If you got back with your ex but she’s distant, cold, unreceptive, indecisive, or rude, I have to be honest with you and tell you that you got back with a person who hasn’t improved her perceptions of you. She still thinks of you the way she did when she broke up with you and is most likely going to keep thinking of you that way.
She’s unlikely to change the way she sees you and acts toward you as her distant behavior is deeply implanted. It’s ingrained in her mind because she associates negative feelings with you and subconsciously believes that being around you is limiting her freedom and happiness.
In other words, she feels smothered, irritated, and disrespected when she’s with you, so she raises her guard and shuts down emotionally. This is her means of protecting herself from your presence, behavior, and expectations because these things force her to think, feel, and act the way you want her to act.
Had she let go of all the negative thoughts and associations while you were broken up, she wouldn’t feel that she’s forced to invest in you and the relationship. She’d feel that the relationship is a blessing and that she needs to put in the effort because doing so is good for the relationship and both parties involved.
An emotional investment would allow her to grow the bond and feel secure with you.
But unfortunately, security is not her biggest concern right now. The fact that she’s distant shows she has no fear of losing you. She’s most likely thinking about leaving you again because she can’t fulfill your emotional needs and expectations and make herself happy.
She feels that you’re not on the same emotional level or perhaps even that you’re too different to give each other what you need to feel loved. And that’s not good.
You have to understand that a girlfriend who’s distant (especially for no reason – no arguments or personal issues) is not very committed to the relationship. She’s probably uncommitted because distant behavior indicates a lack of interest and romantic feelings (love), which means it’s only a matter of time before she loses patience, stops feeling guilty, and leaves for good.
In your case, your girlfriend has already left once. She stopped valuing you, so leaving again is not very difficult for her. It’s actually quite easy because she reconnected with you before she improved the things that bothered her about you. I’m talking about the negative feelings she associated with you.
It’s unfortunate, but your relationship is most likely not going to work out this time either. It’s going to struggle with similar issues and slowly reach a point where staying together is no longer enjoyable and feasible. The relationship is likely going to feel like a chore (at least to your girlfriend) until she loses hope for the relationship and walks away again.
That’s when you’re going to get hurt again and wonder where you went wrong.
The reason I’m being so frank about this difficult situation is so you can understand just how dangerous distant behavior in a relationship is. You can’t make someone love you and respect you when all she wants is to hold on to the past and ignore the problems. All you can do is respect yourself and hope that she sees you value yourself so much that you won’t ask for things that she’s not capable of giving or doing for you.
Today’s article is for men who got back with their ex, but their ex is distant.
I got back with my ex but she is distant
Look, if your girlfriend is cold for an hour or two and has some kind of reason for acting that way, you probably have nothing to worry about. She could be busy with work, school, friends, or something urgent and feels pressured into doing something you want her to do (even if you just want her to talk to you).
Needless to say, she shouldn’t be distant because it’s not healthy for the relationship, but she is anyway. Perhaps this is something you can work on together. When she’s back to her regular self, tell her you noticed her distant behavior and that you’d like to know why she acted that way. Say that you just want to make sure you’re on the same page and that she gets what she needs from you.
The thing you should be more concerned about is if she’s got loads of time on her hands and is distant for a long period of time. That would imply that she’s doubting the relationship and that it’s only a matter of time before doubts destroy her commitment and the desire to continue the relationship.
I said this many times in other blogs, but doubts are one of the worst relationship killers a couple can experience. Doubts are like a virus. If you don’t have the tools to detect it and kill it, it multiplies and spreads until it affects the most critical part of the system and shuts it down.
Doubts kill the love and trust the relationship needs to function, so always communicate your doubts, fears, worries, and stressors. I know it’s a cliché, but communication is everything in a romantic relationship.
If you and your girlfriend can express difficult emotions and perceptions before they get out of control and lead to resentments, you can save the relationship any and every time.
You can grow with time rather than stagnate, neglect, and take each other for granted. But to do that, you must develop self-awareness and an iron will to express gratitude, stay committed, and avoid temptations.
So if you got back with your ex and she’s distant, take her behavior very seriously. Keep in mind that your girlfriend’s cold behavior is a red flag and that you should not invest more time and energy until she does. Your emotions probably tell you to go above and beyond for her, but you should not do that because she neglected her part of the relationship and doesn’t deserve nor want you to do more for her.
If you try to fix her issues for her, you’re going to make her neglect the relationship even more. Heck, you’ll probably annoy her and give her another reason to pull away and feel uncomfortable.
So instead of asking for more attention, leave her alone so that you can take some pressure off her and allow her to relax and feel more attracted to you.
It’s not a guarantee that she’ll stay, but it’s the best chance you’ve got. Any pleading, questioning, accusing, and guilt-tripping is only going to make her even more distant and less willing to work on her issues individually and with you.
With that said, here are some things you need to know if you got back with your ex but she’s distant.
Why do exes act distant after coming back?
Exes who come back act distant for various reasons. The most common reason is the one we’ve already mentioned – negative perceptions of the person they dumped. They don’t take the time to resolve these perceptions, so they carry them over to the new relationship.
Instead of working on themselves, they rush back to their ex (often for the wrong reasons) and continue from where they left off. This is why they fail to reflect on their shortcomings/develop gratitude and as a result, feel the way they felt the last time they encountered issues.
Only next time, they’re already emotionally drained, have much less patience, and are prone to giving up at the first sign of trouble. The breakup makes it very easy for the dumper to leave again because she already left once. She doesn’t have to resist her doubts anymore and can just leave and enjoy her space and quiet.
Doing so would bring her pleasure whereas fighting for the relationship (for something that makes her feel unpleasant emotions) would go against her thoughts and feelings and make her very unhappy. So unhappy that she might become miserable and resentful.
Another reason exes return and act distant is that they don’t fully commit to the relationship. They’re still doubtful, afraid of getting hurt, in full control of the reconciliation, or bored, so they come back to see if things will change and improve.
Unfortunately, things don’t always improve. Especially not when the dumper is demotivated and returns just to see if the relationship will be any different.
Such relationships, of course, can’t grow. They remain the way they were last time and go through the same issues.
For couples to have a chance to stay together, they need to love each other like they never got hurt and raise their relationship standards.
If they tolerated lies, poor communication, and unhealthy behavior, they need to promise not to repeat the same mistakes. This is of utmost importance so that their relationship has limits as to how bad disagreements can get.
In my opinion, all couples should have these limits. They should discuss them early on so they know what boundaries not to cross. The best time to discuss them is during the get-to-know-each-other phase and right after getting back together.
But they should also continuously talk about them after arguments and disagreements.
Of course, cold and distant behavior could also have something to do with your behavior. If you’re doing something your girlfriend asked you to do or not to do numerous times and you still haven’t listened to her, she’s probably gotten fed up with you and doesn’t know what else to do to make you care.
She may be pulling away from you on purpose to hurt you and open your eyes, but it’s much more likely that she’s doing it to protect herself. Whatever the case may be, show her that you care about her and do what she’s asking for. Do it before it’s too late.
However, if you’re not giving her enough attention and she’s always asking you for it, then this is your time to apologize for being negligent and start giving her more attention and affection. Don’t go from 0 to 100 right away because that could throw her off.
Tell her you finally understand how she feels and that you’re going to be more aware of her feelings from now on. If she hasn’t become bitter yet, you may still have a chance to restore the connection.
Romantic partners also sometimes become distant when their loved ones die. They’re in shock and pain, so they find it hard to invest in the relationship and fulfill their partner’s expectations when all they can do is grieve.
If you see your girlfriend pull away after losing a person close to her, you need to support her selflessly without asking for much in return. Be there for her when she wants you to be there and give her space when she doesn’t. You’ll be alright as long as you don’t argue with her and complain that she’s not giving you enough attention.
Finally, the last reason your girlfriend could be distant is that she’s spending lots of time with other people. She could be getting pursued by other men and feeling confused, and not sure who she likes more. If this is the case, you probably shouldn’t stay in a relationship with her.
You should break up with her because if you don’t, she’s eventually going to succumb to temptations and leave you for someone else. I can say this with confidence because when someone is tempted to cheat, temptations grow with time.
Very few people step on the breaks after they’ve already developed feelings and started feeling confused.
What if I dumped her and she’s distant?
If you were the dumper and she’s being distant all of a sudden, there could be a few explanations for her behavior.
For starters, your girlfriend might be trying to protect herself from the pain the breakup has caused her. She might still be recovering from the shock and anxiety you inflicted on her and is now having a difficult time relaxing and trusting you fully.
If that’s what’s happening, she’ll have to learn to trust you again. And the best way she’ll be able to do that is if you tell her you’ve noticed she’s been a bit distant recently. Once she tells you she has trouble trusting you, don’t take it personally.
Instead of getting defensive, reassure her that the reason you left her is gone and that you’re not going to make the same mistake again.
This should calm your girlfriend down a bit, but not necessarily enough to trust you yet. Trust takes months to build. So reassure her frequently and encourage her to be more vulnerable around you.
She needs to lower her guard because if she doesn’t, she’ll struggle to feel love towards you and will likely detach.
It’s not just dumpers who leave again after coming back. Sometimes dumpees switch the tables on their dumper and become dumpers themselves.
They want to be in control of a situation they previously didn’t have any control over, prevent themselves from becoming vulnerable around their partner, and leave when they convince themselves they deserve better.
So no matter who you date, always give it your best. Once trust is broken, it’s hard to repair it.
Did you get back with your ex and she’s distant? What’s she like? Post your comment below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
did you ever get back with this person?
Reading this article made me think about my relationship.
My ex got loads of time on his hands, and he was distant for an extended period. And I see that he doubted the relationship, and he just destroyed everything
I agree with you, Zan. Once trust is broken, it’s hard to repair it.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Hi Linda.
Your ex would have to work really hard to earn your trust back – even if 5 years had gone by.
Best regards,
Zan
oh and to add to this story when he met up with me in January to apologize for ghosting me in November. He asked me at dinner so was Santa good to you this year? How was your Christmas? Did you get any gifts. I looked him dead in the eyes and said it was you wasn’t it? and it was, he was the anonymous gift giver that Christmas eve last year. I told him ok well thank you for the gift but a $50 gift card for food at a grocery store? How is that romantic Jake? Anyone could have given me that. If you’re thinking of me and you want to send me a gesture or action or message that you miss me and care a grocery store gift card doesn’t cut it. That doesn’t come from the heart. He had said then look ok I get it i’m really bad at those kind of things but I knew you were alone Christmas Eve and I wanted you to have something for Christmas.
This is exactly what I am going through right now. I commented on a few previous posts of Zan. I told my story of my on again off again boyfriend who ghosted me once more on thanksgiving eve. He did me so dirty that day and disappeared only to text me how my holiday was in mid December when I begged and pleaded to speak with him in person as he had already started ghosting me in November and blew up our 2nd attempt at a reconciliation he blew up the 2 months we had together by leaving me on read and going silent.
This will build up to him coming back and being distant. He had the audacity to text me in December like I said how was my Thanksgiving? I after some time replied with a low energy simple answer My Thanksgiving was great thank you. He eventually texted me and said “I’ve been traveling so much i’m so exhausted. (I rolled my eyes reading that at that point I so DGAF and still don’t) I wanted you to know that it wouldn’t be the last you’d see of me” after reading that text I eventually replied back again and said “ok thanks”
Christmas Eve I get a hurried knock on my door and I hear foot steps running from my front door. I open the door in the darkness and find a gift bag with gift card for $50 for a grocery store and a box of chocolates, that tag said to Taylor (name changed) from Santa. I asked all my friends if they gave me this gift and they all said no. I surmised it must have been my ex and moved on.
New years eve i’m out of town on a date in someone else’s arms. I get my New Year’s kiss and we spent the weekend together. It felt so good to be with someone who returned love and affection and just spending time with someone new and none of the the baggage that came with this ex I am talking about who keeps coming in and out of my life.
I’m driving back home to my city after the weekend and I get a text. It’s my ex the one who had ghosted me once again last year left me alone while I had to deal with being broken up yet again and this time around I had no one to tell because he asked that he kept our 2 month reconciliation private or between ourselves. He texted happy new year, I was so disgusted reading that text I didn’t respond for 2 days and simply texted back “Happy New Year”
I’m about to enter Mid January. With the help of Zan’s blogs, time, perspective, and my indefinite no contact making sure that he would never see me around as I chose to withdraw from the “scene” so that I wasn’t seen, using my silence and absence as a weapon as well as a tool for my recovery. I was feeling good moving on I made plans to ultimately move out of my home city. I realized it was time to move on from my current city.
I get a text one Sunday evening it’s him my ex he simply asks “How are you Taylor?” still disgusted reading his text I took awhile to respond and simply “i’m doing great thanks” He replies back “look I get it, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either” I replied back “well thank you for reading the room” he had said “I get it, sometimes I can’t even stand myself” I let a day go by and curious I ask him “still feeling down?” he had said “i’m ok, hey would you ever see me again, i understand if you don’t and I would respect that” With the help of Zan’s teaching, I replied back “I can meet you but Jake (name changed) I won’t tolerate your past actions and behaviors” He replied back I understand can we meet tonight.
So I did met him out that night and we had drinks and he apologized for his actions but even then his response to why he acted the way he did was so weak I can’t even put it into words here, he’s very good at avoiding direct answers or answering in a way that I can’t hold him to his statements. Something like “i just thought it was better not to say anything than to say something at all”
We start hanging out again but i’m guarded he’s very welcome opening friendly affection giving me everything I wanted again, he sleeps over, we start having sex again. In conversation he tells me he’s going out of town for the week I ask where and he told me and said by himself unfortunately to Mexico because his friends flaked. I casually looked up tickets and said I actually good go with you if you like and he jumped on it and we both went on vacation for a week in Mexico. We both work remote. So we would work during the day and enjoy our trip once we logged off.
We had an incredible time spending 24/7 together. We went out to eat, sight seeing, spent time together, had a lot of sex, went out at night. Pretty much enjoyed the vacation city we were staying in. He gave me almost everything I wanted as a boyfriend that week, because he couldn’t escape me. But he never talked about the future he never talked about moving things forward or calling us boyfriends again. He was present and that’s it. We were asked several times during the trip “oh what a cute couple are you boyfriends?” and I would say “I don’t know ask him” and he would always laugh and never respond to that person’s question.
We get back to home to the states and I tell him I’m so happy he’s in my life again and thank you for such a wonderful time. I eventually present him with a list of demands. I pointed out everything that went wrong the last time we reconciled and I told him if I see the same actions happen action i’ll identify it and I won’t tolerate it happening again. He got the mesage but never really acknowledged like this was something he was going to actively do.
And so its already February and he’s back in my life again. We don’t live together but live fairly close. We resumed our dinner dates at home, we went out occasionally but once again to places where no one would see us. I put my foot down one evening and I said look one of the things I stated was you somehow have to make me part of your life and he struggled that friday night after a few drinks and said ok come join me and my friends. His friends were shocked to see me walking up. We went together that evening as a couple. It went decently I thanked him the next day for making this change.
More weeks go by and he’s doing the distant thing again. He’ll text me at least once during the day and I won’t hear from him at all until the next morning. He’s closed himself off to me and would only reach out when he wanted to. I once again felt trapped starving for love and affection. I promptly scheduled a get together another dinner date at home where we spend make dinner watch show or movie have sex and go to bed. Halfway through the evening I stopped everything we were doing and told him look the same patterns are happening again. I feel like you’re closing yourself off to me. It’s not enough I need to know how you’re doing, I need a connection, when two people are dating they form a bond by communicating. Tell me your day, tell me what’s on your mind. I made sure to use the word I and not YOU. I am looking for this I am work well with that, I respond to that. He acknowledged what I said and actually made some improvements communicating daily. i was impressed. But still this entire time no talk of the future, no advancing forward sure it had been barely a month since we been together but I loved him (I pretty much have no more energy to love someone that doesn’t want to love me back) and was so ready to label us boyfriends and start a life together.
Valentine’s day came we had dinner, I made a grand gesture and surprised him with the keys to my apartment and proposed we moved in together. He was touched by the gesture but ultimately after he thought about it and making him respond to it a week later (he tried to brush the subject under the rug) he eventually responded and told me it’s too soon to do that and he doesn’t want to move in together and so shot down my proposal. I even made a microsoft word bullet point list or the procs and cons of living together. At that point in time I had the thinking, if he’s that consumed by work and his social life the way I will fit is if we live together and it will start to make sense and we’ll be a part of each other’s life but no he didn’t want it. And so here I am back again right where he wants me at the same groove. A situationship going nowhere.
We had only been getting together 2 times a week 3 at the most. His weekends were a battle every weekend that went by he pushed me aside for his friends and social life. I was never included I actively tried to make plans with him on a sunday and he came up with an excuse the day of and disappeared on me after I called him out via text. I sent a long text telling him how disappointed I am and all the things that are starting to go wrong.
The weekend ends its monday he checks in good morning as if everything is ok and I think is it ok? he then later in the day asks me via text “I have a question for you are you happy? and if you aren’t happy why are you continuing with this?” I replied back telling him in great detail how unhappy I am with this whole situation how nothing is progressing, how I feel i have less priority than his friends and social life and that all i’m good for is sex and dinner dates at home. I tell him i’m looking for something more I want a partner in life and I want with you, you make me happy when you’re present but this what we’re doing this situationship doesn’t make me happy.
He had said thank you for your response. I did some thinking and came to the conclusion it’s time to break up with him. I realized he’s never going to change, it’s always going to be like this. This weird situationship where we get together spend some time together and it never goes to the next level. I send him the dreaded “we need to talk” text and he obliges. I made up my mind to break up with him.
We meet out for pizza. And we sit down small talk and then I laid it all out. I told him i’m unhappy my needs aren’t being met, i don’t feel value, I feel like the entire time we’ve been going out again I’ve been doing all the work to form some kind of relationship with youand you’re not doing your part and because of this I don’t think we should see each other anymore. He conceded he told me look Taylor I am just not there for dating or dates, i’m selfish i’m sorry, i want to do what I want when I want where I want. i’m a selfish guy. I said I see that now but you know what you’re going to meet someone who you will make time for, who you will adjust your life for, who you will include in your life who you’re going to want all the time unfortunately it isn’t me, I came close but it isn’t me and so I’m gonna move on Jake. And then after showing that card he then goes but I still want to see you somehow can we at least do that? This whole time we spoke I exuded confidence, respect and dignity for myself. I wasn’t crying that it wasn’t working out, I wasn’t beside myself that yet again we were doomed to fail. I was the emotionally intelligent person telling him this isn’t working and i’m out of here.
But I conceded to his proposal yet again, I said look you are my kryptonite I do care about you but this is how it’s gonna be. If you text me I’ll text back, if you call me i’ll answer, you invite me to something i’ll probably go but i’m not reaching out anymore i’m not doing anymore work Jake, I can’t exist in this bizarre situationship bubble with you. I asked him why, wh? did you come back if you didn’t want to do this Jake? why did you come yet again? (the power of indefinite no contact at work) he said I wanted you to know I wasn’t a bad person. But he was and still can’t commit to being my boyfriend and i’m tired I can’t do this with this guy anymore.
We finish the pizza and beer and said you want to get more drinks? and we did talked some more i reiterated several times it’s over he got the message but I spent the night with him. The next day I’m working as usual and he asks me if I want to come over for dinner, I said yes and I came over this time around I was the distant one, I didn’t give out love and affection he sat with me and held me a little. it was getting late and I got up said i’m heading back home to bed he kissed me good bye and reminded me if I could still take him to the airport on Saturday because he was going out of town again to be with his friends for the week in mexico. I said of course I can still take you.
I took him to the airport that saturday morning we made small talk. I’m the distant one still like I said. we get to the airport, He kisses me on the lips as he gets out of the car and I tell him have a great time. I go back home thinking that’s it i’ll never hear from him again and I make my plans for my future my narrative where at least I have control of what i’m doing with my life without him in it.
But then get this. He continues to text me while he’s down there asking me how i’m how things are going, he then calls me drunk and tells me i want you know I miss you, i really do baby. I fell apart and took the bait and said aw well i mean I miss you too. He never once called me baby or said he missed the 2nd and 3rd time we got back together that was the first moment of true verbal affection a love language expression he had done besides cuddling and sex.
As I write this he’s still in Mexico and I continue to be distant, He texts me good morning checking in with me makes small talk i reply back. I don’t understand what he wants in regards to me. I broke up with him. I told him I can’t be with someone who’s distant, who can’t make a change in their life to be with me, who can’t plan a future with me I told him all these things and yet he still communicates with me.
I’m curious what’s going to happen when he returns. because I am done, I am done making any effort to be in his life. I want him to see a different side of me the No Contact silent side once again, I gave him so much love and I just don’t have it in me anymore. So that’s my story for now. I got back with my ex, I told him how I wanted things to change this 3rd time around, he barely made any changes. I drew a line and said this isn’t working for me we can’t see each other anymore and yet here we are still communicating.
I know that when he gets back from Mexico I’m going to continue with my life with no regard to his. I’m not hurting anymore, i’m no longer depressed or sad or anxious or have the break up blues anymore. I’ve moved past that I see him for what he is now. What I don’t know is what’s going to happen next from him. I mean it’s like why are you texting me good morning every day when I said I can’t do this anymore with you? A part of me still loves him, wants to be with him, but the way he went about yet again suffocating my feelings my love for him he actually killed a part of that inside me. I feel good I feel resolved. I just don’t know what’s going to happen when he returns back home.