My Ex Still Talks To Me But Doesn’t Want To Come Back

When an ex still talks to you but doesn’t come back, your ex isn’t ready to let go of you yet. I don’t mean that your ex can’t let go of you romantically because that already happened but that your ex wants you as a friend or someone your ex has a history with.

He or she wants to keep you around for a while or perhaps even permanently as doing so helps your ex get something or prevents him/her from feeling something.

It could be that your ex gets relationship benefits such as advice, support, money, and recognition or gets rid of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and other unwanted feelings and thoughts.

Whatever the reason for talking to you may be, it’s’ evident your ex isn’t talking to you to one day come back.

Dumpers don’t string their exes along so they can maybe just maybe get back together one day. They tend to focus on things they can get and the way they feel in the present moment.

How they feel or don’t feel is more important to them than securing a spot in a romantic relationship in which the future is uncertain. That’s why they completely stop thinking about working things out with their ex and focus on their wants and needs outside of the relationship.

Such things make them feel good whereas relationship obligations and expectations smother them and make them want to run away.

So if your ex still talks to you but doesn’t want to come back, bear in mind that your ex wants the best of both worlds right now. He or she wants your attention, care, forgiveness, and benefits that can enhance his or her life.

Your ex desires a responsibility-free life and doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends or occasional friends. Your ex just wants what your ex wants, which is to feel free, independent, and fulfilled.

The breakup brings a sense of relief and creates space for new opportunities.

It gives your ex just enough space to enjoy life without compromising his or her freedom and everything the breakup allows him or her to feel and do.

Because of a newly discovered sense of freedom, your ex has no intention of viewing you any differently and changing his or her mind about the breakup.

Your ex just wants to talk to you when it’s convenient and beneficial and not talk to you (focus on his/her life) when there’s nothing else to discuss. That tells you your ex has no romantic expectations of you and sees you purely as an ex-partner or a friend.

Most dumpers who talk to their exes don’t see their ex’s romantic worth because they only like their ex’s non-relationship traits and qualities. They like their ex’s company, support, caring nature, or wisdom, and the comfort or stability their ex provides to them.

Romantically, they’ve given up on their ex and don’t see the desire or need to do anything about it. Love is gone and so is their determination to invest in the person they’ve given up on.

Sometimes dumpers feel bad for destroying their ex’s relationship plans and wish they were more empathetic during or after the breakup, but sadly, guilt doesn’t reignite lost romantic feelings and cravings.

It only makes dumpers say and do things that help them ease their guilt.

Such dumpers want to know they aren’t bad people and that it’s morally acceptable to let go of their ex and move on with their lives. That explains why they often stop talking to their ex as soon as their ex demonstrates he or she has no ill feelings towards them. 

They just want to focus on themselves and the things they need to be happy.

In this article, we’ll talk about why your ex still talks to you but doesn’t want to come back. We’ll also give you some valuable tips on what to do when an ex strings you along and doesn’t commit no matter how hard you try.

Why does my ex still talk to me but doesn’t come back?

Dumpers talk to their ex but don’t come back for various reasons. One of them is guilt as the thought of hurting their ex and destroying their ex’s self-esteem, ambitions, plans, and goals weighs on their conscience and makes them want forgiveness.

They can get forgiveness by apologizing and hearing their ex say “It’s okay, I forgive you” or simply by testing the waters and seeing their ex composed. Most dumpers can indirectly assuage their guilt just by talking to their ex and asking a bunch of unimportant questions.

Another reason why dumpers keep talking to the person they left even though they don’t want to come back is that they like how the breakup feels. They enjoy the space the breakup provides and the minimum effort they’re required to put into talking to their ex.

They haven’t had so much freedom in a long time, so they talk to their ex only when they want to or need to.

They want to talk to their ex when they want advice and a familiar face to spend time with and need to when they feel guilty, sad, anxious, unwanted, and self-doubtful.

Talking to their ex helps them have their cake and eat it too as it allows them to feel emotionally fulfilled at their ex’s expense. While their ex is hurting and wondering why things aren’t progressing, they’re thinking why they waited so long to initiate the breakup.

If they had left earlier, they would have experienced a sense of freedom and empowerment earlier.

Unfortunately, many dumpers, lack breakup knowledge and the understanding of their ex’s emotions. They don’t know their ex wants to reconcile more than anything and that talking to their ex gives their ex tons of hope and anxiety.

That’s why many dumpers continue to breadcrumb, confuse, and depress their ex for ages by making it seem like they still like their ex and want to get back together. They’re too self-focused to put themselves in their ex’s shoes and realize they’re their ex’s worst nightmare.

Some dumpers even think their ex owes them friendship and demand that their ex gives it to them. They tell their ex they’re friends with their other exes and that it’s perfectly reasonable to downgrade from relationship to friendship.

Because they’re set on getting what they want, they methodically manipulate their anxious ex into thinking their ex is being selfish and unreasonable when in reality, they’re the selfish and unreasonable ones.

They’re the ones who expect their ex to ignore his or her anxiety, pain, depression, and cravings for validation and love—and give them what they want.

These expectations destroy dumpees from within as they start to think it may be possible to “win their ex back by befriending their ex” and showing him or her they’re capable of growing and being the person their ex wanted them to be.

What dumpees don’t know, though, is that dumpers don’t care about their growth and ability to change and that they’ve developed negative perceptions of them that restrict them from redeveloping romantic feelings.

Therefore, dumpers talk to their ex and don’t come back because they like talking and despise committing (at least to their ex). They just want the positive feelings and niceties they get from their ex.

As long as they see their ex as someone they can benefit from for free, they see no reason to commit or stop interacting. They feel they’re in a safe and comfortable spot between a relationship and friendship.

Your ex could also be talking to you and avoiding getting back with you because he or she is bored and lacks people to talk to. He or she may be used to conversing with you and may want things to stay that way for now.

So if you keep asking yourself, “Why does my ex still talk to me but doesn’t come back,” know that it’s got nothing to do with you. Sure, your ex appreciates you as a person, but the real reason your ex talks to you is that your ex is used to talking to you and feels comfortable.

You’re probably not saying or doing anything (or much) to disrespect, anger, pressure, and force your ex to push you away. Or if you are doing it, your ex is still patient and is doing his or her best not to hurt you more than he or she already has.

Having said that, here’s why your ex still talks to you but doesn’t come back.

If your ex still talks to you but doesn’t come back, you should know that your ex won’t magically regret dumping you. Something major will have to transpire before your ex reflects and understands why the relationship failed and what he or she needs to work on.

If you wait for your ex to have a light-bulb moment, you could wait a very long time. You could settle for friendship and watch your ex move on with other people, and talk about them too.

If you’re not ready for that, you should focus on the reasons why your ex keeps talking to you but refuses to commit. Make sure you understand them so you know your ex isn’t waiting this long because your ex is working on trusting you and falling back in love with you.

Instead of holding on to hope and telling yourself things that aren’t true, convince yourself your ex is focusing on himself/herself and trying to be happy without you. That may not seem productive at first, but it will make perfect sense when you make more emotional progress and realize you like how you think about your ex and how you feel about yourself.

Also, keep in mind that dumpers take their exes back when they’re not happy with themselves and/or the lives they’ve created after the breakup. They don’t come back just because they realize their ex is a good person.

Many good people get dumped, but not all good people reconcile as reconciliations need things to go wrong on the dumpers’ end.

What to do if my ex still talks to me but doesn’t come back?

As a dumpee, you need to put yourself first just like your ex does. You need to realize that your ex hasn’t come back so far because your ex didn’t want to come back. Your ex has been enjoying post-breakup freedom and relief and can’t come back with conversations alone.

If reconciliations were that easy, dumpees would just call their ex once or twice a day and wait for their ex to fall back in love with them. They’d essentially talk their way back into a relationship by making their ex forget the bad times and focus on the good ones.

Some fake breakup experts may try to convince you that this is how people get their exes back, but that’s a load of baloney. Most reconciliations don’t happen that way because dumpers need time to themselves to stop thinking their new life is better than the life they had when they were with their ex.

And they can do that only through serious self-reflection caused by something bad, difficult, and/or painful.

Something like a romantic rejection that destroys their confidence and self-esteem.

Always remember that dumpers need a powerful incentive to reconcile. One that tells them they messed up badly and that they need to fix things with their ex if they want to be happy.

Just like you want your ex back because you’re anxious, scared, and unhappy, your ex must want you back for the same reasons. He or she must see you’re strong, confident, ambitious, positive, and willing to move on with your life.

If you’re not willing to move on and show that your happiness depends on your ex’s love for you, you’re toast because your ex will feel guilt-tripped and pressured into being with you. And as you may know, pressure isn’t the kind of emotion your ex should experience.

It’s something you should prevent your ex from feeling by going no contact and letting your ex go.

When you do, your ex’s respect for you will increase. And so will your respect for yourself as you’ll finally allow yourself to detach, detox, and see things clearly.

So if you became an official or unofficial friend of your ex and you’re not happy that you’re at a standstill with your ex, try a different approach. Pull away from your ex and learn to love yourself without your ex’s validation.

Self-love is what you’re lacking, so figure out a way to be self-reliant and emotionally independent. You’ll see there’s more to life than chasing exes’ validation.

Don’t feel bad about starting no contact. If talking to your ex makes you want more of your ex’s attention, affection, and love—and gives you false hope that prevents you from moving on and dating other people, you must do what’s best for you, not your ex.

You must distance yourself from your ex physically and disconnect emotionally. A complete separation will slowly return your strength, feelings of worth, energy, ambitions, and purpose in life.

The sooner you tell your ex you need space, the better impression you’ll make on your ex and the quicker you’ll get yourself back.

So don’t worry about what your ex will think and feel. Worry about yourself and how you can get the most out of life.

That’s not selfish. It’s self-respectful. Ask any dumpee who stayed friends with the dumper and he or she will tell you what a waste of time and energy it was to stay friends with an ex. That person will tell you that life gets much better when you decide to let go of control and do things that are in your power to control.

Does your ex still talk to you but doesn’t want to come back? What does your ex normally talk about? Let us know in the comments below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.