Breaking no contact is dangerous. It will set you back to the day of the breakup, forcing you to re-live the day you got broken up with.
Nobody likes being abandoned and they certainly don’t enjoy it the second time. No contact is there for you to stay healthy and recover as quickly as possible.
There is no quicker way to feel better and stop obsessive thinking than to go NC right after the breakup.
Read Axel’s story on how it feels to be in no contact to find out what you can expect while you’re on your path to recovery.
By breaking no contact with your ex, you can experience the following symptoms:
- significantly increased heart rate
- sweating profusely
- spikes in blood pressure
- panic attacks
- trembling uncontrollably
- temporary loss of awareness and short-term memory
When you reach out to your ex prematurely, you will do so with unreasonably high expectations. If he or she replies, you are going to overanalyze your ex’s sentences, words, and syllables—down to every letter and punctuation.
There is a big difference between the caller and the callee. When you call your ex, you expect something to happen.
You are trying to sell this person something and expect him or her to act in the way you want him or her to act.
This puts you in a very weak position.
If you call or text your ex, you do it for the wrong reasons—to gain something. Consequently, your ex will receive your message, recognize you’re trying to sell her something she doesn’t want to buy and (if you’re lucky) politely decline your offer.
Because you are in a vulnerable position, rejection is not something you will handle easily. Just because you feel semi-detached, doesn’t mean you won’t experience heartbreak all over again.
Stopping no contact
As I often advocate, stopping no contact is not something that should ever be done. You must prioritize your well-being and move on. Whether you want to get back with your ex or move on, follow the NC indefinitely until your ex reaches out to you first.
Once your ex contacts you for any insignificant reason is when you are safe to assume you won’t do too much damage—provided you don’t push your luck.
Heartbroken dumpees often start with the 30-day no contact rule just to soon find out it’s not enough to get back with their exes.
Because many breakup experts advocate following this restriction, dumpees reach out after 30 days, get rejected again and experience melancholia.
After that, they will start looking for long-term remedies and come across the indefinite no contact rule and normally agree with most things.
The 30-day no contact rule
After extensively researching the “30 days to get your ex-back rule” I can confidently proclaim that it’s just a myth— an elaborate hoax to scam people.
Online con artists use it to boost their ROI (return on investment) as it takes little time for maximum profit. Not only do they make money by providing false information, but they also play with people’s emotions by having them reach out to their exes.
It’s the worst advice anyone can give you because you end up killing your self-esteem and future chances of reconciliation.
This pretentious 30-day remedy is not based on any psychological theory. It’s a plan devised by the cunning “experts” that will guarantee your ex coming back to you.
It’s not in my nature to put others down to make myself look better. I do, however, wish to expose the fraudsters selling you magic beans. I know there are many of them on the internet, and unfortunately, most of them are quite big.
You can find out more about my personal best and worst breakup experts on the blog.
Don’t let yourself be deceived. If your ex broke up with you, he or she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
There’s nothing you can say and do that will make this person want you more. It’s not about you, it’s about what’s going on in your ex’s mind.
Client examples on breaking no contact
Below are some examples I’ve gathered from my clients on what breaking the no contact feels like. Thank you for permitting me to share your no contact-breaking experiences.
“When I messaged him he was cold and rude and it hurt me. I wish I didn’t talk to him at all because he just bragged about his happiness”-A.
“I don’t understand how she went from kind and loving to someone I don’t recognize. She doesn’t care about me at all. I’m experiencing the breakup all over again” -T.
“I called her the next day and she picked up. She gave the phone to her new boyfriend. He told me to stop calling and they both laughed hysterically. I can’t believe she would sink that low. I’m shocked and can’t stop crying.” -M.
“I felt very sad so I reached out to my ex on the 18th. I wanted him to understand what I was going through and that I needed him in my life. We talked for a while and I couldn’t stop crying. I said I loved him and begged him to come back. I even tried to flirt with him. He said he can’t do that with me anymore because we are not in a relationship anymore. He seemed very distant and said he needs space from me.” When I asked if we could at least be friends he said he can’t because he’s been seeing another girl. I got panic attacks and had trouble breathing after that. I wish he would understand how he ruined me. Since then I started seeing a therapist and blocked him everywhere. I feel myself getting better every day. -H
“When my friend told me she started dating her classmate I checked her Facebook and saw pictures of them holding hands and kissing. My heart stopped and I thought I was going to die” -B.
“He told me he’s seeing the girl from work and that he likes her. They are going on vacation together next week with her kid. He also said he wants to be friends with me so we can keep each other posted. I feel so betrayed. How can he do that to me?” -S
“I saw her out in a club dancing with a random guy. That made me angry so I confronted her about it. She told me it’s not my business who she’s with. She asked me if I’m stalking her to which I replied with no and said I was clubbing with friends. Then she told me to leave her alone, so I went back to my friends. It completely ruined my night. The next morning she messaged me angrily saying how she hates me for embarrassing her in front of the guy. Later she told my friends a bunch of lies about me and tried to make me look really bad” -J
These are merely a few examples of the dangers of breaking no contact. Your NC breaking experience could be better, or it could be worse.
Even if your ex reaches out to you first, you could experience high anxiety symptoms mentioned at the top of the page.
Please stay in no contact and be patient. Don’t ruin your health on purpose, thinking your ex will jump in your arms after a pre-set amount of days. This includes stalking your ex on social media and asking your friends about him or her.
I hope that reading about breaking no contact experiences scared you a little bit. Breaking NC with your ex is much more terrifying.
Have you broken no contact or do you have a personal story to share? I’d like to see what you went through so please leave a comment below this article.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I just want others readers to know that trust Zank’s words and make sure to stay in NC! I stayed in NC for more than 7 months. Now I broke it, just by sending a short message to make sure that the recent natural disaster didn’t affect him. Silence! No response! I am experiencing this huge emotional setback. I’m not sure how I am going to move forward. I was hoping for a new start in 2023. I am trying to save myself to re-read the articles here. Before we broke up, I viewed my Ex as the nicest and kindest person. After he broke up with me, he has become SO COLD and distant. He never contacted me after he broke up with me. Our relationship lasted about 5 years. Although we were in long distance, we spent weeks together whenever we got a break. I thought he was more attached to our relationship that I was. The reason for his breakup was he didn’t feel my love. I admitted that I could have done better, but he should have communicated this to me first. So I’ve had this false hope that he’ll regret soon. Since it has been almost 8 months since we broke up, thought he would at least be ready to respond to my “thoughtful text.” But wrong! I guess the only good thing came out from this break no contact is that it has killed 95% of my false hope. But it still hurts me tremendously! Not a good start for the new year 🙁
Hi Sam.
I’m sorry that your ex ignored you and reset your healing. You’ll need to focus on healing and loving yourself for a while in order to process this indirect rejection. On a positive note, at least you lost some false hope and realized he’s not the kind of person you want to communicate with.
Hang in there!
Zan
I have broken NC.
She has been a Saint, I have to say. I’m twice her age, I’m in my 50s. She has dealt with my contacting her very nicely.
I’m not going to go into all the details. As every story has its fair share. There were legitimate reasons on my part for breaking NC. I didn’t give up my self respect by crying, begging, pleading or anything like that.
She was polite. Respectful. To the point. Nice. Once when she felt I said something rude, she did let me have it. But then politely explained, briefly, why she dropped the hammer on me.
It’s been a couple of months. The pain is subsiding. I’m slowly moving on, emotionally.
I lost a very nice person. But it was meant to happen this way. Life is miserably beautiful.
Hi Juan.
Reaching out is okay as long as you don’t bother the other person and hurt your dignity in the process. I hope you got some closure out of it.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend of three years has depression. He has his ups and his downs, one of his downs caused our first breakup five years ago (prior to the three years i just mentioned). He just came back from nine months in the army and we just started living together. He has been in his “down” period these past couple pf months and he told me he feels numbness for everyone around him, including me. He decided to move out for a week, telling me he will be baci and everything and the day he was about to come back he decided we wants to break up with me and that he doesn’t feel in love anymore and he doesnt know if it is because of the numbness that he is feeling or not.
After a full month of me trying to support him and him promising he will go to therapy (he never did, still hasn’t), I tried to get back together with him and he just pushed me away (not literally). I have decided to start the no contact rule but it is very hard for me because I am in quarantine and I can’t go out and do stuff. I keep wanting to call him and havent stopped crying and hurting.
Hi Than,
I was in a very similar situation just few months ago. The simple answer is that you HAVE TO move on. Don’t make this mistake to contact him after he doesn’t feel in love anymore. He will value you more if you will be confident and put yourself first. His depressed ok. But you have just one life and need to love yourself because you deserve to be with man who loves you and cares. You will block a good man for you and your future if you try to get back together. You will hurt yourself because people who do not love us always hurt us. If he wants you back and you do not make mistakes (contacting him, being needy etc.) he can get a chance but only if he works on himself and proves he really loves you. I know it is a hard time now because you cannot go out with friends etc. Try to talk with your friends on skype and work on yourself (body, business, brand, brain). Look for good content on internet, speakers who can motivate you to do things for you not him. Man always value less women who love them more then themselves.
Hi.. I was dating my boyfriend since a year..(im 36 have one kid and he is 32 single both we both want kids and my clock is ticking) in sep 2020 My boyfriend broke up with me on during a vacation trip we had gone on… it was both our fault as we had heated argument which led to the break up but he said it first.. before this he had broken up with me twice stating long distance issues (we live 3 hrs apart and his ailing father lives near him whom he has to attend regularly)..however, he came back to me both times saying he truly loves me and wants to make it work.. we also made plans to move in together next year…. but in september he was picking on me a lot during a vacation and finally broke up with me.. after coming home, I called him and tried to rationalize the break up which didnt go well with him…. so i stopped talking to him and he started breadcrumbing.. I finally gave in and called him (after one week)… he said he wanted to meet to discuss the relationship F2F…. I agreed because I thought he definitely wanted to make up otherwise why will anyone drive 3 hrs to break up in person.. however, we didnt discuss the relationship and he acted like we are back together (calling me sweet names) and we also had sex… after that he continued calling and talking to me like regular times with sweet flirty stuff.. I got pissed off and stopped talking to him for 1 week again (during which he called and texted few times).. So I called him and asked him if we were back together.. he said he doesnt want to be in relationship with anyone and wants to focus on himself.. and that he will not move in with me.. doesnt want to waste time….blah blah blah… I told him i cannot be friends as i love him and we ended up talking other stuff .. I stopped talking to him again and few days later he texted again to check up on me… i didnt answer… but after 2 weeks i gave in and called him again as I was missing him terribly.. …. also i was questioning about the no. of days of breaking NC.. and finally gave in on the 14th day… .he again asked me to meet up with him…i just casually chatted for few mins and hung up…now I am beating myself up as to why I called him.. I feel like he is just wants free sex and no strings favors from me as he is feeling lonely.. i dont think he wants to genuinely reform relationship with me… knowing that I still feel like seeing him and talking to him.. I also started dating another guy but keep missing my ex…he shows sooo much love and interest in his actions but hasnt said anything by his mouth/words about being back with me… I dont know what to do to make him commit to me…. ….can you help me???
Hello Jazz, I hope you are doing well. I notice that you are in a difficult situation right now, you would like your relationship to work but your ex does not. It brings a lot of stress in your life, I notice your emotions in your message. Maybe it will be harsh but in my opinion you cannot do anything to make him commit to you other than respect and love yourself. It looks you do not prioritize yourself (you showed him that he can be in bed with you without accually being commited to you). That makes you very weak in his eyes. I believe you are confused, you took a step back. But you are not consistent. It is hard for you to move on. He can see that and may think you are desprate. He said he does not want the relationship. It should be enough for you to understand that he does not want you. You must be attractive as you already found somebody but this guy does not want you. Think he sleeps with other women now. Once he has no one he comes to you. Understand that and find strengh to love yourself and do not allow anyone to disrespect you like that. Do not worry about ‘clock’. Think differently – every minute spent for a man that does not want you take you further from one that will love you and respect you. Do not waste your time but still notice that your body is stressed through that situationship and you need to get some rest, go for a walk and eat something delicious. I wish you all the best and be brave to take a step forward, something real is waiting for you to come :))
Hello! I was in a relationship for four years with my girlfriend and we were sweethearts the whole time until quarantine came around. She was at college for four years as I was too, she lived in Ohio during college and I lived in Maryland. When she was home for the summers she stayed with me. During quarantine I lost who I was as a person and became very depressed and sad and it affected her and when I finally went back to college and she started working at a new job she gave up on me… I was wondering what you think I should do. We never had bad vibes and I felt that it came out of the blue. She told me I need to work on my attitude towards her. I understood this and knew that it was an issue. I also was diagnosed with crohn’s and acid reflux in late july / early august which stressed me out a lot more than what I thought it did. Do you believe it is fixable? How long should I go no-contact before talking to her again. It has been a week.
Hello, I think a good solution is to contact her and stay in contact, at the same time keep taking care about your health. In my opinion you can have a nice relationship if there is nothing else on her side. Just try to talk to her every day bringing nice vibes no stress.
Zan, your summary of the victim mentality by the Dumper is spot on. Oh to have known following the June 25th breakup what I know now. It was the July from HELL. I fully bought into the saying, “they’re your ex for a reason, unless you know the reasons and can fix it” and I was on a mission.
Going indefinite NC didn’t come easy, nor did iniitally abiding by NC. We talked on two occassions for three hours after the initial break up, each time stating she didn’t think I would change (and of course, I tried to convince her I could), I offered counseling only to be told she wasn’t interested in going to counseling with me, that led a request for NC for two weeks while she decided what she wanted to do. Two weeks later she texts me and tells me she’ll call me tomorrow. She called and did the breakup all over again, telling me I needed to let her go which left me an emotional wreck on the phone. In retrospect, I think she was trying to ween me onto NC with the 14 day NC request and with this “new” break up, She also asked for at least four months of NC.
A few days later I learned she had blocked my phone number. A few days after that she sent me via instant messenger an article justifying her breaking up with an immediate retraction posting, “Mistake”. I ignored it at first but a few days later I sent to the same instant messenger thread two “don’t give up on your relationship, fix it and get to true love” articles, or something like that. She engaged and we had a brief back and forth exchange, only to exclaim she was overwhelmed. Finishing with “I have to do this” and stating, “I don’t see myself wanting to see you anytime soon.” She deleted her Face Book account after this as well.
The icing on the cake / act of desperation I sent her a card and letter asking her for us to find a path forward together having beed emtionally moved by a series from our chruch, “Relationship Realities.” The same weekend I mailed the card/letter I attended a Celebrating Recovery session I knew she would be at, She had told me to “do me,” in my clouded mind I was hurting and was doing me. Not my finest moments. Two weeks later I got an email asking for the rest of her things back, stating she had asked for NC and didn’t feel emotionally safe with me at the CR meeting.
With each communication her tone got shorter and more direct. Now understanding she had thought long and hard about this probably months provides clarity that may have changed my erratic requests. I approached it like it was a rash decision on her part and now armed post-break up armed with the epiphany of our (my) mistakes we could finally fix our (my) behavior in the relationship.
The sad side note to my pathetic and insecure behavior is that when she broke up initially, my response was “great idea, I agree completely.” I was fueld with anger learning she has move half of her things outwhile I was out of town. A day or two after the break up I texted her, that I had envisioned us “needing to talk” differently. That’s when all the fun began and she was able to claim the upper hand.
I’m accepting this relationship is over, especially in light of all the NC mistakes. But regardless of all the NC mistakes, I’m not sure I would even take or want her back after all this not to mention my unhappiness in the relationship. Except for an email exchange on getting the rest of her things to her, which I used as an opportunity to reclaim my manhood to the extent possible and to right size the shared burden of the mistakes in the relationsip (I figured what did I have to lose) we’ve been in consistent NC since the last week in July.
What a mess. Live and learn.
This is sad. Hope you feel better soon.
In my case, my ex broke up with me saying that he wants me to be happy and that I deserve someone better. He always say that. He even told me to move on and that he will not be coming back to me. He assured me that. I was so devastated.
We’re 3 wks post break up. I dont cry that much anymore altho i still miss him. I did the no contact for three days but broke it when I sent him some job vacancy links. I know i am not supposed to do that but i just want to help him. He was texting thanks for like 3 or 4 times not even hi or hello but i never said anything else. I just sent him those links. I began noting down my journey on this heartbreak and recovery which includes reasons why we should not go back together, why i think he will not go back, or reasons it happened.
I dont know what’s gonna happen in the future as i can really feel that he is over me. He doesnt even asked how im doing. He said before that he set me free for my future, for my own good and that he sacrifices his own happiness for me. I dont believe that anymore.
I just have to give up as well.
Hi Zan, hope you’re doing well. I’m really hoping you can give me some kind of advice to sooth this heartbreak. I just broke up with my Ex of 8 years on 2/27 and have been very depressed since then. We had a house in her name, which we she wanted to move into and I agreed. It’s been almost a year there and all of a sudden early 2020 (January), she goes from asking for an engagement ring on Christmas, to saying she isn’t happy and she feels alone most of the time. I have failed tremendously with being there for her and her family considering her parents are divorced, so there was 2 of every holiday. She also said like got sale and we did the same thing over and over most nights. Now, on 2/27 as I said, she has somehow not only made the decision to call it quits without giving me much time to change, but she also attempted to kick me out the house the very next day. She claims she wants her life back already because she is depressed, even though Wednesday night we had a good night after work. The fact that she is willing to kick me to the curb so fast and move on, in addition to the fact that she cleaned the house to look as if she lived alone…hiding my stuff, buying new bed sheets, cleaning stuff like the toilets like she’s never done, leaving two “White claw Alcohol drinks next to the bed, and buying new bras, panties, and outfit. She claims she cleaned up because she couldn’t bare seeing my stuff and that she went to downtown with her friends for the night, despite cleaning up to the 10th degree and leaving no evidence of friends being over besides maybe one. Finally, she claims to have gone downtown (2/2/9) from 12:30am to 6:30am and leaving back out to “breakfast and lunch” by 7:45am until 2pm…with no sleep in between. Appears to me that she slept all night with some guy and woke up for some morning fun to. Does it seem obvious like I believe that she actually set the place up for some guy to come over who slept there until 6:30am, or do you believe I am taking the clues wrong and overthinking? Might I last add, I will admit to slightly stalking and driving by her mom’s since it is only 5 minutes away but she was not home by 10 when i check, which is rare. She supposedly has been hanging out with the few friends, the few I know of, who also work full time, all Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Monday night. Please clarify this for me if this is possible or is it clear she has been staying with some guy/at his house.
Sorry man for seeming like o am replying to you. This is the only possible way I could post here.
Now, you guys (authors of this article) are confusing. Firstly you convinced me to break up with my girl who seemed not be very interested in our relationship and get into this No Contact rule so that she might miss me and get back to me after a month or more. You assured me in those articles that she’s not likely to move on unless if she was already in another relationship while dating me.
However, these articles today show she’s moved on and I must not get to contact her at all. I know you will claim that the purpose of breaking up isn’t to get back, but that’s not the reason why we keep reading your articles, and any action after breakup won’t matte, I mean whether contacting her or not wouldn’t matter if there’s no opportunity for getting back. Please this article sounds so real that it broke my heart. Fortunately I am yet to break the NC rule in the 3rd week.
If this article is true then revise the first ones which claim that you’d get your ex back during some indefinite no contact. I also love the one that claims you lose the progress you made if you contact them prematurely. The thing is this thing is complicated that’s why you also contradict yourself in your write ups.
Anyway it’s not your fault and our breakup reasons are beyond your assumptions.
Thanks for the information.
Your ardent reader!
Kind regards.
Zan thank you for all those articles. I’m staying in infinite no contact rule thanks to your articles to tell you the truth. I’m so hurt my long time partner cheated (monkey branching) and we are in NC since July. I told him this is what you wanted so here you go live your life without me. He didn’t want to even admit that he cheated me.
Now that the time is passing I’m continue to be hurt and sometimes wonder what would happen if I write him a message. But deep I know that this wrong and will not gain nothing with that. What you suggest? I think that he is still with that girl that he cheated me
Hi Linda.
Writing a message to him won’t make you feel any better, not will it bring him back.
It will only make things worse, so stay in no contact and continue to heal.
Your ex, unfortunately, doesn’t want to hear from you right now. Especially now that she’s with another girl.
Kind regards,
Zan
Met a girl 8 months ago. First 6 months went really good. I guess we went fast, I started to see her 5 to 6 days a week sleeping over her place. Because I have a roomate, we chose to spend most of the nights at her place.
5 months in, we traveled back to my country for holiday, we spent 1 month there, sleeping together every day. When we returned back home to our country, she hired me and we started working together as she was my supervisor.
At this point we were spending a lot of time together 5 to 6 days a week at home and a lot of time together at work.
I failed to recognize this wasn’t healthy for a 6 month relationship. She started acting bitvhy , talking to be loud asking for me to spend more time alone at my own place. I didn’t listen to her and we continue to see each other daily and sleeping together daily.
She was cooking me dinner, lunch to take to work, breakfast, washing my working clothes daily, and she also has a daughter to take care of. I hadn’t got my first salary yet so I didn’t help much with money and she started saying she didn’t have much left. She literally exploded emotionally suffocated and smothered.
I failed to recognize that at this point I should back off, spend more days at my place and give her some room to breath.
One night at her place, because we weren’t having so much sex anymore, she was closing herself emotionally with all this stress at home, work, cooking for me etc and also was going through some health issues, some endoscopy thing about some cancer check up .. We had an argument big big one, I shouted at her and pushed her, she took this as domestic violence and kicked me out of the house. She asked for space to think if she wanted to continue the relationship.
Unfortunately, and working together, I couldn’t give the space, I called her 5 days in row and on the 6th day I showed up at her place to talk, she go scared, freaked out and didn’t open the door. When she finally did, she gave me all my clothes and said it was over.
I spent 3 weeks or so calling, asking her to give us a chance, but it was too late. By the end of the 3rd week I was blocked everywhere except emails.
I’m now 5 days No Contact , we broke up a month ago.
Looking back I know it was a big mistake to join her company, work with her, her being my supervisor. We spent too much time together.
Now, she wants nothing to do with me, she is scared of me because I chased her for 3 to 4 weeks calling and texting her and showed up at her place to talk unannounced.
It’s done?
The girl lovebombed you then had you out of her life. Letting you sleep together and moving in had her approval. Your fault was to board this insanity with her. Dude, just move in after a year, at least (I’d say two, because moving in and marrying can be pretty much the same).
You played post-breakup mistakes, but everything is okay now. Your chances of reconciliation are not negligible. Stay in NC and play along.
Abraço do Brasil
I had very similar situation. The difference is, I kicked him out. And except few nothing insignificant texts and few replies, he didn’t contact me. I miss him, wish to talk with him…..
Hey I have a super complicated story…. I know people say this but I can’t find anything online like my case… is there anyway I can send a private message and get your help?
Hi Lynn.
My schedule is currently full. If you’d like, you can always post a short story on the blog and I’ll get back to you within a week or so.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi there.
How can I post my story to the blog?
Thank you for you response 🙂
Hey Zan,
It’s been a month since my ex said she needs space and I’ve been in no contact since. She hasn’t reached out. And I’m struggling, she still follows me on her work IG account and looks and my stories regularly and i she her liking my friends posts still and brothers. She hasn’t deleted our pics or told her family cause her mom and aunts still like my pics on Facebook. I try my best not to creep her but when I do. I see she likes post about moving on and never looking back! and hurtful posts about not loving the right one..directed at me. This is so hurtful. We are long distance which makes it worse. She says we have become toxic. Since no contact I’ve read and got some therapy and I realized a lot of my so called toxic behaviour stems from my insecurities, anxiety and fear of losing her. Which lead to anger and fights I’m learning to indentify this as just anxiety and controlling anger. I don’t know what to do because I want to break no contact but not to ask her to get back together right away and look desperate. Rather to let her know that I’m taking this time to better myself read and grow as a person… and I realized how poorly I’ve dealt with things in the passed. I want her to see that I’m serious about change and that I’m taking time away to make it Permanent and then go back into no contact. So at least she can know I’ve finally identified the issues. I don’t want her to go on thinking I’m not the one when I know she loved me so much.. I feel she’s still mad but can I gain anything with this approach. It’s long distance so I have no other way to communicate I’ve been working hard and she’s motivated me since the break up. So I write such a msg? And then go back into no contact and let her contact me when she’s ready? Or is it a waste of time. There was a lot of drama the last few months and I don’t want her to move on. Pleas help
Hi Jo.
You’re still seeking validation from your ex.
So try not to reach out and let her know you’re working on yourself.
Instead, give her all the time she needs for her to message you first on her own terms. You need to make use of this time to heal and move on. It’s the only way for you to be happy again.
Take my advice seriously.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hello I agrre. I was in similar situation and I contacted my ex. He answered to work on myself for somebody else. He also wrote he didn’t love me and it is over. Additionally, he asked if I could let him alone and live like he didn’t exist. I was DESTROYED after that try so do not do it.
Hi Zane,
My ex broke up with me a month ago and we lived together so it was very hard to not communicate, the only time he’d reach out to me was to gather his things from the apartment and my plan for moving day. I was also very blind sided by the breakup but from what he said he’s been scared of this for a while and I just asked to right questions and his true feelings came out that night.
I’ve attempted no contact but called him a few days before I left our apartment for good and I could tell he was upset but he was sure this is the right thing to do.
He said that he doesn’t see this long term but that I was his best friend and this past month has been hell. If I start no contact now will this help or because it’s been a month and we’ve talked here and there has he already drifted too far away from me to ever come back?
Sincerely,
Sad and Lost
Hi Chloe.
The success of the reconciliation depends on how bad the relationship was.
If he merely exaggerated by saying it was hell, then he is going to have to get a reality check when he gets involved with another girl.
He’s drifted apart a long time ago so try not to worry about what he feels. It’s all about you from now on.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Chloe, I am in a similar situation and currently in no contact for 3 weeks. My hope is to do the indefinite no contact as Zan suggest for dumpees, and his blogs resonate and make sense to me. However I terribly miss him, and long to see him and for his company. I am curious about the future, would he ever reach out, and see value in our relationship.
Since your post has been from while ago, I am curious to know what happened with your ex? Did you break No contact and reach out? Has he moved on when you did, or did you move on with time?
Best,
Rad
My ex broke up with me about an year ago. Kept on talking occasionally about me to mutual friends, specially took my new number from mutual friend to wish me on my birthday at exact 12 , by this he broke no contact of 9 months I was in. What does this mean? Do I have a chance?
Hi Amisha.
He most likely wished you for your birthday out of kindness and perhaps to leave the doors slightly open.
Your chances depend on what he goes through in life.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan, a question regarding this topic. My ex put up an instagram story: Ask me a question, where people of course can ask her any question.
One of my friends who is an idiot decided to ask her without me knowing: My name wants to know if you are satisfied by the winner of the latest elections.
My name – obviously he used my name here to make it look like as if i used him to ask her that question which i did not. I had no idea he asked that until my other friend screenshoted it.
I do not want my name to show up anywhere near her, especially from my friends. She actually did respond and actually used a nickname she used to call me. She said “Tell my nickname that i am not!”
It looks like i put him up to say this and i am very angry at him right now. Am i overreacting or does it really look like that?
Still continue with no contact?
Hey Twist.
Your ex’s reaction wasn’t very bad at all. She responded in a nice and polite way and even included your nickname. That is pretty unusual if I’m completely honest.
I don’t know what she’ll think of the whole thing, but she definitely didn’t react negatively about it. You should proceed with no contact and wait for her to put in more work.
Best,
Zan
Yeah, she used my nickname and an emoticon that the two of us used in the relationship (the raising eyebrow one. I used to say that she looked hot when she raised her eyebrow so she used that emoticon to tease me sometimes). All of this is our internal jokes and banter we used to have.
Hey Twist.
She has to be the one to reach out and engage in conversation with you. You don’t contact her even if she says she loves you on social media. It has to be directed toward you otherwise it’s all pointless.
Best,
Zan
Listen to Zan. He helped me so much, stayed by my side, like a friend even though he didnt know me, out of pure emphaty and wisdom. If you been broken up by someone wjo shuts down communication to minimum, isnt responsive for meeting first tries.. lets say after you might have tried the first chocking week and might try again a while later, you have to stop yourself. Best is stop fast. I showed to much interest in letters, not often but during four five.. months, meanwhile I was in agony, anxiety.. if you dont get response you push ex away I didnt know that, lesson that gave me deep depression. I then had three months of severe anxiety after that and broke contact in a more ”subtle way”. I passed by ex apart, doorpohone, ex was actually emotional caring in voice, I was nice.. suggested we meet ex hesitating. Sent message of meeting. No response. Ex wife wrote an amazing short letter nut putting ex downm not making me look begging, un respecting ofcher or no self respect, in a brilliant short way asking why one can not meet after 8 months. (I know ex didnt have an other reltionship first four months due to some tjings) for me in this case it didnt put me on square one as I was really afraid of.. i had so much anxiety for 7-8 months now in my case, it was very sad, depressing to cope with.. now a week later.. cause I had help writing that letter, sbsolutely no closure.. I only asked for a meeting to feel fine together a little while (we both had our two year love story of our lives together 24/7 from start to end, then nothing, saying we loved each other to the last day even though dynsmics for normal reason some months was down some, we talked about it was gonna get better for changing external reasons, (i am mid aged) . Ex didnt answer! Five days now due to a such a good short letter.. that any person with a heart, or if ex shows to friend, any sane heartful friend should wonder how one can not even respond we at least ”I dont think its a good idea, we meet in future.. ” or something. This in just my case felt so insane, so heartless that I dont get angry unfortunately, for sure zero closure, but anxiety in this case after 8 months didnt take me to square one. I prolonged ex staged of relief, elation, so if you read this website in time, hopefully days, weeks, not months like me after staying in mild but to needy contact. Stop yourself.. it will get you nowhere.. I had no idea of these dynsmics.. thought we we where both mature, loving persons in our hearts. Some people can just switch. In this case there was childhood issues of having no love, plus habits of leaving frinds relstionship after some time, cut off.. being able to do that. We talked about it, ex never confided this deep in anyone, teached ex about loving relstionships with friends, ex was happy for it, then did it to me.. Its taken me eight months to accept it. Closure never, severly damaged in my heart. Ex wife kept track of my writings..thank good.. if ex ever wakes up ex will see how incredible loving, emphatic and understanding, self respecting, also never put her down I have been. I an still incredible hurt of this. Who does this to another human being? Off course its immature.. but its also in human cruel, egoistic, damaged. It will take more time, I was almost suicidal some nights, had to sleep next to ex wife some nights (she is engaged with another) I really really hope you have someone who can help you. Without Zan and exwife.. I would couldnt nanaged.. it feels like I taken a small step now.. being able to pretend I am socially functioning and getting away with it sort of. I just moved abroad and hadnt family, ex wife, friends around. Thats been a huge part of it. I am still have anxiety from being in a new country, paralysed by ex, Wasing up with anxiety
Thank you for the kind words, Henrik.
I’m looking forward to the day when you are fully healed and super happy again!
Zan
Hi Zan,
First let me say thank you for all of your online advice. I read something on your site every single day and have done so a little over 2.5 months now. It helps sooth the heart and I appreciate it.
So my question involves a blurb I read above. Under “Stopping no-contact” it says, once your ex contacts you for any insignificant reason, you are safe to assume you won’t do much damage….
My Ex lined up someone new before breaking up with me. She started seeing him 4 days after the breakup. She was emotionally cheating on me for about a month or two before the breakup. I went No-contact at day one and accepted the breakup without drama from a 15 year good relationship, so I thought anyway. She reached out on week 5 and week 6 with an email about events in her life. After I answered, I went no-contact again. It has been silent for 3 weeks now. Should I initiate contact since she reached out the first time or stay in no-contact mode until she reaches out again, if she ever does?
I think I read somewhere to stay away until the rebound relation makes it or breaks it, but I was unsure what to do if she is reaching out, or was.
Thanks in advance
Dillion
Hi Dillion. Thank you for commenting.
As you know, dumpers act “a bit differently” after the break-up. Fortunately, you avoided seeing her bad side and proceeded with no-contact instead.
Just because your ex reached out to you and conversed with you one time, doesn’t imply you try to get back on talking terms with her. If you reach out now, she will most definitely respond, be glad you’ve taken the break-up like a man, and eventually end the conversation. Because you clearly want more, you won’t be happy with that, so you’ll go back to no-contact again, having her on your mind even more. You have expectations of this person–and she is aware of that. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she can have you back any minute. Instead, “wait” for her relationship to come to fizzle out and she will likely contact you herself.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey Zan,
Would you suggest sharing a dog with your ex?
I bought the dog during our relationship and it was always clear the dog was mine, where my ex did buy the food for the dog she always felt like it was her dog also. I think she will hate me for not sharing the dog, but she broke up with me and I don’t agree with the breakup. I have friends watching over her when i’m at work, but do you think me not sharing the dog ruins the chances of any reconcilliation? It’s been a month since we last spoke. And since she last saw the dog.. been in indefenite NC since then.
Hi there.
After the break-up, the dog is no different than a child. The fact that your ex isn’t asking for the time with the dog means you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Besides, you made it clear that the dog is yours—which implies it will stay with you in case of a break-up.
Until your ex contacts you and asks you if you could share the dog, proceed with what you’re doing. And ff she asks for the dog, you get to decide what to do.
Best,
Zan
Well we kept in contact at first to share the dog. But i quit doing it since my ex kind off acted out as if i was a second class person (probably cause i still had her on a pedestal). I think my brain might be trying to convince me to break no contact . My ex is too proud to even contact me asking about the dog. She probably realises it is mine. So her reaching out to ask over the dog would this be considered An indirect direct approach? Meaning she regained some respect for me?
It would be a direct excuse to break no-contact, put her on a pedestal again and ruin both yours and your ex’s mental progress. If she’s too stubborn, then you will have dodged a bullet with your ex.
Kind,
Zan
Thank you Zan,
I would not want to ruin the progress indeed. As it might Blow up my chances. I shall remain in NC. Working on myself !
Keep it up!
Hey Zan, what would you say about the case where my ex is looking at me all the time when she sees me out, especially when i talk to other girls, she is glancing over constantly. My friends told me that she looks kinda sad while looking, but does not message me at all, not even during holidays. She is also quite depressed on social media, liking sad stuff that are mostly directed towards her ex partner (me in this case). Been in no contact for over a month and a half now, never gave her any attention except for saying hi when i see her out or in the city, but that’s about it.
Hi Logic. I’d say NC is having an effect on her. She expected you to chase, but you didn’t. Now she is doubting her decision and feels jealous. Don’t reach out and wait for her to make a move. She will eventually break under the pressure and reach out in some unexpected way.
Zan
Thanks for the reply Zan. What if she finds someone else during this period? Would that still be considered a rebound or would that actually diminish my chances?
Based on the time since the break-up and the emotional state she seems to be in, it would be a rebound—a ticking time bomb. Her failed relationship would increase your chances as it would only add more weight on her shoulders.
Thanks, i don’t think she will contact me right now though. It’s still early and a lot of negative associations are still there, the fading affect bias will have to do its work for a bit longer.
Hi Logic.
The harder her relationship falls apart, the faster she will forget about your shortcomings.
Hi Zan. Just writing to you that this actually happened lol. Saw her with a guy holding hands and kissing yesterday. I know for a fact that she was not with him last week. Time will tell if it is a rebound or not. We were dating for six months and it has been a month and a half since the breakup.
Hi Logic.
Unfortunately, it’s easy for dumpers to jump from one relationship to another because they disconnect from dumpees days or weeks before the actual break-up. Because of their quick transition, they don’t learn anything and expect the same + more from their new relationship. These false expectations more often than not don’t manifest. Eventually, this becomes clear to them when their new relationship starts falling apart and they begin to grieve.
Stay in no-contact and keep healing.
Zan