We Broke Up But Still Talk Every Day

Sometimes couples break up but still talk every day. They pretend as if they’re happy to downgrade from romance to friendship and act like they want the same thing from each other (friendship).

They don’t understand that the only person who wants friendship is the dumper. The other person (the dumpee) merely agrees to it or sometimes asks for it out of pain and desperation. The dumpee thinks it will be easier to make a good impression and reconcile if he or she gets a chance to show changes and improvements.

The problem is that as long as the breakup is one-sided (initiated by one person), talking daily is extremely problematic. Not only does it give hope to the broken-hearted person, but it also prolongs healing and stops personal growth.

The dumpee could spend valuable post-breakup time healing and learning how to be a better person, but instead, he or she is dragged into friendship and forced to talk to an ex who gives the impression that the breakup happened for no reason and that they could get back together.

You see, daily conversations between dumpees and dumpers just don’t encourage ex-couples to look within themselves and make necessary changes. Post-breakup conversations keep dumpees hungry for love and recognition and enable dumpers to obtain relationship benefits without committing to the dumpee.

This means that staying friends after the breakup is sometimes useful to the dumper as he or she gets to alleviate guilt and keep the dumpee in his or her life at least to some degree. It’s not that helpful to the dumpee, however, because the dumpee clings to hope and thinks the dumper is slowly becoming receptive—and on his or her way back into the relationship.

Occasionally dumpees initiate conversations of their own accord after the breakup, but such dumpees tend to smother the dumper and witness hot and cold behavior from their ex. They see their ex give them hope and take it away, which further confuses them, increases their obsession with their ex, and makes them even more desperate for their ex’s validation.

So if you and your ex broke up but still talk every day, keep in mind that talking after the breakup isn’t a good idea. Despite some ex-couples sometimes getting back together as friends, the chances of that happening are small.

It’s much more likely that you two will continue to deprive each other of detachment and happiness and fail to grow in ways that the breakup demands you to grow.

This post is for ex-couples who broke up but still talk every day.

We broke up but still talk every day

If you two broke up but still talk every day, there’s a big chance you’re not playing by the rules. Instead of giving each other what you desperately need to recover from the breakup, you’re acting on your negative emotions. Emotions that make you feel like talking to your ex every day is the right thing to do.

If you’re a dumper, you’re probably reaching out to your ex because of:

• guilt
• worries
• doubts
• familiarity
• wanting to remain friends

And if you’re a dumpee, you’re probably acting on:

• separation anxiety
• fears of being abandoned, forgotten, replaced
• shattered self-esteem and a need for validation
• nostalgia
• regrets
• wishes to rely on your ex for help

Both dumpees and dumpers have their emotional reasons for talking to each other. Those reasons vary for each person, but usually, they’ve got something to do with not wanting to let the other person go and wanting the best for themselves.

Dumpees normally keep talking to their exes because doing so keeps them from succumbing to anxiety whereas dumpers talk to their exes because they’re close to them and feel comfortable talking to them as a friend. They don’t want to lose someone they get along with but aren’t in love with.

If you and your ex broke up, the very first thing you must do is figure out why you don’t give your ex space. Is it because you’re brokenhearted and lack the emotional strength to pull away? Is it because you’re used to speaking to your ex and don’t want to let go of your ex and everything you’ve accomplished together?

Or do you perhaps need to speak to your ex because you have children and live in the same house?

When you find your reasons for speaking to your ex so frequently, you then need to figure out whether speaking to your ex is necessary and in the best interest of you, your ex, both, or someone else. If it is, you can continue speaking with your ex as it’s important that you do.

Just make sure you’re truly helping people (including yourself) rather than making things worse.

Try to keep personal topics out of the conversation and talk to your ex only about things or people that can’t wait.

Some of the things that typically can’t wait are:

• mortgage
• kids
• keys to the house/car
• pets
• subscription services
• joint bank accounts
• rent
• (expensive) personal belongings
• divorce
• and anything that requires cooperation

Preferably, you want to have important conversations with your ex right after the breakup. You shouldn’t put them off for weeks and later try to use them to get closer to your ex. These things won’t bring you any closer to your ex.

Especially not if your ex craves space and wants to distance himself or herself from you as soon as possible.

Always remember that dumpees and dumpers have different emotional needs. Dumpers tend to dislike highly emotional conversations that hint at getting back together. They want to avoid conversations that remind them of the past because they broke up to avoid such reminders.

All dumpers want is for their ex to respect their decision and give them enough space and time.

Dumpees, on the other hand, tend not to want space. They need space, but their broken hearts tell them to get closer to their ex anyway. They feel that they’re not close enough and that talking to their ex would somehow make their ex fall back in love with them.

This is, of course, not true because dumpers don’t come back because of friendship alone. If anything, friendship destroys their remaining romantic feelings and sense of urgency. Dumpers come back because they date others and fail with them.

It’s through painful failure that they realize they took their ex for granted and that they should give their ex another go. Of course, they can also come back for other reasons, but romantic disappointment is the most common one.

So although friendship sometimes helps dumpers come back, this isn’t because their ex remained their friend after the breakup. It’s because their ex was the last person they had a good connection with and because they don’t have any better people to run back to in their time of need.

Their ex became their backup plan a long time ago – throughout the relationship—and not after the breakup during friendship. That’s something dumpees tend not to understand.

With that being said, this is why you still talk to your ex every day.

What does it mean if you talk every day?

If you’re reading this post, you’re probably a dumpee because dumpees tend to search for breakup articles way more than dumpers. They’re in pain, so they have a good emotional incentive to learn what it means when their ex still talks to them every day.

They think they’re looking for explanations when in reality, they’re looking for some kind of hope-instilling message that will tell them their ex still has feelings for them but is afraid of sharing them and returning to the same kind of relationship.

Before you think your ex is afraid about getting back with you, you need to know that your ex isn’t afraid of what the relationship with you would look like if it were given another chance.

If your ex was afraid, that’d be a good thing because it’d prove your ex is thinking about getting back with you. Relationship thoughts would likely increase your ex’s cravings for you and speed up the reconciliation process.

The reason why your ex is taking his or her sweet time is that your ex isn’t thinking about friendship the way you are. While you think that friendship will bring you closer to your ex, your ex thinks that talking to you nurtures the new friendship and makes it possible to remain cordial.

Talking every day, therefore, isn’t a sign that your friendship will soon develop into something more. It’s merely a sign that your ex has no hard feelings for you and that he or she wants to see if you can talk and hang out by keeping your expectations to a minimum (on a friendship level).

What you do with your ex’s wish to stay friends is up to you. But if you’re hurting and aren’t as ready for friendship, I encourage you not to speak to your ex for a while. Simply say you need more time to yourself to process the breakup and that you’ll reach out if you change your mind about staying in touch.

Don’t say things like, “I want a relationship or nothing” because that will show you’re hurt and still want your ex very badly. Just say that you think it’s best not to talk for a while and that you’d like to focus on yourself.

Provided your ex is mature and knows you need space to heal, your ex will understand. He or she will let you go so you can disassociate from your ex, regain your identity, and rebuild yourself.

Only an immature ex will guilt-trip you, get angry with you, and accuse you of not being fair.

We broke up but still act like a couple

If you broke up but still act like a couple, this is because not enough time has passed since the breakup. You’re still used to being around each other and talking to each other like a normal couple. It’s hard to say where you stand with your ex, but I strongly suggest not to assume you’re back together just yet.

If your ex didn’t put the label back on the relationship and talk about relationship plans and the things that need to improve, you likely aren’t a couple at the moment. You’re an ex-couple that acts like a couple so you can take what you can from each other.

This implies that your ex wants relationship benefits such as sex, validation, and companionship without committing to the relationship and giving you what you need to feel secure, loved, and appreciated.

Although your ex can fall back in love and get back with you, know that the odds are overwhelming that your ex will merely resume the relationship from where it left off. Your ex won’t necessarily fix the issues that initiated the breakup and make sure you don’t break up again.

From what I see, quite a few couples get back together this way. They reconcile without addressing the issues that broke them up. That’s why most of them break up again. Nothing significant changes, so, of course, they lose feelings and find themselves in the same situation.

For couples who get back together to break up again, they have to:

• improve relationship skills
• improve perceptions of each other
• let go of anger, resentments, and other negative emotions
• grow their emotional strength
• develop an iron will
• develop sympathy, empathy, open-mindedness, understanding
• express gratitude
• and much much more

They have to outgrow their old selves and see that they both contributed to the breakup. That’s how they can restore the power in the relationship and invest in the relationship with complete sincerity and commitment.

If you merely act like a couple but don’t do anything about it, don’t celebrate too early. Try to first figure out what you two are (a couple, friends, FWBS?) so you can then decide what the best thing to do is.

If you’re not a couple and you’re just hanging out for the sake of staying in each other lives, you may want to tell your ex you’re not ready for that and that you want to focus on yourself. But if you’re back together, then discuss what needs to change for the relationship to work out this time. Express yourself openly and wait for your partner to do the same.

If he or she does, you may be able to save the relationship and be better equipped to deal with issues that you’ve encountered and will encounter in the future.

Conclusion

If you broke up but talk every day, you only have two options to choose from.

You can:

1. Remain friends and see how things play out (not recommended).
2. Or take control of your life, ask for space, keep your dignity, and continue to detach.

If you opt for the second option, you’ll have a much bigger chance of getting yourself back and reattracting your ex back. This is because you’ll show your ex that you’re an all-in or all-out kind of person who knows when it’s time for friendship and time for healing.

Remember that attraction evolves from self-respect. If you don’t respect yourself, your ex won’t respect you either. He or she will see that you’re fine with staying friends even though that’s not something you want and deserve.

So if you broke up but still talk every day or almost every day, consider taking my advice and don’t settle for friendship. Friendship will interfere with your recovery rather than bring your ex back and make you feel loved and respected.

Listen to all the people who have gone indefinite no contact because they’ve earned that distancing themselves from their ex was hard but also the best thing they’ve ever done. Not only did time away from their ex help them make a full recovery, but it also enabled some dumpees to see that their ex wasn’t as great as they’d thought.

I hope you enjoyed reading this article. If you have any questions or stories to share with us, post them below the article. We’re eager to hear from you.

And if you’d like to sign up for breakup coaching, visit our coaching page to learn more about it.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.