Being friends with an ex who hurt you is a big mistake. It’s one of the most disadvantageous compromises you can make with the dumper. The only worse compromise is a friendship with benefits because that kind of friendship makes you feel desired by your ex on top of hope. It tells you that your ex still finds you attractive and that you may be able to reconnect with your ex if you keep giving your ex sexual benefits.
In reality, sex and friendship benefits don’t make the dumper regret leaving you. They only allow your ex to stay close to you and see you as an ex to benefit from. You should avoid being friends with an ex who hurt you. Even if your ex didn’t hurt you, you must remember that your ex doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that you shouldn’t agree to the second-best thing he or she can offer.
Your ex should see that you respect yourself and that you aren’t desperate to hold onto the idea of getting back together. You may think that if you make it easy for your ex to rely on you that your ex could eventually see you in a better light and fall back in love with you, but that probably won’t happen. Although it’s not impossible to go from friendship to romance, it’s extremely unlikely.
It’s much more likely that you’ll lose your patience one day and come on too strong. You’ll say or do something that shows you still have feelings and aren’t ready for friendship. That will do two things.
- Push your ex further away.
- Hurt you more.
When you see that the situation between you and your ex remains the same, you’ll get your hopes crushed and wonder why you wasted so much time and effort trying to prove your worth and change your ex’s perception of you. You’ll feel foolish for thinking you could get back with your ex by doing your ex favors and being nice to him or her.
Favors and niceness don’t make dumpers come back. They can influence the dumper, especially when the dumper feels neglected, lonely, or stressed, but they can’t bring him or her back. The dumper must first hit an obstacle and realize that he or she took the dumpee for granted. This may happen when life gives him or her lemons and triggers reflection and regret.
Until then, the dumper stays unreceptive to the idea of making a relationship out of friendship. He or she can’t and doesn’t want to do it because the breakup heightens his or her sense of freedom and makes the dumper want to explore his or her post-breakup life. Often, the dumper engages in new activities, meets new people, and acts in ways he or she previously didn’t.
The dumper becomes unrecognizable to the dumpee – someone he or she wouldn’t date if they were to meet again for the first time. The dumpee wants to date the dumper mainly because of attachment and inability to let go. This changes when the dumpee improves his or her self-love and takes his or her rose-tinted glasses off.
If your ex is acting strange and unpredictable, remember it’s because he or she feels relieved and wants to get the most out of life. Your feelings are either not understood or a priority. In either case, your ex is set on spending energy and time on more productive things. Things that exclude you and empower your ex.
Anyway, an ex who sees you as just a friend has no romantic feelings or expectations. He or she may like you, but there’s a huge difference between being liked and loved. Someone who likes you wants to be your friend rather than a romantic partner. You should never stay close to someone whose feelings differ from yours. If you agree to friendship, you’ll fall into the dreadful friend zone and give your ex the green light to use you for his or her selfish gain.
Needless to say, you’ll reduce your self-love and the speed of your recovery. You shouldn’t be friends with an ex who hurt you. You should be keeping your distance and focusing on healing. Friendship may be possible when your ex’s presence and behavior no longer affect you. That’s when you can consider the possibility of befriending your ex.
Chances are you won’t always feel the need to be your ex’s friend. Once you’ve recovered, you’ll appreciate your health and happiness and stop seeing the point in being friends with an ex who rejected and hurt you. You’ll detach from your ex and give up on dedicating your life to impressing and reattracting your ex.
We could say your life will improve to the point where you no longer depend on your ex for happiness and self-love.
In this post, we continue to discuss why being friends with an ex who hurt you is a terrible idea and how you should handle it.
Being friends with an ex who hurt you
As an ex, you should never agree to be friends with an ex who hurt you. Friendship with the dumper will cause you unnecessary pain and keep you obsessed with your ex and dependent on him or her for healing. Every time you talk to your ex, you’ll feel that your ex is close but not close enough to you and that you need to do something to get closer.
This kind of thinking will prevent you from letting go of your ex, improving yourself, and living the life you deserve.
So don’t bother being friends with an ex. Don’t settle for less than you deserve, especially if your ex treated you badly and showed no consideration for your wants, needs, and feelings. Instead of setting yourself up for failure, remind yourself that your ex has fallen out of love and has no intention of falling back in love. The relationship has ended, and this includes the friendship aspect of it.
If you ignore my warning and give friendship a go anyway, you’ll see that it’s nearly impossible to lower your expectations and act as just a friend. Your ex’s words and actions will constantly make you question your importance to your ex and your ability to get another chance. The more you obsess over your ex and the things you can do to make your ex feel something for you, the worse you’ll feel and the longer you’ll need to be yourself again.
Dumpees and dumpers should refrain from being friends for a while. I can’t say how long the break should be, but it should last until they’ve fully processed the breakup. For dumpers, this is until they’ve stopped feeling victimized. As for dumpers, it’s until they’ve gotten over the breakup and learned to function independently of their ex.
That’s when they can weigh the pros and cons and consider being friends.
Before then, friendship with an ex who hurt you is extremely bad for you. Not only does it keep you thinking about your ex 24/7 and give you false hope, but it also impacts your self-esteem and prevents you from moving on and finding the right person for you.
Although you shouldn’t be dating while you’re broken-hearted, you should be working on expanding your social circle and getting to know some new people. An active social life can help you feel socially accepted and valued as a person and make you focus on other people instead of your ex.
At the moment, anyone is better for you than an ex who dumped and hurt you. Friends, family, coworkers, schoolmates, and random people can help you more than someone who abandoned you and showed you his or her feelings have changed.
So don’t be friends with your ex. Consider the relationship over and choose to move forward, not backward. Choose yourself and those who feel the same way about you. They’ll give you what you need whereas your ex will make you anxious, self-conscious, confused, hopeful, and desperate for a relationship.
It’s in your best interest to put yourself first and avoid being friends with an ex who hurt you. Tell your ex that you’re not interested/ready for friendship and that you have a lot to think about. Don’t let your ex guilt-trip you into being friends.
You don’t owe your ex anything, especially friendship. Your job is to disconnect your emotions from your ex and find a new source of happiness. This can be anything that helps you regain control of your life and keep your emotions in check.
That said, here’s why you shouldn’t be friends with an ex, let alone an ex who hurt you.
Friendship with an ex who hurt you is strongly discouraged. It’s one of the worst decisions you can make whether you dumped your ex or did the dumping yourself. Even if you’re a dumper and you’re ready for friendship, your ex probably isn’t. He or she needs time to accept the breakup, get out of denial, and process the rejection.
How much time the dumpee needs depends on the dumpee’s self-esteem and coping mechanisms, but the dumpee needs at least half a year. Usually, it’s closer to a year as he or she needs to rebuild self-esteem from the ground up. The dumpee needs to fall back in love with himself or herself and stop seeing the dumper as his or her savior.
While the dumpee is figuring out how to do that, the dumpee shouldn’t be anywhere near the dumpee. Friendship is out of the question because it messes with his or her brain and causes tons of long-term problems.
What if I already agreed to be friends with my ex?
If you already agreed to friendship with your ex, it’s not too late to change your mind. You may look indecisive if you go back on your word, but that’s okay. Your healing and feelings come first, so you must act immediately.
If you talk frequently, you can contact your ex and tell your ex you’re not ready to be friends. But if your ex only reaches out occasionally, it may be best to wait for your ex to get in touch.
When he or she does, you can say something like, “Hey, I don’t want to sound rude, but I don’t feel ready to be friends yet. I know I agreed to give friendship a try, but that’s because I was hoping things would change. Since they haven’t, I think we should stop talking for a while. I don’t know how much time I need, but I’ll let you know when or if I’m ready. Take care.”
Your ex may not like it but he or she will nonetheless respect it, provided your ex understands how you feel and what you need.
If your ex doesn’t understand it and respect it, your ex may accuse you of being selfish. If that happens, don’t mind it too much. Consider your ex unempathetic and your recovery a priority. What your ex wants doesn’t matter. You may have feelings for your ex, but you won’t get your ex back through friendship.
You’ll only show your ex you’re eager for attention and that you’re willing to do anything your ex wants.
Remember that your ex needs to respect you before he or she can come back. If you don’t respect yourself and earn your ex’s respect, your ex will string you along for ages. He or she will do that until you’ve met someone else, pushed your ex away, assuaged your ex’s guilt, or lost your ex’s interest.
Hence, you should avoid befriending your ex and complicating your post-breakup experience. Instead of pinning your hopes on your ex, show your ex that you won’t settle for friendship with someone you have feelings for.
That way, you’ll preserve your value as an ex and allow yourself to move forward with your life.
If your ex changes his or her mind, your ex knows where to find you. All your ex has to do is apologize for leaving you and express a wish to make things right. Your ex will do that not because you were nice to him or her after the breakup but because things haven’t gone according to plan. Failure to find happiness without you will urge your ex to contact you and start a new romantic relationship.
So don’t think you must be friends with your ex in order to get another chance with your ex. If you convince yourself you must always be available to your ex, you’ll likely make breakup mistakes that push your ex away.
The best thing you can do whether you want to be with your ex or not is let go of control. Avoid thinking that friendship with an ex is normal and that you must hang on to your ex. If you can stay away from your ex, you’ll keep your ex out of your heart, and by doing so, get your ex out of your system as quickly as you can.
Are you friends or thinking about being friends with an ex who hurt you? What are the benefits you see in befriending your ex? Comment below and let me know.
And if you want to discuss your breakup situation privately, check out Magnet of Success breakup coaching services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
