Should I Apologize To My Ex Who Dumped Me?

If you’re in a dilemma about whether you should apologize to an ex who dumped you, the answer you’re looking for is a bit complicated.

It depends on many things such as how receptive, communicative, forgiving, and empathetic your ex is, how long ago the breakup happened, your levels of guilt and shame, your ability to move on, what you want to say to your ex, and the things you wish to apologize for.

For example, if the breakup destroyed your self-esteem and you want to apologize for something like begging and getting ignored or blocked, you shouldn’t apologize to your ex. If anyone should apologize, it’s your ex for not communicating (efficiently) and helping you lower your anxiety and fears.

As a dumpee, you probably have a hard time forgiving yourself for the errors you made throughout the relationship and the mistakes you made after the breakup. You want to apologize for them to obtain forgiveness, stop blaming yourself, and probably get back together with your ex.

Whether you want your ex back or not is not your only concern. If your ex isn’t responding or showing any care toward the pain he or she has caused, you should refrain from apologizing. You should stay far away from your ex as doing so will let you improve your mental health and forgive yourself.

Apologizing to an ex who isn’t treating you well will likely just cause more pain as there’s a decent chance your ex will say or do something to hurt you. It’s not a guarantee, but it’s possible your ex will ignore your suffering and make it worse.

Your ex will give you the opposite of what you’re looking for and stop you from moving on with a clear conscience.

Therefore, if you aren’t certain your ex will forgive you and help you relieve guilt, it’s best that you stay away from your ex and save your time and effort. Focus on yourself and find a way to forgive yourself without the help of your ex.

Once you’ve found a way to do that, you’ll realize you didn’t need your ex to move on and that you’re glad you didn’t reach out and pin your expectations on your ex.

So should you apologize to an ex who dumped you?

Well… it depends. 

If your ex is a decent person who tried to help but you did something uncalled for, something like slashing your ex’s tires, throwing your ex’s stuff out, refusing to communicate about the kids, and calling your ex a narcissist, you probably should say sorry. 

You should admit that emotions got the best of you and wish him or her the best of luck.

However, if you did something desperate such as begging and pleading, showing up at your ex’s house unannounced, asking your ex’s friends to reason with your ex, or tagging your ex on relationship posts, you probably shouldn’t apologize.

Apologizing for desperation will likely make you look more desperate and achieve the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. It will make your ex think you’re still trying to get back together and force your ex to lose even more respect for you.

You should apologize to your ex only if you still communicate, if your ex looks receptive and caring, if you genuinely regret something, and if you’re not going to use the apology as an excuse to talk to your ex and try to get back together.

An apology to an ex should be selfless, expectationless, and straight to the point. If you can’t make it solely about your words or actions and leave your ex alone afterward, you should give up on it and learn to live with regrets until you’ve managed to forgive yourself.

Also, keep in mind that not everyone will forgive you. Some people will refuse to do so with the intention of holding on to power, viewing you as the culprit, and getting back at you for hurting them.

If you think your ex is a vengeful, immature, or impulsive person who is unlikely to forgive you, you probably shouldn’t take the risk. You shouldn’t put your heart on the line and gamble with your health and happiness.

Instead of giving a dangerous ex a chance to stomp on your broken heart, stay in no contact or go in it and find different ways to deal with regrets.

A few good ways to do that are to practice self-forgiveness affirmations, open up to someone, and write your feelings on a piece of paper. The more you do that, the quicker you’ll discover you don’t need to apologize to an ex who doesn’t want to accept your apology.

With introspection, you’ll learn you need to change your perception of your ex and unlock the ability to think of regrets as lessons.

In this article, we shed some light on whether you should apologize to your ex who dumped you. We’ll show you when and how it’s okay to apologize and when it may be better not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.

Why do you want to apologize to an ex who dumped you?

Dumpers feel much more tempted to apologize to an ex who dumped them than dumpers. They feel rejected, regretful, nostalgic, sad, depressed, and downright miserable, so they apologize to their ex to get on their ex’s good side and make themselves feel better and look better.

Little do they know that an ex who dumped them doesn’t need an apology from them. The apology is for them to stop blaming themselves and cope with post-breakup blues. It’s something they do or are willing to do because of hurt feelings and lowered pride, ego, and self-esteem.

The breakup left a void in their chest and made them question their worth, so they have no problem apologizing for their mistakes and the things they’re half responsible for or not responsible for at all. Anxious dumpees think that apologizing to an ex will increase their value when in fact, it usually does the opposite.

It shows the dumper they don’t love themselves, that the dumper was right/victimized, and that they deserved what happened to them.

The sad truth is that unsolicited apologies seldom make dumpees look mature and worthy of being in a relationship.

They tend to confirm dumpers’ beliefs that their exes have issues and that they shouldn’t get anywhere near them.

So before you apologize to your ex for hurting him or her, make sure your ex even wants an apology and is capable of accepting it and responding empathetically to it. If you apologize to someone who ghosted you after a serious relationship, you shouldn’t expect that person to respond and be nice.

You should expect his or her morals to be lacking and to ignore you or treat you worse than when you were together.

Similarly, if you begged your ex to talk to you, demanded explanations for dumping you, and got super emotional after the breakup, don’t think you owe your ex an apology for being human. It’s normal to be upset after the breakup and to crave closure.

It’d be odd if you didn’t feel any pain and anxiety and moved on right away. That would probably mean you didn’t love your ex and had no plans for the relationship.

Although sometimes it’s okay to say sorry for human things that are out of your control (coughing, sneezing, twitching, snoring), this may not be necessary in breakups. It’s not necessary when your ex has all the power and you know or fear your ex could ignore you, block you, respond coldly, or treat you like a stranger.

If your ex mistreated you during or after the breakup, it may be better to forgive yourself for getting emotional and acting on those emotions. If you convince yourself you did something bad because you felt hurt, abandoned, unworthy, depressed, or anything that contributed to your lack of emotional and physical self-control, you don’t need to apologize to your ex.

You just need to learn to let go of your mistakes and move forward with your life.

Of course, this is easier said than done when every fiber in your body wants your ex’s love and reassurance, but it needs to be done so you can stop worrying about the mistakes you made and live your life the way you’re supposed to live it.

As nice a gesture as apologizing is, know that it puts you in a weak position with an ex and that you might not get what you expect from it. If your ex developed resentment and doesn’t care about your pain and suffering, it will make things worse as your ex won’t just ignore your pain and the desire to be on good terms.

Your ex will also show you he or she doesn’t value you and increase your separation anxiety, cravings for love, and various unresolved issues.

That means your ex will expose your weaknesses and make you suffer by not giving you the validation you intend to obtain by apologizing.

So take a step back and figure out why you want to apologize to your ex. Are you trying to get something from your ex? Something like reassurance, love, and another chance in a relationship?

If that’s the case, you should stay away from your ex and avoid apologizing by remembering that putting your ex in control of your self-esteem and healing is very dangerous.

But if you’re certain your ex’s response won’t hurt you and you wish to apologize because you want to do the morally right thing and think your ex wants to hear an apology, then, by all means, apologize to your ex.

Say you regret doing what you did and that you want him or her to be happy.

If the breakup is fresh and you feel anxious, you should understand that you wish to apologize to your ex for yourself. You want to stop feeling sad and rejected and make your ex love you and want to be with you.

That indicates you want to reach out for the wrong reasons and that you’ll probably overwhelm your ex with emotions and expectations.

Having said that, here’s when you should and shouldn’t apologize to an ex who dumped you.

If you think you should apologize to your ex who dumped you, you should probably also learn how to apologize to your ex properly. A good apology will demonstrate you don’t have any resentment or ulterior motives and that it’s safe for your ex to accept your apology and perhaps even converse and be friends.

You’ll never be able to completely predict how your ex will take the apology. But still, you need to understand your ex and his/her character and prepare a good apology before you contact your ex and get things off your chest.

How to apologize to an ex who dumped you?

If you’ve decided to apologize to an ex who dumped you, you’ve discovered that it’s safe for you to contact your ex and apologize to him or her. You’ve learned that your ex most likely won’t get annoyed, abuse power, and do hurtful things.

In that case, you should also remember that your ex doesn’t expect you to send long paragraphs and hear you beg for forgiveness. If you’re going to apologize, you should be private, unemotional, and concise—and should sincerely mention (not talk about) the things you regret saying or doing.

Once you’ve expressed yourself, wait for your ex to respond. Don’t double-text and/or pour your heart out to your ex on the phone or in person. You need to be patient and show you’re apologizing because it’s the right thing to do.

If your ex sees that, he or she will likely respond. It may be just a “Thank you” but it’s enough. No matter how your ex responds and how you feel about it, try to leave the conversation shortly after.

Don’t overextend the conversation just because you want forgiveness and miss your ex. You especially shouldn’t stay in a conversation if you notice your ex has no interest in conversing.

From the beginning till the end, keep observing your ex’s attitude and eagerness to communicate and determine if continuing to talk to your ex and apologizing about things from the past makes sense.

If it doesn’t make sense because it’s falling on deaf ears, stop talking to your ex immediately and learn to forgive yourself. And if it does make sense, make the conversation short and avoid asking personal questions.

Remember that you reached out to apologize rather than to learn about your ex’s new life and to support your ex.

You should basically make sure your apology has:

• no expectations
• no interest in meeting up
• no guilt-tripping
• no excuses
• no arguing
• and no hidden agenda

You can apologize to an ex who dumped you in person or via, call, text, or social media. It doesn’t matter how you do it as long as you don’t put too much effort into it and send (hand-crafted) letters.

To apologize, simply reach out to your receptive, communicative, and empathetic ex and say you want to apologize for the things you said or did and that you wish him or her the very best.

If your ex already forgave you or forgives you after apologizing—and wants to chit-chat, you can keep the conversation going for another minute or two. Just don’t stay for too long because it could overload your brain with unnecessary information and reopen your wounds.

Do you think you should apologize to your ex who dumped you? What should you apologize for? Share your views in the comments area below.

And if you want to talk privately about when and how to apologize, sign up for coaching with us.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.