Toxic Ex Keeps Contacting Me!

First of all, a toxic ex isn’t just someone you perceive poorly and associate negative feelings with. A toxic person is a person who is harmful to you, himself, and others. He doesn’t realize that his behavior is unhealthy and that he can’t put himself in other people’s shoes and understand their thoughts and feelings.

All he can do is use others and react poorly (usually angrily) to them when they stand up for themselves and give him a hard time.

Toxic exes like to keep contacting their exes. They want to string them along and think they’re powerful for making them respond negatively. Seeing their exes upset gives them an ego boost and increases their sense of superiority.

The stronger their exes respond, the more validated they feel and the better they think of themselves.

So if your toxic ex keeps contacting you, know that your ex wants to get a reaction out of you. He or she wants to know that you’re still around and willing to feed his or her ego and pride. Your ex wants you to cooperate and help him or her deal with various problems that likely stem from childhood.

If you don’t do what your ex expects, he or she may get upset and blame you for being selfish and unfair. That’s okay, though. You’re not supposed to talk after the breakup. The breakup happened because you couldn’t make the relationship work. If you already got closure, you should stay away from each other and work on your issues alone.

Friendship is possible only after you’ve gotten each other out of your systems and no longer feel attached.

Something tells me you don’t want to be friends with your toxic ex. You don’t even want to respond. Every time your ex texts or calls, you feel uncomfortable and wonder how you can make your ex stop contacting you.

We’ll talk about that in a minute. Right now, I need to make sure that your toxic ex really is toxic. You can do that by learning what toxic traits are.

We say an ex is toxic when an ex:

• gaslights you
• blames you
• lies to you
• tries to ruin your reputation
• competes against you
• guilt-trips you
• holds grudges against you
• plays the victim
• hogs power
• feels entitled to your time
• disrespects your family and boundaries
• cares only about himself
• lacks empathy, sympathy, and honesty
• and makes sure you stay engaged, hopeful, or hurt

Toxic people are incapable of dealing with their trauma and stresses. That’s why they project their problems onto their ex and blame their ex for not being good enough (capable of helping them). They can’t take responsibility for their actions and incompetence, so they make their ex the scapegoat and refuse to admit they’ve made mistakes.

They prefer to accuse others of mistreating them and not being mindful of their feelings and desires. Toxic people are by definition selfish. They put their thoughts and feelings before others and focus on getting what they can get out of people.

Some toxic exes threaten their exes whereas others try to ruin their ex-partners’ relationships and get satisfaction from them. Every underdeveloped ex thinks and acts differently. But all toxic exes have one thing in common. They all wish to cause harm and feel better about their miserable situation.

Because they’re unhappy with their lives and lack the motivation to improve them, they try to destroy people’s happiness (especially their exes’). Their goal is to make their exes’ lives so bad they can no longer envy their ex.

So if you’ve concluded that your ex truly is toxic and you’re not happy that your toxic ex keeps contacting you, don’t keep letting your ex mess with your post-breakup life. Don’t allow your ex to be in charge of your emotions and decisions.

You need to remember that you don’t owe your ex anything. If your ex was nice and needed help, that would have been a different story. But since your ex is bothering and hurting you, you owe it to yourself to protect yourself.

And there are a few ways you can do that.

In today’s post, we’ll discuss what you can do if your toxic ex keeps contacting you and making you feel miserable.

Why does my toxic ex keep contacting me?

Your toxic ex keeps contacting you because he or she is getting or is trying to get something out of you. Whether it’s validation, emotional support, forgiveness, self-acceptance, therapy, or a familiar face to spend time with, your ex relies on you and doesn’t want to stop contacting you.

Contacting you is beneficial for your ex, so your ex keeps doing it over and over again, despite you not being okay with it. This isn’t uncommon in the breakup world. Many dumpees rely on their ex for healing whereas dumpers rely on their ex for forgiveness. They try to get what they need to feel strong and move on.

But when it comes to exes demanding things and treating you unfairly, that’s a whole new ball game. It shows they’re more than just selfish as they’re trying to get a kick out of you.

Most toxic exes annoy their ex because they want to feel in control of the breakup and their ex’s life. They want to know that the person they dated still cares about them enough to respond and engage in meaningless conversation. This empowers them greatly and gives them reasons to keep bothering you.

Such people don’t care that they’re hurting you. They just want what they want—and they’re determined to get it.

It’s your responsibility to pull away from them. They won’t do it on their own unless they get what they need from you and find someone else to replace you with. You don’t want to wait for that to happen. You don’t know when or if it ever will.

That’s why it’s best to get rid of them swiftly on the day of the breakup. They need to see you’re not going to tolerate abuse and let them play with your feelings. Now that the breakup happened, they no longer have control over you and need to respect your boundaries or face the consequences.

For most toxic exes, the consequences include, getting blocked or reported to the police. They need to know what will happen to them if they keep contacting you and demanding things from you.

Anyway, toxic exes don’t know they’re toxic. They have a victim mentality, so they constantly accuse others of things they’re guilty of. They may eventually reflect and break these patterns, but it probably won’t happen anytime soon.

They’ll need to suffer immensely to want to dig into their pasts and identify their reasons for behaving in unhealthy ways.

The reason why your toxic ex keeps contacting you is because he or she is, well… toxic. The man or woman doesn’t know how to address his or her toxicity, problems, and urges and doesn’t understand that contacting you (especially in toxic ways) is unhealthy and detrimental to everyone’s growth and peace of mind.

Your ex just wants to extort power from you and feel important.

If you hadn’t been reaching out, your ex is starting to lose power and control. He or she feels that you’re moving on and doesn’t like it. Your newfound happiness badly hurts your ex’s ego and forces your ex to do something to regain control.

The easiest way for your ex to regain control is to simply reach out and get you to respond (even if it’s an angry response). Your ex’s goal is to keep you engaged and emotionally hooked as much and for as long as possible. Emotional dependence whether it’s good or bad validates your ex’s hungry ego and gives your ex enough strength to keep going.

Your ex needs validation to move on without you. Validation allows your ex to leave you alone for a while.

With that said, here’s why your toxic ex keeps contacting you and disturbing you.

When a toxic ex keeps contacting you, you must remember that your ex wants you to suffer and/or make you do something for him or her. This could be an errand, a financial or emotional favor, advice, or anything that shows you’re not ready to cut him or her off and start a new life.

A toxic ex may be a narcissist who thrives on your failures and unhappiness. He or she may think that if you’re not together, you’re against each other and that he or she needs to waste as much of your time, money, and emotions as possible.

Post-breakup rivalry is a real thing. It happens between couples who end their relationships on bad terms and think they must come out on top. Such couples or rather ex-couples want each other to fail and feel victorious. Feeling better, more attractive, or more successful validates their ego.

So if your toxic ex keeps contacting you and making you miserable on purpose, know that it’s got something to do with your ex’s desire for superiority and validation. Your ex wants to bring you down to uplift himself or herself. Communication empowers your ex in unhealthy ways and prevents your ex from reflecting on the breakup and growing as a person.

Toxic behavior essentially means avoiding responsibility, ignoring personal problems, shifting the blame, craving more power, and refusing to address anger issues and various unwanted emotions.

It’s caused by deep-rooted low self-esteem, an obsessive need to be in control, and the inability to control oneself.

Why do toxic exes come back?

Toxic exes come back because they’re toxic to other people and get punished for it. They experience pain and anxiety and begin to crave the convenience they had when they were with their ex. Most of the time, they come back only because they aren’t able to find happiness without their ex.

When reality kicks in, they start seeing their ex in a better light and run back to their ex to feel loved and important. Exes (especially toxic ones) don’t return for you. You are merely the person they use to help themselves feel better.

If they don’t value you (which they usually don’t) and improve themselves, chances are they will leave you again when they get what they need.

You should make sure they’re different people and that they’ve come back to both give and take otherwise you could get your heart crushed again.

You mustn’t assume that your ex has grown just because he or she had spent a few weeks or months without you. Dumpers don’t improve after the breakup much or at all because they’re in a position of power and focus on having fun.

They improve only when they experience problems and see that they’ll lose something important if they don’t change.

I encourage you to give it some serious thought before you accept a toxic ex back.

How to make your toxic ex stop contacting you?

Whether your toxic ex wants you back or just keeps annoying you, you shouldn’t keep tolerating his behavior. You should bear in mind that he’s feasting on your recognition and the things you can do for him or her.

That needs to stop. It must end immediately so you can both take your minds off each other and focus on more meaningful people and things. Staying in contact with someone you deem as toxic is dangerous to your happiness, self-esteem, and self-improvement.

You won’t be able to evolve as a person because your ex will keep hurting you and forcing you to deal with problems at hand instead of problems from the past.

There are many things you can do to stop your ex from contacting you. The first thing you can do is simply explain that you aren’t ready to be friends and stay in touch at this point and that you’d like him or her not to reach out again.

That usually suffices as normal people don’t want to intrude and cross their ex’s boundaries.

Toxic people, however, aren’t normal people. They don’t take no for an answer. They find their ex’s requests or demands too controlling. Hence why they get defensive and try to keep in touch with their ex despite them ex asking them not to.

Due to inflated egos, they think they have the right to reach out whenever they want.

Such people must be dealt with in a more determined manner. They must be told or shown that reaching out will have negative consequences.

You can warn them you’ll tell their parents or friends that they’re insulting you and that you’ll block them the next time they do that. Although toxic people hate being told what not to do, it’s still your best option. Give them a chance before you block them, delete them, change your number, and get a restraining order.

Some toxic exes just need to know that you’ll inform their parents, teachers, or mentors of their behavior or that you’ll report them to the police and stop talking to them.

When they know you’re fed up with their toxicity, they’ll either dare you to take things a step further or stop doing what they’re doing. If they don’t come to their senses, you can immediately eject them out of your life and prevent them from contacting you ever again.

No need to feel bad about it. Toxic exes don’t feel bad about you either.

Does your toxic ex keep contacting you? What is he/she saying? Share your story below and ask questions if you’d like.

And lastly, if you’d prefer to talk to us about your toxic ex, sign up for a coaching session.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.