Serial Dater Psychology: Red Flags, Causes, And Solutions

For those who don’t know, a serial dater chases the high of a new relationship. He or she seems very eager and invested at first, but when emotions of excitement wane, so too does his or her commitment. In a matter of days, the serial dater detaches, loses interest, and no longer wants to bond.

Bonding traps the serial dater and tells him or her that being tied down in a relationship brings more problems than it solves. Instead of making him/her feel loved and respected, the serial dater feels overwhelmed and fears that he or she is missing out.

That’s why a serial dater’s commitment depends on how free, fresh, and exciting the relationship feels. If the relationship is new, straightforward, expectation-free, and directionless, the serial dater enjoys the moment and doesn’t fuss about the future.

But the moment his or her partner develops feelings and wants more out of the relationship, the serial dater for lack of a better word gets scared and starts feeling pressured into committing and getting more serious.

Because the serial dater wants to just have fun and isn’t emotionally ready to settle down yet, the serial dater fails to understand the importance of committing to one person. He or she just wants to have fun, and as a result, once again starts looking for someone else to go through the new relationship stages with.

Someone who doesn’t express relationship goals and complains about not getting enough attention, time, or affection out of the relationship.

The serial dater’s partner doesn’t need to verbally ask for relationship benefits to overwhelm the serial dater. All he or she needs to do is have normal/healthy relationship expectations and plan dates. Giving love smothers the serial dater as it creates the expectation to receive love and commitment back.

Consequently, the serial dater again decides to monkey-branch to someone with zero expectations and makes his or her ex wonder what happened. This cycle repeats itself until the serial dater reflects on life choices/goals and matures up.

And this tends to happen when:

• one of his/her partners takes revenge and teaches the serial dater a lesson
• the serial dater gets tired of getting to know new people all the time
• the serial dater resolves his or her fears and problems and wants a long-term relationship
• the man or woman gets affected by societal pressure and thinks it’s time to settle down

So in essence, a serial dater stays a serial dater until he or she discovers a better way to live life. And that tends to happen when regret kicks in and interferes with his or her mentality. A shocking revelation can convince a serial dater that the current way of life is causing stagnation rather than moving forward and growing.

People need to have some sort of epiphany to change and evolve. This is especially true when it comes to serial daters because serial daters need to rewire their beliefs, get rid of deep-rooted fears, and develop a strong desire to live a less hectic (more stable) life.

In this post, we shed some light on serial dater psychology. We talk about the serial dater definition, discuss how you can spot a serial dater, and share some tips on how to handle one.

How to spot a serial dater?

Initially, you probably won’t be able to spot a serial dater as the serial dater will make it look like you have nothing to worry about. The man or woman will be very attentive, respectful, kind, generous, loving, supportive, and everything you ever wanted from a partner.

Everything will be like straight out of a fairytale. But sadly, not all fairytales have a happy-ever-after ending. Relationships with a serial dater in it are merely an illusion. The moment the serial dater gets used to having you around, his or her emotions of excitement will wane and be replaced with pressure, annoyance, boredom, or repulsion.

That’s when he or she will start arguing, expressing discontent, pulling away, and showing interest in other people.

So know that there aren’t any surefire ways to quickly tell that someone is a serial dater. The most you can do is observe your partner’s behavior and see if he or she is extremely eager to date you. Being into you too much too soon could indicate that he or she is trying to use you rather than invest in you.

And a person who wants to use you for selfish gain sooner than later gets what he or she is after and loses the determination to pursue the relationship. That’s when you can expect the serial dater to reject you and leave you before you can do that to him or her.

Some serial daters are like this because of fear of abandonment and trauma whereas others are so used to being with people and leaving them that they don’t get attached to people anymore. They see relationships as means of benefitting emotionally and sexually.

Such people are only capable of having flings and short-term relationships. Anything that goes on for longer than a few months scares them and pressures them. It makes them feel so uncomfortable that they act on those emotions and single-handedly destroy the relationship.

Before you get into a relationship with a potential serial dater, you should dig into his or her past a bit. Find out how many people he/she had been with, how long those relationships lasted, and who left. If this person was the dumper, something’s likely up with his or her ability to commit long-term.

Some kind of unresolved issue is preventing him or her from wanting a healthy romantic relationship. It’s not your job to understand exactly what the issue is, but you do need to put yourself first and protect yourself from people who don’t mind hurting you out of selfish gain.

They won’t protect you, so you need to do that.

Therefore, you can spot a serial dater by:

• watching how he or she entices you (coming on too strong too soon is a red flag)
• learning a thing or two about his or her previous relationships (does he/she get attached?)
• asking what would you do and what do you think questions
• observing his or her long-term commitment (when the relationship needs the effort to grow)
• looking for any unresolved personal/childhood issues, commitment phobias, avoidance tendencies, life goals, and current stage in life

Serial dater psychology takes some time to understand. But when you discover that serial daters like to get to know as many people as possible due to a fear of commitment and settling down, you should also see if the person you’re seeing likes you for who you are or just likes you while you’re new and don’t feel comfortable enough to express difficulties, problems, dislikes, and concerns.

When you’re in love, picking up on signs that a person is a serial dater is not easy. Emotions will likely cloud your rational thinking and make you hopeful that everything’s fine. But despite that, you need to be prepared for anything so you don’t get attached and discarded afterward.

Here’s how you can spot a serial dater.

How does one become a serial dater?

A person becomes a serial dater through a series of harmful events. Oftentimes, serial dater symptoms start to develop as early as childhood or adolescence as that’s when a person absorbs the most good and bad information and behaviors from his or her parents/caregivers.

If a child’s role models are dysfunctional and go through many (unhealthy) romantic partners (especially at an early age), that doesn’t necessarily mean that his or her life will be a complete mess, but it does mean that this person will unknowingly pick up some of his/her parents’ unhealthy traits, behaviors, and patterns.

Many of these patterns remain hidden until a person gets into a romantic relationship. That’s when they’ll start to come out in ways that resemble their parents.

Many people tell themselves “I’m nothing like my parents” or “I don’t want to be like them.” Such people try hard not to make the same mistakes as their parents, and they probably don’t. But what they don’t realize is that they have thousands if not millions of other qualities and character traits that match their parents or the people they grew up with.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We are our parents whether we like it or not. Some things we can change but most of the things we can’t or don’t because we don’t even know we have them. It takes some serious introspection to notice we’ve picked up some habits, traits, and behaviors from our parents.

Once we’ve discovered unhealthy traits, we then need to put in the effort to change/improve them.

So bear in mind that a serious dater is created, not born. Unhealthy/negative events scar people and make them develop certain thinking and behavioral patterns. Those patterns often mimic their parents’ beliefs/behaviors/traits and continue to exist due to people’s fears, apprehension, selfishness, and craving for instant gratification.

Things that create a serial dater are:

• dysfunctional childhood (a lack of love and poor self-esteem)
• unhealthy romantic relationships
• fear of commitment and missing out on life
• unhealthy thoughts and anxiety
• addiction to the highs of a new relationship
• avoidance of trauma, mental health issues, and problems
• fears of being abandoned
• a lack of emotional intelligence and self-work in general

Serial daters live in the moment and stay happy as long as they’re infatuated. And they’re normally infatuated for a few months, depending on how fast the relationship progresses and gets serious.

Once a serial dater gets the feeling that the relationship is becoming too demanding, the relationship ends very quickly. It goes from 100 to 0 seemingly overnight and shocks his or her loyal partner.

The worst thing about breaking up with a serial dater is that the serial dater then finds someone new to date very quickly. The SD (serial dater) doesn’t help the dumpee detach and wait for him or her to get over the breakup. The SD has a “me mentality” and wants to boost his or her happiness and validation with someone new right away.

Due to his or her confidence and dating experience, the serial dater knows all the right things to say to someone he or she fancies. That’s why the serial dater always presents himself or herself as an emotionally available person and makes a good impression on the people he or she entices and monkey-branches to.

I don’t want you to feel too sorry for serial daters. They may have unresolved issues, but they choose not to do anything about them. Every time they hurt someone, they convince themselves their ex wasn’t compatible with them and by doing so, refuse to mature and improve the chances of their next relationship working out.

Serial daters are convinced they have the right to be happy, hence why they put a high priority on instant gratifications and fail to see how they’re a danger to others.

Due to their unprocessed trauma, they traumatize the people they intentionally or unintentionally deceive.

Do serial daters ever turn into responsible adults?

Many people eventually get tired of dating a new person every few months. They realize that a life ruled by emotions doesn’t fulfill them and give them stability, so they allow their thoughts to change their needs and relationship expectations.

A player doesn’t have to stay a player forever. At some point, most players look back and see that they have nothing to show for. Yes, they had been in many relationships but that’s not something to brag about. Quality relationships determine how happy they are whereas the number of relationships only reminds them of their short-term failures and mistakes.

So until a person discerns that superficial relationships are a waste of time and that they provide no sense of security, he or she is likely to seek them and defend them. Such a person will avoid working on issues that badly need to be resolved and might even blame others for expecting too much too soon.

It’s easier to blame others for mistakes and decisions than it is to take full accountability.

All in all, whether a serial dater matures and wants a normal relationship depends on peer/societal pressure and the self-reflection he or she engages in. If a person learns that short-term relationships hurt people, prevent personal growth, and increase stagnation and uncertainty, that person may be able to address personal issues and change the way he or she perceives relationships.

But if a person is too closed-minded to see what kind of relationship he or she could have, lacks mentor figures, and doesn’t feel positively influenced by society, then he or she might never see the need to outgrow his or her current self.

Some serial daters waste their youths and miss the chance to break their unhealthy patterns and reflect on their mistakes, goals, and purpose in life.

Do serial daters come back?

Serial daters occasionally come back. They date other people, fail with them, and return to the people they dated. By doing so, they avoid staying single and unfulfilled.

The problem though is that they don’t stay with their exes. Their exes can’t give them what they’re looking for because they don’t even know what they want. All they know is that they want to keep moving forward and going through new infatuation phases.

New people excite them whereas exes overwhelm them with expectations, needs, and wants.

So even though serial daters come back from time to time, I wouldn’t hold my breath and expect them to realize what they did wrong anytime soon. Fixing issues of this size takes months and months of reflection and hard work. Don’t think they’ll suddenly transform into the people they should have been all along.

It’s unlikely that you’ll be the person they want to change for and settle down with.

Although some serial daters are depressed and come back because of pain, they need to address their issues before they can develop feelings and techniques to maintain a romantic relationship. If they come back before they work on themselves, chances are they’ll leave once they feel validated by you.

They won’t see a reason to stay with you.

Are serial daters narcissists?

Serial daters do what they do out of fear and the desire for pleasure. They are extremely selfish people who due to their own issues cause other people issues. They don’t realize and/or care they’re ruining other people’s lives because they always put themselves first.

Many times, they inherit narcissism or narcissistic traits from their parents and handle their relationships the way their parents did. Since their parents are their idols, they think they’re doing great and feel that they’re right and better than others.

They have high expectations of others and are intolerant of them, so they expect the world to adapt to them rather than them to the world.

Not every serial dater is a narcissist, of course, but many people are. Their ego is starved for validation and craves lots of short-term gratification.

Narcissists want to feel important without making their partner feel the same. Their opinion and feelings are extremely important to them, hence why it’s always their way or the highway. They also lack the emotional maturity, communication skills, and willpower required to give other people power and resolve differences by lowering their ego and pride.

So are serial daters a narcissist? Some are—but honestly, it doesn’t even matter. They don’t see or care that they’re hurting people because of their selfish needs and unresolved issues.

I hope you’ve broadened your horizons about serial dater psychology. Let me know if you have any comments or questions below. I’ll reply to you shortly.

However, if you want to get in touch with me directly and wish to go into detail about your relationship or breakup, sign up for 1-on-1 coaching with me.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.