I know how difficult it is to completely remove yourself from the life of someone you love very much. That’s because I did exactly that this past summer.
I’m presently in my fourth month of no contact. To help you cope with your own emotions of going no contact, in this article I’m sharing the highs and lows that I’ve felt during these past several months.
My ex-girlfriend and I were incredibly close for eight months. And then, out of the blue, she decided to break off our relationship and go back to an ex-boyfriend.
I was stunned, deeply hurt, and the night of our breakup, after we had spoken at length, I fired off an email in which I stated that I was leaving her life indefinitely. She had wanted me to stay in her life as a friend. I refused. My email was the last time either of us has been in contact with one another.
Her birthday came and went; my birthday came and went. Neither of us acknowledged the other’s. Thanksgiving came and went; neither of us sent a holiday greeting.
Christmas and New Year; same story. Yet still, in my heart of hearts, I still harbor love for her; I still do care. So why didn’t I swallow my pride and send her a simple, basic Merry Christmas greeting? Why am I playing this bloody, stupid game?
Friends, going no contact is not a game. I never engaged in gamesmanship while my ex and I were in love together; I’m not engaging in a game now.
For me, going no contact was the only way that I could recover a sense of dignity after our breakup. I believe that it is the best way for me to heal from the deep hurt that I suffered, it is the best way to claim the space to work on my own issues, and it is the only way that she will have the opportunity to truly miss me.
And unless she misses me, she’ll never recognize and appreciate all of the wonderful gifts that I brought to her life.
No contact: Day One
I didn’t sleep very well—maybe two hours, tops on the night of the breakup. I tossed and turned most of the night and when I stumbled out of bed the next morning, I felt extremely sad, depressed, and lonely. I ached inside.
I didn’t go to work that day. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate if I had. In fact, I did something that I never do—I opened a beer at nine o’clock in the morning. Surprisingly, it made me feel a little better and calmed my frazzled nerves a bit. But I didn’t drink anymore that day.
I found it incredibly difficult to reconcile what had happened. How could my girlfriend—someone who had told me just a month prior that she would always love me—choose to go back to a guy that she’d often spoken of in the most disparaging terms?
It made no sense, but it was also senseless to argue any of it with her. I knew that if I pleaded and begged her to reconsider, it would only give her an ego boost that she didn’t deserve. I felt hurt, I felt betrayed, I felt angry.
But I resolved that I would carry through on what I told her in that email—I would leave her life indefinitely.
No contact: The First Month
The first days and weeks of going no contact were very difficult. I never felt the urge to text her, email her, or call her, though. What made the early going difficult was that I missed her presence in my life.
I missed texting her first thing in the morning, texting her last thing at night, and spending time with her during the day. I missed her intellect; I missed her sweet voice; I missed her laugh; I missed her tenderness; I missed our incredibly fun and engaging conversations.
Notice that I didn’t even mention sex. Our sex transcended the physical, and we were often spellbound by the way our souls seemed to intertwine during lovemaking. Yes, as amazing as our sex was, I missed all those aforementioned things even more.
During those early trying days, I reached out to my friends and family and poured my heart out to them, but I soon realized that I would soon wear out that source of refuge.
So I sought out the help of a relationship therapist and that proved to be a highly beneficial step. I also created a journal in Microsoft Word and every day I got in the habit of spilling out my thoughts and emotions on my keyboard. I am still journaling today and it’s been very good therapy.
That first month, I thought of my ex-girlfriend almost constantly. I would have internal conversations with her in which I expressed unhappiness and disgust. I was bitter and angry in those first weeks after the breakup.
Going to therapy and journaling did help me extricate some of those toxic thoughts and feelings.
I wondered a lot about my ex and what was going on with her and her old/new boyfriend. I briefly considered visiting her Facebook page to see how she was doing.
But I didn’t. I was having a hard enough time dealing with my own pain. I was afraid of learning that she was on top of the world without me and so I had no problem avoiding her Facebook. To that end, I stopped posting on my Facebook page. I haven’t been on Facebook at all since our breakup.
The Fallacy Of 30-Day No contact
I have to laugh at these so-called online experts who advocate a 21-day no contact rule or a 30-day no contact rule.
According to these relationship Einsteins, after that pre-specified no contact time has expired, you can confidently reach out to your ex and expect him or her to rush back into your arms.
That’s such nonsense.
During my first month of no contact, I knew that my ex-girlfriend wouldn’t be missing me. Since she left me for someone else, I knew that she’d be preoccupied with him and she might even be relieved that I was out of the picture.
Can you imagine how stupid it would have been for me to contact my ex after three or four weeks? A polite brushoff would have been the most I could have hoped for. No, thank you.
The only—and I repeat, the only—way to go no contact is indefinitely. This is true especially if your ex has left you for someone else. That is the ultimate slap in the face, the ultimate disrespect.
Unless your ex reaches out and contacts you first, he or she offers no value to your life. Remember, your ex decided to take up with another and leave you in the dust.
You were not valued by your ex.
Do not make the mistake of valuing your ex, when he or she offers no value to you.
No contact: One Day At A Time
One of the hardest things to face in the beginning is the prospect of going no contact for a very long time.
I remember thinking, “It’s so hard not to talk to her for a day or two, it’s going to be unbearable to go several months.” If you’re just starting to go no contact, you’re probably thinking the same thing.
But do not dismay. Do not project into the future. Stay in the moment, because you can only do no contact one day at a time.
It’s fruitless to look two, three or four months down the road. Perhaps by then, you’ll have found another romantic interest.
Perhaps you’ll have gotten over your ex much quicker than you anticipated. Perhaps your ex will have reached out to you. Perhaps you’ll be feeling better, the same, or worse.
No matter. Just stay in the here and now. Try and find things in the present that bring you a semblance of peace.
Go online and seek out articles and YouTube videos that deal with relationships, breakups, and no contact. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you. Look into enlisting the services of a therapist.
Start hitting the gym or take jogs in the park. Tell yourself that you are strong and that you will come out of the situation better than ever.
The first day after my breakup, I couldn’t imagine the possibility of never speaking to my ex again. The prospect was very hurtful to contemplate.
Now almost four months later, never again talking to my ex remains a possibility and if that’s how it must be, I am fine with it. It would be unfortunate but it wouldn’t break my heart.
No contact Months Two & Three
I have heartening news for you. Things do get easier, day by day. When I look back on journal entries from the first couple of weeks, I can see how far I’ve come.
During months two and three, I was never tempted to contact my ex or look her up on social media. The breakup still hurt, though. I did feel more removed from the daily routine of spending time with her.
I didn’t feel as addicted to her anymore. That longing for her presence subsided considerably during the second and third months.
My therapist suggested that I learn about attachment styles, and I found that most useful and enlightening. I came to understand that my ex probably has an avoidant attachment style.
She’s only able to get so close and then she feels the compulsion to run. For my part, I learned that I have an anxious attachment style.
Knowing this is enabling me to work with my therapist and come to grips with some deep-seated childhood issues. Learning that my ex is an avoidant person helped me feel some compassion for her and lessened my anger and bitterness.
Little by little, I was able to start concentrating on other aspects of my life. I began to have days where I wasn’t bothered all that much by the breakup. But then I would have rebound days when I would feel depressed.
The good news is that I’d have two or three plus days to one negative day and the plus days continually began to increase. At times I would write friendly email letters to my ex in my journal, knowing of course that I would not send any of them.
But on my down days, I would also write vitriolic letters to my ex, venting residual bitterness in a safe place where she’d never read them.
No contact: The Fourth Month
These days I’m feeling better about things. I’ve learned that it’s most important to keep the focus on myself—my feelings, my development, my peace, my happiness.
In the beginning, I focused very much on my ex. I wondered how she could do what she did. I wondered how long it would be before she realized what a terrible mistake she made.
I wondered when she would start missing me and when she would contact me. Today, I still wonder about those things at times, but I’m not preoccupied with them.
Even though my ex hurt me when she traded me in for another guy, I initially felt bad by pulling entirely away from her. When we were together, she constantly told me that I was amazing and wonderful.
We knew each
The way that I view the situation now is that she was so cavalier and uncaring toward me that she doesn’t deserve my friendship. Sometimes I perversely feel good that I pulled my friendship from her.
I know that sounds spiteful and mean, but I’m not totally over her yet. I’m still healing. We had been so close that we’d entertained the idea of marriage in the not-too-distant future. It broke my heart to realize that the girl I cherished was no longer marriage material.
In this, the fourth month of no contact, I’ve accepted the fact that only my feelings are important.
If my breaking the friendship hurt her, I’m fine with that. If she’s struggling with her life right now, it’s not of my concern. I’ve stopped worrying about her driving alone at night, or how she’s faring at work, or how her parents are doing.
My focus is on me. That might sound selfish, but I have no problem with being selfish where she’s concerned.
It is strange, I admit, to strive to be indifferent toward her because when we were just friends I did care very much about her.
Perhaps at some point in the future, we could be just friends again. But for now, that’s the furthest thing from my mind. It’s one day forward, one day at a time. And in due course, I will be fully through this.
And if you’re going through no contact yourself, so will you.
No contact: Additional Musings
You will note, no doubt, that I haven’t mentioned whether I think my ex will eventually contact me. For the first three months, that was a preoccupying thought.
For the record, I believe that my ex will reach out to me at some point. But I have no idea when that might be. Whether or not she reaches out is not that important to me, and it’s healthy that I feel that way.
Would it surprise me if my ex wanted me back in her life at some point? No, that would not surprise me at all. I suspect that she misses me and regrets our estrangement.
I also wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to resume a romantic relationship at some point. Those are both solid possibilities. But at the same time, a lot of damage has been done to our friendship, and that was always the core of our relationship.
I don’t know if I’d want to resume a romantic relationship. I don’t think I’d want to marry my ex anymore and that does make me a bit sad. But then again, this speculation isn’t important.
What will happen will happen. And I’m fully prepared to never speak to my ex again unless she reaches out to me first. Is that harsh? Of course. But how she mishandled our relationship was harsh, too.
All of this brings me to my most vital point. When I started no contact a little more than 100 days ago, I wanted it to be a technique that would compel my ex to reconnect on a romantic level.
However, I’ve learned that the ultimate benefit of no contact is not to win an ex back. In my case, no contact ended my relationship addiction, it’s given me time to assess the deficiencies of my ex, and it’s allowed me to begin the process of healing and moving forward independently.
If you’re in the early stages of no contact, you may also hope that this strategy brings your ex back to you. But as time goes by, don’t be surprised if you become less concerned about reconnecting with your ex.
Instead, you may discover, like me, that you’re focusing on yourself and how to become the very best version of yourself. In so doing, you’ll increase the odds that your next relationship will be a happier, more successful one.
Excerpts From My Journal–Day One & Day 100
What a difference 100 days makes. While you’ll probably feel very low on day one of no contact, rest assured that time, space, and devotion to yourself will change you for the better.
I’m including actual excerpts of my journal—the first entry was written on the very first day of no contact when I was grieving what had just happened. The second entry is a note that I wrote to myself just recently on day 100 of no contact.
You’ll see the stark difference between my highly troubled psyche on day one and a calmer, more mature mind on day 100. Please take this to heart. You too will undergo a personal transformation during no contact, and perhaps more quickly than you realize.
Day One—The Morning After The Breakup
“Never again. I am not talking to her again and it’s for the best. She is
not good for me. She is poison. End of story. Fuck her and her friendship. I
don’t want any part of her anymore. I’ve lost my respect for her. There is no
more friendship or relationship with her. She’s a mess. It hurts right now. I
slept for about two hours. She doesn’t deserve any more consideration from me. I was a fool to ever get emotionally involved with her.
“How could she go back to that guy? He’s such a nothing and he used to treat her like shit. What the fuck is wrong with her?”
Day 100–A Letter I Wrote To Myself
“What you and her have can’t be killed. You do have a connection. That connection has been broken and seriously damaged. It may not always be so. Let go of the lingering bitterness. You know why she did what she did.
You know she has an avoidant attachment style. And she once told you that she has a fear of abandonment going way back to childhood. What she feared she ultimately made happen. She went back to an unworthy ex and that made you abandon her. That’s not rationalizing her bad behavior nor does it excuse it. But it does make sense out of insanity. Because her leaving you for him made no sense at all.
“She probably misses you and is worried that you’re still pissed at her. She may be worried that you’ll blow her off if she contacts you. But you can’t reach out to her. She will have to be the one to do that. She probably regrets the way that things went down. She has to process that regret on her own. You can’t help her. Just be patient. Let it work out.
“Sex doesn’t mean anything. It never did. It’s love that screws the girl up. You loved her more than anyone else ever has. She told you that. She once told you that she would always love you. I’m guessing the intensity scared her, messed her up. She doesn’t love this old/new boyfriend.
And she isn’t running from you as much as she’s running from herself. She escapes from her true self. She’s learning. Let her keep learning. Keep giving her the lesson of missing you. The only way she can keep learning is to continue what you’re doing. No contact now. No contact indefinitely.”
I added the following thoughts after the letter:
“Yeah, I still love her. But it doesn’t hurt as it did. Not even close. I can live without ever speaking to her again if that’s how this plays out. I have to believe that she hurts more at this point. It’s weird to admit that it hurts me that she may feel hurt when it was her that sent our relationship sideways.
I don’t hate her. I have compassion for her, but I can’t help her through this one. She has to realize what she’s lost on her own.
“It is strange that we haven’t said a word to each other since our breakup, but I can still sense things with her. I sense that she’s missing me. Or is that just wishful thinking? I don’t know, but I’m not obsessing about it. It’s just a feeling I have. I have moments during the day when I feel bad for her.
What a switch from the way I was feeling for weeks. It feels so much better to be able to look at this thing more dispassionately. I can admit to myself that I still care, but that I don’t need her. This is so much better than it was.”
No contact Do’s & Don’ts
Don’t break no contact for any reason. Not for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or if your ex’s cat died. No contact means no contact. Period.
Do answer your ex, if he or she reaches out to you during no contact. But be matter-of-fact in your response. Be polite, but don’t get into an extended conversation right away. Your ex broke up with you. Make him or her work a little to get back in your good graces.
Don’t expect no contact to make your ex miss you in the first 21 or 30 days. Don’t pay attention to the online charlatans who promise a fool-proof way to re-attract your ex. There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Every breakup is unique; every relationship is different.
Do work on yourself during no contact. Strive to improve your diet, exercise regimen, career goals, and your overall mental health.
Don’t get discouraged if your ex doesn’t contact you within the first 100 days. Remember, your number one mission is to become a more balanced person, not to re-attract your ex. Spend each day focusing on yourself and how you can become more confident and more dynamic. If you do that, you’ll help heal your heartbreak as a natural byproduct.
Do expect to hear back from your ex at some point, as long as you had a fairly good relationship. About 90 percent of people who break up with their partners will make contact eventually.
But whatever you do, don’t sit around waiting for that to happen. It could take six months, a year, or even two years. Yes, I know, it sucks. But if you break no contact, you’ll probably receive just a lukewarm response.
Be patient. I’m doing it. So can you.
As these things go, you’ll probably hear from your ex when you least expect it. Also keep in mind, just because your ex contacts you does not automatically mean that he or she wants to rekindle a romantic relationship.
An update to my no contact experience.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Great article,
Was in a weird situation with a dismissive-avoidant who left her bf to be with me (yeah i know), and then left me for someone else as i emotionally neglected her while i was leaving my own gf. If thats not karma then i dont know what is.
Its ups and downs and even though i know that shes a person whos definitely capable of cheating and lying about it (both to me and her ex), i still love her. I hope to one day fully feel no need to have her in my life. Its been 50 days of NC and this morning i finally had a feeling of “ahh, i dont want her anymore” and it was amazing, though it was fleeding.
Best
Hi Hen.
I’m proud of you for detaching from her to the point where you see things rationally. You know she’s going to keep repeating the same patterns and hurting people in the process. I suggest that you learn a thing or two from this experience too so that you don’t leave your partner/s to be with someone else again. This is your chance to grow into the person you want to be.
Kind regards,
Zan
As New Year’s approaches the pain of losing my ex 11 months ago. We spent 5 different New Years together always saying…this is forever. Obviously he changed his mind and slammed the door on me Jan 21, 2021. I stand in the Shadows of Love… with a new boo too. New Years Eve is a tough one .. (Ex has said Happy Thanksgiving last month though..)…
I love your website it is super helpful and I will read it over and over with wine on 1/31/21 until 2022.
All the best. Stay healthy.
Mimi
Hi Mimi Liss.
I hope you had a great start to 2022. Sometimes couples say “we’ll always be together,” but they say those things when the relationship is at its peak. Anyway, I know it’s hard as you get very nostalgic during holidays, but you’ll pull through this. Soon, you’ll fully heal too. And that’s when you’ll move on and hold on to newer, more pleasant memories.
Best,
Zan
This was probably the most helpful read I’ve ever had after my experience that seemed to completely parallel this entry… the Entire thing felt like I wrote it.. She left me for her ex and told me back in sep 10. It’s only been 22 days since our last conversation when she told me she would get back with her ex. I had just had my birthday two days ago and hers is five days from now. We originally planned a joint celebration. Almost every line you said was completely applicable to me. And I felt like I was reading something that the future version of me would be writing. Thank you for laying out your journey for me to read it gives me hope That things will turn out for the better. You have gone ahead of me and I will be reading this again and again as a guide. I have said things that were very unbecoming of me because of the anger of being replaced. I told her “After this phone call you are dead to me.” And just like you experienced I too have been waiting to be contacted in the last 22 days. I felt on some of those days that I would always feel this crappy. Your message of hope and encouragement and your parallel break up to mine, Is invaluable, Priceless, and most importantly timely. Thank you again for this
Hello Jay, I hope this finds you well. I also hope that you are realizing that time is your best ally in healing from a breakup. This summer it will be three years since my breakup, and I’m happy to let you know that indifference kicked in for me many months ago. You are also making the slow but sure journey toward indifference. And actually, time will accelerate for you as you go forward. It’s hard to believe that it will soon be three years since my breakup.
I never heard boo from my ex, and it is totally fine. About 10 months after our breakup, I had several dreams which indicated that she was thinking of reaching out to me. Were these dreams wishful thinking? Maybe, but I don’t think so, because by the 10-month mark I wasn’t feeling the want or need for her to reach out to me. At any rate, it honestly doesn’t matter.
I don’t know anything about my ex. I couldn’t tell you if she’s still with the guy she went back to, if she’s married, if she’s had children, or if she’s flown off to Madagascar. It’s very freeing not to care, and if this sounds heartless, well, I don’t care either, lol. I once gave her the best part of me, and she foolishly let me get away. So I don’t feel compassion for her and if she ever did reach out to me, I would be civil, but I certainly wouldn’t be flirty and I would let her know that I’m not interested in friendship or any chance to rekindle anything romantic. This includes being friends with benefits. I don’t have romantic or sexual feelings for her anymore. That ended long, long ago.
Stay strong, stay positive and know that if you stay in no-contact, your ex will respect you. I’m pretty sure that when I do cross my ex’s mind, she has some regrets and that she does respect me, and that is all I would ever want from her. At this point, it’s hard to believe that I once felt very hurt by our breakup. It is a very good feeling to be way past the pain and disappointment. You will get to this place, too. Trust it and believe it.
All the best,
Axel
I would also like to leave one more message of thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences x it sucks but you are not alone and I truly believe if you no in your heart you are a good person and tried your best that’s all you can do keep strong people xxxx
Sorry just to clarify when I mentioned I became very friendly with my ex he is the new person I met at the group I attended not my abusive ex from before
Hey, your artiles are so helpful and insightful thank you so much for writing them they help me greatly.
I’ve been in no contact with my ex for about three months now and miss him very much. We were together for a year and six months and I fell absolutely head over heels in love with him after meeting him for the first time in a group I joined to initially make new friends, have a laugh and build my confidence up after having a bad relationship experience a short while before which was toxic and abusive. I had re gained my strength back and was beginning to feel more confident in myself. I began becoming very close friends with my ex and began talking frequently and he was almost like a best friend to me. He asked me out on a date which went really well he said he didn’t love me yet but still liked me as a person which I understood but felt disappointed with slightly as we kissed and had such a great date. He called me up a few days later when I hadn’t heard from him in a while and said I’m sorry there is someone else in the picture I’m sorry and we had a conversation and it ended respectfully with me thanking him for telling me and wished him all the best.
I was upset but happy for him at the same time. (Sorry if this is very long just I no reading other people’s situations has helped me so much and I want to try and help others if I can) anyway we were still friends and still saw each other at our weekly group and had fun. We began talking a lot as friends and I would always make the conversation respectful as I knew we had a girlfriend now and I even met her once and she seemed nice and I was genuinely happy for them.
Fast forward a few months down the line he told me he had split up from his girlfriend and things just went downhill for a long time. I still carried on being his friend and talked to him. I was going on holiday around that time and we began chatting more and more and he began calling me chatting for ages and it become quite flirty. We agreed to meet when I came back and it was perfect. He was charming, funny caring just so amazing to be around. He asked me to be his girlfriend and things just blossomed from there. We did everything together and we dearly loved each other.
He began to change as soon as he started uni he became cold and slightly distant with me. I tried to be caring and give him space as it’s a life changing experience and knew he was excited about it. I began to become worried though and used to get upset when he was distant and he wouldn’t like it when I cried or got upset. I have anxiety and cry a lot in general sometimes and he did know I find it difficult sometimes and he does struggle too with his own difficulties but we always tried to support each other on this.
Over the next few months he became more distant saying it was my anxiety that was causing issues for him. He would bring up this one particular girls name from his uni and she even rang once when I was taking him out for his birthday to London. He answered and I respected he is allowed friends and throught nothing of it at first. But then the name kept being mentioned and he would ring her frequently and text me saying she thinks your lovely when I first met her at a uni gathering. I throught she was nice but she acted slightly off. Then more texts when I got a new job saying she says well done. And on my birthday he didn’t wish me happy birthday himself I got a message from her directly a voice message wishing me a happy birthday.
He continues to be cold towards me and I say in a nice non judgemental way you keep on mentioning her and he didn’t really seem to say sorry or see how it hurt me.
He then became more distant and would say things like I might break up with you I may not depends. I was heartbroken and thinking all kinds of things in my head. I got upset which he began getting more frustrated about and then he said I’ve made my decision (on the phone) I can’t be with you and take care of your aniexty issues I was crying and he hung up (probably hurt too) then a few days later I messaged saying I hope you’re happier now that you’re not with me he rang me straight away saying he was happier and could he come to collect his play station which he left at mine I said okay. He came to collect it and was very cold didn’t really show any emotion and I looked at him in his eyes and said is there any hope for us again one day he said yes don’t worry just chill and looked at me like he loved me still. I asked if there was someone else he said did it make a difference if there was I said it was important to me he paused a little and then said no and then drove off.
But here I am in no contact for three months now very upset but trying to be strong but it eats me upside weather I was being selfish girlfriend being too jealous. If he was telling me the truth etc but I honestly tried to be the best girlfriend to him and was very fair and pacient to him. I wish he never changed it’s like he’s changed since starting uni and lost his spark that he once had. I blame myself constantly as I feel I caused it all sorry this is so long but thanks for reading
Reading this has been a great comfort to me, I’ve only been in no contact for a few days and today was Christmas and I was hoping for my Ex to say something even if it was just Merry Christmas. When she didn’t it hurt a lot. I know I need to stay in no contact and let her heal in time but today was one of the harder days with me feeling alone even though I was with family. It’s good to know it gets better and gives me more courage to keep to it.
Do you do coaching? I also deduced that I have an avoidant attachment style and my ex was either avoidant or dismissive-avoidant or even anxious-avoidant.
I did all the wrong things. Beg, apologise and break contact after 28 days (to ask for the money he knew I needed back but the cold response made me get needy once more)
I love him. I don’t want to wait around for him. I want to move on with my life no matter how much I want him to regret his choice.
Hi Anne.
As you know, contacting an ex you still have expectations of will only continue hurting you. That’s why I suggest that you cut your losses for now and focus on your health for now. It’s way more important than a few bucks.
I do coaching. You can see the programs here.
Stay strong,
Zan
Hi there,
I walked away from a controlling, toxic relationship last September after 2.5 years. Previously i had gone back two or three times after going no contact but being pestered and finally gave in. Big mistake number 1. Should have blocked his number. 2. Should have not replied and gone back.
Last September I found the courage to walk away for good. I went NC immediately and blocked his number.
First week nothing then for next 3 weeks bombarded with emails and No Caller ID calls and voicemails. Loving or nasty messages. Threats of dating other people, claiming to love me only, blah blah blah!
For 3 weeks I felt a prisoner in my own home as he would come around and call through the letter box constantly knocking at my door. Had to have curtains drawn and hid basically. He was relentless and when Indid go out he kept popping up! Had to call police after being advised by Domestic Violence helpline too and that eventually got me the space and time needed to heal. My point is this. NC is ok in some situations but if there is toxicity or abuse delete them from your life altogether ie phone, email, move house if necessary be strong and be safe😀 God bless
Axel, two months have passed since you wrote this piece. Mind you update us with how no contact is going?
Axel-
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m 5 weeks out of a break up (as a dumpee) and I’ve been reading non stop. I was in a 4 year relationship and despite our ups and downs, we talked about marriage from day one. I have deep seated childhood issues and a great fear of abandonment. He left me in the midst of my finally dealing with all of this. It became too much for him-he sort of became my punching bag as he was the only man I had ever trusted, our love was so deep. I’ve struggled dealing with the breakup. He blocked me completely, even my phone number. He’s erased any trace of my existence from his life even though when he left me he said “I love you more than anything, I wish it didn’t have to be this way” We haven’t said a word to each other since then (5 weeks)…not that I have a choice anyway unless I was to email or show up or something which I know is not healthy. I have accepted that there is nothing I can do but try to move on and improve myself, which is what I am trying to do. However, I was left with an apartment full of memories…I mean boxes and boxes full. I am torn between keeping it all packed away (it’s taking up a lot of space, physically and emotionally) or mailing his things and some of the memories to him. Would this be breaking NC/not respecting his wishes which are clearly no contact considering he’s completely blocked me?
Thank you for tour help
Hi Kelsey,
I know it’s very difficult to deal with what you’re going through. It sounds to me as if your ex does need some space right now. I think no-contact can be beneficial for both of you. My recommendation is to leave the boxes of your ex’s things where they are for the moment. Also, be brutally honest with yourself. Are you perhaps wanting to give him back his things as an excuse to break no-contact? If your ex wants his things back badly enough, he will certainly contact you to ask for them.
If you would like more specific advice, and if it would help you to share more details with me, please feel free to email me at: axel.descanso@gmail.com There is no charge for this service. In fact, this offer is available to anyone who needs break-up advice.
For the time being, surround yourself with people who truly care about you and try to find enjoyment in the simple things of everyday life. Look at your relationship–and anything that comes along in your life–as a learning experience. Remember, the most valuable lessons–the lessons where you learn the most–are the hardest lessons. Try to appreciate the things that you have and try not to dwell too much on what you don’t have.
Use this period of no-contact to focus on yourself and strive to become the best version of yourself. This will benefit you immeasurably should you and your ex get back together. If you don’t reconcile, you’ll be in a position to attract perhaps an even better partner into your life.
Be your own best friend right now. You deserve to be happy, and you will be if you stay positive and stay strong.
All the best,
Axel
Nice Article Axel. This article will be very useful to many dumpees to see what they can expect in the future. I think many people will be also interested in knowing the dumper’s perspective when no contact is used on them. It would be cool to see a dumper’s testimony and how they went through the stages. Maybe as a future project? Once again, great work!
I agree, thank you very much for sharing your experiences and thoughts with us. It really does help to handle our feelings too during indefinite no contact, which is the only right solution after break up…
I`m really sorry that the girl you loved so much betrayed your trust. I admire that you have turned your pain into strength, and I wish you all the best in the future.
-E