Talking to your ex about getting back together requires a lot of patience, confidence, understanding of your ex’s feelings, and breakup knowledge. It requires you to know your role in the breakup and that you respect your ex; otherwise you could say or do things your ex doesn’t agree with and annoy your ex.
In other words, talking to your ex as if the breakup never happened could smother, guilt-trip, anger, and hurt your ex and make your ex even less interested in reconnecting with you.
Bear in mind that a reconciliation talk isn’t something you should have when your ex is perfectly happy with the breakup and is ignoring you, moving on, and dating other people.
It’s a conversation you should engage in only when your ex runs out of options and sees you as the only person who can make him or her happy. That’s when your ex will come to you (not the other way around) and let you see, hear, and feel that leaving you was a mistake and that he or she is sorry for acting so foolishly.
When regret kicks in, your ex will start the reconciliation conversation willingly and will show you it’s the dumper’s responsibility to gather the strength, lower the pride, admit fault, apologize, promise to do better, and fix what he or she broke.
If you as a dumpee try to make the job easier for the dumper by talking to the dumper about fixing things and getting back together, you’ll come off as an extremely insecure and desperate individual. You’ll show your ex how badly you want to reconcile—and by doing so, decrease your ex’s respect and interest in you.
And that will make it much harder for your ex to feel comfortable and want to be with you.
You have to understand that dumpers need space and that it’s extremely unlikely your ex will take you back when you don’t respect yourself and insist on getting back together.
It’s much much likely that your ex will feel repulsed and overwhelmed by your unconditional love (aka denial) and react negatively to it. Dumpers tend not to respond well to pressure and their ex’s self-degradation. They value people who value themselves as such people can support themselves and give their exes a shoulder to lean on when or if they need it.
Desperation and acts of service don’t help the dumper fall back in love. They just let dumpees unload their feelings and expectations on their dumper. That’s how dumpees unknowingly guilt-trip the dumper and make the dumper wish he or she didn’t have to interact with the dumpee.
So if you want to know how to talk to your ex about getting back together, the most important thing is that you both need to be on the same page about getting back together. You can’t just walk up to your ex, say you’ve learned your lessons, and that you’re now ready to be a responsible partner.
Your ex won’t agree to be your partner so easily because your ex will find your persistence rude, unthoughtful, and irrational. Your ex is emotionally detached and won’t believe or care about your realizations and regrets.
The dumper feels emotionally exhausted and will likely think you’re making a fool out of yourself for not knowing when to accept the breakup and quit.
So again, talk to your ex about getting back together when your ex comes up to you, calls you, or texts you and says that leaving you was a mistake and that he or she is prepared to work on the relationship together.
That will give you back the power your ex had taken away from you and make it possible to talk about getting back together and having a fresh start.
In today’s post, we discuss how to talk to your ex about getting back together. We show you how to have a proper reconciliation conversation with your ex and what mistakes to avoid.
How to talk to your ex about getting back together?
Now that you know it’s not the dumpee’s job to start talking about getting back together, let’s talk about how to reconcile with your ex.
The first thing you must do when your ex contacts you and expresses the desire to see you and/or talk about getting back together is meet your ex for coffee (preferably in public). You don’t want to invite your ex to your home because that would let your ex get back into your private life right away – without earning your trust back.
You need to keep a little bit of distance at first. At least until you agree to give the relationship another go. There should be a little bit of hesitance on your end so as not to appear too eager to be with your ex.
Anyway, once you’re certain your ex wants to be with you again, invite your ex out, or even better, wait for your ex to invite you out. Make sure you’re okay with the location and time and that you don’t just meekly agree to everything your ex says and wants.
You might be a passive person, but even so, you must let the reconciliation unfold on your terms.
Your ex had the power and all the say while you were broken up. Now it’s time for the power to swap. This is important so your ex can see you know your worth.
It’s also important to ask your ex lots of questions, starting with why he or she left and came back. Your ex needs to answer honestly, directly, and without any fear or hesitation because a poor/unconvincing answer would show that he or she isn’t prepared to work on personal flaws and relationship problems.
If your ex lies about the reasons for leaving and coming back, your ex obviously won’t work on them. He or she will take them lightly and continue to lie to you when you get back together. That will make the relationship fragile and put it at great risk of breaking up.
So accept nothing but complete and utter honesty. Only take your ex seriously if your ex acknowledges his or her mistakes and expresses the desire to self-improve and grow as a couple.
If your ex doesn’t talk about things that caused the breakup and say what and how to improve them, you shouldn’t expect the relationship to be any better the second time around. You should expect it to face the same issues and not to last very long.
A couple of weeks is usually how far a reconciled relationship with no plans and motivation to improve gets. Such a relationship changes back to the way it was once a couple gets through the infatuation phase.
Another thing you should talk about if you’re thinking about getting back together with someone who dumped you is your ex’s commitment to you. You want to make sure that your ex hasn’t come back just because your ex is bored or lonely.
You want to be certain your ex’s feelings are real and long-lasting. Essentially, you’re looking for love, commitment, regret, and adoration as these emotions typically signal the desire for long-term investment.
As for short-lasting feelings that you want to avoid, they’re feelings that will likely cause another breakup. I’m talking about feelings such as guilt, pressure (from the family), loneliness, boredom, hesitation, or fear of being alone.
You need to avoid getting back with an ex if you sense that your ex isn’t set on being with you. Tell your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend you’re not convinced that getting back together is the right thing to do and that you wish him or her the best of luck.
Dumpers don’t always come back for the right reasons. Oftentimes, they come back to take something from the dumpee. Something like forgiveness and validation. Once they receive what they need, they quickly become doubtful about being with their ex and start pulling away again.
To avoid getting your heart broken again, you should ask your ex questions such as, “What makes you so sure this relationship is the right one for you? What do you hope to get out of this relationship? What are your plans? Are you doing anything to change? How do you feel about me and the future?”
The more questions you ask, the more you’ll understand how serious your ex is about being with you and how likely it is that the relationship will stay strong and get past the infatuation phase. Don’t worry about trapping your ex by discussing important topics such as kids, marriage, work, friends, family, or anything you previously didn’t get a clear answer on.
The reconciliation conversation is the perfect time to ask these questions because if your ex hasn’t resolved issues that broke you up and isn’t interested in working on them, it may be best not to get back with your ex.
A dumper who doesn’t feel the need to grow when he or she wants you back most likely won’t change when you get back together either. People change when they realize they messed up and that they might not get another chance if they don’t change fast enough.
As for how to talk to your ex about getting back together, wait for your ex to bring up reconciliation.
When you’re certain your ex wants you back, you can then start by saying, “Before we get back together, I want you to show me you’ve changed. I want you to communicate with me, tell me how you feel and don’t feel, be honest with me, and listen to what I tell you. There will be some changes in our relationship that you may not like. Are you prepared to hear me out and do what it takes to earn my trust back?”
If your ex is prepared to do anything to be with you (which a regretful dumper is), your ex will immediately say yes. There will be no hesitation or arguing about it because your ex will value you and gladly let you steer the relationship in the right direction.
Your newfound strength will make your ex see that you take breakups seriously and that he or she needs to follow your lead and avoid disappointing you.
Here are some tips on how to talk to your ex about getting back together.
Your ex needs to see that if he or she disappoints you that you won’t get back together or stay together for long. You need to send the message that this time, you’re much less naive and forgiving and that your ex has only one chance to make things right.
If he or she wastes that chance, you’ll have no choice but to walk away and move on.
When the dumper notices your emotional strength and sees you’re not messing around, your ex will become afraid of failing you. This is the only kind of fear you want your ex to feel as it will encourage your ex to grow much more than he or she would if you immediately accepted your ex back.
The last time you were together, your ex didn’t respect you and see the value you brought to the table. He or she took you for granted and focused on his or her own wants and needs.
But now that your ex wants you back, that needs to change as your ex lost power and needs to grow. The best way your ex can learn from his or her mistakes is to be shown that getting back with you won’t be as easy as he or she may have thought.
To be with you, your ex will need to communicate better, deal with emotions and problems better, control temptations, and be on the same page with you about the direction of the relationship.
As a dumpee, you need to preserve your worth and wait for your ex to get himself or herself in a pickle. That’s when you’ll be in the best position to negotiate and force your ex to make the changes necessary for staying with you long-term.
So again, don’t talk to your ex about getting back together before your ex feels the need to get back together. Stay in no contact instead and be patient until you’re certain your ex feels about you the same way you feel about him or her.
That will put you in a position of strength whereas begging your ex to get back together will make you look and feel weak and unattractive.
Before you talk to your ex about getting back together, make sure that you’re in a position to bargain.
You’ll be in that position when you:
- regain control over your thoughts and emotions
- rebuild your self-worth
- think rationally
- stop depending on your ex for recognition, love, and support
- enjoy your life again
You can talk about getting back together with someone who abandoned you only when you can handle rejection and another breakup. When you can handle anything, your inner strength and confidence will be visible from a mile away and will tell your ex that if he or she doesn’t get his or her act together, you’ll choose someone who will.
Of course, you shouldn’t try to scare your ex by saying that there are plenty of fish in the sea. If you see potential in your ex, show your ex you chose him/her. But do it in a way that demonstrates your life doesn’t revolve around your ex and that you’ll be fine even if your ex leaves again.
You can do that by:
- expressing yourself confidently
- hanging out with friends
- prioritizing your family
- focusing on work and hobbies
- working toward your goals and ambitions
- exercising, meditating, traveling
- discovering your true worth
- and doing anything that shows you love yourself
How to take it slow when getting back with an ex?
It’s important to take it slow when you’re starting to trust your ex again. By taking it slow, you can measure your ex’s love for you and his or her determination to grow and be the person you want your ex to be.
You can take it slow by letting your ex know you’ll be watching his or her attitude, communication, loyalty, honesty, and all the things your ex wasn’t so good at before. You’ll be doing that for a couple of weeks or until you’re certain you’ve seen enough.
While you’re observing your ex, you must stick to your word and stop yourself from naively jumping into the same kind of relationship as before. This relationship must be different, and your ex must feel it. And the easiest way for your ex to feel it is to see that you’ve changed and that he or she won’t get away with unhealthy behaviors and attitudes.
When your ex does something you don’t like, let your ex know that it’s one of the things you wanted him or her to change. Don’t shout at your ex or do anything crazy, but do appear stern and reaffirm your commitment to being with your ex only if he or she treats you as an equal partner.
Your renewed self-esteem and strength should make your ex see that you won’t tolerate things you aren’t comfortable with.
If you don’t want to be sexual with your ex for a little while, you can tell your ex that too. You have every right to be careful and test your ex before you fully commit to him or her. You taking it slowly should teach your ex a powerful lesson, which is that your ex can’t just do anything he or he wants and get away with it.
Taking it slowly requires patience, self-awareness, and lots of communication. Make sure your ex understands what you’re doing so your ex doesn’t feel you’re being cold and unreceptive just to get back at him or her. Making life difficult for your ex for too long could make your ex give up.
So feel free to take it slow for a while. Your ex won’t mind it (too much) as long as you slowly let go of control over time. Eventually, you’ll need to let your ex back into your life fully and try to have the kind of relationship you wanted to have all along.
That’s what taking it slow is all about.
How do you think you should talk to your ex about getting back together? Did you ever get back together with an ex? Were there any noticeable changes? Share your thoughts and experiences below. We look forward to your comment!
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Do you think it’s a strict rule that dumpees should never reach out? I had a short term relationship that was amazing, we both have never had more in common with anyone, but I had low self-esteem and was justifiably blocked, although without a word, a couple months after they asked for space. I’m at peace with the idea of neither of us saying a word to each other again, but we both don’t really fit the regular social mold in terms of personality and interests, and even though we both just started dating apps again, I feel there’s a good chance neither of us finds someone that sticks anytime soon from personal experience. And I may or may not be wrong about that but I’m not pessimistic as I’ve found fulfillment within myself again, regaining independence.
But I’ve been thinking that maybe in a few months, half a year after the breakup, that if neither of us have found someone and they haven’t reached out, that it wouldn’t hurt for me to reach out if I still have an urge then. I know it’s at least best to hold off for now for both of us, be better by respecting their boundaries, let time run its course, and let them and myself survey other options. But, I feel never reaching out as the dumpee may be a bit paradoxical if you still care after significant time has passed. The dumper has little incentive to reach out if they don’t know if the dumpee has changed, but the only way to know is to reach out, so they never will as their perception never has the opportunity to change. So do you think reaching out after waiting a handful of months and seeing where we’re both at in terms of relationship status a bad idea if I’m still open to the idea then? Again I’ve proudly regained independence, so there would be no expectations, I don’t mind putting my pride on the line, and wouldn’t be at all dependent on a response or anything.
Hi Magaret.
Dumpees can “care” even after a year or two post-breakup. If they reach out and get ignored, blocked, or rejected, they can become more desperate for their ex’s love. You must remember that dumpers let go of dumpees and that they shouldn’t be chased. It’s just not attractive. If they realized their dumpee’s worth, they would reach out with romantic expectations.
It’s not about your pride, but rather your ex’s perception of you. He needs to give you your lost power back and show some responsibility. If you do the work for him, the chances of him staying for long are very low.
Sincerely,
Zan
such a good article Zan!
I totally agree that when regret kicks in, dumper will start the reconciliation conversation willingly.
Definitely it’s the dumper’s responsibility to gather the strength, lower the pride, admit fault, apologize, promise to do better, and fix what he broke.
Always learning healthiest way from you Zan ❤️
Hi Linda.
It’s always the dumper’s job to talk about getting back together. It needs to be that way so that the power can switch.
Best,
Zan
“You can take it slow by letting your ex know you’ll be watching his or her attitude, communication, loyalty, honesty, and all the things your ex wasn’t so good at before. You’ll be doing that for a couple of weeks or until you’re certain you’ve seen enough.”
Zan,
This article is a great step by step tutorial. Are you sure 2 weeks or so is enough though? Lots of guys can grit their teeth and act nice for a couple of months to get what they want, just saying. What do you think about extending the taking it slow phase to 6 months? You know that guys are controlling by nature and are unable to cede control in just ~2 weeks. They can’t help it, they’re wired like that.
Hi Claire.
If you hold back feelings and do it for months, many guys will get tired of being pushed away. They’ll lose interest and leave. If you can’t trust a guy for hurting you and are afraid of getting dumped again, you must communicate with him. Tell him you’d like to talk about the breakup and explain why you have difficulty letting go of it. Say you seek understanding and sympathy.
So yes, some guys will pretend to have changed. But most guys who do that will not do it for very long. They wouldn’t feel the need to do that. If they value their partner, it’d be easier to just change.
Kind regards,
Zan