so broke even your reality check bounced.

Every human being has his or her own troubles. This includes me, you, your friends or anyone you know and don’t know.

Getting out of negativity can be overcome. But for that to happen, you need to get in the right mindset.

I can’t bring you out of the dark hole by giving you a virtual slap which you so badly need.

That’s why you must dig deep and gather the courage to stand tall yourself.

You are the one who holds the power to recover from this. All you have to do is find it.

Correction, you must be willing to find it.

The willpower is what it takes to get out of it. To reiterate, you need the willpower to snap out of a negative spiral and the willpower to stay out of it.

Basically, you’ll need a lot of willpower.

It’s easier said done that. I know that. If deciding to be happy is all it took, there would be no depression or unhappiness in this world.

An experiment to feel strong

I’d like to encourage you to try to feel powerful for a minute. It has helped me and many others so it can’t hurt you by giving it a try.

Stand up for a minute and clench your fists and teeth. Focus on a particular point in your vicinity and get angry. Feel the energy flow through you.

Feel the electricity in your eyes, the loud thumping in your heart, the tightening of your muscles.

When you feel strong, breathe slowly, but deeply and imagine yourself in complete control of your body and mind.

Next, start bouncing on your tiptoes as if you’re in a ring facing a strong opponent. You’re now getting ready for a fight.

With your stronger arm, punch your open palm once, twice, thrice and feel the static course through your vigorous body.

You are now in your most powerful form, ready to wrestle a gorilla, let alone a fighter.

If you followed my concise advice, this is the state you need to be in to become happy.

You need to be in absolute control of your body. When you activate your fight response, you will break free of your fears.

You will become strong and empowered.

If you do this right, you will annihilate depression and splatter it like a bug on the floor.

The reason why pumping yourself up works like magic is that humans are biologically wired to fight or retreat. Although it’s not the real fight or flight response, my little trick comes very close to it.

Human beings project what we feel in the moment.

For example; when we’re sad and miserable, our body takes a form that matches our inner state. We bend our backs forward, look at the floor and sulk in depression.

To break free of this negative, self-destructive pattern, we have to physically do the opposite and cause a temporary disruption—a desynchronization to our negative pattern.

When we unmatch what we feel on the inside with what we portray on the outside and boost it by doing something extreme, such as jumping up in the air, we force ourselves to snap out of negativity and therefore feel better as well.

When we act erratically, we create an opposing force to our inner state (depression). We have a negative feeling on the inside and a powerful reaction on the outside.

Suddenly, it won’t matter to you if your ex is happy and you’re miserable because you will feel energetic again. You won’t even feel miserable. You’ll feel great.

All you have to do is want it bad enough, get out of bed and perform this exercise.

This is also one of the reasons why I advocate getting a lot of physical exercise after the breakup. It has a similar effect.

Please don’t underestimate the power of the mind. If it got you miserable, it has the power to make you happy too.

My ex is happy (phobia)

I know life is tough, but its really only as difficult as we perceive it.

So when you spend time in your room crying and telling yourself, “My ex is happy and I’m miserable,” you’re only feeding your already anxious brain.

By observing your ex’s external happiness, you are making your internal happiness suffer as a result.

Does this make any sense to you? You are unhappy for all the wrong reasons.

The happiness your ex is experiencing isn’t long-lasting, nor is it true happiness. Your ex is in an infatuated stage of elation and relief, therefore—what he or she is feeling is fake.

You’ve probably never heard of fake happiness before, so here’s what BetterHelp has to say about fake happiness; “Faking happiness is when we appear happy to others but don’t truly feel happy internally.

It is not something we feel on the inside no matter how much we try to force it and pretend to others.“

So every second you spend dwelling on the past and envying a “happy” ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, you only end up wasting your life.

It’s like worrying about World War III. You know it hasn’t happened yet and it likely won’t happen in the near future.

But are you crying yourself to sleep or thinking about the war 24/7? I don’t think so. That’s why the “my ex is happy” phobia is self-created in a similar way.

It’s an illusion, produced by your own fears and insecurities. You’ve invented this fear based on your false observations from judging your ex externally.

My ex looks happy on social media

Previously, we’ve mentioned how your ex seems happy after the breakup. You must remember that what you see is an illusion—a mere depiction of your ex’s best self.

Nobody posts sad pictures on social media. Your ex won’t either.

He or she might post some cheesy quotes, such as; “Sometimes you have to let a person go to start living your life.”

Try not to look too much into it. Your ex is just posting whatever comes to mind. Overlook it. It’s not real and/or it won’t last.

Most of these things don’t go on for a week anyway. Tell yourself that it’s just a distortion of reality and forgive and forget!

Your ex will eventually stop posting happy pictures and quotes and will revert back to the neutrality state when he or she runs out of steam.

All your ex needs to get there is plenty of time which you happily provide when you stay in no contact.

Are you miserable and your ex is happy? Did this article provide useful information? I’d love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment if it’s not too much trouble.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.