When A Man Is Angry After A Breakup

When a man is angry after a breakup, he doesn’t listen to what you say, do, and expect. He’s done listening to you, reasoning with you, and making changes for you and because of you. The time for compromise is over.

It’s time for him to put himself first and protect himself from people and things that could potentially hurt him and put him at some kind of disadvantage.

Anger is essentially a self-defense mechanism. It allows your ex to separate himself from unwanted situations, thoughts, and behaviors. Doing so brings your ex peace and stability and makes it possible for your ex to focus on only the things he wants to focus on.

If your ex thinks that he can’t self-focus because you’re trying to push your own beliefs and expectations onto him, your ex feels unheard, disrespected, pressured, and victimized—and responds with anger and fury.

By getting angry, your ex tells you that he doesn’t like what you’re doing and that you need to stop doing it immediately. Failure to do so could result in blocking, ignoring, or perhaps even a restraining order.

Bear in mind that prolonged, unresolved, and unmanaged anger often grows into resentment. It makes the dumper so furious, the dumper pushes unhealthy perceptions of you deep into his subconscious. This makes the dumper angry, uncomfortable, or repulsed just by seeing you or being reminded of you.

If you don’t want that to happen to your ex, you need to give your ex some space to breathe. You need to let him know he’s in charge of his life and that you won’t try to make him think, feel, and behave the way you want him to.

The easiest way to do that is to start no contact and distance yourself from him. No more texting, calling, “accidentally” running into him, and initiating conversations with him. If he’s angry, it’s not because he wants you to help him calm down.

Breakups aren’t relationships in which couples look for apologies and understanding from each other. They’re highly sensitive emotional states where the dumper is emotionally detached and doesn’t want to associate with the dumpee any longer.

The dumpee’s behavior (even if it’s nice) smothers the dumper because it reminds the dumper of past issues and evokes unhealthy perceptions. This means the dumpee’s presence alone triggers the dumper’s unprocessed pain and makes the dumper fight pain with anger.

The dumper has power after the breakup and isn’t afraid to stand up for himself and get angry. He feels he finally has a say and that he can take back control by force if he needs to. Control allows him to dictate the flow of the breakup and lets him experience only the kind of thoughts and feelings that make him feel good.

He simply doesn’t have the patience and willpower to tolerate behaviors that drain his energy, trap him, guilt-trip him, and make him want to give the relationship another shot.

The majority of dumpers need space after the breakup. Because of the unpleasant experiences they had with their ex, they associate stress and misery with their ex and can’t talk to their ex anymore. If their ex forces them to talk, they feel pressured into responding and often become angry and mean.

How they respond, of course, depends on every individual. Some dumpers are more developed (have better self-control and healthier perceptions) and have a higher sense of responsibility than others.

But most dumpers still get angry if the dumpee pins expectations on them, asks for attention and affection, guilt-trips them, threatens them, or does anything that puts them in a tight spot.

Dumpers are in a position of strength, so it’s not difficult for them to get angry and stop responding. It may be difficult for you because you feel rejected and depend on them, but dumpers are not sentimental and don’t feel invalidated.

Their self-esteem is just fine, hence why they don’t expect anything from you. Nothing romantically, that is. They just want to be left alone and feel at peace.

Today’s topic focuses on dumpers who feel angry after the breakup. This article explains why they get angry and what you can do to placate them.

Why is a man angry after a breakup?

A man (ex-boyfriend) is angry after a breakup because he’s not getting what he needs from you. He expects space and quiet, but instead, you communicate with him and put him in situations in which he feels pressured.

Because of this, he can’t deal with the breakup in ways he needs to. He can’t do that when you constantly remind him that you’re not happy and that he should sacrifice his happiness for yours.

Your expectations and demands infuriate the dumper more than anything. They make him feel responsible for helping you even though he broke up with you to no longer have to focus on you and invest time and energy into the relationship.

Because he feels forced to communicate when all he wants is to focus on his happiness, he experiences immense pressure and feels overwhelmed. And overwhelm brings out the worst in him. It makes him lose his patience and enables him to treat you poorly.

The guy probably doesn’t want to hurt you on purpose, but because he’s a reactive person (most people are), he reacts to pain with anger. In this way, he tries to tell you that you’re not listening to his wants and needs and that you need to accept that the relationship has ended, and that you need to stop what you’re doing.

If you don’t stop, he’ll continue feeling overwhelmed and responding to overwhelm in ways that make the most sense to him.

From what I see, suffocation and overwhelm are the most common and difficult emotions dumpers face. These emotions absolutely enrage dumpers as they prevent dumpers from processing the breakup and enjoying their space and independence.

Dumpers want to feel in control of their post-breakup life. But because their exes don’t let them, they take their anger out on them and hurt vulnerable dumpees. They show them love is gone the hard way and make them sink deeper into depression.

That’s why dumpees must know what to do and not to do after the breakup. They mustn’t think of their breakup as a relationship and think their ex will cool off if they just talk to their ex, express their love, and promise to do better.

Sadly, there is no more relationship to work on after the breakup. The dumper has given up on it and wants to experience a single life. Single life gives him peace whereas the idea of being in a relationship with an ex repulses him.

It makes the dumper feel so bad, he gets angry and wants nothing to do with the dumpee. The dumper just wants to distract himself and avoid thinking about the dumpee.

Negative associations are so strong for the dumper that the dumper would rather stay home and do nothing all day, every day than hang out with the dumpee and feel uncomfortable. The dumper would do everything in his power to avoid feeling boxed in and guilt-tripped.

Yes, some dumpers want friendship. But such dumpers aren’t angry with their ex. They don’t need to process negative breakup emotions because they’ve already done that.

With that said, here’s why a man is angry after a breakup.

Some dumpees wonder why their ex is angry at them when their ex was the one who dumped them. They think they should be the angry ones because they got dumped, mistreated, and/or disrespected.

What such dumpees don’t understand is that their ex has power and feels victimized and suffocated. He wants to focus on himself or perhaps on some new romantic partner. But because he can’t (keeps being reminded of the dumpee), he gets overwhelmed and react to overwhelm with anger and destruction.

Some dumpers raise their voice and leave afterward whereas others take things personally and fight their ex head-on. They don’t know their ex is just looking for reassurance, love, and respect.

So bear in mind that a man is angry after a breakup because you’re doing something wrong or because he feels the need to get back at you for something you did while you were together.

He might also be angry because he’s immature and doesn’t like that you’re moving on and talking to other people already. Some dumpers consider breakups competition and reach out to their ex to boost their ego and pride.

Regardless of why your ex is angry after the breakup, your ex shouldn’t be taking his frustrations out on you. Your ex should be keeping in mind that anger is hurting you and delaying your recovery.

How to make your ex stop feeling angry after a breakup?

To defuse a man’s anger, you must stop doing what’s making him feel angry. If you’re messaging him, talking to his friends about the breakup, and revealing his secrets on Facebook, stop doing that immediately.

You may really want his attention and affection, but you’re not going to get it by portraying yourself as a weak and desperate individual. Desperation will only repulse your ex further and kill the chances of him wanting to talk to you or getting back with you.

You need to remember that angry exes don’t want to be pampered and feel sorry for you. They want to feel that they’re in control of their lives and that they do only what they want to do.

Communication and demands will never make them feel safe enough to let down their guard and respond peacefully. That’s why you need to break your current thinking and behavioral patterns and do the opposite of what you’re doing.

Show your ex that you’re not going to bother him with your problems and that you’re strong and capable of taking care of yourself. Your ex needs to see that your self-love is bigger than your obsession with him because that’s the only way he’ll respect you and wonder what you’re up to.

When he sees you’re focusing on yourself again, he won’t necessarily talk to you right away, but he will stop feeling pressured and angry.

Right now, you need to focus on de-escalation. Do that by surrounding yourself with people who love you and refusing to pick fights with your ex. Your ex-boyfriend will probably stop feeling angry and responding angrily soon or right after you’ve withdrawn your attention and stopped forcing your ex into situations he doesn’t want to be in.

On the other hand, if you’re not doing anything to hurt your ex and your ex still feels angry (let’s say you work together, have kids, and/or live together), then you need to keep in mind that your presence evokes unpleasant emotions and that it makes your ex react to those emotions.

In this case, you need to do limited no contact and interact with your ex only when you need to.

It will take your ex some time to stop feeling angry, but that’s not your problem. Your ex’s emotions are your ex’s problem. You have plenty of your own (bigger) problems to deal with.

You have to focus on detachment and healing and avoid seeing your ex angry. Doing so will minimize emotional setbacks and speed up your recovery.

So your ex is angry after a breakup and his anger is hurting you, distance yourself from him and his emotional outbursts. If your ex is reaching out, tell your ex you need some space and that you won’t be replying to any more texts or calls.

If you’re reaching out to your ex, stop contacting your ex by imposing a no contact rule on yourself.

And if you’re forced to communicate with your ex, talk only about essential things. That way, your ex will calm down and stop feeling the need to retaliate.

Most dumpers just want peace. When they get peace, they stop getting angry. As for those who reach out with the intention to hurt you, they’re bitter and vengeful and should be dealt with swiftly.

You can safely block them and get a restraining order against them if you need to.

Did you learn what to do when a man is angry after a breakup? What’s your advice on dealing with angry men? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

And lastly, if you want to talk to us about your angry ex, subscribe to coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.