Updated on June 16, 2025
Going no contact after a breakup isn’t just about cutting communication and hoping for the best. It’s also about regaining control of your emotions, rebuilding your self-worth, and gaining clarity. While the typical advice revolves around 30 days, some breakup coaches suggest extending it to 45 days.
They claim that 45 days is the magic number when dumpers process anger, resentment, or contempt and start thinking more positively about the dumper.
Sadly, that couldn’t be further from the truth. 45 days of no contact is seldom the tipping point for dumpers. It’s often just the beginning of a much longer process as they still enjoy their space, freedom, emotional independence, and lack of (moral) obligations. At this stage, most dumpers barely register the absence of the dumpee. They don’t miss the dumpee, nor become emotionally receptive to talking and bonding. All they want is to keep their distance and let their ex deal with his or her separation problems and pain.
If the 45-day no contact rule is so bad, then why do some people recommend it? Surely, it must be at least partially effective.
This no-contact rule may be 15 days longer than the notorious 30-day no-contact rule, but another two weeks of silence rarely make a difference. They’re usually not enough for the dumper to have an epiphany and want the dumper back. If they were enough, the dumper would have reached out and initiated the reconciliation process. The dumpee wouldn’t be thinking about contacting the dumper because the dumper would do the hard work for him/her.
That means that 45 days of no contact, much like its predecessor, the 30-day rule, is just a made-up number. It’s the same type of limited no-contact as the 30-day one, but slightly longer. Neither 30 nor 45 days of no contact is likely to affect your ex to the point where your ex finds your reach-out irresistible and wants you back. The moment you break no contact prematurely, tell your ex what’s on your mind, and reveal your romantic expectations, your ex will see that you’re far from healed and that you’re putting your needs above his or hers.
If your ex still feels relieved and needs space as badly as oxygen (which is highly likely), there’s a decent chance your ex will respond instinctively, decisively push you away, and hurt your feelings. Your ex won’t give you what you need to feel loved, and by doing so, make you regret breaking the no-contact rule. You’ll feel much worse afterward because you’ll reset your emotional progress and obsess over your ex’s words and behavior.
The reason breakup coaches suggest this or any other limited no contact rule is because they:
- want to promote their own unique version of the no-contact rule
- want to give and sell hope
They know that dumpees are desperate to try anything to win their ex back, even purchasing ideas that end up hurting them and making things worse. When dumpees realize they won’t get their ex back on their own terms and that their ex wants them less, not more because of their efforts, they tend to look for healthier no contact rules, such as the indefinite no contact rule. This rule doesn’t force the dumpee to take back control by force. On the contrary, it encourages the dumpee to let go of it and improve his or her chances of success by focusing on anything or anyone but the dumper – on things that are in his or her power to control.
That way, the dumpee detaches, grows, and becomes a more valuable individual—both to the dumper and other people.
If you’ve made it to 45 days of no contact, congrats. It mustn’t have been easy. You probably had to fight the temptation to break the no-contact rule and chase your ex’s validation dozens of times. You’ve gotten through the worst, but your fight isn’t over yet. You still have to get over your ex and figure out if your ex is as unique and irreplaceable as you think he/she is.
Right now, you’re convinced that your ex is the one – the only person who can make you happy. But that’s because you’re attached and lack happy hormones. You don’t have a replacement for your ex yet, which is normal. You need to get your ex out of your system before other people, activities, and hobbies can bring you happiness.
It’s nearly impossible to do that within 45 days. If you were in a long-term relationship or the beginning of a new relationship, the withdrawal isn’t just sadness. It’s a biological and psychological response to the sudden loss of romance, connection, routine, and validation. You have no choice but to grit your teeth and keep going, even when it hurts. Pain will wane when you come to terms with the fact that your ex won’t come back after 45 or even 60 days.
Acceptance and loss of hope are necessary for you to regain emotional control and give yourself a real reason (unrelated to your ex) to exist.
It’s okay to miss your ex and want your ex back. But don’t convince yourself that your ex will realize your value and take you back after a number of days that YOU have set. It doesn’t make a difference to your ex whether you maintain no contact for 30, 45, 60, or 90 days. Your ex isn’t counting the days or working on redeveloping feelings. Your ex is focusing on things that make him or her happy.
Keep in mind that feelings come back when the dumper hits a roadblock and has no choice but to return to the dumper. No choice often means that the dumper gets hurt, becomes nostalgic, and thinks he or she will remain unhappy long-term unless he or she reconnects with a strong, grounded dumpee who once gave love, validation, and emotional security.
Always remember that your ex will come back when life gets bad enough to force him or her to return. This could happen 30 days into no contact or even 30 years later. You can’t predict when your ex will hit a snag big enough to regret leaving, so you must stay in no contact permanently and wait for your ex to reach out and ask for another chance. That’s the only way you’ll detach, rebuild your self-esteem, and find the happiness you so badly crave.
Today, we discuss why 45 days of no contact is quite an accomplishment, why you should stay in it, and what steps you should take moving forward.
Congratulations on making it to 45 days! That takes real strength and discipline!
Not all dumpees make it to 45 days of no contact, especially on their first try. Many dumpees cave into separation anxiety and contact their ex in hopes of feeling needed and reassured. Such dumpees often regret contacting their ex because they see their ex act angry, cold, dismissive, or strange. He or she shows no interest in talking, let alone getting back together and fixing the broken trust and commitment.
That hurts dumpees immensely and triggers another wave of anxiety or depression.
If you’re on your 45th day of no contact or even just considering giving your ex that much space, it’s a positive step. Deep inside, you know that you can’t change your ex’s mind with willpower and kindness and that giving him or her space is necessary for your ex’s respect and your self-respect. Without space and time, your ex can’t live his/her life, engage in reflection, and want to be a part of your life again.
The only problem is the self-imposed 45-day limit. Even though your ex has had some time to self-prioritize and see what life is like without you, it’s nowhere near enough for your ex to have an epiphany and rediscover your romantic worth. It will probably take something painful or shocking for your ex to improve his or her perception of you and redevelop feelings.
At the moment, your ex is either in the first or second stage of a breakup for the dumper. His or her predominant emotions are relief and elation. These emotions encourage independence and discourage reflection and growth. It’s unlikely that your ex will realize the things he or she needs to realize within the set timeframe. It’s far more likely that your ex will place the blame on you and avoid taking any real accountability.
The only way I can see your ex coming back within 2 – 8 weeks is if your ex left to extort power or met someone new and is about to fail miserably. Failed relationships started on monkey-branching terms may cause dumpers to face reality and seek forgiveness and security directly from the dumpee.
It’s the fastest way for them to process negative post-breakup emotions, stop feeling empowered, and start looking for backup options. Dumpees don’t like thinking of themselves as backups, but that’s what reconciliations often are. Reconciliations are usually not about a sudden realization of love but about comfort, familiarity, and a need to escape emotional turmoil.
Dumpees can give dumpers what they’re looking for, as long as dumpers still respect them and see a way to benefit from them. If they lack respect or reasons to reconnect, they tend not to come back no matter how much time passes.
If you’re a month and a half into no contact, you’re doing great. You’re controlling your emotions and refusing to contact the person who lost feelings for you. You need to keep doing that until you’re over your ex or feel ready for friendship or acquaintanceship. Don’t jinx your healing and your ex’s progress just because you’re anxious and want your ex to validate your importance.
No contact ends when you can handle a romantic rejection and learn that your ex is with someone new. That’s when it’s probably safe to reach out and see if your ex wants to catch up or be friends.
Having said that, here are some things you’ve learned or are about to learn if you’ve stayed in no contact for 45 days straight.
Why should you stay in no contact beyond 45 days?
Getting to 45 days of no contact probably took a lot of strength. You’ve likely had more than a few moments of weakness where you wanted to reach out to your ex and talk your way back into the relationship. You almost lost faith in no contact, but reminded yourself that reaching out wouldn’t change your ex’s feelings or decision to leave. It would have pressured your ex with your emotions, needs, and expectations and made your ex run for the hills.
Setback days can be especially hard to get through, especially when negative events or thoughts shake your self-esteem or sense of security. The bigger the challenge, the more likely you are to miss your ex and feel tempted to lean on your ex for support. That’s why it’s super important to understand the importance of no contact and the consequences of breaking it. You must remember that your ex will dislike your reach-out, take more power from you, and be allowed to treat you any way he or she wants.
When you reach out to get something your ex doesn’t want to give, your ex will feel disrespected and tempted to show how he or she deals with people he or she doesn’t feel like talking to and investing in.
If you’re not prepared to discover that your ex perceives you negatively or lacks feelings for you, it’s best to stay in no contact beyond the 45-day mark. Remember that counting the days of no contact is pointless if you intend to reach out and try your luck with your ex.
Instead of reaching out, remember that you’ll feel much worse if your ex doesn’t do what you want him or her to do and that no contact is meant for you to heal. It’s not meant to be a short-term tactic, despite how some people present it. You may have started no contact for your ex, but if you plan to end it, you must do it for yourself.
Don’t end it ahead of time while your ex still needs space and you still feel miserable. Unhappiness isn’t a valid reason to break the no-contact rule. It’s just an excuse, one that is likely to backfire and set you and your ex back emotionally. The only valid reason to break no contact early is if you have children with your ex, work together, owe your ex money, or share other unavoidable obligations.
In that case, you can reach out and state that you’ve reached out to settle unfinished business.
What to do now that I’ve stayed in no contact for 45 days?
If you’ve managed to stay silent for 45 days, you’ve already shown incredible strength and self-discipline. You’ve proved to yourself, your ex, and others that you’re capable of leaving your ex alone and focusing on healing and growth.
At this point, there’s no turning back. Turning back would hurt you badly and undo the progress you’ve worked so hard to achieve. The only thing you can do is extend the no-contact period by another 45 days and observe how your thoughts and feelings evolve. You can stop counting the days of no contact if you feel strong enough to do that. Sooner or later, you’ll stop keeping track anyway because it won’t feel necessary anymore. It will make more sense to keep yourself busy and try to forget your ex.
Once you’ve gotten your ex out of your system, you’ll stop thinking about what your ex is thinking, feeling, and doing, and how long it’s been since you started no contact. You’ll simply have more productive things to spend your time and energy on. Things like improving yourself, forming/maintaining healthy connections, discovering your purpose, and living your life to the fullest.
It won’t happen overnight, but eventually, you’ll see that no contact has returned your emotional control and self-reliance. When that moment comes, you’ll feel fully in control of your mind and grateful you chose to continue no contact past 45 days.
Until that happens, renew the no-contact rule every time you hit 45 days, and keep doing that until you stop counting and start feeling better. Rest assured, you’ll stop counting once you realize it’s not helping you heal and feel ready to let go of the need for control.
Are you 45 days into no contact or getting close? How does it feel to go so long without speaking to your ex? Post your thoughts and feelings in the comments section below.
However, if you need help and want to confide in us about your ex, feel free to reach out directly. You can do so by subscribing to breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
