Getting back together with an ex advice varies depending on who the dumper is. If you left your ex, thinking you’d be happier without your ex, you have most of the initiating, talking, apologizing, and persuading to do. You must do your best to convince your ex you’ve learned from your mistakes, that you still love him/her, and that you’re willing to slowly earn his or her trust back.
As a dumper, you must return all the stolen power and demonstrate the ability to start a new, healthier, and stronger relationship. Your ex might not want you back if you hurt your ex a lot or wait too long and allow your ex to heal/detach, but if you love your ex, you should give it a go anyway. It’s your responsibility to let the dumpee know you’ve made a terrible decision and that you want to spend the next few months or however long it takes proving it to him or her.
It might take a while for your ex to trust you, but you should be okay with it if you recognize your mistakes and regret turning your ex’s world upside down. It doesn’t matter what your ex did (unless your ex completely destroyed your trust). What matters is that you’ve forgiven your ex and wiped the slate clean. The success of your new relationship depends on your ability to start anew and recognize unhealthy patterns.
However, if you got dumped and went through a challenging post-breakup experience, then you must let your ex do these things. You must work on your flaws and detachment while waiting for your ex to come to you. You must essentially give your ex space and show that you respect yourself and that you’ll never chase a person who doesn’t want to be with you.
Chasing makes you look weak and unattractive and repulses the dumper. It gives the dumper additional reasons to stay away from you and focus on different people and things. The harder you try to impress your ex and get back together, the bigger the chance that your ex will get tired of tolerating you and do something hurtful.
Something like responding angrily, blaming you, or ignoring you.
As a dumpee, you should stay in no contact and let your ex do the work. Your ex will do everything you want to do and more when he or she gets in a pickle, reflects, and learns that you’re the best romantic option for him or her. Don’t think that your ex will move on if you don’t look your best or do something special the moment your ex reaches out.
Most regretful dumpers reach out with the intention to reconcile. They don’t need their ex to impress them and tell them why they deserve another chance. The dumper should do the impressing to get the dumpee to forgive him or her and let go of the past. Forgiveness is necessary for both parties to develop feelings and start anew.
If your dumper ex doesn’t appear regretful, scared, or determined to grow with you, your ex probably doesn’t want you back or back for the right reasons. Your ex might just feel lonely, bored, or confused—and is after the benefits he or she lost by leaving you. It’s in your best interest to keep your eyes peeled for any strange behavior and stop connecting with your ex if necessary.
You don’t want your ex to string you along and make your recovery more difficult than it has to be.
So if you’re looking for getting back together with an ex advice, the best advice I can give you is to adjust your approach, depending on whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper. If you’re the dumper, you should do the reaching out, apologizing, and convincing. And if you’re the dumpee, you should do indefinite no contact (not random/temporary no contact rules) and wait for your ex to regret losing you.
Your ex could feel the loss when life gives him or her lemons and triggers unwanted emotions.
Whether you’re the dumpee or the dumper, you should avoid pressuring your ex. Your ex knows what’s best for him or her (or at least thinks that he or she does). Until your ex encounters problems and realizes that you’re a good romantic fit, you must give each other space and focus on things that are in your power to control.
Don’t talk to each other and pretend that you’re friends. Friendship with an ex is very difficult; it constantly gives the dumper hope and suffocates the dumper.
The relationship can be given another chance only when:
- the dumpee rebuilds his or her self-esteem and sees the dumper more realistically, without rose-tinted glasses
- the dumper stops enjoying his or her new life, feels unhappy, regrets leaving, and wants to put the work in
If the dumper isn’t willing to invest in the new relationship, and merely wants to take from it, the relationship won’t last. It will crash when the dumper gets what he or she is after and grows tired of spending time with the dumpee. The relationship will also crash if neither party makes significant improvements.
It can’t work when the issues (that are often patterns) remain unresolved. A relationship can thrive when both parties admit their flaws and mistakes and commit to improving within. You can tell both parties are serious when they avoid pointing fingers, devise self-improvement plans, and begin working on them immediately.
Promises, such as “I’ll do better/stop doing that” often lack credibility because they don’t include concrete plans for change. They indicate that one or both parties are taking the breakup lightly and that they’ll meet the same fate.
Even if a couple somehow gets back together without discussing their triggers, flaws, and incompatibilities (some exes make impulsive decisions), it’s only a matter of time before they encounter the same issues and break up for the second, third, or even fourth time. The relationship loses its significance and becomes weaker the more times a couple breaks up.
My getting back together with an ex advice is not to get back together with your ex (dumpee or dumper) when your ex merely promises to be a better person and partner. Remember that anyone can make promises, but only the most committed ones actually make long-lasting changes. Oftentimes, the most committed exes are the most hurt ones – those who experience a loss of self-esteem and take accountability for their actions.
Such exes understand that they took their ex-partner for granted and that they might lose him or her if they don’t make some long-lasting changes.
In this post, we share some of the best advice for getting back together with an ex. We talk about what dumpees and dumpers should do right after the breakup and before they get back together.
Getting back together with an ex advice
Getting back together with an ex may seem simple in theory, but it’s much more complicated in practice. Both parties must think and feel similarly in order to find each other attractive and reconnect. Not only must they both have feelings and cravings, but they must also learn the lessons the breakup is trying to teach them.
The dumpee must understand the reasons for the breakup and work on self-improvement, while the dumper must dissociate negative beliefs from the dumpee, let go of power, and begin viewing the dumpee in a more positive light.
Both the dumpee and the dumper have work to do while they’re away from each other. The more they invest in themselves (not each other), the more likely they are to stay together if they decide to get back together.
Getting back together happens naturally when the dumper has an epiphany and wants the dumpee back. The dumper typically feels an immense urge to reconnect emotionally and receive the dumpee’s validation and love.
Relationship benefits empower the dumper and make him or her feel needed and secure.
The hardest part of reconciliation isn’t discussing plans to reconnect and stay together. It’s finding reasons to reconnect, rebuild trust, address unresolved issues, and prove that real change has taken place. Once the dumper has found an incentive to reconcile, he or she can get back with the dumpee in a day or two, provided the dumpee still wants that, of course.
If the dumpee doesn’t want to reconcile, the dumper may not get romantically involved with the dumpee ever again. The balance of power may shift and turn the dumper into the dumpee.
Unfortunately, that’s the risk many dumpers are willing to take when they lose interest and quit. They’re okay with losing their ex for good because they think negatively about their ex and avoid thinking about the future.
So if you want some reconciliation advice, remember that you can’t control how the dumpee and the dumper feel. The dumper may regret breaking up months or years after the breakup, but that doesn’t guarantee reconciliation. If the dumpee gets hurt, detaches, and changes his or her view of the dumper, the dumpee may appreciate the breakup and outgrow the dumper.
The dumper may also not come back. Even if the dumpee does everything by the book, the dumper may not feel hurt enough (discover a good reason) to go back to a former partner. He or she may have a strict no-reconciliation policy or be too resentful to let go of the past and fall back in love.
If you want to boost your chances of reconciliation after you’ve been dumped, you must let your ex explore his or her post-breakup life. You must let your ex be free and happy so your ex can process the early stages of a breakup and encounter eye-opening problems.
Your goal is not to make your ex like you but to avoid making your ex like you less. If you can do that, your ex might return when he or she hits a snag and needs your help.
That’s why as a dumpee, you have to stay away from your ex, let go of control, and accept the possibility that your ex might not come back. By accepting that your ex might only want friendship or occasional texting, you can prepare yourself for what’s to come.
So if you want some getting back together with an ex advice, keep your distance from your ex and try not to look forward to your ex’s return. Instead of holding on to your ex for a feeling of control, focus on your ex’s negative traits and behavior.
This will allow you to detach quicker and make you look less eager to be with your ex if he or she decides to come back.
As for getting back together as a dumper, it’s much simpler. Simply contact your ex, say you’re sorry, explain why you did what you did, profess your feelings, and offer to answer any questions he or she may have.
If your ex still has feelings when you reach out, your ex might take you back (conditionally or unconditionally). But if your ex rejects your efforts and hurts your feelings, you must understand that your ex has gotten over you and won’t come back anytime soon. Your ex will probably have to date someone else and compare that person to you before your ex questions his or her romantic decisions and worth.
All in all, respect your ex’s decision and continue to self-invest.
Having said that, here’s some general advice for getting back with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
How to make the relationship work after the breakup
Making a relationship work after breaking up requires a lot of understanding, growth, dedication, and teamwork. Both partners must be willing to learn from their mistakes, communicate openly, express gratitude, and consistently invest in the relationship.
By putting the relationship first, they can demonstrate that they enjoy and value each other’s time, commitment, and personality.
The easiest way for them to avoid breaking up in the future is to talk about what went wrong and how they intend to avoid breaking up for the same reasons. Open, frequent, and healthy communication can bring them closer and deter them from disappointing, neglecting, hurting, and angering each other. Issues must be resolved quickly otherwise they risk becoming resentful and detached.
Every couple has different matters to talk about and overcome, but if they’re sincere, apologetic, loving, supportive, and non-reactive (emotionally mature), they can show that they find each other more important than past grievances and trivial problems.
Trust will take a while to rebuild. That’s why the dumper must be patient and answer the same questions dozens of times if necessary. He or she should especially be patient and empathetic if he or she cheated and/or dated someone else after the breakup.
Cheating and monkey-branching tend to make it harder for dumpees to lower their guard and separate the new relationship from the hurt of the old one. While the dumpee is recovering from betrayal/quick replacement, the dumpee should work on improving his or her self-esteem and letting the dumper back in.
The dumper can help the dumpee by apologizing, sharing passwords, and assuring him or her that it will never happen again.
The dumpee should also take things slow and treat the reunion as a test period. Letting the dumper know that the new relationship will continue only if it leads to positive change can encourage the dumper to restore balance and invest in the dumpee.
Emotional investment can serve as a deterrent to leaving when problems, pain, doubts, and temptations arise.
So make sure to consider the reconciliation a miracle/rare opportunity to make things right. If both of you recognize how fortunate you are to still value each other romantically after breaking up, you may be able to leave the past behind and build a healthy, strong foundation.
What do you think of my advice about getting back together with an ex? Do you agree with it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
However, if you’d prefer to talk about it privately, feel free to reach out via our coaching page.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
